Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Never Breaking Free ❯ Never Breaking Free ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Never Breaking Free

Disclaimer: I make no money from this fic. The characters belong to their creators and the song belongs to Hedley.

Warnings: Lemon, non-con, yaoi, violence, angst, swearing, oocness, etc.

~Lyrics~ >Song called, “Brave New World” by Hedley.


~Hello, I love you
Won't you tell me your name?
Hello, I need you, like a bullet to my brain
It seems I'm never breaking free
While you sit and watch me bleed
When the night falls there's nowhere to go~

(Duo)

The house was so quiet, not even the drip of a leaking faucet breaking the silence. My lover sat in a plush chair, staring at me from my crumpled position on the floor. I held a shaking hand to my mouth, blood sliding between my fingers and I couldn't look at him. He couldn't be the same. He just couldn't be the man that I'd fallen for, the fifteen year old boy with too many emotions and no where to vent them. Heero wasn't the same as he'd been. I swallowed, my ribs protesting even the slightest movement. It hurt to breathe.

I couldn't even manage to stand up to leave, not that I had anywhere to go. I supposed I could call Quatre, but he'd fuss too much and how could i explain my bruises without lying to him? There was Trowa; he wouldn't ask, but the look in his eyes would tell me he knew, he always knew more than he said. And Wu Fei, Wu Fei wouldn't know what to make of me. He'd probably turn green at my utter weakness.

I closed burning eyes and quelled the urge to vomit, forcing the bile back down my throat. Heero didn't move, didn't say a word, just watched me bleeding in front of him. He must have thought he was justified. I knew that he'd be stressed out after work. I knew I shouldn't have provoked him, but I just wanted him to notice me. I needed his attention; I just wished that I could have it without the pain.

I swallowed again, the tang of the metallic blood sticking to my tongue and lips. I knew that there would be more bruises tomorrow and that I wouldn't be going to class again. I was running out of excuses to tell my classmates. I couldn't afford for them to find out the real reason for my being black and blue, not that they hadn't already figured it out. It was pretty obvious after all. They never said anything and their pity-filled eyes were probably worse than if they had.

I made to drop my bloodied hand to the floor, but thought better of it, laying it on my lap instead of the carpet. Heero would kill me if I stained the rug he'd spent so much money on. The crimson remnants of my blood soaked into my clothes, staining my new jeans, but I didn't dare mention it. Heaven knew, he'd go out of his way to stain them more. I finally looked at him, my eyelids heavy with a mild concussion. I saw his eyes, hard Prussian hidden behind the chocolate strands of his hair; they were so beautiful even when they were looking at me with disdain. I wanted to hate him, but I didn't. I loved him, just as I had for over two years now.

“Go to bed Duo, I'll wake you in an hour,” he commanded. I snorted. He'd wake me in an hour, every hour for the rest of the night, just to make sure I didn't slip into a coma from the concussion he'd given me. I smiled through my fat lip and made to get up off the floor, wincing with the effort. He stood, hooking his hands under my arms and pulling me to my feet shakily. Blood got on his shirt, but he didn't yell at me or toss me back onto the ground. He helped me roughly towards the stairs. “Shower first. I don't want you dirtying the bed,” he said quietly as I limped up the steps before turning towards the bathroom. He watched me until I had closed the door behind me.

I leaned heavily against the counter in the cream bathroom, my legs aching and my left arm shook with the effort of holding my weight, an odd pain shooting up the nerve endings. I breathed a sigh, surveying the damage in the mirror. My eyes were pained and bloodshot, a violet bruise rising on the high cheekbone on my right side and a split lip, drying blood crusting in the corners of my mouth. I prodded the wound gently before moving to lift my shirt, pulling it up over my head, throbbing pain blooming in my back and abdomen as I did.

My sides, stomach and back were littered with bruises, purple and black, green and yellow underlying the newest ones. My arms were just as beaten, my fingernails ragged and chipped beyond repair from using them to cushion my unexpected falls onto the floor. I looked at my hands as if they belonged to someone else, someone who was abused. How had I become like this? Wasn't I strong once? I flexed my fingers, the dried blood itching my skin and pulling on the webbing between each digit. I chuckled darkly. Oh yes, I'd been strong once, before I'd fallen in love with the Perfect Soldier, before I'd fallen victim to his strength.

I unbuttoned my jeans and shimmied out of them carefully, my sock-less feet whispering over the tiled floor as I stepped out of the pooled denim and into the ceramic tub. I pulled the curtain across the shower pole as much as I could, my arm protesting angrily. It ended up only covering half of the tub, but I couldn't bring myself to try for more. I turned on the taps, hissing as the heated water hit my wounds, washing away the blood, rusty liquid sliding into the drain. I didn't even attempt to wash my hair, opting to just rinse myself before turning off the water and leaving a wet trail as I left the bathroom. I patted myself dry and laid on the too-large bed.

