Series: Gundam Wing

Inner Torment: Breaking the Habit

Lyrics by: LINKIN PARK

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom. If there is any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say is, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

//Memories consume

Like opening the wound

I'm picking me apart again

You all assume

I'm safe here in my room

[unless I try to start again]//

She had to be a sore sight, out here in the rain with absolutely no protection from the droplets of water. She was dripping wet, her clothing soaked through and hair matted to her damp skin, a few tendrils hanging in front of her face. But she didn't really care…and it was bothering her, but just barely, like a tiny tickle in the back of her mind that she was able to ignore quite easily.

Thunder rolled overhead but she was too far gone reliving memories to care about the possibility of lightening hitting her, too far gone to care about the present; both were confusing to her, memories and the present, but the memories were far less confusing than the present…aside from those involving…him.

But she wasn't thinking about him, at least not really… And memories were far easier to drown one's self in, easier to analyze, easier to hurt one's self with by analyzing; especially when she was analyzing every mistake she had ever made.

Like when she was five and had lied to her real mother about being sick because she had in actuality not wanted any lessons from her tutors that day. And the time when she had cheated on a test because she had been too lazy to study the night before and had wanted to go to a friend's party instead of studying; and then there was the-no, there were the times when she had thrown a fit because she had not gotten what she wanted. She was such a spoiled brat…she should have kept that bomb with her for just a little longer, instead of giving it back to Une…

But the crème de la crème of it was, that she had brought all of this upon herself. She had no one to blame but herself. She couldn't fault the others for thinking she was safe in her own home; but she wasn't safe, not from herself, not from her own thoughts…

//I don't want to be the one

The battles always choose

'Cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused//

But she was so tired…tired of being placed for the blame of everything that went wrong… That was natural, right? She didn't know, she didn't know anything anymore. God she was so confused! She used to be so competent! What happened? Why was all this happening to her? Why were the battles always choosing her to play some role in them? It was like everyone expected her to know how to solve things, but-but she was just as confused as they were…

Or was that why they looked to her to solve things? To see her struggle? To see her slowly waste away as she worked out their problems for them? No, that couldn't be it…could it? Oh, she was so confused!

//I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't how I got this way

I know it's not alright

So I'm

Breaking the habit

Tonight//

"And what was it all for anyway?" she asked herself aloud. "Why did I put myself through all of this just-just to lose in the end?" She honestly didn't know but-some small part of her had an answer…

'Because you thought you could make a difference in this screwed up world. You never thought that this could happen…you never thought that you would fall……'

She groaned, a hand coming up to her face to smother the inane urge she had to scream. She was so tired of having to be the one to bring up touchy/tender issues all for the sake of peace. She was tired of having to instigate the squabbles between those overstuffed aristocrats and politicians.

And then the way she had behaved downstairs earlier at dinner was inexcusable. She groaned again in dismay as she replayed the scene in her head.

---

"Hey, Lena…are you okay? You've hardly touched your plate?" Duo questioned from his seat. She looked up at him, then at her plate, and blinked as if coming out of a trance, which she actually had been in.

"Uh-I'm sorry, I'm fine…I've just-had a lot on my mind lately," she answered truthfully.

"That's understandable, but you really should eat something-" Quatre began but was cut off by Relena standing so suddenly that all eyes were on her, if they hadn't been already.

"Thank you, but I will be fine," she grounded out between clenched teeth. My God, it was only one meal! But if you added it to the lunch she had thrown up in the toilet earlier, and then the breakfast she had missed…and the previous dinner had not sat well in her stomach either…

"Miss, please, at least-" Richard began, his dark eyes pleading with her in that brotherly manner she both loved and hated.

"Would you all just lay off already?! I don't need you all dictating my life for me! I don't need any of you!" she shouted in frustration. She froze staring at their startled expressions, even Trowa had managed to raise an eyebrow at her outburst. Wufei had left sometime early; paperwork at Preventer headquarters was calling him quite diligently apparently.

Had she just-did just- "I-I-I apologize-"

"It's okay, you're just under a lot stress. No big deal Princess," Duo said, waving the outburst away nonchalantly.

---

But it was a big deal…she had never snapped at them like that. And she certainly hadn't meant to say that she didn't need them… because she truly did need them, needed their support, their belief in her.

"Damn it! What's wrong with me? Why am I acting like this?" she cursed, running a hand through the tangled, matted mess of wet blonde tresses that was her hair. When had she become such a nervous wreck? What had made her so unstable?

