Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Never Piss Too Close to a Coffin ❯ One-Shot

DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Anything that looks familiar doesn't belong to me. Sue me and all you'll get are the two new T-shirts I got today (Heero with Wing Zero and WuFei with Shenlong! ::cheers:: My aunt got them for me for my sixteenth birthday....go figure all I want is something anime. O.o)

RATING: PG-13 for mild to medium yaoi (doesn't that sound like a hot sauce? Hot...hot sauce...::drools::), language, and just overall strangeness. By the way, Duo DOESN'T actually have a porn site, but if he did I'm sure Kara would be sure to find it. Actually....I'm gonna say that if you're under sixteen, you probably shouldn't read this. But I know you will anyway, so oh well. ^_^

PAIRINGS: Jesus, there are many. There's SO much random sex that it'll make your head spin. I'm going to throw as much 2x3 and 1x5 in here that I can, but there's a 1x4x5 moment, a 1x3 moment, a 3x4 (I think), and for the hell of it, I'll throw in some good ol' 1x2. Oh, and there's also mention of 2x1, 2x4, and some wishing for 2x5 (LOL, Duo gets around, doesn't he?).

ARCHIVES: http://www.fanfiction.net, http://www.mediaminer.org

THANK YOUS: Thanks to Kara for putting up with me and my obsessiveness (::clutches fiercely to her Heero and WuFei plushies::) and also just for being the best friend a girl could have. Thanks to Sarah for being as kooky as she is and for giving me some great material to work with (LMAO, I will picture Zechs saying, "Well, flip my switch and turn me on!" for weeks now). Thanks to Katherine for being so awesome and writing a naughty WuFei/me chapter in her kickass story (Dear God, I'm such a slut...but it's SO much fun!). Thanks to Alli just for being Alli and for giving me someone to talk to (and rant about the Vampire Chronicles with) in English class. Oh yeah! I might as well thank my English teacher, Miss Nugent (we all just call her Nuge) because, honestly, there is not a cooler teacher anywhere. By the way, Nuge, if you ever read this (which I seriously doubt, but anyway), I have two words for you: CAMEL TOE! Oh, and I was TOTALLY not the one that added those two special words into that worksheet for your freshmen that you had up on your computer. That was uh....Nathan's fault....::innocent smile::

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic is purely humorous. There is nothing serious in it whatsoever (unless you consider getting trampled by emus serious). This is pretty OOC and it was written when my friend Sarah decided to give me a challenge fic. Here are the requirements, written verbatim as she wrote them to me on notebook paper:

1. Duo must live through telling WuFei that he "would make such a cute girl".

2. Heero must say the phrase: "It gets bigger the more I rub it!" What he's referring to is "up" to you!

3. Trowa must suggest an orgy involving all 5 Gundam pilots.

4. Quatre must backhand Relena and use the phrase: "Christ on a cracker! Did you push your tampon in too far? 'Cause you've got some *serious* brain damage!"

5. Heero must be caught dancing naked to ABBA's "Dancing Queen".

6. Trowa must be found asleep, grinning, and "mysteriously" handcuffed to Heero's bed.

7. There must be an emu. A real one.

8. A game of "guess whose underwear" will occur, only to reveal that Mr. Winner "hangs free".

9. Still upset over Quatre's "tampon comment," Relena will attempt suicide by inserting tampon after tampon until she bursts, but instead dies from an unknown vaginal disease that was caused from the bacteria of the tampons rotting inside her cheese pussy. (*note* Such a thing would smell INCREDIBLY bad).

10. At the skank's funeral, the boys take turns peeing on her coffin.

11. WuFei owns a No Doubt CD and Quatre owns a Marilyn Manson CD.

12. Trowa can't sleep without his Bubbles (of the Powerpuff Girls) plushie.

13. While on his computer, Heero discovers Duo has his own porn site--when WuFei and Quatre walk in on him "pleasuring himself", Heero asks if they would "like to join".

