Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Gundam Wing Meets Trading Spaces! ❯ Gundam Wing Meets Trading Spaces ( One-Shot )

Gundam Wing Does Trading Spaces

Xiao: (runs past, chasing an insanely hyper Nayru with a net) We tried to stop her!

Ran-Ran: (ditto) She's a psycho!

Xiao: While we catch our root-beer-jacked authoress, enjoy this insanity!

Nayru: (skipping, humming "Another Postcard", wearing a huge smile as her half-cat muses ramble behind her)

Disclaimer: THIS was the idea of Kate, Cat, D, Tia, Holly, Lil (can't quite recall which one, they're all fangirl authoresses), and a bottle of root beer (but this was a big factor in it). My muses gave me all sorts of evil ideas, and some more root beer gave me the energy to do this. Gundam Wing and Trading Spaces are NOT mine. They belong to rich people. Duet.... well, she's.... uh... not really mine either. Duet is the generic name used for a variety of Duo-like females. Kate, Cat, D, Tia, Holly, and Lil will enjoy this. The characters may seem slightly OOC, they are merely parodies of what they are in the series combined with the effects of... you guessed it, root beer. This represents a satire of actual people. Hildi may or may not be on crack, it's really none of my business. As to whether or not Quatre is gay and likes Ty, or if Duo and Wufei are lovers, those are just my views and things I would find fitting, and this is how I express that. Dammit, I'm out of root beer... Please excuse the crappiness of this fic. Oh, and any references made to Love Hina.... Love Hina's not mine.

Paige bounces onscreen, looking annoyingly bouncy as usual.

Paige: Hi everyone! Today, we're heading into-

At this point, a throwing knife skims by her head. Paige screams and runs for it. Trowa steps onscreen.

Trowa: Uhm... good morning. I will be standing in for Amy today, and our lovely cameragirl Duet will stand in for... all the other camerapeople, as we head to an... undisclosed location to remodel two houses owned by four young men.

The camera pans over two houses, side by side. Heero and Quatre stand on the sidewalk to one house, and Duo and Wufei stand next to eachother on the other, and all but Heero are grinning. Wufei is more than likely doing something naughty to Duo as we look on, but we can't tell.

Trowa: (v/o) These are Heero and Quatre, they are both fifteen, and they're roommates... I think. Their jobs are... uhm... undisclosed, and- (Heero takes out a gun) uhm, Heero, please put that away... And in our second house are Duo and Wufei! They are... uhm... can't read this, but I'm pretty sure it says male lovers... and they're both fifteen. Their jobs are also undisclosed. Now, what they don't know is that we are going to send our team of... (the camera pans to Ty, Amy, Hildi, and Frank) .... this is a team? What the Deathscythe Hell?! Where're all the others?! You guys friggin suck!

Ty: Uhm... well, after you threw that knife at Paige, we were the only ones left. More than anything, because we were chained to the ground here.

Trowa: (v/o) ... oops... Well anyway, these... four will be helping these four gentlemen redesign one room in their houses! (The camera shows a view of a messy dining room. The table has bright red checks, the chairs are vibrant blue, the carpet is dog crap brown with questionable stains on it. The walls are a nasty straw color, and the window curtains are vivid pink.) This is Duo and Wufei's dining room. It's a damned mess. We're going to have Ty and Frank fix this place up a little! (The camera now shows a view of a living room. The wall is painted light blue. The furniture is patterned in pink and purple flowers, the tables are brown wood, and there's a large black television. The floor is white pine wood.) This is Quatre and Heero's living room! Hildi and Amy will be attempting to make it a little nicer.... may God have pity on their souls. Let's get started!

The camera shows a shot of the sidewalk between the two houses. Quatre and Heero walk up the sidewalk in their Trading Spaces shirts, which are bright pink. Heero looks grumpy, and he is obviously fingering his gun in his pocket. Quatre is obviously excited. Duo and Wufei come from the other sidewalk. They're dressed in what used to be ridiculously bright green shirts, but which have been dyed black, with some of the green showing on the collars. Trowa runs up to them.

Trowa: Hey dudes.

Heero: Hn. (He does NOT want to be here.)

Wufei: Hi! (He's smiling widely. Cat holds a little sign over him reading "He screwed last night.")

Duo: Hiiiiiiii! (He's also grinning widely. D holds a sign over him reading "He got screwed.")

Quatre: Hi everyone! Isn't it a lovely day-

Trowa: For redecorating your ugly houses? Just right, Quatre!

Quatre: ... Ty now?

Trowa: ... No. Not yet.

