Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Cutting Out The Past ❯ Chapter 3 ( Chapter 3 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Mononoke 
This chappie won't load on ffnet, so if you read this fic over there, this is the newest chap.
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Psychological / Drama / Shounen | Type: Shounen-ai | Uploaded On: 03.27.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.2K | Visits: 291 | Status: Work In Progress
This chappie won't load on ffnet, so if you read this fic over there, this is the newest chap.
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst / Psychological / Drama / Shounen | Type: Shounen-ai | Uploaded On: 03.27.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 4.2K | Visits: 291 | Status: Work In Progress
I couldn't decide whether to cry or jump around ecstatically when I got so many great reviews! I was so pleased that you really liked it! I finished my essay, and now have a full week to write, hopefully I'll get out at least one, hopefully two chapters. Maybe I'll even work on the other things I've got going.
(Don't much count on that one... I'll try, but really...)
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Love...
Love was something that Duo had not felt since... Since Helen. She was the one person who had loved him just for being him. She would hold him as she sang hymns to help him sleep... Would brush and braid his hair, telling him about God and Love. What was it she had said to him?
"God is love. He is the feeling that you get, and he is the person that you love. God is love, so when you love someone, you love God."
He had laughed at her, saying that he had never, and he would never, love anyone in his life. The look on her face had made him hastily reassure her that she would be the only person he loved in the world. She smiled, and said that if she was the only person he loved, that she would be sad because he had so much love to give.
If only she had known...
But everyone reaches a point where you can't keep giving without receiving something in return. If you keep giving and no one will give you anything back, you'll just keep giving until you break. Duo gave them all of his love, all of his love. He had given them his everything, and they had smiled and nodded and ignored and shunned him.
He was tired of bending over backwards for people that didn't understand the gift that they had been given.
He was tired of going to a shit job where he was paid next to nothing just so that he would be ridiculed and under-appreciated. He was sick of being the convenient friend. The one who didn't require days in advance notice to talk to. The one that they all came up to and dumped their loads on. He was tired of it.
Duo sat in the park, staring up at the cloudy sky, wishing that he could see the stars.
Would he live among the stars?
This was his chance to start new. To find a new place in the world, a new persona, and new Duo Maxwell.
He would be friendly, but not overly so. He would be smart, and funny. Witty and polite. Someone invited to all the parties, but only the ones with his friends.
He would have real friends.
Not just comrades at arms. True friends, who would talk, and who would listen
They would listen when he told them of his constant harassment at work, when he shared his hopes and dreams.
They would find him interesting and lovable.
He would be loved.
Loved...
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"Duo." Sally called, trying to snap him into the present. She was worried. This was far more extensive than anything that they had thought that might happen. Sure they had plans for if any of them went Zero, or if they had a small psychotic episode... but this?
This was a major psychotic episode. This was something major... something that scared Sally, that shook her to her core. She had known that Duo was unhappy, that he was feeling lonely. But she thought that it was nothing more than just a passing thing. After all, everyone knew that Heero and Duo went out on weekends and played ball, or fixed that car. They went places and did things.
How could he be lonely?
Well, she had her answer now.
"Duo..Duo please." She stared into blank indigo eyes as she called out. She swore she could see the life return to them as he answered her.
"No Sally. I'm not Duo. Is it time to go now?" She nodded dumbly, not quite sure what to make of this. He stood up, face steady and eyes looking around him like he was seeing everything for the first time. He walked to the door, calm and collected. He turned to her, motioning for her to move. She walked cautiously to him, scared of making sudden move, scared that he may be in a temporary state of shock and denial.
She motioned for the rest of the group to follow, and they all walked down to the cars. Nothing was said during the elevator ride down, and nothing more than "We'll see you at the office." was heard before they separated into the cars. Wufei and Heero got into their car, while Quatre was on the phone, presumably with Trowa as he headed to his car. Sally put Duo in the back of the special car, one much like a police vehicle with the separated front and back. He sat calmly, staring out the window as she drove to the Preventer's Psych hospital, St Mary's.
--In Wufei and Heero's Car--
"Heero.... Heero, what happened? This didn't just happen all at once. This took time, maybe years to happen." Wufei kept his eyes on the road, but still looked like he was staring accusingly at the man who had been closest to the cheerful man that had just completely lost touch with the world.
