Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Gundam Wing in the Wild Wild West ❯ Riverton ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter 4: Riverton

“I thought the girl at the hotel in Desert Springs said Riverton was a big town,” Duo complained.

“It is bigger,” Trowa pointed out. “I think there are at least six more buildings on the main street.”

“You call it a main street like it's got more than one.”

“There are two cross streets.”

“Those are alleys!”

“They're streets,” Trowa corrected. He pointed to a shadowed, muddy pathway between two buildings. “That crevice there reeking of piss is more of an alley.”

Zechs held his nose. “Are you sure? I thought it was the public lavatory.”

“In French, they'd call it a pissoir,” Treize remarked casually.

Wu-Fei groaned. “I'm never going to the bathroom again.”

“There's the hotel,” Quatre interrupted loudly. “And the public stable is right next door.”

“The hotel looks to be a quality establishment,” Treize noted. “Tucked in tidily between the pissoir and a pile of horse manure; the rooms must be quite aromatic.”

Wu-Fei turned green. “I may not eat until we get back to Mars.”

“Well, that will certainly make it easier to avoid going to the bathroom.”

“Wu-Fei should be the pregnant one,” Duo declared, “he's certainly as queasy as a woman in her first trimester.”

“That's not funny.”

They dismounted in front of the hotel, filling up the hitching rail with their horses.

“I'll go check in,” Quatre said. “Treize, why don't you go find out about the train schedule?”

“All right.”

“We'll go with you.” Zechs took Alexa's hand.

“May I go too, Mama?”

“Sure.”

Roku took Alexa's other hand and the three of them set off down the street with Treize.

“Heero, why don't you and Hadeya find out about boarding our horses at that stable?”

“We should probably just sell them,” Heero grunted. “If we're taking the train to San Francisco, we won't need horses.”

“That's true. But let's wait until after we find out how long we'll be stuck here. I doubt the train goes through here every day.”

“Good point.”

Inside the hotel, there was an immediate feeling of déjà vu.

“Didn't we just check out of this place in Desert Springs?” Duo whispered.

“It does bear a striking resemblance to the last place,” Trowa agreed. “At least the desk clerk is different.”

In fact, the desk clerk was a middle-aged man with a short beard and a decidedly British accent. “Good day, gentlemen!” he trilled. “How may I be of service?”

“We would like four rooms, if you have them, but we don't know for how long,” Quatre replied. “We're planning to take the train to San Francisco.”

“You'll be staying for a week, then. The train is not due until next Wednesday.” The clerk opened an enormous registration book. “Do you mind signing the registry please? I only need one signature for all of you.”

Quatre glanced quickly at Trowa and lifted an eyebrow. Trowa shrugged, so Quatre signed the registry while the clerk retrieved four keys.

“Thank you. Enjoy your stay, gentlemen. Dinner is served at six in the evening.”

Duo groaned. “That's not for an hour! I'm starving!”

“You'll live!” Wu-Fei muttered.

“Let's get our things and get settled in upstairs,” Quatre said. “We can decide over dinner what to do for a week until the train arrives.”

“Have sex?” Duo suggested brightly.

Wu-Fei rolled his eyes.

As they went upstairs, their gear draped over various shoulders, Duo suddenly frowned. “Hey, I just realized that clerk called us gentlemen.”

“So?” Wu-Fei said. “He was being polite.”

“But I'm not a gentleman! I'm a lady!”

“You're still dressed like a man and with those tiny little titties, how is he supposed to tell?”

“My titties aren't tiny!”

“I can hide one with one hand.”

“They're still bigger than yours!”

“That's not saying much.”

“Keep that up and I won't let you play with them.”

“Who says I want to play with them?”

“You were having fun with them last night.”

“They're just a convenient place to hold on when we're…”

“Gentlemen!” Quatre interrupted. “Why don't you have that discussion in your room?” He pointed down the hall where a nicely dressed man and woman were staring at them with scandalized expressions.

