Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Gundam Wing and the Knights of the Round Table ❯ You've Got to be Kidding Me! ( Chapter 5 )

Chapter 5: You've Got to be Kidding Me!

Duo and Wu-Fei, feeling properly clean again, walked back to the castle along the dusty lane pompously referred to as the King's Highway.  About halfway back, they came upon Heero seated on a rock, cleaning his sword with a bit of cloth apparently torn from the tabard of the dead knight lying in the weeds beside him.  They stopped.

"What happened to him?" Duo asked.

"He tried to stick his dick up my ass," Heero replied calmly.  "I was explaining to him why he didn't want to do that."

"That doesn't look like explaining to me," Duo remarked, studying the dead man.

"Yeah," agreed Wu-Fei.  "It looks more like hacking, hewing, stabbing, chopping and maybe a little dismemberment."

"I'd have to agree with that," said Duo.  "When were you going to start explaining?"

"I was getting to that, but he foolishly died first."

"I see."

"What were you two doing?"

"Bathing in the river."

"Again?  Didn't you just do that this morning?"

"Yeah, well, that was before we started playing dice with this bunch of hung over knights.  We sort of won all their money and..."

Heero snorted in disgust.  "You guys got gang-banged AGAIN?!"

Wu-Fei looked indignant and pointed an accusing finger at Duo.  "Gambling this early was his idea.  He thought they'd be too nauseous to fuck."

Duo held his hands out to either side with a 'who-me?' expression on his face.  "It seemed like a good idea at the time.  And they didn't all take a turn; some of them were too hung over.  And think of all the money we won!"

"You're an idiot, Duo," Heero growled.  "Why don't you just sell your ass and be done with it?"

Duo lifted his chin disdainfully.  "I wouldn't make as much.  And besides, we almost got away this time."

Heero just shook his head.

"Say Heero," Wu-Fei said brightly, "why don't you start gambling with us?  Then you could explain to them why they need to accept their losses with dignity."

"Hey, yeah!" Duo agreed enthusiastically.  "I like your explanations!"

"And we wouldn't mind paying you for the protection."  Wu-Fei winked at Duo.

Duo giggled.  "We could pay a little in advance right now."

"You haven't had enough already?" said Heero dryly.

"You know we're always in the mood when you are, Heero."

"I can't believe you guys."  Heero looked from one to the other.  "Well, maybe just a quickie."

Duo clapped his hands.  "Oh goody!  I get to be in the middle!"

Wu-Fei pouted.  "You always get to be in the middle."

"You can be in the middle tonight.  Remember, I got that card game lined up for after dinner, when everybody's drunk."  Duo beamed at Heero.  "Heero can come watch."

"And then we can pay him back later," Wu-Fei added with a grin.

"Right!"

Heero just shook his head again.

"So when we're done here," continued Duo, "we're off to the market.  There are a few items I've had my eye on."  He rubbed his hands together gleefully.

Wu-Fei nodded and smiled.  "I wouldn't mind a chat with the blacksmith, myself.  I hear he's very skilled.  I've seen some of his work and it looked pretty good."

Heero frowned.  "What the hell do you need from a blacksmith?"

"You may not mind using these great clunking swords the knights carry, but I need something with a little more grace and finesse.  I've drawn up some diagrams of a proper katana sword and I'm hoping he can make it."

"You're dreaming, Fei."

"A man has to have dreams."

"So…" Duo said, "you weren't just leading us on about the quickie, were you?"

Heero combed his fingers through his hair.  "No, but I should really be going back to the castle for a training session."

"Oh, don't worry about that.  I'm sure Fei and I can get your heart rate up, among other things!"

They each grabbed one of Heero's hands and pulled him to his feet.  "There's a nice little glade back near the river that looked private," said Wu-Fei.

At dinner that night, Trowa's troupe of actors-turned-tumblers made their debut.  The awed silence, punctuated by excited applause, brought a small smile to Trowa's lips.

"These folk are easily impressed," Duo said.  He was contentedly stuffing a last few strips of roast venison into his mouth.  "That's the sort of stuff you do when you're just stretching your muscles."

"Yes, well, they're still learning," Trowa replied.  "But what they have to show right now is still new to everyone here."

"I like it," Quatre said.  "It's a huge improvement over the play they did the first time we saw them.  And they're making some money this time.  Look at all the coins."

"Yeah," Duo groused.  "Coins they should be hoarding for the gambling tonight.  I've got some silk underwear on order."

"Silk?!" Heero nearly choked on his beer.

"It feels good against my skin," Duo replied archly.

"That's creepy."

 "He's just saying that because he doesn't wear any," Wu-Fei snickered.

Heero flushed.

"I don't know," Quatre said, "it sounds kind of comfortable.  How much did it cost?"

"Quatre!" Trowa exclaimed.

"Can we talk about something else?" Heero grumbled.

As it turned out, the knights had not thrown all their money to the performers, but they might as well have, by the time Duo and Wu-Fei were through with them.  Broke again, one of the knights complained he could now not afford companionship and wondered, since he'd found Wu-Fei's company so satisfying before, if he might not be interested in another round or two.

Wu-Fei declined.

The knight was inclined to press the point.

Heero tapped the knight politely on the shoulder.  "I tell you what, Sir, would you be interested in another small wager?"

The knight frowned.  "With what?  He's already got everything I had in my purse."

