Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Mistaken Words ❯ The Road to What You Really Want ( Chapter 34 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Mistaken Words

Disclaimer: still don't own Gundam Wing

The Road to What You Really Want

The click of a thick oak door closing behind him had usually been the signal for the end of another day for John. As hard as it could be at times, he tried to put the day behind him at that point, and simply focus on getting the sleep he'd need to make it back to Heero for the next day. But this was different, John dropped back against the door, now feeling the complete weight of the day. He had somehow managed to keep it from truly sinking in, he had done what was necessary, watched over Heero's sleeping form through the night, feeling he needed to be in the room beside the boy to protect him. He had refused to let himself really think about the fact that Heero had been tortured, it had been enough at the moment to simply tend to his wounds. But now there was nothing to stop the thoughts from reeling through his head, Heero had been tortured, brutally controlled by a man who should have cared more for Heero's condition than his hatred.

John was well aware that even now in this time of peace there were men and women alike who's training taught them to break the `enemy' to get information as quickly as possible. He wouldn't mince words, it was torture plain and simple, even if its end goal was knowledge not at the expense of the detainees' life. John could never approve of such tactics but having no say in the matter he tried his best not to think on it. This however was completely different. This horrific act against Heero had pushed him to the edge of the breaking point, from which he had not yet come back. It had effected him much deeper then simply the pain and loss of blood, and John did not even begin to know how to deal with it.

It wasn't even a problem for John picturing his son in Heero's situation, his emotions towards the boy had become very strong. He had often told himself to keep an emotional distance, but that's not what Heero needed right now. He needed to know there was someone there who trusted him, cared and would watch out for him. Even if these were things he couldn't yet admit to himself. John's head dropped back against the door and his eyes fell closed Tortured… he felt the swirling emptiness of shock open out beneath him, making him feel as though he were falling. How did this happen?

“Poppa?” a thickly accented voice broke through his disturbing thoughts, and John forced his eyes opened to look upon his adoptive daughter. Nikki had been orphaned during the war, John and his wife had adopted her as there own, and she had been living happily ever since. She was the spitting image of an Irish woman, and her voice was like music to listen to. “Are you alright?” she asked concern written clearly on her pretty face.

John forced a smile to his face, standing up straight, “Of course,” he told her dropping a reassuring hand on her shoulder, as he made to move past, he knew looking into her eyes he would not be able to fake it. He needed to be away from her innocence, “I'm just tired…” he walked on then feeling her eyes follow his ever step until he rounded a corner.

Breathing a sigh of relief when he closed the door to his room John turned to find his wife sitting by the window knitting as she often did in the early morning. She put it aside the minute he came in a warm welcoming smile gracing her features as she stood to greet him. That peaceful expression was not long lived, as she saw threw what he had shown to Nikki, and realised something was truly wrong. She took hold of his shoulders looking up into his eyes, John didn't want to look into her for fear of what she would see, of the power her eyes might have over him. “John what's wrong?” that was it, all his resistance vanished and he broke down, pulling Merrian against him he hugged her tightly tears streaming down his face in endless rivers.

He didn't hear any questions from her just soothing words, from which he could hear her concern. But there was no stopping it now everything he had kept pent up behind a wall came flooding out, and he wept all the more. Long minutes passed as Merrian continued to try and calm him, her fear over the cause of this sudden breakdown becoming more evident as each second ticked passed. John fought to bring himself back under control he wanted to reassure her as much as he could that he would be okay. Finally he managed it, taking a shaky breath John loosen his hold on his wife and together they slowly walked to the couch Merrian had been knitting in.

“John, what on earth happened?” Merrian asked gently touching one warm hand to his face.

John took a moment to gather himself before looking over to her, Merrian's beautiful face was filled with concern for him. It hurt him that he could not tell her what it really was, it wasn't that he didn't trust his wife, he did, with all his heart. Still he could not be the one to make this decision, to take any risk. Slowly John shook his head, “I'm not permitted to give any details.”

This was nothing new to Merrian, doctor patient privilege kept him from telling her a great deal about the people he tended too. And being a part of a once military organisation added even greater restrictions on what he could and could not say. “Will you be alright?” she asked after several moments.

