Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Duo's Vacation: The Incredible Edible Olympics ❯ One-Shot

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Duo's Vacation: The Incredible Edible Olympics
by Konran no Tenshi and Shinimegami

Authors' Notes: G-wing does not belong to us, nor do the G-boys (although if somebody decides
to have an auction, we will bid everything we own...) Anyways... this idea came to us while we
were *very* bored and waiting for our Homecoming dance to start. We were at Konran no
Tenshi's house eating squeeze cheese and Wheat Thins, when one of us (nobody remembers
who) said, "Hmm... can you imagine the fun Duo would have with squeeze cheese?" And so the
madness began.

Konran no Tenshi: *hee hee* Watch out, guys, I'm hyped up on many many cups of tea!

Shinimegami: Um... that's herbal tea. There's no caffeine in it.

Konran no Tenshi: But it's got ginseng.

Shinimegami: GINSENG?!

Konran no Tenshi: I can pretend there's caffeine, too. Anyway, there's sugar in it.

Shinimegami: Caffeine *and* ginseng? Kami help us all.

Anyway... we won't make you sit through any more of this long (and probably extremely boring)
authors' note. On to the 'fic! (Comments, questions, suggestions and flames can be sent to
Konran no Tenshi at chantrea2andromeda@yahoo.com or Shinimegami at
silver_vixen14@yahoo.com. Flames will be used to torch Relena and Whiny Wufei. *Moechae!
Moechae de jigoku! Hahahaha!*)

Shinimegami: Whoo boy.

***


"Woo hoo!"

Duo jumped out of the car and dashed up the driveway. After being stuck in a too-small rental
car for 8 hours with Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and especially Wufei, he was more than happy to
have arrived.

The others got out a bit more slowly, stretching stiff, cramped muscles and staring up at the small
mountain cabin that was to be their home for the next week.

"I still say we should have gone to Hawaii," Trowa grumped.

"Area 51." Heero smirked.

"Disneyland!" Quatre whined.

Wufei staggered out of the car last. "I feel sick," he groaned.

"Well, if you hadn't eaten those three hot dogs, six bags of chips, two nachos, and that extra extra
large Coke, Wufei..."

Wufei wasn't listening. At the mention of food his face had gone absolutely green and he was
currently vomiting into the shrubbery.

"Come on, minna!" Duo's grin was as wide as his face as he yelled from the door. "We're here!
Let's have some fun and enjoy our vacation for once! Come on, let's see what kind of place this
is!"

"You mean, you don't know what it's like?" Quatre asked in shock. "You drag us out here in the
middle of nowhere to the cabin *you* were in charge of renting, and we don't know *anything*
about it?"

"Relax, Qua-chan! It'll be fine."

The others joined Duo at the door, Wufei wiping his mouth and looking pale.

"And now..." Duo proclaimed. "The moment we've all been waiting for!"

"Speak for yourself," Heero muttered.

Duo threw the door open with a grand gesture and poked his head inside. After a minute, he took
a few steps inside. He turned back to the others, shock written across his face. "It's a dump!" he
exclaimed. "I don't believe this!"

He went in further. The others could hear him muttering to himself. Trowa put his hands behind
his head. "Leave it to Duo to pick the trashiest place possible, ne, Heero?"

Heero didn't reply.

The other four G-boys entered the small mountain cabin. Actually, it wasn't all that bad. It
consisted of a spacious common room with a large sofa, a loveseat, and a coffee table, plus a
chair; a kitchen; a bathroom; and a loft that took up half the space above the common room that
held five separate bedrooms.

"I don't believe this!" Duo continued to moan. "No TV! This means..." He gasped and his eyes
went wide. "This means no Dragonball Z!"

"I'm sure you can survive without it for a few days, Duo-kun," Heero said.

Duo shook his head back and forth looking traumatized, his braid whipping back and forth as he
did so. "Nooo... I've got to have my DBZ! I've gotta see what happens! Gohan's about to whip
Cell!"

Wufei, somewhat recovered from his nausea, snorted. "Cell is a weakling."

Duo looked hurt. "He is *not*! He managed to get rid of Mr. Satan pretty fast! I'm sure he could
handle *you*!"

"Now, now..." Quatre stepped in between them. "You guys shouldn't be fighting."

Duo sighed. "You're right." He looked around. "Know what? I'm hungry. Let's go raid the
kitchen."

As they all trooped into thez
small kitchen, a light snow began to fall.

***

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The piercing shriek could be heard all over the cabin.

Duo was curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor, clutching his stomach.

"NO FOOOOOOOOD! I'M STARVING!"

Everyone else just stared at the practically-sobbing Shinigami.

"Well..." Quatre tried to be optimistic. "We'll just have to go out and buy some food, won't we?"
He tried a cheery smile.

"No good." Trowa stared off into space.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"That baka Maxwell spent all our vacation money on this cabin," Wufei spoke up. "We don't
have any money to *buy* food with."

Duo lay on the floor twitching.

"Hn." Heero said nothing, but simply held up a small, rectangular object made of plastic.

Duo was instantly revived. "Woo hoo! Heero and his magic credit card! Let's go *shopping*!"

Wufei raised an eyebrow. "With the amount of food Maxwell will want to buy, that probably
won't be enough."

"No problem." Heero reached into hammerspace and pulled something out.

Four somethings.

He handed one something each to Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei. "I got you guys one this time
too."

***

"Let's see. I'll have one of these, and one of these... ooh, gotta have some of these..."

Duo was in seventh heaven. He wandered down the aisles cramming whatever junk food he
could fit into his cart. Heero's orders had been strict.

"*One* cart, and one cart only, guys. You can put whatever you want in there, but only *one*.
Hear me, Duo-kun?"

Duo pouted, but acquiesced. "Hai."

Now he wandered all over the store, throwing anything and everything that caught his eye into
the cart. "Ooh... Twinkies!"

***

In another part of the store, Heero was getting food too, but mostly things that you threw in the
microwave and they magically turned into a full meal. Things like frozen pizza, and frozen
french fries, and Lean Cuisine. However, he did stop and stare longingly at his one weakness for
a few minutes.

