Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ My Statue ❯ She Remembers ( Chapter 5 )

To: Alisa Grimm, staff writer
Colony House Books, Inc
From: T. T. Bloom, Producer
The Greatest Show in the Universe
Date: February 21, A.C.213
Re: Biography

Good Evening, Ms. Grimm. Thank you for your kind and encouraging note. I promise I will try to pick less harrowing spots in the future to leave off. Frankly, I'm surprised my poor writing has you so interested. Let us continue then.

What happened the next few days is my own idea of what hell must be like. Breakfast with Missy was now completely out of the question. So by keeping busy, I could try not to have to see her all day. Now that I knew the truth about myself, I no longer trusted myself around her.

Cathy brought me lunch in my office everyday. She never really said anything, but she looked worried. I think she believed that I didn't love Missy, so she didn't understand my behavior. And I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell anyone. Except...

"Someone is in love with Missy?" asked Quatre through the vid-phone.

I nodded.

"Who?"

"One of the performers." I wasn't brave enough to speak the truth, not even with my best friend.

"But there's a problem? Don't you approve of this fellow?" He had a suspicious twinkle in his eye.

"Well, she's still a victim with amnesia. Perhaps a relationship might not be healthy for either of them?"

"Well, have you considered the possibility that she may never get her memory back?"

"Never?"

"It's possible."

I said nothing.

"I think a relationship would only help her. Even if it doesn't work out, she needs to go on living. She's become a strong person in your circus. I don't think she'll revert if her heart is broken, if that's what you are worried about." Quatre fingered his moustache. "I have hundreds of shelters for these victims. We give them counseling, sure, but nothing helps like building a normal life. Job, education, friends and love help them to heal more effectively than anything we can provide. My advice is don't interfere with them. Just be supportive. Be her friend."

"Be her friend," I repeated. Not possible.

He watched me from his side of the screen. His eyes missed nothing, not even on my emotionless face.

"It's you, isn't it?" he asked.

I said nothing. Could I tell him? I looked away, then back. I gave a quick nod.

"I thought there was something there last time I visited. When you gave up your side of the bet." He smiled that gentle smile of understanding. "Well, what are you going to do?"

"Nothing."

"But why? Didn't you hear what I just said? A relationship would be good..."

"I hired her!" Now he would understand.

He only thought a moment. "Then fire her!"

"Be serious!"

"I am. If that's the only thing that keeps you from happiness destroy it."

"I just got done making her into a trapeze artist!"

"So hire her again after you marry her."

"Marry!" My heart skipped a beat. Fear or joy, I couldn't tell.

"Just planning on a fling were you?"

"No! I just hadn't thought that far." Now that the issue was on the table, I did think about it. Was I interested in marriage? My wife. Missy Bloom. I'd like you to meet my wife, Missy Bloom. Quatre laughed at me and I realized I must have a dopey grin on my face. My bubble burst.

"I've never seen you like this, Trowa. Love is good for you!"

"I'm not sure if I can do this."

"So take it slow, think about it for a while. Make sure your feelings are true. But don't build stupid little obstacles." Quatre grinned at me, pleased with himself for solving all my problems so efficiently.

"What if it doesn't work, I'll have to work with her..."

"You are the producer! Move her to one of the other three shows. You'll never need to see her again. It's simple."

"Yeah..." Why could he see my life better than I could?

After I got off the phone, life never looked better. I felt like going six places at once. I stood up and paced the room trying to gather my thoughts. This week was crunch week. We had full rehearsal both morning and afternoon. During the evenings we could still make small changes and polish the acts but the end was in sight. By Thursday, we'd be doing dress rehearsals. On Saturday at 7 pm, we'd have the friends and family show. Best audience of the year and the most forgiving.

As much as I wanted to rush into this, I decided that this week was not a good time to destroy our concentration. And if she rejected me...I shuddered. Well, I didn't need that before the show in front of all my friends.

What could I do? I wanted to do something. I would take Quatre's advice, I would take it slow. I would watch and listen to my feelings. I never attacked anything without recon, this would be no different. But that meant one thing. That meant I had to destroy those stupid gossip rules. Who cared if people thought we were in love? I didn't. Not anymore.

I knew just how to do it too. I went to the cafeteria. She was still there with Cathy and Gwen. I hadn't really looked at her since she signed her contract. I stopped at the door and just stared. She was wearing her leotard covered with running suit pants like most of the women did. Cathy and Gwen were talking but Missy ate slowly, gazing out the window.

