Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Last Resort ❯ One-Shot

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Warnings: AU, Duo's POV, Angst, Self-inflicted pain, lime, ranting, weirdness, and death. This is not a happy Duo fic. Most of the other characters are slightly bastardized.

Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing belongs to Bandai and all those other great people. The song 'Last Resort' belongs to Papa Roach. Don't sue me. I have nothing.

LastResort By Aya

Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort Suffocation No breathing Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm,bleeding

This is my last resort

It's times like these that I wonder where the phrase 'broken home' came from. I mean first of all it's a damn stupid phrase and second.. What would be considered a fixed home? Those damn people on that crappy show 7th Heaven who always have the latest drama solved before the episode is over and are so fucking cute that it makes me physically ill? Or maybe 'normal' families are the ones with two loving parents, an older brother, twin blonde daughters and a dog named Spot. I mean who considers that normal anyway? If my family was that perfect I would want to puke. But I suppose anything is better than what I have now. Yep I guess where I live would qualify as a 'broken home'. Don't get me wrong I do live with both parents and we have a fairly decent looking house - but what goes on inside of it is far from normal. Not an hour goes by without the sounds of screaming shouting and things breaking. It's so routine now that I find it normal. It would be weird if my parents were actually getting along. How sad is that? Oh yeah and I'm gay too. That alone would probably kill the idea of my family being normal. Or that's what most people think anyway.

"You lazy son of a bitch! I hate you and I wish you would just die of whatever diseases you have!"

That's my mom. Ain't she sweet?

"Fuck you bitch! I don't know why I ever got involved with you anyway."

That's dad. Isn't he just the epitome of a loving family man?

I rolled over in bed shoving my head under my ratty old pillow, not really caring that my too long hair was getting all tangled and snarled in the process. I just wanted to block out the fighting for one fucking night. Is that too much to ask? I suppose I could try to study for tomorrow's Chemistry exam but with all that racket it wasn't very likely that I would be able to concentrate. But what else is new? It's not like my teachers expected me to do well anyway. If I actually passed the test they would probably accuse me of cheating. But then again everyone always expected the worse from me. Duo Maxwell the loser fuck up. That's what everyone calls me so I might as well keep up with the title.

Suddenly the yelling downstairs got particularly loud and I jumped up in exasperation. I could not stay in this house one minute fucking longer. I quickly tied my hair back with a rubber band, knowing that it would be a bitch to get out later but not really caring - and hopped out of the window with long practiced grace. I caught the low hanging branch from the big oak tree that stood just outside my room and shimmied down. It was already dark out even though it was just five o'clock, and it was really cold for late autumn. "Shoulda brought a jacket." I muttered to myself, shoving my hands into the pockets of my worn ragged jeans.

I paused for a moment just outside of my house and tugged a box of Newports out my back pocket. I lit one and puffed contentedly for a moment before continuing on my walk. This town was just another crappy suburb, with a good side and a bad side. Of course mine was the 'bad side' even though there was hardly any crime and I walked the streets late at night without ever being mugged. I guess since the houses aren't lined with picket fences and there wasn't a Beamer in every garage it's bad, I mused silently.

Before long I was passing the border that separated good from bad and I was in the popular kid's neck of the woods. Every time I came here it was the same thing. The high and mighty rich folks gave me dirty looks and told me I didn't belong.. Then I would stick out my tongue and prove how much of a brat I could be. I don't know why, but causing trouble was just too much fun to resist. Especially around people who crossed the street in fear every time they saw me coming down the block.

I spotted a nearby convenience store and smirked to myself as I headed towards it. Just as I reached the curb I spotted a familiar red Porsche and I grimaced. It was the 'popular' kids from school. As I passed quickly I could make out Relena Peacecraft sitting primly in the front seat; Heero Yuy in the driver's seat and Chang Wufei and Trowa Barton in the back with Dorothy Catalonia squeezed in the middle. Yup those were the rich popular beautiful people.. Who thought they were better then anyone else and basically treated me as if I was a lower life form. I ignored the snickers and smart comments that were aimed at my back and loped uncaringly into the store.

It was times like these that made me wonder about the fairness of this town's barrier of good and bad. See in my neighborhood corner stores have the Plexiglas divider over the counter, racks of stale donuts and chips and cases full of Old English and various other kinds of beer. They also made the deli sandwiches that cost three bucks but you can never really tell what the 'turkey' is made out of. Here in rich people's land you got the rows of food, assorted juices, clean well lighted isles and even a flat screen computer monitor at the front counter that announced the daily weather and news. Talk about unfair.

I made my way to the back, ignoring the store owner's suspicious looks and began looking around trying to decide what I should try to steal. The way this guy was watching me like a hawk it didn't look like I would be getting any munchies tonight.

"Hey there's no smoking in here!" The man snapped at me angrily.

I snorted and took a nice long drag out my cig, blowing the smoke in his general direction before putting it out on the bottom of a can of Ravioli. "Better?" I asked nastily.

He glared disdainfully. "Are you buying something or what?"

I raised a brow before grabbing up a few packages of Ramen Noodles, some Doritos and a large 36 oz. Mistic. I smirked and dumped the items unceremoniously onto the counter. "Plastic please." I said sweetly, already planning to make a run for it as soon as I had my hands on the bag.

He rung up the items and bagged them, all the while eyeing me warily. He seemed to have sensed my plan because he smirked and stared at me expectantly, keeping the bag of goodies out of reach. "$3.75." He said shortly.

Damn. He knew my game. Four bucks wasn't exactly a lot of money but I was flat assed broke. "Can I get my stuff?" I demanded digging around in pocket, pretending to be searching for money.

