Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ My Empire of Dirt ❯ Go Away ( Chapter 3 )

Note: Here's another bag of sunshine to Meritjubet-sama. She's a goddess for putting up with my weird ass style--lord knows I've got some problems. *coughs*

 

 

2. Go Away

 

I saw her laugh

Then she said, "Go away"

I saw her laugh

Then she said, then she said,

"Go away, away"

--System of a Down

 

**

 

"Milliard," a voice called in his dreams. "...please stop hurting."

 

He breathed shallowly, shaken as his entire body throbbed in intense agony. Voiceless protests spilled from his lips as he crumpled, and he curled inward, shaking, waiting for it to stop, hoping that it would, just maybe, just once...

 

But it didn't. It got worse.

 

He felt a brush of knuckles touch his cheek, and he calmed very slightly even though he had no idea who the hand belonged to. It seemed instinct to trust the hand and that voice, and so he did, leaning toward its heat. But that fierce pain still throbbed within him, and it burned his very soul, and he couldn't stand it. It hurt, he wanted it to stop...

 

The voice was soft. "You shouldn't hurt so much, Millard... Don't you know how much I hate it when you hurt? You always hurt. It's a wonder I like you as much as I do, because you cause me so much pain..."

 

A quiet sound bubbled up from his throat, try as he might to hide it. It sounded afraid, though he couldn't ever remember feeling so afraid in his entire life. He couldn't remember anything. He just burned.

 

The voice hushed him as a mother would. Warm, safe arms embraced him, and he embraced back, burying his head on soft silk. He felt young, old and middle aged, torn into a thousand pieces and reborn into something stronger, tougher, ultimately more powerful. He felt so many things, and so many hurts, and he was confused, he didn't understand it. Where was he? Who was he? Why was he hurting? Did he do something to deserve this? What happened? He shook harder, his mind in a state of chaos. The pain was too much, and god, he just wanted to die...

 

Was he dead? Was this hell?

 

No...

 

Fingers sifted his hair, massaging his scalp, and the voice that spoke was soothing, yet slightly amused. "Shh," it said softly. His breathing hitched and he felt burning in eyes that could not see. He didn't understand. "I'll protect you, Milliard," it continued. "I cannot stop the pain, but I will protect you... if you trust me..." A pause. A whisper against his ear.

 

"Do you trust me, Milliard?"

 

He pulled away suddenly, drifting, fading, and he slipped back into the nothingness. The arms vanished and he was left alone once again.

 

There was a sound of disappointment.

 

**

 

That hair was just as soft as she could remember. Noin sifted her fingers through it, her hand trembling very subtly, brow furrowed when she met the short length of it at the back of his neck. It felt so odd to touch his hair when it was this short. She'd never once seen him without that massive blonde mane, and it hurt her to know that he had to cut it in order to avoid Yuy's men. She liked that hair more than was good for her.

 

She shook her head, furious at her own thoughts, and pulled her hand away, glaring at his short, ragged hair as if it were an insult to human existence. The haircut was very misshapen in the back, hair falling at uneven lengths around the nape of his neck, but it didn't look too bad because the hair had grown enough to fix itself into a certain untamed style--in fact, it vaguely reminded her of Yuy's hair, only Zechs's style was more... flowing. Even short, it had a certain flowing aspect to it... long bangs whispered against his face, thick tendrils swooping down his cheeks as they slipped passed his ear. His hair didn't curl up when it was cut, it just stayed straight and layered, molding around his head gracefully in the attempts to beautify his battered face. He looked completely different with it short, and she didn't like it much at all. He looked... younger. If his eyes weren't so old and the lines on his face so deep, one could have said he was no more than a child. Shame that Zechs had never really been a child...

 

Noin scowled at the sleeping form on the single bed in their motel room. He was nothing like the old Zechs, at least not the Zechs that she knew, but that was all well and good because the Zechs that she had known died a very long time ago... this Zechs was just an empty shell wandering the world without a soul because he didn't know how to go about getting another one. This Zechs would believe anything you told him if he thought for just a second that he could trust you, simply because he needed something to believe in. He'd gotten hard on the eyes, sure, everyone could see that--but he was very soft underneath.