John forced a smile to his face, “I'll manage…”

“How much longer are they expecting you to do this? You are technically retired you know, there's no reason why you should be kept in this situation when it's affected you so much.” Merrian as supportive as she was did have her limits, and she had not liked this situation from the very beginning.

“I can't do that,” he shook his head unwilling to even consider what that could mean for Heero. “I need to be there, right now there's no one else,” he reached out to lightly touch her face, his small smile no longer forced. He was not so easily able to put aside what had happened, but at least now John felt he might be able to face Heero tomorrow and deal with whatever might come.

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Wufei gripped his left arm lightly as he left his apartment, feeling only a little pain from the gash caused yesterday. His mind still felt clouded by the drugs John had pressed upon him the night before, and he made a mental note to avoid John if ever something like this should happen again. The man was good, there was no two ways about that, and Wufei was inclined to think he liked Sally's methods better, they were at times easier to deflect. It was to her room that he was headed for now. John had gone home for the day, informing Wufei before he left that Heero was still asleep from the sedation the night before. The longer the better, Wufei thought, he didn't want to think about how he would handle going in there for the first time after what happened just yet.

It was still early in the morning so Wufei expected Sally to be awake, but to have not left her room for the business day. Knocking lightly on her door the former pilot waited patiently for her to answer, he wasn't in any rush to get in there and speak to her. As inevitably things were not going to go well for him. Une had wanted a report on his condition, and it would be better for him now to go to Sally than to force her to track him down. Finally the door opened Sally's expression was hard to read as she moved aside to usher him in, “I take it you heard,” he half asked half stated.

Sally simply nodded her head, “I never imagined he'd go so far…” running a hand through her loose hair she looked him over with a casual glance. “Une called me last night, how's…he doing?”

Wufei would have liked to hear Sally actually say Heero's name, but he wasn't going to force her too, she had a lot to contend with. He fully believed with time things would begin to mend. “Lost quite a bit of blood, but that's all been taken care of. The problem we have to deal with now is how this has mentally affected him.” Wufei saw clearly in his mind how Heero had been the night before, that fear in his eyes, “He doesn't want us to be around him anymore.”

She nodded walking slowly deeper into the room, “And you?” she asked arms folding across her chest, eyes looking him over again more closely as though they might actually be able to see through the cloths he wore.

“What all did Une tell you?” he asked back, not comfortable with how quickly this had come up and just how calm Sally was about it.

“Une said Luc came at you with a knife, but you failed to mention where he actually got you…” she was studying him even harder now, it was a gaze Wufei had never liked being under. He always felt exposed, no matter how much was between her eyes and what he was trying to hide. “If I had to venture a guess, I'd say it was your left arm…rather convenient of him not to go for your dominant side wouldn't you say?”

Wufei folded his arms coolly, grateful for the moment that he had taken John's painkillers, and leaned himself against a wall. “Isn't it the smarter move to protect your stronger side?”

“Fair enough,” Sally agreed with a quick nod of her head. “Now let me see it,” there was a sudden change in her demeanor, her expression becoming more serious, her stance preparing for a fight. Though Wufei hated to disappoint, there were other things he needed to focus on today, so he couldn't spend a great deal of time dancing around this subject. Slowly he began to unbutton his shirt slipping the white material from his left arm but leaving it on his right. Sally stepped up to him slowly working away the gauze John had wrapped about the wound last night. Wufei could feel Sally's grip on his forearm begin to tighten as she caught her first glimpse of the actual wound.

She halted in her work to level a hard glare at him, Wufei wasn't entirely sure why Sally took it as a personal insult every time they got injured in the line of duty. “I think you probably could have convinced them while doing less damage…” she told him dryly.

Wufei just shrugged his good shoulder, “A little late for that now don't you think?” she shot him a warning look as she began to rebind it. When she had finished releasing his arm back to him, Wufei slipped it back into his sleeve his hands already working at the buttons. He could feel Sally's eyes on him the entire time, and he briefly glanced up to look her in the eye before continuing, when she suddenly took hold of his jaw. “Wha--” Wufei jerked his head to get out of her grasp.

