Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Ma Petite Mort ❯ Chapter 11

Ma Petite Mort / Naomi - part 11

O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O

The lock opened with a silent click and Duo stepped into the apartment, white as a ghost.

Heero's breath caught in his throat. He stared, tearful, at the door.

Duo didn't seem to notice him, kneeling by the sofa, and dropepd his keys on the counter by the door. The sound echoed like a gunshot in the dark.

Weary indigo eyes looked up when Heero stood, watching silently.

Heero's tears dried quickly, leaving no trace in his intense blue eyes. Instead came the unbearable urge to hold Duo. However the solemn air around the longhaired teen kept him rooted to the spot. Duo's features were blank, shell-shocked.

“My shift got canceled,” he whispered at last, casting his gaze to the floor, “Mitch said he didn't need me to cover for him no more.”

Heero swallowed, hard. Duo's words were heavy with guilt; they resonated straight into his heart.

“Duo...” He whispered, searching for words when there were none.

Violet-blue eyes gazed at him; angry, aching, wounded.

“I told him that I didn't mind... that he could go home, but he insisted.”

“It's not your fault.” Hollow words, meaningless. He would have been angry with anyone for speaking those same words at him.

Duo seemed too numb to care.

“It was my shift,” he whispered, broken, “I was supposed to be there...”

Heero watched helplessly as Duo moved towards the sofa. His steps were shaky, tired, as if undeserving to walk among the living. It pained Heero, more than any pain he had ever known.

Stiffly, Duo settled at the edge of the sofa. He sat upright, tense, hands over keens and his gazed fixed somewhere between the television and the wall. Newscasts flickered on the screen, washing Duo's face with a cold white glow.

“I'm glad it wasn't you.” Heero whispered and carefully sat next to Duo.

There was no reaction from the other teen so he moved closer, their thighs touching.

“I know it's selfish, but I'm glad...”

“I hate my job.” Duo stated suddenly, voice numb, “I hate it so much...”

Tears shone in Duo's eyes. They did not pour, only gathered at the corners; Heero's heart crumbled at the sight.

“I hate my life,” Duo continued, caught in a bitter trance, “I hate me! I even hate myself for hating me...”

He reached an angry hand to wipe away the tears. Heero sat silently and listened, offering comfort in the only way he felt that mattered - by being there.

“I could've died today... but when I realized that I... I didn't even care.”

“Duo... don't say that... please.”

“Everything was fine until you showed up,” Duo's eyes hardened with familiar anger, “I could ignore everything, yanno?”

At those words Heero finally moved. He reached two ignorant hands towards Duo, and, leaning forward, pulled the young man into a hug. His hands were strangers to both love and comfort, lacking the skill to convey those complicated emotions. All he knew was that he wanted Duo in his arms. He wanted to offer all of his warmth to the other young man. To offer his strength, his heart, his everything, to Duo.

Duo tensed at the contact before he shuddered and gave in to Heero's touch. Gradually, he relaxed, and leaned into the embrace. Heero pulled him closer. He placed his head on Duo's chest, slowly. The troubled teen quivered, struggling with himself.

For a long while they remained unmoving, searching for comfort in their first embrace. Duo slumped his head against Heero's shoulder, body curling towards the other teen. His body trembled with a deep breath, struggling as he moved his arms to hold Heero. Timidly, he returned the hug, crushing Heero's to his chest.

Heero remained silent, listening to Duo's slow heartbeat. He closed his eyes and mentally poured all of his warmth, his love, his life, into Duo, trying to give him the strength he needed.

“I don't want you to die,” he whispered longingly, “I will be lost without you...”

“I can't help you, Heero.” Duo mumbled against his shoulder, “I can't even help myself...”

“Then don't. Don't do anything... I won't ask you to. Just... be with me.”

He felt Duo sigh, his chest faltering beneath his head.

“I spent a year proving to myself that I don't need you in my life.”

