Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Ma Petite Mort ❯ Chapter 7

Ma Petite Mort / Naomi - part 7

O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O

Two hundred and fifty people were dead. Was it his fault? Should he have fought harder? Would it have made a difference? All he could do was give them less than a handful of hours. There wasn't much oxygen to begin with. Then why the guilt? Did he deserve it? Was he to blame? If not, then why couldn't he stop blaming himself? It didn't matter now, it was over. The dead could not be brought back to life. He was still alive, though. He should be grateful and move on.

Duo... he needed to see him. Badly. Would Duo blame him for what had happened at the shuttle? Would he care? Or was he angry with him regardless of the shuttle incident? He had every right to be.

There were many reasons for Duo to be mad at him. It started with the simple things, so many of them, all of which Heero chose to ignore. Like the smile on Duo's face when he finally said the boy's name.

`Whaddya know,' Duo had muttered with an amused smile, `He remembered my name after all...'

Of course he had remembered it. Heero forgot nothing.

Like the time when Duo placed his hand on his shoulder after a basketball match at school. It was the very first time anyone had ever touched him with no reason at all. Just a casual touch that didn't ask for anything. It didn't hurt. In fact, it felt warm. A sense of warmth that Heero found hard to forget.

Perhaps that's when it really started. All those little things Heero chose to ignore. Making his own decisions was a seldom event and he had been determined to stick with it. The choice to ignore Duo was a part of it. Besides, there were more urgent things to do than make connection with a fellow human being. He had lived his entire life without such connections, he could do without them.

But there were so many little things... too many for him to ignore. Duo's utter devotion to him, his persistent pursuit for friendship. His belief in him... Heero could never understand where it came from so he pushed Duo away. He ignored him whenever he could and still, Duo cared... He always cared.

`I've come to say goodbye,' was what he had said the night before the battle in Siberia, where Heero self-detonated his Gundam. Duo leaned on the doorframe of their room, the light from the hallway falling over his profile. His gaze was grim and his voice bitter. `I have a bad feeling about this. OZ' transport plan is a good one for a change. We'll lose if we won't have our own plan this time.'

Duo cared enough to come and tell him that. His words might have been about the mission but his eyes were talking about something else, more personal. `Be careful' was what he was trying to say. Heero could hear the message loud and clear but he did not understand the reason behind it. No one ever cared for him before... not like that.

No one ever believed in him like Duo had.

`Just in time,' he had said when Heero walked into his prison cell, pointing a gun to his head. `If I'm gonna die then being killed by you is the way ta go.' His eyes shone eerily in the dark. They were all Heero could see, gleaming in the darkness of the cell. So full of emotion. So alive. So... Duo's.

`Hey, you're gonna do it, right?'

He couldn't. He could never take the life away from Duo's eyes. The same eyes that were always so kind to him, always looked at him with care. Duo's eyes were the only ones who saw behind his soldier pretense. It scared him.

`How about being a little kinder to me once in a while?' Duo had joked at the hospital where Heero admitted him to after his prison ordeal. Those words rang true in regard to everything Heero had said or done to Duo. He never returned Duo's kindness and his offer of friendship. He didn't know how.

Pushing Duo away was like a bad habit. It was his answer to everything the other pilot did in order to appeal to his human side. Heero didn't know the person Duo was trying so hard to find in him. In his eyes it was better to push Duo away before he'd stumble upon a person he really didn't want to know. It hurt Duo, he could read it in his eyes, and yet, he persisted.

When the war was over they stayed together for reasons Heero still could not fathom. He didn't ask him to, but Duo still followed. They moved from one town to another, one colony to the next, from one boarding school to another, never settling down for more than a month. The peace was still fragile and Heero was always trying to track down the next war.

Duo said he wouldn't be bothered with it anymore. He tried to convince Heero to do the same; he wanted him to start living. Duo accused him of wishing to remain stuck in the past, searching for another reason to fight. Heero pushed him away, violently.