"What I want to know is why I'm the only one who is supposed to notice these things. You saw him too. I wasn't the only person he was around. I was just his roommate and friend. We would go out and do things together because you guys were always away. Quatre and Trowa were busy running Winner Enterprises, as well as happily going about their own relationship. You and Sally were absorbed in each other, as well as work. I had to make time for him, not just for him though.
“I needed him to be there for me too. Work can't be everything. That's why they sent me to that therapist for so long. I had to learn that, and no one else was willing to help me other than him. That's why we built that car. That's why I sold it. I couldn't stand the reminder that work wasn't my life anymore... He was. And now he's gone, and why would I need the reminder to live life when my life walks away... walks away because I hurt him, and because he thinks I hate him... I just couldn't do it. It hurt... and inside I knew that it would always hurt, but the soldier in me... The blasted perfectionist bastard that J had molded me to be came back and started whispering to me. No not really, don't look at me like that, I'm not hearing voices."
Heero smiled softly, almost laughing at Wufei's face as he sputtered.
"I was not- I would never- Alright. I lied. I was thinking that... But can you blame me? One of my closest friends just about killed himself and insists on being a new person. I'm a bit hesitant to not take some things seriously."
Heero actually laughed. He sighed as they drove up to the building, watching Duo get out of the car calmly, staring at the sky as he waited for Sally to get everything together. Heero could see his eyes, bright with the sun and a semblance of the old Duo.
Maybe there was still hope... Maybe he could get his old friend... his life, back.
"J's perfect soldier was telling me that I didn't need distractions anymore, because without Duo... without my life, work was the only thing I had left. And I couldn't pine away for him by looking at that car, by thinking about the past, I had to move on and forget him. Just like always... Except you want to know something? I never really forgot any of them. Any of the people I hurt along the way."
Heero watched Duo calmly be led into the building, as Wufei stopped the car and made to get out.
"We never really do Heero. I still remember my family, my wife. But I embrace them now, I can hold on to the memories and not feel guilty for wanting to be happy, for wanting to live with Sally and work and be me. I had striven to be what my family wanted me to be, and it was killing me, inside and out to be so unhappy. So I changed, I got out and did what I wanted and started seeing Sally, because it made me happy."
"Isn't that what Duo did?"
They both sat in the car, thinking.
--In Quatre's car--
"Trowa.. There's been an... incident. Duo.... Well.... He's being taken to Saint Mary's." Quatre stopped, trying to talk past the lump in his throat, the tightness in his chest, it was too hard.
"Quatre... What happened? Is he hurt physically, or is he mentally ill?"
Thank God for Trowa. He knew Quatre better than Quatre himself.
"What would I do without you? He's had a break... A psychotic episode. I'm on my way to pick you up, because we need to get all of us there. I don't know if it will help though... He's far gone. He.... Oh Trowa, he cut his hair! He's so... dead. He recognized us all, and he's calm enough. But he's dead Trowa. He isn't Duo anymore."
He heard a sigh, and quiet reassurances whispered in his ear.
"Don't worry, we'll get him back Quat. We'll get him back. I'll be downstairs waiting, okay mon petite?"
Quat stifled a giggle.
"Don't call me that! I know I'm shorter than you, but who isn't?"
It was a well worn "argument" between them. They played with nicknames all the time, a habit picked up from Duo.
"But angel, how will I know where you are when you don't blush so brightly you shine?"
"Trowa! You're horrible!"
He heard snickers coming from Trowa's end of the line, and was grateful for the momentary distraction.
"Thank you Trowa. You know how much I love you, right?"
"Yes, little one."
"Good. Because for the next week, you'll be sleeping alone."
The gasp and cursing was not lost on Quatre, and he laughed outright before shouting love to his partner and hanging up.
He felt a little better now....
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Duo sat in the chair, the same cold hard plastic ones in every hospital in the Earth Sphere. He wondered briefly why they made them so uncomfortable. He figured it was one of two things: either they were trying to pull a mental trick, the feeling of discomfort created nervousness which in turn led the patient to be more cooperative in hopes of leaving sooner. Or it was just that they never had to sit in the damn things themselves.
Who knows.
Was he crazy? They seemed to think he was. What had happened had been good. It was his rebirth. And now they wanted him? Only when faced with the possibility of loss would they fight to keep him. It simply wasn't fair.
He'd been such a great person. He was caring and kind (usually) and he was loving. That's what started this whole mess.
