Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Love Letters and Hate Mail ❯ Only an Ocean Away ( Chapter 6 )

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing is not mine. I'm only borrowing it. I don't own Sarah Brightman's "Only an Ocean Away" either.

Warnings: songfic... drama/angst... hints of shonen ai

A/N: It's nice to finally hear something from Duo. I identify with Duo the most out of any of the pilots, but this was a bitch to write. I had one version and ended up completely scrapping it. I hope you enjoy this one.
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Only an Ocean Away
By Solanum Dulcamara


Quatre,

Hey! What's up: How's the L4 cluster? Floating comfortably I'd assume. Things could be better here on earth. I was surprised to find you in a little apartment. I'd expected you to move into one of your family's lush estates. I mean, I can't blame you. I'd get lost in one of those mansions. Our apartment is plenty big enough. In fact, it's seemed too big lately. By lately, I mean the past year. It's especially hue and lonely at night.

I see a shadow every day and night.

I'm still not sleeping well. I miss when you'd let me crawl into your bed and talk till I fell asleep. Or when we'd rent a bunch of movies and stay up all night watching them. When I can't sleep... I usually go to your old room and sit where your bed used to be. And I talk to you, just like I used to. I know you're not there and you can't hear me. I'm not crazy... maybe. There are other nights that the apartment echoes with so much emptiness that I have to get out. I have to get away from the shadows. Don't freak out, I'm not reckless or anything. I just wander around... let myself get lost in the crowd.

I walk a hundred streets of neon lights,

I can already hear you telling me not to walk around New York alone at night. Thanks for giving a shit. Sorry. That sounded sarcastic, but it was meant to be sincere. I get scared in the apartment. It's not the shadows or the emptiness or the suffocating silence. It's me. I still break down... I cry alot. I don't always make good decisions when I get like that. So, it's actually safer to brave the muggers than be by myself.

Only when I'm crying. Can you hear me crying.

Truth? Things have gotten worse since you left. I suppose I'm doing alright… well, as alright as I can. So, what've you been up to for a year? You never write or call. I know you said you needed to move on with your life, but did that mean you had to move out?

So many times you always wanted more,

I know things were shitty and I know I'm not exactly easy to live with, but I really thought things worked out pretty well. Really though, I do hope that you left this all behind and it's all like a bad dream to you now.

Chasing illusions that you're longing for.

If you have moved on, then I applaud you. I wish I could escape. I always feel trapped... Like I'm chained to the memories and the pain. I know I'll never let it go. It'll follow me always; my shadow.

Wish I wasn't crying.

So, you're gone, but I still talk to you at night. And you haven't contacted me in almost a year, but I'm writing you a letter. I miss you. Did you really have to go? That's stupid. Nobody wants to spend their life baby sitting their imbalanced friend. I understand, but I still miss you.

Can you hear me crying.

I know you went to the colonies to get somewhere as far away as possible. There are less reminders and stuff. I used to obsess about the huge distance between us.

There's an ocean between us.

But I finally figured out that it doesn't matter if you're hundreds of thousands of miles away on L4 or an hour away in Newark. You're not here and you don't want to be here and I can't blame you. But I can wish you were here. And I can wish that you would write or call or something.

You know where to find me.

I still have all the pictures up on the fridge and in my room... I like to look at them. I'm not trying to be all karmic or anything, but sometimes when I stare at them, it feels like I can channel your energy. Maybe it's your space heart thingie.

You reach out and touch me. I feel you in my own heart.

But the feeling fades, as it always does and I'm left feeling more alone than ever. A year... you've been gone a year. It feels more like an eternity.

More than a lifetime. Still goes on forever.

The past two years have been harder than the war. I never knew living a "normal life" could be so difficult. Things were easier when you were here. But I'm not our responsibility, and I can take some amount of solace in imagining you in your new life.

But it helps to remember you're only an ocean away.

Remember how I said things have gotten worse? Well that's a bit of a half truth, which is a lie, so... truth: things are really shitty. I ended up seeing that shrink you recommended. He put me o some lithium combo drug. The pills were horrible. They made me feel empty. I'd rather feel like shit than feel empty, at least then I'm feeling something.

Was there a moment when I felt no pain.