14. Trowa must have an addiction--to Pez. Strawberry Pez.

15. Zechs must use the phrase: "Well, flip my switch and turn me on!"

So those are the requirements and this is the insane fic. If you can't tell by now, this is yaoi. Totally yaoi. And with just a wee little bit (::sarcasm::) of Relena bashing. Oh! And there might be some bits in here that could be interpreted as WuFei bashing, but trust me, it's not. He's one of my most favorite characters, so I would never really bash him. Just torture him a bit. ::snickers:: He's so easy to tease with that whole "onna/injustice" thing. Anyhoo...Enjoy. Review. And for God's sake, never try to ride an emu.

* Never Piss Too Close to a Coffin *

By: Nomi

For: Sarah, Kara, Rachel, Bethany, John, James (XD!),ff.net, Asuka Kureru (I doubt she's read this, but what the hell-Rachel suggested it!), and lots of other people that find this crap amusing. O.o;

*

Once upon a time, five little Gundam pilots resided comfortably in a safe house somewhere in the woods. With only three bedrooms, they shared them with two to a room while the last remaining one (a certain black-haired onna-hater) was alone, just the way he liked it.

We join these five young bishóunen as they spend a full mission-free Saturday doing what they do best: Being incredibly hot and, in a certain braided baka's case, incredibly annoying.

At eight in the morning, Heero Yuy awoke from an explicit dream about a fellow pilot (we won't name that green-eyed silent one here--Heero needs his privacy) to find large violet eyes peering into his own shocking blue.

On pure instinct, Heero grabbed his gun, which was nestled beneath his pillow, and aimed it between the mysterious person's wide eyes.

"OMAE O KOROSU!" he screeched, but the stalker suddenly thwacked him--hard-- on the side of the head, causing him to drop the gun in pain.

"Jesus, Heero," Duo Maxwell grinned, "I didn't know you could squeal like a girl."

"Duo, what in the hell are you doing?" Heero asked irritably, rubbing the side of his head where the Deathscythe pilot had hit him. With a whine, he exclaimed, "It gets bigger the more I rub it!"

Duo, who was sitting on the Japanese boy's chest, examined the rapidly purpling bruise with a snort. "You're can self-destruct but when you're bitch-slapped you whine?"

Heero sniffled. "Leave me alone. Why are you on me in the first place?"

"We need to start the day off early! I think all of us should spend the day hanging out, maybe play a few board games. You know, be normal."

"Fine, fine. Let's go get breakfast."

*

A delicious aroma wafted through the downstairs portion of the house, rousing those still asleep in the first floor bedroom.

"Dear God, that smells amazing!" Duo said, sniffing the air. Still in their boxers, the two boys padded into the kitchen to see the source of the wonderful scent.

Chang WuFei, his hair unbound and falling just past his shoulders like a curtain of ebony silk, was humming to a No Doubt song (coincidentally, the CD from which this song was taken is currently buried beneath his mattress, next to his Teen Beat subscription and his snapshot of Heero) and flipping pancakes--perfect, golden pancakes--while occasionally tending to the bacon.

Not noticing that he was being watched, he began to sing aloud, twirling as he did so and causing the ruffled hems of his flowered apron to flit about. "Oh, I'm just a girl! Oh little ole me! Well don't let me--"

Abruptly he stopped, having heard a familiar snicker. Mustering as much pride as he could, he quietly returned to the pancakes.

Duo suddenly looped his arm about the Chinese boy's neck. "You know, WuFei, I think you'd make such a cute girl," he stated, eyeing the lustrous black hair, apron, and adorable little pout.

WuFei glared at him. 'Maxwell, do you *want* to die?"

"Not particularly," the American quipped, darting out of the other boy's reach as WuFei made as if to whap him with the spatula. "Actually, I'd like to eat soon. Is it almost ready?"

"Not quite. The sausages don't have enough flavor." He sprinkled his own special seasoning on said sausages, still annoyed (yet secretly pleased) by Duo's comment.

A yawn made all three bishies look towards the now-open door of Trowa's and Quatre's bedroom to see Trowa emerging, something clutched in his arms.