Now that I was here, my courage failed me. Quatre's words still hovered at the back of my mind, but I still felt hesitant about that first step. I risked so much to take it! Come on, the rational part of me said, it's not like you are going to ask her to love you today.

Right.

"Missy, can I talk with you?"

All three of them looked startled to see me there. Missy more than the rest. Cathy and Gwen looked at Missy with curiosity.

"Sure," she said, getting up.

I lead her over near the wall and out of earshot of Cathy and Gwen. As I turned to face her, she looked up at me and her beauty struck me. How I'd missed looking at her, talking to her, being near her. Something inside me ached. How could I have given up breakfast?

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

No, I thought, everything is working perfectly. "Yes, first of all, I'm sorry for missing breakfast these past few days."

"You don't need to apologize. You left a note. I knew you had work to do."

I nodded, "But the real reason I needed to talk to you was I just realized something."

"What?"

"We don't need to worry about gossip anymore?"

"We don't?"

"No, you see, you signed the contract. You are hired, so the main worry is gone. My goal for you in the circus has been met, so there's no need to give up our friendship."

"But won't it still make you uncomfortable to have such a rumor being said?"

"Yes, but I can live with it, if you can."

"I can." She smiled.

I smiled back. This was right. It felt right. And that moment I wanted very much to hug her and spin her around like happy people do. I was at war with myself. Wanting so much to touch her and hold her, but I was still listening to that rational part that reminded me I was going to take it slow and not start anything this week.

After a pause, she said, "Have you eaten?"

My lunch sat in a bag at Cathy's elbow as she and Gwen whispered and looked at us. "No, Cathy has my lunch."

She looked at it and her face fell. "Oh you have to work through lunch."

"No, I can put work off." I watched her face light up. A whole fleet of Mobile Dolls couldn't induce me to leave at that moment.

We talked that lunch of all the things we'd wanted to tell each other on the breakfasts we'd missed. I listened to her talk of how nervous she was about the first performance. I told her about my first performance, about freaking Cathy out so she cut me. Never act indifferent to death when someone is throwing knives at you. I made her laugh.

But the real world intervened as it always does and we rushed over to the afternoon run through. I watched her whole act, like I hadn't let myself do before. I tried to picture what her costume would be like. That afternoon, Fouhy had finally reviewed all the costumes and rolling props. He had a list up for the order of the final parade. The dancers and the ringmaster had already been practicing the closing song in the rings up until now, but the rest of us were supposed to parade around the rings during it.

Fouhy's office walls were lined with drawings of costumes, pictures of animals, and pictures of props. He moved them around until he was happy. I wondered, as I do every year, why he even bothered? He'd just change it when we finally got our costumes. They are never quite the same as the drawings of them.

I was on the last elephant. I'm always brought out last. The Panzinis were just before me, of course, being as popular as they are. The men rode in the swan shaped car, but the women rode the elephants in front of me. Cathy, who is also very popular, got to lead off the parade and join the ringmaster the center ring. The final song was a duet that they would sing together.

It was a ritzy number, new this year, but sounded like the finales always do. Upbeat, jazzy, and always with words like 'aren't you glad you saw the circus?' or 'The circus is the best show in the Universe'.

Fouhy required more handling as the week progressed. He took to yelling at everyone. I nearly strangled him when he yelled at Missy, but Mister Panzini handled Fouhy so quickly it was amazing. But there were two things that Mister Panzini had that I didn't: the logic of trapeze "She's only fallen once this last week, sir, it happens" and years and years of handling directors "Sir, what about the exchange toss? Do you think we should change it? I mean it's a bit over done..."

Fouhy puffed his little chest out proudly and, like a condescending noble, doled out his requested pearls of wisdom. Mister Panzini paid close attention to Fouhy, exclaiming at how wonderful each bit of advice was. Missy was completely forgotten.

I took notes. What can I say? I needed all the help with old Firecracker that I could get. Mister Panzini was a gold mine of circus wisdom.

After fasting so long without Missy, I was very happy to return to enjoying breakfasts and lunches with her. We seemed to talk as if nothing had happened. I lingered at each meal trying to stay with her as long as possible. Sooner than I expected, it was not enough. I wanted more. I wanted her love. I wanted her. I was beginning to formulate a plan for next week. I was already planning the arrangements for the first public show at a colony of L5.

