Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ My Reality Is Twisted ❯ Unlit Cigarette ( Chapter 8 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

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Title: My Reality is Twisted
Author(s): Lady Lye
FanFiction Source(s): Gundam Wing
Rating: PG-13
Genre(s): Romance, Humor, Angst (you guys know the deal with me by now, right?)
Special Notes/Warnings: Here there be... G-Boys as G-GIRLS! Language, dialogue, homosexuality, heterosexuality, yeah, yeah...
Summary: What if Duo really was and always had been a girl? Following the war, she tries to reclaim the life she never could afford before- but Fate is cruel and her Past catches up with her..

Author's Notes: I must now thank my awesome author-buddy Mudpie, as I was inspired to write this from one of her fics. Both fics have kinda the same idea behind them (Duo's a girl) but they take drastically different turns. For one thing, mine has more sap. (Lady: Mud-chan I want SAP. Lots and lots and LOTS of SAP. Sticky gooey SAP. SAP SAP and MORE SAP!)
Disclaimer:Oh for crap's sake! It's not mine!! Hell, I admitted that even the original concept for the story ain't mine! … Wait, why am I writing then? OH, right! The whole 'be like Shakespeare but a woman, cleaner, and not dead' thing. Ah. Yes. See, the Bard didn't make up the stories- he just knew how to tell 'em. Thus is me. I want SAP, damnit!! So me'n my lil Beanie Bard are gonna write this ficcy. Ciao.

Other Crappy Warnings for People Who Get Scared Easily: This is obviously a 2/? fic, tho just who that other person is shall remain a mystery... for now... Also, there will be shonen ai (I'm going light in this...) and let's not forget my carefree use of language, ie: vulgar language. If any o' that bugs you, please scram or open your mind.

Important: This is What If fic, not in any way meant to take the place of good old fashioned yaoi. I adore yaoi, I really do, but the concept of if Duo were a girl struck my fancy and thus I am writing this. NOT to pretend homosexuality does not/ should not exist (HAH, if my IM buddies heard you suggesting that I thought that, they would probably die laughing. I love 1x2x1 and 3x4x3 and 2x5x2 and gawd only knows what else. Those just came to mind as my faves.) So DO NOT go there, ok? Just DO NOT suggest that I'm anti-homosexuality or anything cuz I will NOT respond well.




-Her Ladyship

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The evening progressed, and the party went on. Guests milled and drifted, enjoying themselves. The three ladies were content to sit and chat, unaware that they were letting their beauty, wonderful music, and good champagne go to waste. They had almost forgotten that they weren't just anywhere, gabbing aimlessly.

Thus they were surprised to feel three taps on three shoulders and looked up questioningly. Duo's breath caught in her throat. "Would you like to dance?" Wufei smiled quietly down at her.

"Ms. Sally?" Quatre gave a polite half bow.

She didn't miss the serious look in his eye and stood, equally grave. "Quatre," she took his arm and allowed herself to be lead to the floor.

Hilde stared up at Trowa with saucer-wide eyes, and made a few small squeaking noises of protest. He bent down and put a hand on the table to support himself. "I wouldn't want you to feel left out. Please?" he gave a small, coaxing smile, and she dumbly allowed herself to be pulled along, flushing as brightly as her dress.

"It's just you and me," Duo was trapped. She looked around for an escape and found none, and was forced to take the offered hand, stomach practicing acrobatics. The kind smile he was giving her set her both on edge and comforted at the same time.

She found herself smiling and taking his hand. "I guess it is."

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Sally allowed Quatre to draw her into the midst of the floor, and they picked up the pace of the other dancers. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"I'm concerned. About Duo." The young man's eyes, reminiscent of a clear lagoon, traveled to the pair just beginning to dance.

"You mean, more so than usual?" Sally managed to glance at them as the dance allowed her.

"Heero is here tonight."