A sad shine appeared in Heero's blue eyes. “I did the same, but I feel different now.”

“What would you do if I told you I'm not interested?”

“I don't know,” Heero admitted, his arms tightening around Duo almost desperately, “Deep down I'm hoping that you won't say that.”

Duo chuckled bitterly; the movements of the forced laugh jolting Heero slightly.

“Gosh, Heero, I feel so screwed up...”

Heero pulled away from the embrace, slowly, and turned to look into Duo's eyes. For a moment he was lost in the darkness of their depths, before he reached a hand and, carefully, caressed Duo's cheek. His cobalt eyes shimmered with sadness and sympathy, a helpless, childlike smile hovering over his lips.

“There is nothing wrong with us, Duo,” he whispered, stroking Duo's tender cheek, “We are what this world has shaped us into, and for once, we have the opportunity to change; to be who we really are.”

There was a wary, doubtful look in Duo's eyes.

“We won't lose if we have each other.” Heero promised, gaze intense. For the longest time the two searched the other's eyes for any sign of hope. Emotions bubbled beneath the surface, aching to leak out.

“Is this the part when we're supposed ta kiss?”

“No,” Heero replied calmly, “This is when you decide whether you trust me or not.”

Duo sighed heavily and looked away. He stared at the television, which still displayed the tragic news.

“Would you have done something if it was me out there?”

“I think the answer is obvious,” Heero whispered harshly.

Duo turned to face him, a challenge in his eyes. “Would you kill for me?”

“If I had to,” Heero answered, slowly, “Though I'd rather not.”

“Would you die?”

The question should have been easy to answer, but he hesitated, taking his time to look into Duo's defying eyes.

“...only in your arms.” He finally said, leaning closer to Duo, so close that their bodies pressed against each other. He ignored the wary look Duo sent him as he leaned to whisper in his ear.

“...you are the only death I wish for myself.”

“Is this supposed to be a joke?”

“No,” he placed a hand over Duo's, “It's a simple truth. I found that there are better ways to die than to lose your life.”

“You mean sex.”

“That, and more.”

“How much more?”

“...love.”

Duo turned to face him, features hard. “Do you love me?”

Heero nodded, silent.

“Do you think I love you?”

Heero didn't answer, he kissed Duo.

Their first kiss was bitter; it tasted of fear, distrust and uncertainty. A clumsy, passionless kiss. Lips brushed awkwardly; careful, timid, afraid. It was a test more than a kiss, a challenge they both had to face in order to breach the remaining barriers. When it became too uncomfortable, they pulled back, looking away guiltily.

Neither spoke. Heero held his breath; a heavy, suffocating feeling in his chest. It was not regret, nor disappointment. It was fear. He feared Duo's reaction.

“I'm sorry,” Duo mumbled, his gaze at the floor, “You must've had better.”

It was not what Heero expected to hear. If anything, it should have been the other way around.

“No, I haven't.” He finally said, voice firm. Adele's kisses had been lustful, hot, but not nearly as meaningful as his first kiss with Duo.

Duo snorted, doubtful. He stood up, ready to leave.

“I'm gonna call it a night.”

Heero caught his wrist before Duo took one step forward. “Don't shut yourself from me. Not tonight.”

Time stood still and Duo remained motionless, allowing Heero to bind his wrist. He seemed thoughtful, lost someplace dark. Eventually he sighed, letting his head drop in defeat.

“I run and I hide, Heero,” he whispered sorrowfully, “That's what I do.”

With those words he walked away, letting Heero's hand drop limply when released. He retreated to his bedroom.

Heero allowed him ten minutes of sanctuary before he followed.

The bedroom was dark and the only illumination was a weak glow that poured through the doorway. Heero stood as a silhouette against the light, watching Duo's figure on the bed.

He closed the door, slowly, and it creaked. Duo stirred but did not turn to face him.

Walking into the room, Heero shed his shirt to the floor. He walked around the queen-sized bed, to the side Duo was facing. The longhaired teen lay on his side, curled into a ball. His eyes were open, shining with the weak light from the window.