He still couldn't blame Sister Helen though. Even if she did open the gates in his head, it was only himself he could blame, for trusting that love was something that they would share with the likes of him.
Oh well.
Call it a lesson in life.
He sat in the chair, staring into the distant walls, the stark white corridors. Would they keep him here? Would they let him out, or would they tell him that he was too dangerous to live with and simply kill him out of pity and a sense of duty.
He smiled, a shallow smile, one directed at Sally, an attempt to reassure her that, no, he wasn't crazy.
She seemed more nervous after this... Maybe he should just stay quiet after all...
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Sally directed Duo to the chairs in the waiting area while she went to the desk to get the necessary paperwork. It was going to be hard to convince anyone to not just lock him up, simply on the grounds of his former pilot and terrorist status. If only he were a Preventer! Then he could have people vouch for him...
Then again, Une would have an aneurysm if Duo joined up. She still couldn't stand the former pilot.
She took the clipboard provided by the smiling desk clerk and sat next to the man staring off into space. He smiled at her, making her draw back a little. Was he dangerous?
Probably not, but she could remember several occasions where she witnessed him smile as he gleefully killed the men around him.
It was one of the most haunting sights she had ever seen.
She just didn't know what to make of the situation....
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Heero was the last to trail into the office, he would rather be outside waiting with his former friend. Not to protect the world from him, but to protect the man from the world. He was still Duo, deep down, but he was also this new person, someone who would never be quite the same as his old comrade.
"I brought you all in here to discuss Mister Maxwell's... Delicate condition."
They all nodded, faces strained with worry. They were almost family, many of them not having any family left to call on, so they had banded together in order to be the ones that each of them could trust.
Oh, how they had blown it.
"Mister Maxwell is currently sedated, not for safety reasons mind you, but for the simple fact that he needs the rest." He had seen the rising ire, and had quickly added the last part. "He is in a state of shock, possibly in denial. He committed a, to him, act of death and rebirth. He is no longer who he once was. That is the way he explained it to me. 'I could no longer be that person. So now, now I've changed to suit the life before me.' Those were his words. I need to know some of the things that led to this rather odd occurrence. I'll need to speak to each of you alone, starting with the person who found him."
Heero looked at the doctor, nodding his understanding. They all filed out, Trowa nodding his reassurance to Heero, while Quatre placed a hand on his shoulder.
Heero sat at the chair in front of the doctor, wishing he was outside with his Duo.
His Duo. Something that could never be again.
"Mister Yuy, I need to know a bit about the situation before this incident and a bit about your relationship to Mister Maxwell."
Heero nodded, gathering his memories.
"We were in the war together, as you know, and after the war we became roommates. I started work at the Preventers, and he took a mechanic's position at a nearby garage. We've lived together for three years now... And...I... I think I liked him... as more than just a friend. But I never knew it. I always just assumed it was because we were roommates,,, or that we spent more time together than with the rest of you guys. I... I would wait until he came home from his late night bar-hoping before I would go to sleep. That's how... that's how this all started. He... He was later than usual, and I... I guess I was worried. I know he's capable of protecting himself, but... I always wanted to make sure he was safe. It was my way of showing how I cared. He came home, and I opened the door, waiting to tell him that it was lat, and ask if he was okay, what had held him up. And then... before I could really fully understand it, he was kissing me, and I just... lashed out. I didn't even know I was doing it until he was on the floor.... My hand ached from that hit. And he just lay there... So sad.... And all I could think was "How could you hurt him like that? How could he hurt you like that?". I wanted him to feel like I did... I wanted him to loose his footing, to be lost without a clue in his feelings. I sold... I sold the car because it hurt to look at it and to think that we would never be able to be like that again... All because of two seconds."
Heero sighed, running his hands through his hair, eyes gazing into the past, not seeing the face of the doctor now, but seeing the purple bruise, the ugly swelling and the pain in those eyes. He watched as again, his Duo cut off his hair... His dead indigo eyes, the ones that had always sparkled, even in sadness.
He had been so sad lately... Hadn't he. Heero hadn't been as attentive to him lately.
"I think that he was getting more despondent as time went by... because I wasn't paying attention to him... I've been busy with work.. Busy avoiding him because he made me think about things... Things like friendships and lovers... Moving out into a bigger place... maybe getting a dog or something. I was being... domesticated... and I didn't want it. I mean, I did, but the soldier in me was screaming orders... screaming about how this wasn't the way for me to live...."
He sighed again.