 

Noin knew it well because she understood him well, and she'd seen him like this only once before, after Sank's first downfall. Relena's death had hit him very badly, the worst in his entire life--even worse than Sank--and now he was beyond the point of becoming cold, hating the world, playing the game of one insane tragic bad guy who never had a clue in the first place. He couldn't resort to grief anymore. He couldn't even resort to hatred. He had nothing left except for brutal honesty, and that honesty demanded a certain sense of absolution--he was shattered.

 

He needed someone to give him a reason to exist, because he didn't have one anymore. It was obvious. He'd lost it after Relena's death, buried under all the other lost causes he'd killed, and now he was drifting in the way only the drifted could do it. He had nothing and no one. He was alone. She couldn't even tell if it bothered him, he just seemed to be living and doing what he needed to do, as he'd always done. But he was running, and not just from Yuy's men or Quatre's billion cred headhunt. Noin felt that somewhere down deep he was broken, and badly... or damn near close to it, at the very least. He'd been sacrificed and witness to the murders of those he cared about one too many times, and now he couldn't handle it anymore.

 

And it didn't seem right. He used to be better than that. He used to be stronger, much stronger, one of the strongest she'd ever known. He would have never let himself become so weak, if he were stronger.

 

But he did.

 

It wasn't right.

 

She stiffened suddenly when she heard a soft, pathetic sort of sound gurgle up from the back of his throat. His eyes crinkled at the edges, face contorted in pain, and his hands curled up into fists. He was gritting his teeth. He turned to his side, bringing up one knee, shielding something torn within him, something buried deep within the recesses of his mind.

 

He started to shake, and Noin knew that he was terrified. She'd seen him terrified before, just once, a very long time ago, and it made her blood run cold. She knew, vaguely, that it was a nightmare, but not a very severe one--just enough to get him riled... perhaps bad enough. He'd wake up dazed, confused, probably a little irritable...

 

She found herself biting her lip, standing over him once again with her hand extended out to reach him. It used to be instinct to comfort him during the nightmares. She'd rub along his back and sift through his long long hair, soothing him in her sleep, saying things she didn't even understand simply because she'd done it so many times and her body knew that it was necessary. Hell, he used to tell her in OZ how much he missed her when they separated because he couldn't catch real sleep otherwise. She was good for that, always had been. He would always calm at her touch, sometimes relaxing immediately, as if he felt deep down in his very bones that if Noin was around, Noin was safe, and he would be safe too. It was ridiculous, but in some ways, Zechs was like that--it was a consequence of their childhood after Sank, where he often had to depend on Noin for everything. Noin was always there, she had been a constant for many years... too many years. She grew to love him. She couldn't say he felt the same way, but she was always protecting him, even if she didn't want to, even if he didn't realize it, even if no one noticed, even now, when she hated him so much, she just wanted to kill him and be done with it. Even now, when it killed her to look at him, because the guilt made her blood boil in rage.

 

It wasn't fair. Hard as she tried, she couldn't hate him. Not completely. Guilt tore through her body like a plague, and she just... couldn't. She couldn't, because she knew how tormented he was, and a part of her still cared about him. She always would, she knew. It was habit. It was how she'd fallen in love with him in the first place, how she grew up around him--she'd gotten to see that terribly sensitive side of him that so many others didn't even believe existed, and she found herself attracted to it, guarding it, keeping it safe from those who went out purposefully to hurt it. They'd met shortly after Sank's first fall, she only a girl, standing there with a gun to his head because he'd walked--stumbled, really--in on her territory, the only gold for a homeless girl and her poor ass family...

 

She waved the memory away with a fist. That was a long time ago.

 

She didn't understand, not even now, why someone would want to hurt a human being so beautiful, but... she'd hurt him as well, didn't she? Several times, in fact. And surely she should understand that sometimes... sometimes hurt just followed Milliardo Peacecraft wherever he went, because that was the way it had to be. The only thing she could do about it was comfort him, and hope that he recovered this time. She didn't think he would. He didn't last time, after all.

