Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ My Statue ❯ Finale ( Chapter 7 )

To: Alisa Grimm, staff writer
Colony House Books, Inc
From: T. T. Bloom, Producer
The Greatest Show in the Universe
Date: February 24, A.C.213
Re: Biography

Dear Ms. Grimm, yes I do realize that your deadline is coming soon. I apologize, but I just couldn't find it in me to write more yesterday. I will dedicate myself to finishing the story this time. Even if it means I must stay up all night.

As I promised my worried cast and crew, the show shaped up just fine and disaster was averted for another season as it always is. Saturday rehearsals went just fine, and we were all anticipating the Friends and Family show on Sunday.

Emotions were running high-eagerness, excitement and giddiness. This was especially true for the 'First of May' crowd. We had two new acts and four or five new clowns, not to mention a very excited new elephant.

Missy, when I did see her, did not share in the excitement of the other First of Mays. She was quiet and withdrawn. Despite my conviction, I still felt sorry I'd had to end it yesterday and ruin the fun of the weekend for her. But there was no help for it. I had to do it.

You'd think that something like that would hinder a performance, especially the finale skit. But if you did think that, I'd say you didn't know performers very well. The same thing that lets an extreme introvert become a ringmaster, helps two emotionally drained heart-broken lovers perform as if nothing happened. 'Trowa the Clown' is not me, just like 'Missy Panzini' is not her.

Now to say the person behind the mask was unaffected by her, would be a lie. I'd thought that once things were settled between us, I'd be able to get back to my life. To once again have control over myself. Now that she was unreachable, I would no longer reach for her.

But I was wrong. She still had an effect on me. Whenever I saw her, which was much less now that she wasn't living in the same suite with us, I yearned to kiss her again. And not that stupid clown kiss that left my senses reeling every time I had to do it. A kiss like the one that we had shared when she'd insisted that we dance.

I dreamt of her. Every time I closed my eyes, I felt the press of her lips. I could taste her. But I told myself it would fade. And I almost believed myself.

If I had to pick the top worst days of my life, that Saturday would definitely make the top ten. But Sunday my friends would arrive, there would be laughter, children and good times. Enough to keep my mind off of Missy. I was sure it would help.

Cathy and I planned to get up early that Sunday to meet Quatre and his entourage at the spaceport, which was two hours away, however I was up even earlier. I slept very poorly, and when I did sleep, I dreamt of a beautiful white temptress who begged me to love her.

I went out to the common room but that didn't help. The kitchen was full of memories. Memories of how she cooked and of how the place smelled and sounded with her there. The slight smile she wore as she worked. How I would get up early because I couldn't wait to talk with her, help her, make her laugh.

With a grin, I remembered how she'd bat my hands away from pastries, telling me to wait for Cathy. I'd get them anyway when her back was turned and she'd act disgusted with me.

"No matter how much you stare or smile at it, that coffee pot is not going to turn itself on," Cathy said from behind me. She reached past and pulled out the filter holder, and went to dump it out. "Nor is it going to turn into her."

"Who?"

She glared at me.

"Sorry," I said.

She shrugged, "Well, I don't miss her at all. She overcooked the eggs, had boring conversation, and she has a really annoying laugh…not to mention…"

Cathy played me like a master. I went from zero ice-cold to red-hot. "She does not have an annoying laugh! And she cooked eggs just fine, I've never seen you cook breakfast! And what's wrong with her conversation?"

She suppressed a smile for a moment or two, then burst out laughing.

She got me.

"Oh hell, Trowa, you've got it so bad! Why can't you see it?"

"See what?"

"You're in love. I don't know what this fight is about, neither of you are talking, but I know one thing. You both love each other. Don't you realize how rare that is?" She slammed the pot in place and flicked the coffee maker on.

I said nothing.

She shook her head. "Nothing is worth this agony you two are putting yourselves through."

There was nothing to say. I couldn't explain it to her, because she wouldn't understand. I wasn't sure if I understood it anymore myself. But Missy hated me now and there was no going back.

She looked at me and sighed, changing the subject. "So who's all coming this time?"

"Quatre and all of his children…"

"All sixteen?"

I nodded. "And Heero and his sons."

She smiled happily. "It'll be nice to see him and the boys again."

Heero Yuy, as most people know, is the current Minister of Defense. Cathy and I had become close to his three sons when we watched them for three or four months a few years ago. He complains to this day that we made clowns out of all three of them.

Between Quatre, his family and his servants; and Heero, his family and his bodyguards, I have to book a whole section of seats for the Friends and Family show. And, you'd think I was hosting a summit with the motorcade Heero came with, and Quatre too for that matter.

It still is a strange picture for me. Looking at the most deadly man I've ever known and seeing him and his three sons surrounded by bodyguards. He just smiles and says it comes with the job.

