Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Dying Note ❯ Dying Note ( Chapter 1 )

Dying Note

By: Lady DeathAngel

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of the characters contained within this fic so don't sue me. It's not like you'd get anything interesting anyway.

Warnings: Major language and a yaoi lime scene. So if you aren't old enough or mature enough to handle this, don't read it. It's also pretty angsty, so if you're in the mood for a load of laughs, you probably won't get them here. ^.^;

A/N: Well, I reread my story and decided to do a little bit of editing and stuff. So, hopefully the lime scene is better and the flow of the story is better too. BTW, the poem at the beginning is mine, so if you want to use it ask first please. ^.^ As always, please read, enjoy, and review!

Love is a symphony.

A raging cacophony of sound.

Love is a rhapsody.

A siren's luring song.

But when the symphony ends,

And the rhapsody has ceased to exist,

All that you're left with is the bittersweet memory of

A feeling that infused you for a brief moment,

And the taunting echo in your ear . . .

The echo of a dying note.

~*~

Duo Maxwell stared down at the beer bottle in his hand and swilled the amber liquid around for a moment before looking up at the woman sitting across from him on the wide window seat in her bedroom.

She was staring out at the dark sky, wincing every so often as a bright, white jagged streak of lightning pierced the darkness.

"God I hate thunderstorms." She muttered, taking a swig from her own bottle. "It gets so dark and it looks so desolate and empty out there."

Duo didn't say anything, he just hn'ed.

"Jeez, you even sound like him now." She said drily.

She leaned her back against the wall beside the window.

"How long are you going to keep doing this Duo?" She asked softly, turning her head toward him. "How can you live like this?"

Duo opened his mouth to reply, but couldn't think of the right answer. He shook his head.

"I don't know." He said.

"You deserve it you know." She said.

He nodded. "Yeah. I know."

~*~

Duo supposed, no, he *knew*, he'd been asking for it. Getting involved with Heero was definitely not one of the smartest moves he'd made. Thinking back, Duo wondered if maybe he'd have been better off putting a bullet in his head the first time he'd met him. Of course that wouldn't have done anyone any good in the long run, but it would have saved Duo a lot of trouble.

Duo couldn't exactly say he regretted what had happened between them. Sure it had been nothing but a shitload of stress and heartache in the end, but early on it had all been a big adventure, one that Duo had tackled with much delight.

The first time he realized that what he felt for Heero was more than just platonic feelings of love or like was just a year after the Mariemaia incident.

Duo, Heero, Trowa, Wufei, Sally, Catherine, Relena, and Hilde had all been invited spend Christmas at a private ski resort owned by Quatre. All of them had shown up, but Duo had only really anticipated seeing one of them again.

It had been strange the way his pulse had quickened at the thought of seeing Heero again. Even Hilde had noticed that he was acting strangely. When she had asked him about it, he'd passed it off as the fear that the stony faced young man would pull something stupid and try to shoot somebody, but he'd known better and judging by the strange looks she kept shooting in his direction, so had she.

The moment he'd seen Heero again for the first time in nearly a year, he'd known that his feelings had escalated way past the realm of the friendly into the land of the besotted. And the feelings seeing the other young man had elicited, the sweaty palms, jumping stomach, and flipping heart had nearly scared Duo to death.

This was because he had always assumed that he'd end up with Hilde. It wasn't as if they were dating. Hell, she'd never even hinted at being in love with him before. Still, after half a year spent living with and working for her, he'd realized that both of them were warming up to each other in a way that hinted vaguely that something more than friendship was developing.

Unfortunately, both Duo and Hilde had admitted long ago to a fear of commitment and rejection, so neither said anything. Duo still assumed that Hilde was his lifemate though. After all, he hadn't met anyone he was as compatible with, and the last person Duo ever expected to fall for was his polar opposite.

But that was exactly what had happened. And all through the week long visit at Quatre's house Duo fought off his feelings. Until a late night after too much to drink led to revelations and then a kiss. And that kiss led to another, and another, and the next thing Duo knew, he was waking up to the sun kissing his face with Heero's sleeping body next to his.

He'd thought it was all a dream. He would never, in a million years have expected to find himself sleeping next to Heero. Sure during the past four days he'd fantasized about sleeping *with* him, but only from the standpoint of sex. He never thought he'd actually wake up with Heero being the first person he saw.

But instead of overanalyzing it, or jumping out of the bed and leaving like he thought was the best thing to do, he just grabbed the end of his braid and used it to caress Heero's cheek.

"Come on Heero, wake up." He had whispered into his ear.

Heero stirred but didn't open his eyes, although his lips did quirk upward in a vague smile.

"If you want to be the one to wake me up in the morning Duo," he said. "You're going to have to think of a better way to go about it."

"Oh yeah?" Duo asked.

He didn't wait for Heero to answer. Instead he just leaned down and pressed his lips against Heero's. His newfound lover's small gasp of what could have been pleasant surprise or just plain pleasure spurned Duo on, and his tongue teased the seam of his lips, coaxing him into parting them. Heero responded as Duo hoped he would, caressing his tongue with his own. The sensual kiss was in itself enough to make both of them painfully hard, and Duo groaned from deep within his throat as Heero sucked his tongue into his mouth.

Heero fought down a groan of his own as he felt lightly calloused fingertips skim over the sensitive skin of his stomach. Duo was drawing obscure patterns on his abdomen, his fingers dancing in ever-widening circles, eventually getting close to brushing his erection, but never quite touching. It was driving him mad, and he was almost desperate enough to start moaning aloud. He drew in a deep breath as Duo's lips broke their connection with his and moved over his jaw and down his throat and over his chest in a series of moist kisses and the occasional flick of his tongue.