"What's that?" Heero asked the usually quiet boy, indicating the mysterious object in his arms.

"He can't sleep without his Bubbles plushie," Duo said. Heero stared at him.

"How do *you* know?"

Duo fell quiet and refused to answer.

Trowa sat down at the table, the little Powerpuff Girl staring up at him with bright blue eyes as he yawned. Quatre shuffled out of his room, still sleepy and decidedly adorable. His fair hair was mussed, sticking up in a hundred different directions, and he positively fell into the seat beside Heero.

"Morning," he said softly, fighting a yawn.

"Morning, Quatre!" Duo said cheerfully, causing the blonde to wince.

"Wait until I'm awake, Duo..."

"Breakfast is ready!" WuFei announced, setting down the plates of pancakes, sausage, bacon, and fresh cut fruit. "Everyone eat up!"

*

Once the delicious breakfast was consumed and the dishwasher was started, the boys piled onto the couches in the den to figure out their plans for the day.

"We need to do something fun," Duo piped up, chewing on the end of his braid. "Something that each of us can participate in. Something we'll like."

"How about an orgy?" Trowa suggested softly, but no one heard him.

"We can play Clue," Quatre said, thinking hard. "Or Monopoly?"

"No Monopoly," Heero said firmly. "Duo hallucinates and assumes the money is real, therefore mugging each of us in succession. Absolutely *not* games involving money."

"Strip poker!" Duo laughed.

"I said no money."

"Heero, we can play strip poker without money," the braided pilot assured him, not denying his psychotic tendencies when around fake money and competition.

"I still say we have a massive orgy," Trowa muttered. Once again, his request went unheard.

"Mortal Kombat?" WuFei threw out. Heero and Duo glared at him.

"Hell no, Wuffie!"

"Your superior skills are unmatched. I refuse to play with you."

Quatre snickered at Heero's last comment before saying, "How about we try to guess whose underwear is whose?"

"How would we do that, Q-man?"

"Easy. We go into the bathroom--separately, of course--take off our underwear, place it in a box and pull them out one at a time. Then we guess whose is whose."

Trowa blinked. "An orgy still sounds good to me."

*

Ten minutes later, all five boys were congregating around a large box, filled with five pairs of various underwear...or so they thought [A/N: >:D].

Duo clapped his hands together. "Okay, men. Who goes first?"

"I will," Trowa volunteered, reaching into the box. He pulled out a pair of white silk boxers, embellished with a dragon on the front. The dragon's mouth was right where the open slit was, which meant...

"Ew, WuFei!" Duo exclaimed, guessing whose they were before Trowa could even speak. "So when you whip it out, it looks like the dragon's tong--EW!"

WuFei blushed slightly before fixing Duo with his stern obsidian gaze. "The dragons in my clan have long tongues. It's a sign of fertility."

The others cringed and handed him his boxers.

"My turn!" Quatre said happily, shutting his eyes tightly and sticking his hand into the box.

Out came a pair of black briefs. [A/N: LMAO, I'm dying here just thinking about this....]

Puzzled, they all stared at each other, trying to figure out to whom they belonged.

No one noticed Heero Yuy's slight uncomfortable shift to the right.

"Are they yours, Duo?" Quatre asked.

"Hell no! Briefs are *way* too constricting, if you know what I mean."

"Trowa?"

"No."

"Well, they're not mine, so--" Quatre stopped abruptly and stared, open- mouthed, at Heero. "Heero! They're yours?"

Before Wing's pilot could respond, Duo suddenly leaped on him, tackling him. "Heero wears tighty--er, blackies! Why briefs, Heero? Don't you have enough of the family jewels to fit in boxers?"

Heero glared as only he can do [A/N: Come on, girls, collective sigh...::all sigh together:: Theeere we go...]. "I wear spandex. I can't wear boxers." [A/N: ::last collective sigh...for the moment::]

Trowa eyed this spandex, musing to himself. <Too bad he wears any underwear at all. I wonder if any of them go commando...?>

"My turn now!" the American squealed, but Heero smacked his hand as it inched towards the box, leaving a red mark on the braided boy's fair skin.

