Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Hate Me ❯ Hate Me ( Chapter 1 )
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Mononoke 
Hate me, by Blue October
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 04.28.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.8K | Visits: 485 | Status: Completed
Hate me, by Blue October
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 04.28.2006 | Pages: 3 | Words: 2.8K | Visits: 485 | Status: Completed
Here I am, trying to write tons of other fics, and this one blindsides me as I'm trying to inflate my muse for “Cut out the past”. Of course, I've got three more I'm working on (none of them are up here yet, I'm so bad!) I heard this song, and WHAM, Duo looked at me, and ran away screaming as I laughed maliciously.
It's a talent.
Anyways, the song is Hate me by Blue October, and I love it to bits and pieces. Have fun, please leave a comment, and if it really sucks, let me know so I can wear the dunce cap and take it down.
Thanks!
-
-
-
-
Don't you see?
-
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head.
They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed.
-
I look around and all I can see is you, even though the filth and shame of my disgusting little apartment here on Earth. I know that you would look for me in the stars, so I left you and I stayed here, no matter just how hard it was to know you were only minutes away from me.
But I know, even as I feel the loneliness devour me, that you're better for it.
-
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me I'm alone
-
And I go over it, again and again in my head. This is for the best.
It has to be. I can't live with the thoughts that you might be suffering just as much as me because of my absence.
-
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
-
I think of all the good times, all of the nights of passion we shared, all of the endless hours we had, sitting there with nothing between us, not even air.
And I remember how hard it was to get to that, and how I ruined it all, just by being me.
-
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
-
Because I was stupid, back before I had you, before the war made me into what I am today. Because quitting isn't easy, but you know that, right? You never quit, not until death grasps your hands, leading you into golden fields, a place for a Hero, a place for you.
Because one day, I'll stop being me, and when that day comes, I don't want you to remember me like that.
I am death, everyone who I have loved have died. You always tried to tell me that it was just bad luck, coincidences. I tried to get you to realize that just because I love you doesn't mean you'll die right away. I was with Solo for years before he died. Yet I was only with the church for a short while before they died. It's all dependent on my happiness.
If I'm happy, you will die.
-
An ounce of peace is all I want for you.
Will you never call again?
-
I tried, oh how I tried to push you away, tried to keep you all at a distance, but you wormed your way through. All of you did, and that was unacceptable.
So I did what I could.
I loved you, and I was happy, and now, someone will die. I tried to stop it, you know it, and you saved me from making a mistake, only to set me up for an even worse fate.
How could I tell you, after all you did for me?
How to tell you that you saved me, all for nothing?!
-
And will you never say you love me,
Just to put it in my face?
-
And as I sit here, I try to remember if I ever told you how I felt about you. I know that I showed it, if only in my own way, but I hope I didn't keep you guessing.
I hope you know that I loved you.
I still do, you know. Of course you don't know, I haven't told you. I'm too far from you now to tell you what you mean to me.
-
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I who wanted space.
-
I sit here once again, staring at the summer rain, washing down the streets, trying (but not succeeding) to wash away the filth and the stink.
That is why I chose this place.
I chose it so that when the time comes, none will mourn me, the only thing that will happen is the landlord will find me and dump me in an unidentified heap in the morgue.
Just like it should be.
I remember watching the rain once with you, watching it pour and storm.
You tried to see the rain as cleansing, tried to tell me it would wash away the hurts of the past.
I laughed at you, if only in my head, as you dragged me outside to stand in the warm rain as it pounded down.
I whispered into that storm, I whispered my secrets, and I told the storm it's own.
It wasn't a cleansing thing, rain. It was the tears of those who lived before us. Every person I've killed cries for my soul as they sit in heaven. No matter if it was an innocent, or the filthiest of the condemned. I am death, and as such, they all go to heaven, to rally against my return.
All I could do when you dragged me out there was cry, add my own tears for my poisoned soul.
-
Hate me today
-
I am brought back to the present as I listen to the sirens screaming in the distance. Someone's died, someone's mourning their loss.