*I really shouldn't... they always get all over my black spandex shorts, and the stains are such a
pain to wash... oh what the jigoku.*

Heero threw a super-sized bag of Cheetoes into his cart.

***

"Hmm hmm hmm... la la la la la la la..." Quatre strolled down the aisles, humming a happy little
tune to himself. He knew the other pilots would buy junk food and stuff like that, so he loaded
his cart with healthy stuff, like fruit and vegetables and things like that. However, he just couldn't
resist the double-fudge-chocolate-chip-chocolate swirl ice cream. "Mmm... yummy." He added it
to his cart and moved on.

***

Trowa bought... normal stuff.

***

Wufei bought the minimum necessary, and filled the rest of his cart with Nyquil, Tylenol PM,
and other products along those lines.

*I'm going to need some way to put him to sleep if I'm going to spend all week with that baka
Maxwell and his 20 tons of junk food,* he thought.

***

They passed through the checkout line without incident, and managed to load everything into the
car, although it did sink about a foot lower to the ground once everyone plus all their groceries
was inside.

"Honestly, Maxwell, how much did you *buy*, anyway?" Wufei grumped.

Duo gave him a mock-hurt look. "Aww, not that much, actually. I was *cruel* with myself! I left
out the presweetened breakfast cereal, and the triple-ginseng tea, and the..."

"Urusai!" He was silenced by four glares.

"Hmmph." Duo settled back into the backseat to pout, squished in between Quatre, Wufei, and
everyone's umpteen bags of groceries.

As they drove home, no one noticed that the snow was beginning to fall a bit more heavily.

***

"NANIIIIIIII?"

Once again Duo's piercing shriek plagued the whole cabin.

"That's right." Trowa maintained his unshakable calm. "The snowstorm is getting worse.
According to the radio, it could last for a few days. That means we'll be snowed in for at least a
week."

Duo plopped himself down on the couch. "Oh well," he sighed, "at least we won't starve." A
gleam appeared in his violet eyes. "Let's eat!"

***

"Mmmm."

The only sound that could be heard throughout the entire cabin was the sound of contented
munching, and, occasionally, the rustle of a wrapper as someone reached for something.

A ton of junk food was strewn across the coffee table and the floor, as the G-boys lounged on the
sofa and loveseat, Wufei claiming the chair.

Potato chips. Cookies. Ice cream. Candy of all varieties. Snack crackers. Fruit snacks. These
were only a few of the items that lay about up for grabs.

Duo squirted some Cheez Whiz onto a cracker and gobbled it down, the whole thing taking no
longer than three seconds.

Quatre stared. "Want a cracker with your Cheez Whiz, Duo-chan?"

Duo grinned. "Nah. That's ok. The cracker just adds a little flavor."

Wufei, tossing gummie bears up in the air and catching them in his mouth, shook his head.
"Sometimes I worry about you, Maxwell."

Duo ignored him. He snagged a cookie out of the box lying next to him and proceeded to cover it
in Cheez Whiz.

"Yuck!" Quatre screeched. "That's disgusting!"

"Mmmph mm glomph." Duo had shoved the entire extra-large cookie in his mouth. "Dnt knrk tif
yhvnt trdt."

"Wanna say that without a full mouth?" Heero commented, not looking up from his triple-deluxe
ice cream sundae.

Duo worked the huge lump of cookie and Cheez Whiz around in his mouth, then somehow
swallowed the entire thing without choking on it. "Don't knock it if you haven't tried it,
Qua-chan."

Quatre shuddered. "But... that's... *cheddar and bacon* Cheez Whiz on..." He shuddered again.
"A *chocolate* cookie!"

Duo scrunched up his face. "I don't see your problem." He ate another one.

Quatre reached over to grab one of the cookies...

... and froze in mid-motion.

There was a nearly-full can of Cheez Whiz staring him in the face... the business end pointed
directly at him.

"Uh uh." Duo shook his head, waving the can for emphasis. He pointed to himself with his free
hand. "MINE."

"Uh... right." Quatre retreated.

"Hey."

Duo looked up.

"Nobody threatens Qua-chan."

Trowa was pointing a can of whipped cream in his direction.

"Hey, they're *my* cookies," Duo replied defensively.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!" Duo reaimed the cheez whiz at Trowa.

"Duo-chan, don't..." Quatre's sentence trailed off as, by grabbing Duo's arm, he caused cheddar
and bacon cheez whiz to be sprayed all over Trowa. Of course, his bangs shielded him from the
worst of it, but still... Quatre stared in horror. "Uh oh..."

Trowa calmly wiped most of the cheez whiz off of himself. "Of course you know..." he stated
evenly, "that this means war."

Squirt.

Duo now resembled the Abominable Snowman.

"HEY!" he squealed. "I didn't do it!" He turned furiously on Quatre. "This is all your fault!" he
exclaimed.

Squiiiiiiirt.

"Eyyaaaaaaaaaagh!" Quatre screamed as he was hit in the leg. If he hadn'tve dodged, he would
have been hit in the face.

He grabbed the bottle of chocolate syrup from Heero and let the dark, gooey substance fly.

His eyes widened in horror. "Ooops..."

"Hahaha!" Duo laughed maniacally from on top of the table. "Never try to outwit Shinigami!"

Wufei slowly stood up. Quatre could almost see the smoke pouring from his ears. He went and
cowered under the table. "Please don't hurt me..."

"KISAMAAAAAAA!!" Wufei let out a scream of rage and launched a fistful of gummie bears at
Quatre. They stuck in the cheez whiz, decorating the yellow substance with green, red, and
orange squishy fruity bears, while Duo, still perched up on top of the table, continued with his
insane-sounding laugh.

It was cut short, however, as he was sprayed in the back of the head with something cold, sticky,
and fizzy.

The dripping Duo slowly turned around to find Heero staring with calm Prussian blue eyes at
him, still holding a two-liter bottle of grape soda.

"Do you know how hard it is to get grape stains OUT?!" Duo howled at him.