“Did you take something for the pain?” she demanded suddenly sounding shocked as she continued to peer into his onyx eyes.

Running a hand over his smooth hair Wufei looked away, stepping back to put a little distance between them, “It wasn't really my choice.” He admitted reluctantly, the last thing he wanted was for Sally and John to tag team them, which he could easily see her doing, if the situation wasn't so stressed.

She just nodded there was no real question about what Wufei meant by that, “Does Relena know?” Sally changed the subject suddenly.

“Only that Luc threatened Heero's life and we had to kill him…”Wufei looked away, “I thought it was best that she not know about the torture.”

“You think you'll be able to hide it from her forever?” she didn't sound very convinced.

“No one's going to tell her, and the footage has been coded away, she won't find it,” that's the way Wufei wanted it to stay, he felt pretty sure Relena would have an easier time around Heero if she didn't know. If she wasn't trying to tiptoe around something that Heero didn't even want to think about right now.

“Have you considered what her reaction might be when she does find out?” Sally asked lowering herself down into one of her plush chairs.

Wufei was no fool, he had considered that, and he knew if ever it did happen it would not be a pretty sight. Still it was better than the alternative, he would hopefully be ready to cross that bridge when and if it came. “I'll deal with it if she does,” he told Sally finally.

“Fair enough,” she said with a shrug, and that seemed to be the end of their conversation. This wasn't the Sally he knew and respected, her fire seemed to have left her. As Wufei walked from her apartment, he could only hope that one day it would return to her.

Wufei walked the short distance down the hall to Heero's room, but hesitated outside his friends door. He wondered what he would encounter if Heero was awake, the thought was not really an appealing one. The look on Heero's face was still so clear in his mind, that Wufei opted instead to go to the observation room first and see if Heero was awake. Striding inside the Chinese man dropped himself down in front of the monitors, eyes scanning over the readings before settling on the video image of the room. At first glance it appeared as though Heero were indeed still asleep, but Wufei was aware of just how well Heero could fake it.

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Heero's eyes opened slowly, feeling dry and heavy more so than they should have had he just been simply asleep. His tried mind attempted to remember what had happened that would leave him drugged. The memories didn't take much effort to remember, it was the forgetting that was the trick, and Heero wished he could. Even now he could feel Luc's weight on him holding him in place despite the fact that he couldn't move. His own hand cutting his flesh, it was all burned deeply into his mind, along with the raw emotions he had felt at the time. Heero forced his eyes to remain open, to close them now was to be greeted with the very image he was trying to forget.

The Japanese man found his eyes straying to the door continuously, a spark of fear igniting within him, at the truth that had been driven home all to clearly the day before. He had no control over who came through that door, he had no control over anything. Heero had never been a man to give up without a fight, but at this very moment death was truly beginning to look like the better option. Not just for the reasons he had given to John the night before, but also his anger and frustration was being directed at his friends, he had nowhere else to turn it, and that wasn't fair to them.

Heero growled, his eyes still watching the door, he didn't look forward to whoever would be first in his room this morning. He suspected it would be Wufei, it didn't matter, he didn't want to deal with any of them. Not if their only reason for being there was a sense of obligation, he wanted them there as his friends, not necessarily to support him, but to be back where they had once been. Duo had made it clear the night before that they were still along way from that point, and if this situation stayed as it was, nothing was going to get any better.

The click of the door opening shook Heero from his thoughts and his eyes flew open, his entire body tensing as much as it could. Only friends would come though that door now, it didn't matter how many times Heero told himself this, panic gripped him. Wufei stepped though the door as Heero had suspected it would be, his expression was a hard one to read, but Heero thought he saw an apologetic light in his eyes. Heero buried the panic beneath a layer of anger, it was the only place he could hide it, and the only emotion strong enough to do so.

The silence between them was awkward to say the very least, but Heero was not about to break it himself, he'd much prefer to be left alone. “How are you feeling?” it seemed to Heero that that was not what Wufei had wanted to say, he wondered briefly what else could there be.

“Fine,” he said flatly it was a blatant lie, but he didn't care, he just didn't want to deal with anything right now.