Duo grinned sheepishly. “Oh, right! Why don't we just step inside, Fei?” He grabbed Wu-Fei's hand and dragged him into the room.

Quatre put a hand over his face. “We can't take them anywhere.”

“Don't fret, Quatre,” Trowa reassured him. Let's go see how Heero and Hadeya are getting on at the stable.”

The two of them ran into Heero and Hadeya just outside the hotel on their way back from the stable.

“The boarding rate is pretty reasonable if we don't mind the horses being penned up outside with the other nags,” Heero reported. “Although it's extra if we want them to store our tack, too.”

“It doesn't matter,” Quatre shrugged. “Duo's loaded so he can pay for it. It's his fault we're here anyway.”

“His fault?” Heero eyed Quatre. “If I recall, you're the one who turned him into a girl so he could get knocked up in the first place. And if I'm not mistaken, didn't you help get him in that condition?”

Quatre flushed. “He pissed me off! And the rest was just, uh, scientific curiosity.”

“I didn't realize fucking a woman was an intellectual pursuit.”

“You should talk!” Quatre grumbled. “How many does that make for you? Two?”

“Three if we count you.”

“Let's not!”

“Um, Uncle Quatre?” Hadeya spoke up cautiously. “Aren't you and Uncle Trowa, well, um, a couple? Why would you, ah, spend time with Uncle Duo?”

Quatre's flush deepened. “It was just a momentary aberration. And I wasn't the only one!”

“That's true,” Heero remarked. “Trowa screwed him, too.”

“Must you put it so crudely?” Trowa muttered in a pained voice.

“But, doesn't Uncle Trowa just like Uncle Quatre?”

Quatre yanked at his hair. “Duo's a whore, ok? He could seduce a saint! Now can we just drop this?”

“Who's a whore?” Duo exclaimed. “I just innocently suggest a little casual fondling and you animals are all over me.”

“That is so not true!”

Duo chuckled. “I want to find Roku. He'll have some snacks. I need something to tide me over until dinner. I feel nauseous.”

“That reminds me of Zechs and the crackers,” Trowa chuckled. “Remember how freaked out Heimdall got when Roku started pulling crackers out of nowhere?”

“That was pretty funny,” Heero agreed.

“Of course, it was funnier watching him try to sit down after he played strip poker with Duo,” Trowa continued.

Heero snickered.

“I still say he had a really cute bottom,” Duo declared.

“You should know,” Wu-Fei muttered. “You were in it often enough.”

“Oh!” Hadeya gasped. His bright red blush extended from his neck to his hairline.

“Kept that little gem a secret from you, did he?” Trowa chuckled.

“Heimdall never mentioned…” Hadeya began. “Well, Frey implied that Heimdall had enjoyed a, ah, closer relationship with some of you, but he never said… Oh my!”

“We need to get Hadeya laid,” Duo remarked. “He's much too innocent for someone his age.”

“I'm not innocent!” Hadeya said quickly. “I know all about intimate relations between men and women. I just hadn't thought about men being, ah, intimate and, well…”

“And you said you were still a virgin,” Duo finished for him.

“There's nothing wrong with being a virgin!”

“That's right!” Quatre put in. “Someone needs to be a good role model for the children.”

“If you say so,” Duo replied dubiously. He pointed up the street. “Here come the others. Hey, Roku! Got anything to eat?”

Roku trotted ahead of the others. “Sure, Papa Duo. What do you want?”

“Just a snack until dinner. Maybe some bread and cheese, and a roast chicken if you have one, and an apple or two. Something like that.”

Roku began pulling things out of his storage space.

Quatre shook his head. “I don't know what's worse. The fact that Duo considers that a snack or that Roku actually has all that stuff.”

“The train arrives on Wednesday and leaves Thursday,” Treize reported. “I bought tickets for us. The clerk says it takes ten days to get to San Francisco from here, including additional stops.”

Quatre nodded. “The hotel clerk told us the train didn't arrive until next week. We got rooms.”