Heero couldn't hold back a moan when Duo's hand finally closed around him. He flicked his tongue into the small hollow of his bellybutton, a strangely arousing action, and continued his trek south. He jerked and let out his breath on a hiss as Duo squeezed him gently, and he nearly bucked off of the bed as he felt Duo's mouth close around him after a few seconds of teasing him by blowing on him and licking him swift laps.

Duo grinned to himself and swirled his tongue around the tip of Heero's cock teasingly, before engulfing him completely in his mouth, sucking and licking. He knew he was driving Heero insane, making him lose control. And that power, the power he had to make the Perfect Soldier squirm and moan, was almost as much of an aphrodisiac as the feel of Heero's hands in his hair, urging him to take him deeper. He could hear his breath becoming increasingly staccato, his moans escalating, and he knew his release was near. But his actions were put to a stop when a small gasp, very much unlike the sounds Heero was making, alerted them to the presence of another.

Duo and Heero both sat up quickly in a flurry of sheets, the movement pushing Duo toward and then over the edge of the bed. He landed with a groan and glanced over the top of the bed just in time to see Hilde closing the door and then locking it.

She turned back around, wide eyed, her cheeks flushed. But while Duo thought it was from embarrassment, it was really from anger.

"God, no wonder you didn't hear me knocking and yelling for you, Duo! You were just a little preoccupied."

"What time is it?" Duo asked.

"It's half past six and while everyone was getting up and ready for a day of skiing, Relena and I were stuck with the job of waking you two horny sons of bitches up!"

Duo grimaced. "Relena's trying to wake Heero up?" He asked.

Hilde nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. "Yep. Too bad it's all in vain, though." She shook her head. "Jeez I hope nobody else puts two and two together when she goes running down to the living room looking for you."

"How did you get in here?" Heero asked, his cheeks still slightly flushed.

Hilde raised an eyebrow. "Obviously you were too caught up in the moment to lock your door."

She rubbed a hand over her eyes. "God I thought I was just going to waltz in here, yell at Duo to get his lazy ass up and out of bed, and then go down and join the others, not find him giving head to another guy."

She shook her head again before glaring daggers at the two figures in the bed. "You two are fucking *lucky* it was me who found you and not someone else. Especially not Relena."

She started to gather up their clothes, tossing them to their owners.

"So you won't tell?" Duo asked.

She sighed. "Of course I won't tell. What you two want to do with each other in the dead of night or the light of morning or whenever, it's none of my business. I do wish, though, that you would do this when there isn't a chance of anyone else finding you. It's rather traumatic to an innocent girl like myself."

Duo snorted. "Innocent my ass." he said, pulling on his boxers while Hilde kept her eyes glued firmly to his face. "You're making it sound like you were expecting to stay a virgin until your wedding night, and then you'd be the perfect blushing bride. But I know better. Remember that one fantasy you told me about? You know the one with the sexy female photographer at the photo shoot?"

Hilde glared at him. "You know, I still think you got me wasted on purpose just so you could find out if I ever would have sex with another woman."

Duo shrugged, pulling on his jeans. "Maybe I did." He said. "But you can't blame me for being curious."

"Curious. Right. Perverted is the more appropriate word."

"Yeah, you know you love it." He said.

She just rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Look, I'll go see if I can head Relena off at the pass, before she decides to call the Preventers and start a search for you." She said, pointing at Heero while Duo laughed.

Heero sent him a dirty look. "What?"

"It's just . . . that's so true!" He said between chuckles.

Heero maintained a glare until Hilde spoke again.

"Hey, I'm just telling the truth. I heard about that little incident a few months ago where she hired Dorothy to be her P.I. and sent the poor woman all over the colonies and Earth looking for you."

Heero's lips tilted up into a small smile and he nodded. "Fine. You're right, you'd better go find her."

Hilde nodded. "And don't worry, I won't let this slip. I'll think of such an elaborate lie she'll never suspect a thing."

"Not too elaborate I hope?"

"Well, maybe." She'd said conspiratorially, before winking at them and leaving.

"That went well." Duo said when she'd left, pulling on a pair of shoes.

"Hn." Was all Heero said.

Duo heaved an exasperated sigh, "Don't tell me you're gonna disappear into that impenetrable shell of yours again. I swear you'd have to be one cold asshole to be able to do that after what just happened."

Heero, who, unlike Duo hadn't wanted to get dressed while Hilde was watching, pulled on his boxers and then his jeans.

"Do you have a shirt I can borrow?" Heero asked.

Duo grinned impishly. "Already wearing my clothes? Aren't we moving a bit too fast?"

Heero leveled him with a death glare. "People will get suspicious if they see us in the same clothes two days in a row."

Duo shrugged. "Sure, they're in that drawer there." He pointed. "And while you're rummaging through my clothes looking for something to wear, would you toss me the blue shirt?"

Heero moved to the drawer and started to rifle through the shirts. He pulled out a blue one and showed it to Duo.

"Yeah, that's the one."

Heero examined it for a minute and then gave Duo a funny look. "It looks like a blouse." He said, smirking.

Duo frowned. "You know, I think I liked you better when you were a quiet, trigger happy, solemn, mystery of a guy."

Heero, who'd moved toward Duo, pressed his lips against Duo's, his tongue dipping into his mouth briefly, before he backed away.

"You don't mean that." Heero said.

Duo nodded numbly. "You're right about that." He said.

He shook his head, trying to dislodge the lustful thoughts flitting across his mind, and pulled his shirt on.

"So what do we do now?" Duo asked. "I mean, do we tell people, is it a secret, what?"

Heero shrugged. "Our friends aren't stupid. We'll let them think what they will."

Duo nodded and started to re-braid his disheveled hair. He was silent until he had finished braiding his hair, and then he asked another question.

"What about Relena?"

Heero was silent as well before his face became a blank mask, letting none of his true emotions shine through to Duo.

"I don't know." He said, before opening the door and walking out, leaving Duo to jog to catch up.