Wufei nodded accepting that answer at least for the moment, “I thought you'd like to know Relena should be by in an hour or so…”

Heero's mind all but stopped at that, he had not even let himself really think about her since the incident last night. The look in Duo's eyes had been hard enough to endure, Heero didn't even want to consider how Relena might appear when she walked through that door. “She doesn't know…” Wufei's smooth voice broke the silence, and Heero looked to him sharply. “I thought it would be easier if she didn't know,” he shrugged his right shoulder and turned towards the door, “I just thought you'd like to know.” That appearing to be the point of his coming in Wufei turned to the door and left without looking back.

She doesn't know… Heero turned that thought over in his head a few times, wondering just how much it would help him. Could he, knowing what had happened, knowing that he could not put a stop to it, face her? Within an hour there would be no other choice, Relena would be there sitting quietly beside him. In the silence and stillness of the room Heero felt the still powerful effects of the sedative John had given him wash over his mind. He was reluctant to close his eyes, not wanting to see his nightmare so vividly before him. But despite his best efforts to remain awake sleep in the end claimed his tired mind once again.

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Relena waited as the door slid aside, speaking Heero's name the moment her eyes fell upon him. He had at first glance appeared to be sleeping, but at the sound of her voice he jerked awake, eyes flying wide, body tensing. Relena jumped herself at his reaction, she had come in on him asleep before, and the only reaction she had ever received had been his eyes slowly opening to consider her. So why then this sudden change? Perhaps a nightmare? From the threshold of the door it was difficult to see clearly what was in Heero's eyes, but Relena thought he might not be fully awake. “Sorry to wake you…” she breathed softly stepping into the room.

“What are you doing here?” he asked voice sounding unusually sharp to Relena's ears.

She hesitated at that, feeling as though she shouldn't be there at that moment, “Didn't Wufei tell you I was coming?” Relena walked a little closer eyes studying his face intently, he blinked several times still looking sleepy, confirming her earlier suspicions. Unconsciously Relena reached a hand up to tuck her already controlled hair behind one ear, “If you like I can leave and let you sleep…” she really didn't want to.

Heero drew in a shallow breath, “No, that's alright,” he shifted a little on the mattress, the expression on his face flickering briefly. Relena thought it might have been pain, but it didn't look quite right, still it was gone before she could say for sure.

Relena made her way to the far side of Heero's bed sitting herself down in the chair, “Are you in a lot of pain right now?” She wanted to reach out and touch him, but everywhere she looked there were bandages, and even more where she couldn't see.

“I'm alright,” he responded turning his head to regard her, he kept his eyes half closed.

That seemed odd to Relena and for a moment she couldn't say why, until she really looked at him. What she could see of his eyes did not look tired, and if made her wonder if he were trying to hide them from her. “You would tell me if you weren't, right?” it was always a concern to her when Heero said he was fine, it wasn't something she could bring herself to believe.

“Don't worry about it,” Heero said to brush the matter aside.

“I'm sorry…” Relena breathed with a sad smile, looking down to her clasped hands, “I can't help it.” She was always thinking about him, worrying about him, it made focusing on the meetings and lunches that she needed to attend difficult. Her thoughts just continually strayed to him, several people had made comment on her distracted nature of late, but she had managed to dissuade concern easily enough.

“No meetings today?” Heero's voice broke through her thoughts.

“I have a couple later today,” she hoped spending time talking with Heero might allow her to devote more of her attention to the delegates who `needed' her. “I've been trying to back out of the political sphere. There has to come a time when the earth and colonies can take care of themselves…” Relena blushed suddenly looking up into Heero's eyes where he watched her in silence, “Sorry…I must sound like I'm making a speech…”

Heero shook his head a little, “No I'm used to it,” he assured her, stirring memories with in Relena she had kept tucked away for a long time.

She had often bounced ideas off Heero while preparing a speech, and many a time read out her addresses to him, if only to have gone through it once. He had at times given suggestions, but that had never really been her reason for reading them to him. Relena felt like she gained courage from Heero, and after performing her speech before him, it became easier to do it for others. “I must have bored you to tears,” she chuckled softly wishing it didn't sound quite so forced.

“I like the sound of your voice,” the former pilot said softly, causing a renewed blush to rise within her cheeks.