"No. You stole Trowa's turn, now he steals yours. Trowa, go."

Trowa's long fingers delved into the mysterious box, and he fished around a bit before pulling out black silk...covered in miniature scythes.

"Black silk boxers, Maxwell?" WuFei asked, blinking. "*Black silk*?"

"You have white, what's the difference?"

Trowa handed Duo his undergarment.

"Who's next?" Heero asked. We have two more to go."

Quatre gave a secret smile, anticipating the others' reactions when they discovered his underwear preference.

"I shall choose," WuFei said stiffly, dipping inside the near-empty cardboard box. He pulled out dark blue boxer-briefs.

"These yours, Winner?"

"Nuh uh." The blonde giggled a little.

"Barton. What is the meaning of this injustice?" WuFei snapped. [A/N: INJUSTICE! WEAKNESS! Go WuFei!] "Form-fitting boxers? No respectable man restricts himself so." He gave Heero a sidelong glare, who returned it with a smirk.

Trowa shrugged. "I'm an acrobat. They keep...things...from flopping about.'

Duo winced. "Imagine if Catherine had missed by an inch...and you weren't "restricted", as our dear Dragon Boy puts it..."

Each male in the room protectively covered his crotch.

After a few moments, Heero reached for the box. "Well, it's obvious who's left. Let's see what Quatre wears--"

His hand grasped air. Confused, Heero pulled the box onto his lap and peered inside.

It was empty.

As the others waited in puzzlement, Heero slowly looked up and fixed the innocent blonde with his icy blue stare. "Quatre..."

"Yes, Heero?" So innocent. Except for the devilish smirk, of course.

"What is it?" Duo asked impatiently. "A thong, panties, what?"

Heero gulped. "It's nothing."

"Oh, come on," Duo scoffed. "It can't be *that* bad. Tell us, Heero!"

"It's nothing," the Japanese boy repeated. Quatre blinked cutely when the others glanced at him in suspicion.

"Dammit, Heero, what's he wearing?!"

"He's...."

"JUST SAY IT!"

"Going commando."

Silence.

More silence.

Someone scratched their head.

A cricket chirped.

One by one, the three remaining pilots locked eyes with the Arabian, who was still looking as though he was about to win first place for a Kawaii Bishóunen tournament.

"Quatre," Trowa said, keeping his voice level, "do you really go commando?"

Sea-colored eyes blinked once more. "I prefer to call it "hanging free". You should try it, it's really quite liberating."

Before they could respond to such a statement (WuFei was decidedly scandalized), they heard a strange sound coming from the backyard.

A sound that sounded like a herd of very large...birds.

*

Duo was outside in a flash, the other four pilots right behind him. "HOLY SHIT! IT'S A STAMPEDE OF OSTRICHES!"

"Those aren't ostriches, Maxwell, they're emus!" WuFei shouted.

Sure enough, about thirty emus were racing past the safe house and into the woods, screeching and yammering and kicking up a lot of dirt.

"I wanna ride one!" Quatre exclaimed, eyes shining like a little boy's.

Duo was about to tell him that if he wanted to ride something he could just use Trowa, but his comment was annihilated when something brushed past him, causing him to lose his balance and tumble onto the back of the next passing emu.

As Duo screamed in fear of dying by emu and the boys raced to save him, Zechs Merquise stepped through the front door, hanging his coat on the coat rack and pushing his long, beautiful, platinum blonde hair behind his shoulder. The light hit him just right, giving his hair a soft, lovely shine and adding a crystal sparkle to his gorgeous blue eyes....

*

Jen-chan (also known as Scout-sama) ::in the audience:: Hey, Sarah? Sarah-san: ::eating popcorn:: Yeah, Jen?

Jen-chan: ::sighs:: He's gorgeous.

Kara-chan: ::looks dreamily up at the one and only Lightning Count:: Totally.

All three: ::unified sigh::.