Heero grinned evilly. "That's the idea."

Shakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshakeshake.

Squ irt.

Duo got this one in the face.

"Yaaaaaaagh!" He screamed in rage and leaped over the table, armed with his squeeze cheese
and a bag of mini marshmallows. "Take that! And that! And that!" He tossed fistfuls of the
marshmallows at Heero.

Laughing, Heero raised his arms to protect himself from the small shower of marshmallows.
Wufei, having run out of gummie bears, rummaged around on the table and started throwing
Cheetoes at Quatre.

Heero stopped laughing.

"NOT MY CHEETOES!!" he screamed. He began to attack Wufei with cookies, using them like
frisbees. Wufei ducked one, then moved right into the path of another one and it hit him right in
the head. "Ouch, Yuy, that hurt," he complained.

Trowa took this opportunity to dump the bowl of popcorn all over Wufei.

Duo cracked up laughing. "Hahahaha, Wu-chan, it looks like you've been tarred and feathered!"
The combination of chocolate syrup and popcorn did look a little funny.

Wufei growled at him. "Shut up, Maxwell, and for the last time... DON'T CALL ME
WU-CHAN!"

Heero advanced on Wufei, a psychotic light in his eyes. "You... used... my... Cheetoes... to...
throw... at... QUATRE?!!"

Wufei swallowed. "Ulp!"

Heero let go of Wufei's collar and went over to pick up his bowl of ice cream. Wufei relaxed
slightly and sighed in relief. This was short-lived, however. Heero picked up his bowl...

and
d
u
m
p
e
d

it
on Wufei's head.

"EYAAAAAAAGH!" Wufei shrieked as the cold sweet substance seeped into his hair. "You're
dead, Yuy!" Wufei picked up one of Duo's spare cans of Cheez Whiz, and, despite Duo's
protests, aimed it at Heero. He pressed down on the nozzle, and began to laugh maniacally.

Nothing happened.

Heero took this opportunity to open a box, and, balancing it on his fingers, throw a frozen pizza
at Wufei's head.

WHAP!

Direct hit. Wufei fell to the ground, landing on a bottle of root beer, which immediately
exploded, showering everyone in the sticky liquid. Heero began to wipe himself off, and slowly
and calmly walked over to Wufei's prone body. He picked up Quatre's dropped bottle of
chocolate syrup, and squirted it all over Wufei's face, proceeding to "decorate" him in various
food items.

Duo joined in, shouting various things to the unconscious Wufei. "This is for the root beer! I'm
gonna be washing *that* out of my braid for the rest of the month!" He made a mouth of Skittles
on Wufei. Even Quatre came out of his hiding place, and began to *try* to make both of them
stop. Trowa joined in the decoration.

"Not you too, Trowa?!"

Trowa had in his hands a bottle of cherry syrup, which he was using to write "I Love Onnas" on
his arms. Heero noticed this, and began to rip off Wufei's shirt.

"Heero?! I had no idea..."

"Be quiet, baka! That's not what I'm trying to do! Watch!" He squirted whipped cream all over
Wufei's bare chest and stuck some M&M's in the shape of a smiley face in the whipped cream.
Trowa wiped part of the whipped cream off, making enough room for his next masterpiece.
With caramel syrup in hand, he proceeded to write "SHENLONG SUCKS!", "NATAKU IS
WEAK", and "SALLY'S PET" with a giant cherry syrup heart around the last one.

"Stop it, you guys! This is so immature..."

Meanwhile, Heero and Duo were busy with whatever Trowa hadn't filled. They were turning
Wufei's stomach into the largest banana split in history, piling ice cream and toppings on high.
"And this..." Heero stuck a cherry on the highest pile of whipped cream... "Is for my
CHEETOES!"

"And the finishing touch..." Duo took the last cherry in the jar, and placed it on his nose. Heero
and Trowa stood back and clapped.

The noise woke up Wufei. "Huh... Nanii?" He looked around fuzzily. "How come it's so cold in
here..." Just then, some of the chocolate syrup on his face slid down into his eyes. "Nan da?" He
managed to get his head up. His eyes widened. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" He tried to get up,
but discovered that all the hardened syrup and various foods had both paralyzed him and glued
him to the floor.

"Who wants dessert?" Duo pulled out a large, familiar looking weapon. Aiming the katana at
Wufei's face, as if he were to cut a cake, Duo began to lower it.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Duo held up the cherry for all to see, impaled on the katana's point. He hadn't even grazed
Wufei's skin. "Shimatta! I missed!" Duo exclaimed.

Heero and Trowa headed for the stairs. "You guys aren't going to leave me here... are you?"

"Iie."

They reappeared a few seconds later with knives and forks of their own. "Dig in! I get dibs on
the eyes!" Duo yelled.

"GUYS!" Quatre screamed. He covered his eyes. "I can't look..."

"Don't worry Qua-chan, we'll save you the neck."

Quatre uncovered his eyes long enough to scream, "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!"

***

"Is he still down there?"

"Yup."

"All that syrup and stuff must make it hard to move..."

"Qua-chan still trying to unstick him from the floor?"

"Shh..." Heero held a finger to his lips. "Listen."

"Winner, you baka, not so close!"

"Gomen, Wu-chan, but I've got to get the knife kinda close if I'm going to get you out of here..."

"WINNER!"

The three troublemakers doubled over in silent laughter. "Hey." Trowa looked down over the rail
again. "Only one problem."

"Nan desu ka?" Duo looked quizzically at him.

"I'm not cleaning it up."

"Well, I'm not," Heero put in.

"Hey, the God of Death does not clean!"

They all looked at each other. "Quatre can do it," they said at the same time.

"Hey! I'm not a part of this!" came the indignant scream from down below.

"Then it's settled. Qua-chan can." Duo said. "And I have an idea..."

"Nan desu ka?"

"Let's go somewhere else."

***

Up in Duo's bedroom, directly above the room that the "incident" happened in, Duo pulled back a
rug. "Earlier I did this, by... heh heh... accident..." He revealed a giant hole in the floor. "I
figure that we can use this to our advantage."