“So we get to enjoy the hospitality of this fine town for a week,” Zechs grumbled. “Do you suppose they would be open to a discussion of the implementation of outhouses?”

“There's an outhouse in back of the hotel,” Trowa said.

“Too bad no one uses it.”

“I'm sure the women do.”

“You're not helping.”

“Why don't we go in the saloon?” Duo suggested. “It's right there across the street from the hotel. Now that I've had a bite to eat, I wouldn't mind a beer.”

“You're expecting,” Wu-Fei said primly. “You can't have alcohol.”

“What?!”

“It's the price you pay for being promiscuous.”

“Not even one beer?” Duo pouted. “That's not fair.”

“You can drink milk with the kids,” Wu-Fei said.

“Ugh!”

“Milk is good, Papa Duo.”

“Maybe to your innocent young palate.”

“I wouldn't mind a beer,” Heero spoke up. “Let's go.” He led the way though the swinging saloon doors into the dimly lit interior of the saloon.

“I feel like I stepped into an old Western movie,” Zechs muttered.

“But in Smell-o-vision,” Wu-Fei grunted. He wrinkled up his nose and tried to avoid breathing.

“You'll pass out if you keep breathing like that,” Treize said.

“I'll pass out if I keep smelling what I'm smelling.”

“Don't be such a wuss, Fei,” Duo grumbled. “If I have to drink milk, you can smell stale vomit and rancid whiskey.”

Wu-Fei paled. “Thank you so much for putting names to the horrible stench permeating this establishment.”

“You're welcome.”

Heero marched over to the bar. “Do you have milk?”

The barkeep goggled. “Milk? What kind of a place do you think this is?” He sounded offended and scandalized.

“Well, you got anything besides booze here?”

“Well,” the barkeep scratched his head. “I got Sarsaparilla, but that's it.”

“That'll do. I need three of those and seven beers.”

“Coming right up.”

Hadeya, Trowa and Treize helped Heero lug the drinks over to the tables where the others had taken seats. The tables weren't large enough to accommodate the whole group, so they took over two of them. The other occupants of the bar stared at them openly, with varying degrees of amusement and suspicion on their faces.

They had not been there long when a couple of cowboys drifted over to where they were sitting.

“You lot look new around here,” one cowboy drawled casually.

“We're just passing through,” Treize replied.

“Comin' from where?” the other cowboy asked suspiciously.

“Desert Springs.”

The cowboys' eyes narrowed. “We heard they just had a bank robbery up in those parts.”

“They did.”

“You seem to know somethin' about it.”

Treize sighed. “Because we were just there,” he replied patiently. “That's why we know about it.”

The cowboys scratched their heads while they assimilated this information.

“So, you know about the robbery because you were in Desert Springs.”

“That's right.”

“But you had nothin' to do with it.”

“Correct.”

“You talk like a lawyer,” the second cowboy growled. “I hate lawyers.” He looked Treize up and down. “You look like one, too. You some kinda lawyer?” His hand landed casually on the gun resting in his holster.

“You might say I'm more of a politician.”

“Politicians is just lawyers in fancier clothes!” the cowboy exclaimed. He yanked his gun from his holster, but froze before he had the barrel completely free. Heero was suddenly standing right next to him with the business end of his gun jammed against the side of the cowboy's head.

“You might want to reconsider that,” Heero grunted.

“I reckon so,” the cowboy agreed nervously. He made a great show of shoving his gun back into the holster and raising his hands.

“You guys aren't being very polite,” Heero continued. “I give lessons in politeness, but I'm told I can be a bit rough. Sometimes my students can't walk afterward. Or breathe.”

The cowboy paled.

“Do you need some lessons?”

“No sir, I don't believe I do!”

“What about you?” Heero glared at the other cowboy. That fellow took a step back and held up his hands, too.

“No sir! Not me, neither!”

“Good.” Heero holstered his pistol. “I think maybe you owe us a round of drinks.”