"What!?" Sally hissed. "Quatre, where is he? Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't know until just a few minutes ago… Rashid has been running himself into the ground trying to coordinate this whole thing. He was only just able to get away to tell me." Quatre continued seriously.

"So where is he? Do you think-" Sally paused and bit her lip. "They need to talk- but I don't know if here is the wisest place…"

Quatre nodded his agreement. "Rashid said only that he saw his name checked on the guest list- no one knows where he's gone."

Sally swore softly. "The enemy's twice as dangerous when it has the element of surprise… I don't want this to ruin Duo's evening…"

"Or Wufei's," Quatre's eyes flickered back to them. He blinked. "What are they doing?"

Sally whipped around to see and began to chuckle. "Did anyone ever bother to teach Duo how to dance?"

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Duo squeaked and had to lean against Wufei to maintain her balance. She felt like a complete moron. And a klutz. The ultimate klutz. No, klutz wasn't a big enough word for it. There had to be something that meant 'world's biggest dumbass'… She blushed mightily again and fought to right herself, having tripped over her own feet again. "I'm sorry…"

Wufei helped her stand straight again, a thoughtful look on his face. Looking at him made Duo feel even worse by comparison. He made every movement gracefully, elegantly, and perfectly. He easily found the beat and kept it. He had been trained in all things as a child, and his education was showing. Oh what she wouldn't give… He also knew where to put his feet. "Step back- on the next count, begin as you would usually. Go on, without me."

Duo licked her lips and determinedly got back into position. At the start of the next measure, she began the first step forward.

"Aha!"

She faltered and her heel gave way, making her trip again. Wufei nimbly caught her, beaming. She scowled up at him. "What the hell is so amusing?"

"You're trying to lead."

Duo blinked. Then she groaned and tried to cover her face with her gloved hands. "I'm so stupid…"

He laughed good-naturedly and set her on her feet again. "Here, let's try again- I want you to take all the steps you know and do them backwards."

"Backwards!?" She felt her voice rise a half octave. "But I can't even do them forwards!"

"You can and you will, just let me do all the work, ne?" he settled their arms into position again. "Relax, you're too tense." She blushed again and looked down, forcing her muscles to loosen up. "Feel the beat… one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two three, step back, two three, left, two three, up, too three, no, don't push, that's my job. One, two, three, one two, three, now you're getting it, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, yes, back, good!"

Duo beamed, realizing she was dancing. "Isn't there a turn in here- woah!" The magic, smooth motion of dancers that had been perfected over centuries spun her out and away from him, less than perfectly, and back. She stared into his laughing face with wide eyes. "Don't do that!! You have to tell me when you're going to do that!!"

"Good then, here's your warning," he chuckled and spun her out again, this time in sync with the other dancers.

"I'm going to kill you for that," she scowled breathlessly.

"Not if I can do it again," he winked and before she could open her mouth beyond an 'o' of protest, she was away and back.

"This is injustice… whoever decided men should lead should be shot…"

Wufei's good-natured laughter rang out, and she couldn't help giving a small smile back.

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As the music ended, Hilde raced back to her seat, bright red. Trowa followed, looking a bit embarrassed and scratching the back of his neck. Quatre, with Sally courteously on his arm, returned as well.

"What happened?" the small blond enquired of the taller man while Sally went to see to Hilde.

"Nothing- she's just afraid of boys!" Trowa blushed a little as well. Quatre tried not to laugh too loudly so as not to hurt Hilde's feelings and took his seat.

Sally didn't bother to hide her amusement, and teased. "Honestly, Hilde, it's just Trowa, not the world's sexiest man-"

"Hey! I resent that!!"

"I mean, if he were Treize or something, I could understand…"

"TREIZE was better looking than me!? Since when?!"

"Or even Zechs-"

"ZECHS?! ZECHS?!?! I'm second place to ZECHS?!"

Quatre was failing horribly to hide his mirth. "Actually third; Treize beat you, too."