"I realize that.  But I wouldn't want you to think you had no chance to recoup your losses."  Heero looked around at the other knights.  "Let's arm wrestle.  One throw.  If you win, you and your friends can have all three of us.  If I win, you quit whining and we all go our separate ways."

"Hey-ho, Oswald! That's a fair wager," called out another knight.

"Yes, we're counting on you," laughed a third.  "My interest is fully primed!"

"He's not talking about his interest!" Wu-Fei muttered.

Heero and Oswald sat down at one corner of a table facing each other.  Everyone crowded around to watch, and Duo and Wu-Fei found themselves shoved to the front of the group with big hands resting firmly on their shoulders.

"I think they're worried about us trying to skip out on 'em," Duo whispered.

"It crossed my mind," Wu-Fei whispered back.

"Have faith!  Have you ever known Heero to lose at arm-wrestling?"

"Hah!" exclaimed one knight.  "Your friend is too slight to pose much threat to Oswald.  Look at his arm!"

"Who's calling the start?" Oswald demanded.

He banged his big elbow down on the table and leaned his hand forward with a sharp grin.  Heero had no expression at all as he positioned his own elbow and gripped Oswald's hand.

"You know, I think it might have been better if Oswald was pushing toward the outside edge of the table instead of toward the middle," Duo said casually.

"Why's that?" asked Wu-Fei.

"Begin!" someone cried out, and Heero promptly slammed Oswald's arm down hard against the edge of the table.  There was the sound of bone snapping as Oswald's forearm bent in a place it probably shouldn't have and the edge of the table splintered.  Oswald screamed.

"That's why," said Duo.

Three heartbeats passed with nothing to be heard but Oswald's howls.

"I'll be damned!"

"Did you see that?"

"What the hell?"

"Fetch a surgeon!"

Heero stood up as if nothing unusual had occurred.  "Good night, gentlemen."  He calmly walked away.

Sixteen pairs of eyes stared after him.  Duo and Wu-Fei hurried to catch up.

"You really should have held back a little, Heero," Duo admonished him.

"I did."

"Oh."  Then Duo threw back his head and laughed.  "Silk panties, here I come!"  He slapped Heero on the back.  "I am totally in the mood for a little guy-on-guy!  Remember, we promised to make a sandwich of Fei!"

Sometime later, Trowa knocked on the door to Heero's room and stuck his head in.  "You guys seen Quatre?"

"Ungh!" grunted Heero.

"Ohhhh!" groaned Fei.

"Don't stop!" panted Duo.

"Guys!" Trowa said louder.  "Have any of you seen Quatre?"

"Not… since… dinner…" Wu-Fei gasped out.

"Try that… study… with all the… books," Duo moaned.  "Oh, that's good!"

Trowa shook his head.  "They're like goats," he muttered.  He shut the door and went to try Quatre's study.  Still a few paces away down the hallway, he became alarmed.  Shouts, grunts, and cries of panic could be heard from inside.  Then the door burst open and knights began spilling out, some only partly dressed.

"Don't go in there!" screamed one.  "He's gone insane!"

Trowa pressed up against the wall outside the door and took a quick look inside.  Quatre stood in the middle of the room, minus his pants.  A handful of men cowered against the walls and behind whatever protection they could find.  There were an uncommonly large number of frogs, rodents and poultry climbing around on a distinct excess of furniture.

Quatre pointed a shaking finger at a man trying to hide behind a tapestry.  "Boy-fondling cretin!" he shouted. "Vos imperiti demutare sedecula!" and a bolt of blue lightning shot from his fingertip to envelop the knight.  The man cried out briefly as his form shimmered and melted into an overstuffed footstool.  Quatre pointed at another man.

"Quatre, stop that!" Trowa shouted from the safety of the hallway.

"Rapist!" Quatre cried.  "Vos imperiti demutare mensa!"

Trowa peeked in and saw another man melt into an end table.

"Quatre!  Stop!"

"Vos imperiti transformare rana!"

Don't!"

"Vos imperiti transformare mus muris!"

"That's enough!"

"Vos imperiti transformare pullus!"

"Dammit!"

A frog, a rat and a chicken joined the collection of animals starting to crowd the room.  There was only one terrified knight left.

"Quatre, do NOT turn that man into anything!"

Quatre looked at Trowa, pointed deliberately at the remaining man and intoned loudly, "Vos imperiti demutare riscus!"  The man became a small trunk.

Trowa stepped gingerly into the room and closed the door, to keep the animals from wandering off.  "How do you plan on explaining this?"

"They tried to rape me!"  Quatre lifted enormous blue puppy-dog eyes to Trowa.  "What was I supposed to do?"  His lower lip pushed out and trembled slightly.

"Oh, Quatre." Trowa put an arm around his shoulders and led him to a couch.  He started to sit down and then looked questioningly at Quatre.  "This didn't used to be anybody, did it?"

"No."

Trowa sat and pulled Quatre down into his lap.  "You really shouldn't turn people into things, you know."

"Serves them right," Quatre pouted.  "Anyway, it won't last. They'll turn back in the morning.  I think."

"You think?"

"I'm pretty sure."

Trowa shook his head at Quatre admonishingly.  "You've been very naughty."

"I'm sorry."

"I should spank you."

"Oh, you wouldn't do that, would you?" Quatre asked with round eyes.  "My bottom is bare."

"I know.  That's my favorite kind of spanking."

Quatre giggled.  He straddled Trowa and put his arms around Trowa's neck.  "I like it best if you spank me with a really big, hard stick."

"I think I can accommodate you."