"Pay first."

I glared at him. "Hey what are you trying to pull man? I got the cash - just chill the fuck out and gimme my stuff."

He leaned forward and narrowed his eyes. "You were going to steal it weren't you, you little thief."

I widened my eyes and did my best to look insulted. "Hey screw you man! I don't have to take this stuff from you! You just lost yourself a good customer with these lousy accusations." I huffed indignantly.

The older man snorted and adjusted his Hawaiian print shirt. "If you're such a good customer where the hell is the money?"

I opened my mouth to retort but a deep voice cut me off. "It's alright Howard, I got it."

I spun around and glared at the intruder. Great just great. Heero Yuy the perfect jock to the rescue. I tried my best to glare him down but he just stared back coolly as he handed 'Howard' the money. "I can pay myself." I snapped irritably, glaring harder when he snorted skeptically. I snatched my food, not bothering to thank him and started out of the store. The last thing I needed was pity from that guy. He was one of those perfect people who makes me gag. Gorgeous face, built like a god, straight As and the captain of the basketball team. Ugh.. The only thing good about him was his tight round ass.

Before I could get out of the store, he grabbed my elbow and raised an eyebrow expectantly. "What do you want me to say thank you or something?" I asked with a glare.

Heero made a face and crossed his arms over his chest. "A thank you would be nice, yes."

I scoffed and started to walk again. "Forget it buddy, I didn't ask you to come to my rescue and even if I did, I'll just consider it Asshole tax(1) for all the times you and your little cronies made me feel like scum." I snapped.

His blue eyes flickered guiltily and he looked down. "I know my friends are kind of unbearable at times, and that's why I wanted to help you out."

"Oh please. As if a four bucks could really make up for anything. Why don't you just take your charity and use it on someone who would give you the time of day. Why are you even talking to me? Aren't you afraid Relena and them will think you will contract white trash cooties?" I lit another cigarette and glared down the street - refusing to look into his beautiful eyes.

"You shouldn't smoke; it's bad for you." Heero scolded.

I gave him a dirty look and started walking away from him yet again. I was being a brat and I knew it. The guy had helped me out and instead of being grateful I was throwing it right back in his face. But you know what.. fuck it. I have a chip on my shoulder the size of Mt. Fuji and I'll piss off whoever gets in my way. Currently he was.

"Your name is Duo right? Aren't you a junior?"

I stopped walking and turned around slowly. He knew my name? He knew my grade? Wow.. Heero Yuy knew who I was. In some strange demented way I was flattered. Flattered that the great Heero Yuy had taken time out of busy basketball playing schedule to remember my name. I felt the ice barriers that I normally kept myself surrounded in dissolve and I started to speak when she ruined it all.

The bitch from hell.

Relena Peacecraft is that one vain snotty cheerleader that always plagues movies and shows with their plastic prettiness and cruel words. She always seems to go out of her way to make me feel like nothing. I hate that bitch with a passion and right now she just reminded me of why I am so bitter.

"Why are you talking to that gutter trash Hee~eero? Eww get away I can smell his stench from here!"

Her words were followed by a peel of laughter coming from everyone in the Porsche, laughing at my expense. I was too angry to see the furious look Heero cast at the blonde girl.

My cheeks burned in shame and I felt bile start to rise in my throat. But as usual I hid my humiliation and hurt behind a nasty grin and my quick wits covered for me once again. "The only stench I smell is fish. Maybe you should close your legs Relena." I shot Heero a venomous look and left the cheerleader spluttering for a come back and failing miserably.

I practically ran home, silently cursing myself for almost falling into one of their little traps. Being nice to me and then making me feel like a fool. It wasn't the first time they had done it and I knew it wouldn't be the last. When I was back safely back home, I had completely forgotten about the cigarette that was still dangling between my lips and like the fool I was, I just waltzed into the house. By the time I realized it, my mother was coming in the room.

The smack she gave me left my ears ringing. Angry tears welled up in my eyes.

"How dare you smoke in my house!! I know you hate me already Duo Maxwell - but must you disrespect me too?" She screamed in my face, smacking me again, this time with the hand her rather large engagement ring was on. I felt the diamond dig into the skin under my eye - blood trickled down my cheek.

"I'm sorry mother." I muttered softly, urging the tears to go away.

"I have to do everything in this house! Everything! I work while your bastard father sits around and does nothing! I pay the bills! I cook and slave for you people and all I get is hatred and disrespect. I should just leave both of you! You're a fucking mistake anyway! You should have never been born! It's your fault I'm stuck here with that man! Your fault!" She screamed hysterically.

I stared in shock, hurt beyond belief. I hate the fact that the tears just keep coming and I hate it even more that I am affected by her words. I knew for a long time that my parents didn't love me.. It was painfully obvious that they think I'm some kind of burden to them. But even though I always knew it deep down in my heart, it hurt like hell to actually hear her say it out loud.

My father came in the room, probably glad that she was yelling at someone else besides him for a change and fixed his cold violet gaze on me. "Oh god." He scoffed. "Are you *crying*? What did I ever do to deserve a little pansy like you for a son?"

For some reason it seemed as though no matter what my mother said to me, I couldn't bring myself to hate her or yell back at her. It was different with my father. I had no respect for the man, he was a loser. What kind of self-respecting man sat around on their ass all day and waits for their wife to bring home the money? A poor excuse for one.. That's what kind.

"Fuck you asshole." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them and next thing I knew his powerful fist was crashing into my face. I fell backwards, knocking over a table in the process.