"I've got water balloons..." Trowa whispered.

"Okay... and since Quatre ruined all our fun, don't miss him," Duo whispered back. Each taking
a water balloon, they chose their ammo, and filled them. Trowa chose whipped cream, Duo
Cheez Whiz, and Heero orange soda. They each filled a third of the balloons, but there was one
left.

"MINE!" Trowa yelled.

"Tro-chan?!" Duo was surprised at this sudden outburst. Trowa proceeded to fill *his* water
balloon with anything and everything he could reach. Gummie bears, Cheez Whiz, soda, cookie
crumbs, etc.

"Okay... everyone ready?"

"Hai."

They aimed their balloons, and dropped. First to land was one of Heero's, drenching everything.
Everyone dropped as many as possible, and quickly ran out, all except Trowa, who was pacing
himself, waiting for the right time to drop each one, to get the most out of it. Finally he was
down to "the nuke". The balloon was so big (he got the extra *extra* large kind) that Duo and
Heero had to help him with it. The hole was just the right size for it.

BOOM!

The room below was soon covered in junk food of all sorts, and both Quatre and Wufei were
now plastered to the walls. The shock from the impact had ripped Wufei from the floor. "Direct
hit! You sunk their battle ship, Trowa-chan."

"Mission complete."

"Boom."

***

Quatre had refused to clean up the leftovers of the war, and Wufei was still trying to pry himself
out of the wall, so Duo, Trowa, and Heero were left to clean up the mess.

"That was *definitely* worth it!" Duo shouted. "The look on Wu-chan's face..."

Heero just glared.

Trowa still had a psychotic grin pasted to his face, despite all he'd done to remove it. He had
even tried eating the "homemade snack bars" that Relena had packed for Heero (and that Wufei
had tried to eat many times on the trip, but the rest of the guys figured that letting him have them
was "cruel and inhumane punishment", and they didn't want to hear his screams of "Injustice!"
all the way there). Trowa had had to soak the inedible food in hot water for an hour just so he
could bite through the "frosting", but that had just permanently plastered the smile in place, and
had even made the grin even more psycho(if that was even possible)

"Hey guys..." Duo whispered.

"Nanii?" Heero asked.

"I just had the best idea... Practical joke days..."

"Nanii?!" Came the reply yet again.

"We're gonna be here for a while, ne?"

"Hai!"

"So every day that we're here, we have a day of practical jokes on those two... Tomorrow would
be Quatre, then Wufei, then Quatre, and so on and so on. We try to do as many jokes as we can
on them each day, and our goal is to make them go psychotic by the end of the day. Sound fun?"

"Hai!" both the others whispered.

Little did they know, Duo was planning on not only having practical joke days on Wufei and
Quatre, but also on them.

Splat!

"What was that for?!" Duo yelled, picking the dripping ice cream out of his hair.

"You're planning something..." Heero said, calmly.

***

It took them nearly all day to both clean up the mess, and to pull Wufei out of the hole in the
wall, and patch up the Wufei-shaped dent he had left. Wufei found them looking exhaustedly at
the half-cleaned room.

<A.N.> Shinimegami: What, do you expect them to completely clean it?! More than likely
they'd just hide it all under the furniture.

"You call yourselves otokos?! Look at this mess! You can't even handle a small mess!!"

"Urusai Wu-chan. You sound like Relena."

"That *weak* onna!? You're the ones that sound like weak onnas, whining for help on the mess
you've created, too weak to fend for yourselves... feh." He was assaulted by every piece of food
in the room that they could get their hands on, which included some furniture.

"HEY!" Quatre came running in, "You're supposed to be working, not assaulting poor Wufei..."

He was interrupted by Wufei. "I don't need your help, Winner!"

"See. Wufei's got a tummy-ache, and is in a bad mood, and here you guys are torturing him!"

"I DO NOT HAVE A "TUMMY-ACHE!!!!"

"Wufei! You didn't take your medication did you?" Duo commented.

"What medication?!"

"The one for you hemorrhoids, baka."

"No wonder he's always in such a bad mood..."Heero said.

"That medication is for weak onnas like Peacecraft... and besides... I DO NOT HAVE
HEMMORHOIDS!!!!"

"You mean Peace*crap*..." Heero muttered, staring at his gun, imagining himself using it on
Relena, making his dream of world sanity come true.

***

"OK..." Duo sat on his bed and looked around at Heero, Trowa, and Wufei. "Tomorrow, we're
going to pick on Quatre. Any ideas?"

Silence.

Then Trowa held up a small package. "As long as we don't hurt him... we can use this."

"Nan desu ka?" Duo looked curiously at the packet.

"A little something I picked up in the health section of the grocery store... triple-strength
ginseng."

"Perfect." Duo grinned. "And while we're at it... there's something I just *happened* to have
brought along..." He lifted the covers to his bed and pulled something out.

Heero shook his head. "Only you, Duo. Only you."

***

The next morning, Duo, Heero, Wufei, and Trowa were up before dawn, the only time that they
could be sure that Quatre wouldn't already be up and around. "Why'd we have to get up at this
unkami like hour?" Duo asked.

"We have to cook Quatre's special breakfast... Don't you remember?"

"It's 4 in the morning... or is that a 6? I don't even know who Shinigami is... By the way... who*
is* Shinigami?"

"You, Duo..." Heero said with a sigh.

"Who's Duo?"

Trowa was in charge of the cooking, while the rest of them prepared for the rest of the plan.
They were in Duo's room, talking in hushed voices. "You know what to do?" Duo pulled the
oversized scythe out form under the bed again.

"Not that again Maxwell. You showed it to us last night! "Wufei complained.

"One more word, Wu-chan, and the star of the show's gonna be you."

Wufei clamped his mouth shut so fast, that his tongue got in the way, and he bit down on it,
barely suppressing the scream of pain. "Look, it's 6 already. Winner should be getting up right
now."

"Wu-chan... what did I just tell you about talking?"

Suddenly they heard a familiar voice yawn, and start saying his good mornings. "Ohayo!" They
could barely hear through the wall.

