Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ My Relena ❯ My Relena ( One-Shot )

My Relena

I can feel the weight of the gilded door solidly against the bone of my forehead. The wood stands unyielding, giving a feeling of stable security, and mahogany tinted finish shines dully in candle-lit patterns, creating a sense of quiet serenity. The oak calmly supports my resting brow, if not the thoughts contained within.

Why? Why is this so difficult? Why can I not just… enter? Is it because I am wary of what I will find on the other side of this barrier? Or..

..Is it because I know this is goodbye?

My eyes focus dimly on the decorative scene in front of me. I lift my hand as if drawn to do so, and spread my fingers to touch the beauty of the wood. The carvings are sophisticated, and dust has collected in the grooves in thin speckled layers. The effect makes the door seem regal and imposing, but quiet - and yielding - in a way which seems to invoke sorrow. I run the flesh of my fingertips over the shapes and miniature statues, and try to make sense of the ache that throbs inside my rib cage robbing me of breath. It seems so much a part of me now - like it has lived there all my life, and it stirs within me at my acknowledgement. It spreads beyond my lungs and all throughout me until I can feel nothing else, and it slowly eases my body into its comfortable embrace.

It's strange how serene one becomes just as one is faced with destruction.

My vision blurs, and I blink to clear it. The figures mock me with their mimicry. They too endlessly gaze into space with pupil-less penetration, seeking answers that will never come. It is more than that, though. I see all of myself reflected in those soulless eyes. Heavy. Heartbroken. Forever holding the burden of silence and misery - utterly powerless as everything is taken away atom by atom, and unable to change any of it at it forces its way in and around.

I take in a shaky breath and attempt to squeeze the thoughts from my brain with eyes pressed tightly. I am determined to be collected when I face you. I cannot allow you to see my weakness. I have known the heaviness of heartbreak every time I turn away from you - and I vow I will not permit you that same heated wound. I only hope my training has been enough, for this promises to be the most difficult battle of my chaotic existence. I am ready. At least, I hope I appear to be. I must be. For you.

**************************************************************** ***********************

Under my weight, the door slowly pushes inward. Whether it is from the weight of my body, or the weight of my soul, I don't know. All I am aware of is the sudden engulfment of stillness as I penetrate the thick silence of your room. It's strange - prior to this moment, the statuettes on the door were soulless and mocked me. But compared to the chilled indolence around you, the carvings have abandoned the frozen and inhuman indifference of the stone cousin they so resemble to adopt a warm and inviting manner that invokes ease and comfort. The abrupt shift in their nature amplifies the stillness of your room, making the hopelessness appear more exaggerated. More horrifying.

And you. Standing beyond the threshold of your room where I have come to find you. You are… breaking.

A searing, jagged cry gurgles its way from the pit of my tattered being and lodges itself in my clenched throat. It never had a chance to erupt from me, yet despite this, I bring my fist to my mouth in an attempt to destroy it. I fear sound is not needed for the scream to be vomited outward to pierce the air around you, and I can only hope the silent thunder will echo within the caves of my lungs and leave you unaware. My eyes are frozen on you, too cold to shed warm tears. The frailness of your broken spirit reflected in the glass of the window is unbearable - I swear I can feel you falling. No. You will not fall. I won't let you. Stand, Relena. Stand.

You stagger, and barely remain upright. Your struggle seems more augmented - more futile and desperate, by the stillness around you. All is Motionless. Frozen. Stone. But you have not fallen. Perhaps by my will alone - but you have not fallen. If you must, retreat to the bed for support, but do not allow yourself defeat. You must win! Yes. You are a victim of the harsh, cold glass, and the phantom stares back and scorns you. But you cannot allow it to triumph over you. Stand, Relena! Stand!

My wish must have found you and given you strength, because your fingers nail themselves to the wood of the window pane, and your eyes defy the reflection in the glass. It is then that you seem to find composure. You seem to recover further as your fingers glaze over the ghost-like image of yourself. The tension has yet to leave me, but I can do nothing to move towards you. I am forced to remain where I stand and watch you numbly observe your likeness in the glass, watch your fingertips rise to kiss the silk of your face. The touch calms you. Maybe you have realized that indeed you are real, thus tangible and able to break. Flailing within wind-shorn emotions, you must wonder if you are the image of sorrow - or just the victim of it.

It must be confusing to witness one's self when one isn't sure what reality is.

**************************************************************** ***********************

As you regain yourself, I suck in a relieved breath through clenched teeth. And your body stiffens. So. You know I am here. Why?! Why can I not find the strength to move my feet from the floor? I wish to the point of pain to hold you now. To soothe you and comfort you. To rock you gently as you drift to sleep, to watch over your dreams and ensure they are peaceful…But I cannot. I have forsaken the right to do such things so that I can battle the horrors that plague you. I need these hands, Relena. I have to fight. I can't hold you with the very hands that are needed for fighting. For you. I have been through Hell to protect you from it, for you, I will do so for the rest of my life. I will not see you endure any more than I have just now seen. I'm sorry. I'm sorry! You were never meant to feel pain. I have failed you, Relena.