'I know I'm not all right… I know something's wrong but-But for the sake of the people and the peace…I have to pretend that I am okay. For the sake of the peace, for the sake of the people, for the sake of everyone…'

"But me," she finished her thought aloud. "Everyone but me…no, stop it! Think of something else-anything! Focus on anything but that!" She had to break this habit…had to…

//Clutching my cure

I tightly lock the door

I try to catch my breath again

I hurt much more

Than anytime before

I had no options left again//

Her hand clenched the handle of the cure she had snuck out of the kitchen. She didn't think any of them knew she had it, and even if they did, what would they do? Scold her? Oh yeah, like that would really solve things…

But she knew that it was also a coward's way out, a coward's escape from reality…but it hurt so badly, her life was torture now. And she couldn't think of any other options that she could hide as easily… And who cared anyway? The politicians didn't, her friends didn't, and he most certainly didn't care about her…

'Just do it, Relena,' she thought to herself. 'It can't hurt anymore than your life does already.'

She inhaled sharply as the sting of metal and flesh overtook her senses, blinding her from all other thoughts but the pain. And yet she realized, it didn't hurt as much as she'd thought it would…

She sat numbly, holding the paring knife in one hand while the other lay limply at her side; the rain pounded harder as a tears began to leak out the corner of her eyes. It hurt so much more now, knowing that she had done this to herself and it hadn't even been worth it really. It hadn't solved anything, only make things more complicated. God, she was such an idiot… And the world looked to her for advice?

//I don't want to be the one

the battles always choose

'cause inside I realize

That I'm the one confused//

Why couldn't she do anything right? She always screwed things up in the end… Why did she even bother staying in office anyway? God she was so confused about everything… All she wanted was to be a little numb right now, and the rain seemed to be helping her.

But why did it seem wrong? Why did her soul tell her that this was wrong? This was the only solution she could think of right now; amidst all the confusion and chaos Patterson's vote of no-confidence had created, this seemed like the easiest solution. But the easiest way wasn't always the right one, was it? Damn, she had screwed up again…

//I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

I don't know why I instigate

And say what I don't mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm

Breaking the habit

Tonight//

"I don't know what I'm supposed to believe in anymore," she whispered as she watched a small pink rivulet cascade over the balcony. It started right next to her cut wrist… She frowned, but just barely; would it scar?

It didn't really matter actually, and if it did, it would only remind her of her stupidity. It was her fault, everything was her fault, one way or another. And why was she still holding her position if she was screwing things up so badly anyway? Perhaps she should resign…

"Pacifism," she chuckled humorlessly. Pacifism, it was a contradiction in itself, fighting to end fighting. That's all it was, just more fighting… But was that really how pacifism was viewed? She didn't know, she just didn't know.

She sobbed in frustration, trying to quell the urge she felt to scream her head off. Why was she like this? Why was she saying and thinking things that she didn't really mean? Was it just the helpless feeling that had settled around her a couple of days ago?

//I'll paint it on the walls

'Cause I'm the one at fault

I'll never fight again

And this is how it ends//

She knew one thing was for sure though; she would never be the same, never would she hold feel as confident in herself as she had previously. Never again… And this knowledge frustrated and angered her. Delegate Patterson had stripped her of her self-confidence and she so desperately wanted it back…

'Stop wallowing in self pity!' she silently told herself. 'You've been up against worse odds!' But she couldn't help it, she didn't want to fight anymore…not for pacifism or the people…not even for herself… She had to end this, had to end it once and for all…

She instinctively gripped the handle of the knife, knuckles turning white. It was all her fault…and…his… If he had only killed her when he'd promised he would, then maybe none this would have happened. Why hadn't he kept his promise?!

//I don't know what's worth fighting for

Or why I have to scream

But now I have some clarity

To show you what I mean

I don't know how I got this way

I'll never be alright

So I'm

Breaking the habit

Breaking the habit

Tonight//

Hand still clenching the handle of the knife, Relena resisted the frustrated scream that was working its way up her throat. Why was she so unstable?

A sudden warmth caught her attention; it was coming from the hand that held the knife and as she looked up, fearful that it was Quatre or Duo or Richard, her heart constricted, nearly causing her to pass out. But she found herself staring in a pair of Prussian blue eyes and she dumbly wondered who it was. Surely it couldn't be him, she hadn't seen him in the longest time. Her mind had to be playing tricks on her-it had to be!

When he frowned and those eyes narrowed even further, she knew who it was, knew it was him. He was prying the knife from her white-knuckled grip and she watched him with dull interest. His hand was warm compared to her own cold and wet one, and she bit her lip as examined her wound, his frown deepening. It pained her slightly when he moved her wrist, but she would never tell him that, nor would she cry out from the unpleasant sting it produced.