His job and his sons are very important to him, but he's living in the shadow of a great woman. Relena Peacecraft died young, of cancer. The real world cannot tolerate good people for very long it seems. Her eldest son was only six when it happened. She left Heero with a family, and a half completed dream of hers to fulfill. He lived to do it. He's never said it, but I think it's what helped him survive.

Cathy and I were there for him when she died. That was the reason we had the boys here at the circus for nearly half a season. They've never missed a chance to see the show since, and whenever public office lets him, Heero comes too.

But there was something more…and it gave me a chance to turn the tables on Cathy.

"Yes, it will be nice to see them again, and so nice that Heero could get away from…what summit was it?" I asked.

"Colony Police and Preventers on L2."

"Oh, yes." I hid half a smile. "So which school did he send Thomas too anyway?" Thomas was Heero's eldest son.

"Well, he was at St. Gabriel's until the end of September until the Peacecraft Academy opened in the Sank Kingdom."

"Right. He must be…what? Nine or Ten?"

"He just turned eleven last month." She poured herself some coffee. "Honestly Trowa, don't you listen when I tell you these things?"

I shrugged but her answers told me everything, her intimate knowledge of the smallest details of Heero's and the boys' lives. You see, there was one more reason Heero was still such a close friend: Cathy was waiting for him.

We got to the spaceport with nearly an hour to spare. Already an advance party of several of Quatre's servants had arrived and were making arrangements to keep the path clear for him. Reporters were already camped out, and we were glad the servants were there to escort us into the waiting area. We passed reporters making the same speeches they always did when we made public appearances together.

"Quatre Winner, the multi-trillionaire leader of the Winner family is due in town today for his annual trip to see the Greatest Show in the Universe. Mr. Winner is one of the few people allowed to see the exclusive Friends and Family show before the circus' season. As you can see behind me, the circus' producer and friend of Mr. Winner is just arriving. Mr. Trowa Bloom. Mr. Bloom, could we have a few words?"

I walked the path that the servants and bodyguards kept clear. But my public mask was on in full. "Can't talk now, but thank you."

"Mr. Bloom, will Mr. Winner be staying a few days…"

"Mr. Bloom is it true that you and Mr. Winner fought together…"

"Mr. Bloom, why is the circus sponsored by the Winners…"

The servants had trouble holding them back, and it was difficult for Cathy and I to get to the door. I tried to appease them, with the standard rhetoric. "We are just glad he's come to see the show. It's going to be the best show the circus has ever done, our first public performance will be…"

"Mr. Bloom, is it true that the Minster of Defense will also be attending today?"

Damn, how'd they find that out?

"Miss Bloom, is it true you are currently dating the Minister?"

Cathy was embarrassed but only I could tell. She had her public face on too. She smiled and denied that there was a relationship and I pulled her through the doors saying, "No more questions."

"Vultures." I mumbled as we enter the waiting room.

"What makes them think I was dating Heero?"

"Maybe all the times he attends the show?"

"Yes but he's your friend."

"Our friend. Don't worry about it. They're just guessing anyway. Don't they have two other women they guess about too?"

"Yeah, you're right. They think maybe his secretary or one of the teachers at the Peacecraft Academy. I swear, poor Heero has one parent-teacher conference and the tabloids declare him in love!"

I nodded. But I also knew she'd bought that tabloid and read it carefully for real evidence. Then smiled for the rest of the day when she found none.

Quatre and his fourteen daughters arrived right on time. I was immediately swarmed with eager little girls trying to all hug their 'Uncle Trowa' at once. All but two of his daughters were dark brunettes. Dorothy was the only blonde he married, and the only non-Arabian.

I looked around for his two sons, which (whom he had) had said he was bringing. "Where are the boys?"

Quatre smiled. "Their mother can't do without them. Right now, I imagine they're falling all over themselves trying to appease the whims of a pregnant woman."

I grinned and tried to carefully remove the three-year-old attached to my leg.

"Who's pregnant?" Cathy asked.

I looked at Cathy and smirked. "Now who wasn't listening?" I went back to trying to remove the three-year-old.

"Dorothy is," Quatre answered.

Cathy's eyes opened wide in shock. "But who? How?"

Quatre laughed, clearly enjoying the moment. "I'm irresistible, don't you know."

Cathy glared at me, "You never told me that Trowa! You never tell me anything!"

A servant stepped up to help me with the three-year-old, who started a tirade of 'No's. She was just building up to a high volume, when Quatre intervened.

"Maiza!" he said, disapproval sharp in his tone. The little girl quieted with a squeak, and looked so forlorn that to her delight he scooped her up and carried her out to the waiting vehicles.

The other girls were better behaved, all eager to please their father and wary of upsetting him. Funny thing is, I know he wasn't a physical disciplinarian. When asked, he'd tell you that controlling children was a strategy game, and as we all knew, he was a master of strategy games. Besides, his father had 29 daughters, so his main example of being a father was one to daughters.

The girls were placed in three other vehicles, so that the three of us could talk on during the two- hour ride. The paparazzi did attack us on the way out, but Quatre side-stepped them effortlessly.

