Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Loneliness ❯ Betrayed ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Duo, or Wufei, or Trowa, or Heero, or Quatre, and thank shinigami I don't own Relena. Basically, I don't own Gundam Wing. Happy? My fantasies have just been torn to shreds. I hope your happy with yourselves *pouts*

Warnings: This story is full of sex and angst and rape. Well I suppose sex and rape can be considered the same thing in this story but whatever. Lots and lots of detailed lemons. The pairing in this chapter is 1x2. Now no one can blame me for not telling them of the lemons ^_~

Author's notes: Sorry I took so long to post the first chapter. Believe me when I say, it's been a crazy couple months so I won't even bother listing all of my excuses. Be comforted in the fact that I still want to write this story, and I should be able to post the second chapter in a few weeks at most since I already am done with the first three pages of it.

This story has been written in first person present tense in Duo's point of view.

On with the story.

Chapter 1: Betrayed

Shit, is the only word I can think of to say as I sneak through the school's less than challenging security. Heero's going to be pissed. He hates it when I'm late.

The hallways are silent as I slip through the shadows, avoiding the cameras in the boy's dormitory. I distantly acknowledge a sharp pain in my ankle. I didn't notice it while on the mission, then again I never acknowledge pain during missions. I probably sprained the ankle when I jumped from a platform four stories above the ground on my way to my Gundam. I wince slightly as my adrenaline begins to ware off as I reach the hall containing the room I share with Heero. Cautiously, I slip from the shadows and pick the lock. Opening the door as quietly as I can, I enter the room, releasing a breath I wasn't aware I was holding as I close it. Maybe if I'm lucky I can go straight to bed and Heero will wait till tomorrow to ask me-

"You're late."

-about the mission. Guess not. He didn't ask, but I know he'll want answers. Anger fills me as I realize that he doesn't trust my abilities, but the feeling is gone as fast as it came. I have to remind myself that I haven't given him a reason to trust me. I relax at this realization and the logic overrides my personal feelings. I walk towards my bed, dropping the bag I use to store explosives as I go. But before I manage to get to my bed I'm slammed against the wall, a hand quickly closing around my neck.

"Why?" Heero's voice is even colder than normal, if that's even possible.

I don't try to remove his hand from my neck because I know he's a lot stronger than me. A scrawny street rat doesn't stand a chance against the perfect killing machine. "Heero, I --"

His grip tightens it hold around my throat, cutting off my air supply. My hands fly to his, desperately trying to loosen the hold on my neck as I struggle to breathe. I know the action is useless, but reason has ceased to exist as I'm reduced to animal instincts that are willing to do anything to breathe.

"Heero" I croak in between struggled gasps. He only tightens his grip around my neck. My hands fall down to my sides as darkness threatens to consume me. He releases a leg that I wasn't even aware of being held. I use the last of my strength slamming my knee in between his legs as hard as I can. As he doubles over in pain, I collapse to the ground on my already sprained ankle, making it worse than it had been before. Each gasp I take burns my abused throat. I touch it tenderly and wince, there is going to be a very bad bruise there for awhile. I can't seem to believe what just happened is real. Heero almost killed me, and I doubt he would have cared if he did. He almost killed me.

"You--" Heero slams his foot into my stomach, knocking the air out of my lungs, preventing me from finishing what I was going to say.

"You hit me." Under different circumstances, I would laugh at the obvious statement, but I know that if I laughed, I would regret it immediately. He slams my head against the wall and I feel as if I'm going to black out, but he prevents that by slapping me in the face, making my cheek burn.

"Never hit me again." He emphasizes "again" by punching me in the groin. I can barely think as my body screams with pain, but I refuse to allow Heero the satisfaction of knowing this. I will not let myself scream. I fight the tears in my eyes as he hits me again and again as I'm pinned against the wall. I have a sick feeling that he isn't using as much force as he is capable of. I close my eyes, waiting for the hits to stop, brief flashes of passed beatings crossing my mind. I'm no stranger to pain. I've been hit and beaten on numerous occasions while living on the streets and also when G helped me build pain barriers in case if I was captured.