That's why I did what I did.
I made you hate me.
I made you despise me.
All so that when I die, sooner rather than later, you won't be the one to sit there crying at my grave.
I was so stupid to love you, but I can't say I regret it.
I've never been happier.
-
Hate me tomorrow
-
And none of this would have happened, none of it would have ever been if I had just taken the antidote.
But as they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty.
I stole that serum from the government for the kids, for Solo. I stole it, and I was too late, but I tried anyways. I gave them all the shots, even the ones almost dead.
It was a horrible way to die, the plague.
Lungs filled with fluid, brain bleeding, heart aching even as it burst.
A horrible death, especially to those who had to watch it.
I never took the serum, I gave it all away before I could.
They all died, and I didn't. I was the only one, out of hundreds, not to die in that plague.
My entire life, gone in the flash of the incinerators as they burned the plague bodies, trying to staunch the flow of the virus.
Why didn't I die?
I didn't die because I was immune, as had several of the children been. We weren't sick, but we figured it was only a matter of time before we would, so I gave them the fatal shots. I introduced the virus straight into their systems, bypassing their immune systems.
They died so horribly.
I was all alone.
-
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
-
And now, because of no fault of mine, I'm dying of the same thing. I went to a doctor, one that didn't know who I was, and I asked what was wrong with me.
He told me that he'd never seen anything like it before, and that it was remarkably like the L2 Plague, PRB-182.
I laughed, I laughed in that self-depreciating way you hate.
I laughed as I realized that I was going to die of the same horrible disease I had evaded as a mere child.
The doctor asked me what was so funny. I told him that everyone I knew had died in the L2 plague, and that I guess what goes around comes around.
He gasped, and then he said that he had to register this as a medical anomaly, had to see if he could get the cure here in time to save me.
I told him it was alright, it was only fair that the only one to survive it twelve years ago should be the one to die of it when he least expected it.
-
I'm sober now for 3 whole months
An accomplishment you helped me with
-
On the way home from that appointment, I guess I needed to unwind, and the fact that nothing could save me just... It turned me into something that I hated. Something I hadn't been since I quit the first time, at the hands of a monster set on getting me ready to pilot and kill.
G never thought it'd end like this. He's probably laughing at me wherever he is now.
But that fateful day brought out that part of me I'd hated since it emerged the first time. Strangely after hearing about the deaths of my entire "family" to this very same disease.
I picked up the drugs, and I couldn't stop. You asked me what was wrong, held me as I sobbed out the truth.
The truth of the addiction, not the truth about the disease.
You held me out at arms length, condemned me for things I could have helped, and you left me broken on the floor for days.
But you came back.
-
The one thing that always tore us apart
Is the one thing I won't touch again.
In a sick way I want to thank you
For holding my head up late at night
-
You held my head as I detoxed, ran your fingers through my knotted hair as I threw up time and again. I shivered and shook my way into oblivion, always to wake with you at my side.
-
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
You were trying to stop the fight.
-
You listened to me rave about how I killed them all, how I was destined to die like them. You never took it to heart.
-
You never doubted my opinions
On things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
When it was way too hard to take.
-
You got me better again, and how did I repay you? By leaving you to wander, lost and broken, as I drove away to talk to someone to prepare to leave you.
I knew that after all the time and love you spent watching me like that would be the catalyst you needed to hate me as I left you.
-
So I'll drive so fucking far away
That I never cross your mind.
And do whatever it takes in your heart
To leave me behind.
-
I yelled at you, called you horrible things. I spat at you, taunted you, and them too. I couldn't let them love me too, not for what I was going to do.
The only person I couldn't do it to was Quatre, poor Quatre. He would have seen through me in a second, would have asked me why I was screaming inside so hard that it hurt to close my eyes and listen to my soul breaking.
-
Hate me today,
Hate me tomorrow,
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
-
And I left. I watched you from the corner of my eye as you slept off the drugs I slipped you. I left you the note, the last way to tell you that I'll always love you.
It didn't say "I love you".
It said "Hate me today, Hate me tomorrow, Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you."