Relena….

You turn towards me, but your eyes do not meet mine. Why will you not look at me? Do you fear that I will see into you? Is that why you hide in shadow? That doesn't matter. At this moment, I am doing all I can to hide from you as well. I need to bring myself under control. To find the darkest pit of my blackened being and place myself in its talons. I can't allow you to see the inferno raging inside. You can't know how icy devastation rips into me and threatens to shatter what's left of my soul.

You could always see past my masks, though.

I don't fault myself for that weakness. Everything that remains human begs to let you in. The part that feels wants you to know that had I a soul to break, it would be yours… and I would gladly condemn myself into darkness for just one moment in the light of your love.

Thunder resonates the pounding rhythm of my heartbeat in my ears, and the echoes quietly ricochet until they sluggishly fade into nonexistence. What is this? Why does my body feel so weak?

And then your eyes sear through the blackness and find mine, granting strength to my limbs. I can't hide this. I can't hide from you. I have never known fear. But now, I am trembling. Is this fear? I don't feel frightened. But.. I'm terrified. Of you? I don't think so. I..I just don't know what to fight against anymore. The salvation you offer me, or the promise to fight for a symbol the soldier has forsaken long ago? A symbol that has come alive in you. I was never meant to have that for myself, Relena. Don't you know that? You KNOW me. You know what I am, what I've done. So make me understand why you reach your hand out to me? Do you not know that I cannot accept your forgiveness? I can't afford to be changed!

Why? Why can't I see you apart from the symbol?

I try to look away, but I cannot. I feel you inside me, invading my mind. It is as though I were the phantom in the glass, trying to discern reality from fable. Am I real? Or am I the reflection? What do you see in me? Do you see the longing? Or do you see the frozen hatred built upon horrors no one should ever see? Do you see that I cannot afford regret?

You walk over to me. Perhaps you sense that my sanity is stretching. Have you come to save me again?

Relena….

I see the questions in your eyes. Don't you know I can't find the strength to answer and not suffer for it?

I collapse into myself, pleading with whatever holds me to release me. Let me either submit to the inevitable, or find escape. I don't know. Maybe both. But don't leave me a hollow husk of nothingness. There must be…something… that I can have. Something that is not forbidden - a way for me to keep you despite what is impossible.

Please… please don't look at me like that, Relena. I can't.

I can't bear it.

And I… I can't resist it, either.

Your haunted look thrusts through the boundary of my will, and the only reality I have is the one that floats between your eyes and mine. I haven't the courage to cave in and be held by you. I haven't the strength to walk away. How could I leave when I ache to touch you? How can I stay if I allow myself to caress you? But - I must have a place I can allow to exist for you alone. My heart demands it. And.. and I want it. I want so direly to give myself to you. But I don't have any power! If I were to allow myself to see the patient, unwavering love in your eyes.. and the desire to drown within me until you find the answer to cure my pain, I could never leave you. And I must if I am to protect you. Can't you see that I don't want to leave you? I should have killed you. Then, the only war I'd know would be the one I was meant to be a part of. The war in which I am the God of Rage and Revenge and the Dionysus of Pain and Suffering. I cannot allow you to see the misery I have caused. I will not let you see that I hate what I am, and that pieces of my soul die with every life I take. I won't let you see that I long to give in to your touch and be freed from damnation, that with your kisses, my soul would heal and be made whole. It would be so easy.. But.. I do not deserve your love. I do not know why you have given me your heart. Yet every time I look into your eyes, I thank whatever God may be for it.

Relena..

You give me such hope!

Others were meant to hope, Relena. Not me.

I can feel your heat on my skin. When did you get so close? I don't care. All I know is I want you. I want to be a part of you. I want to exist inside you and live in the eternal moments you create with every breath of air you take in. I want to hold you and keep you. I want to carry you within the love of one who knows just how precious and rare love truly is. Relena! Why didn't I take your life when I had the chance? You could have lived on inside me - but no. That wouldn't be right. You, standing here now.. so vulnerable and… and gently submissive, silently pleading me to abandon you, but begging me to stay and to love you. This is how it should be. Damn love for breaking your heart regardless of the action I take. Damn this heartless war for taking everything from me, and Damn me. For everything I am and everything I've done. For hurting you and doing nothing to stop it.

