Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ I Wanna Dissapear ❯ I Wanna Dissapear ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. Heero and Duo are not mine. I remain poor.

Warnings: Male/Male, sex, NCS (sorta), hurt/comfort, alcohol, drugs

Note to reader: What I'm gonna try to do here is make each folloing chapter a song-fic, and the song will reflect what is going on in the chapter. i am VERY willing to accept song suggestions that readers may think will fit, but dont need them. I am working on the second chapter now, but it may take awhile as I have about 4 projects going on at once.


Duo sat in front of the mirror in his room prepering to go out for the night. He was wearing very loose fitting black jeans with the seams done in white thread, and a black fishnet shirt. He wore his chestnut hair loose so it's shiny locks hung over his back and the tops of his legs. At the mirror he was applying mascara to make his violet eyes seem even bigger than they already were. He stood up to examine himself in the full length mirror that hung behind his door. He spun around slowly to take in his whole appearence.

"Dammit!" He grabbed a hair tie from his dresser and pulled his hair back into a braid. he went back to the mirror and spun around again, smiling approvingly. "Now they can see how good my ass looks in these pants."

Once he got to the club he made a beeline for the bar and ordered a drink. The bar was the best place to meet the kind of people that he was looking for. It didn't take very long at all for an attractive man to come up to Duo, telling him how beautiful hew was and offering him drinks. Duo kept up a polite conversation while accepting the drinks. He wasn't really interested in conversation, but he didn't want to seem too easy now did he? He slightly hinted to the man that he would like to take the party away from the bar scene and into more private quarters. the man quicly agreed and paid the bartender.

Duo led the man to a motel room that he rented out earlier that day. It was his regular room. As soon as they got into the room Duo closed the door, dropped to his knees, and proceeded to suck the guy off.

Apparently this man was one who tends to get violent when horny because he roughly grabbed Duo's hair and forced him to go down faster and faster. When he had had enough of that he proceeded to throw Duo onto the bed, pull off his pants, and fuck him as rough and hard as he could, not even caring to use the lube that Duo had so carefully placed on the nightstand. When the man had finished with his fun and passed out Duo crept out of the bed and searched his own pants pockets until he found what he was looking for. he went to the small table in the room, poured out his cocaine, and cut it into three neat lines. He snorted them all. he had more at home.

When he was done he got dressed and climbed out the window so that the man wouldnt hear the door. The room was paid for so it shouldn't cause a problem.

He wandered the streets, trying to get back to the house while the coke brought him reeling into his mind.

(Look at me now,
Got no religion)

He passed a church and began to laugh. He thought about Father Maxwell. Oh, Father Maxwell taught him so much and it all went to waste. He didn't believe in God! How could anyone? How could anyone believe in a god when everyone they love dies? There couldn't be a god.

(Look at me now,
I'm so vacant)

Death. Now death is something a person can believe in. Death is something you can see, something you can touch, that you can smell. Death is something you can bring. He could bring death so easily. He could have killed that man in the motel room tonight just for being so rude to him, but he had wanted to get fucked tonight. His need for sex superceded his need for respect, as it often did. But you wouldn't want to see what the people who forced him looked like now.

(Look at me now,
I was a virgin.
Look at me now,
Grew up to be a whore)

Tonight he had wanted sex. He wanted it almost every night. The first few times that it happened he didn't really want it. He was scared to do it, but he needed the money to survive and it paid well. And so the world has what it sees before it now. Sexpert Duo Maxwell, at your service. It was a job.

(And I want it,
I believe it)

But now it was just fun.

(I'm a million differant things,
Not a one you know)

None of his friends knew about all that. they just saw him as forever a stupid kid who couldn't keep his mouth shut for more than ten seconds. Let them think that. It was so much easier to let them believe the lie. If they knew the truth they would make him stop. And he couldn't let that happen.

(hey, and our mommys are lost now,
Hey, daddys someone else)

he couldn't let them do something as rash as that. To him, this was therapy. It was his shrink that never talked back or gave bad advice. He wanted it, needed it.