And then Duo brought Ashley Morganat to their room. Heero listened to them have sex as he laid in the perfect position to let Duo's knife stab him in the back. Back then he didn't know why he felt as though he was being stabbed. Now, it was all too clear.

He cared. He cared so much that it hurt.

`I'm not coming back, Heero,' Duo declared the night he went to ship the Gundams into the sun along with Quatre, `I'm sick of this shit. I'll come back for my stuff later, but then I'm outta here.'

Duo really would have left if not for Mariemea's mutiny against the Earth Sphere Alliance. Heero was certain of it. The fact that he had woken up to a lonely hospital room was enough to support that assessment. He had pushed away the only person who cared about him. No wonder Duo was mad.

Slowly, Heero opened his eyes and gazed solemnly at the ceiling. If only he could see him; if only he could have the chance to let Duo know. He wanted out of his restraints. He had been chained for most of his life. Chained to his duty, shackled by his training, guilt and self-loathing. He wanted out. Surviving the wars and the hellish shuttle trip was not enough. He wanted to live! Really live, unlike the life Adele had showed him. Duo could show him so much more... he needed to see it. He needed to see him. Now.

Despair filled him and he released it with a long sigh, turning his head aside. His gaze shifted from the ceiling towards the window, aching to see the outside of his prison. However someone was blocking his view. A guard, probably.

Whoever it was he was sitting on the chair Davis had occupied before, reading a newspaper that hid his face from view. `UNITED INTERSTELLAR FLIGHT RENDEVOUS DEATH IN LUNAR ORBIT', read the title. The man - Heero decided by his heavy military boots - was wearing a dark-blue jumper with an OCSR badge and a sergeant rank on his right arm.

What was OCSR doing in his room instead of Preventer? Were they going to question him too? Guilt flooded him again. He couldn't help but feel responsible for the death of all those people. Another burden that lay heavily on his weary shoulders. As if he didn't have enough to begin with.

The sergeant behind the newspaper sighed deeply and turned the page. Heero watched him silently, unhurried to let the man know that he was awake. Although, he was incredibly thirsty. He shifted his gaze to the table by the bed, searching for water. What he found was a paper cup full of steaming black coffee, and an open bag of tortilla chips. Barbeque flavored.

He frowned. The snack had been there before... hadn't it? But then it disappeared when Davis came in... and now it was back again. Why?

Rustling sounds of paper drew Heero's attention back to the figure on the chair. He watched the man reach from behind his newspaper towards the tortilla snack. As he leaned forward, the top of the newspaper folded in, exposing the man's face. Duo's face; with his long chestnut braid hanging over his left shoulder. It slumped to the floor as he leaned towards the snack, swinging from side to side.

Heero gaped silently as Duo threw a tortilla chip into his mouth. When he turned back to the newspaper their eyes met and he stopped, dead still. A second later, he smiled.

“Well! Good morning.” He let out casually, folding the newspaper in slowly, like a man reading over breakfast.

“Duo...” Was all Heero could say, staring dumbly at the young man before him.

“Hey there, Heero.” Duo greeted again, his smile unwavering yet somewhat... forged. He put the paper aside and rested both arms on his thighs, bending forward. He studied Heero for a long minute before he leaned back into his seat, shaking his head in mock-disappointment.

“Doesn't this stir up some old memories? I think we've been here before...”

He was speaking of their escape from the Alliance Base Hospital, but Heero was too overwhelmed to acknowledge. His eyes slowly shifted to stare at the badge on Duo's right arm, then back to his face.

“You're... OCSR?”

“Yeah...” Duo answered nonchalantly, tapping on his badge, “whaddya know.”

Heero still could not shake the numb feeling from his face. “Are you here to let me out?”

Duo looked as though he was about to chuckle. He pretended to think about it for a moment before smiling cockily. “Umm... I don't think so. That would sort of get me fired.”

Heero blinked, confused. “Then you really are..?”