Heero smacks me hard in the face, forcing my eyes to open. I realize that both of my hands are now held above my head and Heero's leg has worked it's way between mine, dangerously close to a part of me I'd rather not be damaged.

"Look at me." He growls, his leg is putting pressure against my dick. My only outward sign of the pain is a slight twitch of my eye as I refuse to look at him and tilt my head away.

Bad idea. He grabs my chin with his free hand, and yanks it towards him, pressing harder against my dick and forces his lips on mine. Pain and shock override my senses temporarily stunning me and he uses my helplessness to push his tongue into my mouth. Heero's kissing me! I've been trying to seduce Heero for the past two weeks we've spent at the school. I was lonely and had seeked human contact in the only way I know how. Sex. After completely ignoring me, I'd begun to wonder if maybe Dr. J had messed with his sex drive too, since Heero didn't look at girls in that way either, but I guess I was wrong. After two weeks he's finally kissing me, but instead of being thrilled I'm disgusted.

My mind is abruptly brought back to reality when Heero bites my tongue and snarls because I tried to enter his mouth. Wait, I was kissing Heero back? I hadn't even realized what I was doing. I'm so pathetic. I didn't want to, but I did. I suppose it just felt natural to me because of the Sweepers... Heero punches me in the stomach to silently remind me I'm not in charge. As I wallow in my pain and try to think of a solution to get out of this, Heero undoes my pants and roughly pulls them down to my knees, my boxers immediately following them.

My eyes widen as my situation fully sets in. Heero wants to rape me. No. I don't want this. I struggle and try to free my hands from his grasp as he abruptly pulls me from the wall, slamming me face first back into it so my backside is facing him. My head knocks into the wall so hard my vision swims. He separates my hands and spreads them apart, putting them on either side of me as he presses his body against mine. I can feel his hard cock through his spandex, rubbing against my thigh.

"This is what you want isn't it, "He whispers, breathing softly in my ear causing shivers to run down my spine.

"Isn't it?" He says a little louder this time, his tone threatening. Fuck you, is what I want to say. Saying 'Get away from me pervert' would also be nice, but I fear what will happen if I do. I won't say yes though, I'm not that much of a slut yet. I'm not that bad, but what happens when I say no? I guess it doesn't really matter, it isn't as if he can do anything that I haven't felt before. I know it doesn't matter if I say yes or no, he's still going to rape me.

"No" I whisper.

"What?" He growls, yanking my braid forcing my head back so he can look at me. Even though I've been beaten before, I've never really been raped. I wasn't raped on the Sweeper ships because I was paying for my food and a place to stay, I willingly accepted my fate. Not this time. As I look into his eyes I can't fight the fear rising in me. His cold eyes that are usually so empty are brightly shining with lust.

"No" I whisper with a little more difficulty than before. His eyes darken as he smiles evilly. I've never seen him smile before, and now I hope to never see his smile again as he replies:

"Wrong answer."

Grabbing my balls, he squeezes them painfully until a whimper escapes my lips. He lets go and I can feel his body against mine. He steps back and fumbles with his spandex. I close my eyes not daring to move. Even if I tried to run, I wouldn't get to the door before Heero would catch me. I can run fast, but not after being beaten this badly.

This is my fault. It's my fault I'm about to be raped, and it's my fault that I'm not even doing anything about it. I asked for it. I tried to seduce him, he knows that I've been trying to have sex with him for the past two weeks, so I only have myself to blame. It's my fault for being a slut. I shouldn't have trusted him anyway. Just because he's a comrade doesn't mean I should trust him. None of that matters now.

I can hear Heero pulling his spandex down over his hard cock and down his legs with one hand. His other hand has a firm grasp on my manhood, roughly rubbing it, sending disgusting shivers down my spine. I try not to think about what's happening as Heero once again presses him self against me. I try to think about the mission I was just on and the different school assignments I've missed. Anything except the present, but it's not working. It's hard to ignore what's happening around me when I'm pinned against the wall and someone is licking my neck. Heero's hand is still handling my cock and I'm disgusted by my body's reaction. I don't cry out when he bites the back of my neck, drawing blood and I fight back a moan when he reaches under my shirt and starts to play with my nipples.