Her seat on the shuttle was next to Cathy and I. Even though we could no longer keep her in the same hotel suite as us, I got her a room on the same floor, as close to the suites as I could. Which, of course, wasn't close enough. I was spending free time online checking out romantic spots on the colony. I thought we'd start by dating. Romantic dinner, maybe a show. The more plans I made, the more I wanted this week to end.

But my happiness didn't last. One of our show elephants died of old age Wednesday night. This took us by surprise, because the bull elephant had shown no sign of slowing down. But he was a very old elephant and a proud performer until the end. We'd been training his replacement for three years, but the young bull was still a long way from being ready. And we definitely couldn't put a rider on him.

Fouhy, who'd just rearranged the parade once when we'd all got into our costumes, now had one extra elephant rider to put somewhere. He put Mrs. Panzini in the swan car with her family, but that would never do. Green and browns dominated the car because Mister Panzini also wore the earth costume.

Firecracker Fouhy turned beet red and flew into a state, which was quite comical. I worried about the safety of the top button of his shirt. Everyone looked to me to diffuse the situation.

"Mr. Fouhy," I offered, "why not put one of the Panzinis with me?"

"But you'll be limited in motion, Mr. Bloom!"

"Not if you put Kim with me. She's a small girl." I smiled at the man.

"Oh that just will not do!"

"Why not?"

Fouhy stomped over to Kim, took her by the hand and marched her over to me. He stood her beside me. "See?"

"What?"

"You clash!"

My costume that year was a Zoot Suit--a bit like a gangster suit. The baggy pants were wonderful for pratfalls and gymnastics, and the long suit jacket emphasized my movements. Always a good thing for clowning! But the colors were mostly black and red. The pants were vertical stripes in black and red, the suit jacket was black, the shirt was red, and the shoes were black with white spats. To make the picture complete, I had a fat black necktie covered in sequins, Polka dot spenders, and two long chains hooked from belt loop to belt loop across my hip.

"Oh. Then perhaps the animal trainers car?" I suggested.

"That would separate the Panzinis!"

"Perhaps we can find another car for me?"

Fouhy pressed his temples and looked more like a firecracker about to explode than ever, "No, No, NO! That's not my vision!"

I said nothing. Directors! You'd think someone ruined his whole life.

Finally, he looked up. "That's it! I'll just put one of the Panzinis with you!"

You'd think he thought of it. He called the other three ladies over to try their costumes next to mine. I hoped that he would choose Missy, of course.

Her air-theme costume was stunning. White, mostly, with soft feather trim. It had a mixture of light blue and pale pink sequins that wrapped each leg, swirled up the belly and exploded on the chest. Long scarves dripped like fringe from each arm. With her soft halo of golden hair, Missy looked like an angel. I never got tired of looking at that costume.

I thought it would look just fine next to my black and red one. But of course, I was not the artistic director. I was not the color and presentation expert he was, as he reminded me frequently.

None of the costumes pleased him. And he let us know too, in a long-winded rant. I looked with pleading at Mister Panzini: could he please handle Fouhy again?

He got the message. "Mr. Fouhy, sir, we can all see that this problem will take a least a day for an expert like yourself to consider all the possibilities. We realize that an artist such as you should not be rushed!"

"Well yes, I'm so glad someone understands!" Fouhy glared at me, obviously I was someone who did not understand!

"So why don't you just let Missy ride with Mr. Bloom, for now, and take as long as you need to come up with the proper solution."

Did I mention how much I liked Mister Panzini?

"Oh very well!" snapped Fouhy. "But they look like a damned wedding couple! Black and white!"

"It's just for now, I'm sure you'll solve this difficult problem soon," I said, taking a page from Mister Panzini's book. Anything but keeping the entire circus from just standing around!

"Very well, then." Fouhy clapped. "Places please!"

Missy and I walked to my elephant. I was secretly congratulating myself on the situation. Not to mention, feeling a little heady at the fact that she and I looked like a 'wedding couple'. I felt that dopey grin returning and it was a triumph of my long-standing mastery of facial expressionless to contain it.

When we were out of earshot, Missy giggled. "How did you put up with him for so long?"

"You see now why I was complaining," I said.

She nodded.

The trainer was standing next to my elephant-'Friendly.' At a command, Friendly kneeled down to let us on. I got up first, then I turned to Missy.

"Missy, grab on." I held out my hand.

But she didn't. She froze, just staring at me. No, through me. I looked behind me. Nothing. When I looked back her hands were on her face and she was looking down. Slowly, her body collapsed beneath her and she sunk to the mat.