You look down, and I fear that I have allowed you to see too much. Before I know it, I reach out to caress the strands of hair that have fallen, and barely manage to hold myself still. You are upset, but not at any thoughts you may or may not have discovered. I have hurt you. I am sorry. I made a promise, and I broke it. Don't you realize that I was never meant to return? Luxemburg was a suicide mission. A last desperate effort to destroy any opposition or threat to your beloved Kingdom. And to you. I wanted to prevent a situation like this before it happened. Because I knew it would happen. And.. and I wanted it to. I knew I wouldn't have the strength to turn away from you again. I was a coward. I couldn't kill you, I couldn't love you - so I ran. I told myself my death would free you. The Angel of Peace would be damned by the love of a Demon of Destruction. At least - at least if I had died protecting you, my life would have been worth something. And maybe I would have earned some of the love you freely bathe me in. As it is, you have captured and ruined me for a soldier's perfection. I can't kill you. I can't even die for you for fear of hurting you. And now, I can no longer deny you. But I will protect you. From your own heart if I must. Live for your people, Relena. Not for me. I will only destroy your spirit.

You tremble, and I can't help it. Nor do I wish to. My eyes hungrily take you in with greedy attention, and burn your radiance into my memory. I drink in the soft bend of your neck, the cascade of melted gold flowing over your back and shielding your closed eyelids from perfect view, your soft auburn-burnt eyelashes slick and curled with unshed tears, the slight tremble of your lower lip.. You are so beautiful. You are the manifestation of loveliness, untouched by malice or discord. You are pristine and delicate. Graceful and.. and you smell so wonderful. I avert my eyes and swallow a lump in my throat. A low, desperate groan is taken with it. It is all I can do to keep myself from shaking visibly. God I love you.

But that doesn't change that I must leave you tomorrow. I have come to make it easier for you. Always thinking of me, you believe anger will lessen my pain. I'll let you believe that, if it will ease your own pain. So. I have come to pick a fight and face your wrath. Make it quick, Relena. I can't take much more of this. I open my mouth, and for a moment, no sound escapes. So I breathe in, anxious to prevent myself from tasting your scent - almost lose it when I fail, but manage to try again. Slowly.

"I should have killed you."

It came from my lips hushed and gently rasping, but at least it came. I hear a sadness behind the words, and even my heart breaks at the sound. I know you hear it, too, because I see you tense before you look into my eyes once again. Now, Relena. Gather your strength. Take mine if you must. Belittle me, anger me, insult me. Do whatever it takes if it makes you believe leaving will be easier for me. That's what you want. So do it. Do it now.

"Then you and Quatre would not have found asylum in my kingdom, would have you? Certainly not from anywhere else considering the five of you are now rebels in the eyes of every Earth and Colony faction. I'm sure my brother, Milliardo, would welcome you - wherever he is. No. The Sanc Kingdom is the only place that will have you, and the reason for that is based upon principle. If you want me dead, at least wait until I have an heir. Then you can kill me. You can even kill me twice. "

I expected it, but I still feel the sting, and tears of acceptance burn the back of my eyelids. I force them to remain open. If I close them now, the tears will fall. I'm not hurt. Not really. I know you don't mean what you say. And perhaps in another life, maybe I would have been the one to give you an heir. In my dreams, I will keep you and our children. They are just as beautiful as you. And just as pure.

You turn away and retreat near the bed. I can't - I WON'T take my eyes from you. It has hurt you to say those words to me. You should be satisfied, Relena. You believe you have saved me pain. That's what you wanted… I wish I could make that true for you. Just to make you feel you have done something good for me. That would make you feel better, would it not? But it doesn't, does it? I can see that by the way you hold yourself rigidly, hoping that you have freed me by caging yourself. No. I cannot - WILL not allow that. I will not permit you to think that leaving you tomorrow can be made painless by any group of insignificant words you say. I die tomorrow, Relena. If not in body, than in spirit.

Something inside me stretches and refuses to slacken as your mind retreats to a hidden shelter within you. And then, I realize. You are trying to protect me. Not only my feelings - but me. You don't wish to distract me because you fear my death would soon follow. Relena, the only way I can perish is if you are taken from me. Don't fear for me. Death is a consequence of life, and it comes for us all. If you must fear something, fear death will find me before I have a chance to live. Before I can love you freely.

My chest constricts and I feel the strain of muscles pulling against bone. My vision swims and I can no longer feel my own weight. No. That won't happen. No! I will live, Relena. I love you too much to succumb to anything else. I promise you. I will survive.

I stagger with the blow of realization as my body relaxes into my vow, and the air is able to puncture my brain bringing clear thoughts once again. Strange. I never feared my own death before. I suppose it didn't matter because I didn't believe I had a soul. Now, faced with that which I believed I lacked, death seems different. I never sought death as others may have assumed. I always wanted to live. I still wish to live. But.. life seems so much more than the success of a mission or the protection of the innocent now. Life has meaning beyond victory. I can only hope enough of me will live through tomorrow to keep the will behind my vow strong. Epyon will try everything it can to destroy it, though. And to destroy me.