"That soldier wanted to leave...to pick up and go and to never look back. A soldier shouldn't be happy... Not unless he's done well on a mission. He's just been promoted. A win. Something. Not because... Not because he was starting to like his best friend as more than that..."
The doctor looked up from his notes, searching the face of this man. He was so young, yet he was so troubled.
"Have you been in therapy before?"
A nod."
"Yes sir, two years of it. I was... I had a strange childhood, and I got the help I needed. It's never going to completely go away, and I've gotten help from my friends. I actually got the most help from Duo. He really taught me how to live. And now... now that man is gone. He was my closest friend, and now he's someone I don't really know. Maybe he'll be just like they was he was before, acting just the same, but he'll always be just a little off. His hair... It's not like I'm obsessed with it, I didn't much care for it really. It always got in the way, and was forever clogging the drain. But it was the one thing of his that he carried throughout his childhood. He wouldn't really talk about his childhood much. It was.... Bad, I guess. He was an orphan, living on the streets until he got taken in by an orphanage that was destroyed shortly thereafter. He would wake up some nights screaming, crying. He never talked in his sleep, but he would always mumble about the people he dreamt of as I sat there holding him while he calmed down."
The doctor looked at him, assessing his statement.
"I think that you did indeed have a closer relationship than you thought with him. I hate to ask you to think of hard things, but can you tell me about Duo's interaction with you? What was he like around you, versus how he was around the others?"
Heero looked uncomfortable, but answered none the less, his voice quieter than before as he contemplated the interactions of the two of them.
"Duo was clingy. He liked to touch people, hugs, a hand on a shoulder. He didn't do it to everybody mind you, he only did it to close friends and people he knew as more than acquaintances. But when we were together at a get-together or party, he would stay near me. I think it was both to comfort me, and to comfort himself. I liked it because I could keep an eye on him, could protect him... It was my soldier instincts... I told myself that it was my mission to keep him from harm. How I failed... Anyways, he liked to talk. He talked in abundance, and about everything. It was a good way to distract people from what he was doing or thinking. If they can't ask questions, then they can't figure him out. I never did that... I was always quiet, I talked to people, but when we got to something I didn't want to talk about, I just got quiet. He would talk around the subject. It was a dance almost. He liked Quatre and Wufei best after me I suppose. He and Trowa never got along really. I think he was still sore about Trowa blowing up Deathscythe, and then being his jailer. I think I would be a bit resentful too."
Heero stared out the window at the sunset, the color's flaring and mingling.
"For someone who labeled himself as Death, the Grim Reaper... He was a caring soul. He gave us all of his love, and we took it, because it was there and it was so nice... But we never gave him much back. I feel so bad for it too... I never thought about it much before he confessed to me that night. Now that I think about it..."
He paused, gathering his thoughts.
"I think it was because subconsciously I knew that he loved me, and that I didn't object to it that I hurt him. I would never have hurt him, but my body acted, my subconscious took over before rational thought did. I was so close to him... I just wish that I could get that back."
He looked at the doctor directly, his deep blue gaze slightly unnerving the doctor.
"I don't understand love... I don't know if that is what I feel towards the man I knew... But I know that if he'd give me another chance, I would gladly try to love him if it would bring him happiness."
He cleared his throat, a slight flush staining his cheeks as he got up.
"I think that's enough. You should talk to Wufei or Quatre next, they'll be able to answer more questions..."
Heero turned and walked to the door, pausing as his hand reached the handle.
"Do you think that we can bring back some of his old self? I think that it is better for him now, that he's dealt with some of the demons of his past and he's trying to become the person he's been inside all along... But do you think that he can forgive us... Forgive me?"
The doctor looked at the strained face, the desperate gleam in Heero's eyes. He couldn't break this poor man, not now."Yes. I think that there's still a chance that he'll be more of the man he once was, and that he'll be tempered by this experience, much like tempered steel. He'll be stronger for it, and maybe one day he'll forgive you."
The doctor smiled.
"But I think the first step to that goal is to forgive yourself. He'll come around only if you can come to terms with yourself. Think about it, okay?"
Heero nodded and left, closing the door softly behind him.
"What a sad young man. I truly hope that Mister Maxwell can still see the wonderful boy he fell in love with. I hope that it turns out alright in the end. They'll grow from this. The question is: will they grow together, or will they grow apart for good?"
He pressed the intercom, telling his assistant to send for Chang Wufei. He still had work to do.