"Who's he talking to?" Duo asked.

"I trust you had a nice sleep last night, Mr. Snuggles..."

Laughter filled Duo's room.

"I thoug- I thought that I *laugh* got rid of Mr. *snork* Snuggles..." Wufei said.

Heero was trying to keep a straight face. "He's back from the dead..."

"With a shaved head..." Duo just had to add a little.

"I guess we'd better go down there," Wufei said.

"Uh uh uh! You're forgetting something." Duo pulled open his drawer, to reveal ten identical
sets of his outfit. "We have to dress alike, in black..."

***

It had taken quite a while to force Wufei into his outfit, and to blackmail him into not
complaining about it. When they got down stairs, the table was set with a beautiful breakfast,
including everything from orange juice to chocolate cake. Quatre's spot was set up nicely, with
the nice paper cups and plates at his spot, and the Taco Bell forks, instead of the falling apart
ones from some unknown restaurant. The cake and orange juice were in front of his spot.
Everyone sat down, quietly, not making a sound, and being as stiff as possible.

"Hey, what's with all the food?" Quatre asked.

Trowa came in, dressed just like the rest, and answered in a monotonous voice. "It's for you..."
He sat down, and began to pile food upon Quatre's plate. "Eat up..." The rest of the G-boys were
eating something that vaguely resembled raw meat. Duo marveled at Trowa's cooking skills,
making the shortcake bread look like raw beef. He took a bite, and realized it even tasted like it,
but he knew it wasn't (Trowa had explained it all to them earlier).

Quatre stared, not even noticing that his plate of food was growing faster and faster. He looked
down, and realized how hungry he really was (The other G-boys had stolen his stash of food in
his room). He began to eat what was on his plate, not realizing that it tasted just a little strange.
He ate every bite of it, except the slice of cake. "It's not healthy to eat junk food in the morning."


"Quatre, I worked on it especially for you."

Quatre stared longingly at the chocolate cake, then finally decided, "Fine..." Wufei cut a piece
for him, and then one for himself. Wufei began to eat, making sure that Quatre and the others
didn't see, by hiding it under the table when they looked. Finally everyone cleaned up, having
not really had a conversation. Wufei was stuffed from all the food he had eaten.

***

A few hours went by, and Quatre started to act strangely. He was getting bouncy, and skittish,
jumping at the least sound. Everyone locked him in his room, while they said they "prepared"
for "something". The second he entered his room he looked over to his bed. Mr. Snuggles was
gone.

***

It was 11 o' clock when the door was unlocked. Quatre was clinging to his bedpost, from which
he had dangled several pairs of dirty underwear, shaking the post frantically and screaming, "I
know who killed Mr. Snuggles! It was Colonel Wufei with the spoon in the sanctuary!"

He stared at the figures entering the room. They were two figures, all dressed in black robes. "I
know who you are! YOU'RE ONE OF BARNEY'S EVIL HENCHMEN, AND YOU'RE ..."
Quatre stopped. He screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! A
FUUUUUUUUUUUURBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!" He began to hop
around the room, trying to get away from the "furby". He began to yell insanely. "I am Mr.
Satan! I am the most powerful fighter in the universe! Bow before my might!"

He leaped at the first figure, who ducked, and landed on the second, forcing it to its knees.
"Hahahahahaha!" Quatre laughed insanely. "Begone, evildoers! I shall return with my Fork of
Death, and you shall know the True Meaning of Fear!"

The first figure sweatdropped. "Just how much EXACTLY did we give him?" The second figure
shrugged. The first figure picked Quatre up by one arm, while the other grabbed the other arm.
They dragged him kicking and screaming into the main room.

"I AM KAMI! I AM KAMI! YOU DARE TREAT YOUR KAMI THIS WAY!" He began
digging through the nearest figure's cloak. "Thank you for your money!" He proudly held up a
penny, then began ranting again. "KAMI SAYS THAT YOU MUST PAY FOR MR.
SQUEAKY!"

The nearest cloaked figure went into another room, and brought out 2 similarly robed figures.
They all removed their hoods at once, revealing the faces of Trowa, Heero, Duo and Wufei, their
faces pale with blood dripping down them. "I WAS RIGHT! I WAS RIGHT! IT WAS TRIEZE
DISGUISED AS MR. SQUEAKY IN THE BATHROOM WITH RELENA!"

Suddenly Wufei pulled a familiar looking teddy bear, wearing a long white robe, out of his robes.


"MR. SNUGGLES!!! HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN?!! I
THOUGHT YOU LEARNED FROM THE LAST TIME!!! COLONEL WUFEI HAS
CORRUPTED MR. SNUGGLES!!"

Wufei held the bear high above his head, and screamed "WE ARE ALL WEAK OTOKOS,
PLEASE FORGIVE US FOR THIS!!! FOR FORGIVENESS WE SHALL SACRIFICE THIS
MR. SQUEAKY!"

"Umm... that wasn't Wu-chan's line..."

"ERMM... MR. SNUGGLES WE MEAN! WE ARE THE GREAT KAMI WUFEI, AND ALL
THIS WE PROCLAIM!"

"Are you sure that Wu-chan didn't get ahold of some of that food?"

"COLONEL WUFEI!!! YOU CANNOT SACRIFICE MR. SNUGGLES!!! I AM THE GREAT
GRAND POOBAH KAMI, NOT YOU!"

"YOU ARE A WEAK ONNA GREAT GRAND POOBAH KAMI, WE ARE THE GREAT
GRAND POOBAH STRONG OTOKO KAMI!!"

"Did he just say Poobah?" Duo whispered to Heero.

Heero sweatdropped. "Uh huh."

Wufei and Quatre went on like this for quite a while, until finally Duo and Trowa had to scrape
them both off the ceiling with a spatula. Duo grabbed Mr. Snuggles from Wufei, and yelled
"Let the sacrifice begin!"

Heero left the room, and soon came back with a pillow in hand. Duo's scythe, wrapped in cloth,
was lying on top of this. Heero held the pillow out ceremoniously.