I stand where you've left me, baking in the embers of forbidden dreams, and look at you. A tear finally finds its way down my cheek, and time stands still as it falls endlessly to plunk silently on the floor. The ripples it causes forms a shroud, and my mind is swallowed by blackness. Consciousness folds and churns in a hazy limbo - and somewhere far away, I watch you violently clench your eyes shut, feebly trying to press the memory of me out of your brain. Reality warps yet again around my shaky existence, and a single thought comes to me. Tears. Their only purpose is to die. But in their death, they take with them the pain and suffering of the one who abandoned them to their fate. Is that why your body cries for me while your tears stay hidden? I have become the tears you refuse to shed. I have become your symbol. But I have promised you that I will not die. Believe in me, Relena. What I say is true - it has been true the moment our eyes met on the beach so long ago. And though I didn't know it then, I thought to protect you by pushing you away. Why should you suffer? Don't you know that all around me suffer the way I suffer? I suppose it's too late. It's obvious my chance of walking away now is as great as my ability to carry out the threat of putting a bullet into your brain.

So why can I not move to hold you? Why do I still feel the pain? Why do I still suffer?

Because you are trying to push me from your mind behind compressed eyelids. You have already given up on me. You have let me go.

I feel my stomach twist, and taste bitterness as bile rises and flows into my mouth. My hands become fists at my sides, nails digging into skin, and I can feel my teeth tearing into the flesh of my lips. The breath rips from my lungs with angry heat, and I can sense myself shaking fiercely. I don't want you to release me. Why would you wish such a thing? Open your eyes! See me! I don't want to hide from you any longer! Can't you see me? Can't you see my tears are for you? Can't you see that I will NOT let this happen any more? I will stand by and be a victim of destiny No. Longer. Too much has already been taken from me. Damn fate. And damn me for allowing this to continue as long as it has. It happens now. Either I will condemn myself to Hell eternally, or I will find salvation and tear my existence as it has been until this moment to pieces. But it happens now.

Resolved and determined, I walk over to you. My steps are slow and deliberate. Solid. Even so, I am dazed. What the hell has happened to make me feel light headed and weightless? Why the air has lodged itself in my chest, causing it to abandon my starving limbs? I blink to clear my fogged mind. None of that matters now. Everything screams that this is what it has all been for - the war, the killing, the abandonment of my own humanity. THIS is why I became what I've become. This is why I gave up peace - defended the defenseless so that they could have what I was denied. This is why I could never regret what I have done. This is why I walked away from all that was beautiful, killing myself slowly with every whispered goodbye. This is why I stayed standing long enough to protect one more time, even when I became too broken to understand why. This is why I never killed you. This is why I can now afford to understand what you keep trying to give me - without regret, and without hesitation.

This is why I am kissing you now.

Relena…

My arms wind themselves around you, and I find myself lifting you slightly upwards so that I can drink from you. I can't get enough of you. I want to taste you, breathe you, take you inside me. I feel you mold to my form, becoming one with the contours of my body. You are the ocean, and I am parched. I gulp you desperately, taking with my thirst the turmoil of our tortured souls. Just let me hold you close. Let me find freedom inside you. Without you, I will fall. Without you, I would throw myself down. My salvation. My Relena.

My lips envelop yours in warm, fervent desperation. When did everything become so clear? When did I leave the lonely, hollow blackness of limbo? When did haziness lift to allow crisp awareness to worm its way into my brain? I don't care. Whatever has happened, my only wish is to remain shrouded in this bliss as the slow fire flows through me and burns away all things not made of you.

Time. Time wraps around us gently, slowing itself so that we can live within it's grasp for eternity. Oddly, I find that I can still focus on the things swimming outside of us. It's strange and magnificent.. I am aware of everything so acutely. The soft rain drops as they patter sweet melodies against the glass of the window. The halo of moonlight as it bathes the room in soft iridescence, bending reality in mischievous angles as the dust dances in peculiar patterns. How confusion is held at bay from the gilded oak door I walked through, sheltering us from the harsh reality of war with solid resolve. How the canopy falls from the bed frame in soft, billowing curves - beckoning to us in a gentle lull, inviting us to embrace while promising to veil the story of our love. The way we float above the floor in quiet tranquility, the heated air of passion keeping us aloft. The way our hearts pound, yet slowly synchronize to leap in harmonious rhythm. The cold silkiness of your hair as each strand plays between my fingertips. The light intake of air through your parted lips before I drown in you once more - and how it causes my skin to prickle when it is let out again, warm and exhilarating. How your eyelashes caress my cheeks in butterfly kisses, sending electric shocks of chilled pleasure throughout my body. How your arms cling to me, urging me to pull you in and take you in to me with the air. The way your lips beg me to dip into yours again and again as though you were a well. The searing intoxication of your smell, wrapping around me and inciting a need for you that I have only known in my most fevered dreams. The way your body moves beneath your clothes, and how they enhance the grace that follows you as they cling to your perfection. The way I have come to exist as one with you in this timeless reality.