~*~

Heero had been right. It wasn't long before the other three ex-Gundam pilots caught on, and they were all very excepting. Quatre and Trowa even admitted that their own relationship had developed into more than just friendship. Quatre also told them he'd been wondering when they'd realize that they were meant for each other.

Hilde, to pretty much everyone's surprise, didn't seem to care that Duo and Heero were together. She even opened up their small house to Heero, saying that since he was always spending the night anyway, he might as well just move in.

She did, however order Duo and Heero to share a bedroom at the opposite end of the house. This move did two things. It ensured that Hilde wouldn't have to listen to Duo and Heero make love nightly, and it, in turn, ensured that Duo and Heero wouldn't hear her crying herself to sleep.

No one, though, was the wiser to Hilde's plight, and eventually, she forced the tears away and ordered herself to be happy for Duo, who was now happier than she'd ever seen him. Besides, Heero wasn't bad company at all, and Hilde liked him. It seemed natural to the others that the three had become best friends who hung out together, went out together, and told each other almost everything. Hell, they'd even become Preventers and moved to Earth to be closer to the base together. They were happy, but most importantly, Duo and Heero were happy.

There was still one person who had the three worried, however, and that was Relena. She apparently didn't know that Duo and Heero were a hot item yet, and kept calling their home looking for him. They had only been able to hold her off for so long before they had to admit that Heero was, indeed staying with them. After that, the calls started coming once every three days, instead of once a week.

Hilde didn't quite understand why the girl was such an annoying bitch, and Duo had to remind her often that Relena was, for all intensive purposes, in love with Heero.

Hilde would cross her arms. "So? He doesn't love her does he? Jeez, she ought to use some of that money she has and buy herself a clue."

Of course, Hilde being as perceptive as she was, noticed the way that Duo would get this strange look in his eyes whenever Hilde asked if Heero was in love with Relena. She could understand why to a certain extent.

She'd asked Heero about it once, and he'd clammed up and glared at her and then stalked out of the room. That in itself indicated that he felt strong emotions regarding the subject, and Hilde, finally fed up with the way the two lovers were tiptoeing around the subject asked Duo about it.

Duo had looked at her like she was a pesky mosquito. "Can't we just drop it?" He'd asked vehemently, immediately regretting being so harsh, but still feeling annoyed.

He'd always known that Hilde was stubborn as a jackass and was damn near impossible to get off your case when she wanted to know something. But he'd never thought she'd be so agitating.

She didn't get hurt by his tone though, and he should have known she wouldn't. Instead she just got mad.

"Dammit Duo, every time her name comes up you get all touchy and stop talking and Heero get's all touchy and get's even quieter. I'm getting freaking sick and tired of it so I want to know, does Heero love her still? Is that why neither one of you want to see her again?

Duo ran a hand through his bangs. "Look, it doesn't matter okay?"

"Yes it does! The only time you and Heero aren't happy is when *she's* been mentioned. I want you two to be happy, but I also want to understand."

Duo sighed and leaned his head back against the tree behind him.

He seriously hadn't known she'd be dragging him off to give him the third degree. She'd just said she wanted a jogging partner, and since Heero was busy with something on that 'damn laptop of his', he'd just have to do.

Then she'd stopped in a secluded part of the park and had told him that they needed to talk and Duo had known this was not going to be a fun, do you remember that time we almost got killed in the war, talk.This was going to be one of Hilde's, I was going to study psychology only you came along, but I'm gonna try my best to play shrink anyway, talks. She didn't disappoint.

"You two need to get past this if you want to strengthen your relationship, and you can't get past it if you keep ignoring it. You know that."

Duo ran his hand through his bangs again, feeling frustrated. "What do you want us to do, Hilde? We can't exactly sit down with a marriage counselor and try to talk this out. I've already tried asking him about it, and he won't say anything. It's better if I don't push him."

Hilde sighed and hugged her knees to her chest. "I don't even know her that well," Hilde said. "And I hate her. She's always on your mind or his mind . . . he does love her doesn't he?"

Duo sighed. "Probably. He doesn't ever admit it, but you can tell he cares for her."

"But he loves you too, right?"

Duo didn't say anything.

"Right?"

"I don't know, okay?!" He finally exploded, jumping to his feet. "The son of a bitch won't say a fucking thing about what he feels for me!"

Hilde winced but stood up as well. "What about you? Have you told him how you feel?"

Duo nodded. "Yeah. In a stupid attempt to try to get him to feel something other than lust and like toward me I told him I'm in love with him. He didn't say anything. He just kissed me and told me we'd talk in the morning, but, surprise, surprise, he was gone."

They both sighed simultaneously and settled back down on the grass. That was the most maddening thing to Duo about this situation with Heero. It wasn't the fact that he loved Relena, but was fucking Duo. It wasn't even the fact that he refused to talk about it.

No, the worst thing was the fact that after they'd become Preventers, Heero had had excuses to leave. And from that day on he'd started running.

He never left for many days at a time, sticking to two day stints at the most, with plenty of phone calls checking in to both Duo and Hilde whenever he could. Still, Duo could feel the rebuttal. Whenever Heero disappeared it was because of something Duo had said in a fruitless venture to get Heero to admit that he felt anything beyond lust for Duo.

Heero would always conveniently forget whatever he and Duo had last spoken about, but every time he left, he closed another part of himself off to Duo.

Hilde was getting tired of it too. But Heero had stopped opening up to her like he had in the beginning, and things between her and Duo were strained. She'd already told them that she was sick of it, and when a fellow Preventer of theirs told Hilde she was getting married and asked if she wanted her apartment, she jumped at the chance to move. They were both saddened, but relieved. They both hoped that without her around, they could resolve this their way.

Still, Hilde wasn't leaving without one more try at solving their problems for them. And she did get the answers she was seeking. Unfortunately, they weren't the answers she wanted.