Cathy pumped Quatre for information on Dorothy, and wanted to know why she wasn't told last time he visited.

"I was more concerned about Missy then," he told her. "By the way, how is she?"

Cathy looked at me. I gave her the please-don't-embarrass-me look. She looked back at Quatre. "She's a full trapeze artist now."

Quatre looked at me and raised his eyebrows.

I looked at Cathy and back at him. I shook my head.

He got the message-don't tell Cathy what I told you on the phone. "So is she still doing menial tasks for you two?"

Cathy laughed. "You mean making breakfast? No, she moved out after Someone pissed her off."

"Cathy…" I said with a warning note in my voice.

Quatre looked concerned. "Missy is upset? What happened?"

"I don't know. It happened just the other day and neither one will tell me." Cathy glared back at me.

"Missy and?" Quatre feigned ignorance for my benefit.

"Trowa, of course!" Cathy exclaimed. "Right after Missy remembered her past…"

"She remembered? Oh that's good news!" exclaimed Quatre.

I sunk into my seat.

Cathy glared at me. "You told me you called him."

"Er…well…" I started.

"Don't bother." She turned to Quatre. "He's so in love with her, he's being stupid. He did tell you that, didn't he?"

Quatre doesn't lie. "Well, if he did, it was in confidence…"

He didn't say 'no' which means 'yes' to Cathy. "He did? He admitted it to someone?" Cathy asked.

I groaned and put my head in my hands.

Silence fell for a few moments, until Cathy realized no one was going to answer her question. "Well they had a big fight on Friday night, and she moved out. He's been moping ever since, and she won't talk to anyone!"

"What was the fight about?" Quatre asked.

I didn't look up from my hands. "Nothing that either of you can help or fix or get involved with." I looked up at them-both looked like I'd slapped them. I appealed to their emotions. "And I'm really not ready to talk about it yet."

"Oh sure, Trowa, don't feel pressured." Quatre looked at Cathy.

"Oh yes, I just want to see you happy." Cathy had that 'I'll wait, for now' look on her face.

We were silent for a minute or so, then conversation turned to other topics. But each of them kept looking at me, as if they expected me to pour out my heart any second. I was less than comfortable. Quatre knew more than Cathy did, and I knew I'd have to tell him sooner or later. I'd put it off as long as possible.

We got back to the Winter Quarters by lunchtime. We weren't expecting Heero until about a half-hour before the 7 pm performance, so we had a pleasant meal up in the conference room., which I planned ahead of time. The cafeteria was getting crowded with more friends and family showing up. The cafeteria crew required guests to be signed in at least two days before or else they'd end up feeding an entire audience. Many of the local restaurants were completely booked as well. We had a large catered party planned for after the show, and both Heero and Quatre would stay for that.

After lunch we whiled away the time with children, games and conversation. Dinner was served, but neither Cathy nor I ate much.

Both Cathy and I started feeling that anticipatory feeling you get right before a performance. Where you keep looking at the clock and both hoping that the time will get here soon and hoping that it will slow down just a little. I don't know how to describe it. A lot of people say it's stage fright, the way it makes your insides ache a little and food not sit well in your stomach. But if it's stage fright, then why does it come with so much energy that you have to do something? And why do you smile so much? No, that feeling is why we do this-because it really is the best feeling in the whole universe.

The only thing that ruined it for me is that Missy was off alone somewhere feeling it alone, probably scared and not know what it is. I'd invited her to this dinner at the beginning of the week, but she didn't come. I wasn't surprised, but still, I always thought I'd be there for her on her first time. I felt more like I'd deserted her than ever. I forced myself to remember who she was, and to shake the guilty feeling.

Cathy and I left at six o'clock to go get ready, and we found the dressing rooms a buzz. Everyone was excited and nervous. Costumes were put on with lightning speed, so was make-up. My hair is never so easy to style for any other show. And our preparations are often so quickly done, that we find ourselves waiting around for at least twenty minutes. And should anyone come in late, they are pounced and dressed and made up so fast they don't realize it's happened. Everybody prefers to be doing something with their energy rather than just letting it eat a hole in their stomach.

Missy was there before I got into what serves as our green room. She was with the Panzinis and she was clutching the blood out of Maria Panzini's hand. Mrs. Panzini was rubbing her back as all the Panzinis listened to Mister Panzini's last minute speech.

I wanted to go to her, to wish her good luck. But I doubted that she wanted to see me now. Now that I'd burnt that bridge. Now that I was the cold unfeeling businessman to her.

"He's here," said Cathy, coming up behind me.

"Who?"

She rolled her eyes. "Heero, of course."

"Oh, right."

I looked out the main entryway and saw him, his sons and his bodyguards safely in place. Already the clowns were out doing the pre-show entertainment. The band was tuning their instruments, and I could see the shadow of Mr. Fouhy ranting and raving up in the sound booth. Thank goodness I was a performer as well as a producer, or I'd have to be up there listening to him.