"Slut" I hear Heero whisper as he pinches my fully erect nipples. I don't want him to be doing this to me, but yet as he withdraws his hands from under my shirt, I whimper at the loss. I don't want him to kiss me, but when he does, I willingly grant him entrance to my mouth. I don't fight back. He explores my mouth as if he owns it and I give him complete dominance over me. Before he breaks the kiss, Heero bites my lip, drawing blood and presses his knee against my manhood, making me groan from both the pain and pleasure. I'm disgusted with myself and I feel lower than I've ever felt before. He's right, I am a slut, a dirty whore, that's all I'm really good for.

Probably one of the things about myself that disgusts me the most is that I get turned on by pain. Not by being punched, but by drawing blood, burning, or being whipped. I think G had a little too much fun with me after he discovered this. I still have a few scars left from my "playtime" with him. There are numerous burns scarring my skin, and lines along my back from the different times G whipped me. His excuse was that it helped me build my resistance towards pain, and he wouldn't let me make a sound while he'd torture me. There were a couple times I lost consciousness and he didn't even notice until he was done with his beatings.

The air is knocked out of me and I'm brought back from my memories as I once again struggle to breathe. He keeps hitting me until I am reduced to a coughing mass on the floor trying to bring more air into my lungs. My vision is blurry and I struggle to support myself on my hands and knees when the hitting stops. I have to fight away the darkness in the corner of my mind and I know I'm losing consciousness. Losing consciousness is not good even though it means I don't have to feel the pain. It makes me more vulnerable and I'd rather be aware of what is happening to me than be left in the dark no matter how painful. I think I have a concussion because I feel dizzy and I can't see straight. Heero grabs the back of my head yanking it up so that my face is inches from his hard cock.

"Suck," is the only demand Heero gives me as shoves his cock down to the hilt in my mouth causing me to deep throat him. I refrain from shivering as I think about what is happening, and briefly consider biting down as hard as I can. As if reading my mind however, I receive a sharp blow to the side of my head, the only thing keeping my skull from slamming into the wall is Heero's hand on the other side of my head. I decide that if I please him enough may be he'll be too distracted to hurt me so I start sucking. He grabs both sides of my head, pulling on my hair, moaning in pleasure as I swirl my tongue around his dick. I'm not really concentrating on the task at hand like I should be, I'm busy thinking about all the times I've done this with the men on the Sweepers ship. It's the same, and yet different because it's worse. Another hit on the back of my head tells me I'm slacking off and that I need to concentrate once again. I slide Heero's now moist member back into my mouth, and this time he starts thrusting into my throat, till he is entirely in my mouth. I struggle not to choke and I move my mouth with him to try to make it less painful, but he only thrusts harder. I can't breathe, I can't get away. Just as I start to wonder if he'll ever stop he punches me and takes himself out of my mouth. I collapse on to the floor again, struggling for air. Growling, Heero picks me up off the ground, forcing me against the wall again. I'm confused as to what he wants now, but my answer is the object pressing against the entrance to my anal canal.

Heero only lingers for a moment, readjusting his weight to make sure that he will be able to hold me up when I can no longer support myself. Then Heero thrusts into me and I bite back a scream. My eyes are shut so I don't have to look, but I can still feel him back out and slam into me sending never ending waves of pain through my body as he moans in ecstasy. It takes all the willpower I possess not to make any sound. For the first time ever, I'm grateful for Professor G's torture sessions. It has enabled me to build a mental block that separates myself from the pain. All my other senses are enhanced in a detached sort of way, I just can't respond to them as well with the block as I can without. I can still feel Heero thrusting in and out of me, his hands on my hips hard enough to leave a bruise, I can still hear him panting and moaning in ecstasy. Everything is the same as it was, except the pain is different, and I can feel my heart beat slowing as I retreat deeper and deeper into my mind. I know the pain is there, it doesn't go away, but I'm at peace. It's as if the pain doesn't matter, it merely becomes a thought that can be pushed away. I'm not completely coherent when this happens though. My reaction time slows dramatically. It won't stop me from remembering all the pain I feel later though.