~*~

A few days after her talk with Duo, she was packing up and getting ready to move. Neither Heero nor Duo tried to convince her to stay. It was useless due to her obstinate nature, and none of them wanted it anyway.

Hilde was feeling the emotional strains of being best friends with estranged lovers, and they could both see it in the lack of sparkle in her eyes and the droop of her shoulders.

She had moved in half of her things to the apartment she'd chosen a few blocks away, and was preparing to make her last trip, when she'd opened the door to see the reason for everyone's troubles at the door.

"Um, hi Hilde. Is Heero here?"

Hilde opened her mouth to reply when she heard a soft voice from behind her.

"Relena?"

"Hello Heero."

Hilde's eyes darted between the two of them and she rolled her eyes. Off in their own world. No wonder Duo could tell he was in love.

Heero said her name again, and Hilde wondered if it was some sort of secret code.

She cleared her throat. "Heero, heart of my heart, best friend in the whole wide world, would you mind tearing yourself away from whatever planet you've crash landed on and helping me with these last few boxes?"

"Can't Duo do it?"

She glared at him and opened her mouth to reply, but was once again interrupted, this time by Duo himself.

"Hiya, Princess, let me guess, here to see Heero?"

She nodded.

"Well then Hilde, can't intrude on whatever private conversations they need to have, I'll help you with the boxes and drive you to your place."

She gave him a look that said clearly, 'Good Idea: staying here to intervene should Little Miss Priss decide to try and jump Heero's bones. Bad Idea: leaving the two alone and to their own devices.'

Duo shrugged and in turn gave her a look that said clearly, 'Good Idea: you not arguing with me and letting me do things my way. Bad Idea: you argue and stay here to listen in on a conversation we have no right to hear.'

Of course Duo won, and as they walked out of the house, he wore a self-satisfied smirk that belied the tension, worry, and doubt coiled in his stomach.

It was later as he and Hilde drove back to the house ('I forgot my purse' she said), that things really took a turn for the worst.

They both entered the living room, noting immediately, the fact that Relena's purse was still on the table, as was her suit jacket, and her blouse was on the floor beside the couch. Hilde fought the urge to run to whatever room the two sex-driven weasels were in and strangle the blonde, and instead grabbed her own purse, linked her arm in Duo's and said, 'Let's go for a drink, shall we?'

It was a very long drink. They remained in the bar until a few minutes before closing time, and decided that maybe it would be a good idea to take a walk around the park just across the street from the pub, before they walked back to their respective homes.

It turned out to be a very long walk. One in which neither spoke of Relena, and instead spent all of their time reminiscing.

"Remember that time we went to that club with Wufei and Sally," Hilde said, her words strangely clear for someone who'd spent nearly four hours in a bar drinking for most of that time. "And she got him so drunk, he let her give him a lap dance?"

Duo chuckled. "Yeah. That was pretty weird, come to think of it."

Hilde nodded. "Yeah. I never thought I'd see either Sally or Wufei looking like that."

"Remember the dance routine that we did?"

"You mean the one where I worked you like you were a pole?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"Nope, I can't seem to recall it."

"Too bad. Because if you did remember, I'd relish teasing you about it. Like the way you did pretty much all the work and I just stood there and let you have your way with me."

"Let me have my way with . . . ? You're crazy! You were just as into as I was, letting your hands roam everywhere while you . . ."

She stopped short, her hands flying to her mouth.

"Aha, so you *do* remember."

She shrugged demurely, trying to save face. "Maybe just a little."

"Hmm."

She stopped walking suddenly and threw herself onto a bench.

"Heero wasn't around then." She said softly.

Duo nodded, sitting next to her. "Yeah. It was just the two of us."

"I didn't think that was ever going to change." She said, her voice laced with wry amusement. "I don't think I thought we'd get married or date, or even sex each other up every so often. I just couldn't ever see it being anyone but you and me."

"You know, I thought that way too."

"Guess we were stupid, huh?"

Duo nodded. "The stupidest."

"Is 'stupidest' even a word?" Hilde asked with a sideways glance at him.

Duo shrugged as an answer.

Hilde thought about it for a moment, but it was giving her a headache so she shrugged too.

"What do we do now, Duo?" Hilde asked after a few minutes of silence.

Duo shrugged. "I don't know. I guess that you start a new life in that fancy pad you bought, and Heero and I, well, who the hell knows?"

Hilde leaned her head forward on her knees. "Before my stomach empties itself on the grass," she said, her voice slightly muffled. "I want you to know that if you ever need me, I'm here. That's why I didn't want to move too far away, in case you ever needed me."

"Aw Hilde, you shouldn't have done that." Duo said, looking at the top of her head and then out at the night sky. "The whole reason you were moving, I thought, was so that you could move on with your life and forget that Heero and I ever existed."'

Hilde shook her head slowly. "No, that's not why. I mean, if I wanted to forget you I'd move back to L-2 and quit my life as a Preventer. It's just . . . you and Heero are so close to me, it was killing me to see him hurt both you and himself. I couldn't stand watching either of you not be happy anymore. Besides, you don't want me around anymore."

Duo opened his mouth to say that wasn't true, but he knew it was. Otherwise he never would have let Hilde go.

Hilde groaned and then turned her head on her knees to gaze at Duo. Her smile was weak.

"Remind me never to take you for a drink again." She said.

He grinned at her. "You just can't hold your liquor."

"And you know it too. So why'd you let me drink so much?"

He shrugged. "Maybe I just wanted to hear you admit you want to have sex with a woman again."

She glared at him and then sat up. "You're horrible." She said, rubbing a hand over her eyes. "So, you gonna come home with me?" She asked.

Duo shrugged. "I really don't think I want to see what's waiting back at the house for me."

Hilde nodded firmly. "Good. Then you can make that foolproof hangover remedy of yours, we'll have some, take a nap, and then you can help me make that apartment into my new home."