Quatre: Damn.

Trowa: For the next forty-eight hours, our... team will be assisting you in decorating each other's homes. Duo and Wufei, you

will redecorate Quatre and Heero's living room.

Heero: (drops to his knees, prays) Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou...

Quatre: Don't get rid of my couch. (he looks at Trowa) Ty now?

Heero: Hellnohellnohellnohellno... (D holds up a little sign reading "He hates flower print.")

Trowa: And Quatre and Heero, you will redo Duo and Wufei's dining room.

Duo: (wide eyes) Hey!

Wufei: (put out) Are you saying our dining room is ugly?

Trowa: ... yes.

Wufei: ... injustice...

Quatre: .... Ty now?

Trowa: ... And here are your helpers! (Ty and Frank run up to Heero and Quatre from seemingly nowhere. Amy and Hildi come

from a different nowhere, and join Duo and Wufei)

Quatre: (blinks, looks at Ty)

Ty: (looks at Quatre, grins)

Frank: ... I can see our team will not be getting much work done.

Hildi: (looks at Duo and Wufei, giggles) Hiiii booooooys!

Duo: ... You're on crack. Barton, this is YOUR fault.

Trowa: (smirks evilly) Heero, give me your gun. (Heero pouts, but hands over his gun.) And now it's time for you all to begin your projects... Now get outta my face! (Quatre drags Ty away, Heero and Frank follow, into Wufei and Duo's house. Hildi drags the panicked Duo and Wufei into Quatre and Heero's house. Trowa looks left, looks right, takes a bottle of vodka from his coat, and sips from it. He glares at the cameraman.) Duet, turn that goddamn camera off!

Duet: (off-camera) Hang on a sec, I'm workin on it, it is this but- (the camera goes black)

Duo, Wufei, Amy, and Hildi, are shown standing in Quatre and Heero's living room. Hildi is smiling excitedly. Duo is looking around. Wufei is neutral, and Amy looks bored.

Hildi: I say we start by getting rid of this wall paper, and using some different material on it!

Wufei: What would you have in mind?

Hildi: Something cheap, yet attractive! We only have a thousand dollars. I'll go get a sample. (she runs off)

Amy: ... You know she's on crack, right?

Duo: Thank you for pointing that out, Captain Obvious. I said that earlier. (Hildi returns with a big bag. She dumps it out on

the floor.) Toilet paper. Sixty rolls... of toilet paper. (He glares at Hildi.)

Wufei: Do we get a choice here?

Hildi: Of course! You get to choose what shade of white we color it! And you get to choose the color of glitter we put on it,

too!

Duo: (scowls) Oi vey... (Cat holds a little sign over his head reading "He's wondering where she gets her crack, and if he can have some.")

Wufei: (thinks) Amy... you're the carpenter, right? What are your ideas for those mismatched brown tables?

Amy: Well, if we stained them, they'd make nice frames...

Wufei: Can I help you on that? The whole time? (D holds up a little sign reading "He likes the way the stain smells. It has nothing to do with the fact that he thinks Hildi's a freak.")

Hildi: No! Leave the carpenting to the carpenter! Boys, we are gonna make this room SHINE!

Wufei: (groans)

Hildi: Now let's start moving this furniture out. (Amy carries the tables out, Duo and Wufei get the couches out, and Hildi accidentally-on-purpose bashes the TV into a pile of trash) Oopsiedoodle...

The camera cuts to Quatre, Heero, Ty, and Frank staring at Duo and Wufei's dining room in disgust.

Heero: Okay, I move we torch it. All for blowing it up?

Ty, Quatre, and Frank: Aye.

Ty: Wait, we only have one thousand dollars. Let's salvage what we can first.

Frank: This wall paper can probably be painted. The rug has to go. The chairs and table should be done to match the walls.

Ty: And the carpet should match the curtains. (Heero and Frank both give him an odd look. Ty points out the bright pink curtains.)

Heero and Frank: Ah.

Quatre: Can we paint the walls pink?

Heero: NO.

Ty: How about a nice purple? (He holds up a bucket of purple paint)

Quatre: Works for me.

Heero: (scowls)

Ty: Quatre, would you like to be my helper? (he smiles at Quatre cutely)

Quatre: Yes sir! (he smiles back) What can I do?

Ty: You and I will be doing the painting, while those two do the carpeting. We'll paint the chairs and table purple to start,

while they get rid of this trash!

Heero and Frank: (think evil thoughts. Tia pops up, holding a sign reading "They're wondering if they've somehow landed on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.")