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I just wanted to thank you again for the reviews. I hope that this helped you to understand Heero. I can see his turmoil, his pain. He really didn't understand what was happening, so he distanced himself to figure it out, but unintentionally he instigated this entire thing. Poor Heero!
And to one reviewer from another story, I hope that I have created a character that you can feel with, that you can see through their eyes, and feel what they do.
Thank you for reading!
(Don't much count on that one... I'll try, but really...)
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Love...
Love was something that Duo had not felt since... Since Helen. She was the one person who had loved him just for being him. She would hold him as she sang hymns to help him sleep... Would brush and braid his hair, telling him about God and Love. What was it she had said to him?
"God is love. He is the feeling that you get, and he is the person that you love. God is love, so when you love someone, you love God."
He had laughed at her, saying that he had never, and he would never, love anyone in his life. The look on her face had made him hastily reassure her that she would be the only person he loved in the world. She smiled, and said that if she was the only person he loved, that she would be sad because he had so much love to give.
If only she had known...
But everyone reaches a point where you can't keep giving without receiving something in return. If you keep giving and no one will give you anything back, you'll just keep giving until you break. Duo gave them all of his love, all of his love. He had given them his everything, and they had smiled and nodded and ignored and shunned him.
He was tired of bending over backwards for people that didn't understand the gift that they had been given.
He was tired of going to a shit job where he was paid next to nothing just so that he would be ridiculed and under-appreciated. He was sick of being the convenient friend. The one who didn't require days in advance notice to talk to. The one that they all came up to and dumped their loads on. He was tired of it.
Duo sat in the park, staring up at the cloudy sky, wishing that he could see the stars.
Would he live among the stars?
This was his chance to start new. To find a new place in the world, a new persona, and new Duo Maxwell.
He would be friendly, but not overly so. He would be smart, and funny. Witty and polite. Someone invited to all the parties, but only the ones with his friends.
He would have real friends.
Not just comrades at arms. True friends, who would talk, and who would listen
They would listen when he told them of his constant harassment at work, when he shared his hopes and dreams.
They would find him interesting and lovable.
He would be loved.
Loved...
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"Duo." Sally called, trying to snap him into the present. She was worried. This was far more extensive than anything that they had thought that might happen. Sure they had plans for if any of them went Zero, or if they had a small psychotic episode... but this?
This was a major psychotic episode. This was something major... something that scared Sally, that shook her to her core. She had known that Duo was unhappy, that he was feeling lonely. But she thought that it was nothing more than just a passing thing. After all, everyone knew that Heero and Duo went out on weekends and played ball, or fixed that car. They went places and did things.
How could he be lonely?
Well, she had her answer now.
"Duo..Duo please." She stared into blank indigo eyes as she called out. She swore she could see the life return to them as he answered her.
"No Sally. I'm not Duo. Is it time to go now?" She nodded dumbly, not quite sure what to make of this. He stood up, face steady and eyes looking around him like he was seeing everything for the first time. He walked to the door, calm and collected. He turned to her, motioning for her to move. She walked cautiously to him, scared of making sudden move, scared that he may be in a temporary state of shock and denial.
She motioned for the rest of the group to follow, and they all walked down to the cars. Nothing was said during the elevator ride down, and nothing more than "We'll see you at the office." was heard before they separated into the cars. Wufei and Heero got into their car, while Quatre was on the phone, presumably with Trowa as he headed to his car. Sally put Duo in the back of the special car, one much like a police vehicle with the separated front and back. He sat calmly, staring out the window as she drove to the Preventer's Psych hospital, St Mary's.
--In Wufei and Heero's Car--
"Heero.... Heero, what happened? This didn't just happen all at once. This took time, maybe years to happen." Wufei kept his eyes on the road, but still looked like he was staring accusingly at the man who had been closest to the cheerful man that had just completely lost touch with the world.
"What I want to know is why I'm the only one who is supposed to notice these things. You saw him too. I wasn't the only person he was around. I was just his roommate and friend. We would go out and do things together because you guys were always away. Quatre and Trowa were busy running Winner Enterprises, as well as happily going about their own relationship. You and Sally were absorbed in each other, as well as work. I had to make time for him, not just for him though.
