Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Fumbling Towards Ecstasy ❯ Chapter 1

I've decided to try my luck, and write a NC-17 rated fic... I promised awhile back to write a sequel to my fic 'I Love You' (Sarah McLachlan)... I think you've noticed how much I like to write songfics... So, here I present to you 'Fumbling Towards Ecstasy' with a spice. This part is in Heero's POV.

I wanted to dedicate this to Blackrose who wanted her fluff... Rose, now you can't complain!!

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Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
By Andrea Sinisterra
Rated NC-17
Fluff/Romance



There was darkness. Only darkness. Always darkness. Ever since the day I left her. Left her standing there, even though I could feel my body ache all over from want of her. I still crave her. But I'm only darkness. Darkness overtaking her light. Something that cannot be. My fingers tremble with the remembrance of her hair; the silky softness against my skin... warming me... warning me.

Everything about her is a warning to my senses. The feel of her skin an alert to my brain. But I can't get enough of her. I never will. She's everywhere. Everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, and everything I touch. She's in my dreams; she's in my bed... in my skin.

The silence is overbearing, deafening, even through the buzz in my ears. I can hear her voice; the twinkling bubble of her laugh haunting my days; the curvaceous sin of her body haunting my nights. My mind often wanders to that isle of matters. How can an innocent be so sexy? It often turns into a debate. A debate of the voices that reside in my head. She's no innocent, another voice argues, you tainted her with your sins. And I know it's true. I'm corrupted.

I agree with the voices, for they crave her as well. My bed carries the memories of her visits, the sins of my dreams. I meet her; a confrontation with her eyes, an everyday occurrence. So, yes, I am haunted: by her voice, her eyes, and her body.

Her eyes.

They frightened me, for they carry the promises of pleasures and comfort I had been banned from. Her eyes taught me truths about her; they whispered her secrets with their flickers of light and darkness. It surprised me the first time I encountered that darkness. A sort of secret not even she herself knows of. A wanting, a craving... For me.

And I was frightened by it. Her innocence hurt me just as much as it hurt her. Because wanting me meant she was betraying herself. And the thought always makes me smile with satisfaction. A satisfaction that was not as satisfying because she is unreachable.

The light is almost nonexistent now. The artificial light from the equally artificial moon provides little to no clarity; of course, the rain doesn't help either. It soothes me. Just as soothing as her. The thought of that night makes my body ache, an ache only she can soothe.

I knew she felt my reaction that night. I almost lost control. I would have taken her right then and there... on the middle of the street. It certainly would have provided some sort of entertainment for the wayfarer. And she would have been with me every step of the way.

It was surprising when I finally found a name to my ache. Not my physical aches, mind you, but an ache that is only present when I see her, and when I don't... The ache that is always present. I couldn't blame myself, the same way I can't blame God for making us feel 'it'. I love her. And it wasn't something I grew into. No, it was sort of a slap to the face. A very hard, mind-numbing slap. I found out the same day I turned human. The day she made me human.

But I can't corrupt her. I can't give her the life she deserves. And I know I'm selfish, but I know that no one, absolutely no one can offer her the life she deserves. She can't be valued, she can't be matched, and she can't be loved the way she loves. She represents the utopia of mankind: the perfection of human beings...

I feel restless, tired of the monotony. The monotony my life has turned into. I curse, the soft knock drawing me from my dark thoughts. And just as I throw the door open, I can feel my face lose its color, a burning sensation digging into my chest. A sliver of worry lacing through my veins.

Her skin is not the healthy flushed pink I remember from the last time I saw her, nor her eyes carry that sparkle of sky in them. Instead, all I see is the tired and worn body of a woman I can barely recognize.


All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore


A stranger with ghosts in her eyes... I close the door behind us, shielding her from the cutting wind, and the freezing rain. Shudders rack her body, her teeth chattering. I envelope her in a towel, leading her to the couch I had vacated moments before. I leave, trying to find some clothes that would fit her. Even though I try to concentrate on the task of finding her clothes to wear, I can only picture her milky skin, and her heaving chest drawing my eyes to the translucent shirt covering her breasts.

I know I have it bad for her.

I lead her to the bathroom, dimly aware that no words have been spoken. Just as usual. There is shyness in her eyes, perhaps embarrassment that I cannot comprehend. But I leave her to find some tea I know I have somewhere. I know she loves tea. I know everything about her. Blame it on her eyes.

I barely pay any attention to the task at hand, trusting my subconscious. How can it be possible to communicate such deep feelings without words? Without touch? How can her eyes parallel such heavy emotions? How can she be so open, so true? So real? Why is she the way she is?

The low whistle of the teapot snaps me out of my interrogations. There is a rustle coming from the living room, followed by a door's silent shut. I serve her tea, the aroma reminding me of her. There is a subtle silence in the room that I know she's aware. It is not uncomfortable, but it carries anticipation and anxiety.

She looks lovely in my clothes: a T-shirt, and sweatpants too big to hug her hips. And while she sips her tea, I can feel a tightening in my lower body when I see the tip of her tongue peek from between her lips... It's those little things she does unconsciously that make me want her to unbearable measures. How can an innocent be so damn sexy!? She drives me crazy, and she has no idea.