Quatre: Sure! (Quatre and Ty take the chairs and table out, and remove the ceiling lamp)

Heero: (looks at the carpet) ... Can we torch it now?

Frank: ... Get the gasoline and a lighter.

The camera cuts again to inside Quatre and Heero's living room. Duo and Wufei are dipping toilet paper in glitter, and then into glue. Hildi is erratically spreading it on the wall as they hand it to her, in a swirling pattern. Duo takes a packet out of his pocket, and empties the contents into the back of Hildi's pants as she bounces around, putting toilet paper on the wall. Trowa enters the room. He looks around.

Trowa: ... My God... (He leaves quickly. Holly and Tia push him back in. They both eagerly wave at the camera, before running offscreen again.) Dammit... uh... what are you guys doing?

Wufei: Putting toilet paper on the walls.

Trowa: ... Sounds... lovely... (he's obviously trying not to twitch.)

Duo: And those ugly brown tables are being turned into picture frames. And... (He points at the mess of the smashed TV.)

that pile of weird art is going to be spray-painted silver and framed.

Trowa: Wait, where's their TV?

Duo and Wufei: (think, and simultaneously glare at Hildi)

Hildi: ... Oopsiedoodle...

Trowa: ... (points at Hildi accusingly) You're on crack!

Duo and Wufei: No shit, Sherlock!

Ty and Quatre are painting the table. Unfortunately, since they are standing on opposite sides of the table, they undo each other's work as they go along. Finally, Quatre gets frustrated, and dumps paint on the table. Ty glares at Quatre. Quatre gives him an innocent look. Ty smiles nervously, and tries to get some of the paint dripping off the table top onto the chairs. Quatre covers the table in Saran wrap, and puts it where the sun would hit it. They start painting the chairs. Trowa approaches.

Trowa: Cute. (He takes a sip of vodka from the bottle.) What do you two have going on over here?

Quatre: We're repainting these tables.

Ty: Isn't this purple a lovely shade?

Trowa: Love-(hic)-ly. (He takes another sip from the bottle.)

Quatre: Trowa, you shouldn't be drinking while you're doing a show.

Trowa: Bite me. Where's Heero and Frank?

Ty: Inside, removing the carpet. (Cue loud explosion.)

Trowa: ... I see. I'll go check that out. (Trowa walks inside to the dining room. Heero and Frank are standing outside the flaming dining room carpet, roasting weiner dogs over the fire.) Creative way of getting rid of the carpet.

Heero: It's sterile now.

Trowa: ... wonderful... What will you put down in place?

Frank: We have no idea... yet. But we're considering buying some cheap pink matting we saw in a catalog. It matches their

curtains, and the whole package is about six hundred, for a room this small.

Trowa: Whoop-de-friggin-doo. Do you have any vodka?

Frank: ... no.

Trowa: DIE! (he storms off.)

Heero: ... I'm sending him to AA next week.

Frank: I'm sure you're proud.

The camera cuts back to Duo, Wufei, and Hildi. The time displayed on the bottom of the camera is "9:00 pm."

Duet: Shit! (The time display disappears)

Hildi: (starts scratching her butt) Huh?

Duo: (snickers)

Hildi: That's weird. Suddenly, I'm very itchy! Ooh, but THAT gives me an idea!

Duo: Crap.

Amy: (reenters, looking bored as usual) I made a frame. (she holds up a five foot-by-three foot frame) But we don't have a proper picture or piece of art to put in it.

Wufei: I think I've got an idea. If I could run to my house-

Amy: No, you can't! That's against the rules! I can run and get it for you. Where is it?

Duo: You're not going to give her-

Wufei: It's at the back of the closet. Bound with a rubber band. (He and Duo both chuckle.)

Amy: ... what's in the picture? (Wufei whispers into her ear. She giggles.) Ooh... (She leaves.)

Hildi: Anyway, here's my idea; we get rid of these nasty couch covers... and turn them into carpet!

Duo and Wufei: (make faces similar to O_O. Lil holds a sign over his head reading "They like those couch covers." She then holds up a sign reading "OMFG! Cameo!")

Duo: ... So... you're going to turn Quatre's couch into a pile of matresses. And use the pink-and-purple flower design as a rug.

Hildi: Yup!

Wufei: ... Give me your crack, woman.

The camera cuts to a fast-motion scene, depicting Duo, Wufei, and Hildi stripping the couch. Hildi then tosses it onto the floor, and begins to cut it into shapes. Duo and Wufei spread the shapes out on the wood floor.

Hildi: Okay! That looks sooooooo beautiful!

