Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Gundam Wing and the Knights of the Round Table ❯ What the Heck? ( Chapter 1 )

This is what happens when you stay up too late at night. You get really weird ideas and the next thing you know you're writing stuff down that you should probably keep locked up in the darker, more perverted recesses of your mind. Now I'm going to suck you all in with me.

Disclaimer: This is an original work of fiction, but the characters of Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Wu-Fei Chang, Trowa Barton and Quatre Reberba Winner are borrowed from Gundam Wing AC by Hajime Yatate and Yoshiyuki Tomino and produced by Sunrise.

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Chapter 1: What the Heck?

“Oh, my head!” Duo sat up with a groan. “I thought you said you knew where we were going, Quatre.”

“Well, I thought you said you could fly that tub!” Quatre grumbled back. He was holding his head in his hands.

“It would have helped if you'd mentioned the big giant planet in the middle of the course you picked.”

“Stupid me! I thought you would have noticed it.”

“I did, jackass! But you also failed to mention the giant moon on the other side!”

“Shut up, both of you!” Heero growled. “You're giving me a headache.”

“I agree.” Trowa stood up gingerly. “I think it's safe to say we're not in Kansas anymore.”

Wu-Fei also rose. “I'd say we crashed, but there isn't any wreckage.”

“No wreckage?” Duo exclaimed. He looked around. “That doesn't make sense.”

“Sure it does,” Heero dead-panned. “It probably disappeared in a smoking ball of flame in the atmosphere of the planet you just ran into.”

“I did not hit the giant planet!” Duo cried. “I hit the giant moon!”

“This looks more like Earth to me, than a rocky airless moon strewn with the wreckage of our shuttle and our lifeless bodies.” Heero might have been smiling, but it was hard to say.

“Arghhhhh!” Duo jumped on Heero and started pounding him with his fists.

“Hey guys, do the foreplay later, someone's coming.” Trowa shielded his eyes and looked off into the distance.

The other three immediately came to their feet and they all followed Trowa's gaze.

“What the hell is that?” asked Wu-Fei.

“I'd say it's your lucky day, Fei-Fei.” Duo laughed. “That looks like a knight in shining armor.”

The knight reached them and reined his horse to a halt. “Well met, gentlemen! Whither away?”

“Huh?” said Duo.

“He's asking us where we're going,” Trowa answered. To the knight, he said, “We're strangers here, Sir. Can you suggest a place to seek lodging for a few days?”

“Why, my good man, as you are but a scant mile from Camelot, I recommend that you seek out the hospitality of the good King Arthur himself. He sets a fine table for travelers and folk are always eager to hear news from afar.”

Five jaws dropped in unison. Heero recovered first.

“I beg your pardon, but did you say Camelot?”

“I did indeed.”

“And this King Arthur, would that be he of the Knights of the Round Table?”

“The very same, in truth.”

“Well, that's interesting,” said Trowa.

“Maybe we're all dreaming,” said Quatre.

“I hope we're all dreaming,” added Duo.

The knight listened to their exchange with a puzzled expression. “Have you gentlemen perchance been ensorcelled?”

“Huh?” said Duo.

“He's asking if we're under a spell,” said Trowa.

“I don't think so,” said Heero.

“Spell or not, I'm hungry,” interrupted Wu-Fei. “Can't we discuss this over a meal?”

“I vote with Fei!” seconded Duo.

“Allow me to guide you,” said the knight. “I am Sir Percival and it is my honor to be of service to you.”

“Thank you.” Trowa spoke for all of them.

It really was a castle, with towers and pennants, a drawbridge and a moat.

“I'll be damned,” Duo remarked.

“I think it's rather pretty,” said Quatre.

“You've a good eye, my young friend,” said Percival proudly. “Camelot is one of the fairest sights you'll ever clap eyes on. `Tis renowned far and wide.”

“You're sure they'll put us up there?” Trowa asked. “We've little to recommend us.”

“Helping the neediest brings the greatest rewards in heaven,” Percival replied piously. “Only a scoundrel would turn a penniless man out in the elements.”

“Penniless certainly describes us,” Heero said flatly, “but we'll pull our own weight.”

“Industriousness is its own reward,” Percival intoned.

Duo rolled his eyes.