Jen-chan: Okay, on with the scene.

*

Tossing his pale mane behind him, Zechs stepped through the house. "Hello? Anyone home?" Hearing a strange sound from outside, he walked past the kitchen and den to the back door.

Pulling it open, he gasped. "Well, flip my switch and turn me on! Is that Duo Maxwell hanging in a tree?"

Sure enough, a ranting, panicked, completely insane Shinigami was dangling by his leg from a large tree limb. The other four, dusty and dirty and battered from the emu herd--drove?--flock?--pack?--were attempting to extricate the American from the tree.

Zechs leaned against the doorjamb, an amused look on his face. When Duo was rescued, the boys pushed past the Lightning Count as they half-dragged, half-carried a shocked Duo over to the couch.

After about a quarter of an hour and a strong cup of tea (brewed by Quatre, of course), Duo felt much better.

"Okay, so what do we do now?" Heero asked, ignoring Zechs completely.

"Shower," Duo said weakly. "I need a shower."

Trowa nodded. "Okay, so we'll all take showers and--"

"Wait, wait, wait," Zechs interrupted. "Don't you even want to know why I'm here?"

"No," Heero said flatly. Quatre gave him a reprimanding look.

"Yes, Mr. Merquise. Please tell us."

"Thank you, Quatre. I just came to warn you all that my lovely sister is on her way. She'll be here in about an hour. Just figured you should be prepared." He raised one eyebrow elegantly and gave Heero a pointed look.

Heero seemed to wince. "Not her....anyone but her...."

WuFei puffed himself up like a cat. "I do *not* want that filthy blonde onna inside my home! It is an injustice! INJUSTICE, I SAY!"

Zechs rolled his eyes. "Well anyway, I'm off. I'll see you boys later." The Count grabbed his coat and left, leaving behind a trail of cherry-scented shampoo.

*

Kara-chan: ::frantically:: NO! COME BACK, ZECHS! I ADORE YOU!

Sarah-san: ::thwaps her upside the head:: Calm down. Katherine has the entire series on DVD, you can watch Zechs AND Duo all you want.

Kat-san: Damn straight. ^^

Sarah-san: No, damn gay. ^_____^

Jen-chan: Go Sarah, go Sarah!

Sarah-san: ::rolls eyes:: We can watch Gundam Wing tonight, you guys!

Jen-chan: ::sweatdrop:: Not another twenty-four hour marathon of GW!

Sarah-san: ::blinks:: You mean you DON'T want to watch Heero struggle against his bonds while he's strapped to the table? You DON'T want to see WuFei ride the motorcycle? Are you telling me that you DO NOT want to see Trowa bound to the boa--

Jen-chan: Okay, okay! Sheesh! ::grumbling:: We'd better get some more coffee....

*

Heero was in the upstairs shower while Duo claimed the downstairs. He wasted no time shampooing his hair and soaping up--in fact, he was out in under five minutes.

He went into his room and pulled out a clean pair of spandex (no underwear, having taken Quatre's "hanging free is liberating" speech seriously) and a tank top, then turned on his radio, his towel low on his waist.

He froze when he heard the song. <Oh no,> he thought, already feeling his control vanish as the song continued its catchy, tempting beat. <A soldier must maintain control...MUST MAINTAIN CONTROL!>

The notes and words beckoned to him and the Perfect Soldier felt his hips move, seemingly of their own accord, to the pre-colony beat.

He groaned. <I seriously hope no one sees me...> And he began to dance.

*

"Why is Yuy taking so long? How dare he make us wait like this!"

"Do you think he's hurt, Trowa?"

"I don't know."

"Injustice! I will inform him that he is to hurry. Maxwell always takes an hour, Yuy shouldn't be more than ten minutes!"

With that said, WuFei started to race up the stairs, ready to tell off Heero for being such a bathroom hog.

"No, WuFei, don't hurt him!" Quatre said, chasing after the Chinese boy. Trowa was right on Quatre's heels, wanting to prevent any bloodshed (and also getting a nice view of the blonde's shapely rear, which was always a plus).