Trowa crossed his arms and tipped back in his chair huffily. "This contest is bogus, I demand a recount." (AN: I REALLY wanna just put in one of those lil ///.- emoticons…)

"Facts, darling," Sally patted his shoulder, humoring him.

Trowa glared at her. (AN: ///.
Hilde smiled, feeling a little better. She looked up and waved at Duo as she and Wufei walked over.

Duo did not appear happy and sulkily slid into her seat. When all but the grinning Wufei shot her concerned looks, she bit out, "He kept twirling me."

Wufei grinned. "Getting too dizzy for you?"

"Shut up, scumbag."

"Don't worry, Duo, Wufei's a terrible dancer," Sally whispered to her loudly.

"What did you say, onna?!"

"So, Hilde, about that nailpolish-"

"Excuse me," Duo looked up to find a small crowd of smiling young men. "Would you care to dance, miss?"

"Uh- I- uh-" Duo shot desperate 'help me, what do I do!?' looks at the rest of the table.

She received a unanimous, table-wide evil grin.

"Oh my god, do you people ever suck…" she muttered as she was lead away by her gang of followers. Her evening then became a seemingly endless trail of men who blended together until one was indistinguishable from the next, save when one was clumsy or wore too much cologne or was too forceful. She was unable to rest or even grab more than a few sips of wine before she was whisked away yet again. At least her dancing was improving with so much practice.

At last, brain reeling with lights and scents and the liquor that was the only beverage easily available, she graciously excused herself from the throng, claiming she needed to go to the restroom. Which, in a way, she did; it was the only place her admirers could not follow.

She didn't hesitate to slip behind the pillars and tall plants dispersed around the room and quickly made her way to the Ladies Powder Room, as the little sign declared it. She took her time making use of the facilities, and spent more effort than was necessary checking every detail of her appearance in the well-lit mirrors, but she found herself staring at the exit in reproach. She didn't want to be swamped again by young studs looking for someone to take home, be it for a night or for life. She just wanted to relax right now, but she couldn't stay here indefinitely. She pushed the door open a little, and peered out; she couldn't see anyone watching, but that didn't mean they weren't. Cautiously, she slipped out.

To her great advantage, the entrance to the Powder Room was screened by several more of the tall, sturdy, desert variety of a plant she didn't know the name of. She hid behind them as best she could, eyes searching the room. Perhaps if she could get someone like Trowa over here, she wouldn't be bothered again.

Then her eyes lit. Her prayers had been answered. In the near corner, along the outer wall that faced into the mansion's gardens overlooked by large terraces often kept open for just such an occasion as this, was another exit, its door half propped open and hidden by the loosely draped curtain, the length of which hung from the gargantuan ceiling all the way to the floor. She didn't want to think what it must cost to clean each of the thirty-four curtains that covered this fourth wall that was, in actuality, all window. Nevertheless, she sent her thanks up to the architect, and whoever had left the door open, and without incident, made her way through the portal to freedom.

As the darkness fell coolly around her like a soft cloak, she breathed a sigh of relief, allowing her eyes to adjust from the harsh light from within. Feeling much relaxed, she took a few delicate steps from the doorway and towards the railing, a good fifteen feet away. She paused when she saw couples in various stages of love, from flirtation to making out, leaning against it.

A slight frown creased her fair features and she changed her plans. To her right was the length of the room, light pouring out at intervals and people milling and even causing some noise in the distance, though here it was silence. To her left, she could see the far end railing, unlit by more than the moon, and decided that that would be better than here, where someone might find her. Taking her time and enjoying her stroll, she ambled to the far rail, a sudden thought making her hope that there wasn't yet ANOTHER couple here.

As she approached, she paused, looking to her left. The balcony did not end. Instead it wrapped around the balcony into a little square deck cut out of the side of the building. Her heart soared- it didn't appear as though anyone else had discovered this yet, and she quickened her pace, knowing this must be the same deck they had lunched at only a few days ago, and thus it held the promise of chairs. Her eager steps slowed and stopped, however, as something became dreadfully clear.