Duo accepted the scythe, and dipped it into a bowl of what appeared to be oil. He lit this on fire,
and used it to catch a pile of stuffed animals in the fireplace on fire. He put out the fire on his
scythe by dousing it in what looked like blood.

"DON'T HURT MR. SNUGGLES!" Quatre screamed, horrified.

"There must be a sacrifice..." Trowa said monotonously.

Duo sliced the bear's throat, and threw it into the fireplace. There was a terrible screaming as the
bear burned, and as Quatre fought against Heero and Trowa, biting and scratching at their faces.
"WHAT DID MR. SNUGGLES EVER DO TO YOU?!"

"There had to be a sacrifice to the great Shinimegami and the Tenshi Senshi."

"YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE A SACRIFICE TO THAT WEAK ONNA!!!"

<A.N.> Two girls, one with floor-length silver hair and one with long black hair with a couple
braids in it appear, bonk Wufei on the head with a moon staff and a death glaive, then disappear

Duo proceeded to duct tape Wufei's mouth shut and tie him to the table. "This one will be the
next to be sacrificed." He lifted the scythe high, and was stopped by a cloud of smoke in the
corner of the room.

A silver-haired girl with bat-like wings stood in the room. "Hey!" she shouted furiously. "That's
not how it's supposed to happen!"

Duo pouted but set Wufei over in another corner. "Oh, fine. But you're no fun." He did a double
take. "Hey! Now do your part!"

The silver-haired girl sighed, rolling her eyes, which were also silver. "Fine, fine. The great
Goddess of Death has demanded a sacrifice, blah blah blah, she wants a clown boy." She then
disappeared.

"Now where are we gonna get a clown boy?" He stared at all the members there, noticing the
fact that Quatre was beginning to sober up. The blonde boy now stood in front of the suicidal
clown, whimpering, and muttering something about not taking his new "Mr. Snuggles".

Another poof of smoke, and this time a black-haired girl with a thin silver coronet on her
forehead appeared. "Snap out of it!" she yelled, and slapped Quatre. "You're ruining our 'fic!"

Quatre blinked. "Huh... wha?"

The black-haired girl made as if to disappear, then remembered something. "Oh yeah, my lines.
When you're done with Clown Boy over there, send Blondie along too. I need to complete my
set." She moved as if to go again, then stopped once more. "And I wouldn't say no to the cutie
over there, either." She winked at Duo, then disappeared.

"You heard her...." Heero said.

Suddenly the silver-haired one appeared again.

"How are we supposed to sacrifice *anyone* if you keep interrupting?!"

"Just one more thing... I... I mean the Goddess of Death wants that hottie... I mean... Spandex
Boy over there..." She blushed, then disappeared, leaving words hanging on the air. "I'll leave
you to get back to your sacrificing now..."

The 'now' fell out of the air and hit the tied Wufei on the head. "Ow..."

***

"OK, now that we've got the nosy fanfic writers out of the way... err... I mean... the wonderful
Goddess of Death and Angel of Chaos... we can get back to what we were doing." Duo and
Heero moved to grab Trowa.

Quatre stood in their way, now fully recovered from the effects of the ginseng, thanks to
Shinimegami's timely intervention. "No!" he sobbed. "Don't take my Trowy-chan!"

Trowa put a mock-sad look on his face. "The goddess of death has demanded it, Qua-chan. I
must obey."

"Trowa?" Quatre stared at him. "No, don't go! "Sobbing once more, he glomped Trowa around
the waist.

Trowa gently detached Quatre from himself. "The Goddess has demanded it. I must go." He
allowed Heero and Duo to grab each of his arms.

<A.N.> Shinimegami and Konran no Tenshi: Finally, they're doing it right.
Konran no Tenshi: *sigh* You don't suppose they'll ACTUALLY sacrifice Heero-chan, do you?

"Waaaaaaah!" Quatre sobbed as he watched Trowa being tied up. Trowa willingly lay down on
the coffee table.

Heero lit candles around Trowa's body, chanting gibberish, while Duo polished his scythe and
dipped it in the bowl of blood.

"Stoooooooop!" Quatre ran over and tried to grab the scythe from Duo, but he just got tossed into
the couch for his troubles. Heero dumped Wufei on top of him to hold him still.

Wufei made sounds through his gag sounding suspiciously like, "We are Kami, bow before us."

Duo lowered the scythe...

"AAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

It wasn't Trowa screaming, as might be suspected. Quatre clamped his eyes shut and yelled at the
top of his lungs.

Wufei took one look at the screaming blonde, and kissed him on the lips right through the tape.

Quatre stopped screaming at once, and lay stiff as a board on the couch, not moving, eyes staring
straight ahead, alarmingly glassy.

Duo brought the scythe down, the blood running all over Trowa, then, seeing that nobody was
watching him, threw the scythe off into a corner, splattering ketchup everywhere. "Ahh,
shimatta!"

They untied Trowa, and crowded around the catatonic Quatre.

"Qua-chan?" Trowa slapped his face lightly. "Qua-chan, wake up!"

Heero, against his better judgment, untied Wufei and took off his gag. "What did you go and do
that for?" he asked.

Wufei wasn't listening. He took off running, leaping through the cabin, singing at the top of his
lungs, "OOOOOHHH, WE WISH WE WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER..."

***

It was morning the next day, and the effects of the ginseng *still* hadn't worn off Wufei. He was
beginning to annoy everyone, making it impossible to decide what they were gonna do to torture
him.

"I say we move it to tomorrow." Heero said maliciously. "He can't go crazy when he's already
that way!"

Duo looked up from re-polishing his scythe. "How about we have a food-olympics until Wu-
chan sobers up? I don't think we'll have the luck we had with Quatre, with Shinimegami and
Konran no Tenshi popping in and sobering him up for us, especially considering who it is."

"Speaking of Konran no Tenshi...." Heero just stared into space, a dazed look on his face.

"Same here buddy, but not with Konran no Tenshi... That Shinimegami is *hot*!" Duo got a
similarly dazed look on his face.

