Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ By Myself ❯ By Myself ( Chapter 1 )

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By Myself


Linda George
Linda George
6
297
2001-07-09T20:19:00Z
2001-07-10T02:24:00Z
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2534
14447
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17741
9.2720



Normal











By Myself

By
Dark Deity

Songfic- Linkin Park; By Myself

Disclaimer- Gundam Wing does not belong to me,
nor does the song



Part 1



Relena Darlian
Peacecraft was sitting in yet another peace meeting, fighting a silent battle, while
listening to a spoken one, and as usual, making sure peace is maintained. At
the moment the Vice-Foreign Minister was turned around in her chair, lost in
thought, finally deciding to leave this in particular subject to those who
actually believe it important. This has happened many times before; start a
subject, then forget about it after 15 minutes of arguing. Thinking about past
actions, second thoughts coming to mind, wondering if she had made the right
choices. Her mind wonders to her brother, hoping he is okay, as well as alive.
He was the last time we all thought he was dead. Her mind takes a turn in the direction of Heero. Hoping once
again for health, but also for stability. Relena starts thinking about the last
time they met; Heero practically dead from exhaustion and wounds, falling into
her arms, promising himself that he would never have to kill again. Some one was calling her name. Turning
around and nodding, Relena returned to reality, and the meeting she was
supposedly attending.

~~~

What do I do to ignore them behind me?

Do I follow my instincts blindly?

Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams,

And give into sad thoughts that are
maddening?

~~~

Back at her home,
Relena sits in her office and feels as if she's on the brink of insanity. Breathing
in deeply and exhaling slowly she picks up another document, 'that was so
conveniently put on my desk' she thought bitterly. "Do they really
think," she said out loud, going over the document, "That I wasn't going to
notice that they just want the money. This 'Act' is just another greedy cover
up so that they can stuff more into their already over stuffed pockets, not to
mention it will probably lead to another battle between countries." She could
have tore the damn thing in half. She was simply furious. Ignoring the rest of
the papers on her desk, she got up and went to her balcony. Standing in the
rain, she had just one thing on her mind, "Heero…"

~~~

Do I sit here
and try to stand it?

Or do I try to
catch them red-handed?

Do I trust
some and get fooled by phoniness,

Or do I trust
nobody and live in loneliness?

~~~

Part 2

Heero is in a
battle, yet again. As a Preventer he was sent in one of the few mobile suits
left. Another rebel believing revenge for another is needed. Heero, now always
making sure to only DAMAGE the enemy, not destroy, was growing impatient. Every
bit of him wanted to fire, to cut his opposition in half, anything to
destroy him. He would, he really would, to no one's surprise, but he couldn't.
He had made a promise. He made a promise to himself and… her, that he would
never kill again. Pounding his fist to the side, grabbing the controls and
mixing a few quick movements, he completed his latest mission. Gathering up the
now immobile suits, he absentmindedly made his way back to his headquarters. So
lost in thought he didn't even give himself time to stop the pain from entering
his fist or the thoughts of her from entering his mind. Or the thought
of visiting her… tonight.

~~~

Because I
can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin

I make the
right moves but I'm lost within

~~~

He sighed as he
looked up at the stars, from earth's point of view, then turned slightly to
look at the balcony above him. Without a second thought, or glance, he ran to
the side and took a good grip on the side of the house. Relena's room was on
the third floor, and the part he was climbing was like a small thin path that
led up the side of the house, er… mansion, to her balcony. It was as if it was
only meant for him. With a few quick, soundless and swift movements he was on
her balcony. His eyes, somehow, softened at the sight before him. There she
was, definitely in all her glory. Instead of wearing one of her many political
suits, she was wearing a pair of loose, baggy shorts that reached her knees and
a gray sports bra. As of now she was headed for her computer. Once seated
comfortably, she started to tap away at the keyboard. Watching this, the only
thought that came to mind besides 'Beautiful' was 'Probably work'. At that you
could see a small smirk cross the corner of his mouth, but then even though he
knew she would not see him he put on his cold mask once more., in case he
should 'accidentally' show himself. After that thought he reminded himself why
he stood away from her view, at least for now.
He would surely get hurt by her if he were to be with her at the moment.
He had to wait, had to till he was sure he would have a future. One that would
consist of emotions. One that he was sure he would not get hurt, and he knew he
could rely on himself to not hurt her, or any one else.

~~~

I put on my
daily façade but then

I just end up
getting hurt again- by myself [myself]

I ask why, but
in my mind

I find I can't
rely on myself [myself]