Wufei: Yeah, but what do we do with their couch now?

Hildi: ... Uuuuuhhhmmmmm...

Wufei: ... Can I have your crack now?

Heero and Frank are still roasting weiners over the flaming carpet in Duo and Wufei's dining room.

Heero: Should we put it out now?

Frank: Aw, but the weiners are almost done.

Heero: Sucks for you. (tosses a bucket of water onto the fire.) And remember kids, only YOU can prevent carpet fires.

Frank: ... Okaaaaay...

Heero: So where's that pink padding?

Frank: In the truck; I bought it yesterday. Go get it. I'll sweep out these ashes.

Heero: (raises an eyebrow) Sure, no prob. (he wanders out to Frank's truck. He pulls out a roll of pink shag rug, and a bong rolls out from underneath it.) ... Hey, waitaminute... (Heero turns the camera off.)

Duet: (v/o, as the camera turns back on) -ro, you can't do that while you're supposed to be redecorating someone's house!

Heero: (obviously irritated) Give me that! (He pounces at Duet.)

Ty and Quatre are painting the chairs; for what we can see, as someone's fingers are covering the camera. Quatre looks at the camera.

Quatre: Tro, move your hand back.

Trowa: (v/o) Sure. (The fingers vanish.) Can't wait til we find where Duet went...

Quatre: So Ty, what do we do next?

Ty: We'll finish them once the paint's dried!

Quatre: How long will that take?

Ty: Not sure. Maybe about... six hours?

Quatre: Really? I think the table might be dry...

Ty: Hm... wanna find out? (He gives Quatre a wink.)

Quatre: Yeah, let's test it out! (He bounces up and down excitedly.)

Trowa: My God... I'm not filming this...

Quatre and Ty: PERVERT!

Ty: We're not gonna test it out like tha- (Trowa turns the camera off.)

(Real Brief Authoress' Note: What, you expected yaoi?)

Duet: (holding the camera to face herself) Okay, I'm alive. And... uh... HI! (She waves into the camera.) I'm going to check on Duo, Wufei, and Hildi now. (She turns the camera around.)

Duo, Wufei, and Hildi are spray painting parts of the broken TV. Duo looks irritated, Wufei looks pissed, and Hildi looks happy... as per usual.

Duo: How much money do we have left?

Hildi: About four hundred, after the two hundred rolls of toilet paper, paint, some stock, and... personal equipment.

Wufei: Put two hundred away to get them a new TV.

Duo: And no more crack.

Hildi: And then two hundred left over! Yay!

Duo and Wufei: (glare at her a little.)

Hildi: Oh, but look at the time! It's almost eleven o'clock! You boys should go to bed! I'll sleep in here.

Duo: Fiiiiine... (He and Wufei leave the room. Hildi goes out a different exit. The camera pans the room. The walls are covered in glittery toilet paper, swirling around. The wooden floor has patches of flower patterned fabric on it. The couch has been stripped of its covers, and has been reduced to green sofa mattresses on wooden frames. There are pieces of TV laid everywhere. The room looks worse than before, even without the tables.)

Quatre and Ty reenter the room. Heero and Frank are cutting the rug and padding to match it.

Ty: Great! We're getting somewhere! How much money do we have left?

Frank: Three hundred.

Quatre: That's it?!

Heero: Where'd it all go?

Ty: Paint, finish, stain, and that rug.

Quatre: Oh. Yeah, it's late, and we should finish for tonight. But Duo and Wufei only have three places to sleep.

Heero: I dibs the couch. And Frank can have the other couch.

Ty: I guess you and I share the bed, Quatre. (Quatre's eyes light up.)

Quatre: Sure!

Heero: Yech... Frank, I'll show you their couch. (He leads Frank out of the room. Ty and Quatre leave through another exit. The

camera pans the room. There is no furniture other than cabinets on the wall, and the floor is bare. The curtains are gone as well to be protected. The table and chairs are outside, and the pink paint on them is drying. The room is empty, and God knows if that is a good or bad thing.)

END DAY ONE.

Cat, D, Tia, Holly, Lil, and Kate all can can for the audience, until Zechs pushes them off camera.

BEGIN DAY TWO.

The camera turns on in Quatre and Heero's house. The time display reads 4:00AM, before Duet switches it off. Hildi sneaks into Duo and Wufei's room. Hildi slams the door open.

Hildi: HI! (Duo and Wufei are snuggled up. Aaaw.)

Duo: (snaps awake) WHA-

Wufei: WOMAN!