I'm kinda talking outta order. There's a reason I'm actually going to the therapist. I was supposed to go to work this one day... I don't know, maybe two months ago, but I guess I didn't show. I say "I guess" because I don't really remember. So they sent Jenna to pick me up... or at least find out what the hell was going on. So, I'm not sure what she found, but she got me to the hospital and I'm alive. There are a few stains in your carpet. Sorry about that. Anyway, to get released, I had to sign some paperwork saying I'd get therapy. If I stop going... they'll probably lock me up. Anyway, so now I visit the quack three times a week. He gives me prescriptions and I struggle between pain and apathy.

I want to feel it in my life again.

I want it to be over. I'm not one of those people who like to wallow in misery, but I can't seem to get out. It's like this dark cloud has descended upon my life. I don't want to feel like this. I want to remember what happiness is like.

Let it be over now. Oh Oh over now.

I spend an hour every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday talking about myself, my life, that kind of bullshit. He's like probing me. He tells me I should take time to "relive the memories" in order for them to heal properly. It's like scratching at sore scar tissue over and over again.

'Cause I remember all the days and nights We used to walk the streets of neon lights

Seriously, this guy knows more about me than Heero. Scary. The only person who probably knows more about me than the guy in the wing back with the yellow legal pad, is you. You're the one who took the time to learn.

Oh I want you here with me. Oh be here with me.

I go back to work tomorrow. I'm lucky to still have the job. It'll be open mic night. Maybe Jenna'll sing that song you like. I thought I might try painting again, too. Oh yeah, I haven't recovered full mobility in my right arm. I apparently damaged a tendon or something. I tried to call you... I couldn't get through. The time... the distance... the pain kinda makes our friendship seem like some faraway dream.

There's an ocean between us.

Anyway, you know where I live if you ever wanna get a hold of me, I mean I'm usually home... if I'm not wandering the streets without purpose.

You know where to find me.

So, I'm glad I wrote this. I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Wow. Did that sound obsessive?! Part of me wants to hear from you and part of me is scared to. I do feel a little bit better writing to you, though.

You reach out and touch me.

We're best friends, right? Nothing changes that kind of thing. I already carry one best friend in me. (1) Now I can add another.

I feel you in my own heart.

And having said that, I really feel alot better. Not that I'm going to start calling myself "Trio" or anything. But the idea that no matter how far away you are physically, you're with me, in my heart... forever... well, it's a good feeling. I didn't remember what those were like.

More than a lifetime Still goes on forever. But it helps to remember You're only an ocean away.

So, have you taken over the family business? Or are you becoming the earth sphere's greatest musician? Sometimes I forgo dreaming to think about your dreams and imagine you chasing them.

So many times you always wanted more, Chasing illusions that you're longing for.

With what I told you, I can't pretend that I sleep alot anyway. And I'd much rather imagine you than succumb to my dreams... my nightmares... it's the shadows. Night time's the worst. Even with the lights on, everything is shadowed. I miss your light.

Wish I wasn't crying. Can you hear me crying.

I wish I had someone to talk to. Trowa is hiding somewhere in the world. Heero is not an option. I'm not ready to talk to him yet. Wufei and Sally are too busy globe trotting for the Preventers. Hilde checks in on the vid screen every now and then. And you shut yourself away from me.

There's an ocean between us.

So, if you ever do feel like talking... I mean... I miss you. I miss talking to you and sitting with you and seeing you and well everything about you. Like how you're notoriously messy with your clothes. I'll never forget the time I tripped over your coat in the middle of the night and almost killed myself. Well, if you ever do feel like talking, I'm right where you left me.

You know where to find me.

In the meantime, I'm trying to get better... to get stronger. I'm looking for all those hidden parts in me. The ones you found. I don't know how, but you reached into the shadow and pulled out all that is good in me.

Just reach out and touch me. I feel you in my own heart.

I know I'll never get enough of the way I feel when I'm with you. If I were ever beautiful, it was when I was with you. A year. It feels like forever, but I know it's not. Forever is waiting to happen and waiting for me to remember what life is like.

More than a lifetime It seems like forever.

I know I'm not living right now. I remember what living is like. Two years ago, I thought I'd never live again. But you took me in. You took care of me. You helped me remember what life is like. I have alot of memories but those from the year we lived together are my most precious. I know I can't live in the past. You taught me that. But everything that happened is part of me and I have to get to know myself better. Hopes aside, I don't actually expect to hear back from you. That's okay. I'm happy to know that you've out there somewhere.

But I'll always remember You're only an ocean away. Only an ocean away.

So, I miss you and I hope you're well and am wishing that all of your dreams have come true.

A hug and a kiss,

Duo

(1) A reference to Solo.