“Sergeant Maxwell, at your service.” He gave Heero a mock salute, grinning sarcastically.

Heero looked away, unbelieving. “You're serious.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Duo muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. He studied Heero disapprovingly. “I gotta tell ya man, it does not look good.”

Heero's mind reeled from the unexpected meeting. All of the things he wanted to tell Duo eluded him somehow. They were still there, he could still feel them, but they were impossible to put into words. It frustrated him to no end. Duo's arrogant attitude didn't help either.

“They're gonna press some serious charges.” Duo continued, his tone serious, less boastful than before.

“I didn't do anything.” Heero mumbled, his gaze at the ceiling, “They can't prosecute me.”

“Not from what I hear. Ya have a real talent for being at the wrong place at the wrong time, man.”

“I was only trying to help...”

“I know.” Duo murmured sincerely, and shook his head. “Those jerks won't listen. They wanna blame it on someone, yanno?”

Heero remained silent, studying the stains on the ceiling. He didn't want to talk about his current situation. It was not what he came there to do.

“Why won't ya break outta here?” Duo suggested matter-of-factly, almost mockingly.

“Because it wouldn't look too good.” Heero growled as a response, knowing that Duo was taunting him. Again. He deserved it. Duo had every right to by angry with him. He had been so ignorant... to everything.

Duo chuckled. “Good point.”

Silence fell again. Heero could almost feel the chasm stretch between them. Duo was merely a few inches away, but he could not reach him. There was a barrier between them. He needed to find a bridge... he had to tell him... everything. Before he lost his nerve.

“So what were you doing on that shuttle?” Duo finally asked, looking questioningly at Heero. His eyes shone with a dim, calm glimmer, as if silently expecting disappointment.

Slowly, Heero turned to face Duo. “I was on my way to see you.” He said, as simply as that. He could tell that Duo was surprised.

“See me? Why?” he asked, straightening up, “Is there another war coming?”

That hurt, but he deserved it. He deserved anything Duo would throw at him.

“No. Not that I know of,” he said quietly, holding Duo's gaze with his. Duo shifted in his chair, uncomfortable. It was a good sign.

“Why then?” he challenged, raising his chin insolently, “Whaddya need me for?”

“There was something I had to tell you.” The words were heavy on his lips, falling loudly to the floor. Though once they were finally out he felt lighter. Like he was doing the right thing.

“Okay,” Duo nodded slowly, “I'm listening.”

And yet, he hesitated. The words were at the tip of his tongue but refused to come out. Silence hung heavily in the air. Tense, hot, frustrating. Heero took a deep breath and once again realized that he was chewing his bottom lip. A stupid nervous habit! He stopped, shaking his head, trying to get back his bearings.

Finally he turned back to Duo and pinned his gaze with his. For a long moment he simply looked into Duo's eyes, trying to find the soft shine he knew so well. It was hidden behind the cold, hard barrier Duo had erected. When he found a breach, finally seeing into the eyes he'd missed so much, Heero found the words he needed.

“I didn't want you to bring Ashley Morganat into our room that night.”

Duo stared, stunned, seeming unable to process the words. It took him a moment to realize that Heero was serious. He started laughing.

“You flew three-hundred thousand miles, nearly dying on the way, to tell me that?!”

“Yes.” Heero replied calmly.

His answer provoked another series of cynical giggles. “I gotta hand it to ya, Heero, yer really somethin'!”

Despite Duo's laughter, Heero's eyes remained grimly serious. “I'm sorry that it took me so long to say that.”

“A year,” Duo muttered, infuriated now that his laughter was forgotten. “One fucking year, Heero.”

“I'm sorry.” Was all he could say. There was more, much more, but he saved it for later.

Silence. Heero watched Duo sit quietly in his chair, staring at the floor. Had he nothing to say? Did he no longer care? Was he still angry?

Of course he was.

“Why did you bring her to our room, Duo?” He dared to ask, his words careful and slow.

Duo looked up again and gave him a sly grin. A fake one. “I wanted ta fuck her.”