(Hey, we love the abuse,
because it makes us feel lkie we are needed, now)

He was all alone in the world and no one really needed him.There was the guys, but they didn't even really know him. How much could they need him? No, if he died it wouldn't matter to anyone. But with these men, for just a little while each night, they needed him. They needed him to suck their cocks. They needed him to spread his legs. They needed him to be their personal little whore so that they could forget whatever it was they needed to. And he needed them too.

(But I know...)

Duo got back to the house he was living in with the other ex-gundam pilots, climbeld the wall, and went in through the window to his room. In the dark, he went strait to his dresser and threw al;l of the clothing out of the top drawer and onto the floor. he removed a false bottom to reveal several plastic bags filled with cocaine and marijiuana. he brought oput one bag of each to the round mirror table in the middle of his room and rolled out several joints, each laced with cocaine, and then lit one up. His eyes adjusted to the dark and so he walked over to the mirror to observe his current state. He found that his hair was loose and dripping wet. His clothes were sticking to his skin and equally soaked. Wow. He couldn't have been so out of it that he didn't even realize that it was rainingg. His makeup was all over his eyes insted of in its designated spot. He had a large, purple bruise on the left side of his face, another one across his throat, and several bruises across his wrists. He was sure that there were more on his hips and on his legs, but his pants covered those. His mind flashed back to the image that was in the mirror earlier that night. He sure didn't look like that now. No smile this time. Now he looked like the drugged up aftermath of abuse. Still in front of the mirror, he fell to his knees and started to cry.

(...I wanna dissapear)

He crawled back to the table groping for a new joint and a lighter when the light suddenly turned on. His first reaction was to shut his eyes but then he looked over at the door. He hadn't even heard it open, and it was closed now. "Heero---"

Heero looked at the pitiful sight of Duo, looking like a drowned rat, mascara running down his cheeks, reaching for the drugs on the table. Heero frowned and said, "I saw you leave. I was waiting for you to come back."

Duo turned back to the table, angry that he had been caught sneaking out, and angry that he was caught in the state he was in now. He turned back to Heero smiling. "Well, now you know I'm back so you can go to bed now."

Heero walked to Duo and stood over him. "I know what you've been doing. I followed you. Why are you doing this to yourself?"

(I wanna die young,
Sell my soul)

Duo smiled sadly. No use in lying now. Might as well just throw away the facade and tell the truth. He was too tired to think up a good lie anyway. He looked down at his reflection in the table. "Well, to be perfectly honest, I want to die but I guess I'm too chicken shit to off myself. And so I live a life of excess and hope things will take care of themselves."

(Use up all your drugs,
Make me come)

He picked up the joint he had been reaching for and lit it, taking a deep pull.

(Yesterday I was a nihist,
Now today I'm just too fucking bored)

Duo stood up and walked around the room, still smoking. A bit of his rush was coming back and he was getting more confident. "There's nothing else left for us. We did our part. The war is over. No one needs us anymore. Sure, they needed us when stuff was bad, but there has been peace for years. We're just memories now. That bothered me, for awhile it did. We were so young and we fought there stupid war and gave up everything for their goddamn peace and they can't even remember who we are. But you know what, Heero?"

Heero looked like he was not amused. "What?"

(By the time I'm old enough
I won't know anything at all)

Duo threw his hands up into the air. "I don't fucking care anymore! I just doesn't matter. Because if they can forget, so can I. No reason I shouldn't. I gotta admit, it's not as easy as I thought it was gonna be. But ya just have a few drinks, light up a joint, have a few bumps and move on to more pleasnent things..."

(Hey, and our mommys are lost now
hey, daddys someone else)

Duo walked up to Heero, the pot making him horny, the coke making him bold. "Hey Heero?" He said, tracing his finger up and down Heeros chest. "Have you ever fantisized about me?"

Heero said sternly, "I refuse to acknowledge that question. You are high and you don't know what you're talking about."