I leave you now and it's so hard to do. I can feel it in my heart that you're calling out to me, to come and talk to you. You want me now to tell you why I had to let you go, why you're supposed to hate me, why I left you all alone.
But no matter how you scream to me, I can't see you again.
I'm dying in a gruesome way you couldn't comprehend.
It's terrible to watch them die, the people that you love, I'm sparing you the agony, I'm showing you my love.
-
Hate me in ways,
Yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
-
I'm writing you a note, one I know you'll never read. I know you won't because I'll take it with me to my grave.
And I know just what to say to you, but I just couldn't tell you. I just couldn't let you feel like you could have prevented this.
I couldn't let you feel like I did once.
-
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave,
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made.
And like a baby boy, I never was a man,
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand.
-
I stare out of the window, watching the summer rain. I sit and I watch it and remember you, remember every taste of you, every breath of you. I loved you so completely.
I remember the first time you cried, in the dark the first time we were together, the first time we made love.
I asked you what was wrong, fearing the worst.
You simply let me cradle your face in my hands as you whispered to me, "I'll never be able to let you go."
I think I cried then too.
-
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like the way it used to be.
-
I think that I screamed at myself, as soon as I left you. I think that I tore myself apart, trying to find a better way.
But you already hated me.
There was nothing left for me to do but to continue on and hope that you would too.
-
And then he whispered, "How can you do this to me?"
-
I can't hear anything over the wet coughing I can't stop. I can't hear the sirens anymore for the blood rushing though my ears, my head it so painful, I think I'm crying blood tears.
Alright, maybe not bloody tears, but DAMN it feels like I could.
All I can hear is your voice in my head, coupled with the picture, the memory of you asking me why.
Why did I do this.
Why would I say that.
And all I could say then was that it didn't matter why, only that it was true, only that I had said it.
-
Hate me today,
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
-
I can't hear anything, and I can't breathe. I know I must be some sight, pale and sallow. I'm red faced from the exertion of trying to breathe, trying to continue living, if only to remember your face for a few seconds longer.
I'll never see your face again, and I cry out.
-
Hate me in ways,
Yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
-
-
-
-
The end. I know, “WHAT THE HELL?” It ends there, that's all she wrote. Literally. That's all. I won't take it further.
Please review??
It's a talent.
Anyways, the song is Hate me by Blue October, and I love it to bits and pieces. Have fun, please leave a comment, and if it really sucks, let me know so I can wear the dunce cap and take it down.
Thanks!
-
-
-
-
Don't you see?
-
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head.
They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed.
-
I look around and all I can see is you, even though the filth and shame of my disgusting little apartment here on Earth. I know that you would look for me in the stars, so I left you and I stayed here, no matter just how hard it was to know you were only minutes away from me.
But I know, even as I feel the loneliness devour me, that you're better for it.
-
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me I'm alone
-
And I go over it, again and again in my head. This is for the best.
It has to be. I can't live with the thoughts that you might be suffering just as much as me because of my absence.
-
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
-
I think of all the good times, all of the nights of passion we shared, all of the endless hours we had, sitting there with nothing between us, not even air.
And I remember how hard it was to get to that, and how I ruined it all, just by being me.
-
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
-
Because I was stupid, back before I had you, before the war made me into what I am today. Because quitting isn't easy, but you know that, right? You never quit, not until death grasps your hands, leading you into golden fields, a place for a Hero, a place for you.
Because one day, I'll stop being me, and when that day comes, I don't want you to remember me like that.
I am death, everyone who I have loved have died. You always tried to tell me that it was just bad luck, coincidences. I tried to get you to realize that just because I love you doesn't mean you'll die right away. I was with Solo for years before he died. Yet I was only with the church for a short while before they died. It's all dependent on my happiness.
If I'm happy, you will die.
-
An ounce of peace is all I want for you.
Will you never call again?
-
I tried, oh how I tried to push you away, tried to keep you all at a distance, but you wormed your way through. All of you did, and that was unacceptable.
So I did what I could.
