Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Jaded ❯ Jaded ( Chapter 1 )

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Title: Jaded

Author: Noir

Anime: Gundam Wing

Paring: Duo x Hilde

Warnings: AU, Drama, Angst, Death and that's kind of it, I think.

Disclaimers: I don't own Duo or Hilde from Gundam Wing! So don't sue.

Summary: Hilde gets to be Duo's guardian angel, but they're love is forbidden this way. What happens with them? Read and find out!

*Hilde POV*

I still remember the first day I saw him. Everybody said it was just a childish crush, but I knew better, I knew it was true love, the way my heart beat faster every time I saw him, the was my breathing changed when I passed by him, the way I lounged to see him. I knew he was just another one of my dreams and I was just another one of the girls who kept following him, we were meant to be, I knew it from the beginning, and that's what kept me dreaming.

And so I chased an empty dream, a dream with beautiful violet orbs, I never saw such beautiful eyes, such a beautiful color, I loved the joy in them, the happiness even though I wasn't the one putting it there and than his hair, his long chestnut hair which past his thighs, so silky and soft, it was coaxing you to touch it, smell it… As I think back and feel the length of my own hair, I smile, I made him my idol from the first day I saw him.

*flashback*

It was at sundown, the first time I was grated with his presence. I knew we had new neighbors, but I didn't bother to know who they were, it wasn't me. I was locked inside myself; I didn't let people in my life. And I remember I was so young, 14? What can a fourteen-year-old girl know about feelings like love?

I was out with my only friend, if I can call her that, Sue. He was taking the garbage out and we were sitting on our front lawn watching the sun set. He exit the house, I heard the door, but I didn't turn, why should I? He placed the garbage and spoke "Beautiful, isn't it?" he said watching the sunset; his voice was all it took for me to turn and fall, literally. My knees always go soft when I see something beautiful.

*end of flashback*

That was the moment. I still have it in my mind, his face, it's the only thing I still remember.

He's the only one I still *see* since I've gone blind. Isn't that funny? I can't even remember how I look, but that face, those eyes, oh I still remember them like it was just yesterday and I still have the same feeling tingling in my chest, the same feeling I did that first day.

*flashback*

He giggled and helped me get up. I vowed to myself long ago that I wouldn't fall, that I wouldn't let anyone get to my heart, but he did, he did in about 1.02 seconds. I knew I'd get hurt so I put on my mask, the mask I ware when people are around. I pulled my hand from his grasp and scowled. I could feel my pulse racing and my heart ramming against my ribs. No, it wasn't fair, why now, I was doing so fine.

He smiled "I'm sorry, I meant neither to scare you nor to offend you. My name is Duo, Duo Maxwell." Sue smiled, I knew she liked him and by the look he liked her too "Hi, I'm Sue." "Nice to meetcha Sue", he said tacking her hand and kissing it. She giggled and he smiled. I turn my back to leave, I couldn't stand to see them flirt anymore, it was making me sick. "Wait", he said grasping my elbow, I half turned, anger flaring into my eyes and backhanded him.

I could never forget his face as he raised his hand to his sore cheek, rejected. I turned and entered the house.

*end of flashback*

I cried so much that night and pleaded god to make me forget him, but I never could, his eyes kept burning my soul, they still do. I had a job to carry, but now… now all I wanted was him. I didn't want his body, I didn't want his soul, I wanted him. Never once have I thought about kissing him, never once have I thought about him in any sexual way, I haven't thought about him holding me or about us holding hands, I just though about him.

I knew than I loved him, love him in a way few mortals can, a platonic love, a love that never dies, a true eternal way to love. All I could think about is seeing him happy, but not with me. I wanted to be his shadow, his angel, the one who prays he has everything he needs, that was all I wanted, but he…

*flashback*

"Honey could you help me with the cake?", mom asked. "Um, yeah, sure." "We're having guests tonight honey and I need you to come and dine with us in the leaving room", mom said sweetly. She knew I'd prefer to eat alone in my room, like I always do. "I know you're not comfortable about it, but could you do it just this time? Please? It would make me very happy!", she cut me off before I could say `no'. She got me there, she knew I loved to please people, to make them happy. "Ok" "Thank you sweetie", mom said and embraced me.

After finishing with the cake I went in the leaving room to set the table, mom said to put the dishes for another three persons, I didn't knew who they were, nor did I care. I finally finished and heard the doorbell. When I answered the door lightning hit me. It was the new neighbors, how could have I been so blind, it wasn't something new about mom inviting the new neighbors for a friendly dinner.

I mentally slapped myself when I remembered I have agreed to eat with them. I let them in and saw the wounded look on his face. I knew I put it there. Well I didn't mean it in a way, I was just mad at myself to have fallen for him.

I hated to see him unhappy, that was the way usually others got to my heart and so even if I didn't want to, I'll have to make it up to him.

We ate and he watched me all night, like searching for something in my eyes. What would he want from me? Like always, our folks started talking and I excused myself to my room. I glanced back and saw his eyes sadden as I was preparing to leave. I let my mask to slip and smile motioning for him to follow me. In time record the same smile I first saw when I met him made its way to his face.