I pulled on a pair of boxers and curled up as much as my injuries would allow. I could feel my eyes burning with the threat of tears, but I bit them back, closing my eyes tightly and willing sleep to come. It didn't take so long, but it felt like only seconds when Heero came to wake me an hour later.

He helped me prop myself up on pillows and gave me a bowl of miso soup. I wanted to laugh at his behavior. I spooned it into my mouth gratefully, my stomach gurgling happily at being fed finally. Heero just watched me, waiting to take the bowl back. And it was back to sleep for me. I needed my rest after all, so that I could heal.

Heero woke me every hour on the hour just like I knew he would and in the morning when I managed to stumble into the bathroom, it was cleaned, devoid of whatever mess I had left the night before. Heero had been up all night, worrying about me I assumed and he'd cleaned the bathroom, the living room, and our bedroom. He must have felt really guilty this time around. I sighed heavily, making my way down to the kitchen, not bothering to put a shirt on for the prospect of the pain it would cause just to get the bloody thing on.

~I won't let you in let you see me cry.
I can't give you that satisfaction this time
Do you really get what you need
Beating the hell out of me?
I'm so tired of getting up off the floor
I won't take this anymore.
I won't take this anymore. ~

In the kitchen, Heero was preparing coffee and reading the paper before he headed to work again for the day. When I came in, he looked up and nearly dropped his mug of steaming java. I could see his eyes scanning over the marks he'd left all over me. He set down the mug, but looked back at the paper as he spoke, “Duo, I'm sorry, about last night. You know how frustrated I get at work and you just always have to pester me. You know I don't like to hurt you,” he apologizes, blaming everyone and everything but himself. I nod, saying nothing and accepting the apology I'd been expecting.

Then he was off to work and I was left alone to do nothing all day long but sit around. I wrote two papers that weren't due for a while and watched an old movie. I did the laundry with help of some string painkillers and then I napped. I woke up to the ringing of the phone.

“Yeah?” I answered, forgetting to turn off the visual.

“Oh my god Duo, what happened to you?” Quatre's voice rose from the speaker on the vidphone. I sighed.

“I got beaten up,” I said truthfully. He didn't need to know who had beaten me up. He stared at me incredulously. “So whatchya calling me for?” I asked changing the subject before he asked more questions that were more difficult to answer.

“Oh, I wanted to invite you and Heero for Thanksgiving next week. Trowa's coming home from the circus and Wu Fei said he'd be able to make it. It'd be great if you two could come as well,” my attractive blond friend explained. I put on a smile for him.

“Yeah, that's sounds like a blast. I'll ask Heero later on tonight and let you know tomorrow,” I replied, sounding enthusiastic when I wasn't. Heero hated the get togethers. I think it made him feel even guiltier. Seeing the others reminded him of his imperfections. I was about to disconnect when he interrupted me.

“So, how are you? How are things?” he inquired. I supposed it was only natural since I hadn't spoken to him in a couple of weeks.

“I could be better, but things are all right. School's great. How's Tro?” I questioned, trying to hurry the conversation. I looked at my watch as it beeped. It was six o'clock. Heero would be home in an hour and I needed to get dinner started.

“Oh, he'd good. He's been visiting a lot more lately. He misses me,” he answered with a blush. I smiled.

“Why don't you cut the guy a break Quat' and ask him to stay?” I grinned at my friend as his blush brightened.

“You think I should? I told him was always welcome to stay, but--”

“Did you ever ask him to stay just for you?” I interrupted. The two of them were so ridiculous. Quatre shook his head. I laughed at him. “There's your answer then. Tro's probably just waiting for you to ask him, so why don't you?”

“Okay, maybe I will,” he replied, smiling. I shook my head.

“Listen Quat', it's been swell talking to you, but I need to head. I gotta start dinner. I'll give you a call tomorrow after I talk to Heero,” I finally managed to end the conversation.

“Oh, sure. I'll talk to you tomorrow then,” he smiled and I nodded in agreement. I disconnected right after that, relieved that he hadn't asked anymore questions about my face. I ran a sore hand through my hair, moving carefully around the kitchen and starting dinner.

Dinner was ready just as Heero walked through the door. I stood at the counter, serving it onto plates, just pasta, nothing really special. Heero was quiet when he came into the kitchen and I didn't really turn to look at him, preoccupied with what I was doing. When he came up behind me I nearly had a heart attack, not expecting it at all.