Duo nodded. Sounded like a good idea to him.

~*~

Of course, what started out as a good idea, didn't end very well. Duo did make the nasty concoction guaranteed to prevent any liquor induced ails in the morning, and they did drink it, grimacing and turning green and trying not to laugh the whole time. But there was nowhere to sleep, something Hilde had obviously overlooked.

She sighed. "We can sleep on the floor." She said. "I can't arrange furniture right now. I'm still too buzzed. I'd probably hurt myself."

Duo nodded in agreement. "The floor it is."

They woke up a few hours later to see the sun had risen and hear birds calling just outside the window.

"Oh shut up." Hilde hissed in their direction.

They only chirped louder. Duo laughed.

"What?" She asked irritably.

"You are the worst person to be around in the morning." He said. "You even yell at birds."

She glowered at him. "Well excuse me for not being a morning person. Why are we even up anyway?" She asked.

Duo shrugged. "Don't know, but we might as well get started on moving you in."

"Ick. This early?"

"No time like the present."

Hilde sighed. "Fine, just let me find something more comfortable to work in." She said, standing up and running to the bedroom.

She opened a box and pulled out a t-shirt that she used to use to paint in and digging a little more, pulled out an old, faded pair of cutoffs. Once she had changed, she charged out of the room ready to turn that empty place into a home.

They worked for hours, laughing and joking around.

"God it's hot in here." Hilde said after they had finished most of the apartment, fanning herself from her seat on the floor next to the living room window.

"Excuse me, but you have no room to talk." Duo said from across the room. "Now help me move this damn thing."

Hilde heaved a longsuffering sigh but pushed herself to her feet and moved to the opposite end of her small sofa.

"At least you can take off your shirt." She said glancing pointedly at his bare chest. "I don't get any more ventilation beyond this." She indicated her clothes and then positioned her hands to prepare to move it.

"You could take your shirt off too, you know." Duo said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Yeah right." She said drily. "I actually trust you enough to strip in your presence."

"Come on." He weedled. "You're wearing a bra right? So I wouldn't really see anything I haven't seen before."

"You wouldn't be seeing anything new, even if I didn't have the bra on." Hilde muttered before shrugging. "Fine, okay, you're right."

She pulled off her shirt, feeling cool air kiss the skin of her stomach.

As soon as the couch was where Hilde liked it, they fell against it. Duo glanced sideways at her.

"And you were worried about taking your shirt off." He said, mockingly.

"Well, yeah. Your libido has been suspiciously over reactive for quite some time now. I didn't want you jumping my bones all of a sudden."

Duo rolled his eyes. "Maybe if you'd been wearing lace or something see through I'd have been tempted. But that sexless thing? No thanks."

Hilde mock glared at him. "You think sports bras are sexless? Figures."

"Well they are."

Hilde shook her head. "Pervert." She said.

"Tomboy."

"Hmph."

She stood up then and stretched languorously. "Well, I think we're pretty much finished. I can take care of the rest of it later, but right now I'm going to take a shower."

She was only in there for about five minutes before she was finished. Unfortunately she'd forgotten to take her clothes with her into the bathroom. She sighed, wrapped a towel around her body, and walked out of the bathroom, keeping one eye on the look out for Duo. She didn't even want to hear what he'd have to say if he saw her walking around wearing next to nothing.

She needn't have worried however, at least not about Duo. Because the moment she walked out of the bathroom and turned to walk to her bedroom, she found her eyes locked with a pair of deep Prussian orbs. He was across the hall and in the living room, but she could still see the anger that flashed in those eyes and flickered across his face.

"So, is she why you didn't come home last night Duo?"

Duo, obviously confused, moved until he could down the hall and sighed when his gaze landed on Hilde's towel clad form.

"It's not what you think, Heero." He said.

"And how exactly do you know what I think?"

"I know how it looks, and I know what I'd be thinking."

"Well then what is going on?"

"We had to go back to the house last night because Hilde had her purse. But it looked like you still had company to entertain."

Heero's eyes widened slightly but he didn't say anything.

"I think you can understand why we went out for drinks after that, and why I didn't go back home."

"So you spent the night with her instead?"

"It didn't happen that way!" Hilde cried. "We wouldn't dream of doing . . . *that* because we love you and we don't want to hurt you!"

Heero's sneer projected his obvious skepticism. "And you expect me to believe that?"

"Why would we lie?"

"How should I know how the mind of a slut works?" He asked, glaring at Hilde.

She gasped audibly, but she wasn't going to take that kind of abuse lying down.

"*You* should be an *expert* on how the mind of a whore works since you seem to know Relena so well."

He glared at her. "What gives you the right to judge her? Look at yourself. You're no better. The only difference is which one of us you're fucking."

Duo's fists clenched.

"This is ridiculous." He said. "Would you two stop acting like jealous little bitches for just one fucking minute?"

"What?" Hilde said, her eyebrows drawn together in a frown above her nose.

He ignored her.

"Listen Heero, she's telling the truth. All we did was sleep on the floor for four freaking hours and then we woke up and we moved her in."

Heero didn't say anything, but both Duo and Hilde knew what he was thinking, and it broke both of their hearts.

Hilde squeezed her eyes shut. "Look, you two had better just leave now, okay?" She said without opening them.

He glanced at her, nodded, and pulled the shirt he'd been clenching on.

They walked out in silence, the air between them sizzling with the promise of harsh words and long arguments when they were alone.

~*~

That was how it had all started. Looking back, Duo realized that maybe he should have found some way to stop it all before it snowballed. He should have ended it. But he couldn't. He was in love with Heero Yuy, and no amount of him trying to ignore his feelings could change that.

