Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Death Throws ❯ Record 2.4 ( Chapter 9 )

Death Throws: Record 2.4

By: Kiamirei

~I don't own Gundam Wing. Feel free to review this, or to email me; I could use the critiques.

ALL CONSUMING GUILT

Relena did not like to think of herself as a particularly idiotic person. She much preferred to regard herself as capable, intelligent, and an alert young woman doing her very best to help the world. That had all changed in an instant, though, as she heard Heero's name on the news one night and had glued her eyes to the screen, listening with a gaping mouth. It had not been hard to figure out what had happened. The diary, containing all of the information discussed over the news, had been on a chair. William had come. She had gotten up. After eating, William had gone. Then the diary was gone. There was no trace of William. Only few days later, the information on the Gundam pilots was released. It was no difficult task to put too and two together after that, and the implications had made her feel sick. Indeed, she had thrown up more than once already, and could not be sure that she would not do so again.

Just to be sure that she was correct, she had searched the entire estate for the past four days, and had instructed the people who worked there to search also, with the promise of a salary raise as their reward. But no matter how long they had looked, the notebook was simply nowhere to be found. Her suspicions were confirmed then, and she realized that it really was all her fault. That was the reason why she had spent the past two days sitting in her shower, completely ignoring the pleas to come out or at least to eat something made by her staff.

Isn't this the way that it always is? She asked herself bitterly, tossing up a bar of soap and catching it in her hand. Isn't this how it goes? The world falls apart and all the while, Relena Peacecraft hides and cries her eyes out. I'm so pathetic.

The guilt was awful, but she knew that she deserved it. After all, how many times had she pleaded with Heero to trust her, or to stay with her, or even just to speak to her? There was one incident that particularly came to mind. The war had just ended, and she was about to depart to her estate.

"Please, Heero?" she had asked. "Just for a little while? Staying with me would do you some good."

"No."

"Why don't you trust me? You treat me as if I were an enemy!"

Didn't he understand? She cared for him! No harm would come to him while she was there!

"If you were my enemy, you'd be dead. If I go with you, they'll find out who I am," he replied, cobalt eyes looking disinterested beneath their cold exterior.

"No you won't! I promise! Why can't you see that?"

"Relena."

His voice, monotone until now, had faint traces of emotion, and she knew that she had angered him. He waited for her to answer, and the few agonizing seconds of silence seemed to stretch for eternity to her.

"Y-yes, Heero?"

"Leave me the hell alone."

She had stepped back, stunned, watching silently as he left. Tears started to form in her eyes and she punched the wall angrily, wincing at the pain that it caused.

Relena knew her little scene had been childish as soon as he had gotten out of sight, and even after all that she had ended up betraying him anyway, despite all her promises. Now she could never look him in the eye again. And what about the other pilots? She had betrayed them, too. What of Duo, who had shot Heero once because he thought Wing Zero's pilot was trying to harm her? Or of Wufei and Trowa, whom she did not know well at all? There was Quatre, too. Their lives, and the lives of any future children they might have, would never be the same again. On top of that, Quatre had twenty-nine sisters, and they, too, would be caught up in the mess. That was a lot of people she had betrayed, and all because of her naiveté.

Never again would she trust a complete stranger who had pretended to be a friend, and she was both surprised and embarrassed that she had done so in the first place.

Was I really so lonely? She thought. Could I really have been so blind? I'm sorry, Heero!

But it was far too late for apologies, and she knew it well. She had messed up royally, and as a result was the one responsible for the destruction of the lives of people who deserved to be happy. Relena started crying again, consumed by guilt and remorse that she knew would accomplish nothing, yet not able to stop the salty tears from running freely down her face. She hung her head in shame.

You're so pathetic! She berated herself. A crisis arrives, and what do you do? Knowing that everything is your fault, instead of taking steps to remedy the mistakes that you made, you lock yourself in your bathroom and refuse to come out. Some politician you are. It would be easier if you just killed yourself. Maybe the stories told about it would take away some of the public outcry that Heero -who you had the audacity to say "I love you" to once- and the other pilots are going to face. You deserve death, either way.

Trembling, she reached for the razor that was placed on the bottom of the shower. Blinking back tears, she pressed the blade up to her wrist and took a few deep breaths.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, and closed her eyes tightly.

But she could not make herself press the sharp edge into her skin. Death, she felt, was something that she had no right to embrace at that point in time. Her mistakes were her own fault, and it was her bound duty to pay the price for them.

"D-damn it all!" she yelled, throwing the razor out of the shower as hard as she possibly could. It struck the mirror and dropped to the floor.

She turned on the water, but the hot water had not come back yet, and she hastily turned it off. Crying again, and now freezing cold as well, Relena Peacecraft ordered her servants, who had come running, to leave her alone as she sat on the floor of her shower, shaking.