Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Letting Go ❯ One-Shot

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Disclaimer: I dont own em, Im not the ultimate expert on them by any means, Im just playing in someone elses sandbox. Please dont sue, Im too broke to pay for Pocky much less legal fees!
Warnings: OOC? Probably. Angst definitely. No Relena-bashing here, but shes definitely not getting any lemons with Heero or anyone else. Set post-EW. Call it an AU if you like. ^_~


LETTING GO
By RurouniTriv

Relena Peacecraft-Yuy woke to find that her husband was not in bed with her. It wasnt unusual, especially these days. Hed always been an early riser, not needing much sleep and being driven by his desire to protect her as he was, but hed been restless and quiet lately, more so than usual, and it worried her. Something was making him unhappy, and it had to be serious to disturb Heeros usual cool composure. Worried, she rose and went looking for him.
She found him standing by one of the many windows in the Sank Palace, looking out at the rain on one of the areas rare grey days. The room he was in was dark, the only light coming from the watery sun outside, and at first she thought that the watery tracks on his cheeks were an illusion cast by sunlight fighting its way through the rivulets sliding down the windowpane.
Instead, her tentative touch to his cheek met a damp and salty trail. Heero? she asked plaintively. Why are you crying?
Hed turned his head to identify her, rote habit left over from his training, and now turned away. Because Im not lost anymore. His dark blue eyes, which had been so cold and intense in his younger days, were almost black with sorrow and despair.
I dont understand. Why would you wish to be lost?
He shook his head with what might have been a faint trace of a smile. I dont. He took a deep breath, and she braced herself. He didnt reveal his pain very often, but when he did it was invariably awful. Shed thought once that she could ease that pain and teach him to love and be loved. But hed remained somehow distant, even at the moments of greatest physical intimacy. He wouldnt let her in.
When I was about fourteen, I was on a mission to destroy a base. Id gone in the day before to check the layout, and was in a park just outside the base, just looking at it, when I felt this tugging on my shirt. I looked down and there was this little blond girl and her dog. She asked me if I was lost, and I was so surprised I told her the truth. That Id been lost all my life. She gave me the flower shed been holding and ran off when her father called her.
She understood a bit now, and was almost relieved. That didnt seem so bad. But he was still talking.
When I returned to destroy the base, I got into a fight with some mobile suits assigned to protect the base. One of them fell the wrong way and landed on an apartment building. A civilian one.
I found their bodies in the rubble. Her and the dog both.
Oh, how terrible, Relena whispered, and wrapped her arms around him. He stiffened slightly, as he always did. He had never learned to really relax with someone touching him, and she reluctantly released him when his tension didnt ease after a few seconds. That was another thing that had been getting worse lately, his dislike of touch. They hadnt been intimate for months now. But I still dont think I understand about wanting to be lost. She phrased it very carefully, learning through long and sometimes painful experience that all it took was one wrong word to make him stop talking when he was in one of his rare expressive moods.
If youre lost, you dont know where you are, he explained. And if you dont know where you are, you cant tell where youre supposed to be going. Sometimes you can get lost and by the time youve found out where you are, its too late. Youre at a dead end and theres no way out.
Relena jerked. That hurt. But she put on her diplomats face, mind racing. He was in pain, and angry words now would only make that worse. She knew that some of the pilots had been worried that she didnt really love him when they married, that she was merely obsessed, but she did want him to be happy, and he so very obviously wasnt. Is there anything that I can do to help? she asked.
He shook his head, still not looking at her. Just let me be, Relena.
She bit her lip, a habit that her mother had despaired of ever breaking her of and one she displayed only in private. Very well. But if you can think of a way, tell me, please? I love you.
He inclined his head slightly, resting it on the cool glass of the window. I know you do, Relena.
Obviously, that wasnt enough.
Three days later, she was preparing to leave, planning on a trip to a business conference with political implications. Relax, Heero. You said yourself that it was a low-risk situation, I should be fine with just Jackson and Harvey. Take the day off, you havent had a chance to just relax in ages and I know you hate these things. Maybe you can get together with Wufei and Sally, or see what Duos up to.
