Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ He's a survivor ❯ what he is to me ( Chapter 1 )

This is supposed to be yaoi… might be considered as Relena-bashing but I think she's quite like that anyway… and yes, Heero talks a lot in this one, but he does want Relena to understand, not to just go away.

Hehe, I even managed to proof-read it. Which means that any mistake left… is mine, and all mine. And I can't even blame it on my poor typing anymore. Pity me.

SURVIVOR

Part one : what he is to me

"So, Heero, what do you plan to do now that the war is over?"

The ex-pilot sighed lightly, then shrugged, seating in Relena's unique pink limousine.

"We haven't talked about it yet." He didn't look at her, just watching the lights of the city and wondering for the millionth time why he had agreed to this dinner with her. He had really no reason to and Duo had definitely not been pleased with it. He would be lucky if he got any tonight. Hell, he would be lucky if Duo didn't make him sleep on the couch. Regardless of any sexual activity, Duo didn't like sleeping alone. He had discovered this long before they actually got together. So, most of the time, Duo would have let his lover hold him for the night, even if he had denied him sex.

But this time, he was pissed. And Heero just knew he could be damn patient when he wanted to. Which meant he wouldn't get out of it by waiting for the boy to forget what had happened.

He had agreed to a 'date' -well in her mind it was a date- with Relena, and he would pay for it.

"What do you mean, 'we'?" her voice made his mind snap back to the here and now.

The limousine stopped just in front of the luxurious restaurant and in a matter of seconds, they were in the huge building.

Relena passed the discreet metal detector without any problem, but Heero, however reluctantly, had to let his gun there.

When he was freed by the guard, she looked at him in disbelief.

"Why did you carry a gun with you?"

He shrugged.

"This place could be unsafe."

She rolled her eyes. Slightly.

"You are a hero right now. Most people would give you anything you ask them, just because of who you are. As for those who might want to hurt you…" she shrugged " this place does have high security. And no one would risk making you a martyr."

He didn't even look at her, and answered in his usual monotone.

"You're talking politics, I'm talking survival."

She raised an eyebrow but dropped the subject as they sat down.

The waitress, a red-haired young woman, brought them the menu, then the appetizers, while they sat in uncomfortable silence.

Absorbed in the difficult task of choosing what to eat, neither noticed the person with long, braided, chestnut hair who stealthily got past them and sat down at the next table.

Then Relena put her menu aside, and spoke up.

"So you've decided to make plans with Duo Maxwell. Funny, I thought that after the war that whore would go back to his colony and his old… habits."

* * *

As soon as Heero had left the hotel they were currently staying at, Duo had decided to follow them, thus making sure the great bitchy one wouldn't try and steal Heero away from him. He had managed to sit at a table from where he could hear the whole conversation without being seen.

He felt a little guilty to be eavesdropping on his lover, but now that the dangers of the war weren't forcibly keeping them together anymore, he wouldn't take the chance to loose him. Especially not to her.

He flashed a brilliant smile at the waitress when she brought him the menu, then tried to chose something to eat while listening to the other table's conversation.

"So you've decided to make plans with Duo Maxwell."

He didn't like Relena's voice one bit, and suddenly, he was sure that something would go wrong on this dinner.

And indeed…

" Funny, I thought that after the war that whore would go back to his colony and his old… habits."

His eyes grew wide and he nearly choked.

No! How do you know? You have no right!

"What do you mean?" Heero's voice was expressionless as always.

Please don't tell him, please don't tell him, please don't tell him, please don't tell him…

If he hadn't been so sure Heero would be really pissed at him for eavesdropping on him, he would have sank down to his knees in front of Relena and begged her not to reveal that to his lover.

Now he could only hope that Heero wouldn't believe her, which was highly unlikely.

Relena's voice was dripping with disgust when she answered.

"Please, Heero, give me some credit. I know you're using him for sex, and you wouldn't do that without knowing a bit more on him than he lets on. You must have read his file. I have. Duo Maxwell is a street rat, a thief, a whore and a murderer."

* * *

"Duo Maxwell is a street rat, a thief, a whore and a murderer."

Heero's grip on his glass tightened, but he didn't let the anger he was feeling show. It was hard. But he had decided that, no matter what, he would make Relena understand she didn't have a chance with him. He would make her understand how wrong she was about Duo. And that meant not hurting her, at least physically.

Not now, at least.

He sipped the last of his champagne to calm down, then looked straight at her.

"I happen to know about his past. What's your point?"

Yes, I know what happened to him, most of it anyway. Not that he ever told me. But I did read his files, and I did go to L2. I was fascinated. I wanted to know more about him, and the more I learnt, the more I wanted to be able to help him, somehow… He still has those nightmare sometimes, and I wish I was enough to make them stop, but… when I ask him, he shuts down. He never told me anything. For some reason, he doesn't want me to know.

Then the waitress cam again, asking if they had chosen. He quickly ordered their meals, waited for her to be far enough, then looked at Relena questioningly. Not that he didn't know what she wanted to do, of course. She was trying to disgust him from Duo.