I loved you, and I was happy, and now, someone will die. I tried to stop it, you know it, and you saved me from making a mistake, only to set me up for an even worse fate.
How could I tell you, after all you did for me?
How to tell you that you saved me, all for nothing?!
-
And will you never say you love me,
Just to put it in my face?
-
And as I sit here, I try to remember if I ever told you how I felt about you. I know that I showed it, if only in my own way, but I hope I didn't keep you guessing.
I hope you know that I loved you.
I still do, you know. Of course you don't know, I haven't told you. I'm too far from you now to tell you what you mean to me.
-
And will you never try to reach me?
It is I who wanted space.
-
I sit here once again, staring at the summer rain, washing down the streets, trying (but not succeeding) to wash away the filth and the stink.
That is why I chose this place.
I chose it so that when the time comes, none will mourn me, the only thing that will happen is the landlord will find me and dump me in an unidentified heap in the morgue.
Just like it should be.
I remember watching the rain once with you, watching it pour and storm.
You tried to see the rain as cleansing, tried to tell me it would wash away the hurts of the past.
I laughed at you, if only in my head, as you dragged me outside to stand in the warm rain as it pounded down.
I whispered into that storm, I whispered my secrets, and I told the storm it's own.
It wasn't a cleansing thing, rain. It was the tears of those who lived before us. Every person I've killed cries for my soul as they sit in heaven. No matter if it was an innocent, or the filthiest of the condemned. I am death, and as such, they all go to heaven, to rally against my return.
All I could do when you dragged me out there was cry, add my own tears for my poisoned soul.
-
Hate me today
-
I am brought back to the present as I listen to the sirens screaming in the distance. Someone's died, someone's mourning their loss.
That's why I did what I did.
I made you hate me.
I made you despise me.
All so that when I die, sooner rather than later, you won't be the one to sit there crying at my grave.
I was so stupid to love you, but I can't say I regret it.
I've never been happier.
-
Hate me tomorrow
-
And none of this would have happened, none of it would have ever been if I had just taken the antidote.
But as they say, hindsight is twenty-twenty.
I stole that serum from the government for the kids, for Solo. I stole it, and I was too late, but I tried anyways. I gave them all the shots, even the ones almost dead.
It was a horrible way to die, the plague.
Lungs filled with fluid, brain bleeding, heart aching even as it burst.
A horrible death, especially to those who had to watch it.
I never took the serum, I gave it all away before I could.
They all died, and I didn't. I was the only one, out of hundreds, not to die in that plague.
My entire life, gone in the flash of the incinerators as they burned the plague bodies, trying to staunch the flow of the virus.
Why didn't I die?
I didn't die because I was immune, as had several of the children been. We weren't sick, but we figured it was only a matter of time before we would, so I gave them the fatal shots. I introduced the virus straight into their systems, bypassing their immune systems.
They died so horribly.
I was all alone.
-
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
-
And now, because of no fault of mine, I'm dying of the same thing. I went to a doctor, one that didn't know who I was, and I asked what was wrong with me.
He told me that he'd never seen anything like it before, and that it was remarkably like the L2 Plague, PRB-182.
I laughed, I laughed in that self-depreciating way you hate.
I laughed as I realized that I was going to die of the same horrible disease I had evaded as a mere child.
The doctor asked me what was so funny. I told him that everyone I knew had died in the L2 plague, and that I guess what goes around comes around.
He gasped, and then he said that he had to register this as a medical anomaly, had to see if he could get the cure here in time to save me.
I told him it was alright, it was only fair that the only one to survive it twelve years ago should be the one to die of it when he least expected it.
-
I'm sober now for 3 whole months
An accomplishment you helped me with
-
On the way home from that appointment, I guess I needed to unwind, and the fact that nothing could save me just... It turned me into something that I hated. Something I hadn't been since I quit the first time, at the hands of a monster set on getting me ready to pilot and kill.
G never thought it'd end like this. He's probably laughing at me wherever he is now.