Hildi: (laughs insanely) Wakey-wakey! (runs out)

Duo: DAMMIT, YOU'RE ON CRACK!

The camera switches to Duo and Wufei's house. Heero is knocking on Quatre and Ty's room door.

Heero: Guys? It's almost ten in the morning. Get up.

Ty: No...

Quatre: Just a little longer.

Heero: I'm coming in there.

Ty and Quatre: We're coming!

Heero: (blinks a few times, and walks away.)

The camera goes back to Quatre and Heero's living room. Duo and Wufei are glaring at Hildi. Amy is leaned against a wall, bored. Duo scowls.

Duo: Can I make a suggestion?

Hildi: Yeeeeees?

Duo: Well, since Amy only cut up one of the tables, we should repaint the other one for a TV stand.

Hildi: OH MY GOOOOOOD! (she glomps onto Duo) THAT'S THE GREATEST IDEA EVER! (she sobs, hugging Duo) I LOVE YOU, MAN!

Duo: ... I swear to god, she's on crack.

Amy: Let's just take this outside. We'll shorten the legs on the table.

The group wanders outside, Duo and Wufei carrying the table.

Heero and Frank are painting the wall purple. Heero looks insanely bored. After a minute, he flicks paint into Frank's hair. Frank scowls.

Frank: Bastard. (He flings paint at Heero's shirt. It hits his face.)

Heero: Dammit! (He flicks paint at him, it hits Frank on his chest.)

Frank: Bring it on! (They fling paint at each other. Purple paint ends up spattered on the cabinets, carpet, windows, and everything else. The room is officially spotted purple.)

Heero and Frank: (both covered in purple paint): ...

Frank: Whoa...

Heero: Awesome.

Duo, Wufei, Hildi, and Amy are outside. Hildi has a chainsaw. Amy looks bored. Duo and Wufei are obviously waiting for Hildi to screw up.

Hildi: (looking overly excited) Let's get started!

Trowa: (wanders on camera, weaving slightly) What are you (hic) iiiiiiijots doing?

Duo: Oh, wonderful.

Amy: What?

Wufei: Our host is drunk...

Duo: The designer is on crack...

Wufei: And our carpenter over there is probably on depressants!

Amy: ... Am not.

Wufei: Are too!

Amy: Am not.

Wufei: Are too!

Trowa: Hey, hey... you're supposed to (hic) be making fun of Hildi.

Duo: Oh yeah.

Wufei: Right.

Hildi: Yeah! .... wait, what?

Amy: ... Hildi, continue waving the chainsaw around in an unruly manner.

Hildi: Okily-dokily! (she waves the chainsaw around in [indeed] an unruly manner.)

Amy: ... Turn it on.

Hildi: OKAY! (she turns the chainsaw on, and continues to wave it around in an unruly manner.)

Duo: ... This is gonna get good.

Hildi: (saws half of one table leg off, then half off the other, half off the other, and cuts three-fourths of the last one off.) Whoopsie-doodle!

Duo and Wufei: (facethwap)

Amy: (big, exaggerated sigh) Fix it.

Hildi: Yes'm! (She puts the chainsaw down, and starts to fix the messed up table leg. At this point, the chainsaw decides to go haywire and chases Hildi around) EEK! (she runs like hell from the mad chainsaw.) HELP ME! HELP ME!

Duo: ... Nah. (Duo, Wufei, and Amy sit back and watch Hildi run for her life.)

Ty and Quatre are putting finish on the table. Ty is leaned over Quatre, showing him how to move his hands properly.... or so he says.

Ty: Wax on, wax off. Just like Karate Kid, Q! Wax on, wax off!

Quatre: (smiling, following his hand) Wax on, wax off!

Trowa: (v/o) Mmm, oh yeah...

Ty: Left and right, back and forth.

Quatre: Left... right... back... forth...

Trowa: (v/o) Oh yeah, baby, yeaaah...

Quatre: (looks off-camera) Trowa, is that necessary?

Trowa: (v/o) ... Yeah!

Ty: ... Go away.

Quatre: Aw, let him have his fun.

Trowa: (v/o) Yeah, I wanna have fun!

Ty: ... my god...

Quatre: Can we continue finishing now?

Ty: Of course, Q! (he and Quatre continue finishing, with Ty leaned onto Quatre slightly more than before. We notice Cat and D photographing them, barely onscreen.)

Duo, Wufei, and Amy are still watching Hildi get chased by the chainsaw. The clock on the camera reads 5:20 PM, before Duet shuts it off again.

Duet: Damn stupid camera...

Amy: Should we unplug it now?

