Series: Gundam Wing

Inner Torment: Faint

Lyrics by: LINKIN PARK

Story written by: Tiasha

Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply. In other words: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS!!! Except Richard Morii and Delegate Patterson, and any other character unfamiliar to the show. Do not sue me for anything but my imagination, which will not get you far in the courtroom. If there is any similarities between my story and another, I apologize but all I have to say is, I guess great minds think alike after all. Ja na! Enjoy!

//I am

A little bit of loneliness

A little bit of disregard

A handful of complaints

But I can't help the fact

That everyone can see these scars//

"You thought I was just going to welcome you back with open arms?" she asked before chuckling humorlessly. "Not this time. I've grown used to being lonely and having my feelings disregarded. I'm a politician, I live with it during working hours so why not at home as well?"

Relena quickly bit her tongue to keep from saying anything else. She couldn't let him see all the pain she had endured the past few years, she just couldn't. She didn't allow herself to dwell on the fact that she was just something for God to toy with; so why should he know of all the pain she had had to endure?

So, why then, did she have the feeling that despite how well she tried to hide them, her closest friends could see all those scars? Including Heero? She didn't want him to! She didn't want any of them to! They were too painful to acknowledge! That was why she buried herself in her work! It kept her from dwelling on the fact that she was alone!

He was silent and Relena stared at him in anger. How dare he think that she would let him see the scars on her soul, especially the ones he had left. She didn't care if he had his own, all she cared about right now, was keeping him from leaving more.

//I am

What I want you to want

What I want you to feel

But it's like

No matter what I do

I can't convince you

To just believe this is real//

"I am nothing to the world of politics, Heero. I am everything they want me to be and everything they want me to feel, whether I like it or not. Patterson's vote of no-confidence should prove evidence enough," she said, hoping to get him to understand why she couldn't take him leaving her life again. It reminded her too much of how the politicians played her, as if she was their own slave who had to wait on them and their whims. To her, no one cared about who she was or how she felt…including Heero…

"That's not true and you know it," he finally spoke, frowning as he did so. "The peace rests in you! If something were to happen to you then the earth and colonies would be at war again! You are everything-"

"Everything that everyone else wants me to be. No one wants the world on their shoulders, Heero, including you and me. But I was the one made to carry that burden…I am everything and nothing. I am everything the People want me to be but I'm nothing to them in terms of a person."

"That's not true Relena!"

"Yes it is Heero! I am nothing to the world, only a symbol, a vessel for peace! I have nothing! And I am nothing!"

//So I let go

Watching you

Turn your back like you always do

Face away and pretend that I'm not

But I'll be here

'Cause you're all I got//

She watched him turn away from her, knowing that he was struggling to comprehend that all of this was true, and let alone it be coming from her; she always seemed to enjoy her job and yes, Relena had to admit that she did enjoy it but…

"You are not nothing," he grounded out and Relena closed her eyes shaking her head. She had always waited for him to return to her because he had been all that she had that helped her get through this world. His strength and determination always gave her strength to get through anything.

//I can't feel

The way I did before

I won't be ignored

Time won't heal

This damage anymore

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored//

She did not know if she could watch him turn and walk away, still holding the same feeling of hope that he would return to her. She did not think that his strength would be enough for her to get through everything this world was throwing at her. And she was so tired of him ignoring her feelings. Didn't he see that? Or was he ignoring that as well?

Time wasn't going to heal all the damage he had caused; it was only going to make it worse. Damn him! Why couldn't he understand?!

"Don't ignore me, Heero. I won't stand for it-not in my own house," she hissed angrily at him and she watched him slowly turn around to regard her with a look she couldn't quite place. Was he finally beginning to understand what she was talking about?

"Good. Now, since you seem to have the impression that the public image is really who I am, I'll let you in on a little secret."

//I am

A little bit insecure

A little unconfident

'Cause you don't understand

I do what I can

But sometimes I don't make sense//

"I am not as secure as I'm portrayed to be. I'm the first to admit it. I am insecure about my looks and habits and everything else, just like any other person. I am not confident in my decisions, not any more at least."

"Then why make those decisions if you have such doubts about them?" he baited and she rose to it, knowing that her answer would prevent her from being snared by him.

"Because you don't understand." Oh yes, she had snared him instead. He was not pleased with her answer, not pleased at all. To him, she had again questioned his intelligence.

"What?" he growled in a dangerous tone but she was not fazed by it. Why should she fear him? He couldn't keep his promise to kill her, so what worries did she have? And if he actually did succeed in killing her, then he would be doing her a favor in ridding the world of her pathetic existence. Really, the world looked to her for comfort and advice?

"I just do what I can."

"I know that!" he snapped at her but she continued as if he had said nothing.

"I do what I can, despite my doubts and even if it doesn't make much sense. Someone has to and everyone looks to me to make those decisions. And I am blamed for everything."