My hands are finally able to obey the one desire that has ever been deeply imbedded in me. I cannot help but to notice everything to the slightest detail…I want this to be slow. I want this to last. If I never have the chance to love you like this again, I want this to be enough.

I will never have enough.

Relena.

Your hair parts, and I caress the softness of your skin as I move my fingers, freeing you from your dress. I feel the blood ooze from my senses and swell in my heart as you take in a breath to gasp into my lips. I smile, and I savor the sensation of goose pimples on your flesh. I tease you by taking your trembling bottom lip between my teeth, and try to tame your shaking by holding you closer. You open your eyes and look deeply into mine. I can see quiet pleading echoing in the endless aquamarine that has sheltered my turbulent soul for so long. They are begging for release and understanding, for completion. I feel no fear. There is no war. No regret, no hesitation. Just you. And my love for you. You blink once, and I know.

You see me. Thank God, you finally see me.

I take my lips away, and my breath betrays me by shaking. I drink you in hungrily, and guide the dress over your hips with careful attention, letting it fall in a pool at your feet. It is as if your soul stands before me, exposed and unrestrained. No more do I see the frail spirit of one made weak from heartache. In the place of shattered dreams, I see strength. I see love. I see hope enough for the whole world.

I see me.

I reach out to caress your hair, and kiss the ends before replacing the strands behind you. The feel of your skin beneath my fingers is enough to splinter my sanity. I cup your jaw with my fingers, and motion you towards the bed with a movement of my eyes. As contact is broken, prickling chills overtake me., but I am only aware of the promise that you will soon warm me once more. I wait for you to settle on the softness of the mattress, and pause for your eyes to find me. I don't know why - I can only say that weight disappears when your eyes are on me, and I become free. And I soar.

And so I have, and so I do.

As I pull the clothes from my body, I am overwhelmed with a sense of your mirth. I can't help but react to your glee, and I feel a grin tug at the corner of my lips. Silent laughter and jovial love bubbles forth from my rib cage, and I gaze in your direction waiting for explanation. It seems you are amused at how I removed my shirt. So, I toss the shirt carelessly to the floor and quietly pose for you momentarily in the moonlight. Your delight is replaced by a sharp intake of breath, and I can feel more than see that your eyes have filled with tears. My heart gently throbs, and I shift my weight to contain it. Am I so beautiful to you? Is that possible? Yes. Yes it is - because you are seeing the part of me that is you. The only beauty that I have is yours.

Relena…

My gaze melts over your form as it follows the path of your curves. After they have been fed, my eyes finally come to rest comfortably on the buttons of my jeans. I watch as one by one, the spherical metal pieces part between my fingers with exaggerated slowness. The thick of heat between us seems to assist me as I pull the material slowly over my hips. I can feel you close your eyes to the fever. Yes...I know it.. almost too much to bear, but desperate to thrive and consume. I breathe in deeply and taste the air. Intoxicating. Volatile. Obsessive.

I feel more than hear the ragged breaths that tear at your lungs, begging for freedom. I cradle you with my eyes, and watch over you as you lower your head to your chest in the attempt to gain back control. Submission. I know it well. Fighting this is futile, Relena. Love is agitated and restless, and will not overlook even the slightest, most subtle resistance, or allow any escape once its claws have punctured. But you know that. You aren't fighting. You are laying yourself down, and letting it all consume you. And I am coming to join you. At last.

I place my weight lightly on the bed, but you raise your head and look towards me. Your breathing comes easier, and your eyelids begin to open slowly - as though they are heavy and are resisting. Then, they are open and on me, and I find myself dizzy and enchanted. You cry out softly, timidly, and soft tears glide a gentle path down your cheek. I want so much to liberate them, keep them safe from the death they suffer to take your pain. Instead, I burn your face, radiant and pure, into my mind just as you appear now. No longer will you cry for me, I will not allow you pain enough. No longer will you hide; I will not allow you to protect me at the cost of your heart. No longer am I a symbol; I am only a soldier and a man, one whom you love, simply. One who simply loves you, Relena. The school girl whose heart and courage captured the whole world, whose heart has captured me. Never have I been as safe as I am held within your love. Never have I felt such strength and calm certainty. Relena. You have given me my soul. And though it lives in me, I give it back to you. In your peace, I can rest within you and know what I fight for is your gift to me. My soul. I have a soul! When I die, it is you who will hold me, my soul, not my anger. You have changed me. From this moment on, I will never be alone. You have brought me redemption.