"You don't talk to me like that in *my* house." He bellowed.

"Oh shove it. There wouldn't even be a house if ma wasn't workin. You can tell me something about respecting you after you do something that deserves respect." I spat hatefully, ignoring the blood that was gushing out of my lower lip.

He stared at me furiously, seeming to be at a loss for words. My mother cast him a scathing look before fixing her glare on me. "Clean this mess up." She snapped and walked out of the room.

I stood up dazedly, grabbed my bag and ran up the stairs; not wanting either of them to see me cry.

**

Cut my life into pieces I've reached my last resort Suffocation No breathing Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, Do you even care if I die bleeding?

Some people take drugs or drink themselves into oblivion when they have problems. They say that it helps them forget everything even for a little while and during that short time everything is ok. I don't do that. I *do* smoke but that's a habit I picked up back in grade school. No.. When I feel stressed or depressed or angry I go deep into my private little world of pain. Right now I'm sitting on the edge of the tub - one sleeve pulled all the way up.. Dragging my razor blade up and down the delicate pale skin. I know some may think it's ridiculous to cut myself in order to feel better about all the other fucked up things that are going on in my life; but it's really not. It's almost... therapeutic for me. It's hard to explain but.. When I'm cutting myself it's like.. The physical pain helps me to forget momentarily about the mental pain.. And by the time I stop sawing at my bloody scarred up skin, I feel strangely calm. Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to kill myself. If I wanted to slit my wrists I would have done it already. This is just to help me cope. I'm not crazy.. I'm not. My best friend Quatre doesn't understand about my little habit. He knows I do it because he forced me to explain the scars. Every time he realizes I had done it again, he turns his nose up in disgust. No one understands.

I pulled the small blade away from my arm and stared with morbid fascination at the bloody, ripped up skin. Once again, as usual.. Now I felt that weird calm. I didn't feel the need to cry anymore. Everything was ok for now.

I quickly tucked the blade away and bandaged my arm before rolling my sleeve back down. I walked back into my room acting as though I hadn't just been hacking myself to pieces as I sprawled at my desk; turning on AOL. As I waited for the phone line to connect - I popped open my Mistic and opened my Doritos.

"You've got mail!"

A quick scan of the 23 new articles told me that they were all from Weiss Kreuz mailing lists. I ignored the fan fics for now and IMd Quatre instead.

[ShinigamiX2: Hey Quat]

I guzzled my Mistic down, and turned winamp up.. Trying to ignore the sounds of a new argument floating from downstairs.

[Sand Rock4: hihi ^_^ How is your evening going so far?]

I snort to myself. Quatre is so annoyingly polite.

[ShinigamiX2: The usual. Crappy. You? Sand Rock4: Going great for me! But why is yours crappy? Parents? =( ShinigamiX2: Yea but that's nothing new. I had a run in with Relena and Company. Sand Rock4: *rolls eyes* What about them? ShinigamiX2: Saw them at the store. Heero was trying to be nice. Was strange. Sand Rock4: But that's a good thing right? Maybe he wants to be friends! ShinigamiX2: riiight.. He just wanted to make an ass out of me Sand Rock4: You are too paranoid Duo. ¬.¬ ShinigamiX2: Yea well you are too trusting Sand Rock4: Hmm.. Well I have to go study for that Chem test. You should too! ShinigamiX2: O.o Me? Study? naaah that's ok. Sand Rock4: Suit yourself. Good-Night Duo! ^_^ ShinigamiX2: Later]

***

When I fell asleep that night I dreamt of Heero. Actually a more accurate description would be that I dreamt of him throwing me over the hood of his Porsche and fucking me clear into next week. It was a very nice dream. I woke up with a jerk. Literally. My hand was clasped around my very erect penis. I then proceeded to masturbate for about a half-hour, panting and bucking into my own hand. See the problem with masturbation is that you're fucking yourself. In my opinion that is not a fun thing to do. I mean yea it relieves all that pent up lust from raging teen hormones, but screwing someone else is a lot more satisfying.

It didn't seem like I would be screwing anyone for a long time though.

It's not that I'm unattractive. I'm actually very attractive and I get a lot of attention from girls. But that is just the problem. I don't want attention from girls. I don't like girls. And since it seems as though the entire male population of this town is either very straight or very much in the closet, so it doesn't look like I'm getting any action any time soon.

Ah fuck it. I'm going back to sleep.

***

Would it be wrong? Would it be right? If I took my life tonight Chances are that I might Mutilation outta sight And I'm contemplating suicide

My school is the embodiment of TV high school clichè. I don't mean the way it looks either, because in that way Romefellar High was as normal as you can get. Just a simple brick building with plain teal colored brick walls and scuffed floors. The locker rooms were badly lit and the bathrooms always stank of piss. Oh yea. Nothing fancy here. However the way everyone had their own little click of friends reminded me of that horrid show Popular or that movie 10 Things I Hate About You. We have the nerds, the goths, the alternative skater kids, the wiccans, the druggies, the jocks, the bullies, the beautiful rich people, and then there was me. I don't fit into any of those little circles, which is the reason why I mainly stay alone. Quatre on the other hand seems to get along with everyone just fine but he hangs out with me the most. He claims to be my best friend but I have the suspicion that if it came down to it.. He would choose the popular people who he secretly worshipped over me. Oh yea, Q-Man doesn't think I notice the way he looks over at the table the Oh So Perfect ones occupy at lunch with a kind of sick shining adoration in his eyes. Yea I notice and it makes me sick.