Duo: Aw, just a little longer?

Amy: ... No. (unplugs the chainsaw. The chainsaw stops in its tracks.)

Hildi: (looks at the chainsaw, cries) It's DEAD! OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED IT!

Duo and Wufei: (scowl slightly)

Duo: ... that's pathetic....

Hildi: (wails) We have to hold a funeral!

Wufei: For Christ's sake!

Hildi: Exactly!

Duo, Wufei, and Amy: UGH! (Wufei, Duo, and Amy carry the table and its pieces inside, while Hildi holds mass for the chainsaw.)

Amy: Since our designer is distraught, we're going to paint this table ourselves. Nice, quiet, spraypainting. Hildi chose the color. (she gives them each a bottle of spray paint, and they start painting the table bright neon pink. Duo and Wufei look unhappy throughout the high speed sequence showing the table being painted and varnished.)

Hildi: (jumps in right as they finish spraypainting with a bucket) That looks great! I can make it look better! (she dumps a complete bucket of glitter onto the table.)

Duo and Wufei: (moan)

Hildi: (giggles insanely)

Duo: Dammit... you are on crack.

(They put the table back into position, and put a new TV on it. Hildi grabs a mallet, but Amy restrains her from mauling the new TV. Hildi looks around the room, grinning)

Hildi: Wow! This room looks great! Now all we have to do is fix the couches.

Duo: How do you propose we do that?

Hildi: With three cans of bright green paint. (she giggles.)

Wufei: Oh, God no...

Heero and Frank are desperately trying to get some of the purple paint off the cabinets. They're using a bucket of white paint remover and sponges.)

Heero: Is there any better way to do this?

Frank: Yes... yes there is... (he looks at Heero's hair, smirking meanly)

Heero: ... Oh no.... (Frank covers the camera. When the camera is cleared, we see Heero's hair being used as a paintbrush.

Frank is holding Heero under his arm, horizontally, and controlling his head with the other hand. Heero looks peeved.)

Frank: Is this better?

Heero: NO. (looks pissed)

Frank: Well, it works great! The fluffiness and texture of your hair make it a great paint brush!

Heero: Oh, shut up! .... Move my head more to the left, it's quite therapeutic.

Frank: No problemo. This will make great texturing! (At that point, Ty and Quatre reenter, carrying the table.)

Quatre: (gasps in shock) Heero!

Ty: Oh my... (He's staring more at the paint on the cabinets than Heero being used as a paintbrush.)

Heero: Is my hair turning funny colors?

Quatre: It's a lovely shade of pink, Heero.

Heero: Greeeeeat...

Hildi is joyfully throwing paint all over the couches. The paint is neon green, and the ugliest thing. Amy, Duo, and Wufei are leaned against the wall, rubbing their foreheads in various degrees of disgust and annoyance.

Duo: I swear to Shinigami or whatever god there is... she's on crack.

Amy: I believe that in her religion, they call God 'Bob Marley'.

Wufei: HA! HAHAHA! Aheh... (he looks down after his outburst.)

Duo: Dear, you've been taking lessons from that one. (gestures to Hildi.)

Ty and Quatre are putting the furniture back. Heero has his head in the sink, desperately trying to get paint remover out of his hair. Frank is rehanging the curtains.

Frank: Okay then, put the chairs on either side... Now, with the last of our money, I got a few little touch-ups for the room. (he

reaches into a bag and takes out a few blue vases with fake flowers in them) These will go nicely around the room.

Quatre: But they're tacky.

Frank: Sucks to be the poor saps who live here. I hope they like pink and purple as much as you guys do.

Heero: (snickers evilly) Oh, trust me, they don't.

Frank: Come again?

Quatre: Truthfully, we decided to give them a room they'd loathe. Their wild animal sex sounds keep us up all night.

Heero: (wrings his hair out) I just hope Duo and Wufei don't do the same to us. (he ruffles his hair) Is it still pink?

Ty: Yes.

Quatre: Yes.

Frank: No, it's purple now.

Heero: Dammit!

Duo and Wufei are painting neon pink roses onto Quatre and Heero's couches. Amy is putting the poster into the picture frame. She finishes, and covers it with a white sheet before propping it against the wall. Hildi is nowhere in sight.

Duo: Maybe they'll like this.

Wufei: Doubt it.

Duo: But Quatre loves flower print.

Wufei: I don't think this is what he meant.

Duo: I can't even start to imagine what they've done to our kitchen.

Trowa: (walks in, obviously drunk as a skunk. He strikes a thug pose) Whatchoo foolz doin?