Silence settled over the room, as Relena felt unsure how to answer, she could remember clearly what she would have done, had Heero said such a thing three years ago. But with everything so different now, Relena didn't think it felt right, no matter how much she wanted everything as it had been. Her eyes studied Heero for several long moments, remembering how he had jumped when she entered the room, curious once again, and feeling a little more confident in herself Relena asked, “Were you having a nightmare when I woke you?”

“Why do you ask?” Heero raised an eyebrow at that, it crinkled his forehead making the still healing cut near his hairline more prominent.

Relena's hands clasped, flexing against each other, she wished she could just sit still when talking with him. “I've never seen you jump like that,” she began trying to keep the worry from her voice. “And even now there's something about your eyes…” Relena was still unable to put her finger on what was bothering her about his eyes, it was a light deep within them barely flickering, but she couldn't tell what exactly it was.

“I'm alright,” he said again, the words sounding somewhat stressed, as though he wanted the matter left, like she had hit too close to home.

“So you were…” Relena found her voice teasing, she didn't know where the courage came from, but she was glad for a moment of normalcy.

Heero too seemed to relax a fraction, as a ghost of a smile touch his lips, “I didn't say that.”

“I know, and you never would so I've decided to start filling in the blanks,” she smiled, but the moment faded quickly. Relena knew in her heart—the one place that would never allow her to forget for long—that she had no right to be so light with him. At least not yet, what she had just briefly experienced as something she was going to have to work at for a long time, it was something to be earned again. Relena felt the mood of the room suddenly descend within her, here she was making jokes, when Heero's life had been threatened because of her. She had been trying to avoid the thought of Luc, but it was no use, he had come to mind, and with him the guilt.

“Heero…” he looked over to her, Relena caught the movement through the corner of her eyes, as she had not raised her head to look at him. “…I…wanted to apologise for last night,” she forced herself to look up then, reaching out to grip Heero's hand, “I feel it's my fault--” Heero jerked suddenly when her grip upon his hand tightened. Relena instantly released him, “I'm sorry did I hurt you?”

Heero turned his head away suddenly eyes closing further but not all the way, and a tremor ran through his thin frame. “Heero what is it?” She was greatly worried now, wanting to know what had caused the sudden change, should she call for Wufei?

The former pilot slowly turned his head towards her, appearing to have gathered himself somewhat. “It's nothing, I'm alright.”

“That's not true,” Relena contended suddenly, “If I hurt you I want to know,” she never wanted to cause him pain.

“Don't worry so much!” Heero growled eyes turning away again.

A spark formed within Relena at that statement, and slowly it was fanned to life, causing her to speak without truly thinking, “Don't you understand!” it was obvious to her way of thinking that he didn't. “I can't help it, we can't help it,” she knew the others felt as she did, “We spent three years hating you, completely misunderstanding you. You can't expect us to not care more, now!”

What Relena could see of Heero's eyes in that moment changed drastically, it was as if a switch had suddenly been hit, he was closing himself off from her. “What's wrong?” she asked worry dripping from her voice. She didn't like how quickly everything had changed, it felt to Relena as though every fortification Heero possessed was dropping into place blocking out the world around him. “Don't shut down on me,” she pleaded to no avail. Desperation drove her actions, as she stood from her seat and leaned over Heero's prone form, pressing her lips to his in a quick kiss.

It was a contact she had dreamed of, longed for, and wished to lose herself in. But she didn't deserve to, and it was that unwanted truth that drew her back from Heero with tears standing out in her eyes, “I want to be back where we were, back there…” despite everything the guilt and pain between them, that kiss had felt so go…so right.

Heero's eyes were wide with surprise now, having been caught completely off guard by that kiss. Relena was relieved to see that he didn't look angry about it, “You sacrificed so much Heero…” Relena said cautiously touching his hand with one finger, “Don't you think you deserve a little happiness?” Whether she would ever be able to make it up to him, and be worthy of that happiness also Relena didn't know, nor did she really want to think about it.