“Mmm, you smell good,” he was murmuring as he nuzzled my ear from behind, his arms wrapping around my midsection. I blinked several times, uncertain as to what was happening at first. He pressed against me, my back to his chest. I swallowed as I felt his lips on my neck. Sometimes when Heero came home he would be like this. He'd want me and 'no' was not the answer he wanted to hear. I leaned back into him reluctantly.

“Heero, this is a bad idea,” I tried to reason softly. I was not in any kind of shape for any sort of sexual activity, rough or not. Heero shook his head, disagreeing with me in spite of the obvious. I sighed, knowing that he would get his way one way or another. I gave in. It wasn't like I didn't like making love to Heero, it was just difficult to enjoy it when I was in pain.

Heero turned me to face him, his lips immediately seeking mine. I met them familiarly, opening my mouth to his questing tongue. He pushed me back into the counter, my lower back pressed hard against the granite of the counter top. I winced, but didn't complain. His hands slid into my long hair, tugging and petting. I groaned. This was going to be a painful experience, I knew.

I ended up shoved against the kitchen wall, after Heero picked me up, pressing me against the fridge and then he lost his balance and we swayed, knocking the plates of food onto the floor where they shattered and made a mess. Heero walked with me in his arms, my naked legs around his waist as he kissed me. His pants laid in a heap next to the refrigerator and his shirt hung from his shoulders haphazardly, tie dangling down his nude chest. I rubbed my hands over the contours of his muscular chest and abdomen. I couldn't help myself. He made me want him. It's not like he did this kind of thing that often. More often than not he didn't want to touch me at all. I think he felt bad about hurting me, so he figured he shouldn't touch me.

He was too rough, but I didn't complain, too wrapped up in the moment, my throat burning with my moans and the harshness of my panting breaths. Heero pushed inside of me with hardly any preparation, saliva being the lubricant of choice for the moment. I gasped, digging non-existent nails into his shoulders as he thrust into me, my back banging against the wall behind me. My lip split again, reopening the wound from the night before as Heero's lips ravaged mine, the taste of blood only heightening the experience. I didn't take long to ejaculate, spraying searing semen over Heero's chest and my own stomach with a loud moan.

Heero came inside of me, coating the inner walls of my body heatedly, grunting in satisfaction. I breathed raggedly, trying to catch my breath, my body already cramping and aching. It had been a stupid idea from the beginning and now I recalled why that was. I would be in a lot of pain for the rest of the night. Heero pulled out and grabbed his pants from the floor, going upstairs and showering. He left me on the kitchen floor against the wall, his cum and my blood mixing and pooling from inside of me onto the kitchen floor to mix with spaghetti sauce. I felt sick watching it and feeling it on me.

~So low, but still breathing
Funny how you show you care
Is hell still beneath me?
Or am I already there?
It seems I'm never breaking free
While you sit and watch me bleed
When the night falls there's no where to go ~

Heero agreed to go to Thanksgiving at Quatre's and he didn't hit me for the rest of the week, in a good mood since our lovemaking in the kitchen. I healed, the bruises fading to yellow as the days passed until we were to go to Quatre's. I hoped that the others wouldn't ask because my resolve was wearing thin. I knew that things were going well at the moment, but any day Heero would snap. He always did. He couldn't help it. He needed to vent somewhere and I was readily available.

I packed our bags for our trip and hummed to myself. Heero kissed me when he got home and asked me how my day had been. I replied that it was dull, always dull. He was the excitement in my life after all. I could have laughed at that, but I didn't. I couldn't help but feel like some kind of battered woman on the brink of breaking. How long would it be before I couldn't do it anymore? How long before I finally snapped?

The next day we were on a plane to meet with Quatre and the others. Our flight was long and I fell asleep at some point. I was glad that I wouldn't have to see the looks that people gave the two of us. Even though the bruises had faded and my lip was scabbed over, they stared. They all knew who had done it, I was so sure that they could figure it out. Heero seemed to ignore them and I wondered if he actually saw the looks they gave him. It was ridiculous. I thought of what the others would think. Would believe that it had been someone else that had done it to me or would they know it too, just like all the strangers knew it?

When we arrived at Quatre's massive estate, Heero was in a foul mood, clearly regretting coming. The others were ecstatic to see the two of us or at least that was the impression they gave. I smiled and laughed and did my best to cover for Heero, saying that he was just tired, making excuses for him as usual. I was always making excuses and covering for him when they called or asked about him. And I was always smiling to throw them off, to pretend everything was alright when it was the farthest thing from alright that it could be.

