Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Love Letters and Hate Mail ❯ Deliver Me ( Chapter 8 )

Disclaimers: Don't own the Gundam boys and I have no money. "Deliver Me" belongs to Jon and Helena Marsh and Sarah Brightman and producers and whatnot.

Warnings: songfic, shonen ai, angst/drama

A/N: Finally a word from Quatre again. In the letter, an asterisk will mark the words burning doll. This is a small homemade doll similar to a voodoo doll. You write down regrets or grudges or anything negative that you want to let go of and you sow the paper into the doll. Then you burn the doll, symbolic of you letting go and moving forward. This is the final fic. I hope that you have enjoyed this series. Thank you to all who faithfully read.
blah = lyrics


Deliver Me
By Solanum Dulcamara


Dear Duo,

Have you ever sat under a colony sky vainly wishing for rain in the controlled climate? I have… everyday since I returned to space I've wished for the wild unpredictable weather of earth. I know you don't really know if you believe in God, but have you ever thought that rain is God's tears? Have you ever wished God would cry for you? I must sound crazy.

Deliver me out of my sadness


I got you letter about a month and a half ago. I've needed time… I might still need time… Two years ago, everything in me died. I woke up in an endless nightmare of betrayal. Even though you were with me, I felt so alone. I loved Trowa, but I hated him for not loving me. I hated him because he disappeared into a maze of anonymous faces and left a mess for me to clean up… a mess that had little to do with me. I hated Heero… for using Relena, for hurting you, for running away, and for loving Trowa. I hated you. I'm sorry, but I did. You brought this mess right to my front door. And you loved Heero, you let yourself wither in that one-sided love affair and all I could do was stand back and watch. I hated it. I hated everything. But I mostly hated myself.

Deliver me from all of this madness


I had to let the pain die down. I don't think it'll ever go away, but it's become dull, obtuse, simply part of the way I perceive life… it's very dark, Duo.

I'm sure yours is too. We're both trapped in these self-imposed prisons.

You need to take better care of yourself. I can't believe I just wrote that. I abandoned you to run away and ripen my misery. I'm a wreck. If it weren't for family funds I'd probably be rotting in a street… or an asylum. I can't hold a job. I can't talk to my sisters. Mostly, I just hide in my apartment willing the world outside to disappear. I'm taking a lot of medications… you know, anti-depressants, chemical balancers, sleep aids… a week before I got you letter, I took a few too many doses. Iria found me and induced vomiting. She's finally relinquished her watch on me. But I've been scared since then… scared of myself. Like you.

Deliver me courage to guide me


I've wanted to talk to you… I was just afraid. I don't know why or of what. But I got your letter and I cried. I haven't cried in two years. I couldn't reach out to you, but you found me. I need you right now.

Deliver me strength from inside me


The past year I've concentrated on the darkness, letting it consume me. It's settled in and I've accepted it, but when I read you letter, I remembered so many things: Laughter, silliness, worry, joy, tears, pain, love… I miss you.

All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.
Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.


You wrote about how much I'd done for you, but you left out the things you did for me. You taught me about how chocolate ice cream is the best cure for a bad mood. You took the time to need me when no one else ever did. You lived with me, learned about me, accepted me, irritated me, made me laugh. You've given your time and dedication and emotion to me.

Deliver me loving and caring


When you first moved in you were scared to leave the house. You learned to cook because you said you had to earn your keep. Remember the burnt curry? Our kitchen reeked for days. Our kitchen…

I was surprised when you got the job at the coffee shop. I had gotten pretty used to you being home all the time. But I think the job suits you, and they give you a place to display your work. You're still going to teach me to paint, right?

Deliver me giving and sharing

Yesterday, while I was wishing for rain, I thought about the time you made me dance in a storm. You said it's better than a shower because it helps wash away the dirt you can't see. I didn't understand at the time.

Deliver me the cross that I'm bearing


I know I ran away. I was being selfish and I'm sorry. The truth is that a year ago, I didn't really know what I wanted.

All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.


I thought that if I left, I could start over. I thought I'd leave everything behind me: the pain, the memories. I was wrong. The pain from two years ago has subsided, but I remember… I remember life with you and it hurts. I miss you.


Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.


Before I left, I thought I understood sorrow and loneliness. I didn't understand emptiness until I came here.

Deliver me


Sometimes I wake up at night expecting to find that you've crawled into my bed. Hoping to feel your comforting presence.

Deliver me

Wishing I could reach through the darkness and touch you.

Deliver me

I've spent a lot of time hurting. I finally understand that it's time to heal. And it took me awhile to recognize the best balm for my wounds: you.

All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wishing there was someone just like you.


I thought I was broken, but now I want to be fixed, I want to be whole. I need your help. I need you.


Now that you're here, now that I've found you,
I know that you're the one to pull me through.

Remember the burning dolls Jenna told you about? I think we should do that.

Deliver me

Part of me doesn't remember how to live. I'm lost. I figure that you're about the same. Maybe we could find our way together.

Deliver me

I miss you and I need you. I've fallen apart without you.

Won't you deliver me


I want to come home and I want to take care of you and if you'll let me, I want to love you… I do love you. I'm coming home.

Affectionately Yours,
Quatre

P.S. You ARE beautiful.