Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ In Dreams ❯ Guided to another world ( Prologue )

In Dreams,

by §kaara.

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Rating: G

Spoilers: None I can think of.

Warnings: Deathfic, Angst.

Summary: When Duo is killed in battle, the pilots try to turn away from the war and their responsibilities in an act of grief. But a certain someone asserts that he doesn't want it to be that way...

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A hundred days had made me older

since the last time that I saw your face

A thousand lights had made me colder

and I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles had separate

They disappeared now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you

but your still on my lonely mind

I think about you

and I dream about you all the time

Lyrics from: 'Here Without You', by 3 Doors Down.

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( * * * * * indicates scene/slight time change )

Wufei turned the explosive recording off and gripped the torn photo in his hand more tightly. Darkness seeped in through the closed hatch of his gundam, the inky blackness of night only made him feel more downcast and depressed. Running a finger down the damaged portion of the photographic paper, the Chinese pilot exhaled softly as he stared with disdain at the yellowing tape that obscured half of the braided pilot's face...

A face that he could no longer see; that life and death itself had prevented him from doing so.

Falling back into the seat in Shenlong, he frowned as another message blared at him on the view-screen. He deleted it without reading or even replying. He knew it would be another mission; knew that it would be another reprimand from Master O. It was all too predictable, really, what it would say. After all, they'd been receiving mail after mail like that for the past month or so. Always they were told to work, told that it would extinguish their grief. They were told that life would move on without Duo, and that maybe things were even easier now.

But no. Life was not easier.

In an act of defiance to their expendability, they had turned down missions. Hidden now, they answered nothing, sent nothing, and remained untraceable. Even Heero, who had initially 'hated' Duo, found cause to reject Doctor J. No longer were they so blind, and now, with the war dying down a little, they could afford to rest and think about what had happened, no matter what anyone said.

And so, they had had time to think... a lot of time to think about their lives, and what they were doing with them. It was hard, often. They never talked, and seemed to always be alone. So sudden, they needed time to cope... if they ever would cope. It wasn't something to accept, something to live with, expecting someone to just walk on in the door and things to go back to normal. There was no lesson there, only sorrow and loneliness. Duo had been the one to hold them together with his jest and with his jokes... and only now were they realising it.

True, they were at risk, but the risk was forgotten. The only think that mattered now was Duo.

But, Wufei decided, this 'time off' was not merely recollection. A lot of it involved guilt, and a lot of it revolved around pity. Heero, the 'least emotional' of all of them had distanced himself even more from the others. Trowa was the same. Quatre... he wasn't sure about the Arabian pilot, but perhaps he was handling it better than all of them. He was, after all, and empath - and to feel everyones emotions, not only his own, was a feat of great stability and determination.

And him? How was he handling it?

It seemed the image of Duo's gundam exploding was permanently imprinted on his mind. Never had he expected it to happen to one of them, but it had. Never had he expected one of them to go out like that, least of all Duo. The threat had always seemed too distant. So unsure. Reality, it seemed, had a way of reminding people of what could be sure and true.

It was a loss unspoken of, but never forgotten. After all, how could one forget such a thing like that?

Wufei shook his head. No, he had never been particularly close to the self-proclaimed Shinigami. But it didn't mean he didn't want to be. Guilt stole his heart with an icy hand as he realised he'd never been anything more than cruel do Duo. Always silencing him, he had treated the braided boy with more contempt than was fair, and had avoided him whenever possible.

The affectionate nicknames like 'Wu' and 'Wu-man' often meant as a joke by Duo had been taken seriously on the surface, but he had never taken it to heart. In fact, Wufei had never really cared either which way what he had been called. It was just an act of pride on his part; just a way for him to keep the walls up around his heart. Closeness, after all, wasn't something welcomed by a soldier. No. The two had not been close...

But that did not mean a thing underneath it all. Duo had meant more to him than he had ever said. Now that he was gone, and things were falling to pieces around them, he wished he had talked to him more. If he had known that this would happen, and that they could not have prevented it, then he would have said so much... because now, there was too much that he wanted to say. For all the good it would do. He only hoped that Duo had known what he had never had the courage to say...

He hoped...

No, Wufei thought. Hope is useless. It will get me nowhere.

But still...

He furiously brushed away the excess moisture from his eyes, frowning at the tears that threatened to spill from them. He would not cry. In his opinion, he owed Duo that much strength, and that much will.

So, when he could no longer hold his grief, and could no longer hold his thoughts, Wufei did the only thing he could do. Closing his eyes, he calmed his breathing, relaxed his muscles, and began to meditate.

* * * * *

In no time, it seemed, he fell into an exhausted sleep - not his aim by any stretch of the imagination, but better than nothing. Maybe, he thought, I can escape my demons there.

