Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Heero Yuy's Hotline for the Suicidal and Homicidal ❯ Heero Yuy's Hotline for the Suicidal and Homicidal ( Prologue )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Heero Yuy's Hotline for the Suicidal and the Homicidal



Heero Yuy's Hotline for the Suicidal and the Homicidal
By Kaen-chan ^-^v

Kaen-chan: Sitting at her computer typing rapidly, devouring skittles continuously. Suddenly turns SD Whoops! Since I'm chibi now… Large violet eyes blinks twice …I guess I'm Shiryuu! (That's my SD's name! It literally means Death Dragon) Quickly erases Kaen-chan and replaces it with Shiryuu

Heero Yuy's Hotline for the Suicidal and the Homicidal
By Shiryuu ^-^V

Duo: Halloween candy… very addictive shakes his head mournfully
Wufei: You should talk baka! If it weren't for your sugar rampage, we wouldn't have had to be in this new fanfic.
Shiryuu: In a kawaii but caustic voice Kora! It's not my fault that all of you came here in a strange eccentrically insane mode.
Trowa: Sweatdrop… You aren't exactly one to talk…
Shiryuu: What do you mean? I'm perfectly fin- Looks over self Ara… Point taken…
Quatre: Since we're here, what's this new fanfic?
Heero: … Glaring at sweatdropping Duo
Shiryuu: You'll all be co-hosting on Heero's new hotline!
Wufei: Injustice! I shall not be in a fanfic when the author is a weakling onnako and favors Suicide Boy! Starts waving katana around You also insult dragons by using them in your name!
Heero: Pulls out gun Omae o korosu.
Wufei: Sweatdrop
Shiryuu: Smirks Yoroshii, let's get started. Oh, to tell you guys, your female counterparts are going to be evaluating your advice. Each one is going to call at an unexpected time and shall be disguised. Any problems?
Heero: Groans Relena?
Shiryuu: Jumps onto a chair and pats him on the shoulder Don't worry Hee-chan It won't be that bad…
Heero: Groans
Shiryuu: And guess who's your new manager? Smiling brightly
Wufei: Pales Oh dear god no…
Shiryuu: Oh dear god YES!!! Enjoy your part Wuffie! Winks in a kawaii manner. Turns to readers Remember, all flames shall be duly ignored and burned. ^-~V