Duo: Oh my God, Gangsta Trowa.

Trowa: Fo'shizzle.

Wufei: (clears his throat) We be finishizzle, ma nizzle. Have you seen Hildi, ma bizzle?

Trowa: Hell naw.

Duo: What are you, Mr. T?!

Trowa: Fo'shizzle ma nizzle!

Duo and Wufei: (groan)

Amy: Could you two help me? This thing is unwieldy.

Duo: Sure. (he and Wufei help Amy put the framed and covered poster up on the wall.) We'll reveal it when those poor saps get in here.

Trowa: Fo' rizzle, though... yo tizzle is up, fo'shizzle.

Duo: Ah, fo'rizzle?

Trowa: (nods) Yup.... izzle. Yupizzle. (he nods again)

Amy: Is he usually this stupid?

Duo: No, he's usually quieter.

Wufei: Then again, he's usually not drunk.

Amy: Yeah yeah, let's clean up and hit the sack. (Duo and Wufei both snicker for no apparent reason, or perhaps one only extreme hentais will get.)

The next morning, with Quatre, Ty, Heero, and Frank sitting in the redesigned kitchen, eating breakfast. Heero's hair is still tinged purple. Quatre is flicking at Ty's hair. Ty is smiling widely. Frank looks bored. They hear distinct sounds outside the window, and they all look out to see none other than some random guy with a jetpack.

Frank: The hell...?

RGWAJ: DUDES! COME ON!

Heero: (leans out the window) What do you want? And who the hell are you?

RGWAJ: I'm Bubbles! Come on dudes, you have to go check out your living room!

Quatre: Bubbles...?

Bubbles: And then 'Fei and Duo gonna see what you've done to their kitchen!

Ty: Bubbles...?

Bubbles: Yeah! Won't it be awesome!

Heero: .... what the hell kind of name is Bubbles?

Bubbles: ROCK ON! DUDES! (He flies off)

The film cut suddenly looks more like a home movie than a professional cameraman. We see a female figure in a samurai outfit sneak into Heero and Quatre's house, wielding an enormous, sharp looking scythe. A katana is in her belt, next to a set of throwing knives. Her braid is long like Duo's. Kate turns the camera onto herself, grinning manically.

Kate: I was promised by the insane moron writing this that I'd get my 'druthers in this fic! I think we all know what I'm about to

do... Cue awesome fighting music! (Sakura Saku starts playing in the background) ... Good enough. (Kate bursts into Hildi's room. Hildi screams, and runs from Kate.) Hold still!

Hildi: EEK! EEK! HELP! (Kate throws all her knives at Hildi, pinning her to a wall. She then high-kicks Hildi in the chest, knocking down the wall. She then takes a bazooka out.)

Kate (in an excessively cheerful voice): Target in sight! Fire when ready! (She fires three rounds at Hildi, who is running around like a headless chicken, screaming. She causes explosions behind Hildi, blasting her into walls. Hildi runs down the hall in hopes of escape, but Kate is faster. She draws her katana and gets in front of Hildi.) Special Hidden Tornado Technique! (She blasts Hildi through three walls with a whirlwind caused by her katana. Hildi lands on the front lawn, and Kate steps on her chest, scythe drawn.)

Hildi: PLEASE SPARE ME! I'M JUST AN INNOCENT DESIGNER!

Kate: HAHAHAHAHAHA! NEVER! You showed no mercy to those poor, poor people whose rooms you designed and... you know what? Screw the overly-dramatic speech, DIE, CRACK-WHORE-BITCH DIE! BLEEEEEEEEED!!!!!!!!

Tia: (steps on camera) Sorry, folks, we're out of film! (Kate lifts the scythe over her head and Hildi just as the home movie tape cuts off.)

The camera taping returns to normal, and we see Heero and Frank exiting Duo and Wufei's house. Duo, Wufei, and Amy come out of Quatre and Heero's house.

Amy: Hi you two. Where's Ty and the blonde one?

Heero: No idea. I think they said something about wanting to fix up Duo and Wufei's bed a little.

Duo and Wufei: (makes faces similar to O_O)

Frank: Come on, Heero, we can go without the blonde one. Wait, where's Hildi?

Duo: Don't know...

Wufei: Don't remotely care...

Trowa: (wanders up) Okay, just... go look at your homes.... (he's obviously got a nasty headache)

Heero: Without Quatre?

Trowa: YES.

Heero: ... (smirks) Q now?

Trowa: GO!!!!

Heero: Alright already.... (he and Frank go into his house. Duo, Wufei, and Amy go into Duo and Wufei's house.)