(Hey, we love the abuse
Because it makes us feel like we are needed, now)

Duo pulled off his wet shirt and tossed it away. "I may be high Heero, but I know exactly what I'm doing." he lowered himself to his knees and tried to unzip Heeros pants but Heero pushed him away and he fell on his ass. Duo looked up at Heero in shock. "I just want you to fuck me, Heero."

(But I know...)

Heero looked down on him with barley restrained anger. "Well, I won't"

(...I wanna disappear)

Duo just sat there looking at Heero, tears starting to well up in his eyes. He was NOT used to gettong turned down. He just needed for someone to need him. But the only one there was Heero and he was just not cooperating. He looked around the room quick then darted over to the table, dumping out the whole bag of coke into one big pile. He grabbed a straw and started snorting. Fuck the lines.

Heero grabbed the wrist of the hand holding the straw. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Duo pulled his wrist back and started snorting again, saying in between inhalations, "Well, no one needs me. You don't need me, no one needs me. Fuck! You don't even wanna look at me. I'm just gonna end it now. Just a watse of space. No one will miss me. I just---"

Heero snatched the straw away from Duo and trew it across the room, then held Duos face in front of his with both hands. "Dammit Duo, I would miss you!"

Duo looked at him, confused. "What?"

Heero said, "Look, i need you. That is why I'm here. I don't waste my time with people who don't matter. You know that. I wouldn't be here if I didn't care about you. That is why I came here to stop you from doing all of this. I've known you've been snaking out, and I fanally followed you tonight. I can't let you do this to yourself. I need you."

Duo said, "Then why didn't you let me---"

"I didn't want it to be because you wer on drugs or because you were horny. I wanted it to be because you needed me too."

Duo said, "But I do need you. That's why I was gonna do it." He looked at Heero and leaned in to kiss him. heero kissed him back, more gently than anyone had ever kissed him. Heero lifted up Duo and carried him to the bed. He lay him down and showered his neck and chest with kisses. Duo pulled him back up into a deep kiss and pulled off Heeros shirt, running his hands across his muscular back and chest. Heero pushed Duo back into the cusions of the bed and kissed his way down to Duos stomach and undid the zippers and snaps of his pants. he pulled them down and revealed the forgotton bruised flesh.

Heero winced when he saw them and tried to pull away but Duo begged him to keep going, so Heero just did his best to avoid the damaged skin. He closed his eyes and tried to forget about them as he swallowed Duos cock. Duo gasped in a combination of shock and pleasure. Not too many people had done this to him before. Bucking his hips into Heeros mouth, he took one of Heeros fingers and placed it at his opening.

Taking the hint, Heero picked up the bottle of lube that had convieniently fallen out of Duos pocketand smoothed it generously onto his fingers. He gently massaged Duos opening before pushing one finger in. Hearing the moan of pleasure that this brought from Duo, Heero pulled the finger out and added another, sliding both in and out.

Duo pushed himself further onto Heeros hand and begged for more. The swelling in Heeros pants was begining to ache tremendously. He looked down at the beautiful form of Duo writhing beneth him in pleasure. "Duo, do you want me to---"

Duo gasped out beteen moans, "Please, Heero, I need you."

Heero removed his fingers from Duo and took off his pants. He quickly applied lube to his shaft and positioned himself between Duos legs. He paused, looked at Duos face , and asked, "Are you sure?"

Duo smiled up at him and said, "More sure than I have ever been."

With that, Heero took him. They came together and all of those things of dreams. Afterwards they lay together, still entwined, breathing heavily. Heero eventually rolled off of Duo and lay beside him, still holding him. Duo turned to Heero and said, "Oh, I think I may be falling in love with you."

Heero smiled. "I loved you the day I met you."

Duo smiled back. He kissed Heero and lay against him. They quickly fell asleep.

TBC

Notes: Please please please do not be discouraged by the mushiness of this ending. I promise you that there will be angst and lonliness and confusion and all of those horrible things that make a surprisingly good story. So please bear with me and look for the next chapter.