My breath rises, chilled and anxious to my throat as I move over you to take your lips in mine once again. I feel the subtle calm of gentleness radiate from your body like an aura beneath me, and I yield myself to it as though you were pulling me into you. You arch your back and I am allowed the freedom to caress the hollow of your spine. My fingers search the nakedness of your stomach, thrilled at the zealous chills that pebble your skin. I find my hand cup the soft fabric of satin that covers the flesh of your breast, and I move it beneath you to twist the clasp I find there, releasing the material. Your breath, liberated from the tightness of your rib cage, kisses my cheek and ruffles my hair. I put my lips against the curve of your neck and breathe in your scent. Holding you to me, I move my right hand to the elastic lining of your panties, and pull them off slowly with gentle caresses. I feel your hold on me relax, and I stretch myself to allow you to explore the mountains and planes of my back with the touch of your fingertips. I bury myself into the feel of you and capture you in another kiss. I feel you shudder and gasp with the contact, and I smile against your lips. You smile back, and my body heats and melts to conform itself around you as you deepen the kiss.

I create a space between your legs with my hand, and our weight shifts as I move to occupy that space. I change my mind and instead give you only half my mass, and the rest lies pressed against your side on the bed. I take the hand that rests between your thighs and explore the curls of auburn blond hair, and spread the warm folds of flesh to find the inviting moistness below. I feel your surprise, and raise my head to look at you. I will not permit myself further without your consent. You seem more interested in my expression than alarmed with my actions, so I allow your gaze to penetrate mine. In return, I pierce the thick love of your eyes, and look for the emotion beyond - hot anticipation and quaking desire that is only surpassed by a love and trust that fills my body with a need to break it against me, recreate it as my own. You seem to sense my caution, though, and shyly smile before you reach up to capture my lips with your own. I take this as permission, but still I am wary. So, I continue my exploration of you slowly, afraid that my desire will be too much for you, will drown you, destroy you in its flame. Instead, you reach down with a delicate hand, take mine into your own, and guide my fingers into your depth. I don't know if you have tensed or I, but an electric pulse tears through me, and I fight for control. Slowly, I recover, and push my fingers into you as gently as I can. This time, I'm sure it is you who tremble, and you break the kiss to hiss softly in my ear. You clutch to me as though I were your strength and not the other way around, and your hiss evolves to a husky moan before you take the lobe of my ear between your teeth. My vision blurs, and with a renewed hunger, I delve into the hollow of your neck, stabbing you with heated kisses along your collar bone and jaw. My fingers move within you with increasing speed, and as you arch your back, I feel your muscles quiver in answer. The breath rips from you lungs jaggedly, heating the air around you, but bathing me with cool relief. As my hand moves against your wetness, the other explores the curves and valleys of your fevered flesh, desperate to keep up with the need that threatens to overtake me.

What's happening to me? Why do I feel like I'm drowning? You take my face in your hands and tilt my head until our eyes meet. They are haunting me. I could break under that gaze, and I will. Just hold me closer and I will.

Eyes on mine, I take my fingers from inside you, and shift my weight so that you are now completely under me. You surprise me by reaching down and gently guiding me to your warmth. I smile down at you and see you smile back meekly. Now. Now I will fill you. At last I will fill you. I slide my eyes half way closed and feel my body tense with the urge to unleash the fury, but I fight for control. I can sense that you are not afraid, but you are anxious and your hold on me tightens. I gently push into you, desperate not to lose myself too quickly. This is all of you I can take with me. I want it to last. I hear a strangled cry gurgle in the back of your throat, and your body tightens around mine in an attempt to adjust for my invasion. I stroke your hair, trying to relax you, and wait for your breathing to slow, your heart to calm. When you've done so, I brace myself once again, take in a long breath, hold it, and push into as gently as I can. This time, you knew what to expect, and have opened yourself to me. As I break passed your boundary, a dull throb forms that is born from the folds of your skin where I am, to the base of my spine, up and around my gut, and all the way to my lungs. My head explodes in a blur of giddiness and drowns me in a world saturated in white. I've forgotten how to breathe. I know longer need to. You've become my air, my life. All I see, all I smell, all I taste is you. You are all around me, you are all I feel. I hear your breath ripple about me, extending out from me, completing me, roaring what life is meant to be inside veins that have only known the pulse of cold blood until now.

Relena.

As we move joined together in our new world of white, I bury my head against the hollow of your neck. Here, I whisper the one word that is forever on my lips, in my mind, tearing through my soul. Your name. You tighten around me and thrust your hips down on me, suddenly desperate to have as much of me inside as possible. I hear soft whimpers come from my open mouth and do nothing to stop myself. You have liberated me, and it thrills me to tell you so. Your fingers dig into my back - my skin burns with your touch. If I die in your arms, may my ashes smolder at your feet for all time. Your tears will wash over me, banishing the pain, and leaving only the fire filled coals of love.

Heat rushes through my veins now, and electric volts prick against my skin. I feel my throat grow raw with the jagged groans that rip past my lips to graze your ear. My hands grip your hips and lift your body to meet mine with every thrust. Deeper. I need to be deeper inside. You try to arch your back, and out added weight held only by your shoulder blades becomes too much despite your legs wrapped around me and your nails trailing hot paths down my back.