Heero stood shirtless by the bed and looked at Duo's dark features. Violet eyes gazed silently as he slid out of his sweatpants. He let them fall to the floor and stood bear in front of Duo, wearing nothing but pair of old boxer shorts. Standing against the window he must have appeared as a shadow to Duo, who studied him mutely.

The mattress creaked as Heero lay down on the bed, lifting the covers, purposely invading Duo's personal space. Duo remained still, watching.

Sheets rustled as Heero turned, the mattress yielding under his weight. He lay on his side, face to face with the young man he loved. He studied Duo, just as the other studied him, and noted that he was tense, his shoulders trembling with strain.

He inched closer to Duo and drew him into a warm embrace. Duo did not pull away, in fact, he moved closer.

Heero leaned his head on top of Duo's and inhaled the scent of his hair.

“If you run and hide then I'll simply have to chase you.”

Duo turned his head to look at Heero, eyes gleaming with a hidden smile. They kissed again; more leisurely this time, taking the time to taste, explore, to reach for the other with a touch of a tongue. Sheets tangled as they shifted, deepening the kiss. Arms rose to hug, to hold and caress. Silent panting filled the room, feathery breaths against warm skin.

A small moan rose to Heero's throat, low and deep. He poured it into Duo's mouth and felt arms tighten around him, desperate for contact. The kiss became rough, fueled with passion. The mattress creaked as Duo maneuvered himself above Heero, sucking and licking with an eager mouth.

Sounds of passion filled the room. The kiss became fiercer, a weapon driven by helpless lust. Fervent bodies moved together, struggling, trying to break through the barricade of fear and uncertainty. They did not part until satisfied, until the last barrier fell. When it did, they both felt it, bodies trembling with the aftermath of the fall. The sensation was more powerful than sex, more profound than words. It was a kiss that broke a curse, a fairytale only they shared.

Breathless, Heero turned to lie on his back. Duo rolled to lie on side, resting his head on Heero's chest. He wrapped an arm around Duo's waist, pulling him closer, like a shield. He felt Duo's arm slide underneath the covers and rest on his hip. The sensation was pleasantly intimate, warm, but not invasive.

They fell asleep embraced, no words needed.

 

Hours later, Heero awoke to an empty bed. His first reaction was disappointment, before reason kicked in and suggested that Duo might have gone to work, or woke up earlier than he. The memory of their kiss assured him that he had nothing to worry about.

The room was bright, flooded with white daylight that hurt his eyes. He blinked against the light and rolled over, sheets tangling around his mostly nude, feverish, body. The movement made him dizzy, ill. He felt worse than he had two nights ago. Not nauseous, but generally sick. The symptoms were getting worse, but hopefully peaked towards an end.

For minutes long he lay motionless, eyes closed as he tried to calm the flood of illness coursing through him. He listened to the hushed sounds of the apartment; water dripping in the bathroom, feet thumping on the floor above, the distant creaking of furniture. Soft mumbling drifted from the living room, the TV no doubt. Duo was still home?

Heero moved out of bed and slipped into his sweatpants. On the way out of the bedroom he picked his shirt from the floor and threw it on as well.

Duo sat tensely on the sofa, elbows on his knees, hunched forward in concentration. His eyes glared seriously at the television screen, a focused expression on his handsome face. There was an untouched bowl of cereals on the coffee table, soggy cornflakes soaked in milk, and an empty mug of coffee.

On the screen, news reporters delivered the latest news from OCSR Headquarters, regarding the lunar debris belt. Duo listened intently to every word.

Heero wiped the sweat from face and stepped into the living room.

“Aren't you supposed to be at work?” He asked as he settled next to Duo.

The longhaired teen sighed, eyes glued to the screen. “I have an evening shift.”

Heero nodded and turned to the television as well.

“Are they going to send you out there?”

“Maybe.”