It was way too late for him to do anything now. But there was no telling him that.

I felt a tap on the shoulder, and I turned to see Megan the lead dancer. "It's time Mr. Bloom."

I nodded. "Circle up everyone."

The word was whispered around and the cast and crew quickly came together in the center of the room. Everyone started holding hands or touching someone's side, or back, or arm. It didn't matter, so long as we all touched.

When we'd all gathered together, the group quieted down to listen to my speech. The opening speech is a producer tradition, and I hate speeches so I plan it to death. But this one is very important to do. We need it. I cleared my throat. "We've got about ten minutes until our first show of the season."

A little ripple of anticipation passed through the circle.

"I have to tell you, I can't wait. We've all worked harder and come together much more swiftly than any other show we've put on. The new acts we brought in this year were just what we needed to take a great show from last season and make it the best the Universe has ever seen."

There was a murmur of agreement and smiles darted here and there.

"We are about to perform for our favorite and most loved audience-our friends and family. Because we love them, we let them see it first and It! Will! Be! Magnificent! Now some people here may be a little nervous… "

That got a few nods and smiles.

"Especially you first timers, the First of Mays. I want each and every one of you old timers to think back on your first time and remember how you felt. Then I want you to take that energy, that excitement and send it to our new ones now. Give them all the good wishes, energy and encouragement you can."

I let a long moment of silence pass. In the circle, I held Cathy's hand and Megan's hand. Down the line, Missy held Paul's hand, who held Anna's hand, who held Megan's hand. But somehow I could feel the energy surge through the link between Missy and I. I pictured it all going to her, because she needed it. Others did the same for other new people, it's an indescribable feeling.

"Now…" I said, then started our chant. "Make 'em smile, Make 'em laugh, do it safe…"

The chant was continued in low voices throughout the group.

"Make 'em smile, Make 'em laugh, do it safe…"

People smiled at each other and squeezed each others' hands. Behind us the band struck up the opening song, nice and loud so no one could hear us. Our chant increased in volume.

"Make 'em smile, Make 'em laugh, do it safe!"

"And now!" I encouraged.

"May all your days be circus days!" the group shouted.

"Ready!" I shouted.

"Break!" we shouted, and everyone ran for his or her place in the opening parade.

I wish I could give you a play by play of that particular show, but I've done five opening shows since then, and all the thousands and thousands of shows during the season in between. But the audience always jumps and cheers so incredibly loudly at the family show. The energy is so high, it makes the hair all over your body tingle. Everything is bigger, happier, funnier.

Applause is the best drug for nerves. And it is such a huge rush, you want it to last forever. It starts with that first laugh and carries you to the end on a tidal wave. I wish I could tell you in a way so you'd understand. But words can't make it. They just can't. Not until you've lived it.

If you've lived it and you read my poor words about it, you'll feel just a touch of it yourself. Maybe that flame at the base of your torso will light just a little and you'll find yourself wishing you were there. Wishing you were riding high on applause, laughter and cheers. And you'll understand why we do this. Why we pack up our lives into a suitcase and lug it place-to-place, just to stick our heads in a lion's mouth, or risk our neck on a high wire. Then get up the next morning and do it all over again.

You might be tempted to run away and join us.

And if you shake your head, and say to yourself "I could never do that" then you never will. But don't worry. I've got a place for you. Front row center. Bring your laughter, your ohs and ahs, and your applause, because the circus could never exist without you. And neither could I.

But, even though I can't give you a play by play, I do remember the highlights. My sister came way too close to hitting me with those knives as she always does when she get excited. But the audience was in the palm of our hands with the whole high wire knife chase. It was the most successful act we did that season. Toward the end of it, I caught her breaking character a little to smile. It's difficult not to when people are laughing hard beneath you.

She and I ran out of the rings on an incredible high.

"Yes!" Cathy skipped and spun in a circle.

I grinned. I couldn't help it. Like I said, I'm a different person when performing. Everybody is.

"They loved it!" I said.

"Loved it? They were rolling in the aisles! That's the best reaction I've ever gotten even in a family show." Cathy grabbed a water bottle.

Several people came over to congratulate us. Including the boss clown.

"You want us to follow that act?" he asked me. "I'm gonna start packing now, okay?" He clapped me on my back.

"Hey, nothing beats a clown car, besides, we warmed them up for you." I grabbed his shoulders. "Go get them." I pushed him away.

"I'm goin' I'm goin'" he said.

I turned back to Cathy. She was being hugged by a dancer…no, it was Missy! I froze.

"Oh Cathy it was so great! I laughed and laughed!"

Cathy laughed and grabbed Missy's arms and swung her. "Thanks Missy, but it was all Trowa's idea." She swung Missy toward me.

Face to face, her smile fell when she saw me.

"Uh…it was great." She looked off to the side, only her eyes darting to my face a few times.