Anyway so here we are in the cafeteria, sitting alone as usual, while watching all the other groups and clicks migrate over to their respective tables. As usual Quatre's eyes are on Relena and Company, and I'm just eating my Ravioli silently. See I have come to look forward to Ravioli day in school. It is the only thing that the cafeteria workers can not screw up because it comes out of a can. It is also the only thing that is edible.

"So let me get this straight Duo, you actually *spoke* to Heero Yuy?" The blond asked excitedly.

I made a face. He made it sound like I had *spoken* to the president. "Yes. Sheesh you don't have to act like it's that big a deal."

Quatre bounced in his sit. "Are you kidding me? Heero rarely speaks to anyone! Not even his friends! He is very reserved you know. And he actually went out of his way to be nice to you! How can you *not* be excited?"

I flicked strands of chestnut bangs out of my eyes and snorted. "Easily. Gawd Quatre they're just people. Just jerky cock headed people. You act like they are famous or something. You *so* need a hobby that doesn't include watching them. And besides Heero is just like them from what I've seen and if he isn't I don't have any reason to think so. It's not like he ever told his stupid ass friends to shut up and leave me alone or anything." I muttered around mouthfuls of Ravioli and white bread.

"I don't watch them!" He protested, but his eyes wandered back to their table. I suppose Quatre could be one of them if he had money like that. He used to be pretty rich, but his father squandered half of their money gambling and the other half was taken away by the bank since he owed them a lot of money in loans. Quatre wasn't definitely attractive enough to be considered one of the beautiful people. I used to have a crush on him back when we first met.. but that's all in the past now. He doesn't even know I'm gay.

"Oh my god!! Look look!!" He exclaimed suddenly, shaking my arm and nearly making me bite my tongue instead of my food.

"Christ Quat lay off!" I protested and jerked my hand away. "What is it?" I demanded after I swallowed without choking.

Quatre leaned forward and whispered very excitedly in my ear. "Heero is staring at you!! He has been for the past few minutes! I knew he wanted to be friends! He's probably just nervous about talking to you, because Relena would poke fun."

I looked over and Heero was indeed staring at me. I snorted and flipped him the bird. His Prussian blue eyes narrowed and he frowned at me.

"Duo! How could you do that?!" Quatre cried, he looked positively horrified.

I laughed and finished with my lunch. "Oh chill out Quatre. The only time I need him staring at me is if he is about to fuck me and I doubt that......."

Shit.

I looked up very slowly and saw that Quatre was staring at me with wide eyes. "Y..You're gay..?" His words came out hushed.

"I.. Quat.." There was really no point in me lying. "Yea man, I'm gay."

"Why didn't you *tell* me? We.. we oh god how could you *not* tell me?" He looked ill. Disgusted. Angry.

"What does it matter Quatre? I'm still the same person." I snapped at him, insulted.

"It matters a lot! If I knew you were gay I wouldn't have been so close to you over the years! How could you do this to me?" He said harshly.

My mouth dropped open. "What the hell are you talking about? How could you act like this? You're supposed to be my best friend!"

"Yes and your supposed to like girls! God is that the reason why you are always sleeping over my house? Oh god that is so disgusting."

I feel sick. People are staring now, they can hear him. They are all looking at me. I'm screwed.. screwed.. so fucking screwed. Can he talk any fucking louder? Why does this happen to me? I always get so fucking screwed.

"What will people think! What if they think I'm gay too? What will Relena think??" Quatre went on frantically. I don't even know if he was talking to me or himself anymore.

Tears filled my eyes but I blinked them away rapidly. "Could you please lower your fucking voice?" I rasped out angrily.

"You are so selfish Duo Maxwell! I can't believe I considered you a friend." The angry blond sneered at me.

"FUCK YOU!" I shouted at him angrily. "Like you have a fucking right to call me selfish!! You're the fucking little *girl* who cried for weeks because you don't live in that big palace up the hill anymore!" I was mad and I didn't care who heard me. I was abused all the time. By my parents, by my peers, and now by my best friend. It was too much.

"And you did your best to console me right? Probably got turned on by it you disgusting queer!"

He screamed it so loud everyone turned to look at me. A flicker of guilt flashed in his eyes when he finally focused on my tear streaked face, but he soon replaced it with a defiant look and he sneered.

"Fuck you Quatre." I whispered and stormed out of the cafeteria.

***

Cuz I'm losing my sight Losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine Losing my sight Losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

My retreat for bad times during school was the roof. Seeing as though I am Mister Unpopularity and just about everyone has something against me in this bloody school, something bad is always bound to happen to me. I usually didn't mind so much because like I already said, I was used to staying to myself. But this time was different, this time it was Quatre who had stomped all over my heart. Damnit I had trusted Quatre and I never trust anyone! I had put my little bit of faith in him and trusted him to be my friend through whatever happened. I always had the feeling that he might betray me but I always hoped to God it wouldn't happen. I guess now I know that he had never really been my friend.

Anyway so now I'm on the roof and I plan to stay here until 4 o'clock when everyone is out of here. I know well enough that homosexuality in this small town is like begging to be lynched. All of the small-minded assholes are going to make my life hell from now on. It was pretty much a given. The roof is normally locked, but I happen to be a expert lock pick. I come up here a lot.. sit on the ledge.. smoke.. chill, whatever. It's a good place to go when I want to be alone. At least no one knew I came up here.

"Duo?"

Oh fuck. There goes that idea.

I looked over my shoulder and rolled my eyes. "What do you *want* Yuy? Come to make fun of the gay guy?" I asked bitterly, taking a long drag of my cig. I heard him taking slow cautious steps behind me and I nearly snorted at his next statement.