Wufei suddenly ran up to Duo and Heero, and began to spank them on the rear. "Naughty boys!
Naughty!" he said in a *very* fake-sounding British accent. He then ran off to torture the rest of
the G-boys.

Duo snapped out of his little hentai day dream. "Anyways..." He popped Heero's dream bubble
with his index finger, raising his eyebrows at the contents. "HEERO!"

Heero blushed.

"Anyways, she's a goddess of death, and I'm only a lowly god of death..."

<A.N.> Shinimegami: I don't think you're lowly... Duo
Konran no Tenshi: *sigh* Isn't Heero cute when he blushes?
Shinimegami: *bonks her on the head with Death Glaive* Get back to your writing, and leave
the hentai daydreams to me!
Konran no Tenshi: *pouts* Yes, Shinimegami-sama.

"So... how about it? An Olympics of a sort... but with food contests, not athletics."

"I'm in if Konran-" Heero was yet again assaulted by Wufei. He ran from the ginseng-drunken
Chinese pilot, Duo laughing in the background.

"C'mere, you weak... yet incredibly sexy... otoko!" Wufei yelled after the fleeing Perfect
Soldier.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Heero screamed. "Can't I imagine about me n'
Konran-chan in peace?!"

***

"And first up is Quatre in the "drink a bathtub full of mixed sodapop as quick as you can"
contest. And challenging him is the iron stomach, DUO, THE ALMIGHTY SHINIGAMI!" Duo
screamed into the mike of the karaoke machine they had found for some unknown (and probably
better left that way) reason in Wufei's room.

Heero and Trowa each marched out a bathtub-sized barrel, and, a few seconds later, came out
dragging a large crate of 2-liters behind them. As they ceremoniously uncapped each bottle and
dumped it in the barrel, Duo and Quatre both prepared to compete in this first contest.

"Now, if I win, I *do* get Mr. Snuggles back, right?" Quatre pleaded. They'd managed to
convince him that all of the past night was a bad dream, but they'd kept Mr. Snuggles as
incentive to play the games.

<A.N.> Shinimegami: No actual Mr. Snuggles were harmed in the writing of this 'fic.
Konran no Tenshi: You see, the G-boys had used a decoy bear in the burning, sent by Relena.
*tenses up and begins to hiss* Moechae...
Shinimegami: Calm down, we've still got another 20 or so pages to write.

"Uh huh." Duo smirked. "But you're challenging the wrong person, buddy!"

Heero and Trowa both finished and stood next to their respective barrels. Duo and Quatre each
stood by one of the barrels. Heero handed Duo a straw, as Trowa handed one to Quatre. "Now
remember... we want a clean contest," Heero intoned. "No spitting drinks at each other..."

Duo pouted.

"No spitting drinks on the floor, all of it has to be in your stomach. First one to empty their barrel
wins." Heero handed Trowa a large mallet..

"On your marks, get set, GO!" On the last part, Trowa had heaved the mallet as high into the air
as possible, and let it fall, clubbing Wufei on the head as he skipped by.

"WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZ- ooh... pretty colors..." Wufei passed out. They were off.

Quatre stared dubiously into his barrel, then closed his eyes and took a big gulp through his
straw. He came up gasping for air. "Ugh! What *is* this stuff?"

"Keep drinking!" Trowa told him. He recited to Quatre's bent head, "Pepsi, Coke, Sprite, 7Up,
orange, grape, root beer, cream soda, raspberry, and Jolt."

"You didn't mention the salsa we threw in at the bottom," Heero muttered to Trowa.

"I thought it best not to... especially the fact that Relena made it."

"Good point."

Duo had dived right into the barrel, ignoring his straw, and about now all you could see of him
was from the hips down. Everything else was buried in the barrel. Loud slurping sounds emitted
from the barrel.

"You okay in there, Duo?" Heero asked.

"Fine, *slurp*, just *snorgle* fine," came the answer back.

"Good," Heero replied. "He hasn't found the salsa *yet*"

Suddenly Duo came up, screaming. "YUCK!"

Quatre looked up. "What's wrong Duo?"

"There's something down there!"

"Something?" Quatre stared nervously into his barrel, as if something would leap out and bite
him in the face at any moment.

Heero and Trowa struggled to keep from laughing. "Drink up, guys," they said.

Duo set his face in a look of determination. "I'm going to win this contest if it's the last thing I
do!" he said. "I want my scythe back!"

<A.N.> Konran no Tenshi: It may very well be the last thing he does, if that salsa was made by
*grrr* Relena...

"Told you it was a good idea to take it away," Trowa muttered to Heero.

Duo dived into the barrel once more, various sounds of disgust floating up to the listeners above.
Quatre grimaced, but stuck his straw back into the barrel and continued sucking.

***

"Oh man..." Duo lay on the couch moaning. "That was *not* such a good idea..."

Heero walked by with something long and sharp in his hands. "Here's your prize."

Duo sat up, instantly cured. "My scythe!" He clutched it to his chest as if it were a teddy bear,
making small happy noises. "I'll never let you go again... my poor baby, what did they do to you?
It must have been awful..." He noticed the others staring at him and grinned sheepishly. "Uhh...
next game!"

***

"Aaaaand now..." Duo was manning the mike again. "We have Trowa and Heero in the "eat as
many sour things as you can at once without making a face" contest! In this contest, the
contestants will be forced to eat the *entire* lunch that Relena packed for us, with sour things
added to mask most of the taste, and whomever eats the most without making a face, or just
whomever eats the most fastest, wins!"

"Twowy, pwease win! Quatwa wanna Mista Snuggles back!" Quatre had tried for the runner up
prize, and eventually drank all they way to the salsa, which had made him absolutely cutesy and
kawaii, or in other words, Chibi(or Super Deformed, whichever you prefer). "Quatwa wanna
Mista Snuggles!" Trowa tried to drown out the whimpering. Heero began to mutter something
about getting his gun back.

Wufei ran by, trailing toilet paper that was taped to his arms like streamers. "You must
SWAAAAAY like the lotus flower!" He waved his arms over Duo, draping his head in toilet
paper. "Be CAAAAAALM, be RELAAAAAAXED."