The injured man's eyes looked away from Relena lids lowering over them protectively once more, and she began to fear it had all been for nothing, that she had not got through to him. “You know you can talk to me Heero, you always could if you just tired,” sure they had talked, many times together, but never about any problem Heero might had been having. It had left Relena feeling as though there had been a void in their relationship, never was she given the chance to try and fix something for him. “Tell me what's bothering you…” she lowered herself back into the chair, her hands resting on the bed near to Heero's though still only one finger touched him.

Silence was her answer for many minutes, but Relena remained quietly attentive holding out a thin shred of hope that Heero would speak. “…I don't want any one in here out of obligation,” he finally spoke, very firmly, “I want you here as my friends.”

“I've never felt any obligation to be here,” Relena assured leaning a little closer to Heero without thought, “I want to be here with you.”

“To make up for the last three years?” Heero asked, his head dropping to the side again.

Relena jerked back as though burned, her thoughts trying to process what he said and make sense of it in a way that would not further offend him. Still not matter how she looked at it there was no way to separate her want to be with him, and her feelings of needing to make up for the last three years. “That's not fair…” she breathed softly, “How can we separate those?” Relena could feel tears standing out on the edges of her eyes, but they were more of frustration than sadness. “You know I'm not here because I feel obligated to be with you. But at the same time, do I not feel I have nothing to make up for? No!” She watched his eyes closely trying to read what he was feeling, and thinking but it was impossible.

Heero sighed, rather suddenly looking tired, more so than he had moments before, his head turned away eyes looking towards the simple ceiling. Relena carefully took hold of Heero's hand in her own holding it lightly afraid she might hurt him again. “I'm sorry that the two can't be mutually exclusive…” she didn't know what else to say, Relena hated the direction there conversation had turned. It left her feeling out of control, that no matter what she did now it would only hurt Heero. Yet she tried to see this from his point of view, to understand what it must feel like to him. It was not an easy thing for her to do, admittedly she was nowhere near as strong as Heero had been, nor as independent.

“Don't worry about it…” he said slowly, his voice sounding as tired as he looked.

Relena hated the thought of leaving their conversation off on this down note, for a moment she had felt like they might actually be making progress in the right direction. These last few minutes seemed to have brought everything back to where it had been, and there was nothing she could do about it now. If Heero needed to rest that had to take priority over everything else. She sighed very softly, unable to hold it back but not wanting it to be heard, “You look tired Heero…you should sleep.” He glanced to her briefly one last time nodding his head and letting his eyes fall closed.

Thanks for Reading!

A Gift of Strength:

Trowa stood at the foot of his bed head down, eyes hidden behind his auburn hair, Heero raised his head from the pillow, trying to better see what Trowa was looking at. The movement as subtle as it had been, was enough to alert Trowa's observant senses and his head came up slowly. His emerald eye was unreadable in the shadows of the room, and he said nothing just watched body ridged against the wall. Heero's focus turned away from the silent man's eyes to the rest of him, noting and object held within Trowa's hands. It had a metallic glint to it, but Heero couldn't see much beyond that. He could feel a finger of panic reach up from somewhere deep within him to tug at his heart, but he forced it aside, he would not fear a friend, he would not fear anything!

For a long time they remained that way watching each other in an uncomfortable silence, neither appearing to know what to say. Heero couldn't say he felt particularly like dealing with anyone at the moment, still he had not seen Trowa since this whole mess had been sorted out. He was glad to see another of his friends again, no matter how hard this first meeting could or would be. Trowa's eyes, concealing what he was actually thinking and feeling didn't remain on any one part of Heero for that long. For Trowa this was the equivalent of someone fidgeting nervously. Heero had always known his friend to have a steady gaze, one that you could not stare or glare down, Trowa was the silent observer, never one to rush to judgment.

Heero's eyes flickered briefly to the door, hoping John would not come walking in at any moment, he felt very strongly that they couldn't be interrupted. A barely audible sigh escaped Trowa as he finally seemed to come to a decision within himself as he pushed his long form off the wall and took a slow step towards the foot of Heero's bed. The item he carried in his hands became clearer to Heero then, and he immediately recognised it as a hand gun. The brief panic from before didn't return now that he knew what it was, he was not afraid of Trowa. The silence continued to stretch on but Heero thought the other man was going to speak, so he was willing to wait him out.

Morganeth Taren'drel