I don't remember getting down. I had her by the shoulders. "What is it? Are you okay?"

No response.

"Missy!" I gave her a little shake.

She looked up then. "I remember." She pushed away from me, stood up and walked away towards the wall where Anna and Gwen were standing.

I followed, but Fouhy suddenly appeared beside me. "What's the problem Mr. Bloom?"

I looked at him. "A health issue, run the end without us."

"But..."

"Now!" I said firmly, fixing the fool with my glare. I still have the ability to look at someone in such a way that they feel I'm figuring out the best way to kill them. He rushed off.

Gwen and Anna were next to Missy when I came over. They ushered her out of the room and into the cafeteria. Anna was holding Missy's hand.

"But that's wonderful, Missy! We'd hoped you'd get your memory back." I heard Gwen say as I followed them. They settled her at a table. I stood behind, wondering what I should do.

"Now you can tell us your name," Anna said.

"Mildred," Missy said. "My name is Mildred."

Gwen smiled, "Well, that makes sense doesn't it? You must've gone by Millie which is why you answered to Missy!"

"No," said Missy, still staring into nothing. "My little brother Alex couldn't pronounce Mildred. He called me Middie, and it stuck."

I froze. I'd known someone named 'Middie' before. But this couldn't be her. It couldn't be.

"Well, where are you from?" Gwen asked.

"St. Petersburg, I was born there."

It couldn't be her, something in me screamed. It just couldn't be. But I had fought in a rebel group in that part of Russia. I had met a Middie there. I moved around the table and sat across from her. I was almost afraid to ask, but I had to know, "What is your family name?"

"Une."

My world flipped on end. It was her! Middie Une, the girl who taught me to hate. The girl who I regretted not killing every time I thought of the captain. The only father I ever knew. She was the girl I let kill him. I'd known what she was, and I didn't stop her. After the captain died, I had a chance, one chance to kill her. Middie. The spy. But I couldn't do it.

"What happened to you?" Anna asked

"We were poor. The war was very hard on us, on St. Petersburg. A mobile suit battle destroyed our home and killed my mother and sister. We lived in a slum outside of the city for months. Food and money were gone. My father had an injured leg, but they wouldn't treat him at the hospital-there were too many more seriously injured. I raided dumpsters and blasted homes to feed my three little brothers. I even raided an Alliance base. Three times before they caught me. Instead of killing me, they offered my family money, if I'd do a job for them.

"They were impressed by my ability to get by them you see. My father refused, but I was the one who fed them. I was the one who had to look into my brothers' hungry faces day after day. I took the job."

"What happened?" Anna asked breathless.

"I had to take a transmitter into a rebel camp. I did it. The rebel fighters took me in. I stayed until the Alliance won. But when I returned, the Alliance base was deserted. They had betrayed me, they never planned to give me any money," she said bitterly. She wasn't there in that room anymore. She was back in St. Petersburg.

"I went home." Her eyes got far away, as if reliving the day. "My father...daddy...I found your body, Daddy. Somebody shot you. I looked," her voice sounded young, with a slight accent. I knew that voice. It had haunted my nightmares for years.

She continued, "But I couldn't find my brothers, Daddy. Are they dead Daddy? Because I found Alex's teddy bear, he wouldn't leave that behind. Would he?" She reached forward to touch something. "You're so cold, Daddy." She picked up a ghostly hand and held it before her. "What do I do now, Daddy? I used to be different. I used to have you and a job--but now I'm just like him." Tears formed at the corners of her eyes. "But he didn't cry Daddy, he didn't hurt. He was empty." She wiped at her tears like a child does, using the back of her hands. "Noname..."

I hadn't heard that name in years, not since I was a little boy of fourteen or fifteen. It haunted my dreams though. And this--this felt like a dream. I hoped it was. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare and have it not be true. Have it not be that Middie had appeared again to take someone I loved from me.

Anna and Gwen sat stunned and unmoving, just listening to the horrific tale. Behind us, in the other room, the performance sounded so far away. Almost surreal--the bright happy sounds of the circus outside clashed with the memories of horrors of the war.

"Daddy, Noname was right. I'm just like him, and if I go empty...I won't hurt either. I won't hurt either...I won't hurt." Her hands flopped onto the table, and her eyes, which before were gazing on a ghost, now looked at nothing.

She reminded me of the first time I saw her. Gone, lost in horror and emptiness. She was going back there again.