~~~



~~~*Chorus-
I ask why, but in my mind/I find I can't rely on myself [myself]

I
can't hold on/[to what I want when I'm stretched so thin]/ it's all to much to
take in/I can't hold on/[To anything watching everything spin]/With thoughts of
failure sinking in*~~~

Part 3

*Slam* *Tap* *Crack*
'Now we're tied…AGAIN! Every time we tie that woman beats me. She never
falters… and that's what makes me falter. I won't loose again!' Wufei pretends
to turn right, then quickly turns left. He swings slightly and notices his back
is to Sally, 'Fuck, I did it again!' he lowers his sword slowly; eyes closed
waiting for the final blow. It doesn't come. Eyes open, wide with surprise, he
turns. He sees Sally.

Noticing his
surprise she replies to his silent question, "It's not very honorable to kill a
respected and skilled soldier, even more so when his back is turned. That's not
very just, nor does it make sense. Especially when that soldier is my partner."
With silent agreement, Wufei nods his head.

For once he truly
respected this women. He swallows his pride and bows to her, "You win" After
those words he turns to leave giving one last glance toward Sally. For this
Sally was shocked, he had just admitted defeat.

Just then Sally
remembers something, "Oh, and Wufei," she stops and waits for him to turn. He
does, with a slight fearful look in his eyes, Sally just barely caught it,
"Since you have lost that battle, you now have to give me some of your time as
my reward." She had the smallest smirk, but it did not go unnoticed by Wufei.

'I may have lost the
battle, and my free time, but I will not loose this,' "But at least my time
goes to you." Sally's jaw almost literally hit the ground. After getting her
reaction he silently records, 'I win' He then adds, "I don't want a trainer
that has nothing to teach," He turns and walks away leaving Sally to shut her
mouth with a bit of anger and much amusement evident her eyes. 'I wonder if he
notices that's the second compliment today'

'Damn, I almost had
her too' Wufei walks a bit faster. He needs to train a little more, alone, "By
myself"