In truth, she didnt want Heero there for this conference. She intended to skip out of some of the presentations and talk with Quatre Winner and Trowa Barton. She didnt have many chances to talk to any of the pilots without Heero there, and she needed desperately to talk to someone who knew that side of him that he took such pains to shelter her from.
Under normal circumstances, hed have caught on that she wanted to talk to the other two pilots, but as depressed as he was he didnt seem to make the connection between the conference and the two names she hadnt mentioned. Or perhaps he had and was simply not bothering to react to it.
Whether he was ignoring it or just didnt catch on, she went to the conference with her official bodyguards and without her unofficial one, and took advantage of the first chance she got to make contact with Quatre.
As shed hoped, Trowa had accompanied Quatre, who looked cutely disappointed with her husbands absence. Heeros not with you? he asked, blue eyes clouded. It was beyond her how he could look just as innocent at twenty-two as he had at fifteen.
No, I told him to take a day off from all this political stuff. Listen, what do you say we get together over lunch? If I recall the program correctly, there shouldnt be anything thats particularly interesting to either of us until about three, so we can have a nice long chat while the other presentations are going on and talk about old times.
Trowa, whod become a bit easier to read with Quatres enthusiastic tutoring, didnt react, simply went blank, while Quatres wide eyes narrowed a bit before his businessman mask dropped over his face. Wed like that, Quatre said, in an utterly normal voice. Relena suspected that even her bodyguards hadnt caught their reactions. Certainly no one else around them seemed to have noticed that the pair of former terrorist/freedom fighters had just gone on duty.
It was four long hours before Relena walked into the hotel room where Quatre and Trowa were waiting. Trowa met her at the door, gracefully leading her to the sumptuously laid-out lunch awaiting them. To look at him, tall and lean, still with his acrobats grace and now wearing a shy smile, no one would think that he was one of the five most deadly men on the planet.
I can see why this hotel has a five-star rating, Relena murmured politely as she sat, Quatre equally politely holding her chair for her. They traded polite small-talk while the bodyguards unobtrusively scanned the room for bugs or explosives, seeming for all the world like nothing more than old friends having a pleasant reunion.
Trowas smile disappeared in an instant when the bodyguards took up their positions outside the door and Quatre looked serious. Whats going on, Relena? the blond Arab asked.
Its Heero. Oh, hes fine, at least physically, its just hes... well, depressed. Seriously so. He tries to hide it but we had a rather disturbing conversation a few days ago. I was hoping that the two of you might have some ideas on how to cheer him up, or help him over it, or something.
The two pilots exchanged glances that held a faint trace of relief in with the worry. Perhaps if you could tell us what the conversation was about? Trowa suggested. We do know a side of him that you may not be totally familiar with.
That hes always tried to hide from me, you mean, she said with a snort. Lets call a spade a spade, at least between us, shall we? Id rather you not keep silent about any ideas you did have for fear of hurting my feelings. Now, as for what happened, she said, and proceeded to tell them about the conversation that had finally prompted her to seek help and all the little signs before and after it.
The two young men traded looks again, and Quatre turned back to her with a sigh. I was wondering how long it would last, he said.
Excuse me?
Relena... I dont know if youve quite realized this, but Heero was rather at loose ends when the Mariemaya incident ended. Before that, even. Hed disappeared, no one knew where for ages, and then to lose Wing... he didnt really know anything except battle. Hes the kind of man who needs a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning, and without the war, without someone to tell him what to do, he didnt know what to do.
Heero needs to be needed, Trowa agreed quietly. And you needed him. Needed someone to protect you, and his training as an assassin means that hes a good bodyguard. Needed someone to support you, and hes always believed that you were the best chance we all had to keep peace alive. Needed someone to care about him, and you do, or you wouldnt be here. I have to admit that I doubted that when you two first said that you were getting married, and for that Im sorry.
Relena blinked. That was the most shed ever heard Trowa say at once. But?