 

She put her hand on his shoulder. He relaxed so suddenly, falling back into slumber as if all these years had never separated them and it was just like it used to be. Her eyes softened for only a minute, and then she pulled the hand away again, sighing raggedly. She stared at them, her hands. They felt dirty. She felt dirty.

 

She pulled out handcuffs from her back pocket and gently clicked the steel around both of his wrists, locked in front of him. He could very easily find a way out of them in that position once he woke, but she knew it didn't matter much since he'd find a way out of them one way or another, and it was more of a delay than complete restraint. With a last check to be certain that he was secure, fingers itching to touch his hair again, she scowled at herself and marched away toward the window on the far end of the room.

 

She stood like alabaster behind the glass, watching the people crawl in the streets below, eyes roving for suspicious strangers and that tail that had been following her ever since she'd left the Preventer base in New Edwards. It was obvious he was Yuy's man, and he was admittedly good, but not so good that Noin couldn't dodge him when she wanted to, or kick his ass if he got too close to comfort. She remembered the poor man's surprise when she came out of no where and clocked him over the head. She'd kicked him around for good measure, annoyed that she'd been given a tail in the first place, and had taken his gun before locking him up in that closet at the shuttleport. She had to give her own gun to Une when she left, and thus the real reason why she attacked her tail in the first place. She would need a gun when it came to confronting a man like Zechs Merquise.

 

Even if he is a bit different... a bit... shattered...

 

Noin bit her lip and seethed. She saw nothing but rage beyond her glare at the window pane, once again wrapped up in her own terrible emotions. Every last instinct in her wanted to embrace the man on that bed behind her, wanted to kiss him, and touch him, and to assure herself that he really was there and that he was alive. She knew that Relena's death would have damage on him and she'd feared the worst. She thought he would kill himself, and vaguely, she felt that the only reason they hadn't found him at all was because he was already dead. She'd gotten worried, and then she hated herself for it. She knew, deep down, that she still loved him. Every time she looked at her son, she couldn't--

 

Damn it. Her son. Tears stung the back of her eyes as memories assaulted her. Their son.

 

She knew it was wrong to do what she did. For eight years, she knew it was wrong. Her son even thought it was wrong, and they fought about it constantly, had even done so just before she left. He was given to Une, to stay with Marie until she got back, and he knew where she was going, who she was going to see. He wanted to meet his father, the ever-great Milliardo Peacecraft now damned to the murder of his own sister. Like Noin, he firmly believed in his father's innocence, but unlike Noin, her son's faith was blind because he had never once met his father--ever, since the day he'd been born. Her son was smarter than he looked. He knew that what she did was wrong, and he never let her forget it. As he got older, he started to say he hated her for it. He wanted a father. He didn't get one.

 

Once, he even told her that he hated Zechs too, because he never showed up to take him away from her. He was never there, and it was all her fault, he'd said. She was a horrible mother, and she knew it. But she didn't know how to face it.

 

In some ways, she was just like her own mother. That's who she'd become, that's where all the problems started. She had hated her mother. She'd hated her entire family, but her mother especially. Her mother had been a coward, and she'd been afraid. Always afraid. Afraid just like Noin.

 

Noin was afraid, and that was the truth of it. She was afraid of opening Zechs into her son's life, only to have Zechs torn away from him. Trouble and death followed that man like the plague, and those around him were hurt. She didn't want her son hurt. She'd seen others that she cared about, people like Otto and Relena and Walker and... her family... her mother... everyone, too many, all of them, die in that man's name. Her son would not be on that list as well. Even if it meant the sacrifice of everything she believed in.

 

And she knew full well that she was being a selfish bitch, and she hated herself for it. After all, who the hell did she think she was? What right did she have to keep her son away from his father? She was nothing, and without Zechs, she'd have nothing. Just some little whore from Sank who'd gotten lucky enough to meet her prince... even if he didn't love her...