WuFei threw open the door to Heero's room, an insult in Chinese ready on his lips. It died away, though, when he saw what exactly was taking Heero so long.

A damp towel was in a pool of dark blue cotton near WuFei's feet. The person it had dried was in the middle of the room. Dancing around. Completely nude.

The song playing on the radio hit WuFei's ears and he stared, stunned, as Heero sang along without inhibition, his glorious tan form flitting across the carpet.

"Dear God," Quatre breathed, staring at the Japanese pilot's body. Every muscle was toned and perfect, not too formed but just enough. Every expanse of skin was tan (Trowa wondered if he sunbathed nude), every body part in nice...proportion.

"Dancing queeeen, young and sweet, only seventeeeen!" Heero sang out, sounding strangely in tune. "Dancing queeeen, feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah! You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life..."

He spun around at the right moment, a gigantic, goofy grin plastered on his face, to see the three pilots staring at him in pure unadulterated shock.

Quatre turned away, embarrassed. "Heero, really. I understand better than anyone the joy of walking around naked...but must you *dance* too?"

Heero straightened up immediately, attempting to ignore his lack of clothing. "I was just about to get dressed."

"You were dancing," WuFei pointed out.

"Was not."

Trowa blinked. "Yes, you were. We just saw you."

Heero swiftly picked up his towel at WuFei's feet, who tried hard not to stare at the big, long............scar on his shoulder blade. [A/N: You're all hentais, I swear.... :D]

"Where'd you get that?" he asked.

"Oh, Duo and I were messing around one night and..." He blushed. "Never mind."

"Loose wooden piece on a headboard?" Quatre asked knowingly.

"Yes, how'd you know?"

Quatre gave Trowa the evil eye, to which Trowa just looked away. WuFei glared at them all before stealing the bathroom, muttering about weaklings and injustice.

Quatre, still embarrassed, left the room, saying he was going to check on Duo.

Which left Trowa alone with the Perfect Soldier. Trowa leaned against the wall, folding his arms across his chest. "So...."

Heero stared at him. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Oh."

There was a tense silence.

"Hey, Heero?"

"Yeah?"

"Wanna see if we can break your headboard?"

"Sure."

*

When Duo was finished with his shower, he walked up to Heero's and his room to--what else?--annoy the serious boy relentlessly. What he found was a very abnormal sight indeed.

Oh, sure, Heero typing away at his computer with that 'mission accepted' look on his face wasn't unusual. But a smiling Trowa handcuffed to Heero's headboard sure was.

"Uh, Heero?"

"Hm?"

"Why is Trowa handcuffed to your bed? Asleep?"

"I don't know."

Duo could've sworn that Heero blushed.

"Heero?"

"Hm?"

"Trowa's naked."

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

The American blinked. "Uh, Heero?"

"Yes?"

Duo surveyed the scene once more. Heero was calmly typing away, looking perfectly normal. Trowa was sleeping peacefully, his hands held above his head and bounded by the handcuffs. There was a smile on his face and...Duo looked a little closer. Was that *whipped cream* on his stomach?

"You were going to say something, Duo?" Heero questioned. Duo shook his head. Ignorance was bliss.

"Never mind, Heero. Just....never mind."

*

While Trowa slept on, completely unaware, Heero typed away on his computer. Once his mission report was complete, he logged online to see if he had any e-mail.

There was one, from an unknown address. Curious, he clicked it open, surprised to find out what it had inside:

TO: Omae_o_Korosu@japanesebishies.net FROM: Scythes_are_cool@sexandamericans.com SUBJECT: You wanna see some action?

HOT! HOT! HOT! The hottest male on the web! Click here to see what Duo Maxwell does when he's alone! HOT! HOT! HOT! CLICK HERE NOW!: www.sexandamericans.com/braids/Duowithcamera.html

Heero blinked and re-read the e-mail to make sure it wasn't a typo. He let his cursor glide over the blue link and it turned into a little hand. Should he click?