"Just kill me please," she whispered, almost pleading with him. All she wanted was for him to end everything since he wouldn't allow her to do it herself. When he looked back at her, his Prussian blue eyes locking with her azure ones, she could just barely see regret tingeing his usual emotionless and empty gaze. And his next words made everything click into place, somewhat…okay, so not everything!

"I already have," he answered before pulling her up to stand on her own. She leaned against the wall of the building when her legs wobbled and threatened to give way under the weight of her body. And why was she feeling slightly faint?

She heard thin metal clatter against the stone and cement of the balcony when her legs finally gave and she pitched forward. The balcony rushed up to meet her but was suddenly stopped by an arm around her waist. Another arm was hooked under her legs while the one around her waist moved up to hook around her back. Her head leaned weakly against a well-toned chest as she was carried inside.

"It'll be all right," she dimly heard his voice say and she didn't know if he was trying to convince her or himself. But it was more likely himself since she knew the truth. She was never going to be all right…

He placed her in a chair near the balcony doors and quickly shrugged off his denim jacket, which was thoroughly soaked. Had it really been raining that hard? she asked herself as he shut the balcony door before returning to her side.

"Liar," she said as he kneeled next to her and took her cut wrist once again. "I'm not all right and I never will be…"

She watched him glance up at her sharply before grunting in response to her statement. All she could do was watch him, but she gazed at him dully, not interested in anything involving him. And why should she be? He hadn't made contact with her in how long? God, she had stopped counting at eleven months…and that had to be a couple of years ago.

Once he stood and moved towards her bathroom (how had he known where it was anyway?), she chuckled humorlessly again. He paused and glanced at her over his shoulder before continuing, his frown deepening even further if possible. Her chuckles died once he disappeared in her bathroom. She waited for him to return before she questioned him.

"Doshite?" she asked, reverting to Richard's native tongue. She did it so naturally now, ever since the young Preventer had taught her some simple words and phrases she found herself using them absently; and she could tell that Heero had not expected her to speak Japanese. He had jerked back slightly, surprise lightly evident in his gaze. He now, however, was looking at her expectantly as he kneeled next to her again, First Aid kit in his hands.

"Doshite? Why come back? You're not a Preventer so you have no business of being here. And I'm not your mission, do you understand? You don't have to protect me…"

She watched as he reached a hand up to her face as if to touch her, but paused a few inches away from her cheek, hovering in uncertainty. She frowned at him as he stared at her with longing and regret clearly evident in his Prussian blue eyes now.

"And I don't want you to protect me or think me to be your mission," she said, allowing her tone to grow cold. Perhaps that might help get her point across to him.

"Relena, I-" he began but cut himself off when he himself heard the strength of the emotion it was lined with. He was struggling…she could tell by the way he withdrew his hand and clenched his hands around the box he held, eyes clenched shut as he tore his gaze from hers. He was silent for a long while as he finally set about cleaning her cut and patching it up. But he was a man of few words, and she had to remind herself of that as she watched him, resentment slowly rising in her.

How dare he waltz in here as if he was coming to the rescue or some sort of shit like that! After how many years of being gone with no way to contact him?! No, she wouldn't let him continue this habit of his. Either he stayed for good or left her alone for good. She was tired of watching him leave again and again…

"I'll be downstairs explaining things to the others," he said once he was done. He stood when he had finished putting the materials back into the First Aid box and moved to the door that would lead to the hallway.

"You bastard," she growled through clenched teeth. How dare he!!!

He paused and turned to look back at her, slightly taken aback by her language. "What?"

"You heard me; how dare you come here, thinking that you can pull this kind of shit again! You are not going to pull this personal bodyguard shit!"

He raised an eyebrow at her, as if to challenge her declaration.

"I don't want you to! Do you understand?! The wars are over! I'm not a mission! I'm a person Heero! A per-son. Do you even know the difference?"

It glared at her, incensed by her questioning him about his intelligence. "Of course I know the difference!" he growled, fist clenching at his sides.

"Really? Well, you could have fooled me." She crossed her arms and gave an exasperated laugh to emphasize her point. "Well, since you claim to know the difference. I have a mission for you, Heero Yuy. Leave or stay. Your choice."

His brows knitted together as he gave her a wary look, his posture even more rigid. Good, he understood what she was asking of him. This was one habit she could and would break tonight, albeit his.

Author's Note: Sorry that Relena seems a bit bitchy towards Heero but come on, think about? For those of you girls who've had guy-friends that led you on and then say 'I'd rather just be friends,' it's frustrating, ne? It was too me, well, first I was sad, then I was confused and then I was frustrated. In any case, just bear with me, okay? I'm trying to get them to stand on more even ground, it's just going to take a little while.