Quatre sighed and took over the conversation. Quite frankly, Heeros not the most emotionally aware person that ever piloted a Gundam. In fact, even Trowa was better than him in that area, although not by much, he said with a teasing glance at his partner. Weve suspected for a long time that he got confused, thought that his need to be needed was mistaken for love. Or maybe he just didnt think he was capable of loving.
Or maybe he was trying to make up for the mistake that killed that little girl? she asked shrewdly. I havent been able to pin down her exact identity, but he did say she had blond hair. I think perhaps that I remind him of her. He had that kind of look in his eyes when he was talking about her.
...
Perhaps. Quatre sighed. Quite frankly, I never really expected the two of you to get together like you did. And I didnt expect you to stay together as long as you have.
What did you expect him to do? And who did you think hed be doing it with?
Duo. Both pilots said the name simultaneously.
Relenas eyes opened wide. Duo? But hes a boy! Quatre and Trowa gave her rather amused looks and pointedly took each others hands. Oh, you know I dont have anything against that, its just I never... you really think hes gay?
Quatre sighed. I think hes damned near crippled emotionally. Frankly, his unhappiness now, his willingness to admit to being unhappy, is the best sign Ive seen out of him in years. But the thing about Duo is, he could make Heero react like no one else could. And the more that they were together, the more human Heero acted. Theres more to love than just bodies, and theres been studies that indicate that most people are at least a little bisexual anyway. They might not do much about it because of social and family pressures, but the urges are there, just repressed. I think that if anyones capable of pulling Heero out of that darkness of his, its Duo. And if he did, I suspect that a little thing like Duos physical appearance wouldnt matter in the least as far as Heeros concerned. Hed be too glad to be free of those walls that he hid behind to care. He shook his head. Not that it matters at this point. Heero made a commitment, and he wont abandon it.
Even though he could be happy if he did, Relena said sadly.
Trowa nodded.
She bit her lip, not even noticing that she was doing it, and stood, walking over to the window, leaning against it. She didnt even recognize her own unconscious mimicry of the way that shed found Heero weeping three days before, she just wanted the excuse to look away from the lovers behind her. She would never have that with Heero. Even in the early days of their marriage, she wouldnt have called him her lover. Husband, yes, in all ways, but not lover. No matter that shed given her body to him and only him, and suspected that the same was true of him, he had never let her in. And she hadnt been able to break through those walls that Quatre had spoken about.
Shed never loved anyone but him. She didnt think she ever would, or could. She was dismally certain that she was the kind of person who gave her heart once and never took it back, no matter what.
But she did love him. That much she was certain of.
She discreetly wiped her tears. Thank you, both of you. Youve given me a lot to think about. She headed for the door.
I hope it helps, Quatre said, and hugged her before escorting her out of the room.
I suspect it will, she said with a small brave smile.
To her surprise, Trowa kissed her forehead in farewell, as he might have kissed his sisters. Be well, he said in his quiet way. She hugged him, leaning on him for a moment, then straightened and left, to all appearances perfectly calm and composed. Just a young woman whod stolen an hour or two from a very busy schedule to visit with friends.
She returned to the Palace that evening very thoughtful. As much as it hurt to realize that she couldnt give Heero what he needed, the fact that he was so miserable made it obvious what she had to do.
The day of freedom hadnt appreciably lessened Heeros depression. But he did look curious when Relena asked him to go for a walk in the gardens with her. Most of their more important talks had occurred while on such walks. They were both such private people that it was easier to talk about delicate subjects while they were in motion. Both of them had been trained to control their feelings, for differing reasons, and to expose themselves emotionally created a strain that was eased somewhat by physical activity.
Theyd walked a bit when Relena opened the conversation. Ive often thought that quite a few of the problems weve had wouldnt be problems at all if we hadnt been trained to control our emotions so tightly, Relena said.
Heero nodded. I think we can both agree to that. Watching closely out of the corner of her eye, Relena saw his shoulders slump a bit. Disappointment at such an obvious comment?
They walked on in silence.
Heero?
Aa?
If you could go anywhere, do anything, what would you do?
Heero frowned. What do you mean?
You promised to protect me, to take care of me. I honor that promise. But have you ever really thought about what you would have done if life had turned out differently? What you would do, where you would go and who youd go with?