“I don't want you to go.”

Duo snorted. “It's not your decision to make, Heero.”

He sighed and cast his gaze to the floor. “I still don't want you to go.”

“It's my job, I haffta do it.”

“You said you hate your job.”

“I also said I hate my life, so?”

“A job is easy to quit.”

Duo let out a short, bitter laugh. “And life isn't?”

Heero turned to glare at him, angry. “Not when it means something to someone.”

Violet eyes gleamed furiously as Duo whirled to glower at him. “Who the fuck do you think you are, telling me this shit? You were ready to kill yourself at any given opportunity!”

Duo's raised voice produced a blistering headache and Heero winced.

“True,” he whispered, slowly, “However that was when I felt my life meant nothing, to anyone. I told you last night, Duo,” he looked deeply into the other's eyes, “I feel different now.”

“Cuz you slept with some damn `ho?!”

“Because I kissed you, and you kissed back.”

Duo sighed and returned his gaze to the television screen. A bitter, dark mist engulfed him and once again the silence erected a barrier between the two young men. Heero refused to be pushed away. They've made progress, at long last, and backing up was not an option he was willing to give Duo, not when he knew that the other teen felt something for him.

“Are you upset because I spent so much time with that woman?”

Duo shrugged, glaring at the screen. “Why should I be? Just because you always brushed me off and then went ahead and slept with some prostitute? It really is none of my business.”

Heero sighed, frustrated. The ill feeling stirred inside him, shifting slowly; a warning for things to come. “You're not going to make this any easier, are you?”

“Why? Because we made out?” Duo snorted, eyes on the TV, “No, I don't think so.”

“Please, Duo,” he took a deep breath, to keep the haze out of his mind, “Try to understand what it was like for me when the war ended.”

Duo turned to face him, anger twisting his face into a harsh, spiteful scowl. “I dun haffta try, Heero, I know. You're not the only one who got totally fucked by this war.”

“Duo, I...” Heero choked, unable to continue. His heart raced and the nausea returned. Coupled with the hurt from Duo's words, he felt himself quiver with sudden weakness.

Why was Duo doing this? Why now? They held each other all through the night! Why now?!

“And that's just your fucking problem, man,” Duo continued harshly, “You still can't see anything beyond yourself. I'm glad that you realized your feelings for me, truly I am, but coming here and kissing it all away... that's not how life works, Heero. Life is shit, and it keeps throwing shit at ya until yer swimming in it. Did you ever wonder why that chick became a whore? Did it occur to you that people might be a little more than what you take them for? I know you're trying, but frankly Heero... I don't know if I can stay around until you finally learn.”

Heero swallowed, hard, his heart swelling with pain. “...learn what?”

Unforgiving violet eyes bore into his very soul, before Duo sighed and turned away.

“There are no shortcuts, Heero. There ain't no manual either. No one's gonna to give you an answer, no one's gonna tell ya what to. You have to find out on your own.”

“And you think you know the answer?” Heero found a voice to ask, although his words faded towards the end, suffocated by a wave of faintness.

“Maybe. I dunno. But whatever I know is good enough for me.”

“So this is it? First you resent me, then you kiss me and now you throw me away?”

“I'm not throwing you away, Heero. I'm simply letting you know that it's not going to be as easy as you thought it would be. Whether you stay or leave... that's up to you.”

His mind reeled. Too much had been said, overloading him with stinging, painful emotions. Feelings of hurt scourged him, flooded him. His body heat rose, feverish with shame, hurt and humiliation. A torrent of emotions soaked his skin with heavy sweat. The room became burning hot, throbbing with the echoes of Duo's harsh words.

“D-do you want me to ss... stay?” He finally stuttered, trembling from the sudden emotional strain. Dizziness attacked him and he fell, plunging into darkness instead of light, cold instead of warmth. Rejection pushed him over the edge, into a cold, all-consuming blackness.