She didn't stand a chance, but she still had to understand this. But tonight would be the night. And after that, she wouldn't bother them anymore.

He heard a light chuckle and his eyes snapped back to Relena's, who was smirking.

"You're sleeping with someone who willingly lost his virginity at eight and probably got fucked by more OZ officers than you've killed, and you're asking me what my point is?"

The waitress came back with the wine and Heero sampled it, then nodded at her. She let the bottle close to him and walked to the next table.

He was grateful she had interrupted. He could have punched Relena in the face for saying this. Luckily she had enough respect not to throw this in front of Duo… or maybe she had already done it, and he didn't know. Maybe she would do it, when she finally understood that Heero was not hers, and never would be.

No. He'd prevent this from happening.

"Before anything else, I want to point out that you just mentioned the fact that I'm a murderer, just like you said he was. Which is true. We both killed a lot of people. Most of them, might I add, died because of your convictions. But the part about OZ's officers was definitely not in any of his files. So how do you know about it?"

"What do you think? I did my homework well. I went to L2, I talked to people. He sold himself and he enjoyed it!"

* * *

"…and he enjoyed it!"

Duo closed his eyes in pain. Why hadn't Heero punched her yet? Why wasn't he trying to defend him, like any boyfriend would? Why was he letting her insult him, without so much at an angry snarl? Didn't Heero care, at least a little? Or was he really just using him for sex?

And besides, how did he know about his past? How many files about him had they both read? What else on him was in those files?

He just prayed to a God he didn't believe in anymore that Solo wasn't mentioned in them. Solo was his, plain and simple, and no one had any right to know who he was.

* * *

"I don't think he enjoyed it, but that's not the point." Heero answered after calming down again from his urge to just beat the living daylights out of her. "If you've done your homework so well, then you must know why he did it."

She shrugged. "Is it really important? The reason doesn't really matter, does it?"

"Are you saying that when you fight for an ideal, only the fights matter? Not what they stand for?"

She looked at him, puzzled, then shook her head. He had a point here. The reasoning behind the action was important.

"All right. Tell me."

He looked at her for a few seconds then…

"Survival."

She slowly downed her glass of wine.

"There were other ways to survive. Ways that didn't involve laying there and taking it."

* * *

She's right. There were other ways. I could have sold drugs, I could have killed… I didn't. However indirectly, I didn't want to become a murderer. I was trying to protect the kids. I sold myself… so that the others didn't have to. But now… now they're all dead and it seems so empty… and that bitch is trying to take him away from me… God I hope he won't leave me…

* * *

"Yes. There were. Ways that involved hurting innocent people. Ways that involved killing. What you have to understand is that he didn't willingly become a killer. But he had people under his responsibility, even at this age. And he did everything he could to protect them. He took everything on himself. All the pain… he kept everything to him. What were you doing at this time? Playing the princess in one of your mansions?" There was definite disgust in Heero's voice as he added that last part. Now was the time to remind her that not everyone was as wealthy as her family. Time to make her wonder what she had done with all her money, when she could have been helping children like Duo who never had a chance to get a place they could call home.

She didn't answer, and he just looked at her until the waitress came back with their meals. They ate in silence for a few minutes, then Heero decided to strike again.

"Did you ever wonder what could have happened, had you been in his place? What you would have become?"

"This is not the point", she snapped.

Good. So she felt uneasy about this particular question. Maybe she wasn't that hopeless after all.

"Yes it is. You can't judge people without considering their surroundings."

"So?"

"I daresay you know about the Maxwell church…incident?"

"I do."

"So, you know most of the things that happened to him. You know that he went through hell, yet he's still alive. He's cheerful and kind and caring."

"What are you telling me?" she asked contemptuously.

"Don't you see? The risks I was submitted to during my training were calculated. I could have died, but only if I had really been incompetent. And while I was trained under heavy security, while you were protected from everything in your castle, he faced life, and he survived. Alone."

* * *

Duo leant down in his seat, suddenly quite happy to be here. Heero's praise was rare, and always deserved. And right now, there was something like admiration in his voice.

Does that mean he doesn't really thinks I'm only a cheerful baka without a care in the world? Does he know me better than I thought?

…

Should I have told him about my past? About Solo?

Then the moment of happiness was shattered.

"Traitors and cowards survive."

* * *

This time, Heero was ready for the blow and didn't even have to control himself.

"All five of us Gundam pilots went through more battles, physically and emotionally, than you can imagine. Wufei fought Treize Kushrenada on numerous occasions, knowing the man was better than he was. He survived. I self-destructed for the colonies' welfare. I survived. Are you calling Wufei a coward? Are you calling me a traitor?"

She just shook her head, not knowing what to answer to this. There wasn't any fault in his reasoning, and Duo, in truth, couldn't be called a traitor, or a coward. No matter how much she hated him.

"You are right. Traitors and cowards survive. So do heroes."

* * *

Did the Perfect Soldier just call me a hero? He… he thinks that much of me, despite of what I've done, what I've been? Why didn't he tell me?