 

Fuck. It wasn't her--it wasn't Noin, to do something like this, not this, and she knew she was going against the grains of her character. But there was a reason. Many reasons, lots of them, she told herself, plenty of them, plenty of reasons to hate him, to hurt him, to keep him away from their son...

 

And still, it wasn't fair. It wasn't, because she knew how much she'd hurt Zechs, and there was a time not so long ago when she swore she'd never dare hurt him at all, even if it meant her own death in protecting him. But that time had passed. They were both alone now, and there was nothing she could do about it. She didn't want Zechs' forgiveness, she didn't even know what she wanted, really... she just wanted it the way it used to be, the way it could have been before she made one mistake after the other and ruined all their lives like nothing ever had before.

 

She couldn't even remember the reasons she hated him, to be honest. It didn't matter... none of it did, not anymore. It just didn't. As she looked at him lying there on that hard ass mattress in this cheap excuse for a motel room, handcuffed, hair cut, closed eyes disturbed, she knew that it was pointless. She had absolutely no reason to hate him. She didn't.

 

But she did anyway.

 

It wasn't fair. It never was.

 

Zechs groaned awake in that moment, his body stretching sore muscles before his eyes opened warily, and he winced, scuffing the large bruise on the side of his face where Noin had punched him to knock him out. That's when he winced even harder, his arm throbbing in agony. She'd forgotten that she'd shot him with his own energy pistol.

 

"Fuck," he muttered, his back to her. "Did you have to shoot me?"

 

She said nothing.

 

He rubbed the burn with his handcuffed wrists, cursing mildly. The energy pistol had been set on stun and it only burned him, but those things packed one hell of a punch anyway. Muttering, his face colored darkly with the bruise that she'd given him, he scanned the room irritably. He was confused, and he finally noticed the handcuffs arresting his wrists. His gaze darted down to inspect them. Sitting up, he spun to look at Noin, somehow knowing exactly where she was, even if he hadn't yet seen her standing there.

 

"If you wanted bondage, you should have said something, Lu." Noin growled, but Zechs's voice, despite the words, was not amused. He looked down at the mattress, frowning, and lifted the chained wrists to his hair to brush it back into a semblance of sanity. He frowned deeper when he felt the short length of it, and Noin couldn't tell whether or not she imagined his shudder.

 

"...You said you weren't taking me to Yuy," he said.

 

Noin shrugged, trying to appear casual. "I'm not."

 

"Ah."

 

She lifted an eyebrow. "You didn't seriously think I'd trust you?"

 

His body was much too still for her liking, his smirk forced. "I've got no where to run."

 

There was silence for a while. Noin couldn't say anything, caught in his defeated position, and Zechs seemed preoccupied as he stared off into space. After a while, he shifted on the bed and started rubbing his palms against the bruise on his face, a twinkle caught in his eyes that somehow seemed depressing. His words angered her beyond belief.

 

"...I missed you, you know."

 

Noin spat and her hands flew up into the air. "How dare you! You're the one who left me, after you--"

 

Zechs looked away again. "I've apologized. I meant. Why can't you accept that?" His voice was deadly soft--not just hurt, but also quietly angry, as if insulted he could be trashed so easily, especially after all the years between them.

 

Noin lost most of her anger in that voice, flinching because wasn't sure who was really right. Things had happened on Mars that night, terrible, ugly things... She sighed, looking away to the window, and then frowned immediately at a man standing in the barest corners of the alley, watching her building thoughtfully. Something about him was off... something that she didn't like, she found herself caught in the heat of paranoia before she knew what to do with herself. The man was leaning on a black cane, eyes caught in solid sunglasses, his face shielded under a wide brimmed hat. He'd been there the last time she looked, and though he seemed casual, she didn't like it. There was just... something about him... She kept her eyes trained on him, her words thoughtful, but distracted.

 

"We were better than that," she said. "...and you never told me why you... you know. There was no reason. You just... and then you left." She shuddered. That was a very bad night.

 

"I'm sorry, Noin."

 

"That's not good enough. I want to know why."

 

He snorted. "You were always too damned stubborn for your own good, you know that?"