No. Not like this. I can't give in yet. I want all of you, and I will have it.

I lower you back onto the bed slowly, and the sheets bunch underneath you, hot and sweaty. I capture your gaze with my own, and will my movements to slow, become more controlled. Your eyes hold mine captivated with clear and unsheltered love, and the passion of a soul newly born. I can't help but with to touch that purity, and my fingers rise to caress your cheek, play with the strands of your hair. Your eyes have filled with tears, and as they pave crystal rivers down your cheek, I kiss them away and gently blow to dry the wetness and cool your burning skin. When my lips have found your ear, I take a moment to breathe in your scent before I whisper your name once again.

Now. Now I can take all of you.

With new exaggerated slowness, I pull most of the way out of you and hesitate briefly before plunging into you as far as I can. Again and again. Your back arches fully to meet me, and as you close your eyes, I can feel the building sensations of pulsating waves begin to crash over you. And your voice. Your melodious voice fills the room in open, guttural cries. So beautiful… your head thrown back, your hair cascading wildly over the pillow, your half open eyes glazed and unseeing.. I try to heighten your passion by caressing you lightly all over your body. You toss your head, and as your breasts lunge in the air, I cover a swollen nipple with my mouth and tease it with my eager tongue. The thumb of one hand funds a sensitive spot between your hip and thigh, and I press into the flesh causing you to buck and raise yourself into my next thrust. My mouth works its way from your throat to your haw, covering you with kisses before I devour your lips with my own. I can feel your muscles tremble forcefully, and your breaths are coming in short, gasping bursts. Your head moves from side to side as though consciousness were coming and going, your nails dig into my flesh, and you push yourself down my length. You draw in a serrated breath and pause… and with a short, frenzied cry of release, your body gives in to the flood. I tense as your form writhes beneath mine, but I can no longer hold myself. My mind screams, and yet is frozen. My body buries itself into yours. One more agonizing heave and another, and I…stop. Paralyzed deep within you.. a searing breath tears its way out of my lungs, and I withdraw one last time. As I drive into you, I give in completely to the maelstrom of excruciating fire and searing white rawness that claws its way through me, fatal and ruthless, exposing and violating all that it touches. I pull out and push into you once more, than twice, and I feel the warmth of my life overflow and spill into you. I never imagined love could be so merciless, so unbearable. I never knew love would be so complete, so full of rapture.

You hold me, kissing my neck, my shoulders, any exposed flesh you have the energy to reach, and let the after shocks slowly fade. When they have, I stop moving inside you, but I don't leave you. Instead, I lie myself down atop you as tenderly as I can, breathing heavily. I almost fall asleep listening to the steady beat of your heart, but after a time, I raise my head to capture your lips in one last kiss before releasing you to lie down once more. You seem comfortable with all my weight on you, so I'm content with use just looking at each other. I've never feel such exhaustion. I've never felt such simple and complete peace.

When I roll off of you and on to my back, I cradle your head on my shoulder and we sleep. For the first time in our lives, we finally sleep. All is as it should be, all is at peace.

**************************************************************** *********************

I awake to a hazy light lazily spreading outside the window, still to weak to be called dawn. To most it would still be dark, to me, I have three hours - maybe four before sunrise. I rise from the comfort of the covers, gentle so that I will not wake you, and make my way over to the window, recovering my pants on the way and hastily putting them on. The room is still thick with the heat of our bodies, and it tries to lull me back to your side and back into sleep. Instead, I rest my forehead on the cool glass of the window, and as it's too dark to see my reflection, I look passed the glass to the splendor of the moon bathing the Sanc with calm, mellow light. This. This is my mission. Not one given to me, but one I've chosen. I will protect this place of peace. I will protect you so that your message will have the chance it needs to reach those who will listen. To those who won't, I will find them. They are your enemies, and so, they have become mine. Today, it begins. Today, I will face my enemy and destroy or be destroyed.

Your form shifts on the bed, and I glance behind me to see if you still sleep. You are blanketed in shadow, but your breathing is still and even. Yet…

You callout my name, hushed and pleading, as though you sense even in your dreams that I have gone from your side. I feel myself flinch at the misery in your voice, and I force myself to relax. I can't afford to comfort you because if I wake you, I don't think I can find the strength to leave. I must leave. How else am I to protect you? But then you call out for me again. Can't I? Can't I touch you just once more? Protect your dreams? Softly, so softly you'll only feel it within the dream that frightens you.. I shouldn't, but my heart demands it. And though I long to see your eyes softly shining their love for me, I will content myself with just a simple, slight caress. I find myself walk slowly, quietly to where you lie and drink the site of you in.