"Thanks, Missy," I said. Not knowing what else to say our first time talking since…then.

"Sure." Then she fled back to the Panzinis.

I watched her.

Cathy sighed. "Well, her feelings haven't changed. I hope you can work this out."

I heard her words through a fog. "Sure."

Cathy left me standing there.

I watched Missy's performance. All of it. This time there wasn't even a wobble in the handstand. Her stunt got gasps and applause. Her white costume worked perfectly, the long streaming scarves made her look like a flying angel, and her soft halo of blond hair made the image complete.

I can't begin to describe how proud of her I was as she and the Panzinis took their bows to thunderous applause. She seemed to stand taller. Her smile was bigger, and in her carriage a difference which can only be called confidence. She was one of us now and she finally believed it. It was everything I wanted to give her.

There was no time for hugs when they came off, we had to get to the finale parade. She ran past me so quickly I don't think she realized I was there. Since I got to run on late, I was able to stand by and watch the whole parade walk out past me. We were one beautiful bunch of happy, sparkling, high performers. Even the elephants seemed to skip to the music.

On my entrance, I hit the trampoline so hard I was able to execute my complete triple flip turn I've been doing since I was a kid. It's almost my calling card. When I landed on Friendly, I had to really fake an off-balance clown landing.

Missy looked at me for half-a-heartbeat stunned. I don't think I've ever done that flip for her. But she didn't stay stunned, and began to play her part. Shooing and swatting at me.

We did our bit with the flower, which got a few laughs. Then I did my clown handstand. The knap when I fell came out loud and clear. People love it when it looks like you hurt yourself.

Then it was her turn. She took my shoulders to set me down to watch. The energy coming from her lanced me like electricity, and I thought I was going to fall off the elephant. I guess the circle chant worked.

As she stepped back, she looked puzzled. She went through the teacher motions and I responded with the dutiful student pose. Then she tried the handstand, but Friendly bounced a bit and she was forced to hand walk in place to keep from falling.

I gasped. Should I reach for her? What if she fell? It was a long way down.

"I have it," she hissed. "Don't break character!" All I could see was the back of her head, but she looked stable. I went on with the skit but my heart was pounding. I didn't like the idea of her falling. There was no net here.

The rest of the skit went smoothly. The audience loved the part were the elephant captures me and I get tickled. Especially the little kids.

And you can hear the kids too. They say things like "Look he's getting tickled!" "Did you see the elephant grab him, Daddy?" and so on. Usually in a high pitched voice with gales of giggles.

Cathy and Ringleader finished up the closing song, and the show finished in a wave of triumphantly lifted arms, and trunks. Our friends and families jumped to their feet and cheered and cheered. We brought Fouhy out to take a bow-he looked considerably more relaxed. Now that it was over.

The ringmaster announced that the rings would be open for everyone to come down and meet with their performers once all the animals were removed. So in no time, I was once again mobbed by fourteen squealing and laughing Winner girls. Just try to hug that many girls at once. Just try.

Quatre had to help me get out. But they jumped around me asking a million questions at once. I saw that Cathy also had her arms full, but of course she had the Yuy boys. Ah, youth, and their crushes.

I pointed her out to Quatre when Heero gave her a quick hug too. Nothing more or less than a friend would give, and if it weren't for the look on their faces, you might have thought it was completely innocent.

Cathy's happiness is as important to me and mine is to her. No wonder we got nothing accomplished.

"But there's Missy!" cried Quatre. He stepped behind me to go over and hug her.

I tried not to watch, instead I moved forward to greet Heero. We shook hands.

"Heero," I said, "Thanks for coming."

"Wouldn't miss it." He still never minced words. Well neither did I really. Only when the job demanded it. Heero and I still had that much in common.

"Oh Trowa!" cried Cathy. "Look at these boys! Look how they've grown."

Thomas Darlian Yuy was blond like his mother, but the younger two were miniature versions of their father. Taro was the middle son and René was the youngest. Thomas shook my hand like his father, but the two youngest refused to let go of Cathy for anything so mundane as a handshake. I tousled their hair in retribution.

We all talked for several minutes. Well, the children talked, and we tried to answer all their questions. Giving small tours of the rings, and explaining stuff like how the motorcycle stays on the wire. Why I don't fall off the pole, and how Cathy always misses me with the knives.

It was a happy time, surrounded by the children of our friends. Our greatest fans. But I was distracted by Quatre and Missy talking off to the side. What could they have to say to each other?

Around us the preparations for the party began. The ring sections were removed and placed by the walls. Tables appeared and the caterers arrived with hors d'oeuvres. I had to step away to talk with the hired planner. We decided to set the DJ up in the sound booth.

After about twenty minutes, I finally got a chance to go shower and change. There's nothing so nice as removing a hot costume at the end of a successful performance-and for me, as well as many mostly female performers, getting to let my hair down.