~~~

If I turn my
back I'm defenseless

But to go
blindly seems senseless

If I hide my
pride, and let it all go on

Then they'll
take from me till everything is gone

~~~

Part 4

Quatre Raberba
Winner sits in his office, desk full of papers, top, in, under, everywhere. All
these were questions, requests for interviews, meetings, peace mergers, and
even some were for Miss Relena, questions about her social life 'n such. Most
of the documents were useless, and he knew it too. Although they are, he also
knows that if he doesn't return them to their giver with some kind of answer he
will, not might, but will gain enemies. Things he most definitely does not
need.

Shifting through the
documents, he comes across one that's different. It only had his first name on
it. 'Who could this be from?! It's not
my sister's, ANY of my sister's, writing… It looks like an invitation'
After opening it his eyes brighten. He recognized the writing immediately. He
read the letter quickly, almost just skimming it. Relena had invited Trowa,
Catherine, Duo, and himself to stay with her for a few days to 'Catch Up'.
There was something about riving friendships and helping Trowa too. 'Well why
not go? If I don't I probably won't see them again for a long time after.
Especially Trowa and Catherine, with all that traveling.' He rereads the parts
about helping Trowa, 'I hope there's nothing terribly wrong, and no matter
what, I hope we can help…' Quatre's sea green eye had concern showing through
them, then they turned to determination. 'I guess if I'm going I better work on
all this paper work and get it done' After about a half hour he makes a
decision. He calls up Relena. He gets a bit excited at the fact that she
answered, and not some secretary. With a cheerful greeting and a big smile he
told her we would be there early. "How about in two days, instead of three?"

"But won't that mean
your leaving today?" Relena questioned. She was a bit confused with her fellow
workaholic leaving early.

"Yes, is it a problem…
I don't want to be a disturbance-" He didn't, not at all, but he would do a few
more documents have his secretary send them, then take the rest with him. By
the time he got to earth's atmosphere he'd be done.

"NO!" Relena blushed
at the fact that not only had she raised her voice a bit, but she had also cut
Quatre off mid sentence. "It would be wonderful if you came early. We could
talk, and of course make fun of other delegates that don't get peace, and its
meaning" As Relena finished her thought she smiled brightly as Quatre all but
snickered at the fact the Relena thought the same thing about all the other
delegates and politicians they came in contact.

"Okay, with that in
mind I might even be there by tomorrow, I'll be leaving right away Miss Relena"

"No, just Relena. We
are friends Quatre, not acquaintances, right?"

"Right you are
Relena, I'll see you soon…" with a nod from Relena he cut the connection and
quickly gathered up all his things. He'd leave some documents here. His secretary
and Rashid could work out most of them, and any problems they could ask one of
his sisters. "Rashid? Could you please book a shuttle to earth right away? I
would like to get there as soon as possible."

"Yes Master Quatre,
is there something wrong?"

Dropping out of his
usual formal tone of 'Yes' and 'No' he went to his more casual one. "Nope,
everything's perfect" He received a nod and an odd look from Rashid. That just
made him smile more. He's tired of being in his office looking at papers all
day, every day, "By myself" he finished his thought out loud.

~~~

If I let them
go I'll be out done

But if I try
to catch them I'll be out run

If I'm killed
by the questions like a cancer

Then I'll be
buried in the silence of the answer

By Myself
[myself]

~~~

~~~*Chorus-
I ask why, but in my mind/I find I can't rely on myself [myself]

I can't hold on/[to what I want when I'm
stretched so thin]/ it's all to much to take in/I can't hold on/[To anything
watching everything spin]/With thoughts of failure sinking in*~~~



Part 5

*{dream sequence}*

"NOOO!!!!"
A young man bolts upright in bed, covered in sweat, and panting. Duo Maxwell
shakes his head, trying to get the images of his latest night mare to go away.
He looks around his room. Every thing was basic and plain. White walls; Black
wood desk; Black bed-sheets; White doors; and there was the silver cross. He
looked away immediately. More images, and sounds came to mind. He shook his
head once more, hitting himself in the back and sides with his swinging braid.

He
leaned back down on his bead staring at the ceiling. 'Who would-a thought that
the happy-go-lucky guy would be in so much pain' He turned on his side closing
his eyes with the image of the cross fully visible on the black screen of his
eyelids. His last coherent thought was 'Go figure' Once again he slept, but not
peacefully, far from it in fact.

{A
young boy lie next to another his age, holding his hand. The boy closed his
dulling violet eyes as he felt the tears rise again. He started to remember the
days events… "SOLO!! No, wake up... don't... close… your... i, i, eyes" He
closed his eyes and lie next to his lifeless friend. "Why… did, did.. you le,
leave me as, as well" the boy managed to get out between sobs and hiccups. He
gave his friend one last hug and lie down next to him, taking his hand, willing
whatever happened to his friend to happen to him. >>>the scene changes
to a day where the sun is out and he's lying on grass looking up at the sun.
"Hello Sister Helen. Where's Father Maxwell?"

"He's
in the church hun, I'm going to join him okay? Are you coming?" Sister Helen's
eyes sparkled with calm contempt.

"Nah,
I'll stay out here. It's really pretty ya know?"