* * *

"Ohayo mina-san," a monotone voice intoned over the radio. "Having trouble with your miserable and useless life? Or is there a blonde and deaf stalker who continuously follows you no matter how many times you threaten to kill her? Do you have the urges to go blow up Oz and impale an arrogant monarch on a yard stick? Then call 1-800-" The voice was suddenly cut off.
"Ugh, get off the air Heero! You suck at advertising," a different voice was heard faintly.
"Omae o korosu Duo!"
"Hai, hai," the more cheery voice retorted. "You'll kill me, ne?"
"… grr…"
"Hurry up Maxwell!" a more arrogant voice now snapped.
"Fine Wu-kun," Duo sighed resignedly. He spoke in a very encouraging and professional voice. "Please call 1-800-0-SYSTEM today so that we may help you with your interesting problems at Heero Yuy's Hotline for the Suicidal and Homicidal."
Heero glared at Duo. "Baka, why did you do that?"
Duo shrugged. "Like I said, you suck at advertising ."
Trowa raised an eyebrow, "I suppose that Heero isn't always the Perfect Soldier, ne?"
Quatre coughed, trying to stifle his laughter. "Stop teasing him," he chuckled.
Heero averted his glare to the tall uni-banged boy. "I'm the Perfect Soldier, not the Perfect Salesman!"
Duo sniggered. "Perfect Salesman…" He burst out laughing.
Heero pointed his gun at the snickering pilot of 02 and tightened his finger on the trigger.
"Kuso…" Duo's eyes widened as movement was instantly considered a good thing and began to run.
"Gomen, gomen, gomen!!!" Duo yelled as Heero continued to fire his gun at him.
Bring!!!
Quatre sighed and picked up the phone. "Konnichiwa! Is this the S&H?"
The blonde pilot looked inquisitively at the receiver. "S&H?"
"Yeah, you know, Suicidal and Homicidal Hotline?" the voice sounded slightly amused.
"Yes," Quatre gestured desperately to a silent Trowa, greatly amused Wufei, screaming Duo, and extremely irritated Heero.
"Hello?" The voice sounded very impatient.
Quatre looked frantically and pulled on the passing Duo's braid. "Sit."
Duo sat down and put on a headset. "Moshi, moshi?"
"Uh, hi," the voice chirped. "May I speak with Heero please?"
Wufei glared at the speaker phone. "Listen ONNA!!! Why would you want to talk to Heero when the rest of us are all perfectly capable of solving your pathetic little issues?"
"……How did you know I was a female?"
"I'd have to be deaf, onnako, to not know!"
"…And a girl?"
Heero shoved Wufei out of the way. "Moshi, moshi?"
"HEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Relena's voice blasted through the phone. Heero grimaced and took out his gun.
"Urusai!" he snarled and blew the machine into oblivion. With that, he started to laugh insanely (Zero laugh.) "Ninmu Kanryou!"
Duo sighed and pulled out another phone from under the desk. After a minute of silence, the newly plugged in phone rang again. He sighed and picked it up.
" 'Heero's' Hotline for the Suicidal and Homicidal. Duo speaking, how may I help you?" he announced cheerfully.
"I'd like to speak to Chang Wufei please…"
Duo looked over his shoulder to see a sulking Chinese Pilot. "Um let me see if I can hook him up…" He walked over to the glowering Asian and tapped him on the shoulder with a headset. "Ne Wu-man? I think it's Sally Po on the phone."
Wufei shook his head adamantly. Duo sighed again. "Gomen demo Wufei isn't able to come to the phone now. I however, am willing to listen ^-^"
Wufei watched as Duo began to chat amiably with Sally and glared. Finally he picked up the headset.
"-And I'm thinking about shoving a drain pipe down his bulbous throat!" Sally's voice said sweetly.
Duo nodded sagely. "Hai, but wouldn't a flame-thrower be better?"
"Yeah, but Lady Une confiscated the flame-throwers ever since last week's incident…. You were there weren't you?"
"Oh yeah… Well how about a bazooka?"
"Nah… Maybe I'll use the sledge hammer like you suggested."
"Why not?"
Wufei had already turned a livid purple and couldn't suppress his urge to justify… "INJUSTICE!!!" he yelled.
"Wufei?" Sally asked softly.
"Nani weak onna?"
"YOU ARE DEAD!!! YOU DRANK ALL THE COFFEE LAST WEEK WITHOUT MAKING ANOTHER BATCH FOR THE REST OF US!!!
Duo hung up while the two began a yelling match. "Oi," he said, shaking his head.
Heero glared at him from a game of BS. "Who's that?" he asked.
"Sally."
Trowa's eye's widened. "Coffee incident?"
"Most likely," Duo said nonchalantly, watching the game bemusedly while Quatre kept and tally board at hand.
Wufei suddenly slammed the phone down and stormed to Kaen's office. Various pounding sounds and explosions were heard. Finally he calmly walked out, a benign smirk on his lips.
Just then, Shiryuu raged into the studio with a sad looking scrap of metal in her hands. "ALRIGHT WHO SMASHED MY CD PLAYER???!!!!" she screamed.
Heero went for an eye to eye glare, Duo and Quatre sweatdropped, Trowa stared off into space, while Wufei smirked…
"It was you wasn't it?" Shiryuu growled and pulled out a pair of surgical scissors and started to hack away at Wufei's ponytail viciously, but all that slicing that should've reduced a normal person's head into spaghetti strips, was useless…. The arrogant pompous ignoramus sat there, smirking triumphantly.
"Somebody help me here," Shiryuu panted. "I think it's his ponytail… I can't cut through it, not even with my thermal glaive!"
Duo and Trowa looked knowledgeably at each other.
Shiryuu stared at them through those famous large teary Anime eyes and started talking in a extra chibi-ish voice. "Onegai? Please teach me the secrets of how to cut through a gel clogged ponytail? You two are the most learned in the hair department!"
Duo sighed in defeat. "Should we?" he asked Trowa. "Sally would be very happy."
Trowa shrugged. "What ever is best for the world."
Duo grinned. "Okay." He turned to Shiryuu. "Now, here's the secret….."
Shiryuu's eyes went wide.
"And …….."
Nod.
"Oh, and don't forget ………"
"Arigatou Duo-kun!" Shiryuu jumped and went into the kitchen.
"What did you tell her?" Quatre asked curiously.
Trowa spoke for him. "Liquid arsenic," he murmured.
Wufei blanched. "N-nani? INJUSTICE!!! NO WAY AM I LETTING A WEAKLING ONNAKO NEAR ME WITH LIQUID ARSENIC!"
Quatre's eyes widened. "Since when did the kitchen supply liquid arsenic?"
Duo smirked. "We supplied her with the recipe…"
Heero glared. "Urusai!"
Suddenly the phone rang again…
"Moshi moshi?" Heero muttered.
"Hi, um, I have this problem where I can't stop shoving my best friend's braid down the toilet and threaten to flush, or else he'd be on a rampage… What can I do?"
Heero mused over this newly acquired information a bit. Finally…
"Stop threatening and cut the d*** thing off." He paused. "And don't call back if it doesn't relate to homicidal or suicidal problems."
"W-what?"
Heero shrugged and hung up.
Duo walked over. "Who was that?"
"Hilde."
Duo panicked. "What did she say?"
Heero shrugged. "Nothing." He waited patiently by the phone while one word ran repeatedly in his mind. Black mail… Black mail… Black mail…