Heero has started moving faster now. The blood is acting like a natural lubricant now, so it doesn't hurt as much as it should. I can feel the blood sliding down my thighs making me wonder how much blood I'm losing. It doesn't really matter, seeing as I don't think it will be enough to lower my performance rate during missions. Heero grabs my dick in one of his hands and starts rubbing it. My mind comes crashing back down to reality as disgusting pleasure runs through my veins. My body reacts and thrusts into his hand, moving with him. He quickens his pace, slamming harder and deeper into me. Without warning, he squeezes my balls as hard as he can and I bite my lip to keep from screaming. My body tenses from the pain and it throws Heero over the edge, pouring his cum into my body with a loud moan. He leans against me for a few minutes until he can collect himself. Then he pulls out his cock covered in my blood, wipes it on my shirt and puts on his pants. He doesn't even say anything to me as he walks back to the desk and starts typing on his laptop once again, acting as if I'm not here.

It's over, I realize as Heero finally retreats to the other side of the room. I slide down against the wall, no longer capable of supporting myself. My adrenaline from the mission has long since expired and I feel the exhaustion that has resulted from the forty-two hour mission with out a lot a sleep in between. I fight to stay conscious. I need to stay awake to clean my wounds and make sure they do not become infected, but it's futile. As I give in to the darkness, I wonder if what has just happened is real, or if this is only another of my many nightmares.

~*~*~*~*~

Light shines through my closed eyelids, causing me to squint. I try to lift my arm to block the light, but I immediately regret it. Pain registers all over my body and I remember last night. I remember him thrusting in and out of me, the way his fists slammed into my chest, making it difficult to breathe. Pain, betrayal, confusion are the things I feel now. Why did he do this to me?

I grit my teeth against the pain and slowly push myself up into a sitting position. As I sit up, I nearly fall back down again because of the dizziness I feel. I close my eyes and lean my back against the wall, waiting for the world to stop spinning. My head feels like it's about to explode, and I feel like Deathscythe stepped on me. I laugh bitterly at the image, but stop abruptly and start coughing instead. The coughing only hurts me more, and I collapse down to the floor. I suppose I won't be talking very much for awhile, or at least I won't enjoy talking. Heero choked me a little too hard and I think it damaged my throat, not to mention my lungs are really abused too. When the coughing spasm finally stops, I take slow, shallow breaths till I think I can try to sit up. Once I'm sitting again, and I can see clearly, I inspect my surroundings. The room is the same as it was when I walked through the door with the exception of the curtains being open, explaining the blinding light I woke up to, the absence of Heero, and the blood on the carpet. The carpet around me is stained a dark red from the blood spilled after I lost consciousness. I groan, it's going to be a bitch to clean up. I guess that it must be sometime in the afternoon since the sun is high in the sky outside, and because of Heero's absence, but I look at the clock to make sure anyway. It's 12:17. Heero shouldn't be back for about another three hours. That gives me two hours to take a shower, clean my wounds, not think about last night, and another hour to clean up the blood and to figure out how to avoid Heero. But first, I have to get up.

I try to use the wall to help me into a standing position, but I can't balance because my pants are still around my knees, not to mention, I can't put very much weight on my sprained ankle at the moment. I decide that pulling my pants back up is useless because it will take longer than taking them off and I'm just going to get up and take a shower anyway. I slowly slide my boots off my feet, being very careful with my sprained ankle, which has now started to swell. I take off my blood soaked pants followed by my boxers. This took a lot more effort than I thought it would, because every move I made hurts me in over a dozen places. Using the wall as support, I once again attempt to stand, hissing as I try putting weight on my sprained ankle. If I wasn't used to pain, then I would have collapsed but I've been living with pain my entire life, inside and out. Once I'm confident I can make it to the bathroom with out falling, I limp my way towards the door using the wall as support the whole way there.