I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up again. I snorted at the thought as Heero and I made it to our shared room. I tried my best to be quiet, to not upset him farther, but we both knew that it wasn't going to work. And of course, the inevitable happened, just like we knew it would.

“Why did I let you convince me to come here? We should have stayed at home,” Heero muttered angrily under his breath, blaming me as usual.

That was it, just those two grumbled sentences were the last straw. I couldn't do it anymore. “You could have stayed home. You didn't have to come at all. Heaven forbid you have to spend three whole days with people who saved your life in the past. Heaven forbid you have dinner with them, the people who understand your fucked up ass than anyone else on this godforsaken rock,” my voice was rising, I knew, but I didn't really care. I couldn't handle him anymore.

I could see Heero getting angrier and angrier. I knew he was going to hit me before he even raised his hand. I dodged him the first time. “Why you little shit,” he cursed, following me around the room.

“What's the matter Heero, losing your touch?” I taunted even though I knew it was stupid to provoke him. He growled.

“You want me to hurt you? Why do you make me do this?” he was questioning, his voice too loud not to be heard by the others in the rooms nearest ours. I laughed out loud and lost my footing. He was on me so fast that i hadn't really had a chance to realize what danger I was in.

“I don't make you do shit Heero. You beat the fuck out of me all on your own,” I replied maliciously. His fist impacted my face so hard that I spat blood. I kept laughing as he hit me twice more, blood pouring from my lips.

“Shut up! Shut up Duo or I swear I'll--”

“You'll what? Kill me? Beat me to a pulp? Too late, you've done that so many times already. It's getting pretty old,” I managed to whisper out roughly. I welcomed the feel of his hands around my neck, pressing on my throat painfully.

“Stop! Why do you make me hurt you?”

“Do you really get what you need beating the hell out of me? Do you really feel alive, like you never killed that little girl or her puppy? Do you feel like you love me?” I breathed out raggedly, blood spouting from my nose and the pressure on my neck increased.

“I do love you,” he was saying as I heard the banging on the door. Heero had locked it behind us. The others were yelling from the other side of it. They knew what was going on here. They'd known for a while and this was just proving their suspicions to be true.

“You don't know what it is to love someone. You only love to hurt,” I croaked, my vision swimming and graying, little spots of white floating behind my eyelids and I didn't cry, having wasted too many tears on the man I loved already.

~I won't let you in let you see me cry.
I can't give you that satisfaction this time
Do you really get what you need
Beating the hell out of me?
I'm so tired of getting up off the floor
I won't take this anymore. ~

I could vaguely hear the door being broken in and I watched Wu Fei pulling Heero off of me. It was like I was watching the scene happen to someone else that wasn't me. I could breathe again, my breaths coming in uneven, shaky pants. Quatre's guards were holding Heero while Wu Fei yelled at him in the doorway and trowa was lifting me, Quatre hovering at his side. I saw Wu Fei hit Heero from the corner of my eye and I smiled.

I didn't remember a whole lot after that, my consciousness fading in and out precariously. I was aware that Quatre was asking me questions and Trowa was touching my face, observing the damage and cleaning my blood off of my pale skin. He was getting it all over his hands and his fancy shirt from dinner and I wanted to tell him to stop so he wouldn't ruin it. But my mouth was full of my own blood and I couldn't talk.

Everything was so fucked up. They escorted Heero out and off the property. I could hear him cursing and grunting the whole time. I wanted him to stay. I wanted to love him and for him to love me properly, but I knew that he didn't know how. And I hated J for everything that had happened. I blamed for Heero's emotional issues. I blamed him for Heero hurting me and if the bastard hadn't already been dead, I would have killed him for all this shit.

Quatre and Trowa took care of me for the better part of a week. I didn't even regain consciousness for three days after my altercation with Heero. Wu Fei had gone already with promises to be back as soon as possible. Trowa went to talk to Heero on Saturday.

“He's a mess,” Trowa was saying to Quatre as I listened, feigning sleep.

“I don't care. You saw what he did to Duo. It wasn't the first time Trowa. He's been doing for years,” the blond's harsh voice replied. I wanted to smile. Trowa sighed.

“He needs help,” he said calmly in response to his lover's anger.

“You're damn right he needs help. He needs therapy. I thought he was supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist since the war, we do,” Quatre's voice was softening.

“I don't know. Look at Duo; he loves Heero even though he did that to him. And I'm sure Heero loves him too. They just need help to make things right,” Trowa was right, of course. Heero and I could not be together if things didn't change.