<Meanwhile, Wufei had captured our toxic chemicals-happy little author and bound and gagged her…>

Again the phone rang. "Ohayo Heero-kun," a soft voice purred over the phone.
"Quatre it's for you!" he called, frantic to get rid of the evil thing in his hands.
"Anou, I wonder who would want to speak to me of a S&H hotline," the blonde Arabian mused and put on his head set.

<After a second or so>

"AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! URUSAI!!!! URUSAI!!! URUSAI!!!!!!" The pilot of Sandrock jumped Heero and stole the homicidal pilot's gun. "SHINE AND DON'T BOTHER SURRENDERING!!!!" he yelled, sending a volley of bullets at the phone. When the dust and smoke cleared, it was obvious that Quatre had done a very thorough job with the machine.
Again Duo sighed and pulled out another phone. "I hate this job," he muttered and went back to playing go-fish with Trowa.
Wufei came back with some rope and finished tying the helpless SD form of the author. "Mwuahahaha," he cackled.
Trowa looked up from his game and a small evil grin played on his lips. "Got any Dorothies?" he asked softly, but audibly enough so that Quatre could hear.
"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" the blond pilot cowered in his revolving chair.

<Shiryuu suddenly changes back into Kaen and escaped her bonds… Kaen + anger = revenge…>

Trowa glances at the last phone in the stock. "… I wonder if Cathy will call…"
As if on cue, {Gomen ne minna, my quality of work is deteriorating rapidly as you can see ^-^;;} the phone rang for presumably the last time…
Bring!
Trowa looked at the other immobile pilots. "…Fine!" he burst out after they looked expectantly at him.
"….?" He looked at the phone expectantly.
"Hi, is um Nanashi there?"
"…..!"
"I have a message from Catherine Bloom and Midii Une."
"…. ><;;;"
"One is, 'You are a selfish man Trowa, to be supplying Suicidal knowledge to other people."
"…?!?"
"And the other is…" the voice paused to take in a large breath.
"………"
"NANASHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The voice yelled.
Heero shot up from his chair and took out his gun. "Only Relena could scream like that, so…" He clicked off the safety. "Nimnu henko ryoukai!"
Duo stared at the phone in horror and leapt at the furious pilot of 01. "NO!"
Trowa restrained Duo while still trying to plug in cotton balls. "It must be done," he whispered hoarsely even as the bullet shots rang through.
Duo stared helplessly as the missiles pierced the plastic armor of the last phone in the building resulting in a tremendous explosion.
"Nimnu kanryou," Heero chuckled and walked out of the room.
Trowa went on air again. "Due to some strange occurrences, The Suicidal and Homicidal Hotline is no more. Please enjoy your day."

~Owari~

Duo: Well How did I do?
Kaen: Since you yourself didn't speak to Hilde, she gave you a 60%
Duo: K'so <Gets in a fist fight with Heero>
Kaen: Relena gave you a 100% for some reason Heero. <Puzzled look>
Heero: <Fist fighting with Duo> Hn.
Wufei: <Pompous glare> Hurry up onnako!
Kaen: <Glower> Sally and I both came up with this. <Holds up a 35%>
Wufei: Injustice! Kaen no gaki!
Kaen: <Impish grin> True, true ^-^ Trowa got a 75% because he listened but didn't really do anything else, and Quatre… <Confused frown> Dorothy merely sent an epee and a fruit basket.
Quatre: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kaen: <Plugs ears> Remind me to never do this kind of fic again. <Turns to readers> Well minna? That ending sucked didn't it? <Sigh> I'll try to do better next time… I hope… kudasai mina-san REVIEW!!! ::scowls:: That's the last time I ever be so egotistical and pamper my inner SDness.