In the bathroom I take off my bloody shirt and inspect the visible damage. I have several cuts from the mission, and I think a couple of the bruises must have been from the mission too, though now it's hard to tell because my entire torso are various shades of blue and black. I think I might even have a cracked rib because I can't take deep breaths. There is a dark ring around my neck and there are visible hand imprints from when Heero choked me. Swallowing alone hurts my neck and I doubt that I will be eating solids any time soon. I remember the last time I was strangled. I was still living on the streets of L2 when my second lover had betrayed me for our rivaling gang. I push the memories aside and go back to my self-appointed task and look at my arms next. My wrists are bruised from his grip on them, and there are a few burn marks from the mission, along with a couple bruises, but they aren't bad compared to the rest of me. After fully inspecting my arms, my eyes travel down to look at my legs. The insides of my thigh are caked with dried blood, and I think about Heero. Anger and self-hatred rise in me as I think about my helplessness the night before and how I the only thing I had done to fight back was bite his tongue. I slam my fist onto the counter by the sink, disgusted with myself. Wonderful, now my knuckles are broken.

How could Heero do this to me? Better yet, how could I be so stupid? I learned my lesson years ago. I know better than to trust anyone. Remember what Ice did! He betrayed me! Either they betray me or die. That is my life, how could I have been so stupid? I am not allowed to love again, and now I will make sure I will never trust again. I cannot afford to be caught off guard, not that it would have made a difference. Heero's a lot stronger than I am anyway, and I wouldn't have been able to use my knife against him because I lost it in the mission. I wouldn't have been able to kill him, and even if I could have killed him I don't think I would have. I already made the mistake of killing someone out of anger. I will not do that again. I suppose, I'm even angrier at myself than at Heero because at certain points I actually wanted it, but when it became painful I didn't. Heero is right, I am a slut. I close my mind of all my thoughts and continue inspecting. I'll finish sorting out my thoughts later. My ankle is swollen but it isn't that bad, it's just extremely painful. My shins are bruised from the numerous kicks but I'll survive. I don't look at the blood again, or look at my backside so I don't have to think about what he did. Now is not the time to think.

I limp t the shower and turn the water to the hottest setting. For most people it would be too hot, but it's never hot enough for me because I'm always cold. It doesn't matter how much clothing I have on, I never seem to be warm enough. Stepping into the shower, the water stings as it comes into contact with the various bruises and cuts that make up my skin, washing away the blood. The water on the bottom of the tub is stained a light shade of pink as it goes through the drain. Ignoring the pain, I take out my hair tie and place it by the container of shampoo. I thank all the gods that don't exist for conditioner, combing my hair without it would be impossible. I miss the times Sister Helen would comb my hair at night before I would go to bed, and then again when I would wake up from a nightmare each night, but that was a long time ago. I alone touch my hair now. I'm done washing my hair and I've rinsed out the conditioner. Now it's time to wash off the blood. Usually, most of the blood isn't my own, but from soldiers that were unfortunate enough to meet me in person. Today it's my blood I'm washing off. I scrub the blood off, not caring if I reopen the different wounds or put too much pressure on the bruises. I focus on the pain to shut out the memories. The memories of the times the Sweepers got drunk and were too rough. Of whimpering in the in the shower as I washed the blood from between my legs. The pain of sitting in the cockpit after the professor was done fucking me. Memories of the professor in the cockpit while fucking me. Memories of last night. I scrub harder. I know I'm a whore, a slut that usually enjoys sex to an extent, but last night hurt. I still see blood, I have to wash it off. Heero betrayed me, I thought that since he was supposed to be my comrade, he wouldn't be like most of the guys I've known. The blood keeps flowing now, I reopened my cuts but I won't stop scrubbing. I was wrong, Heero's like them. No, he's worse. I'm getting dizzy. I can't trust anyone. I fall to my knees on the bottom of the shower stall. Either they will break my trust or I will love them, and I am not allowed to love. Such is my torment. My purgatory on Earth. I'm still bleeding, the blood is still there, as is the dirt. I'm filthy and no matter how much I try to wash away the dirt, it's still there.

No amount of water will ever wash away the filth that is me.

~*~*~*~*~

end of part one.

So, tell me what you think. Is this good or bad, how can it be improved? I like criticism. If you want to tell me this sucks and you hate me, go ahead. All flames are welcome unless they bash gays. I take offense to that. I hope you understood the end, it might have seemed kind of disorganized, but that's how Duo was thinking at the time too.

Many apologies again for taking so long to do this, but maybe the length of the chapter will help you forgive me?

Review or email me at karlotao2@netscape.net