“I needed him to be there for me too. Work can't be everything. That's why they sent me to that therapist for so long. I had to learn that, and no one else was willing to help me other than him. That's why we built that car. That's why I sold it. I couldn't stand the reminder that work wasn't my life anymore... He was. And now he's gone, and why would I need the reminder to live life when my life walks away... walks away because I hurt him, and because he thinks I hate him... I just couldn't do it. It hurt... and inside I knew that it would always hurt, but the soldier in me... The blasted perfectionist bastard that J had molded me to be came back and started whispering to me. No not really, don't look at me like that, I'm not hearing voices."
Heero smiled softly, almost laughing at Wufei's face as he sputtered.
"I was not- I would never- Alright. I lied. I was thinking that... But can you blame me? One of my closest friends just about killed himself and insists on being a new person. I'm a bit hesitant to not take some things seriously."
Heero actually laughed. He sighed as they drove up to the building, watching Duo get out of the car calmly, staring at the sky as he waited for Sally to get everything together. Heero could see his eyes, bright with the sun and a semblance of the old Duo.
Maybe there was still hope... Maybe he could get his old friend... his life, back.
"J's perfect soldier was telling me that I didn't need distractions anymore, because without Duo... without my life, work was the only thing I had left. And I couldn't pine away for him by looking at that car, by thinking about the past, I had to move on and forget him. Just like always... Except you want to know something? I never really forgot any of them. Any of the people I hurt along the way."
Heero watched Duo calmly be led into the building, as Wufei stopped the car and made to get out.
"We never really do Heero. I still remember my family, my wife. But I embrace them now, I can hold on to the memories and not feel guilty for wanting to be happy, for wanting to live with Sally and work and be me. I had striven to be what my family wanted me to be, and it was killing me, inside and out to be so unhappy. So I changed, I got out and did what I wanted and started seeing Sally, because it made me happy."
"Isn't that what Duo did?"
They both sat in the car, thinking.
--In Quatre's car--
"Trowa.. There's been an... incident. Duo.... Well.... He's being taken to Saint Mary's." Quatre stopped, trying to talk past the lump in his throat, the tightness in his chest, it was too hard.
"Quatre... What happened? Is he hurt physically, or is he mentally ill?"
Thank God for Trowa. He knew Quatre better than Quatre himself.
"What would I do without you? He's had a break... A psychotic episode. I'm on my way to pick you up, because we need to get all of us there. I don't know if it will help though... He's far gone. He.... Oh Trowa, he cut his hair! He's so... dead. He recognized us all, and he's calm enough. But he's dead Trowa. He isn't Duo anymore."
He heard a sigh, and quiet reassurances whispered in his ear.
"Don't worry, we'll get him back Quat. We'll get him back. I'll be downstairs waiting, okay mon petite?"
Quat stifled a giggle.
"Don't call me that! I know I'm shorter than you, but who isn't?"
It was a well worn "argument" between them. They played with nicknames all the time, a habit picked up from Duo.
"But angel, how will I know where you are when you don't blush so brightly you shine?"
"Trowa! You're horrible!"
He heard snickers coming from Trowa's end of the line, and was grateful for the momentary distraction.
"Thank you Trowa. You know how much I love you, right?"
"Yes, little one."
"Good. Because for the next week, you'll be sleeping alone."
The gasp and cursing was not lost on Quatre, and he laughed outright before shouting love to his partner and hanging up.
He felt a little better now....
-
Duo sat in the chair, the same cold hard plastic ones in every hospital in the Earth Sphere. He wondered briefly why they made them so uncomfortable. He figured it was one of two things: either they were trying to pull a mental trick, the feeling of discomfort created nervousness which in turn led the patient to be more cooperative in hopes of leaving sooner. Or it was just that they never had to sit in the damn things themselves.
Who knows.
Was he crazy? They seemed to think he was. What had happened had been good. It was his rebirth. And now they wanted him? Only when faced with the possibility of loss would they fight to keep him. It simply wasn't fair.
He'd been such a great person. He was caring and kind (usually) and he was loving. That's what started this whole mess.
He still couldn't blame Sister Helen though. Even if she did open the gates in his head, it was only himself he could blame, for trusting that love was something that they would share with the likes of him.
Oh well.
Call it a lesson in life.
He sat in the chair, staring into the distant walls, the stark white corridors. Would they keep him here? Would they let him out, or would they tell him that he was too dangerous to live with and simply kill him out of pity and a sense of duty.
He smiled, a shallow smile, one directed at Sally, an attempt to reassure her that, no, he wasn't crazy.