"You're not going to jump are you?" Heero asked sounding oddly alarmed.

"Oh yea that's my plan. I'll jump off the roof and hopefully land on your car.. fucking it up big time like that chick in Carrie 2.(2) That way it will be two birds with one stone. Kill myself and piss you off."

He was silent and I felt a comforting hand rest on my shoulder. "Don't kill yourself Duo, it will be ok."

I couldn't help it.. I started snickering wildly. I mean the guy sounded like a robot. I wonder if he had taken some kind of class where they told him that that was the right thing to say in this situation. The idea was so ridiculous that I started laughing harder.

"Are you hysterical or something?"

Once I was finished laughing I looked back and gave him a long incredulous look. "If I was hysterical do you think I would really answer that question?"

When he stared at me blankly I rolled my eyes. "How did you get up here anyway?" Stupid question I automatically scolded myself. I had left the lock unlocked.

"The door wasn't locked." Heero responded, still peering at me queerly. He seemed be wondering if I was really going to jump or not.

"Oh for God's sake, I'm not going to kill myself. And do you really expect me to believe that you just happened to be coming up here at the exact same time as me? How stupid do you think I am?"

He shrugged and sat next to me on the ledge. "No. I followed you."

I looked at him sharply, my eyes narrowed. "Why? What do you want?"

"Well.. I uh wanted to see if you were ok. You looked pretty upset back there." Heero said with a shrug.

"Yea well one might be upset if one's 'best friend' starts screaming faggot in a room full of people who already hate them." I lit another cigarette and put the box on the ledge beside me. He reached for one and I raised an eyebrow. "I thought you didn't smoke."

He shrugged and lit it with a lighter that he dug out of his coat. "I never said that. I just said they were bad for you."

"Ah I see. And why is it that you are suddenly so concerned about my well being?"

The dark haired boy shrugged. "I just don't see why people always have to pick on you. You didn't do anything to anybody. How did that start anyway? Since I've moved here all I heard about you is that you are a criminal and a loser."

"How do you know it isn't true?" I snapped.

Heero snorted. "I don't, but I don't see why I should believe a bunch of gossip either."

I looked at him from the corner of my eye. "Well if you must know, it started back in 9th grade. Your precious little Relena had a huge thing for me. She used to fucking follow me around for God's sake. Anywayz she was always telling everyone that me and her were going out and I got really mad about it. So one day I told her off in front of everyone and she got really embarrassed." I murmured, smiling faintly at the memory of the little princess's horrified face.

"And?" He prompted me, also seeming to be amused by that idea.

"And.. To get back at me she told everyone that me and her had actually been going out and I had tried to rape her. Also that I beat her up and that I am some big time drug addict. Since she is Relena Peacecraft who is loved by all, they all believed her and wrote me off." I finished bitterly. It still made me angry and that had been two years ago.

"What about your friend?" Heero asked quietly.

I snorted. "I believe you heard what that was all about Yuy. Turns out Quatre is a homophobe and I disgust him. But you know what I'm not surprised. Everyone else turned against me over the years and it was only time before he did too."

We sat in silence for awhile and I started to wonder about Heero Yuy. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all.. now that I was having an actual conversation with him it became more and more obvious that he wasn't at all like Relena. I stole another glance at him and I saw that he had been staring at me also. And damn he was fine as hell.

"I know how that is." He said finally, flicking his cigarette butt off the roof.

I raised an eyebrow at the aloof teen and snorted. "How could you possibly understand?"

Heero turned and smirked. It was a rather sexy smirk. "Because I'm gay too."

My mouth dropped open and I opened and closed it a few times, no sound came out. He stared at me with an amused expression. "Is it that surprising?" He asked. I narrowed my eyes. "You're a liar. You're not gay.. You're just fucking with my head."

He smirked and leaned closer until our noses were only inches apart. My eyes widened and he pressed his lips firmly to mine. I automatically melted against him, my lips parting for his invading tongue. We kissed for what seemed like eternity but I knew it had only been about a minute. When he finally pulled back, he drew my lower lip between his teeth and nibbled on it. "Believe me now?" He asked huskily, one hand dropping to my lap to squeeze my already hardened cock.

I nodded weakly; breath coming out in short little puffs as he continued to kneed my arousal.

"Can you meet me later?" He breathed in my ear. I managed another nod and practically whined in displeasure when he pulled his hand away. "Good.. meet me at Oz Memorial Park at 9 tonight." I nodded yet again, still not capable of forming words. He gazed at me for a moment and smiled.. a actual smile this time.. not just a smirk. "You are too beautiful for your own good Duo Maxwell." He murmured, then disappeared down the stairs.

***

I never realized I was spread too thin Till it was too late And I was empty within Hungry! Feeding on chaos and living in sin Downward spiral where do I begin?