“Yes, but why there, with me?” It was an answer he was dying to know. He felt as though his entire future depended on it.

Duo, however, seemed reluctant to give it. He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest again, as if keeping something from coming out.

“Heero, man, I would have loved having this conversation with ya a year ago.” he confessed bitterly, “Man, I even expected us to have this little chat back then. But that was then.” He added sadly and stood up.

“I'm sorry pal, but yer about one year too late.” He admitted and turned towards the door.

“Duo, wait.” Heero called after him, trying to rise even though he couldn't. “Wait, please.” There was so much more... so much more he wanted to say!

Duo stopped by the door and slowly turned around. He gave Heero a long, miserable look, and then shrugged helplessly. He left the room without another word.

Heero slumped back to the bed, unable to believe what had just happened. He stared numbly at the closed door and cursed. He failed again! He had failed both Duo, and himself.

It was another weight to carry along with the newly added two hundred and fifty souls. Suddenly, he was so tired... his shoulders throbbed with imaginary pain.

“I need a drink...” He muttered to himself and turned away from the door. Closing his eyes, he begged sleep to come and take away the pain from his aching shoulders.

 

It was hours later, when the colony lights dimmed into a fake dusk, that the door to Heero's room opened again. He turned a pair of silent blue eyes and watched the person walk into the room. Once he noticed that it was not Duo, Heero looked away from the door, uninterested. It was a young Preventer sentry who walked in with a food tray. Heero eyed him indifferently as he placed the tray on the table.

The guard turned to face him and Heero looked away. Although incredibly hungry, he did not wish to be fed. However instead of feeding him, the guard reached to unfasten the restraints.

Heero turned to look at him, confused. Preventer couldn't be so stupid to let an ex-Gundam pilot loose like that. There must be regulations against that... right?

“Are you going to let me eat by myself?” He asked as the young guard reached over him, to the second set of restraints.

The sentry shook his head. “No, sir, we're letting you go.” He said and pulled back. “You're free to eat first, if you want.” He added and gestured at the food tray.

From the bed, Heero gaped. “You're what?” All escape plans, and the regret for possibly harming the young man, vanished from his mind. “You're letting me go? Just like that?”

“It was Director Lady Une's orders,” The man muttered, “Apparently someone bypassed regular channels and made a call. Davis is pissed.”

Heero frowned at the amount of volunteered information. It was almost as if someone wanted him to know that...

“I've also been instructed to tell you that if you ever get into trouble again, Lady Une won't let you off the hook so easily.”

“Who told you to say that? Was he OCSR? Sergeant Maxwell?”

The guard did not answer and walked to the door. “You can retrieve your belongings at the reception. They'll call you a cab if you want.”

Again the thing with the cab! Just like when he was released from the hospital in Brussels. How annoying!

“No thank you, that won't be necessary.” Heero muttered and slowly sat up. He rubbed his aching wrists.

“Very well, sir.” The guard nodded curtly and left the room, closing the door behind him.

Once again Heero was free to go. The question was... no. There was no question about it. He would go wherever Duo was. They haven't finished their conversation yet.

 

He made a displeased face as the woman at the reception handed him his clothes, the same cheap, shabby garments he bought in Brussels. The woman also handed him a cab fare, the only money he now possessed, and he took it reluctantly. After dressing, Heero finally left the building. At long last, he was walking into the steets of L2-V08744.

Preventer Headquarters was located at the center of the colony, in a crowded urban district full metal and cement. L2-V08744 was not very appealing to the eye. It was old and neglected, much like the slums Adele lived in. He was used to the sight of cracked roads and broken pavements. Rundown buildings, some tall enough to be called a skyscraper, towered over gray streets. Heavy traffic polluted the air with both noise and smoke. The air was thin, grimy and sour. It seemed that the colony was still struggling to recover from the long war.