She wasn't alone.

Suddenly she couldn't breathe. Her eyes had to be deceiving her. It simply could not be. The figure outlined against the moonlight, hunched over a bench, hair wildly out of place, could not possibly be. It simply couldn't be. Just couldn't. The world as she knew it came crashing down around her for the second time in a month.

Their eyes, of course, locked instantly.

She nearly reeled back as she plunged for the thousandth time into the most inescapable pools of molten blue fire she had ever seen. He hadn't changed in the slightest.

Achingly empty moments ticked by as they stared at each other. Duo wanted to open her mouth to scream, maybe hurl insults at him, but her throat had constricted too much. And she had the dreadful feeling that in this space, it was just like the lack of space. No one could hear her scream.

The atmosphere shifted at last, heralded by loud laughter from around the bend. It didn't make things any easier, however.

"You appear to be enjoying yourself." Nice to be the life of the party? Surrounded by men? What you used to be? What you should be? What you lied and told me you were?

His condemning tone set her cheeks aflame with anger. How dare he accuse her so?! Where had he been the last month to back up his claims!? It was HE who had abandoned HER. "Better than moping in the shadows while your friends wonder what the hell has happened to you," she spat out sneeringly.

Heero looked away, silhouetted in the dark, embarrassed. That took her aback. Heero Yuy- ashamed? Had she done that? Wanting to hang her head as well, guilty children, the both of them, she took a seat on the bench perpendicular to his, overlooking the gardens. He didn't look at her, but his fingers moved, and she squinted into the darkness to see what it was he was restlessly turning over and over in his large, calloused hands.

It was a cigarette, unlit. That brought confusion, and she frowned. "You don't smoke." Smoking harmed the body and mind, and was a hindrance to the completion of tasks. Heero Yuy did not smoke. A horrible feeling set into her gut. Had he started? Did he now care so little for himself and his 'missions' that he would poison himself this way? He glanced at her briefly, and returned his gaze to space. Fight or flight began to kick in, and she fidgeted nervously. Nervous fidgeting in her turned into brazen banter. "Face it, Heero," she said cockily, crossing her legs and arms in defiance, "I know everything about you. I didn't fight a war side-by-side with you not to learn how you operate." A small breeze brushed her thigh and with horror, she realized her skirt had fallen open for the world to see, and quickly slammed her slipper-clad foot back down. If Heero noticed, he did not comment.

He didn't reply right away, and instead looked at the thing in his hand. It was deceptively smooth; an innocent paper wrapping, but it contained death, sure as the sun would rise. "Some drunk came wandering back here and he said I looked depressed. He thought this would cheer me up." In a swift, powerful, beautifully athletic motion, Heero threw the cigarette over the balcony's rail to disappear into the black night that swallowed it up. "Fool."

Duo watched the place she had last seen the cigarette before it was lost to the garden, as though its wraith might rise up to torment them. Beside her, she knew Heero did as well. The silence stretched out between them, pushing them apart and pulling them together at the same time. She couldn't help thinking it was a dead sort of silence.

"You know, at first, I thought I was crazy." She looked at him as he began to speak, eyes still transfixed into the emptiness of the night. "I had never felt that way about anyone before. Not anyone. I didn't think it was possible for me to feel that way."

"I was completely confused- I didn't know much, but I knew that women and men fell in love with each other, not men with men."

She drew her breath in quickly. Just what was he saying?

Heero took a deep breath, let it out slowly. "But then a figured… I like you, so… I must be attracted to all men," he turned to look at her again, then, and in that moment, she felt she could see the universe in those wise eyes. 'Old soul'… something Sister Helen had once spoken of. Heero was like that… there were ways in which he seemed so much older than his seventeen years.