She seemed more nervous after this... Maybe he should just stay quiet after all...
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Sally directed Duo to the chairs in the waiting area while she went to the desk to get the necessary paperwork. It was going to be hard to convince anyone to not just lock him up, simply on the grounds of his former pilot and terrorist status. If only he were a Preventer! Then he could have people vouch for him...
Then again, Une would have an aneurysm if Duo joined up. She still couldn't stand the former pilot.
She took the clipboard provided by the smiling desk clerk and sat next to the man staring off into space. He smiled at her, making her draw back a little. Was he dangerous?
Probably not, but she could remember several occasions where she witnessed him smile as he gleefully killed the men around him.
It was one of the most haunting sights she had ever seen.
She just didn't know what to make of the situation....
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Heero was the last to trail into the office, he would rather be outside waiting with his former friend. Not to protect the world from him, but to protect the man from the world. He was still Duo, deep down, but he was also this new person, someone who would never be quite the same as his old comrade.
"I brought you all in here to discuss Mister Maxwell's... Delicate condition."
They all nodded, faces strained with worry. They were almost family, many of them not having any family left to call on, so they had banded together in order to be the ones that each of them could trust.
Oh, how they had blown it.
"Mister Maxwell is currently sedated, not for safety reasons mind you, but for the simple fact that he needs the rest." He had seen the rising ire, and had quickly added the last part. "He is in a state of shock, possibly in denial. He committed a, to him, act of death and rebirth. He is no longer who he once was. That is the way he explained it to me. 'I could no longer be that person. So now, now I've changed to suit the life before me.' Those were his words. I need to know some of the things that led to this rather odd occurrence. I'll need to speak to each of you alone, starting with the person who found him."
Heero looked at the doctor, nodding his understanding. They all filed out, Trowa nodding his reassurance to Heero, while Quatre placed a hand on his shoulder.
Heero sat at the chair in front of the doctor, wishing he was outside with his Duo.
His Duo. Something that could never be again.
"Mister Yuy, I need to know a bit about the situation before this incident and a bit about your relationship to Mister Maxwell."
Heero nodded, gathering his memories.
"We were in the war together, as you know, and after the war we became roommates. I started work at the Preventers, and he took a mechanic's position at a nearby garage. We've lived together for three years now... And...I... I think I liked him... as more than just a friend. But I never knew it. I always just assumed it was because we were roommates,,, or that we spent more time together than with the rest of you guys. I... I would wait until he came home from his late night bar-hoping before I would go to sleep. That's how... that's how this all started. He... He was later than usual, and I... I guess I was worried. I know he's capable of protecting himself, but... I always wanted to make sure he was safe. It was my way of showing how I cared. He came home, and I opened the door, waiting to tell him that it was lat, and ask if he was okay, what had held him up. And then... before I could really fully understand it, he was kissing me, and I just... lashed out. I didn't even know I was doing it until he was on the floor.... My hand ached from that hit. And he just lay there... So sad.... And all I could think was "How could you hurt him like that? How could he hurt you like that?". I wanted him to feel like I did... I wanted him to loose his footing, to be lost without a clue in his feelings. I sold... I sold the car because it hurt to look at it and to think that we would never be able to be like that again... All because of two seconds."
Heero sighed, running his hands through his hair, eyes gazing into the past, not seeing the face of the doctor now, but seeing the purple bruise, the ugly swelling and the pain in those eyes. He watched as again, his Duo cut off his hair... His dead indigo eyes, the ones that had always sparkled, even in sadness.
He had been so sad lately... Hadn't he. Heero hadn't been as attentive to him lately.
"I think that he was getting more despondent as time went by... because I wasn't paying attention to him... I've been busy with work.. Busy avoiding him because he made me think about things... Things like friendships and lovers... Moving out into a bigger place... maybe getting a dog or something. I was being... domesticated... and I didn't want it. I mean, I did, but the soldier in me was screaming orders... screaming about how this wasn't the way for me to live...."
He sighed again.
"That soldier wanted to leave...to pick up and go and to never look back. A soldier shouldn't be happy... Not unless he's done well on a mission. He's just been promoted. A win. Something. Not because... Not because he was starting to like his best friend as more than that..."
The doctor looked up from his notes, searching the face of this man. He was so young, yet he was so troubled.
"Have you been in therapy before?"
A nod."