“But how can we help?” Quatre sounded close to tears now. There was shuffling and I knew that Trowa was holding him.

I groaned as though I was just waking up and immediately they were both at my side. “Oh, hey guys, what'd Heero have to say?” I asked through a fake yawn. Trowa looked at Quatre and then back at me.

“He wants you to come home,” I snorted. There was no way I was going back there all alone. “I told him that there was no chance of that happening until he got some help. He looks like shit. I don't think he's been eating or sleeping. Duo, what are you going to do?” he was asking me like I should actually know the answer.

“I don't know. Should I go back to him?” I questioned. As if I would actually return to him when I had finally snapped. Both of them shook their heads. I chuckled. I knew that that was going to be their reaction.

“I think you should come stay with me at the circus for a while Duo, get away from everything and rest. You can help out and see the animals. Wu Fei and Quatre can help Heero here. What do you think?” Trowa was offering me an escape at least for a while. I smiled.

“That sounds nice Tro',” I agreed. It would be nice to get away for a while.

It was nearly a month later when I was all healed up and spending my days with the animals and Trowa at the circus. It was relaxing and fun and a lot different than what I had been used to and Heero decided to show up.

~All that's left in this brave new world
Is ticking clocks and dancing girls
And broken hearts to find another way to shut it all out.
Take some time in life to see
This point of view from on your knees
Electric hearts will play a song you've heard a thousand times
A thousand times...~

Trowa shoved me behind him protectively. Heero's blue eyes widened as I stood behind Trowa, letting him guard me. It seemed odd, but I was afraid of Heero. He'd hurt me so many times before.

“What are you doing here Heero?” Trowa asked, his voice harsh with warning. Heero raised his hands in defeat.

“I just want to talk to him. Can I at least have that?” Heero sounded sincere and Trowa looked at me as if to ask my permission. I nibbled my lip and nodded. Trowa stepped aside, staying close to keep an eye on Heero and I. Heero stepped closer to me and reached out to touch me. I backed up a step and his hand stilled, hanging in the air. He let it drop back to his side.

“What do you want Heero?” I asked quietly, watching him.

“I'm here to tell you that I am sorry for everything Duo. And I-I wanted to ask you to wait for me, that is if you still love me, would you wait for me to get better? I want to love you right. I don't know how long it will take, but I'm going to get there, I promise,” it was more than an apology. I cocked my head, thinking. Could I wait?

“I'll try,” I said. It was the only way to be truthful. I couldn't promise anything, but I would try.

Then he left.

~I won't let you in, let you see me cry.
I can't give you that satisfaction this time
And do you really get what you need
Beating the hell out of me?
You're never gonna spread your disease
So get your hands off of me
I'm so tired of getting up off the floor
I won't take this anymore
I won't take this anymore~

The next time I saw Heero, was more than a year later. Everything had changed. I had changed. I'd been working as an acrobat with Trowa for over nine months and things were so much better. I was working on tying the tent ropes down for the storm that was supposedly on its way when when Heero showed up. I jumped when I turned and saw him. It had been so long since the last time we spoke. I'd almost forgotten that I was waiting for him. I stared at him.

“H-Heero?” I asked. He looked good, so good. I smiled at him. Trowa wasn't there to protect me this time, but I wasn't afraid anymore.

“Hello Duo, I've missed you,” he replied softly, his eyes looking at me warmly. I didn't know what to say or what to do. Then Trowa came out from inside of the tent, wiping his hands on a rag.

“Heero? Why are you here?” he questioned, looking as shocked as Trowa ever looks. Heero smiled.

“I came to take Duo home, if he'll have me,” I blinked. He came to take me home?

“What?” I asked confusedly.

“Duo,” Heero began, grasping my hands in his. I watched him, cocking my head to the side. “I want you to come back to me. I know it's been a long time, but I finally got better. I've been going to therapy and learning how to cope with my anger. I-I love you and I want you back. Would you come back home?” he looked like he might cry if I said no. I'd never seen Heero like this, so sincere and genuine. I blinked several times and looked between him and Trowa. Trowa smiled a little in encouragement.

Maybe it was time I went home. I'd left my whole life behind a year ago to get away and Trowa had put his own life on hold. It was only fair that I give it back to him now. I knew how badly he wanted to go back to Quatre and I knew that the blond had finally asked Trowa to stay with him. I glanced back at Heero. He looked so hopeful.

“I guess so,” I answered finally. Heero's eyes widened impossibly and he smiled. I was completely taken aback when he grabbed me and spun me.

“You won't regret this,” he vowed as he held my hand and I wanted to believe him.



TBC?

What do you think? Sequel?