Duo spent many nights after that, wondering why he put up with so much. Sure love made a person do stupid things, but did it also turn that person into a masochist? Because that's what Duo was becoming. Always running back to Heero, the man who slept with Duo while he was in love with someone else. Always hoping for Heero to at least admit his love in the heat of the moment when he was drowning in a sea of passion. Always wishing for something more, and knowing he'd never get it.

Eventually Heero and Duo reached a sense of cool normalcy between each other. They didn't speak much, Heero becoming a very active Preventer while Duo spent most of his time at the office, joking with the others and pretending that he wasn't dying inside.

They didn't talk much because there wasn't much to say. But after a while it didn't matter that they didn't have a relationship that went beyond just mind blowing sex. Heero had managed to do something no one else ever had. He'd crushed Duo's spirit.

Pretty soon the others couldn't ignore it anymore, the emptiness that lurked in Duo's eyes and the hollowness of his laugh. Even Wufei was worried about his friend, but what could they do? Neither Duo or Heero were offering any details about their lives, and Hilde wouldn't spill what she knew either.

When Quatre finally did ask Heero about it, he didn't get a straight answer. Instead he received a curt, 'Mind your own business', and a death glare.

It became evident to everyone, however, a few weeks later just what the problem was.

~*~

Duo had been lounging around the small office he shared with both Hilde and Heero, watching idly as Hilde wrote out a report about their last mission when there was a shrill ringing.

Both Duo and Hilde jumped half a mile before they realized it was just the phone.

Hilde picked up the receiver. "Hello?" She asked. "Um, no he's not here right now . . . . Sorry, but I don't know where he is. Look, who is this?"

She was silent for a moment, but her fist clenched on the receiver until her knuckles were white.

"Is this an emergency? No? Well then leave us the hell alone!"

She slammed the receiver down and put her head in her hands.

"Relena?" Duo asked.

Hilde nodded. "Yes. God that girl is so freaking annoying!"

Duo laughed wryly. "Yeah, that she is."

"She wants to see Heero. No, she said that she *needs* to see him. It isn't an emergency though, she says."

Duo didn't say anything, and he carefully schooled his features into a look of indifference.

Hilde looked up at him and sighed, her eyes sad. "Dammit Duo, don't do this! Not again!"

Duo raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You know what! You're shutting us all out. You're so cold now! You're almost just like him!"

Duo's lips became pinched and his cobalt eyes flashed.

"I'm not like him." He said in a threateningly low voice. "I'm not a fucking *thing* like him."

He stood up then and stalked out of the office, just in time to hear Quatre's voice wafting from his own office.

"Relena? Yes I know where he is, why?" Small pause. "Look, if you feel like you're in danger than you should contact Une, not me . . . I know you think Heero's capable but she's our superior . . ." he sighed. "Fine. I'll let him know. You're welcome."

Duo pushed open the door to Quatre's office, leaning on the door frame.

"So, she called you too?" He asked.

Quatre nodded and rubbed a hand wearily over his face. "Yes. You know, I respect her a great deal. I feel she deserves it for undertaking the task of keeping the peace . . ."

"I'm not sure I want to hand the responsibility of maintaining world and colonial peace over to her." A voice said drily.

Duo glanced to his right to see Trowa sitting in a leather chair in the corner, his face buried in a book.

Quatre's lips twitched as he fought back a smile. "Unfortunately she is rather aggravating and ornery."

"You forgot to mention the fact that she's a complete bitch." Trowa said, still not looking away from the novel.

Quatre sighed. "Trowa . . ."

"You know it's true." Trowa said. "Don't tell me you've forgotten what she said to you that night at the Christmas party. She's the most homophobic person I've met."

Quatre ran a hand through his blond hair and nodded. "You're right."

"Well," Duo said, holding up both of his hands. "You definitely won't catch me arguing any of those things, except maybe the one about her deserving respect . . ."

Quatre nodded. "Yes, well, it doesn't matter how much we dislike her, we have to let Une and Heero know about this."

Duo raised an eyebrow. "You really believe that shit about her being in danger?"

Quatre shrugged. "It doesn't matter. She feels she is and Une does need to be notified."

"And Heero too?"

"I told her I would."

Duo sighed. "Fine, but *I'm* the one who's going to tell Heero. You can let Une know."

Duo found Heero in the breakroom, talking to Wufei.

Duo walked up to them with a falsely bright smile on his face. "Hiya Wu-man, Heero, what's shakin'?"

Wufei glowered at him. "Don't call me that." He said before tactfully leaving.

Heero and Duo stared at each other for a moment before the former of the two raised an eyebrow, begging him to get on with it because he was wasting his time. At least, that was what Duo got out of that look. But lately they'd been so out of sync he had no idea what his polygamous lover was thinking.

Duo leaned a hip against the table. "Relena called." He finally said, not wanting to tiptoe around the subject.

Heero's look sharpened and Duo shook his head.

"I'm not lying, if that's what you think." He shrugged. "She called me and Hilde first, looking for you. Said she wanted to see you but told us it wasn't an emergency. She called Quatre a few minutes later, told him she thought she was in danger, and asked him to relay the message that she wants you to fly all the way to wherever to save her ass. I thought I'd better tell you, instead of Quatre."

Heero still didn't say anything, and Duo ran a frustrated hand through his bangs.

"Listen, I know you love her, okay? And I know I'm just your convenient nightly lay. I've already come to terms with that fact. But I'm getting sick and tired of being nothing to you except a bed partner. Hell, I'm not even your *only* bed partner anymore."

Heero opened his mouth to retort, but Duo held up a hand.

"The fact that Relena's your fuck on the side is definitely no secret, so don't even try to say it was only that one time because I know that's not true." Duo said. "And that is the main reason I'm breaking this thing off. I don't mean anything to you. I probably never have. And knowing that, well, it's the straw that broke this camel's back."

He stood up straight and made to leave the breakroom, before he turned.

