Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ If Only ❯ Chapter 1

If Only

By: NightChild

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He's using me. I know this…but part of me doesn't want to acknowledge that bitter fact. Part of me doesn't care that in the morning it'll be like this never happened, that this act that is supposed to be filled with love and bliss never happened at all. Ironic, isn't it? The "Perfect Solder" getting so utterly lost in love for this person…if this can even be called love. Is this the way that love is supposed to be?

Oh god…he's doing it again…making my senses be flooded with momentary euphoria, only to crash down, back to the stinging, burning cold reality that he doesn't mean what he's doing, really.

"I love you, Heero…" he grunts out as he finds his own release from reality--if only for a few moments--I know he doesn't mean it, he can't mean it.

"I love you too." I hear my voice rasp out, only I mean it. I would've sighed bitterly if I weren't still--barely--clinging to my ecstasy-hazed world. Reality's coming back now…painfully coming back. I don't believe that I feel tears start to prick at the corners of my eyes. I'm not supposed to cry. I can't cry.

"You're crying…" his soft, breathy voice snaps me out of my pain-filled thoughts. I feel him gently brush away my tears…and…I can almost believe that he means what he's doing…almost. I turn my head away from him, not wanting him to see how hurt, broken and alone I feel. "Don't turn away…I'm here…don't cry."

I don't respond to him…how can I? How can I take the comfort that he offers me when I know that it's just a lie? Does he know that he kills me a little every time? Does he understand that I mean it when I say that I love him? I feel more tears fighting their way from my eyes and I can just barely hear him whispering words that I can't understand…but I don't think that I'm supposed to understand those words. I feel his warm hand caress my cheek as he gently and softly wipes away my tears that I'm so damned weak for shedding. Somehow, though, I don't think he thinks of my tears as a sign of weakness…and that almost makes me wonder if he does mean the words he says.

I'm so lost in my thoughts that I nearly missed it when he asked what's wrong, why I'm crying. I don't answer. He probably knows by now that I'll never answer the question he always asks when he comes to me…when he makes me weak and cry. Part of me wants to answer, it really does…but another part of me…the part that's been hardened to the point that it's just barely alive refuses to let me answer. So I fight another losing battle with myself…and my emotions as I lay next to my violet-eyed, long-haired lover. Lover…how ironic. There's nothing but one-sided love in this "relationship"…nothing but one-sided love and lust…and…tears.

I hear him shift in bed and sigh. "Why won't you answer me, Heero? Why won't you let me in?"

'Because…I'll be hurt.' The voice in the back of my mind--the part of me that wants to let him in--answers inside my head. I know that he grows frustrated of me…of me not answering him this one simple question…but the mostly-dead part of me is always in control…except…maybe when I sleep. But I know that I'm slowly losing even that little bit of my humanity to the machine-like, dead part of me.

I hear the slightest sigh from him. Maybe I should force myself to answer…but…I know I won't…I know I don't have the strength to fight the part that's taking over. "Just…go to sleep, Heero." He mummers softly, sounding hurt, not knowing that I'll hear the hurt in his voice.

I turn over on my side, facing away from him, unable to face him a moment longer. I can't stand to hear the hurt in his voice, it always gnaws at me in the most painful way that it can. For the longest time I didn't understand why his hurt caused me pain as well. But…oh…but now I know. I know it's because I love him. If only he loved me, too. If only I could make him see that I love him and that my words aren't shallow, meaningless things. If only…. "If only you knew…." I just barely heard my voice whisper into the darkened room. I know that he didn't hear…I know that he's long asleep…. Slowly I felt sleep trying to claim me. But…I don't want to sleep. Sleep only brings me the same nothingness that I get in waking hours. Why bother to sleep if you can't dream?

Sighing, I turn over onto my other side to watch him sleep. I feel a small, sad smile tug at my mouth. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps…he looks like a fallen angel. I only wish that he were my fallen angel. Mine alone. I chuckle slightly at the possessiveness I feel for him. I've never felt so possessive of something--or someone--in my life, not even my Gundam. Yes, not even Zero has brought out this much possessiveness in me. The cold, lifeless side of me tells me that I shouldn't be this close to something…that I shouldn't be close enough to feel this possessive. Again the battle has started. I sighed heavily, realizing that I wouldn't get any sleep tonight. I gathered him up into my arms and curled against his sleeping form. "Goodnight, Duo…my love." I whisper into his hair as I rest my head on top of his.

***

AN:

Wow…was that angsty or what? This is the darkest fic I've ever written…this fic is for my friend, Holly for her support and encouragement.

Reviews are highly smiled upon…though I doubt that I'll continue this fic because I want it to be left open-ended.

Ja`ne