I didn't have time to dry my hair and pull it back, so I just stuffed some bands into my pocket. My hair looks odd just left free. The sides and back are short, but the top and front are very long. It hangs around my head like a curtain, down past my shoulders. The cut is designed for the large clownish uni-bang though so the hair in back curves up like a smile. I tucked it behind my ears, just to keep it out of my face.

When I got back to the arena, the party was just getting off the ground. Cathy was the brave one already on the dance floor. She was taking turns dancing with Thomas and Taro, but René was making it difficult by jumping in between. It looked more like a game.

Quatre was giving instructions to the servants taking his youngest girls back to the hotel. His four eldest would be staying for a while to play with the circus children. In fact, I think one of them was already dancing with Chris Panzini. The circus has quite a few children who call it home. It would be impossible to hire performers for a traveling circus without making accommodations for children. We hire a teacher to travel with us and there always is a school car in the trains we own. As for the Colony circus, our poor teacher must make do with hotel conference rooms.

Heero was standing off to the side watching Cathy and his sons. He looked in the mood for a quiet conversation, so I headed toward him. I grabbed a couple of beers on the way over.

I handed one to him.

"A beer?" he asked.

"Well we aren't the formal dinners you're used to, but I might be able to find some wine in a box somewhere…"

"No, this is fine. I don't get much chance to drink them anyway."

"You should hang out with the little people more often then." I was scanning the room, without realizing it. I finally spotted Missy near the door. She was still in costume, and it looked like she was meeting Anna's mother. I must have been staring.

"So it's true," Heero said.

"What?" I asked.

"Quatre told me you were in love with that woman." Heero opened his beer.

"Can we really love the enemy?" I asked. He wouldn't understand what I was really asking of course. But somehow, his answer fit anyway.

"Oh yes," he said in a whisper I barely caught, "That's what peace is about."

"Quatre told you? I'm surprised." I thought Cathy would tell him.

"Don't be upset with Quatre, he had a reason for telling me."

"What great plot is he up to now?" I looked at Heero.

"It's simple. Now you don't need her anymore…" Heero was looking at Cathy.

I looked back and forth between them. "You mean to say that's why you've been holding back?"

He looked at me, there was a slight pain in his eyes. "I couldn't take away a man's only family. People like us soldiers…need family."

I said nothing.

He looked back at her. "My sons need a mother. And I think Relena would approve."

I put on my brotherly mask. "No, I just can't let you, Heero."

"What? Why?"

"I'm not letting my sister go just because some guy wants a mother for his kids. You're going to have to do better than that."

He doesn't like to share his emotions any more than I do. He was silent for a few moments. "I need her," he told me. "I've been thinking about her all year and I…"

"Good," I said cutting him off. "That's all you had to say. Her happiness is important to me."

"I'll make her happy."

"You'd better." I looked at my sister. "I have to warn you about something though. We have a saying that's been in the performance business for centuries. It changes depending on venue, but it's still true. 'You can take the performer out of the circus, but you can never take the circus out of the performer'." I looked back at him.

"What are you saying?" he asked.

"I'm saying the chances are good that she'll come back. Cathy has been in the circus all her life. I've seen it before. When born performers try to be something else. They end up coming back. And she may even bring some of your children with her."

He smiled. "You really will make clowns out of them." Then he grew serious. "I'd never ask her to give up her life, just to share it with me. Everyone knows I have very little free time in this job anyway. I'd just like a place to go home to with someone waiting for me again."

"Even if it's a circus train?"

"Even if."

"Well, then, you'd better go dance with her, before she starts thinking all Yuy men tread on their partner's feet."

Across the floor, Taro was just apologizing for that very offense. Heero handed me his beer and walked over.

I looked for Missy, but she'd gotten away from Anna. I assumed she'd gone to change too.

"Oh Trowa! It's not that bad! You don't have to resort to alcohol!" Quatre came up to me, smiling. "Look at this! Two-fisted drinking!"

I smiled, "It's Heero's."

"Sure, it is. You shouldn't worry, I fixed everything."

Warning bells went off. "What do you mean?"

"I just had a pleasant conversation with Missy."

"And?"

"And she was laboring under the misconception that you were only helping her for a shuttle!"

"What did you tell her?"

"Merely the truth, that I donate a shuttle or the equivalent to the circus every year and that you and I both knew the bet thing was a joke."

"But Quatre…"

"And you even said there was nothing I could do to help! Are you putting up obstacles again?"

"That's not really the truth, I did take her in on a bet."

"Did you believe your success with her would really dictate whether or not I'd donate as usual to the circus?"

I looked at him for a heartbeat. "Not for one second."

He smiled.

"I was pretty sure in fact if I failed, I'd have to enforce your side of the bet myself."

"I'd go around you," he said.

"Yeah I know."

"So why did you let her be angry with you about it?" he asked.

I grimaced. How to explain this? "Because I wanted her to be angry."

"I don't follow you."

"When she remembered, we found out we knew each other as kids."

His eyes widened. "You did? What are the chances of that?"