"Yes sir, two years of it. I was... I had a strange childhood, and I got the help I needed. It's never going to completely go away, and I've gotten help from my friends. I actually got the most help from Duo. He really taught me how to live. And now... now that man is gone. He was my closest friend, and now he's someone I don't really know. Maybe he'll be just like they was he was before, acting just the same, but he'll always be just a little off. His hair... It's not like I'm obsessed with it, I didn't much care for it really. It always got in the way, and was forever clogging the drain. But it was the one thing of his that he carried throughout his childhood. He wouldn't really talk about his childhood much. It was.... Bad, I guess. He was an orphan, living on the streets until he got taken in by an orphanage that was destroyed shortly thereafter. He would wake up some nights screaming, crying. He never talked in his sleep, but he would always mumble about the people he dreamt of as I sat there holding him while he calmed down."
The doctor looked at him, assessing his statement.
"I think that you did indeed have a closer relationship than you thought with him. I hate to ask you to think of hard things, but can you tell me about Duo's interaction with you? What was he like around you, versus how he was around the others?"
Heero looked uncomfortable, but answered none the less, his voice quieter than before as he contemplated the interactions of the two of them.
"Duo was clingy. He liked to touch people, hugs, a hand on a shoulder. He didn't do it to everybody mind you, he only did it to close friends and people he knew as more than acquaintances. But when we were together at a get-together or party, he would stay near me. I think it was both to comfort me, and to comfort himself. I liked it because I could keep an eye on him, could protect him... It was my soldier instincts... I told myself that it was my mission to keep him from harm. How I failed... Anyways, he liked to talk. He talked in abundance, and about everything. It was a good way to distract people from what he was doing or thinking. If they can't ask questions, then they can't figure him out. I never did that... I was always quiet, I talked to people, but when we got to something I didn't want to talk about, I just got quiet. He would talk around the subject. It was a dance almost. He liked Quatre and Wufei best after me I suppose. He and Trowa never got along really. I think he was still sore about Trowa blowing up Deathscythe, and then being his jailer. I think I would be a bit resentful too."
Heero stared out the window at the sunset, the color's flaring and mingling.
"For someone who labeled himself as Death, the Grim Reaper... He was a caring soul. He gave us all of his love, and we took it, because it was there and it was so nice... But we never gave him much back. I feel so bad for it too... I never thought about it much before he confessed to me that night. Now that I think about it..."
He paused, gathering his thoughts.
"I think it was because subconsciously I knew that he loved me, and that I didn't object to it that I hurt him. I would never have hurt him, but my body acted, my subconscious took over before rational thought did. I was so close to him... I just wish that I could get that back."
He looked at the doctor directly, his deep blue gaze slightly unnerving the doctor.
"I don't understand love... I don't know if that is what I feel towards the man I knew... But I know that if he'd give me another chance, I would gladly try to love him if it would bring him happiness."
He cleared his throat, a slight flush staining his cheeks as he got up.
"I think that's enough. You should talk to Wufei or Quatre next, they'll be able to answer more questions..."
Heero turned and walked to the door, pausing as his hand reached the handle.
"Do you think that we can bring back some of his old self? I think that it is better for him now, that he's dealt with some of the demons of his past and he's trying to become the person he's been inside all along... But do you think that he can forgive us... Forgive me?"
The doctor looked at the strained face, the desperate gleam in Heero's eyes. He couldn't break this poor man, not now."Yes. I think that there's still a chance that he'll be more of the man he once was, and that he'll be tempered by this experience, much like tempered steel. He'll be stronger for it, and maybe one day he'll forgive you."
The doctor smiled.
"But I think the first step to that goal is to forgive yourself. He'll come around only if you can come to terms with yourself. Think about it, okay?"
Heero nodded and left, closing the door softly behind him.
"What a sad young man. I truly hope that Mister Maxwell can still see the wonderful boy he fell in love with. I hope that it turns out alright in the end. They'll grow from this. The question is: will they grow together, or will they grow apart for good?"
He pressed the intercom, telling his assistant to send for Chang Wufei. He still had work to do.
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I just wanted to thank you again for the reviews. I hope that this helped you to understand Heero. I can see his turmoil, his pain. He really didn't understand what was happening, so he distanced himself to figure it out, but unintentionally he instigated this entire thing. Poor Heero!
And to one reviewer from another story, I hope that I have created a character that you can feel with, that you can see through their eyes, and feel what they do.
Thank you for reading!