"How did you find me?" My voice sounds strange in the silence, but then again, it's been awhile since I heard it myself. And I am again reminded of my darkness. Of my solitude.

Her voice is hoarse, and I notice that she's still cold. "Duo told me."

I don't know whether to kill the loose-lip bastard, or clap his back. Though he claims to know me better than I know myself. I can feel her eyes on my back as I make my way to my room, and I know she's nervous.

My intention was to grab the comforter to warm her. But one look at the bed leaves me just as nervous as a schoolboy on his first day of class.


It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh,
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath


I don't know how much time I stood there, gazing at the rumpled sheets of my bed... but the moment I felt her cold hand on my back, my eyes lost their battle to stay open. God, how I desire this woman.

Her head rests on my back. "I needed to see you." Her voice is papery, too faint to be a whisper, but I heard it just the same. Her voice was in my head, just as her body was in my head.

I sigh when I feel her make her way around, her face inches away from mine. And she's still too far away. But, I refuse to move. Refuse to corrupt her with my sins. I can feel her breath on my face, and I need not open my eyes to know she's going to kiss me. It's Hell and Bliss, the contrast of her cold lips to the burning warmth of her tongue. I can't deny her. I won't deny her.


And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love


I'm startled to find that she's looking at me. Her eyes are deep, much darker that how I remembered them. We kiss, our tongues dancing to an unconscious rhythm, while our eyes drink in the sight of the other. I fight the reflexive hiss at the feel of her cold hands on the bare skin of my stomach. That's when I notice I'm no longer wearing the blue shirt I had moments ago.

Her skin is still clammy from the rain, but smooth and flawless. A hunger ignites her eyes, only matched by the hunger I feel. She presses her body against mine, enticing me, inviting me to possess her... It's all I want to do. All I know to do. But I won't take the choice away from her, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much she... rubs. I groan at the feeling. I can feel my limbs tremble with desire and restraint. Her mouth utters sounds, wordless sounds that carry throughout the room, proclaiming her intention.

I want this woman... I need her. I will have her.


Companion to our demons
They will dance, and we will play


I am consumed by her, by her eyes, by her mouth... consumed by her body. We stumble across the room in our haste to remove our clothes. I press her against a wall, the hard, cold peaks of her nipples digging holes in my chest. Her skin is still cold, but warming by the minute; and it's no longer clammy by rain, but by sweat.

I kneel in front of her, my lips against the quivering muscles of her stomach. The tang in the air have me lowering the sweatpants, anticipation making her breath come in pants. Her fingers tangle in my hair, and the simple motion gave me pleasure. The pants were finally off, though I was not prepared to find her without any underwear. I blew a breath against the fair hair.

Her hands tighten painfully on my hair, "Heero!"

She sucks her stomach in intermittent breaths. I bring one of her legs over my shoulder, and I relish in the fact that she flexes her muscles, drawing me nearer to her body. I know she's aware of it, for she doesn't release her hold.

The moment I touch my tongue to her core, and the strong, delicious taste of her reaches my heart, every thought ceases to exist. The leg against my back releases and contrasts, and my body tightens beyond pleasure... it was almost painful.

I can hear her voice cry out, her body trying to stay together. My hand wanders up her body, under the T-shirt she still wore. A moan escapes her lips when my hand cups a creamy breast. Her taste is sweet and spicy at the same time, and I know it will forever be sealed to my memory. My teeth close around the small bud of flesh at the top of her sex, and a grin takes over my face. She screams, and the sound was pleasure in itself. While I worry her clitoris with my teeth, I sneak two, then three fingers inside her body... the wonder of feeling her around my fingers is beyond words.

I can clearly feel every flex and release of muscles. I pump my fingers in and out of her body with fervor, knowing her climax isn't too far behind. I rub her nipple with my other hand, rolling the bud with almost painful pressure. Her breath catches, her mouth and eyes closed into a frown, right before her screams pierces the night.


With chairs, candles, and cloth
Making darkness in the day


Her leg falls from my shoulder, and I find myself surrounded by them when she slid down the wall into a crouch in front of me. Her body collapses against mine, spent, and satiated. Her cheeks are a healthy flushed pink, and her eyes have turned back into their clear sky blue.

She tries to speak, but her short breath keeps her from getting the words out. I speak out instead.

"I've wanted to do this to you... since so long." It was then that I realized my breath was just as shallow as hers. "So beautiful."

Her hair has dried by now, the tresses curling at the ends. We kiss while I carry her to the bed, the soft mattress a welcome on her spent body. But my body is far from tired. I'm aroused beyond description, a situation only she can remedy. And she has no qualms of doing so.

She rolls our bodies, until she straddles me, her hot wet core pressed to my stomach. Somehow, my earlier thoughts about her being innocent make no sense right now. Because the look in her eyes, the curve of her hips, the warmth of body is everything but innocent. There isn't an innocent thing about her. Her smile is wicked, and her eyes, naughty. And I want her all the more. How can I want her so much?