Heero walked down the steps leading out of Preventer HQ and looked around. Street lamps flickered on to counter the darkness, casting a dim blue hue on the pavements. The sight made Heero recall the night he had spent in the park before Adele took him in. Was he to spend another night out in the cold?

But when he looked up he saw, much to his surprise, that OCSR Headquarters was just across the street. In less than a second he was standing at the bottom of the stairs leading into the building. Most of the lights in the offices were off. The building was dark, except for a few rooms, and the doors were closed.

With a tired sigh Heero slumped to the stairs and sat down resignedly. It seemed that he had no other choice but to wait for Duo to come back in the morning. He would be spending the night on the streets after all.

Much like any other homeless, Heero settled on the stony steps, hands in his pockets as he scanned the dark streets. His eyes gazed into an empty alleyway as he sarcastically wondered about the quality of L2's prostitution populace. He played with the twenty-dollar bill in his pocket, smirking at his own expense. He didn't even have enough for a fifty-dollar whore...

Chuckling at his own private joke, he leaned against the stone banister. Perhaps he should find a bar and spend his money there. What else was there to do at night while waiting for disappointment?

Again he chuckled, more like snorted and leaned his head back to stare at the so-called `heavens'.

“Ne vous inquiétez pas Adele, vous n'ont pas gagné encore.” (= Don't worry Adele, you haven't won yet) He muttered, imagining her laugh at his words. After all, their bet was still on and he was not going to fall back into his drinking habit. No matter how much his tongue ached for the bitter sting of liquor. Blissful ignorance.

He sighed, looking numbly at the metal `sky'. The only reason he was sitting miserably on those steps was because of his ignorance. It would be careless of him to make the same mistake twice.

One by one the lights in the OCSR building turned off. Minutes later a few cars pulled out of the underground parking lot, blinding him with their strong headlights as they passed. He closed his eyes and turned away from the road, away from the drivers who cast curious glances his way. It wasn't everyday that a homeless, nameless, futureless person came to sleep on the steps of the Outer Colony Search & Rescue building. As if L2 lacked any homeless shelters...

Perhaps if he will sleep time would go by faster. He curled on the stairs, struggling to find a comfortable position.

Another car rolled by the building, driving slowly. Heero's could feel the driver's eyes on his back. Annoyed by the staring, Heero waited anxiously for the car to drive off. It didn't. Instead, it came to a full stop, breaks screeching silently.

Frowning, Heero sat up and turned to face the car. The window at the passenger side rolled down, exposing the driver's face as he leaned forward. Duo's harsh eyes were on him again.

“Yer still here.” He stated coldly, only mildly surprised.

“Yes.” Heero replied, slowly rising up.

“No shit,” Duo muttered and shook his head, “Fucking unbelievable...”

Heero didn't dare to approach the vehicle. He stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked quietly at Duo. The young man bowed his head and rubbed the bridge of his nose, as if forcing his brain to think. Heero had seen him do that during the wars. It was something Duo did often when he was tired and facing a dilemma.

“Oh man...” he mumbled, sighing before he looked up at Heero, “C'mon... hop in.” He muttered resignedly and reached to unlock the passenger door. “I guess I'm through with being a jerk for the day.”

Heero hesitated before moving. Duo straightened back in his seat, hands on the steering wheel, eyes forwards as he waited. He walked up to the car and looked down the window. His cobalt eyes narrowed in suspicion as he studied Duo's harsh profile.

“Were you testing me?” He asked calmly, though his eyes burnt with suppressed anger. And hurt. A lot of it.

Duo's fingers tapped restlessly on the steering wheel. He tore his gaze off the windshield and turned to glare at Heero. “Yer getting in or what?”

Heero didn't doubt that if he stood outside for a second longer, Duo would drive off. In one swift movement he yanked the door open and threw himself into the passenger seat.

“Thank you.” He whispered, unable to look Duo in the eye.

“Sure, why not.” Was the curt reply as Duo kicked the car into gear and sped off into the night.