The sleep, however, was not a calm one.

Dizzyingly, Wufei found himself thrown through a skyscape where he was landed on the ground gently. In seconds he knew it to be a dream, and any panic that had risen in his chest drew out into confusion as he surveyed the ground around him.

The air was hazy, and it appeared to be morning... but morning where? The location was nowhere he knew, but it seemed fitting... for what, though, he didn't know. There was a simple cottage, wooden, aged. Rugged, it held a beauty unknown, and lay poised -he soon saw - precariously at the foot of a small valley. A large tree stump, the only one in a valley where you couldn't see the forest for the trees, sat defiantly by the door.

Moving to take a seat, the Asian pilot didn't hear anyone sneak up on him, but jumped at the suddenness and sound of the voice behind him.

"Fancy meeting you here."

It can't be... Wufei whipped around on his makeshift seat, and blinked with widened eyes at the image before him. A dream, he reminded himself, all a dream. "Duo?" He stood and took an involuntary step backward.

"Aw, come on, you didn't actually want to see me?" Duo ducked his head slightly and looked up at him with clear amethyst eyes while he picked imaginary dust from his shirt.

"You're dead," Wufei quipped bluntly.

There was a sigh. "That again... it keeps coming up." The braided former pilot glanced upward and around, before focussing intense eyes on the startled boy. "Yes, it's true, I am dead," he pointed a rueful finger, "but you, Wu, are not."

Shrugging off the craziness, Wufei felt the urge to snap. A dream. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"What I mean, Wu, is that you four are not, by any stretch of my very vivid imagination, living."

"We are."

"If you call living turning down missions and hiding out in the middle of nowhere away from the battles and the scientists, then sure, 'Fei, go right ahead and call it what you want." The pouty expression on Duo's face made the Shenlong pilot think hard.

"You don't approve."

"Heck no."

"Heck no?"

Another sigh. "There's no language barrier in heaven, Wu, that includes cursing."

"Heaven? Cursing?"

"Yes and yes, but that's not what I came here to talk to you about." The braided boy's face turned suddenly serious. "No more rejecting Master O, or any more orders, either."

"Maxwell, it's in honour of your memory. You didn't deserve that! No one deserves that... It was a hopeless mission that should have been dumped. There was no honour in G making you do-"

"You can't do anything about that now. If I had of known-"

"You couldn't know-"

"Exactly! There was nothing that could have been done about it. It was meant to happen, whether I liked the idea or not."

"So it's too late..."

"It's not too late for victory."

"Victory is now shallow, Duo Maxwell, that mission was a shallow-"

Duo's voice rose. "You can't turn down this mission, Wufei."

The Chinese pilot ignored the reference to his full name. He cocked his head, wondering what craziness had lead him to a dream like this... wondering why he was feeling emotions in something that was only a superficial image. "Why?"

"I can't tell you more than I have."

"What do you know."

"I can't tell you, Wufei."

The name, twice now. "But you know about this mission?" Was this a dream, or forewarning? "Maxwell?"

Duo bowed his head and fiddled with his braid with hands that were visibly shaking. "I do. And you can't pass this opportunity by."

"Opportunity? I-"

"Do it for me, Wu, please?"

The Shenlong pilot stopped dead with anything that he was going to say. Duo was not begging, was not asking with contempt, but was speaking with a worrying kind of respect. There was desperation in his voice, and that was something Wufei was not willing to ignore.

Duo suddenly sat on the makeshift seat, tugging thoughtfully at his braid. A gesture known to Wufei as one he had used in life. How is my brain able to remember that? That detail? I can even smell the shampoo he used in his hair. And it was true, he could.

Did you have a sense of smell in a dream?

A dream?

Am I dreaming?

He wasn't too sure anymore.

As if reading his mind, Duo looked up as Wufei sat down at his feet. "You know it's not a dream, Wufei. I'm actually here."

He didn't deny it, didn't question Duo's knowledge. He didn't lie... the real Duo told only the truth to them, but what about in dreams? "How?"

"I don't know, but I'm taking the time to talk to you now."

"Just - why me? What about the others? Heero?"

"Them too, but you for the moment, okay? Right now, I'm here for you."

They fell silent, and so Wufei didn't reply. His brain struggled for words, and struggled even for thoughts, his mind blank. He'd had so much he realised that he'd never said to him, and had previously had so much that he'd wanted to say. Why was it that now, his mind couldn't make sense of anything?

A sharp pain in his upper arm shattered his reverie, and Wufei looked up to see Duo with a small grin on his face, hands held in a pincer-like grip firmly on his arm.

"Wake up."