"Just wait, there's more. She was a spy for the Alliance, and I was part of the rebel group she wiped out. The only survivor in fact."

He shook his head in wonder. "How old were you?"

"Around ten."

"Young."

"She taught me how to hate."

He nodded. "And how to love, pretty talented teacher. Only question is: which is stronger?"

"Hate is. I thought if she was angry, we'd be more comfortable."

"Ah, well, I helped with that. I'm sure of it. You will still be comfortable even though she's not angry," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I asked her what she was going to do, now that she knew the truth about the shuttle." He paused to take a sip of the soda he was holding.

He was going to make me draw this out of him. I gritted my teeth, and gave in. "What did she say?"

"She said you had a right to say no, and she shouldn't have pressed you for a reason. She said she wouldn't force you to come up with another reason to keep you two apart."

I nodded. "Good."

He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Has she changed? I mean when she remembered she was your enemy as a little girl, did those memories change her."

I thought about it. "No, not really."

"So what you hate isn't her now, but her then."

"But they're the same person."

"Are you the same person you were then?"

"No I…" It was like a light going off in my head. Then with wonder, the reality of it occurred to me. "I try very hard not to be…"

So hard that the least little reminder of Noname upset me. It made me angry. Now my anger at Missy made sense. Middie had come to represent everything that was evil in me. She was a reflection of myself when I was a nameless soldier and a pitiless killer. What I hated about Middie was not really her past actions, but the mirror of myself her existence showed. I hated who I was when I was Noname, therefore I hated Middie. It was not rational. I saw that now.

I had tortured her. I wanted so desperately to forget Noname, to forget my past. So much so, that when the woman I loved became a reminder of it-I pushed her away.

But she was just like me. She had a past she ran from all her life, only embracing it when she realized she couldn't love me without it.

And I loved her for it. My heart swelled in my chest and ached. I had to see her.

Quatre knew me so well. He stood by and quietly watched me come to this epiphany.

"I have to talk to her," I told him.

He smiled. "Yes you do."

"Here," I said and distracted shoved the two beers into his hands. He juggled them and watched me walk away.

I heard one of his daughters come up to him behind me.

"Daddy! You're drinking alcohol!"

"But they're not mine!" he sputtered.

Missy wasn't at the party. I looked for her. I asked. No one had seen her since she went to change clothes. I went to the women's locker room. I grabbed the first woman to emerge, who told me she'd left just a few minutes ago.

But why didn't I meet her going to the party as I left? Maybe she'd gone back to her room for something? I sprinted to the dormitory. She was on the women's floor now, though I tried not to, I'd found out the room number the day she'd moved.

I stood before her door, and I knew she was in there. All the Missy-sensitive nerves in my body were firing. I froze and let the pounding in my head subside. I knocked.

"One minute!" she called and my heart flipped at the sound of her voice.

She looked surprised to see me. "Trowa?" she said as she opened the door and paused. She wore shorts and a long t-shirt, obviously not going to the dance. My eyes drifted, unbidden over her form.

I opened my mouth, but no words came.

"Look, I'm sorry about the finale. I know it looked bad, I'll do better next time. Is that what you wanted?" She looked distressed.

"No," I said. My voice worked!

"Oh then it must be about Quatre and the shuttle."

I froze again.

"Listen, you…you don't need to come up with another excuse. I won't throw myself at you again and force you to push me away, if that's what's worrying you. We'll be just like any other two performers. I promise…"

"No," I said, "No that's not it. Please listen."

She closed her mouth and looked at me.

"It's not you," I told her.

"Not me?" she asked.

"Before I found out who you were, when you were just Missy…I…well I…"

"Loved me?" she prompted.

It was easier to admit to when she said it.

"Yes," I whispered.

"You don't have to tell me this. I know. I know that you hate who I was, and what I did. I'd like to apologize to you, but it wouldn't be true. I loved my family. I did what I had to do." She looked tired like she'd given up and really wasn't interested anymore. How was I going to fix this?

"I don't hate you Missy. I hate my past. I hated who I was." I pushed my hair out of my face. "God, this isn't coming out right…Your only sin was just reminding me of him, of Noname."

"But you're Noname." She looked puzzled.

"Yes, I know. But I didn't want to be. I wanted to forget him, forget my past. And I took it out on you. Missy, please forgive me. I'm so sorry."

"You were running from your past?"

"Yes," I breathed.

"And now?"

What could I say? A thousand things? A million things came to mind and they all wanted to be announced first.

"Don't I still remind you of Noname?" She leaned against the doorframe.

"You do, but…" I wracked my brain for the words. The words that would fix everything. "I need your help…"

She looked at me hesitantly, as if afraid I would break her heart again. "My help?"

"I need you to show me how you did it. How you got over your past. What you said the other day-you have as many good memories as bad. I want that too. Help me."

"Trowa," she whispered, there was pain in her eyes.