"You don't have to move out yet," he said. "But I think you should start looking for a place soon."

Heero remained silent but nodded, understanding just where they now stood.

Wouldn't you know, though, that things couldn't end so cleanly? Turned out that Relena really was in danger, and Heero received a near fatal wound, protecting her.

Duo received the call late one night. The shrill ringing of the phone jarred him out of a nightmare and he groped around blindly for the receiver. He finally found it, and he answered groggily.

"Hello?"

"Duo? Oh my God, Duo something horrible's happened to Heero! He's in a coma and they don't know if he'll make it and I'm scared!"

Duo was suddenly as wide awake as if someone had poured ice cold water over his head and down his shorts.

"Slow down Hilde and tell me what happened."

She hiccuped and told him what had happened, her voice thick with tears.

"Sally called and told me that he was injured during an assassination attempt on Relena's life. Only he wasn't just injured, he's barely alive. He was shot four times. Twice in the chest, once in the leg, and once in the abdomen. Oh God Duo, what do we do?"

"Where is he?"

"I don't know? Somewhere in Mexico I think."

"Look, you get dressed and I'll be over in ten."

He hung up the phone quickly and jumped out of bed. He grabbed a pair of jeans, a rumpled sweatshirt and a pair of shoes and made his way to the living room.

He placed a call through to Sally and Wufei's office and was getting dressed when she answered.

"Duo?" She asked, the fear etched into her features visible over the vid-phone.

"Yeah." Duo said, zipping up his jeans and slipping on the sweatshirt. "It's me."

Sally nodded and cleared her throat. "Um, Une's arranged for a thirteen passenger private jet to fly us to Cancun, Mexico. It's leaving from the Merbol airport in thirty minutes."

Duo nodded, finishing up the tying on his shoe and standing. "We'll be there." He said.

He made to disconnect but had to ask something else. "You're a doctor Sally. Is he going to make it?"

Her eyes filled with tears. "From what I've heard, he probably won't."

Duo nodded. "Okay Sally. See you."

He cut the connection, grabbed his car keys, and ran out of the house, barely taking the time to lock the door.

~*~

Hilde was a mess. She'd pulled on a large t-shirt and a pair of old jeans, her eyes red, her cheeks blotchy, and her short, dark hair was all over the place. She couldn't seem to stop crying, either, and it took Duo nearly five minutes to tell her that they were going to go see Heero and they needed to leave right away.

The flight there was a long and quiet one. No one said anything, no one made a sound. Hilde even stopped crying. Everyone seemed lost in their own thoughts, swallowed by their own grief. The only hints that they were aware of one another was the comfort they unconsciously offered each other.

Wufei held Sally in his arms, absently running his fingers through hair that was, for once, not in those ridiculous pigtails. Quatre was clutching Trowa's hand like a lifeline, and the slight tremble in Trowa's form was the only hint that he was as distraught as his lover.

All Hilde and Duo could do was hold one another tightly, both of them swapping tremors as one shiver traveled up Hilde's spine and then transferred over into Duo's body and then back into hers. Her chattering teeth were the only noises in the small cabin, and even those sounds were barely there things. Still, the small sounds were almost comforting to them, because pure silence would have been torture.

On the plane ride to Mexico Duo had a lot of time to think about things. He analyzed his relationship with Heero, thought about what Heero meant to him. He kept going over that first time they'd been together, the first time Duo had put a genuine smile on Heero's face, that first fight and their final words.

He prayed to a God he'd neglected ever since the Maxwell Church had been destroyed. A God he'd been convinced didn't exist because how could such a kind and merciful God allow such horrid things to happen? He knew that going to Him only when he needed something wasn't a good idea, and probably guaranteed a 'no' answer to his prayers, but he had to try.

The thing he thought about most however was what would happen when he got there. He could tell Heero he loved him until he was blue in the face and he knew that Heero wouldn't want to hear it. Still, he had to tell him so that if he . . . If anything happened he would know. And if Heero woke up and still wanted him, Duo would go back.

It was a pathetic thought, but he would do it in a heartbeat, go through the pain and agony of being Heero's lover again and again and again if it would keep him alive. Even if it killed Duo in the process.

~*~

Heero woke up three weeks later. Everyone was ecstatic and wanted to talk to him, but he only wanted to talk to two people.

"I already spoke with Relena about this." Heero's first words had been. "She doesn't care what happens either way, as long as she ends up with me. Her words, not mine."

Duo and Hilde both nodded.

"I want to talk to you first." Heero said, looking directly into Hilde's eyes.

"Whatever happens, you aren't a part of it. You'll have nothing to do with the decisions that Duo makes or with the decisions that I make. You won't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong anymore, and you won't play psychologist to my patient anymore either. If Duo decides to tell you what I tell him, you won't repeat any of it to a soul. You won't badmouth myself, Duo, *or* Relena no matter what happens and I'd prefer it if you didn't speak to me or Relena or Duo again."

He spoke in such a clipped mechanical tone, Hilde could hardly believe it was Heero talking. But looking into steely Prussian eyes devoid of any emotion at all, she realized she was talking to the Heero Duo had tried to push into remission. He'd failed obviously, or maybe the coma had just reawakened the monster.

She glared down at Heero and clenched her fists.

"What if Duo wants to talk to me?"

Heero glanced up at Duo and then back at Hilde. "He may talk to you if he wants to, but I don't want you seeking any of us out for information, understand?"

She stared down at him a moment longer before straightening her back.

"I hope you fucking rot in hell." She hissed through clenched teeth.

"If I do, I'll be sure to look you up." He answered cooly. "Now get out."

She lifted her hand as if to slap him or strangle him, or to simply pull the many tubes and wires in his body out. Instead she slammed her fist into the monitor by his bed, shattering the glass and shredding her knuckles. Then she turned and made her way to the door. She walked out without a backwards glance, and slammed it so hard Duo was amazed that the walls didn't shake.