"Ha. Ha." The irony was not lost on him.

There was an uncomfortable lack of noise that Wufei found himself struggling for words when Duo didn't say anything more. He looked up, seeing how the braided former-pilot still sat on the trunk, his head resting on his hands, his eyes closed. Wufei felt honest words spring to his mind, and he shifted to sit by the braided boy, putting an arm on the slim shoulder.

"We do miss you, Duo. I miss you." The words seemed painfully inadequate, but he couldn't manage anything more. He wouldn't cry. This was a dream. I will not cry.

"I know, 'Fei. It's so good to see that you haven't forgotten."

Something in the words wrenched the heart right from his chest. Now was the time to say anything... "Duo... I know I'm asleep right now, but-"

"I am here. This is real."

"Hm." How do I say this? "I wasn't always kind to you, Maxwell..."

"Wu, it doesn't matter any-"

"No, listen Duo. I was never really kind to you. You were always friendly to me... I just, have this tendency to push people way, to stop them from getting close. I never meant to hurt you, at all, but I was still always telling you to shut up. Always pretending not to listen to a word you had to say-"

"-Wu-"

"But I did. I listened, Duo. I never let slip that I did, but I always did. I'm sorry I never said, Duo, but you are-"

"-Were-"

"-An enigma. Awe cannot describe how your energy, your laughter, made us feel. I was shallow to hide how I felt, but words cannot simply change that now."

"Sure, you can't change much, 'Fei, but you always made me feel loved. I never had much in my life, but you guys were always there for me when I needed it most. I know we always bickered, Wu, but that still gave me attention. You never fully ignored me."

"Loved? Duo, you were more than loved. Honour-"

"You guys were - are - loved too, you know. Not just by me. Stop pushing each other away. Quatre feels all your pain. Imagine how he's feeling."

"I know."

"You can't stop everything just because I'm gone. You can't hold it away."

"Maxwell, it's just not fair that-"

"Life's not fair, Wu. You have to move on. It's only in life that I'll not see you again."

"What? In death?"

Duo smiled. "Death is a whole different ball game. When it's your time - and not before - then I'll see you all again."

"Fact?" Hope surged with a hot flame in his chest.

"You know me, Wu, it's like bargaining with the devil. Only on the other end of the scale. I struck a deal."

"You said you were in heaven?"

"I am."

"You bargained with..."

Duo's previous grin widened. "Yep. Only with the best, Wu-man."

"Duo!" Wufei was shocked, but the braided ghost - on what to call him, he wasn't sure - only laughed harder. His lips quivered, and tears flowed freely out of his eyes. But were those signs of happiness or discontent and sorrow? Wufei felt like shaking his head in puzzlement. It seemed that even in death, Duo's mask was still in place.

So was their constant bickering, and it showed as they talked for what seemed like minutes, seconds. With the memories that they discussed, though, it could only have been hours.

A shared joke. A nervous laugh. It was as if it was the real him. A sidelong glance revealed the trademark smirk. So common. So real. Wufei had long since shoved away the thought that this was merely a dream... if it was, then it was utter cruelty.

Then a thought occurred to him: there was no way that this would last forever. Then...? Serious, all jokes pushed to the back of his mind, Wufei turned to Duo, who raised an eyebrow and wiped tear from his eye. Wufei himself, had been hard pressed to stop the tears from flowing.

"How long do we have?"

Duo picked at his braid and closed his eyes for a second, then sighed. "Not long, Wu. Not long at all."

"And after this? This is it, isn't it?" Duo's face was doubtful. "What about in dreams? At all? Like this?"

"In dreams, and in death."

"Then..." Wufei felt his voice fade into silence, and his shoulders visibly slumped from their customary strong line. This time he couldn't stop the tears from coming. He wouldn't. He no longer cared; he owed Duo that much.

And then, all too suddenly, Duo flickered beside him, and the Chinese boy choked on a sob as his heart flipped nervously in his chest. "This is it?"

Duo visibly sagged, then nodded, though there was obvious bewilderment in his expression. "You're waking up. I thought we had longer than this."

"Duo, I-"

"I have to go." And with that, he stood. Even as the violet-eyed pilot said it, he flickered in and out of existence again. But for longer this time. A lot longer.

"Not without goodbye, Duo!" Duo's image suddenly strengthened from its pulsating dimness, and Wufei found himself in the American boy's arms, wondering how he had got there so quickly. He let the tears flow freely, not bothering to wipe them away or hide them anymore, thinking how strange it was that Duo could fade in and out of sight, but still remain solid.

Was it a sign? That Duo was actually still in their lives even in death? That they just couldn't see or hear him?