He became so numb that he didn't even feel the crash as he hit the ground, shattering to pieces. Duo's voice echoed from afar, calling his name. He did not want to listen. Closing his eyes, he welcomed unconsciousness.

 

Cool water touched his lips, sliding smoothly down his throat. He could not find the strength to swallow and sputtered to keep from choking. The drops sprayed his neck and chin, sudden coolness against his feverish skin. He ached for more, but his lips were lifeless, unable to speak.

A cloth touched his forehead. Heavy, cold, wet. It slid slowly down the side of his face, wiping away the sweat, taking away the suffocating heat. It moved down, slowly, leaving a cool trial of moister in its path. His skin could finally breathe, a chilly touch of air over his wet face. Heaven.

The cloth continued downwards, carefully wiping his neck, his shoulders, his chest. His torso was naked, he realized at the touch of cool air. He took a deep breath, faltering, and then let out a hoarse cough.

“Heero?” A voice whispered from the darkness, timid and tense. More water was served to his lips and he drank, grateful.

“You gave me quite a scare,” the voice behind the cloth continued, relieved. He heard it soak the cloth in more water, they dripped loudly when the cloth was wringed, and then placed the cool fabric on his skin. He flinched at the sudden coldness, his breath faltering once again. The cloth resumed its wandering over his skin, caressing his arms, torso and neck.

“Your temperature is about a hundred and three,” the voice - Duo, he realized - whispered worriedly, “I think it's gotta be the worse of your symptoms yet.”

The wet cloth slid over his scars, dipping into the crease in his abdomen before it trailed up to his scarred left arm.

For a moment he could not recall how he came to lie in Duo's bed, soaked with sweat and trembling with fever. There was a vague memory of hurt, but images of their kiss won over the distant echoes of Duo's wounding words.

Then he remembered. Duo had offered him a choice: to deal with hardship or escape to ignorance, to endure a difficult relationship or... to be alone.

He struggled to open his eyes and succeeded only halfway. Through half lidded eyes he saw Duo lean over him to place the cloth on his forehead. There was worry on his face and a guilty gleam in his violet eyes.

“You haven't answered my question...” Heero whispered, tired, desperate, his blue eyes bleak as they gazed at Duo.

“Can I... stay?”

Heaving a sigh, Duo turned to him, pulling back slightly. His face was grim as he looked down at Heero and then, all of a sudden, he smiled.

“Of course you can, Heero,” he whispered softly, “I never meant for you to leave. I just wanted ya ta know that I'm not offering a fairytale ending.”

He chuckled. “And I definitely didn't mean for ya to pass out!”

Heero frowned, although in good spirits. He felt better now that he knew Duo's words were not meant to hurt, only to bring him back to reality. Perhaps that was what life was all about - ups and downs. For a moment he felt at the top of the world, Duo in his arms and hope in his heart, and a moment later his heart was crushed with hurt, bleeding with fear of loss and despair.

It was a lesson impossible to learn during his stay with Adele. His emotional scale had been small, ranging from lust to the frustration of not answering it. He had been annoyed, frustrated, content and sated, but never touched to the core of his being. His heart had learned, but not as deeply as it should have. With one swift blow Duo managed to give him his first real lesson about life.

It hurt, but it was enough to make him sober, for good.

He turned his eyes to look up at Duo, a hint of a smile shimmering in his cobalt eyes.

“Thank you,” he whispered and reached a hand towards Duo. He squeezed it tightly. Duo smiled.

“Yer welcome,” he leaned down to press his lips against Heero's. He kissed him softly, just a flicker of lips, before pulling back.

“Get some more sleep, yer gonna need it.” He whispered, eyes shining kindly.

With those words Duo moved away from the bed and walked to the closet. Heero watched him pull out a set of Class A uniforms and then sighed quietly to himself. When Duo went to shower Heero curled on his side and fell asleep, gathering the strength he needed to face a new tomorrow, a new life, and perhaps in time, a new, difficult, lover.

O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O

To be continued...

O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O.O