"Heero." Her smile faded, and her eyes clouded over, the shades darkening, smoldering with arousal. "I need you. I..."

I smiled, running my hands up her sides, until I could cup the undersides of her heavy breasts. I caressed my thumbs over the peaks, feeling satisfaction at seeing her eyes close in pleasure. She lay down on top of me; her body-heat a welcome in the cold night. Her hands snaked between our bodies, and a beat later I felt her loosening the ties to my sweatpants. I helped her remove my pants, and then making her raise her arms to remove her T-shirt. And when I pressed her body to mine, and felt the contact of my skin against hers, I think I almost blacked out from pleasure overload.

She kissed the skin from my throat, all the way to my stomach, right to the barrier of my boxers. She then kissed my erection through the thin cloth, and a hiss left my lips. The impudent touch of her hands, and the equal boldness of her lips had me gasping for breath. In a blink of an eye, my boxers were gone, and I almost choked on my tongue when her fingers wound around my erection and moved in sure, precise strokes.

Time ceased to flow, the moment had frozen, it was just the two of us, and the pleasure she was inflicting. I don't know how much timed has passed, nor do I care, but it took everything in me to close my hand around her wrist... and stop her.


It will be easy to look in or out
Upstream or down without a thought


I remedied the hurt in her eyes in a second, arranging her body under mine, snuggling into the apex of her legs. When she wrapped her long legs around my waist, I knew we had waited long enough.

She reached between us again, leading my erection into her. "I need you, Heero." She ran her hands down my back, and I encouraged her movements with nibbles and kisses. When she reached the base of my back, her hands hesitated a moment before cupping my buttocks... "I--I love you."

And I drove myself to the hilt. She winced when her hymen tore, but she did not cry. I whispered apologies in her ear, before sucking the rosy earlobe into my mouth, and thrusting hard into her at the same time. She gasped, and then moaned. Her little noises increasing with my thrusts, and soon she was rising her hips to meet me, urging me in my quest for completion. Her body fit me like a glove; I am home.


And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love


I thrust harder still. Our bodies are slick with sweat, and she smoothes my hair away from my face. The rain continues to pour outside my window, intermittent flashes of lightning illuminating the dark room. Her eyes are luminescent in the eerie light, twin sparkles of blue, and I feel my love for this woman soar. Her hands travel up my spine, massaging the vertebras with easy, smooth strokes.

And then she ran her nails down my back. It was an exciting sensation.

She cried as she came, "Heero!" And my name had never sounded so... enticing before.

I continued to thrust in and out of her slick tight body. I felt her hands on my face, then around my neck. We kissed, our tongues mimicking the movements of our lower bodies. I kissed her hard, driven by the sole purpose of satisfying her. "Relena."

Our bodies have found a symphony by themselves, and we are helpless but to follow its rhythm. Her breath, her warmth, her eyes, they all make me strive to prolong this moment, to prolong our ecstasy. My arms protest from their strain, so I roll us around, until she is straddling me again.

I gaze at her face. Flushed and breathless... she's breathtaking. I sit up, and urge her to move, and after a moment, she begins her dance, a sexy roll of her hips against mine. I leave her to do what she pleases, contenting myself with her breasts. She cries out in surprise when I suckle her nipple for the first time, rolling the bud fiercely between my teeth.


Peace in the struggle to find peace
Comfort on the way to comfort


I suckled the pulse at her throat, her hair tickling my legs when she throws her head back. Her breath is raspier than before; her eyes carry intent, but she can't form the words. "I--" She rests her head on my shoulder, her arm around my neck. Her hips never ceasing. "I never thought-- I don't know..."

My laugh is hoarse, but I manage to answer her, "you're doing great. Believe me."

When she smiled, her whole face lit up, and she whispered, "I love you" just before she closed her mouth on mine and renewed her thrusts with fervor. I am helpless but to follow her lead, my heartbeat going at an unhealthy pace... and I don't care. How can she say those words so easily? How can she love so easily?

She moaned hard, and I realized it was not that difficult. It is just a matter of letting go. And I did just that. I rolled her around again, and she squeaked in surprise, but I resumed our pace. The thrusts striving for that final goal. I finally let my release come, and I heard her voice her own release, our voices shattering the dull silence of the room.

"I love you... Relena."


And if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love


The voices in my head were gone, the darkness no longer there. It was as if I had stepped into the light. There is no cold, instead warmth. Everything is warm. And she is that warmth. She always was. She is my home.

There are tears in her eyes, and a smile on her lips. She is shining. With happiness. Her gaze bores into my soul, sharing her secrets, and her love for me.

"I love you." She whispers, but it sounded more of a question.

I can see everything with a new light now. There are no dead bodies of people I killed, any voices, and demons haunting me, no lingering smiles and eyes to keep me up at night. She was here, she will always be.

I kissed her, her lips soft and pliant as the rest of her body, "I love you."


I won't fear love
I won't fear love...


I don't have to be alone anymore.



**The End**