Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Had I Known ❯ Chapter 1

Title: If I Had Known
Fandom: Gundam Wing
Rating: Call it PG-13
Warnings/Notes: 1st-person POV. Older characters. Character death. Angst? Background yaoi. Mostly ignores timeline.

I never would have believed that I'd die in such a place, alone in an alley. And because I decided to help someone--ironic, no? One of the muggers got in a lucky shot--lucky stab, I should say. Punctured my left lung, by the feel of it. Their intended victim got away, but I doubt anyone will get here in time, even assuming that he was able to find a cop or phone. This isn't the best part of town.

I never thought I'd die this way. If you'd asked me, when I was a teenager, how I would die, I'd have told you that I'd be executed by OZ. In my early twenties, I was still too amazed at having survived the war to even consider what the rest of my life might hold; I was living day-to-day, just trying to find something to do with myself. The idea of growing older was totally foreign to me. I might have snorted and told you that Duo would be the death of me.

Duo.

If I'd known that breakfast was to be our last meal together, what might I have done differently? If I'd known that this would be my last chance to look at him, hear his voice, what might I have said? When he kissed me goodbye at the door, would I have savored it more, found an excuse to prolong it, if I'd known it was to be our last? Or last night, when we were lying in bed--would I have turned off the TV, and made love to him, the way we used to? If I had known this was my last chance to feel his body pressed to mine, would I have taken it?

Regrets are pointless. I've heard it from many people, in many ways. Follow your heart, Odin said. Focus on the present were Dr. J's words. I don't want to live my life wondering what might have happened, Relena explained just before kissing me under the mistletoe one Christmas, years ago. Good words, all of them.

Still...There's so much I want to do, to say. I love you, because I don't say it enough. I do my best to show my feelings, but it's hard for me to verbalize, sometimes. I always took it for granted that he knew--why else would he put up with me, through all these years and all those fights? But I wish now that I'd said the words more, because I'll never get the chance to say them again.

And thank you, because I don’t think I’ve ever said it to him. Not the way I really want to. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for putting up with me. With my moodiness and bad memories and inability to talk about feelings, and all the myriad issues that make having a relationship with me so hard.

I wanted to take him on vacation. Between us, we've seen almost all of Earth, and most of the colonies, but it would have been nice to go somewhere that we wouldn't eventually have to blow up. We could have gone to visit Hilde. We could have gone to the circus to see Catherine and Trowa--he's still performing with them, despite having received any number of other offers. Everyone from Preventers to WEI wants him; he was even offered a job as a gymnastics instructor. We could have dropped in on Wufei. He's always busy, but I think he would have made time for us, if he had enough warning. Sally would have seen to it.

I wanted to get old. I wanted to retire, and pretend to be grumpy when Duo and Relena threw a party for me. I wanted to take up an old-man hobby, like gardening or golf or collecting something. I wanted to see Duo with gray hair, and Relena with crows' feet. I wanted to die in bed, with Duo beside me.

I wanted my last moments to be filled with his face, and his voice, and his hand in mine. Not the smell of refuse and the sound of cars passing intermittently on the distant highway.

You don’t always get what you want.

If I'd known, would I have said all the things I meant to? Made the small, tender gestures I'd been saving for a more romantic moment?

Who can say?

But I like to think that I would have.