Now the thing about people is that when you get right down to it you figure out that they really fucking suck. I mean I don't believe all of that BS about how everyone is good and there is no such thing as a bad boy which I think is a quote from some very old Mickey Rooney movie but that's not really the point. The point is that people suck and most people are bad. Friends suck. Parents suck. Everybody fucking sucks. And you know who sucks the most? Hypocrites. Those people who bitch and moan about how they would never do this and they would never do that and they would always be your friend through thick and thin; then they just dump you. Yes everyone I am talking about Quatre Winner. I knew that little bitch for so many years and he told me to get lost just because he found out that I get a hard on from looking at other guys. I mean what the fuck does he care? I'm not looking at his bony ass.. so what's the problem? Well you know what? Fuck him too.. I'm not going to dwell on it because people come and go all the fucking time. He's just another face in the crowd, another wannabe "cool" kid, another fucking loser. So I'll write him off just as fast as he wrote me off. Ok I guess you're all wondering what the hell I'm babbling about now, and truth be told I didn't start this rant because I was still pissed about Q-Man. I started this because of Heero Yuy and somewhere along the line I went off on a tangent. Which I am doing now. Ok yea anyway Heero confuses me. He ignored me since I first met him, he snickered when his friends laughed at me, I thought he was just another jock strap.. but now it's like.. Different. Now I think I'm like in love with the fucker. I mean how twisted is that? I hate him one minute.. Can't stand him or any of his kind.. And then the next minute I'm all hearts and candy about him cuz he gave me a hand job. How fucked up is that? How fucked up am I? So yea even though I'm all hot for him now.. When it comes down to it he's still just another person and he still fucking sucks. He didn't talk to me until he found out I was a queer like him, because now he thinks he'll get a piece of my ass. And you know the worst part? I don't care. I wanted him anyway and I know what he really wants. That pretty much shows that I suck too.

***

It all started when I lost my mother No love for myself and no love for another. Searching to find a love up on a higher level Finding nothing but questions and devils

I was at the park a little after nine, didn't want to seem to eager even though I had been thinking about our little rendezvous all day. So I strolled into the park casually, my hands thrust into the pockets of my hunter green army style pants and a cigarette dangling from between my lips. When I saw him leaning against the side of his car, still clad in his gym shorts and green tank top I tried not to drool. Damn this guy was so fucking perfect.. and he was hot for me. Me? Skinny little loser me. heh. Wonders never cease.

"Why do you always keep that over your face?" He asked, trying to push the black hood off my head. I batted his hands away and shrugged. "Dunno.. habit I guess."

Heero eyed me for a moment, that infuriating little smirk creeping up on his lips. "So what do you want to do?"

I shrugged carelessly, trying to make it seem as though I didn't give a damn either. In reality all I wanted him to do was throw me into his car and jam that gorgeous cock up my ass. Hey what do you want from me? I'm a teenager guy and I'm very horny. Sue me.

"We could take a walk if you want." He suggested with an almost shy smile.

I rolled my eyes and started walking. I pointedly ignored the way his eyes darted around, making sure no one was nearby when he grabbed my hand and started walking beside me. It wasn't as if anyone would be watching anyway. Rarely anyone ever came to Oz Memorial because the losers thought it was haunted by the 'wandering spirits of dead soldiers.' "Paranoid much?" I asked disgustedly.

Heero looked at me and frowned. "You can say that. If word ever got out that I'm.. I'm.. "

"A queer?" I finished dryly.

He swallowed and shrugged a little. "Yea.. that.. Anyway if anyone finds out I'm screwed."

"Oh yes, the great Heero Yuy will be shunned by all. The girls will no longer fawn over you, the guys will no longer worship you. You'll be an outcast.. Or worse yet.. " I paused for dramatic effect and smirked evilly. "They'll treat you how they treat me."

He stopped walking abruptly and pinned me against a nearby tree. "Look Duo, you can't tell anyone. If you do.. " He let the sentence trail off and his eyes narrowed in what he thought was an intimidating glare. Well.. ok it *was* an intimidating glare but I wasn't going to let him know that.

"Yea yea whatever man. Your little queer secret is safe with me." I said with a snort.

He eased up on the pressure he had put on my arms, but he still stood very close invading my personal space rather rudely I might add. "Don't you care that people know?" He asked warily.

I shrugged again. "I tried to keep it on the hush hush but Q-Man blew up my spot. There's no point in me crying over it now. Everyone hated me before anyway so it's not like I'm losing any friends."

Heero leaned back and gazed at me for a moment. "You're a weird kid Duo Maxwell. It's like.. nothing bothers you."

I snorted again and looked away. "You might be surprised." I muttered.

We stood there silently for a few moments. Me looking off at some tree and him staring at me with those blue eyes that were doing the weird sparkly thing that you only usually saw in anime. After another minute or so he leaned forward and buried his nose in my hair, inhaling deeply. He made a contended sound deep in his throat and stroked my cheek. I shivered deliciously; knowing it wasn't from the cold. It was weird how this was making me feel. Being in his arms. I felt protected and warm and even loved. It was all very tender and even a little romantic and I didn't like it at all. I kept telling myself that I couldn't trust him. I couldn't trust anyone. But the more I told myself that, the gentler he became, kissing me softly, and murmuring about how beautiful I am. My heart was beating to fast and I felt like I was going to melt into him. I yanked away abruptly and looked away from his confuse gaze.

"What's wrong?"

I frowned. "Look let's cut the bullshit. I know what you want so let's just do it already."

Heero raised an eyebrow. "What is it that you think I want?"

"To fuck." I said bluntly, digging around in my pocket for another cigarette.

He seemed to be at a loss for words for a moment. "I.. That's not all I want from you."

"Oh really." I raised a skeptical brow and snorted. "What do you want my *love*?" I spat out the word as if it were poison.

"Maybe." He said simply.

It was amazing. One little word and all those ice barriers came crashing down around me. My chest suddenly felt painfully tight and I felt tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. I don't know what it was.. Why I was getting so emotional.. No one had ever loved me before.. maybe.. just maybe.. he could..