 

She spun from the window and glared at him. "I want to know why, Zechs."

 

"It was a long time ago, Noin. I... don't remember."

 

She stared at him. "Ten years, right?"

 

"Yeah," he said. "Our son's ten, isn't he?"

 

"Yes." She shrugged dismissively with her arms folded, not willing to dig up those particular bag of bones. With a thoughtful frown, she looked him up and down. "You know why you're here, so let's get on with the show. I want Relena's real murderer and you're the only one who--"

 

"I don't remember," he said suddenly, softly. He looked frustrated.

 

Noin's eyes widened of their own accord. "What?" And was it her or did Zechs not remember anything lately?

 

He stared at the floor. "You heard me."

 

"What the hell do you mean you can't remember?"

 

Zechs shook with a weary sigh. "I don't remember," he said again, slowly. "I just remember holding her..."

 

Noin was listening distractedly, her back to him once again as she looked out the window, eyes focused on that man in the shadows of the alley. She caught the glint of a gun, and saw him look up to their window--their window--in a single moment of panic. He looked at her meaningfully beyond his solid black sunglasses, and she swore she saw him smile, but she couldn't tell because most of his face was covered under the brim of his hat. Her heart skipped a beat and she cursed softly. Something was very wrong.

 

Zechs wasn't watching, staring down at his hands. "I remember her blood all over me... and the knife..."

 

Noin said nothing. The man pulled a cell phone from his pocket and the blue light shone faintly like a distant star in the shadows. He dialed a number one handed, still leaning on his cane, and pressed it to his ear with all the casualty of a fire hydrant.

 

"I remember... she said... she said something about..." Zechs shook his head, running from the memory. "I was angry with her. Very angry. But I can't remember... I can't remember where the knife came from, who did it, I can't..." Zechs looked up at her, and frowned when she saw how stiff she was. "What's wrong?"

 

She waved in annoyance, head tilted curiously as the man put the phone away and leaned against the building with a sigh, twirling his cane like a baton. "Nothing," she said, her voice only at half attention. "You said you don't remember?"

 

Zechs shook his head. "I don't remember anything," he went on. "I guessed shock at first, but it's like someone ripped it out of my head. I remember I ran somewhere... ran out of a window, it'd been open, and I... I think I was chasing someone. Someone was there, I'm almost sure, but I can't remember who... man, woman, nothing... I just... and then I ran back to Relena, and she was already..."

 

"Gone?"

 

"No," he said, his voice strained. "...Or yes... Hell, I don't remember, I wasn't paying attention, I... I just saw her and I panicked and I pulled the knife out--fuck that was stupid--but she was covered in blood and she looked so... and she said that she wouldn't..." A rough pause. "...and then she died."

 

Noin did her best to keep her voice neutral as she watched that man in the shadows like a hawk. "You said someone was there? Who was there, Zechs?"

 

"I don't remember. I told you I can't remember the face, or even if it was a man or woman. I know someone was there, because I was chasing someone... but I can't remember who or what or... anything."

 

"You can't remember anything about the killer at all?"

 

"No."

 

Noin frowned again. "That's not a very good alibi, Zechs."

 

"I've never lied to you."

 

"Yes you have."

 

There was silence for a long time.

 

He spoke first. "Do you believe me?"

 

Noin gritted her teeth. She didn't like that man down there in the alley. They had to leave. "I don't know," she said, perfectly honest. "Do you think you did it?"

 

Zechs was taken back. He'd never thought about it before. Sure, the thought had occurred to him, but... no one had ever asked him that way, and he never considered it like that. His lips firmed, brows narrowing. Did he do it? Maybe he wasn't innocent at all...

 

He didn't like that thought and he shuddered.

 

"I don't know, Lu." His voice was cold.

 

"I don't know either. That's why I asked."

 

"I'm innocent," he said with conviction. But he sounded as if he were trying to convince himself.