Why didn't I notice ?

* * *

"So now he's a hero, isn't he?"

She was starting to lose her nerve. Good. That meant she was beginning to understand, and didn't want to admit it.

Heero just shrugged, finishing his roast beef.

"He annoyed the hell out of me for the past two years yet he managed to stay alive. That, if anything, is heroic."

"You didn't kill me, either."

* * *

Duo managed to eat a little of his lasagnas, while still listening to the conversation. He smiled a little when Heero made what could only be called a joke, but the smile quickly dropped down when Relena answered.

That's right. He never killed her, no matter how often he threatened it. Just like he did with me.

* * *

"You don't get it, do you? I didn't kill you because of what you symbolize. I didn't kill him because of who he is."

"A fellow Gundam pilot."

He shook his head, drank a little more wine, then answered.

"No. That is what he is."

"Then who is he?"

* * *

That's the main question, isn't it? How does he see me? Who am I… in his eyes?

* * *

Heero smiled a little, purposely looking at his half-empty glass.

There's no way I'm letting her think that I'm smiling at her.

"He's an annoyingly cheerful American survivor, who knows what it's like to wake up screaming in the middle of the night because of memories that are simply too hard to bear. He's one of the few people in this world who have a worst case of survivor guilt than I have, yet he managed to stay alive, day after day, even when the hope was gone, if only to avenge his loved ones' deaths."

She let her fork fall into her plate, frowning. She was getting angry now.

"And who am I?"

He looked frankly at her.

"You're a little princess who lives in a fairy tale were no one is ever hurt, where blood is never seen. You're nothing but a delusional little girl who still thinks that in the end the white knight comes and takes the princess away for a beautiful wedding. And then they live happily ever after. You just don't know what real life is."

"And he does?"

"Yes."

She was breathing heavily now. People had always looked up to her, always followed her every whim and now… now Heero, of all people, was telling her the worst things.

Worst? No, not really. What she had called Duo was worse than that… yet he didn't deserve Heero.

"Really, how can you consider him an equal? He's nothing but a lucky boy who managed to get his paws on a gundam and survived through the war, god knows how."

At this, Heero laughed bitterly, and for a second, Relena thought he had gone insane.

"An equal? How can people be so blind? Duo and I were never equals, and I honestly don't think we'll ever be."

* * *

OK. That one hurt. A lot. How can he say so many nice things about me, then laugh and tell her I'm not his equal? What is he trying to do?

* * *

"So you admit he isn't your equal. Then why…"

He suddenly sobered up, and didn't even let her finish.

"Do you know what people think about me? I'm the supposedly Perfect Soldier, trained pilot zero one, pilot of Wing Zero, the only man who ever mastered the ZERO system, who bears the name of a famous pacifist. I self-destructed for the colonies. How brave of me. Don't you see? I'm a hero."

His eyes found Relena's again.

"How ironic. Everybody thinks I'm brave, devoted, and everything that makes a good soldier, and maybe I am. But did anyone ever wonder if there was any other way for me?"

She looked at him with wide eyes, not understanding what he meant.

"You still don't get it. There was nothing else for me to do, because I didn't even know it was possible to do something else. So I fought. So I sacrificed myself. Big deal. If there had been a life for me out there, maybe I wouldn't have done it. What I did… was never bravery. Most of the time, it was plain stupidity."

She wasn't even looking at him now. She knew he was right, somehow. She had never held anything against him, and always blamed everything on Duo. She hadn't judged them on the same scale.

"Everybody look up at me. I look up at him. He knew what he was getting himself into, yet he fought. He could have hid and run, but he faced the worst. He made a choice."

"So you're telling me you admire him. I can… comprehend that. But why do you want to stay with him? It's not like…"

He glared at her then. Not his usual, get-in-the-way-of-my-mission-and-I'll-kill-you glare, which she was immune to. This one was more of a if-you-try-to-hurt-him-you-will-die-and-if-you-do-hurt-him-there-wil l-be-hell-to-pay glare. She shrank back in her seat, suddenly afraid of him.

"It's not like I love him, that's what you think, ne?"

* * *

Listening to his lover's cold voice, Duo managed to fight back the tears. After all, Heero had never professed love to him. Never professed any feeling. He did respect him though, and it was enough. It had to be.

* * *

"What I feel towards Duo, and why I do so, is our business, and it isn't my point anyway. I do have a rational opinion about most people I know."

"Which is?" she asked, daring him to tell the truth.

"I respect Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei. I admire Duo. And I despise you."

He got up, threw enough money on the table to cover for both their meals and the tip, then proceeded to walk away.

"HEERO!" the girl screamed, trying to get his attention again. True, he had nearly destroyed her, but he couldn't really mean it! He was her prince fallen from the sky, and she was…

-a delusional little girl who still thinks that in the end the white knight comes -

He turned to her slowly, and just looked at her, then…

"And just so you know, Relena. I may not be able to tell him so… but I do love him."

TBC