Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Lonely Souls of War ❯ Lonely Souls of War ( Chapter 1 )

Lonely Souls of War

Discalimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of it's characters. I'm not doing this for money either.

Author's notes: Well, this is supposed to be a sappy fic, but I don't think it turned out that way. I wrote this in answer to a challenge I saw on fanfiction.net by LunaJade neko-chan. The challenge said to write a sappy romance fic for Heero and Dorothy. Now, I find writing romance for either of them difficult, but it's especially trying to write one between THEM.

Dorothy and Heero aren't the sappy type. As a result I think this fic is more of an angst story than sap, but I was trying to stay as much in character as possible. (Notice the word 'trying'.)

I believe that certain people view certain characters in their own way. That means those slight deviations from what people consider to be 'in character' aren't really out of character; it's just a different perspective. However, many people go much farther than that and have the characters do things that no one can justify.

I don't like to write characters OOC for my own personal reasons. It's not that I find anything wrong with it. I happen to love reading romance stories, even ones where the characters don't act the way they normally would. It just seems to me that if they're that OOC that it's not really a fanfic so much as a story using those names. It doesn't make the story bad, it just makes it not fit with the series. I do admit to doing it to a certain extent myself.

In consequence I could not make this a sappy fic (Although there might be a hint here and there.). Sorry if I offended anyone with my little rant, but I felt I had to explain why I couldn't stick strictly to the rules of the challenge.

Anyway, on to the fic!

Dear Journal,

I bet no one would ever believe that I, of all people, would ever right down my 'feelings' in a journal. Well, I'd have to agree with them there. Not even I thought I would ever do such a thing. But, I have feelings and since sharing them with someone is absolutely out of the question I'm going to write them down.

It's funny that I never actually had the need to express my feelings before, but many things have changed over the years. I suppose I'm a different person now. War, death, and my own self-realization did that.

This is completely stupid! How is writing a bunch of words on paper going to accomplish anything? I don't know why I listened to Quatre when he suggested I do this. Then again, maybe I do. I can't really say that we're friends, although he's the closest person I have to one. He watched out for me after the war and he continues to look in on me every once in a while.

I wish I could be like him in some ways. He has family, friends, and the ability to experience life the way it was meant to be.

Maybe I don't wish to be like him. Maybe I desire to be like someone else. Someone who doesn't feel emotion let alone have the need to express it. Things would be so much easier if I were like that.

But I'm not like that. I'm not like him. Who is this 'him' you might ask? Years ago I thought that there were two people like that, but stories of one of them have made me discount him. The other one, the one I speak of, is named Heero Yuy.

-Dorothy Catalonia

Dear Journal,

Loneliness. That's the feeling I've had to deal with since I was a little girl. I didn't even realize that's what it was until recently. I think I might have been blind to myself all these years. Maybe I just didn't want to admit it?

I threw myself into my studies as a child, but when that failed I had the war to fall back on. I think I know now why I was so desperate for it to continue. As long as the war went on I didn't have to face my demons. It worked so well then, but it cost me a rather large price in the end. A part of my own humanity left me when I fought in that war.

I didn't even consider such things until a few days ago. I walked into a restaurant and whom did I see? The Gundam pilots of course! Not all of them, mind you, but Quatre, Duo, and Heero sat around a table close to the door. The braided pilot chatted endlessly to his blond haired friend while Heero sat silently to the side.

I tried to turn around and walk out, but, as I said, they were by the door and it was easy to spot me. I don't know what Heero thought of the whole thing, but Duo didn't seem exactly happy that Quatre had invited me over. I probably would have declined if it weren't for the worried look on Quatre's face when he thought I was going to say no.

So, like the soldier I am, I sat at the table with them. Quatre tried to get me involved in the conversation, but I just couldn't seem to say more than one or two words.

Sitting there watching the two pilots talk led me to my current thoughts. They were so open with one another and so close. Neither of them would ever have to feel alone. It hit me all of a sudden that I'd never felt so set apart from the rest of humanity in my whole life.

I'm not sure if the next part really happened or not, but it's important to the story anyway. I looked up after a few moments to find Heero staring at me. My eyes locked with his and he smirked a knowing smirk at me. I blinked in surprise, but when my eyes opened again his usual uninterested, blank mask was all I saw.

Perhaps I imagined it? I wouldn't put it past my own desperate mind to conjure up such things. For that one moment I actually felt human. I wasn't by myself anymore. And just as soon as it had come the feeling left me and I was even lonelier than I had been.

I made some excuse to the men at the table and took my leave, but not before glancing back one last time. Duo had Quatre's attention again, but Heero wasn't looking to them. He was looking at me.

That's when I fled like the hounds of hell were after me. I wandered around for a few hours, not really seeing anything. When I got home it was dark and all I could think of was that I had to find away to release all of my thoughts and emotions. That's where you come in, my little journal.

I sat at my desk and wrote until I thought my hand might fall off at the wrist. I was so exhausted by the time I put my pen down that I fell into a dreamless sleep. It didn't last. The past few days have been hard. Writing helps, but only for the time I'm doing it and I can't write forever.

It's late at night now and I can't put off sleep any longer. I might not actually sleep, but my body can't do much else other than lay there right now.

What am I going to do?