We climber the stairs, but we exchanged no words. I entered my `sanctuary' and let the door open so he could follow, I sat on my bed and looked at the door waiting for him...

He stopped in the doorframe and looked at me that was another picture I keep inside my head. He looked around as he entered the room and stood in front of me as if asking permission to sit, I pat with my hand the place beside me and he gets the ides. He sits next to me never tacking his eyes off of me. I was the one who broke the silence by starching my hand towards him "Hilde" I whispered my name. "Duo", he said tacking my hand. He looked into my eyes and brought it to his lips, his eyes questioning. I couldn't. I pull my hand and he lets me.

How could have I known he was like me? How could have I known he didn't search for love? How could have I known back than he only wanted my friendship. I was blind, just like now. Or was I?

"So this is your room?", he broke again the silence. "Yes", I whisper and look around the room as if seeing it for the first time. "I was born in this room", I stated. He smiled "How nice to have such old memories. I don't remember much my childhood. Well that's until I was adopted." My face betrayed me when I try not to be amazed.

"I'm sorry", I said, my gaze hitting the floor. Here I was trying to be rough with him when life beat me ahead. He raised my head and our gazes met "It's ok, it wasn't your fault", he said gently, but I pulled away. His face saddens even more.

"I-I'm not use to having people so close to me", I answered to his inter question. He smiled "I noticed." There was that quiet moment again. I didn't dare to look at him, I could feel his gaze heavy on me. Why was I acting like this? I could feel my heart hammering in my chest again. It was so loud for a minute I wondered if he could hear it.

"Hilde?" he asked, his mind lost in thoughts.

"Yes, Duo."

"Do you believe… in angels? Do you believe we have our angels here on earth? Our guardian angels that is…", he said turning his gaze to me.

I didn't know how to answer. "Well… I always imagined angels live in heaven and that they watch upon us from up there. Why do you ask?", I ask meeting his gaze.

"I think I just found mine", he said smiling and looking deep inside my eyes. I swallowed hard, he leaned closer to me and whispered softly "I can hear your heart beat."

At that moment I lost myself again. I knew he awoke something within me, something… or maybe someone?

His hand touches mine, but I pulled away again "Don't!", I said, my voice cold. "You know it's true! You're my Shugotenshi!" he answers.

*end of flashback*

Yes, I knew, I knew it to well, but I didn't want to be, I didn't want to protect him, I wanted to be able to protect all humans, but I wasn't destined for that, not in this life.

Now as my life comes to an end I realize why he and I encountered. He was right, I was his guardian angel, the angel whom was supposed to take care of him, and the one who should love him without expecting to be loved back. A cruel fate… one my life was destined for.

I wish I could have seen his face the day he left, the day I finally understood that the first day when he saw me, he didn't see me, but the angel within. I was doomed from my birth to live alone, in shadows, but now I know, I was and am his shadow.

Sometimes I wonder what my mission would have been if he weren't born… what would have I been?

I look back now and realize it was all written: for me to suffer and for him to be happy. That was the day I finally fell in love. But this love was like none other. It wasn't carnal love nor brotherly, it was the kind of love you were born for. I was born loving him, just like we all are born loving god, even if with the passing of time it fades. But this love, this would never fade. Practically I'll be paying for all his sins; he's going to go to heaven while I rot in hell.

I always admired guardian angels, the ones on earth, the ones that sacrifice themselves for you to get to heaven, but I never thought I'll actually meet one or that that one would be me. It's like one of my wishes came true in the end, my end. I could have chosen not to be, but… I always wanted to die alone and now I will.

70 years passed since I've chosen this path, 70 years of pain and loneliness. I'm old and blind, I lost my vision in an accident, well his accident, he was the one supposed to be blind, but no, I took it away. It's unbelievable what people do for love, but I am no longer human, not since that damned day. I'm sorry for my parents that had to go through this, but they are long gone and buried.

Oh god I'm waiting for my life to fade, my work here is done, he died yesterday, he died trying to get to me. I smile, a sad smile, ever since I turned out to be his Shugotenshi it was getting harder and harder for him to find me. We weren't supposed to meet, I was supposed to be his shadow. He was 85 I think, I lost track of time. The only thing I know for sure is that I love him and… from the first day he was born… he loved and loves me.

He was never happy as was I. A day never passed without me spilling a tear. A tear, which was his, his tear's shadow. I smile because now I can truly say I'm happy. Why? Because in the Day of Judgment, the day my fate will be decided again I'll see him. And that's what I truly want, to see him one last time so that I can be happy in hell. I lean back in my chair and sink into past times as death claims my soul.

And dream I will…

Owari

OH MY GOD. I can't believe I finally wrote this! As much as it sucks I like it. It's not that good and I know that it could have been better, but…*sighs* I can't change what's written *big puppy eyes*. I hope you enjoyed it if not, let me know what I did wrong. PLS RxR