But that fateful day brought out that part of me I'd hated since it emerged the first time. Strangely after hearing about the deaths of my entire "family" to this very same disease.
I picked up the drugs, and I couldn't stop. You asked me what was wrong, held me as I sobbed out the truth.
The truth of the addiction, not the truth about the disease.
You held me out at arms length, condemned me for things I could have helped, and you left me broken on the floor for days.
But you came back.
-
The one thing that always tore us apart
Is the one thing I won't touch again.
In a sick way I want to thank you
For holding my head up late at night
-
You held my head as I detoxed, ran your fingers through my knotted hair as I threw up time and again. I shivered and shook my way into oblivion, always to wake with you at my side.
-
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
You were trying to stop the fight.
-
You listened to me rave about how I killed them all, how I was destined to die like them. You never took it to heart.
-
You never doubted my opinions
On things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
When it was way too hard to take.
-
You got me better again, and how did I repay you? By leaving you to wander, lost and broken, as I drove away to talk to someone to prepare to leave you.
I knew that after all the time and love you spent watching me like that would be the catalyst you needed to hate me as I left you.
-
So I'll drive so fucking far away
That I never cross your mind.
And do whatever it takes in your heart
To leave me behind.
-
I yelled at you, called you horrible things. I spat at you, taunted you, and them too. I couldn't let them love me too, not for what I was going to do.
The only person I couldn't do it to was Quatre, poor Quatre. He would have seen through me in a second, would have asked me why I was screaming inside so hard that it hurt to close my eyes and listen to my soul breaking.
-
Hate me today,
Hate me tomorrow,
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
-
And I left. I watched you from the corner of my eye as you slept off the drugs I slipped you. I left you the note, the last way to tell you that I'll always love you.
It didn't say "I love you".
It said "Hate me today, Hate me tomorrow, Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you."
I leave you now and it's so hard to do. I can feel it in my heart that you're calling out to me, to come and talk to you. You want me now to tell you why I had to let you go, why you're supposed to hate me, why I left you all alone.
But no matter how you scream to me, I can't see you again.
I'm dying in a gruesome way you couldn't comprehend.
It's terrible to watch them die, the people that you love, I'm sparing you the agony, I'm showing you my love.
-
Hate me in ways,
Yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
-
I'm writing you a note, one I know you'll never read. I know you won't because I'll take it with me to my grave.
And I know just what to say to you, but I just couldn't tell you. I just couldn't let you feel like you could have prevented this.
I couldn't let you feel like I did once.
-
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave,
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made.
And like a baby boy, I never was a man,
Until I saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand.
-
I stare out of the window, watching the summer rain. I sit and I watch it and remember you, remember every taste of you, every breath of you. I loved you so completely.
I remember the first time you cried, in the dark the first time we were together, the first time we made love.
I asked you what was wrong, fearing the worst.
You simply let me cradle your face in my hands as you whispered to me, "I'll never be able to let you go."
I think I cried then too.
-
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like the way it used to be.
-
I think that I screamed at myself, as soon as I left you. I think that I tore myself apart, trying to find a better way.
But you already hated me.
There was nothing left for me to do but to continue on and hope that you would too.
-
And then he whispered, "How can you do this to me?"
-
I can't hear anything over the wet coughing I can't stop. I can't hear the sirens anymore for the blood rushing though my ears, my head it so painful, I think I'm crying blood tears.
Alright, maybe not bloody tears, but DAMN it feels like I could.
All I can hear is your voice in my head, coupled with the picture, the memory of you asking me why.
Why did I do this.
Why would I say that.
And all I could say then was that it didn't matter why, only that it was true, only that I had said it.
-
Hate me today,
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
-
I can't hear anything, and I can't breathe. I know I must be some sight, pale and sallow. I'm red faced from the exertion of trying to breathe, trying to continue living, if only to remember your face for a few seconds longer.
I'll never see your face again, and I cry out.
-
Hate me in ways,
Yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.
-
-
-
-
The end. I know, “WHAT THE HELL?” It ends there, that's all she wrote. Literally. That's all. I won't take it further.
Please review??