-Dorothy Catalonia

Dorothy shut the cover of her increasingly important journal before standing and stretching her stiff muscles. She wandered around the apartment for some time shutting off the lights and checking the locks, but there was more to it than that. She didn't want to go to bed. It meant she had to lay there and do nothing but think. Thinking too much had been her problem lately.

Deciding that she could put it off no longer Dorothy made her way down the hall to her bedroom. She was just about to open the door when her doorbell rang. Frowning to herself she made her may back down the hall and into the living room. The clock above her desk told her that it was three a.m. Who would come at such an hour?

"Who is it?" she demanded while running her pale fingers through her hair.

"Heero," came a stiff, hard voice from the other side of the door. Dorothy was too shocked to do anything for a moment, but reality eventually came back and with it came the fact that there was someone who was on the other side of the door waiting for her to open it. She undid the locks and slowly opened the door to come face to face with her visitor.

She stepped back from the door and he strolled through without a word. After closing the door she led him through the short hallway and into her living room. Heero hadn't said anything since she opened the door and he continued to keep silent as he took in his surroundings.

Slowly his eyes made their way around her simple apartment. The walls were a pale off-white, the plush wall-to-wall carpeting only a few shades darker. A beige leather couch and a matching love seat made an L shape in the middle of the room. Her uncluttered wooden desk was situated on the right wall with the T.V. next to it on a white entertainment center.

His eyes didn't linger on anything for any length of time. For that she was grateful. He missed seeing the black and gold journal that lay right in the center of her desk. For some reason she felt that no one should even know of its existence let alone what was in it.

"Why are you here?" she asked when he didn't say anything.

"We need to talk," he stated bluntly.

"I don't see that we should," she replied coolly.

Heero moved over and sat on the arm of the couch while Dorothy leaned against the wall to the hallway over by the front door.

"You feel it, don't you?" he queried, his voice as monotone as ever.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Yuy."

"Emptiness."

"I feel no such thing. I'm quite content with my life." That knowing smirk crossed his face once again.

"Don't you? There's a void in you and you don't know how to fill it or get rid of it otherwise. You think that your past makes you different, and it does, but it doesn't make you inhuman. Humans are notorious for their mistakes and they are also known for their ability to form close relationships."

"You don't know anything about that!" she spat at him, clearly shaken.

He continued unperturbed. "It's like there are no connections to anything real or anything that 'normal' people associate with. When in a crowded room you feel like you're the only one there and that you'll never find someone to share your life with.

"It's loneliness. The suffocating feeling of nothingness. No ties, no relationships, no emotions. Or so people think. There are emotions that people deal with that no one else even knows about."

"Stop it…" she muttered hoarsely. "STOP IT! STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!" Dorothy's voice rose as she went.

"What do you know? You never have to feel that way! You don't know what it's like to have people look at you and not see you. Or, when they do see you all they see is some monster.

"You don't feel so you don't have to worry about being lonely. You don't have to deal with what people think because you DON'T CARE!"

"Is that what you believe?" he looked to her face in askance as he walked towards her.

The tears came then. Tears she had been holding back for so long. And she cried and cried for so many things. The loss of her family, her childhood, the hope of friends, and the loss of herself brought forth heart-rending sobs of grief.

Only when her sobs had subsided to sniffles did she realize that she was no longer standing on her own. His arms circled her body, keeping her from falling. His gray shirt was soaked with her tears and yet he didn't seem to mind that she had ruined his shirt or that he was supporting the weight of the both of them.

"You don't know…" she croaked as she his her face in his shirt once again.

"Nothing is as simple as that, Dorothy. I'm human, too," he murmured quietly.

The tears came again. Silent tears that slid down her face and she let them. His arms stayed around her, finally letting the light into the dark void she had been living in.

Dear Journal,

It's been a while since I've written, ne? Almost a month. Then again, I'm quite grateful for that. You see, I haven't had the need. Things are different now.

Heero…

That's why they're different. He's been there for me over the past few weeks. He doesn't say much, and he's not demonstrative of any emotions, but he's there. All that matters to either of us is that we're not by ourselves.

We're two of a kind and that makes us not alone in the world or all the colonies. I feel special. I know I'm special if to no other person than to him. Heero could just as easily never even have thought of me ever again after that day in the restaurant, but he didn't. He came to me and held me as I released my demons in streams of salty tears. Tears he helped to banish.

Last night was the first time we went outside together. It was all right at first, but the loneliness started to creep up on me all of a sudden when we walked through a crowd of laughing people in the park.

I wrapped my arms around myself despite the warmth of the evening and could do nothing but stare at the ground as we continued to walk. More and more groups of people, friends with one another, filtered into the peacefulness of the park. The void was seeping in again.

The next moment my arms weren't around me anymore and my hand was engulfed in the rough yet somehow gentle hands of my companion. Heero looked at me and placed my hands in his own before mouthing the words, 'I'm here.'

We held hands for the rest of the evening and into the night. He didn't let go until he walked me to my door. Up until that point I thought we were friends who had something in common. When he said goodnight to me I realized that he could be someone I could care for very deeply and that I could easily spend the rest of my days not being lonely with him.

Yes, we were and are two of a kind.

Lonely souls of war.

-Dorothy Catalonia