"Yes,
it is Duo." Sister Helen walked away and back into the church. Duo resumed
looking at the sky, which at one point turned into a sunset. A few seconds
later a scream, and an explosion were heard. After that a burning smell of some
sort could be sensed. Sensed by Dou's nose. He watched in horror as the only
home he felt comfortable in dissolved right in front of him. "Sister Helen!!
Father Maxwell!!" the young boy screamed while running to the fallen church,
that was formally his home. He stopped in front of the ashes and stared
wide-eyed at what was left of his life…"NNNOOOOOOOO…}

"NOOOO!!!!
Come back!" Duo woke up in the same exact state he woke in earlier. He got out
of bed and went to the kitchen. He grabbed an apple off the counter and started
to eat. He couldn't take this anymore. Being alone, having no one to talk too.
He was forced to confine in himself, and be himself. He used to know what to do
with himself, but now without having anyone, not even Heero, or the other
overly stoic gundam pilots, he was out of practice. Maybe it was time to see
someone. Someone who grew up differently, but with the same results. Someone
who had to act cheery and all smiles all day. "Relena!" the first name that
came to mind came out. She fit the description. Maybe it was time to develop a
close friendship. She could probably use someone to talk to just as he did. He
would finally be able to act himself around someone, and confine in them as
well. Sure Quatre knew how it went as well, but he was just to kind, but Relena
was forward and truthful. Yes, he would see Relena…he was sick of not knowing
anything but what war had taught him.

~~~

How do you
think / I've lost so much

I'm so afraid /
I'm out of touch

How do you expect
/ I will know what to do

When all I know
/ Is what you tell me to

~~~

Part 6

Brown bangs obscured
his eye, but he saw her clearly. His sister was doing a small after show for
the children. He saw how she dealt with them. The same way he dealt with the
animals. With care and understanding. He envies her somewhat for the fact that
she could be so compassionate to them. So sweet, loving and careful. He wished
he could go over to her and help her.

As
the mini show ended she saw and walked over to him. Giving another sweet smile
to him she decided to ask him, "Trowa, why don't you ever come and talk with
the children? You seem so compassionate with the animals; why not try you luck
with the children?"

Trowa
looks away from Catherine's gaze and down to the ground as he spoke. "I want to
Catherine, I really do, but I just can't, and I don't really know why." To the
point, he always was.

"But
Trowa, why can't you just show some kind of emotion. It's not hard surely you
can do it. You've been showing signs of emotion a bit more often than before.
Mostly to the animals, but to me and others in the circus as well. So why not
after the show?" Catherine knew she wasn't going to get far, but she pleaded
anyway.

It
was true. He was finally becoming more of something, no someone that resembled
normal, but it took, and takes time. The process was being very slow. "I've
tried, I have, but I can't. This is how I was trained, and the training was
long and intense. This kind of training takes time to get over and forget. To
ware off." He paused for a moment. H wanted to choose his words carefully. To
make sure she understood. "I have all these emotions but it's like I'm stuck.
My facial movements are plastered the way they are. They are slowly cracking,
but they still aren't moving much. I just don't know why" Through out the
entire time, he had said it in a monotone. No emotion, except a bit of one. A
need for someone to understand.

Catherine
listened closely. 'He IS trying, I can tell. I have an idea, my dear brother.' "I
think I have a solution. How about a reunion… with friends. The ones that you
are sure could help with this."

Trowa
thought about this. Yes, it would work. Catherine, Quatre, Duo, and probably
even Relena would help, 'No, are the only ones that CAN help' He nodded to his
sister and said the names, "Quatre, Duo and Relena." With that he nodded again
to his sisters smile and turned to go to his trailer. 'To be normal again'

~~~

Don't you know

I can't tell
you how to make it go

No matter what
I do, how hard I try

I can't seem
to convince myself why

I'm stuck on
the outside

(repeated)

~~~



~~~*Chorus-
I ask why, but in my mind/I find I can't rely on myself [myself]

I can't hold on/[to what I want when I'm
stretched so thin]/ it's all to much to take in/I can't hold on/[To anything
watching everything spin]/With thoughts of failure sinking in*~~~(repeated 3)