I couldn't let her. "Missy!" I grabbed her hand before I realized what I was doing. "Don't do it! Noname wasn't empty! He never was!" I don't know why I said 'Noname' and not 'me', other than the fact that I'd left that identity behind and did not wish to go back to it.

She slowly turned her head my direction. "He wasn't?"

"No, and you can't be either. You have a job now, and a family." Was I trying to save Missy or Middie? Did it matter? In the heat and panic of that precise moment I had to admit that it didn't.

"Yes," said Gwen, throwing her arms around Missy, "the circus is your family, don't leave us!"

Anna touched Missy's cheek, "Yes, don't leave."

Missy put her other hand on Gwen's arm. She looked at Anna, who put her arm about Missy. "But, it hurts..." she said in the child's voice.

Anna knew what to say. "It needs to hurt. Your father is dead and he needs you to cry for him, he needs you not to be empty, but keep him in your heart." Anna paused. "I lost my father too. He was a soldier in the war. I won't forget him!"

It was like a tidal wave. Something broke in Missy and she clung to the two women. She cried from the heart. Gwen, Anna, and I took her out of there, and back to the suite.

At lunchtime, Cathy arrived. She found Missy and Anna on the couch with Gwen sitting on the floor next to the couch. I stood near the door, just watching. Missy had cried herself out and had fallen asleep with her head in Anna's lap. Gwen had gotten a wet towel and wiped Missy's brow and face. She sat there now, watching her sleep. We hadn't talked to each other.

"What happened to her?" Cathy whispered.

"She remembered." I said, without feeling. I wasn't capable of any feeling at that moment, except for one.

Cathy gasped. "The war?"

I nodded. "And her father's death."

"Poor thing!" Cathy moved to the couch, where she put her arm about Anna's shoulder and gave her a side hug. "Thank you Anna."

Anna nodded, her eyes were red, but I hadn't seen her cry. "I've been there," she whispered.

Cathy reached forward and clasped Gwen's hand, "Thank you, Gwen."

"What should we do now?" Gwen whispered.

"Help me put her to bed."

The three women supported Missy off to her room, and I was alone. Alone with my thoughts. Part of me was glad I never told Missy how I felt, because I didn't feel that way any more. Not for Middie Une. Part of me was angry, angry at losing Missy. But mostly, I felt empty. Like I did that day, when the captain died.

Now that I was alone, I tried to figure out what I should do. What I wanted to do. I didn't know. I didn't know what I wanted to do other than go back and live this day over. To undo whatever it was that I did to bring Middie out. To have my Missy back again. It was a childish wish.

Cathy and the two women came out of the room and she hugged them both and sent them off to lunch. She told them to come back after rehearsal. When they were gone, she looked at me.

What could I tell her?

She looked at me for a long moment. I don't know what she saw, but she said, "You should call Quatre."

She'd barely finished the last syllable before I was out the door. Free!

I would not call Quatre. I knew what he would say. Oh yes. He would tell me to love that girl anyway. He wouldn't understand at all.

I went to my office, but I found I couldn't sit still. I paced back and forth, a thousand thoughts raced though my head.

I hated Middie Une. This was a fact of my being. She was my enemy. She was the Alliance, who I'd fought my whole life. So many times in my life I could've happily gone back to the last time I saw her and pulled the trigger.

As I paced, I wished for things I could not have. I wished to go back to another moment in time-and leave her homeless and crazy in that shelter. I wanted to forget someone I loved named Missy Panzini ever existed.

I felt empty. Missy was gone. She didn't exist anymore. She never did. She was always Middie Une in disguise.

Now I wanted to rip her contract up for another reason! To send her away and never have to look at her again. But I could not do it. I could not fire her for no reason. The contract bound me as much as her. I'd agreed to hire her for one season. And for one season, I was stuck with her. I would discuss moving her with the other three producers as soon as possible, but it would not be easy and I couldn't do it now.

But there was something I could do. I changed all my plans. I moved her room reservation on the L5 colony as far from me as possible. I sat her next to Anna and Gwen on the shuttle. And I canceled all the date arrangements I'd made. Every last one of them.

I would never date Middie Une. I would never love her. I would never forgive her!

I know I promised to pick a better stopping point this time, Ms. Grimm, but I am getting tired. Not only that, but as I write this, I find myself reliving these emotions. They are not comfortable emotions for me. Please forgive me. I must stop.

Yours truly,

T. T. Bloom

"When I look at you, what I always see
Is the face of someone else who once belonged to me" --The Scarlet Pimpernel