Simultaneously, a minute later, three cries of the same phrase reverbated across the neighborhood. That phrase was:

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAVE YOU FREAKING DONE TO MY HOUSE?!

Duo and Wufei are staring in horror at their now entirely-pink-and-purple kitchen. Duo looks like he's gone into shock, and Wufei is shaking with rage.

Wufei: How could those bastards do this!

Duo: (sobbing) I'll b-b-b-b-b-bet this was alllllllll Q's idea!

Wufei: You're right! QUATRE RABERBA WINNER! I'M GOING TO TRACK YOU DOWN AND REMOVE YOUR MINISCULE DICK!

Ty: (from Duo and Wufei's bedroom) When I'm done with it, okay?

Duo and Wufei: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!!!!!!

Duo: THAT'S OUR BED!

Wufei: OUR PLACE OF LOVEMAKING!

Quatre: (from the bedroom) Wait, you said dick?

Ty: (from the bedroom) We thought you said Slick!

Wufei: Slick?

Ty: (from the bedroom) Massage oil, ya moron!

Duo and Wufei: HEY! THAT'S OURS TOO! (they dash into their bedroom, and toss a shirtless Quatre and Ty out of their

house. Ty and Quatre pout, and meander to Quatre and Ty's house. D holds signs over their head that read "They did not get to have sex. Or the massage.")

Amy: .... (snickers) I love my job.....

Heero is absolutely flipping out. He's staring at the mess that was his living room, and on a rant similar to one of Wufei's, but it's not about justice.

Heero: WHAT THE *bleep*ing GOD *bleeped* *bleep*ing *bleep* IS THIS *bleep*ING *bleep*?!?! Who the *bleep* did this?! OH MY GOD THIS IS *bleep*ING AWFUL! It's like HORRIBLE! It's HIDEOUS! It would give little children NIGHTMATES FOR GODS SAKE!" AND WHAT'S QUATRE GONNA SAY! HIS PRECIOUS FLOWER PRINT COUCHES ARE RUINED! Not that I ever gave half a damn about them, but HE'S GONNA GO ZERO SYSTEM! UGH! The color scheme's gonna make me *bleep*ing SICK! AND LOOK AT THAT *bleep*ING POSTER! (he gestures wildly to the picture frame, which has an enormous picture of Duo and Wufei going at it, spread eagle.) THAT'S THE MOST DISGUSTING *bleep*ING THING I'VE EVER SEEN! AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL!

Frank: You missed a bleep, Duet.

Duet: *bleep* you!

Heero: (tears into the hallway, rummaging the closet) OH MY GOD!!! OH MY *bleep*ING GOD! THERE'S A DEAD BODY!

Frank: (makes a face like O_O) WHAT THE *bleep*?! (he leans over Heero's shoulder) THAT'S HILDI! With a note attached!

Heero: (reads the note) With love, from Kate. (At that moment, Quatre enters to see Hildi's remains. She's been mutilated

almost beyond recognition, as we can now see, her head sliced in half, and small white lumps dot her brain. Kids, this is your brain on crack!)

Quatre: EEEEEEK! (he promptly faints. Ty is behind him, staring in shock.)

Ty: Oh my god! They killed Hildi!

Frank: You bastards!

Heero: While he's K.O, I'll see what I can do about our mess of a living room.

Quatre: (snaps awake, sees the living room. He screams like a little girl.) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!

Trowa is standing on the sidewalk between the two houses. He looks rather panicked.

Trowa: Next time, we remodel the homes of high ranking OZ officials, the Kushrenadas and the Merquises!

Heero: (off-camera) BARTON! WE'RE GOING TO KILL YOU!

Trowa: OH SHIT! (Trowa runs for his life from very angry, torch-bearing Heero, Duo, Quatre, and Wufei.) NEXT TIME! (he

runs faster) I'M RUNNING!

Heero, Duo, Quatre, and Wufei: WE'RE FOLLOWING! (we see Ty, Frank, and Amy standing by the van in the background.)

Amy: So, what now?

Frank: ... smoke copious amounts of weed?

Ty: Yeeeah! (They get into the van, and drive away.)

Cat, D, Tia, Holly, Lil, Kate, and the authoress hold up a little sign reading "The End!"

-Owari-

Nayru: (sipsipping on root beer) ^_^

Muses: (panting)

Xiao: How is she that fast?

Ran-Ran: No idea. Well, anyway everyone, leave a friendly review!

Xiao: Peace out with the catlike, minna!

Nayru: ROOT BEER! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!