I leaned up and kissed him hungrily, pinning him to the tree. We kissed for awhile, a battle of dueling tongues. One trying to take control of the kiss but the other always gaining the upper hand. Before I knew it I was sporting a hard on and grinding it against his eager little hips. Pretty soon we were tearing each other's clothes off and before I knew it we were sprawled on the damp grass, and I was riding his thick cock. We were crying out so loud I'm surprised the cars on the highway didn't hear. But God I didn't care. It felt so good, and he was hitting something deep inside me that made me sob and beg for more. When he came deep inside me he screamed my name. When he collapsed on top of each other in a tangle of arms and legs he mumbled sweet things in my ear, promises and my more cynical self would have seen as lies. But right now I wasn't in my cynical mode. I felt loved, I felt special and I wanted to stay that way. I threw all rational thinking to the wind. Desperation for warmth and affection will be my undoing.

***

Cuz I'm losing my sight Losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me in fine Losing my sight Losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

When you think about it, sex is no big deal. I mean yea a lot of chicks act like sex is the thing that can forever bind them with their man, or they think it has to be all about love and specialness with the whole rose petal scattered candle lit scene or whatever. That is just plain STUPID. Sex is sex where ever and how ever you do it. And it has NOTHING to do with love. Well I guess sometimes it does... but it doesn't have to be. Most guys take advantage of the whole love thing that girls seem so fond of. They woo the chick and whisper sweet nothings and might even spout the occasional 'heartfelt' declaration of love. But when it comes right down to it they just want some ass. Men are not to be trusted. People are not to be trusted. You can only trust yourself and even then yourself might to something foolish. Trust no one. I need to learn how to follow my own advice. You see I'm one of those people who become all loving and trusting after sex.

After me and Heero did it that time in the park (really romantic eh?) I was all over him. Every time I came to him willingly and eagerly he had this knowing cocky smirk on his face. One part of me wanted to smack it off of his smug face. The other side didn't give a hot damn. Guess which side won? -_-

We would meet late at night in the park or in the boathouse at the pond. Then we would 'make love' for hours before he sent me on my merry way. I guess it doesn't bother me that he would screw me into the floorboards, then completely ignore me the next day. He had to keep up appearances right? Can't be seen with Loser Maxwell right? Nope. Can't do that. Nope nope nope. Doesn't bother me at all.

It didn't even bother me when I found out that Quatre was the newest part of the ever so special beautiful people click. I always knew that one-day he would manage to squeeze himself into it. It didn't even bother me and he and Relena made fun of me for 45 minutes in Math. It didn't even bother me that now my so-called best friend was making queer jokes with his new pals aimed at me while Heero laughed. Nope. Didn't bother me at all.

Nothing fucking bothers me.

And if did bother me, I have my therapy at home in my third drawer. The only thing I could count on. My blade.

Nothing's alright Nothing is fine

I'm running and crying

I'm crying

I'm crying

I'm crying

I'm crying

***

After three months our secret trysts were the only thing that made me happy. At home was the same fighting, screaming and the occasional random beating courtesy of father dearest. At school I wasn't the center of everyone's ridicule anymore.. They seemed to have grown bored with messing with me and me not breaking down in fruit cake tears like they expected me to. All I got was the occasional insult, and the usual dirty looks from my teachers. Even though Heero never so much as spared me a glance in school I didn't mind so much. As long as I could see him later and for those few hours that I spend in his arms, I can feel special. I was happy for the first time in a long time.

***

Cut my life into pieces This is my last resort Suffocation No breathing Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding!

I was at the usual place in Oz Memorial, waiting for Heero to come. It had been a couple of days since I had seen him and I was looking forward to it. I smiled fondly as memories of our last encounter came flooding back to me. We had been in the boathouse and as soon as I saw him I had jumped him. Kissing him all over without giving him a chance to speak, ripping his clothes off violently and thrusting into his smooth willing body.. Not even stopping to lube myself. At first he had cried out in pain but after awhile I knew those cries were from pleasure. I could tell by looking into his wide lust filled eyes. However our pleasure had been put to an abrupt end because of suspicious noises outside. I had immediately pulled out and thrown on my clothes, running out the back door; only giving him one last lingering glance. I hadn't seen him since and I was kind of worried. But I knew Heero could take care of himself. He had to.

"Maxwell!"

That deep furious sounding voice jerked me out of my thoughts and I spun around quickly. Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre stood there. I noticed that they were surrounding me and I shifted uneasily. "What do you want?" I demanded. For some reason the hair on the back of my neck was standing up. Something bad was going to happen, I knew it. I had the sudden urge to run, but I didn't.

"We know what you did, you disgusting little bitch." Wufei hissed; his dark eyes were narrowed and he was clenching his hands into fists.

"What are you talking about Chang? I didn't do anything to you!" I protested, backing away as they began to move closer to me.

"Not to me! To Heero!" The Chinese boy cried. "You're the lowest kind of filth. Dishonorable cur." He snarled.

My brow furrowed in confusion and I looked from one outraged face to the next. "I didn't do anything to him! What the hell is going on!"

Quatre shoved me hard and I stumbled, losing my balance. "Don't deny it Duo! I can't believe you I was ever friends with someone like you! You probably would have done the same thing to me if you had the chance."

I shook my head rapidly, confusion written plain on my face. "Whatever you think I did... I didn't do it! Ask Heero for God's sake!" I shouted angrily.

"We saw you at the boathouse the other day." Trowa put in. Although his voice was calm, the contempt in his eyes was enough to make me sick.

My eyes widened, and my mouth dropped open. "You.. saw.. us.. ? Oh my god." I whispered, closing my eyes.

"Yes! We saw you raping him!"