Duo sighed and picked bits of toilet paper out of his braid. He looked at one particularly large
piece, and screamed. "Aaaagh! Wufei! What IS that?"

Wufei grinned and squirted Duo with the bottle of chocolate syrup he'd been holding, then ran
off, screaming something about Big Bird and "mices".

Duo sighed yet again and wiped the chocolate syrup off with a wad of the toilet paper gifted him
by Wufei. "Anyways... like I was saying..."

Quatre appeared dressed in a biohazard suit, carrying five paper bags with metal tongs, holding
them as far away from his body as possible. He dropped them on the table in front of Trowa and
Heero and backed away. Duo carried over to the table a backpack and dumped the contents out
on the table also. Warheads, sour gummie worms, Crybabies, and the like. "You can use as much
of this stuff as you want to get rid of the *shudder* taste," he told them. "But don't fill up... you'll
spoil your dinner." He grinned and backed away also.
Heero dived in, holding his nose to protect himself from the horrid stench. Trowa glared at it,
and eventually sneaked a hand out toward the foul grey-green fuzzy glop. Heero kept eating,
barely supressing the urge to vomit. Trowa kept a steady, but slow pace, inspecting each piece
carefully.

Wufei ran by, belting out the lyrics to "Ironic" by Alanis Morisette, while proudly holding forth a
picture of Relena. It appeared to have lipstick on the glass.

<A.N. Shinimegami: Ironically it was the same as the purple that Wufei was currently wearing,
and matched perfectly with his eyeliner, blush and new extremely long, curled fake eyelashes.

Konran: *cringes* Ohhhh, the humanity...>

"Hey?! Where'd Wufei get that?!" Quatre screamed.

A extra-large economy-sized sweatdrop appeared by Duo's head, as Heero choked on something
strange and chartreuse, and Trowa kept on eating, blocking the evil sights and sounds from his
head. Quatre winced as Wufei tried to hit a high note, and failed terribly.

"A little TOOOOOOOOOO ironic..."

Heero finally broke down and grabbed a nearby roll of duct tape, pulled a piece over Wufei's
mouth, wrapped his hands, and tied his feet. Duo opened the closet, and they both shoved him
inside, Wufei having changed to humming "Man I Feel Like a Woman". They slammed the door
on him, which didn't seem to quite drown him out.

They turned back around, only to witness Trowa finishing off the last of his portion of the toxic
sludge.

"Trowa won?" Duo gasped.

Unnoticed, the stuff on Heero's side of the table began to wiggle.

"I think that he must have shoved it under the table." Heero whispered to Quatre. They both
went over to investigate.

The "creature" on Heero's side of the table reached a pseudopod around Quatre's neck, and began
to strangle the blonde pilot.

"Give us back our brother... Or this one dies..." The greenish creature heaved.

"Trowa! Regurgitate the food!" Quatre yelled.

"I can't! It was bad enough going down..." Trowa mouthed to Quatre.

"Give our brother back now!!!"

*Blam* Heero pulled his gun out from spandex space, and blew the creature away.

"Heero, you saved me! My hero!" Quatre wailed.

"Quatre, I'm not your *anything*," Heero muttered.

"The winner!" Duo yelled.

"Where?" Quatre looked around hoping not to see any of his sisters.

"Heero wins by saving the damsel in distress... And getting Wufei to shut up!"

"What dress?" Quatre looked at himself.

"I did all that for nothing?" Trowa asked.

***

"Who is that? INJUSTICE! INTRUDER IN MY HOUSE!"

Quatre yelped at the loud voice right behind him. He turned to see Wufei standing behind him.
"Intruder? What do you mean? It's me, Quatre!"

Wufei gave him one of Heero's patented death glares he'd stolen earlier when Heero wasn't
looking. Uncharacteristically, Quatre handed it back. "No thank you, I had one already today."

Wufei ignored him. "Well, Quatre - if that's your real name - then how do you explain *this*?"
He held up one hand, on which rested a sock puppet with blonde hair and impossibly wide green
eyes. "See? Quatre is right HERE! So how can you be Quatre?"

Quatre sweatdropped.

Wufei held up his other hand, on which rested another sock puppet, one with brown pipe cleaners
glued onto its head so as to resemble hair. "What do you think, Trowie? What should we do to
him?"

"Hmm..." Wufei spoke for the puppet in a high squeaky voice, as if he were on helium. "I know!
Let's all take our socks off and have an orgy!!"

Quatre's sweatdrop got even larger.

Wufei quickly switched his Quatre-puppet for a Heero-puppet. "Hn..."

Quatre stared at Wufei. "Exactly *how* did you get out of the closet?"

Wufei switched his Trowa puppet for a Wufei puppet. He spoke in a deep, booming voice for it.
"NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A WARLOCK... ESPECIALLY WHEN HE
HAS THE KEY IN HIS NATAKU-SPACE!!!"

The Heero-puppet glared at the Wufei-puppet. "Omae o korosu!" It pulled out a handgun, stolen
off one of Duo's GI Joe figures, and aimed it at the Wufei-puppet.

"I AM KAMI!!! YOU CAN NOT KILL ME WITH SUCH AN INSIGNIFICANT
WEAPON!!!" The Wufei puppet pulled out a scale Nataku, and climbed in. "YOU SHALL DIE
FOR DISOBEYING KAMI!!!" Suddenly on another hand...

<A.N. Shinimegami: How disturbing, Wufei grew another hand? Maybe he just pulled it out of
Nataku space? How much stuff *does* he have in there?>

...appeared a puppet with an impossibly long yarn-braid. The Duo-puppet pulled out a
Deathscythe, and charged at the Nataku. Nataku snapped the scythe in half, and the Deathscythe
stood there moping. "I SAID THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DEFEAT ME!!! NOT
EVEN WHEN YOU GOT YOUR BUDDY OUT!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Quatre snapped. He ran screaming out of the kitchen. "MINNAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
HEEEEELLLLP!"


***