As what he had said sunk in, she sucked in a fast breath. He- had thought he was gay? He was attracted to her so much he was convinced he was gay? Oh great Shi! That wasn't in the cards!! She could feel her cheeks lighting on fire again as full realization came upon her. It was still a highly controversial topic- every so often the news would be splattered yet again with the blood of a man who couldn't take the pressure anymore- or who had had the decision made for him. Although for years the world viewpoint had been tolerant of homosexuals, prejudice among the people was another matter and a far less controllable force. For Heero to admit such a thing was dangerous, even amongst friends- to her. Her. She was a her. But if he was gay-

She forced herself back to reality to pay attention again; he had begun once more to speak. The words seemed as though they were a foreign language to her fuddled brain. They meant something, but she wasn't sure what. Until a few sliced through the fog.

"But now that I know that you're female…"

Now. I didn't before, and I wasn't sure then, but now I'm certain.

Female. Not woman, not girl, not something endearing…. Female- said as though it were a clinical condition; a medical term; a fact and sterile and nothing more to it than precision and textbooks and, oh, how it made her head spin…

"…I think we stand a chance…"

Wait, he what? Backtrack…

'But now that I know that you're female, I think we stand a chance.'

So… before, when he thought she was a guy… he thought they could never be together?

So… now they 'stand a chance'? Only- a chance? Not, 'I'm still madly in love with you and I don't care WHAT you are, only WHO you are'…?

'I care about WHAT you are too much…'

'I will always care WHAT you are…'

Heero continued to talk, but she was no longer paying attention. Instead she looked at him with new eyes, seeing everything truly, for the first time. She had always thought him to be somehow superhuman. He was so seemingly perfect. Body and mind, he was like something from a dream. He could do no wrong… even when he failed, it was only endearing, because he blamed himself so single-mindedly for his defeats. She had thought that a noble quality.

Heero Yuy was not perfect. As she looked at him, she calmly realized that he never had been; it had just been her mind seeing what it had wanted to see.

Duo stared at the ground, just past her gowned legs and fancily clad feet. "You know something, Heero?" she began softly, then repeated it louder, getting his attention. "You know something? All this time, I thought I had you figured out. I thought that no matter what happened, no matter how surprised other people would be with you, I wouldn't be, because I thought I knew you inside and out." She knew he was staring at her, blinking at her dumbly, confounded in his thickness. "Apparently, that's not enough." Yes, she thought, let him absorb these words… let them become into graved into his mind where he could ponder them ever more, and perhaps one day find their meaning. She certainly wasn't going to just hand him the answers. After the other day, when he exposed her and his own true colors, she would never be surprised by him again. She understood the real him now.

"I guess I didn't know you as well as I thought I did." His incomprehension was clear upon his face as she spoke, and stood. She faced him then, to deliver the final declaration, and waited a moment while she studied him. He was so incredibly lost in where she was going with this. It was almost insulting. "Good-bye, Heero."

She turned on her heel, and walked away. She didn't look back, and she didn't hesitate as she walked back around the corner, skirt swishing in its familiar way to the rhythmic tapping of her shoes on concrete. She didn't need to turn to see the look of shock and bewilderment surely plastered on his classic face. She moved onto the main balcony and into the long panels of light that came through the windows. There were too many people here… She didn't want to risk being seen by her friends… Before she realized she was fleeing, she had already glided down the stairs into the garden and was walking along the gravel path amongst the high shrubs.

'The nice thing about mansions,' she though sardonically, 'is that they always have a convenient garden to get lost in with an even more convenient bench…' (AN: *pokes fun at herself, gets herself in the eye, and runs off to sulk*) She didn't find an actual bench, but did come upon a fountain surrounded by four walls of shrubs, it's rim wide enough for her to sit comfortably.

Weary now, she did so, and pulled off a glove to trail manicured fingertips through the rippling water. It was warm against her skin, courtesy of the plumbing system, and she watched the water slide down her wrist as she pulled her hand back into her lap. She looked up towards the sky, perhaps seeking guidance from whatever people believed was up there, and when she blinked, it was to unsettle the salty water brimming on her lashes.

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