Would it be wrong? Would it be right? If I took my life tonight Chances are that I might Mutilation outta sight And I'm contemplating suicide

I reeled back as if I had been smacked and stared at them incredulously. "What the fuck are you talking about?" I snarled angrily, trying to get to my feet but just falling back down when Trowa kicked me in the ribs.

"We saw you rip his clothes off, and we heard him screaming in pain. Then you ran like the coward you are." Wufei hissed.

"Are you insane?? Do you think I could ever fucking rape him? He could kill me if he wanted!" I yelled angrily.

"He had an injury from basketball practice. *You* took advantage of that Maxwell. And now you will suffer."

The next thing I knew, someone's foot was kicking me square in the face. My mouth filled with blood and I started coughing it up violently. "I swear to God I didn't do anything." I sobbed. "Just ask Heero, he'll tell you.."

"I already told them."

I looked up rapidly, staring at Heero with large confused eyes. He was staring at me coldly, his lip lifted in a sneer. "I told them what you did to me." He said flatly.

After hearing those words.. It's like I was dead inside. I was betrayed once again, this time by someone who really mattered to me. Someone who I really thought cared about me. I didn't care anymore; I didn't even care what they did to me. I had had enough. I stared silently, not even bothering to deny the horrible accusations. Tears slid town my cheeks and I didn't bother wiping them away. I just gazed at him blankly with a sad little smile. "I never thought you would do it too Heero." I whispered softly.

Cuz I'm losing my sight Losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

His eyes widened and he looked away quickly. I could have sworn tears were welling in those Prussian depths.

Then I started laughing. Loud maniacal laughing. I guess I really was hysterical this time. I didn't even stop when the next punch was thrown. I kept right on laughing as Quatre kicked me in the face repeatedly, teeth loosening.. Falling out, nose crunching and bending in an impossible angle. I barely even felt it when Trowa began pounding his fist into my gut, Wufei's foot connecting to my chest. They were all around me, pouncing on me like wild animals tearing apart their prey. Kicking and punching me savagely, cursing and screaming as they did it. Then when they finally stopped, someone jerked me up by the braid holding me still as Heero moved in front of me. His eyes flicked over my bloody brutalized body, but whatever was in his eyes I couldn't read. I could barely see anyway.. one of my eyes was already swollen shut. I was hanging there limply, by my braid.. I'm sure by now my face was a mass of bruises, cuts and disfigured flesh. He continued to stare at me solemnly, even as the others urged him to finish me off. I could see the tears threatening to spill from his eyes and it made me sick. I hadn't cried through the whole beating. I didn't care anymore and I couldn't stand to see the pity and self-loathing in his eyes.

Losing my sight Losing my mind Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

"Just fucking kill me you dumb shit." I spat hatefully, making sure blood sprayed across his face.

Then.. He just snapped. Pounding me with all his strength, screaming and crying all the while. I couldn't make out what he was saying. His words were hysterical and jumbled from wrenching sobs. When he was done and I was thoroughly pulverized to a bloody pulp, they all stood over me. Gazing at their handy work. They all looked sick. They probably thought I was dead.

Nearby voices caused them to freeze like deer caught in the headlights. "Let's get out of here!" Quatre hissed and he, Trowa and Wufei darted away.

Heero stood over me after they had gone, tears still coursing down his flushed face. The Japanese boy knelt beside me, reaching out to touch me. "I'm so sorry." He whispered miserably. "I.. they saw.. and I.. I couldn't tell the truth... oh God I'm so sorry." He sobbed. "I never meant for.. I never wanted you to.. I.. love you so much and.. please.. just.. I.." He broke down and began to wail in anguish. His sobs were so heart wrenching that they might have stirred some emotion in me. But even though my body wasn't dead. My heart was. So I lay there and played dead until he finally got to his feet and ran.

Nothing's alright Nothing is fine I'm running and I'm crying

After he was gone, I opened my eyes. It hurt to move, it hurt to breathe. It hurt to be alive and I cursed them for not finishing me off. I got to my feet somehow, stumbling and tripping until I was out of the park. I made my way slowly towards my house, ignoring the horrified looks people aimed at me. Ignoring the calls of concern, demanding if I was ok. Somehow I made it home.. And I ignored the way my mother screamed when she saw me. She ran out of the room, probably to call an ambulance.

I had to move fast.

I crawled up the stairs; my blood soaked braid dragging behind me. I locked my self in my room, weakly shoving various things in front of the door. Then... I collapsed in the bathroom, catching a glimpse of my disfigured face in the mirror and for some reason not being affected by it.

So here I am now. Naked, sprawled in the tub as freezing cold water pours down on my battered body. I'm sure there is blood everywhere by now.. And I feel everything starting to get hazy. It must be a pretty gruesome scene but I was far from caring.

I can't go on living this way

My beautiful blade, my savior.. and the only thing I can count on is poised in my hand, just over my vein. Without hesitation I dig in deep and slice open the vein, quickly repeating the action on my other arm.

I smiled as the blade dropped to the floor and closed my eyes. It's over.

Can't go on

No more pain.. no more betrayal.

Just quiet.. no people...

Living this way

Like someone once said..

True peace is only achieved through death..

Then my vision began to gray out..

And everything went black..

Nothing's alright

~ Owari

________

Author's notes -_- Yes I know. It was very depressing and just... horribly angsty. But I felt like writing some angst because I was very depressed. *sigh*

1 - Got the phrase "Asshole tax" from Marla Singer in Fight Club. I <3 that movie.

2 - Does anyone get this reference? In The Rage: Carrie 2, the girl jumped off the roof of her high school and landed on someone's car.