“That sounds fair!” the cowboys agreed hastily. They dashed for the bar.

Heero resumed his seat.

After a moment, a nattily dressed gentleman rose from a nearby table and strolled over to them. He inclined his head politely, tipping his hat to Treize.

“Good day, Sir! I am Hieronymus Gree, a gentleman of means. Let me start by saying, I intend no disrespect for anyone in your party, so please keep your watchdog on his leash.” He grinned at Heero. “I daresay his bite is every bit as savage as his bark.”

“Keep talking and you'll find out,” Heero growled.

“Now, now!” Hieronymus held up his hands disarmingly. “I came to offer you gentlemen an opportunity to pass the time in a more meaningful way than drinking the local brew. Are any of by any chance card players?”

Duo immediately came to attention. “Is your offer only open to gentlemen?” he purred. He batted his eyes sweetly. “I used to enjoy genteel card games in the parlor with my dear maiden aunts.”

“Why of course, dear lady!” Hieronymus said smoothly. With a gallant flair, he clasped Duo's hand and gave it a gentlemanly kiss. “Please join us.”

Duo giggled girlishly. “Why, sir!” He pulled his hand away. “You'll make me blush!”

“That is the most shameless display I've ever seen,” Wu-Fei muttered under his breath. “He's going to leave that man with nothing but his long johns.”

“Hopefully, he'll leave the long johns,” Quatre murmured back.

So Treize and Duo joined Hieronymus at his table. The card game quickly attracted other players and soon four more men were crowded around the table playing poker. Duo flirted outrageously throughout the game.

“Being a woman gives Duo an unfair advantage,” Wu-Fei remarked. “Those men are actually buying his sweet young thing routine.”

“It's their own fault,” Quatre replied. “They should know better than to let something like that distract them during a card game.”

“True.”

“They also shouldn't be drinking whiskey while he's just having root beer,” Heero added.

“I doubt it will make much difference,” Zechs said. “Duo would clean them out even if they were cold sober and not staring at his chest.”

“Also true.”

“Is anyone else besides Duo winning?”

“Yes, Hieronymus has taken a far number of hands,” Trowa said. “In fact, I'd say he's cheating pretty well since Duo hasn't called him on it.”

“He's cheating?” Hadeya asked in surprise.

“Yup, but he's good at it. No one seems to have noticed.”

Hadeya watched Hieronymus carefully. “Then how can you tell he's cheating?”

“I'm a circus performer,” Trowa replied cheerfully. “Card tricks are a piece of cake.”

Suddenly, one of the players jumped to his feet with a shout. “Damn it! Yer a cheatin' sonuvabitch!” He yanked out his gun and pointed it at Hieronymus. “Empty yer pockets!”

“I don't know what you're talking about, Sir!” Hieronymus exclaimed. “I have nothing in my pockets!”

“Just turn `em out!”

“Oh dear!” Duo exclaimed abruptly. “I think I'm going to be sick!” and he barfed all over the table.

With disgusted exclamations, the other players leaped up and backed away from. The gunman was knocked backwards and Hieronymus took the opportunity to scoop up his winnings, even the bills with barf on them, and make a dash for the exit.

“Hey!” the gunman scrambled to his feet and dashed after him. The other players exchanged glances and then divvied up the gunman's forgotten stash before scurrying away.

Treize, who had neatly swept his and Duo's money into his lap the instant before Duo blew chunks, calmly rose and handed the cash to Duo. “Honor among thieves, Duo? You let Hieronymus cheat and then made good his escape.”

Duo chuckled. “It's always fun trying to out-cheat a cheater. And he was pretty good.” He patted his stomach. “But now I'm hungry again. It must be time for dinner. We should go back to the hotel.” He patted Roku on the head as the group pushed out through the swinging half-doors of the saloon. “Sorry for wasting your snack, Roku, but I couldn't think of anything else on such short notice.”

“That's ok, Papa Duo. I've got more.”

“Good lad.”