This time hope blossomed freely, and Wufei did not withhold it. This was goodbye. This was different. Goodbye in a dream, in life, though, didn't make any difference. At least this time, he would get a chance to accept it. Eventually.

After a minute or so, there was a gasp, and a fierce growl. "Wu? You have to let me go."

"No." Childish, but it was not like he cared anymore.

"I can't leave unless you do. It's harder this way. Please don't make it any worse."

"Then what?"

"I'm not sure, but I just know." And with that, he stepped backward.

"Then this is goodbye."

"Only one, Wufei. Talk to them, okay? Promise? It isn't goodbye forever, remember. Only for one-"

And then he was gone. Cut off and absent as quickly as he'd come, he just flickered and faded out. Desperately, Wufei reached forward, slumping to the ground as he only encountered thin air.

Duo's scent was gone.

His voice was gone.

And as quickly as he, himself, had arrived, everything faded to black, and he was gone too.

* * * * *

With a gasp, Wufei sat forward in his seat, his harness cruelly catching on his tousled hair. Something wet and warm trailed down his cheeks, and hastily, he reached a shaking hand up to find that it was only tears.

Only.

He looked around and caught his breath. It was morning, he could see that clearly on his view screen as his display showed sunlight filtering in through the window to their makeshift storage hangar.

Morning. He sighed as despair tore his heart to shreds. So it had really been a dream. Only a dream. Again, like in the hallucination, he let the tears flow, and the pain keep coming. Vision or not, Duo had been right. If he kept it at bay, the pain would only keep on coming.

* * * * *

After what seemed like forever, the weeping stopped, and the ragged sobs came fewer. The tears had run dry long ago.

Wondering how long he'd been enclosed in the confines of his gundam, Wufei sat up from his curled self-embrace, and finally recognised the photo he held in his hands as his. Fresh memories stirred, and he looked quickly away. Him and Duo. Smiling. Alive. Shaking his head furiously, the Shenlong pilot stood and unlocked the hatch that was the entrance to his mecha, pushing the vivid image to the back of his mind.

Putting his hands on the side of the Gundanium opening, he was about to push himself out of it when something wet stuck to his fingers; something wet that was thicker than tears.

Taking a step back as he looked at the digits in question, Wufei blinked in shock and confusion as the dim lighting in his gundam revealed the colour of the liquid: pink. Bright, highlighter pink. Like the kind Duo had...

"Duo..."

Leaping out of his gundam, Wufei held the photo in his clean hand, landing roughly on the floor of the shed. Counting in his head, he spun around, realising futily that nothing could have prepared him for the sight that he saw now.

Pink. It was all pink. Not only his gundam, but Sandrock, Wing and Heavyarms, too. Head to mechanical toe, they were covered in the rudest pictures and designs. But like the paint, the images were also very familiar.

Sitting down hard on the unforgiving concrete, Wufei paid no heed as he heard footsteps in the corridor behind him. Voices, blending into a herd of confusion, rung in a buzzing haze. Then the door opened, and they became understandable. Quatre, Heero, Trowa...

"Wufei, what's going on? I felt - oh Allah!"

"What? Oh holy shit!"

"Wha-"

The shocked voices were quickly drowned out by Wufei's incomprehensible mind as something drew his eyes to the photo he now held with a death-grip in his hands. He ignored them as they also sat down, too in shock to say anything coherent.

The photo. Something was wrong with the... "Oh Nataku," he whispered as the implications struck him.

The image of Duo and him was perfect. The disintegrating tape that had previously held the torn photograph together was gone. Not a scratch or a smudge marred the surface, and no indication was there at all that it had been damaged in the first place. Duo's face was full and unmarked. He turned it over, ignoring the impulse of revulsion that crept up his spine as the writing on the back jumped out at him.'Wufei, I knew you wouldn't fully believe me when you were awake. But you know that I don't lie, so I thought I'd better back that up. A nice job on the paint, don't ya think? You won't get rid of that - or me - so easily. Look after everyone for me, and remember to talk. Remember the mission. And remember to let go... for now. Yours in life and beyond, and goodbye for only one life,

Duo Maxwell.'

Limp fingers dropped the image. The writing had not been there before, it had not... but was it possible? The crazy sight before him indicated that was a yes.

Others scrambled to pick the picture up, wide-eyed at the scene before them. They chattered in startlement, and partial anger, but for Wufei it was all the confirmation he needed - he didn't need to be an empath to feel his presence. Duo was with them... just not in the living.

He surveyed the paint job a last time, before smiling as the tears again coursed down his cheeks. This time the Duo was right: dye was going to stay.

And this time, he was going to accept the mission...

Just like he accepted this was not the last time he was ever going to see, or hear from one Duo Maxwell.

OWARI

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