My courage failed me. I wanted her to just throw herself at me, so I didn't have to risk it. But she said she wouldn't. I had to do it. "Just say we can be friends again. Just give me that much."

She stepped back. "No, don't ask that of me. We cannot be friends. I won't be tortured again."

I couldn't escape my feelings at her words. My heart missed the bar and fell to the circus floor. No net. "Oh, of course." It was what I deserved. I'd treated her so badly. I'd used her.

I really had dug her up from her chosen grave. Forced her to remember. Then crushed her. Of course she couldn't trust me.

My body didn't want to believe it was over. I started forward reaching out to her, but she jumped further back from me.

I stopped. I looked down. My hair fell down to cover my face once more. "I'm sorry," I told her.

"Just go," she whispered.

I turned and headed down the hall. There was nothing more to say. I heard her door click closed behind me. It sounded like a jail cell slamming. I leaned against the hallway wall for support. Shock filled me.

I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream, to howl like a beast, to hit something.

And I hated myself. Not just Noname, but all of me. I hated the Trowa who couldn't overcome his past. Who let Noname destroy something again. I was the one who belonged in Quatre's shelter now. I was the one left empty by the war.

It was me.

I felt a hand on my back. I stiffened, unable to move.

"Trowa," Missy whispered. Her hands slipped around me from behind until her arms encircled me. "I know I said I wouldn't throw myself at you again, but I can't help it." Her body pressed into my back, I could feel every cell of it. Her cheek on my spine, her breasts pushed tight to my lower back. I sucked in a ragged breath.

Her voice vibrated through me as she spoke. "I can't be your friend, I just can't. Not with how I feel. How I love you. But you don't need an excuse to push me away. Just tell me no, and I'll never…but I can't be only your friend. I just can't…I…" She was crying.

I pulled her hand from my chest with both of mine. I turned it so I could look in the delicate inside of her palm. I kissed her there. She gasped.

I turned in her arms. The look in her eyes was enough to drive me insane. Love. Yearning. Wanting. She was perfect. I stood there and looked at her, as I wanted to. Claiming her with my eyes. The soft delicate curves of her face, the deep loving pull of her eye, the questing fullness of her mouth.

My own beautiful statue come to life. A gift of the gods. She was mine.

I stroked her cheek and watched with wonder as her eyes fluttered in response. She turned her face into my hand. She kissed my fingertips and it felt like little electric shocks were shooting up the nerves of my arm.

My hand slid behind her head and I tilted her mouth up to mine. When our lips met, it was like the end of the world. All the thoughts in my head silenced and focused on this one task. On the press of her lips, the sigh of air as she opened them for me, and the absolute wonder of exploring her mouth with mine.

Gone were any ideas of holding back and dating her or seeing if my emotions were true. They were true. Love is not a feeling a man can put to words very easily, but I knew I was happy. So incredibly happy.

This is was I was looking for that day, as I stood over the body of the man who taught me to fight, looking at the girl who taught me to hate. I was looking for redemption. Looking for someone to teach me to love.

I've killed innumerable people during the war. More than any man, who wishes to remain sane, dares count. But I've only brought two back to life. Middie Une, and myself.

The rest of the story, as you know Ms. Grimm, gets me to where I am now. My wife and I have two beautiful boys, both it seems like trapeze better than clowning, but I'm convinced they'll outgrow it.

My sister married Heero and made him two homes. The first in a mansion, but that lasted only for the first four years. The second home was as I predicted. This season, she's back with her daughter Amanda and a very promising young clown in Heero's son René. Heero visits so often his bodyguards have become a nuisance.

Quatre, as the tabloids will tell you, never got Dorothy to come back to him. Instead, she allows him to visit. As a result, he spends way too much time on Earth. If not for his daughters, I think he'd abandon the colony all together. He remains a man torn between his family and his love. But I think he's better off than he was.

You might also be interested to know that Missy and I went back to St. Petersburg three years ago. We did some digging and found that her brother Alex survived the war. He lives there with his wife and four nearly grown children. Their reunion was a poignant and touching one. Alex knew nothing of the other two brothers, and we help him with the search now. We don't hold out much hope, but then Missy came back to life, so you never know.

Is this the part where I say 'and they lived happily ever after'? I think if I did, you wouldn't believe me. Life, for two people touched so deeply by war, can never be completely happy, but at least it is a burden we no longer have to run from, or carry alone.

I have to thank you, Ms. Grimm, for suggesting I undertake this enterprise. Although I was uncomfortable writing the difficult parts, I am pleased to have told this story in such detail. I never could've accomplished it in an interview with you, and this part of my life is very important to me.

I look forward to seeing the manuscript soon. Good luck on muddling through my amateur ramblings. If you have any questions or need clarification, please don't hesitate to ask.

Yours truly,

T. T. Bloom

"There's no business like show business like no business I know!
Everything about it is appealing
Everything the traffic will allow
Nowhere can you get that happy feeling
When you are stealing an extra bow" - Annie get your Gun