Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ From the heart 1/1 ❯ From the heart 1/1 ( One-Shot )

Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam boys or any other character from the series.

Warnings: Angst, POV

Pairings: 1+2

Rating:

Author: Ryouga.

Authors note: Heero through my own eyes and based on events that have occurred in my own past.

Dedicated to ShenLong… Thankyou for your support, luv and encouragement, your tried patience and understanding… and of course... your great coffee! ^_~ *glomps*

Summary: Heero writes a letter to Duo.

Date: January 9th 2004

Title: From the heart 1/1

Duo…

I wanted to tell you this in person, but I didn't think it would come out right, well you know what I'm like. So I'm writing you this letter instead. Good luck understanding it!

As a child I was molded, shaped and led into believing that there was only one way of thinking, one way of dealing with things, one solution for the problem. The catch cries of; `you're useless, stupid, pathetic' and `can't you do anything right' were thrown at me constantly, but the one that still remains the hardest to have to live with was; `You'll never amount to anything'.

That cut to the core like a knife.

The negative influences abounded before me and so I grew to believe in them, letting them take over my mind, body and soul. I seemed to wander aimlessly through everything I did, striving for some kind of acceptance. But the more I tried to fit in, the more it seemed that I failed in all my attempts to please my peers and those around me. I wasn't the epitome of popularity, that's for certain. I was a little too different for them, but I continued on stumbling through my depressing existence to the best of my ability. And in the process, lost my identity.

I was mocked, scorned and made fun of; insulted and shunned, and I was made very aware that I was not good enough to be accepted into the same league as my fellow human beings. So I began to let them use and abuse me as they pleased. They seemed to like it like that. It was degrading and, although I could see that they didn't really care… at least I had… *friends*. Friends that would knock you down just as soon as look at you, friends who would turn around and stab you in the back just because they could.

My training sessions were long and hard as no doubt were yours, but there was no room for failure, some of the beatings that my superiors so graciously bestowed upon me, taught me that there was no room for love or friends in war, no place for caring or sentiment, no use for emotions.... that we are all just objects that are dispensable and I sometimes find myself envying the fact that you had loving people around you to guide you and teach you that it was all right to have a conscience.

I was taught how to kill without remorse.

I felt so alone, but I was not allowed to be weak, I had to be strong and the only solace I had was when I was alone with my Gundam; it was the only thing at the time that mattered to me.

I was a human killing machine sent to lead the lambs to slaughter. If you think about it Duo, I have been killing people since I was old enough to ride a bike, but instead of a bike they gave me a Gundam, and with it, the power of destruction.

I was given the name of Heero Yuy to carry on the work of my predecessor, the real Heero Yuy, but in secret I have always longed to know what my true name was. However I believe that my records from before this life have been completely destroyed and I have never found any trace of anything in any archive, anywhere.

I had always wondered what having a true friend would be like, considering that throughout my younger life I had never really met any one particular person whom I could fit into that category. I think though, by then it was too late. I had been conditioned so much by the time my teenage years came around that I found I had lost my trust and faith in humanity. I became cold, withdrawn. I smiled, but as for my emotions, they had set themselves aside somewhere deep into the darkness of my heart. I hid them well, back then.

As my teenage years rolled into adulthood things remained pretty much the same. Life was still cruel. Any hopes, dreams and aspirations were crushed repeatedly… and I had already begun to give up on any hope that I could become anything more than the pitiful creature I had been changed into.

But by then I had met you and my life seemed to change rapidly from then on in and even more so when we moved in together after the wars. We have been learning little things about each other, discovering that you and I had been through many a similar situation during our childhood, leaving us both a little vulnerable and uncertain even with each other from time to time; nevertheless we're learning to trust and communicate through one other and that is something relatively new for the both of us.

You at least have tried to understand me, given me a new perspective on how to look at things, taught me how to see the positive over the negative and it's hard, very hard not to revert back to that way of thinking and even now I still find myself fighting with my conditioned emotions and I know it's not always easy for you either, you have been hurt too, conditioned in other ways, but still you manage to see the good things amongst the bad, the light at the end of the tunnel and that's something that I admire in you immensely. Letting your emotions go, after having them shut away for so long as we both have, isn't something that we can do over night.

It all takes time for wounds that are deeply imbedded into our hearts to heal and some may never heal completely, but they will fade eventually to a dull ache instead of the thudding pain that once resided within. It's not going to be a bed of roses; we've both known that from the start. We have so much in common and are so very much alike, yet so very different, but there are times when we seem to be able to read each other like a book, you, reading me more so, than I reading you.