I brush the hair from your face, imagining your eyes are open, and lean down to kiss you on your forehead. I'm not surprised, not really - when instead of kissing your forehead, I find that you have reached up to meet my lips with yours. My chest expands with a surge of blood pumping through my heart too fast for it to cope with. My soul.. is.. drowning. I can't breathe! I can't fight… I'm being pulled under with the current, smothering under the force of your desperation. Your need to love me enough in this one moment in case this is the only chance you will ever have. And so I dive into you and accept the weight of your soul. I cherish it.

Relena.

It's too much! Relena!

But.. but I want it. I want it all.

When we part, I feel that a part of my sanity has splintered away from me and shattered in the darkness. Part of me keeps fighting the inevitable, but weakens as submission forces its way over me. My heart's hammering slows as it's rage is replaced with devastation. This can't be. I knew what was at stake! I'm stronger than pain! So why do I feel so far away from reality? Why do I feel like I've fallen passed the recesses of hell to land on an expanse of flat, lifeless sea of arctic ice? Barren and unreal, yet demanding my sense of truth and certainty in its unyielding vastness..

My soul. My soul is going to snap. And.. and I can do nothing to stop it.

I'm.. too.. weak… Relena.

Help.

And instead of throwing your arms around me, trying to comfort me with an embrace that will just be taken away again, you smile. Your beautiful smile. A smile that shows me strength and understanding. I don't see tears mocking my weakness, laughing that I was powerless and frail. I see hope, love. I see that you believe in me. You believe in me.

By breath comes back to me harshly through clenched teeth, and my lids thaw enough so that I can blink a tear from each eye. But my tears are not needed. You believe in me. I will survive, and I will come back to you.

My vision clears, and I look into your troubled eyes. I see your question burning inside. You want me to stay, but will not ask. If you did, it would crush me to refuse you. But this is the only way. Our enemies are coming, Relena. I have to destroy them. I need to destroy them all.

You blink, and your pupils dilate. Have you found something safe to say? Some last bit of comfort I can take with me before I go? You answer my question by taking a breath and opening your mouth. Although I long to hear those words…

"…"

I put my fingers to your lips and find a grin tugging at the corner of my own.

"Sssssshhhhhh…."

I know how you feel. I feel it, too. I also know that now is not the time. If it were said, leaving would be impossible to bear. I can't afford to be distracted or my vow to survive could be compromised. We are strong. We will make it through this war and find each other. Now, out silence binds us to that pact. When the war is over, when you are safe, I will come back. I will have the freedom to hold you until after sunrise, and you can cradle me and whisper love to me all you wish. Quatre knows. It was his idea to come here. Maybe he knew all along. That's why he allowed me no excuse until I agreed to say goodbye to you. Maybe he knew this would happen. Maybe it needed to happen. He knew I needed it, probably more than you did. The others likely know as well. Maybe they will find strength from you as I have. You have given them a reason to fight, something to protect and live for when this chaos is done. Peace is an ideal, but they believe in you as I do. They will keep our secret and give their lives to protect it. To protect you. You are our light. You are our freedom.

**************************************************************** *********************

I watch you fall asleep and cradle you until sleep overtakes you. This time, I make sure not to wake you, but as I'm leaving, something overwhelms me and I stop. I turn back towards you, buttoning the last few catches of my shirt. You wanted to give me something to take with me. I'll take your heart, then. I reach behind your hair to gently unclasp the locket that rests between your breasts. You often finger it to bring strength, though you probably don't realize it. Now, I'll wear it next to my own heart. It will remind me of what we discovered wrapped in each other's arms, of your love reverberating from your eyes to wash over me, of you. We may be apart, but we can never be alone. I have locked you within the walls of my heart and mind, and you have me inside you as well. With a wistful smile, I put the locket over my head and let it fall to its place under my shirt. It's time to go. With one last lingering look at you, I kiss my fingertips, touch them to your lips, and turn towards the oak door that cradled my turbulent thoughts a millennia ago.

**************************************************************** *********************

The zero system. I couldn't fight it any longer. After the peace I felt being with you, I didn't want the fury sizzling through my veins, taking away my humanity, my soul. Taking away the part of me that's you. I almost made it. Almost. But Epyon knew… it knew precisely what to show me to win me back. I've never before tasted true and absolute fear. Fear… twisting crooked and gnarled paths of blood and horror up my spine, digging into the soft flesh of my guts and freezing my breath inside me. And.. and rage. Utter rage that tears the skin back in massive chunks to reveal the clotted disease of puss and infection that war brings. Rage that demands a price be exacted in spattering blood and splintering bone. Hurling pain. Crushing life. Rage that still has unbreakable hold on me.. so much so that you have been forced to retreat to the darkest parts of my mind, too pure to be corrupted by this plague of wrath and destruction.

Relena. Forgive me. I can't allow the Sanc to be destroyed. Can't you see? I CAN'T allow you to die! I won't fight it any more. I MUST protect you… you and.. and my son. I must…

I must find my enemy.

Where is my enemy?!?