Heero turned to a stunned Duo.

"All right, now it's your turn."

Duo stared into Heero's cold blue eyes and nodded.

"Relena and I talked a lot while I was here being her bodyguard. She loves me you know."

Duo snorted. "Yeah, I kind of figured that out." He said drily.

"You love me too."

Duo shrugged. "Sure, I guess."

"I am incapable of loving anyone." Heero said.

Duo's eyebrows soared. "Oh, so is *that* the excuse you're making for yourself? Well, if that's the explanation *you've* come up with, here's mine: I'm insane. That's the *only* reason for me loving you that actually makes sense."

"I never asked for you to love me." Heero said icily.

Duo's laugh was humorless and derisive. "Yeah well you never exactly discouraged me either, did you?"

"If you're going to be resentful about it then maybe you should leave now."

Duo stared down at him and shook his head, not to say no to leaving, but in pure disbelief at the callousness of this man that he'd fought beside, and made love to and lived with. In pure disbelief at his current situation. And in pure disbelief at his own stupidity.

"I was worried about you, do you know that?" He said, running a hand through his bangs. "Hilde practically had to force food down my *throat* because my stomach was too knotted up for me to eat anything. I *cried* over you. I came back here to tell you that I don't care what you do with Relena or whoever because you mean too much to me for me to just let you go."

"Why are you telling me this Duo?" Heero asked in a tone that was tinted with pain, as if he actually cared.

"Because it still hurt me when *she* was the first person you saw when you woke up from your coma. It killed a part of me every single time that you left for a weekend and came back smelling like *her*. I'm dead inside because of you!"

"Then why'd you come back?" Heero asked. "I'll tell you why." he continued. "Because you need me. Because without me you are nothing."

Duo's fists clenched but he didn't say anything. How could he when Heero had just voiced the very thoughts that had been flitting around in his head for the past two years? He couldn't very well deny it, but to say that it was true would be giving Heero yet another weapon against him.

Heero knew it was true though, the look in his eyes said so. But the next words out of his mouth weren't meant to hurt Duo. In fact they were born from a feeling of desperation that came from his very soul.

"I know because I think I need you too." He said, all anger in his voice directed at himself.

At first Duo thought that he'd heard it all wrong. But he knew he hadn't and suddenly he found himself wondering why he wasn't happy. He had wanted Heero to admit that he felt something for him beyond lust for years. Now he finally had, and all Duo felt was sick and tired of everything.

"Relena is rather easy to please." Heero was saying. "She doesn't care if I still live with you as long as she can still see me."

"Translation, as long she gets to screw you, she doesn't care who else you're fucking." Duo said, his tone dry and holding a dying note.

Heero glared at him. "I'm not making you any promises." Heero said ignoring the comment he made about Relena. "I want to try this again with you and Relena for reasons I don't feel like disclosing right now. But, if things . . . happen, I'll make sure that I break this whole thing off."

"With whoever the odd man out is you mean." Duo said before sighing. "Fine. You know what, I'll do it."

In the end, Duo couldn't really explain why he agreed to such a stupid deal. He was sharing the love of his life with another woman, but he didn't have anything to lose anymore. He wouldn't be happy without Heero and he couldn't be happy with him, so it didn't much matter how things went.

It was the dumbest thing he'd ever done in his life.

~*~

That deal had been made three months before. Since that time Hilde had resigned as an active Preventer, opting instead to work on decoding encrypted messages or hacking into enemy computers. It was a good move for her because she was good at what she was doing, and she didn't have to see Heero or Duo anymore. She was still there for Duo, nothing could ever have changed that, but he hadn't come to see her at all, until then.

"I'm tired of this Hilde." Duo said, putting the beer bottle down and resting his head in his hands. "I want it to end."

"So end it then." She answered.

Duo shook his head. "I can't."

Hilde's sigh was loud and frustrated. "How can you let him do this to you?" She asked. "Sure Heero Yuy maybe the Perfect fucking Soldier, but is he on such a high pedestal he can crush the great Shinigami?"

Duo didn't answer. He couldn't.

"Look, Heero's a great guy, if you like the emotionless, silent, complete with a full set of baggage type. He was a good friend for a while, hell, next to you he was my best friend. But he's killing you Duo. And I'm fed up with watching him do it!"

"You're wrong Hilde." Duo said, looking up into her dark blue eyes. "He's already killed me. I've been dead for a long time now."

"Duo . . ."

He stood up. "Look, it was a stupid idea for me to come over here."

"The stupidest." Hilde muttered with a sigh.

"Yeah," Duo said with a wry smile. "The stupidest."

"I'm sorry." Hilde said, clutching the bottle in her hand. "I'm so sorry."

Duo shrugged, his smile growing into a lifeless version of the old Duo Maxwell grin. "Hey, you yourself said I was asking for it. I went into this blindly and I deserve what I've gotten. I'll wait for Heero to break it off and then it'll be over. It's only a matter of time anyway."

He shrugged on his jacket and grabbed his car keys.

"I'll let myself out. See you around sometime."

Hilde watched as he left, knowing she couldn't say anything anymore to help him. He had to help himself first.

~*~

Duo pulled up to the small house he'd lived in for the past two years. He stared at it for a moment before he got out of his car and walked up to the front door. He opened it and walked in, not at all surprised to see it was dark and empty.

He turned on the light and set his keys down on the stand by the door. His fingers brushed a slip of paper which he opened and read. He finished, tossed it onto the table with a small, sardonic smile, picked up his keys again, and headed back out of the door.

~*~

A/N: ::covers face with hands and peeks out through fingers:: So, how was it? Good, bad? Did it suck? Well, um, it *was* my first yaoi anything so please be gentle in your reviews (which I'm expecting you to leave ::cough, cough::). Love ya, ^.~