As they neared the castle, knights on guard duty began calling out remarks.

“What have you there, Percival? That's a pretty pack of waifs you're herding.”

“Hoy! Have you had any of them up on your horse yet?”

This last remark brought a round of snickering.

Duo frowned. “You know, I don't think that man is referring to the animal Percival is riding.”

“You think?” snorted Heero. “I bet he's already got your ass sized up.”

“They're knights!” Quatre exclaimed. “They wouldn't engage in illicit behavior like butt-fucking.”

Duo laughed out loud. “You really had a sheltered upbringing!”

Percival shook his head sadly. “Alas, I fear there is truth in the assertion. Far too many of my fellow knights enjoy the shameful practice of sodomy.”

“I wouldn't call it shameful,” Duo protested. “When you've got the right partner, anyway.”

Percival looked shocked.

“Don't pay any attention to him, Sir Percival,” Wu-Fei said. “He's shameless.”

“And you're not?!” laughed Duo. “I didn't hear you complaining night before last when I…”

“Shut up, Duo!” Heero growled. “Sir Percival doesn't need to hear about your perverted pastimes.”

“You should talk,” Duo grumbled under his breath. “The biggest perverts always have the biggest…”

“I said shut up!” snapped Heero.

They started across the moat and Wu-Fei clapped his hand over his nose. “What is that horrible stench?”

“It is but the moat,” answered Percival. “In summer when the water is low, the refuse rotting on the bottom floats to the surface.”

“Refuse?” Duo looked over the edge. “It smells like shit to me.”

“It probably is shit.” Trowa glanced casually at the moat. “In medieval times, indoor plumbing means a bucket you dump out the window.”

Duo, Quatre and Wu-Fei stopped dead in their tracks.

“I am NOT crapping in a bucket!” Wu-Fei announced.

Duo and Quatre nodded vigorously.

“You can always shit in the woods like bears.” Heero spoke without stopping or turning around.

“This is SO wrong!” Duo cried. “It's all your fault, Quatre! If you'd mentioned the stinking planet…”

“My fault?!” Quatre shouted back. “I wasn't the one who crashed into the giant planet!”

“I DID NOT HIT THE GIANT PLANET!” Duo screamed. He jumped on Quatre and began pounding him with his fists.

Wu-Fei pulled Duo off. “Stop it! Both of you!”

Percival stared at them in dismay. Leaning close to Heero, he whispered, “Perchance, are any of your companions somewhat unhinged?”

“No `perchance' about it,” Heero smirked. “Duo's just plain nuts.”

“I heard that!”

King Arthur was actually wearing a gold crown, but it did not look comfortable. He kept sliding a finger up underneath the edge as he regarded the five young men with a kindly, paternal eye.

“Welcome to Camelot, gentlemen. Please look on this castle as your home for as long as you have need.”

Trowa bowed. “We are honored, Your Majesty,” he answered politely. He gestured at the others until they bowed also.

They were settled in a suite with a separate bedroom for each of them and a common sitting room.

“This is nice,” said Duo. “We can visit back and forth as much as we want.” He winked at Heero.

“Have you seen the bedding?” Wu-Fei complained. “I don't think it's ever been washed. I think it has fleas.”

“You're seeing things, Fei,” Heero remarked absently. He was examining a heavy broadsword mounted on the wall. “This looks interesting.”

“I just had a thought,” Quatre said, a slim finger tapping his lower lip. “The wizard Merlin worked for King Arthur. I wonder if I could learn a little magic while we're here.”

“Magic? You're nuts, Quatre. There's no such thing.”

“What do you know, Duo? Can you explain how we got here? Aside from you crashing into that planet?”

Duo clenched his fists. “For the last time…” he began, but Heero abruptly grabbed him from behind and clamped a hand over his mouth.

“I don't want to hear it.” He glared at the others. “Let's all agree that Duo did not run into the giant planet. Agreed?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok.”

“Fine.”

Heero removed his hand. “Satisfied?”

Duo grinned. “Hardly. All you did was hold me. If you'd just rub up and down a little…”

Heero rolled his eyes. “Weren't you hungry half-an-hour ago? Let's go find out when dinner is.”

“Sounds good.”

“I'm in.”

“About time.”

“Tease.”