//I am

What you never want to say

But I've never had a doubt

It's like no matter what I do

I can't convince you

For once just to hear me out//

"You're not blamed for everything. You're never at fault! You are everything in this world!" he protested and Relena shook her head. Why couldn't he understand? Why?! Everything would be so much easier if he just understood!

"I'm sorry, but I am. And everything you and the others fought for is going to unravel. I failed…I failed to protect what you fought for," she apologized, tears pricking her eyes. She wasn't going to cry was she? She couldn't! He would see all those scars if she did! And she would not be able to convince him to hear her words if she started crying now!

"I fought during the wars for you," he whispered, causing her to look up at him. His hands were clenched into white-knuckled fists at his sides and his eyes were clenched shut, keeping her from seeing the emotion in his eyes…but his voice was betraying him this time. "I was fighting for you! Your promise of peace-I fought for you!"

//So I let go

Watching you

Turn your back like you always do

Face away and pretend that I'm not

But I'll be here

'Cause you're all I got//

"And that's probably why I just let you walk away all those times," she whispered back, not really knowing what else to say. "I knew that you were all that I had left and yet I let you walk away all those times."

He looked at her, his Prussian-blue eyes boring into her own lighter colored ones. He was breaking…she was breaking him; finally after all these years! She was getting through to him finally, even if just a little! But…

//I can't feel

The way I did before

I won't be ignored

Time won't heal

This damage anymore

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored//

But she didn't know if she really wanted him anymore. After all the pain and heartache, and fights with her brother, Milliardo, about him… She didn't know if she still wanted him, didn't know if she could ever feel the same way about him after all the pain he had caused her. Did she truly still want him?

//No

Hear me out now

You're gonna listen to me

Like it or not

Right now

Hear me out now

You're gonna listen to me

Like it or not right now//

"Relena…"

She closed her eyes, savoring the way he said her name. She just knew that after all of this, she would probably never see him again… She just knew…

"Relena, you deserve better," his voice was gruff this time and she sharply looked up at him. She deserved better? Better?! Hell, everyone deserved better! He deserved a better childhood than the one he had had…she deserved her real parents being alive to raise her. They all deserved better than what they had been given…

She shook her head; she deserved better? Better than someone who knew how to see right through her? Save now, of course.

"I'm not one you should care for…not in the sense that you're speaking of. I've killed too many people-taken too many lives-my hands are stained with blood-"

"I didn't care Heero! It didn't matter to me! Did you not realize that? All I wanted then was to be with you!" she shouted in anger and frustration. How could he be so dense? How many ways did she have to spell it out to him?

He was staring at her in a manner she, again, couldn't quite identify. "And now?" he asked in a whisper. She stared at him in surprise before looking away, not sure how to answer this question. Wow, the carpet looked so interesting all of a sudden…

//I can't feel

The way I did before

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored//

"I don't know," she answered in a flat tone, looking back up at him. The carpet hadn't been as interesting as she had first thought it had been. "You've ignored how I've felt for how long? I'm not sure if I want to feel the way I did before. All I want is to not be ignored!"

//I can't feel

The way I did before

I won't be ignored

Time won't heal

This damage anymore

Don't turn your back on me

I won't be ignored//

"Relena-I-I'm sorry-"

"You walked away so many times…I don't think I could handle it again. I don't think I would feel the same way if you did…all the pain-" she quickly cut herself off, silently cursing herself for having allowed herself to slip up. Now he would know of all the pain and scars he had left upon her.

"Relena…"

"I won't be ignored again, Heero. That's why you have to make a choice. You sacrificed so much for the sake of peace…and I sacrificed so little…what I've done-is nothing compared to the sacrifices you and the others have made."

"You lost your father," he stated, and she hated the way he said it as if he were commenting on the weather or something.

"He did it for peace, and now I suffer for him…because I loved him. Just like I suffer for you and the others."

"Why suffer for us? We fought to end the suffering!"

"Because, you can't rid the world of all suffering…not the internal suffering at least. And I suffer internally for eternity. That is the way it is."

"But you can change that, you can-I could-"

"Could what, Heero? I suffered because I loved you-and I still suffer-because I can't-I can't-I can't let go!" she cried out, furiously wiping her watery eyes. Damn it! She was not going to cry! She had cried enough already! And-and-she looked up at Heero only to freeze at the look on his face.

She couldn't define it, nor describe it…but it was plain to her that he was willing to listen to her, to listen and try to understand… It had taken him this long-did she still want him? And why was she slowly starting to feel her love for him grow again when she saw that faint look of yearning in his eyes? That faint smoldering look was going to be the end of her, she just knew it…so why was she so willing to accept it all of sudden? Hadn't she sworn not to let him pull her in again?

Author's Note: Gah! I don't know where all these intense feelings and stuff came from, but I wanted to put this song in between "Breaking the Habit" and "Going Under." Yeah! New music artist in the next chapter! {does a little dance} I was running out of good Linkin Park songs to use and try to have a little subtle romance in. NEWAYZ! I hope you enjoyed this one!