Heero stopped, head bowed and turned away from her, hiding his expression. What does it matter? I made my choice.
Please. Its important.
Heero turned to look at her, and his eyes were again almost black with pain. I made my choice. She looked at him, waiting. Duo. Id have gone with Duo. Weve got enough money that we could live a lifetime just on the interest, thanks to OZ, so we could just do whatever we wanted, go where we wanted. Hes been working on L2, trying to improve conditions there, I could help him with that. It would be nice to create something instead of just destroying. He tore his eyes from hers and gazed up at the sky and the colonies now hidden beyond the atmosphere. I think I would have liked that.
He made you happy, didnt he? When you were together during the war.
Yes. He taught me so much, so many things that Dr. J didnt know or didnt think were important. He always enjoyed life to the fullest. I didnt know how to do that. I still dont, although I learned a little from him. He made me laugh. I dont think I ever laughed before him. He turned to face her, and his eyes were wild. Why are you doing this? Why are you asking me these things, asking me to dream of what I can never have? One hand, strong enough to bend steel, grabbed her arm as he spoke.
Heero. Youre hurting me. Her voice was utterly calm, even as she felt her bone creaking under the pressure.
He dropped her hand as if burned. Im sorry. Hed pulled back inside that shell. She hated it when that happened.
She raised her good hand, the one whose upper arm wasnt screaming in pain from the bruising that it had just gotten, and laid it against his cheek. I know, Heero. You forgot your strength for a moment, thats all. She brushed her thumb against one high cheekbone, wiping away the tear that had spilled, then pulled him gently close for a hug. He accepted it this time, arms wrapping around her waist carefully, not wanting to hurt her again, and he bowed his head to her shoulder as she leaned against him, soaking up his strength and his pain, and a few sniffs slipped through her control.
They say if you love something, set it free, she murmured, and he pulled back, looking confused.
Did you realize that you could tell something about the Gundam pilots by which Gundam they piloted? Trowa, so devastatingly distant, with his Heavyarms which was designed for long-range combat. Sandrock, which almost always fought in close and which had extra-heavy armor to shield it and Quatre who seems so friendly all the time and yet is the best strategist of you all. Wufei with his passion for justice and Altlong which was possibly the best in fighting ability. Duo, with his belief that he was cursed by Shinigami, piloting a Gundam fashioned after the Grim Reaper. And you and your Wing... you both need to fly free to be at your best.
Heero was trembling. What are you saying?
I see you, so terribly unhappy, and I spoke to Quatre and Trowa who helped me see why that is. Ive trapped you in a gilded cage. I didnt mean to, I only wanted you to be happy. But you cant live in that cage without killing the very part of you that makes me love you, so Im opening the door. She choked a bit, trying not to cry, trying not to make this any harder on him than it had to be. Go. Fly away and be free. Ill miss you. I think Ill always love you. But dont ever feel like you must come back to me. Because... part of loving someone is wanting them to be happy. And we both know you never will be, here with me.
He wet his lips. Youre sending me away?
Im letting you go. If you ever want to come back, for a while, for forever, the door will be open and youll be welcome. But I wont allow you to kill yourself inside. Not for my sake. Now go. Quatre and Trowa said that theyd be more than happy to have you visit with them if you like, or you could go to Duo wherever he is now. I told the servants to bring your bag to the room, I wasnt sure that theyd know what you wanted to take with you.
Relena... His voice was full of so many things, and his eyes blazed with the old fire that shed feared shed destroyed forever. He took her face in his hands, oh-so-gently, and pulled her to him, kissing her with an ardor that was greater than that hed shown on their honeymoon. Love, gratitude, happiness, it was all there in his kiss, and his joyous smile when he released her, looking down into her eyes, told her more than any words could that shed made the right choice.
She smiled up at him, eyes shimmering, and said a single word. Go. She punctuated it with a little push and he released her, running for the Palace. Running for his freedom.
She walked in the garden for another few minutes.
It wasnt until she saw his motorcycle, little used since their marriage, go roaring down the road towards the spaceport that she let her tears fall.