Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ My Beloved ❯ My Beloved ( One-Shot )

My Beloved
by Lady Dragon


Contains: Angst, 1x? and suicide if this offends continue no further ^o^ possible OOC
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My Beloved,

I'm lying here bleeding, but you dont seem to care. Your eyes reflect nothing of the love I thought you held for me. Was it all a lie? Was it all some deluded fantasy of an addled adoescent boy? Surely it was not, surely it was love I saw in your eyes, the compassion I felt in your evey touch, surely such a thing such as that could not be faked. Yet as I sit here, your vehement words playing through my head like a sentence of condemnation being handed down upon the guilty party of criminals no remorse is shown for me. There is not a tinge of kindness, not a tinge of forced cruelty. You meant every word you said. The hate, the spite the disgust that backed each word they were not lies were they? You meant it all, and you meant for it to sting. Who would have thought you were capable of such malice, who would have thought that behind such a sweet exterior lurked such a foul and horendus creature, a beast that stomped down on the gifts laid at your feet, the gift of my heart, my soul, my love.

Vile and loathsome. Wretched and sick. Is that what you are or is that merely what you think of me? I should have known you were not capable of feeling anything for me, who would? Besides I'm sure you have plenty of women and men chasing after you, all hot for your blood possibly in more ways than one, so why would you want some pathetic lab rat like me. A killing machine, that is all I am to you isn't it? I set up the mission carefully install the parametors in which we will function, calculate a precise method of execution and make sure it is followed to the "T". I push you further, force you to compromise your morals, all for the mission. Nothing comes before a mission, nothing. And yet in my heart you have. You are the one whom I hoped to end the war for. I was not fighting for peace nescisarily, I was fighting for you. I could not stand to see the horrors of this ravaged world reflecting in your beautiful and shining eyes. I could not stand to see that shining light, that bounce in your step slowly corrupted, diluded and destroyed, that was something I could not handle. No training, no conditioning could ever prepare me for the destruction of my koi.

But what right have I to call you that? You have made it painfully clear that I mean nothing to you, that I am mere trash. I am sorry for that, the looks you casted my way, the lust I thought I saw in your eyes, I believed to be a mirror of my own, but it is clear now that though I am nothing more than the Perfect Solider, the killing machine, a lab rat I am now also something else to you. I am now nothing but a "fucking queer" to you. "You dont bend that way" as you so eloquently put it, your not a "freak of nature" but I am, I see that now.

I had hoped you would see just how hard it was for me to admit my feelings to you, to bare my heart, my last dregs of humanity to you. I placed it all in your hands hoping that my trust was not badly misplaced, but it was. Without a second thought you crushed my heart, my soul, my hard kept humainty to a bloody pulp in you palm. It was all I had left in this world. We each have something that kept us going, that kept us sane. And you tore mine to pieces, allowing the wind to scatter them as it pleased, cruel laughter trickled from those beautiful lips of yours as the grief overcame me, brought tears welling in my eyes. Your cruel words mocked my now obvious emotions "Who knew the Perfect Solider could cry!" you crooned, then off you raced telling the others and laughing it up together. Did you think I could not hear you as I lay dying on the hard, cold floor that resembled my life, surounded by the remnants of my soul.

I have no doubt made a bigger fool of myself by writting this letter to you, but I no longer care. Where I am going not even your once beautiful eyes, now cruel and mocking, could ever hurt me again. I cant go back to the way things were, everything has changed. For one my humanity is gone so whats to stop me from hurting the ones I was trained to protect? Secondly, my true purpose for fighting is gone, and without a reason to fight a solider looses his will to fight or so I was trained, and you know what its very true indeed. The afore mentioned reasons are all suitable causes for my elimination however it is the third reason that I do this for. Last but not least I am doing this because I have lost your trust, your confidence, your respect. I am no longer the Perfect Solider you once respected, whom you followed into battle, trusting to lead you back out alive. Instead I am a putrid waste of flesh completely disgusting and despisable, I can not live on seeing this in your eyes day to day.

This is my goodbye. I have caused you grief, and though I have tried I can not hate you. I move to speak the words and yet my lips form another set of words, words that started this mess. Now I supose you understand my silence. In silence we were happy, and I destroyed that for you, gomen. I will now join the many I have sent before me, may they show me no mercy.

Ai Shiteru,
Yuy, Heero

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I left the reciever of Heero's affection un-named on purpose, just so you could insert who ever you wanted into the role ^o^ hope it came out okay.