The negative conditioning that has been etched into my heart causes my inner most thoughts, fears and anxieties to rear their ugly heads and I tend to over react; slip into the old persona until I get to the point where I seem to lose focus, the soldier in me once more taking control and I go over the edge saying thoughtless and unreasonable things without thinking first and I'm sorry for that, but I promise you that they are not intentional! I would never hurt you on purpose. I would rather die before I ever let that happen.

More than anything, you have been my best friend, the greatest gift that I have ever known and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. If anything I want to protect you from the pain that you feel, protect you from those who would insult and lie about you, but you have taught me to understand that there are some things in our lives that only we ourselves can overcome and being there is all that we can do for each other during those times.

You have said that I have come along way over the past few months; faced a few of my inner fears, but I look at you and I can see that you too have come just as far, if not further. You have opened up to me a little more too, confiding in me, trusting me with some of the things that made your life a living hell in the past.

I know how much you want to spread your wings and take full flight into life, to be free from the entrapment you have been caged with for so long. I want you to do what makes you happy, because I truly understand what it means for you to be free, for you have shared with me your feelings on this, and I want you to be free; I want to see you spread those wings just as much and follow your heart to where ever it may lead, even if it doesn't always encompass me.

I know that you feel guilty at times about taking flight because of the way I am inside and how the events of my past have affected me. Don't be. Yes, of course I'm going to be a little afraid, It's just going to take a little while, but in time I will be able to accept it without that fear. You said so yourself, but my heart is starting to trust in you a little more each day and the reassurance of return that you give is beginning to be enough to take the edge off the emptiness that grips me when you leave my side.

As long as you miss me, I can take it. So you'd better miss me good. ^_~

Trusting in me every day is a risk that you have chosen to take, it's a big step for you and I am honored by the privilege; so I make you a promise here and now that will last for life. That trust is sacred to me and I will never betray it. You are a rare gem; one that hasn't yet fully realized it's true worth or is too humble to admit it, but I can see it clearly. You give so much of yourself to others rarely taking back for yourself and that is what makes you so unique.

It's overwhelming to be treated as something of value when you've never had that before and you have given that to me and I try hard to return the sentiment as the bond of our friendship strengthens because you deserve it just as much, if not more than I.

This is probably going to sound somewhat odd, but you're my reality, my gravity. You keep me in touch with the real things in life that matter and keep me grounded with my feet firmly on the floor. Yes, I can be a little over enthusiastic at times or even the opposite, but you're right there bringing me back down to earth so that the disappointment doesn't hit me as hard as it should had I continued on in the direction I was heading and despite advising me of different options, ones that you knew were better, you let me choose, let me make my mistakes so that I could learn from them.

Nevertheless you were there waiting, knowing exactly when I needed you to guide me back towards the path I should have traveled.

You could touch the sky if you wanted too, be anything that you want to be, but I am not going to interfere with the path you wish to take either. All you have requested in return is that same respect and I am trying to do just that. I'm not going to say it's not hard because I care about you too much to want to see you fall and get hurt, but a true friend will do just that; and I will be there waiting in the shadows when you need me.

Please forgive me if I seem a little overbearing at times. I'm just not used to having a friend as wonderful as you. It's still very hard to take in that you really do care; your kindness is overwhelming, your forgiveness when we have our disagreements, unconditional and you yourself are so gentle, compassionate and understanding, that I swear sometimes I can see an angel standing before me when I look at you.

I know eventually there will be a time in our life later on down the track where you and I may be ready to move on, that the bonds of our friendship will have strengthened our hearts and souls enough to go out on our own and learn to trust in others again, but when we do, I will never forget or neglect the fact that you believed in me, had faith in me, that you were the one who gave me the strength, courage and motivation to make something of myself, that you were the one to ease your way into my dying heart, my pathetic excuse for an existence and bring it back to life

No one however, will ever be able to take your place inside my heart, or remove the irreplaceable memories we have made. You are the one who has taken the time to seek out the person inside of me, tried to understand what makes me function the way I do and now whenever I look into your eyes I can see the reflection of my own face and I am not quite the same person as I used to be.

Even though I am still attempting to cast out the remaining demons that lurk in my heart, I am starting to accept some of the things about myself that I refused to before. Coming to terms with the things I have to change slowly, the things about me that I don't like, is the hardest of all.

Compared to this, my other missions were easy.

I do know there is one thing that I am sure of though, and that is… I owe it all to you, Duo Maxwell. As happy and joyous as you can be, and as cold as you can sometimes appear, there is contained with in you a heart as big as the universe and in you I have found that true friend I have always dreamed about.

Everything that I am and everything that I will continue to become from here on in is because you have influenced my life in a positive way.

And I will never forget what you have done for me.

I will always love you my friend.

Thank you, Duo.

For everything.

Owari