 

Noin said nothing. The man in the alley looked above their window to the roof of their building, a strange smirk on his shadowed face. He made his move, walking slowly toward the front entrance. Noin stepped back, pulled the gun out of her holster and checked it. Five shots. She reached over and snatched the other gun from the table by the window. She inspected Zechs and his injuries, fingering the trigger of the energy pistol as she eyed the burn on his arm where she'd shot him earlier. There was a hole in his black coat, cut all the way through his shirt to an angry red burn underneath that looked a bit painful.

 

She pressed her lips into a fine line. "Someone is following us and it's not Yuy's tail. He's got backup on the roof and he's armed."

 

"With what?"

 

"Magnum, I think. Not sure." She glared. "Can I trust you with this gun?" She waved the energy pistol slightly to emphasize.

 

"It's no good to give me a gun when I'm handcuffed," and he held up the restraints.

 

She sneered at him, disgusted. "Don't even tr--"

 

A knock on the door. Dead silence.

 

Zechs glared at Noin, old instincts taking over from OZ. She always used to follow him into battle, so why not now?

 

Because this isn't OZ anymore, she thought bitterly, but tossed him the pistol anyway. She didn't have much of a choice. Gun in hand, she held it at the ready and crouched before the side of the door as Zechs took the opposite side, energy pistol down at the floor, finger just barely hugging the trigger. He flicked his head, motioning for her to answer.

 

Noin did. "Who is it?"

 

"Room service, madam."

 

She scowled darkly. She'd met the maid on duty earlier, and she had been a woman in her late twenties. This voice was a man, gruff, at least in his early forties. He wasn't a maid--maids didn't sound like they wanted to pull your guts out of your stomach and hang you with them just for the hell of it.

 

She shot him through the door and heard his body hit the ground. Zechs eyed her a look that seemed vaguely impressed, and he kept her back as she inched the door open and peered out. The body of a man in armor was sprawled on the floor, rifle clattered at his side. She'd put a bullet in his skull, and through the door at that. She let herself have a moment of pride before Zechs whistled. Noin grabbed him the chain of his handcuffs, annoyed, and pulled him into the hallway, eyes darting in either direction for the enemy. She stepped over the body, grabbing the rifle and holstering her pistol as she grumbled about idiots who didn't deserve to have beautiful illegal guns like this one.

 

There was a shout behind them, and Noin dropped on rolled, Zechs behind her. They crouched behind a soda machine as a shot whizzed past her ear. Noin fired with her new rifle and another body went down, the gunshots very loud in the tiny little motel corridor. A maid poked her curious head out to see what the hell was going on and slammed the door shut again when a bullet seared her marshmallow styled brown hair.

 

Noin swore loudly, worrying over the strays in harm's way. She glared at Zechs. "Who the hell else wants to kill you?"

 

Zechs shrugged and shot twice. The last two men went down, the gunshots suddenly silent as he rose. "I don't know," he said, his voice strange. He aimed the gun at her chest. She swore again, surprised. "...but they're after me, not you."

 

"So what? You're going to shoot me?"

 

"You're the mother of my child and I won't let you get hurt." His voice was very cold, she noted dully.

 

She growled and tried to kick his legs out from under him, but he shot her in the chest. It was on stun again, and burning pain seared its way along her body, making her groan. She cursed like an L2 whore in the penthouse suite.

 

"Stay down," he said softly.

 

"Fuck you!" She jumped up and attacked him, but he shot her again, this time in her right leg. He punched her twice, and through the brief agony washing over her, darkness consuming her senses, she thought she heard a whisper in her ear.

 

"I'm sorry..."

 

Everything went black.

 

 

Note: About Noin and the homelessness and hating her family--I'm taking a few liberties with her past, especially her past with Zechs, since it's never really been gone into that much and I think the characters knew each other for far longer than they really let on. After all, there had to be a reason Noin was so loyal to Zechs, right? Assuming she's more than just the "ideal Samurai wife" as Ederyn passionately insists. Because I'm me, I like to believe she's more complicated than "I love him, I'll always follow him, blah blah blah." So there. *pretends not to notice Ederyn's fist waving in the air* I'll go into greater detail about that whole shenanigan later, when the time is right. Until then, enjoy the confusion! *grin*