 

They arrived at Duo's place twenty-five minutes later. Heero didn't dare to say a word during the entire ride. Duo exited the car in silence and slammed the door behind him. Heero hurried to follow.

Duo's apartment was just about what Heero had expected. Nothing fancy, but comfortable enough to live in. The design was modern, simple and efficient, however cold. Shades of white, gray, black and blue decorated the furniture and walls. It was not as messy as he had expected - so used to Duo's hectic lifestyle when they shared dorms - but it looked lived-in. Duo seemed to have settled down rather well. The observation pinched Heero's heart. He felt left out, but with good reason.

Sighing, Duo dropped his keys on a counter by the door and strode towards the kitchen. Heero remained standing by the door, hesitant to follow. He felt like an unwanted intruder, which he never expected to feel in Duo's company. Things were not going as well as he had planned. Then again, what did he expect? Duo running towards him, grinning like a maniac before pulling him into a hug? That was too much of an exaggeration. He had done nothing to deserve such treatment.

“Hungry?” Duo asked, opening the freezer door.

“Not really,” Heero lied even though he was starved. He didn't touch the food given to him at the Preventer Medical Ward, but he didn't want to impose on Duo any further.

“Eat anyway.” Duo decided and pulled two TV-dinners out of the freezer. He shoved them into the microwave oven and slammed the door shut. Heero watched him punch the timer keys hurriedly. Duo didn't turn to look at him once since they entered the apartment. In fact, their eyes haven't met since he had entered Duo's car.

“I can leave if you want.” Heero suggested, feeling a déjà vu from his first morning in Adele's apartment. After he lost his virginity to her. If only things could go so well with Duo... but as it seemed, Duo was beyond his reach for the moment. He could only hope that the ice would melt soon and he will be able to reach Duo. He began his approach by carefully stepping into the kitchen.

“Don't be stupid,” Duo replied with an irritated sigh, “I'm not that much of a bastard to let you sleep on the streets.” He added and pulled himself a chair by the kitchen table.

Although reluctant, Heero joined him at the table. They sat in silence, staring at anything but each other, until the microwave beeped. Duo got up to retrieve their dinners and then threw them to the table. Heero could tell that he was doing his best to show how much he distasted the situation. It made the words he wanted to say barricade in his mind, hiding and refusing to come out. Why must Duo make it so difficult?

“Thank you for helping me out.” Heero finally said, lifting his eyes from his meal to look at Duo.

His ex-comrade, former friend, or whichever definition fitted Duo at the moment, took a forkful of his meal and stuffed it in his mouth. “Une would have found out sooner or later,” he muttered with his mouth full, “I only quickened the process.”

Heero smiled, amused by the way Duo still spoke with his mouth full. It reminded him of Adele in a way, though she did it just to be obnoxious. Duo was simply too impatient to wait for after he swallowed.

Before long Duo had devoured his meal. Without a word he got up and threw the tray to the trash. Heero looked up from his own meal, surprised to see Duo about to exit the kitchen.

“I'm going to bed.” he declared, his eyes still avoiding Heero's, “Ya can have the couch. G'dnight.”

Confused, Heero threw a glance at the time display on the microwave. It was only eight PM.

“Already?” He turned back to Duo and asked, trying to sound as he felt- neglected.

“Yeah, Heero. I just spent the last twenty-four hours sorting body bags. I'm nauseous and tired. Goodnight.”

“I thought we might be able to talk first,” Heero said hopefully, rising from his seat, “I promise that it won't take long.”

Duo sighed tiredly and finally turned to face him. His violet-blue eyes were hidden behind a cold barrier again. They were impossible to reach.

“I'm sorry, Heero, but I really don't feel like talking to you right now.” He explained quietly, giving Heero a taste of his own medicine. A bitter taste.

Seated alone by the kitchen table Heero watched Duo retire to his bedroom. The apartment fell into a deep, lonely silence. His first, second, and third attempts at a conversation with Duo turned to be a total failure.

O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O

To be continued...

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