Biting his lip, he leaned back in his seat, glancing over at Trowa. There was no possible way he would wake up anytime soon--Heero had a lot of stamina and had worn him out easily. But still...

He logged off and shut down his laptop, hurriedly unhooking the cable and running into an unoccupied room (which just happened to be WuFei's, unbeknownst to the now-hormonal Heero). He sat down on the neatly made bed, plugged in his laptop and hooked up the cable, and quickly accessed his account and e-mail.

He didn't hesitate to click on the link this time.

The page took a few seconds to load up, but when it did, Heero was stunned. It was a nice, neat lay-out, with six different areas: About Me, What I Like to Do, WHO I Like to Do, Sex Secrets, Live Camera (come watch me whenever you want, ;D), and Images.

Heero clicked on WHO I Like to Do and was surprised to find his name first in bold.

HEERO YUY: Now this guy is quite interesting. He's silent during the day, yet he screams mercilessly when I screw his brains out. Very fun, actually. Especially when I wrestle him down enough to be on top. :D Anyway....he's a great lay if you're looking for someone who's vocal and has an obscene amount of stamina (example: we once went twelve times in a day). Definitely the best I've ever had.

TROWA BARTON: Quiet during the day, quiet during sex. At first I was disappointed, but then he proved me wrong. He PURRS. Seriously. He purrs like a little cat. It's a big turn on, let me tell you. Oh, and his hands. He has *really* great hands and he knows what to do with them, too. Major bonus.

QUATRE RABERBA WINNER: The sweet and innocent one--RIIIIIGHT. Don't think so. He talks dirty, he screams, he moans, he's basically a live wire when you're doing him. Great sex, trust me. He was the first one to suggest the whole ice-cube thing that I now use every time I get laid.

Heero blinked. So THAT'S where that great ice-cube trick came from.

WUFEI CHANG: Alas, I haven't had the opportunity to nail this pretty little Chinese boy yet, but my time will come soon. He HAS to be great in bed, he's so rigid and stiff (no pun intended) all the time that I'm nearly positive that if he were to be rendered helpless by my hands, I'm sure he'd loosen up. I KNOW he's a screamer. I just know it.

Heero finished reading and went back to the main page, completely stunned. In quick succession, he clicked on everything (disappointed to find that his "live" camera was turned off), saving the images for last. When he clicked on the first one, he grew hard immediately.

It was of Duo bound and handcuffed to a bed--HIS bed--and he was giving a strange little smile of pain and pleasure. Heero didn't know when he'd done this, and he didn't know who'd taken the picture either. He never bound Duo up--well, except for ONE time, but this wasn't it. Strange indeed.

The second one was even more explicit than the first and a sudden urge hit Heero, but he restrained himself.

After the seventh picture, his spandex was discarded and he was rapidly getting the release he needed.

Then the door opened.

*

"YUY! WHY ARE YOU MASTURBATING IN MY ROOM?!" WuFei screeched, stunned to find Heero in yet another strange predicament. Though this was *much* worse than finding him dancing naked to ABBA.

"He's doing *what*?" Quatre asked, peering around WuFei. Heero was sitting there calmly, some kind of porn on his laptop screen, and sure enough... "Heero! You're spanking the monkey in WUFEI'S room?! You know he's going to kill you, right?"

"No he won't."

WuFei blinked, outraged. "And how do you know that, Yuy?"

With infinite serenity, he looked at the two pilots standing in the doorway. "Would you like to join?"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU WEAKLING?!"

"Would you like to join? I'm lonely, there's no one around...Duo's got a porn site....."

Quatre was in the room immediately, kneeling beside Heero and staring at the screen. "He does? Whoa, he does! Hey, is that MY name?"

"Yeah. We're all on here. He's dying to nail WuFei, though."

The Chinese boy spluttered in the doorway. Quatre looked up at Heero. "*Can* we join?"

"Sure. I don't mind."

"Come on, WuFei!" Quatre said happily, talking as though he was just inviting the boy to a pool party instead of a threesome.

"No, thank you."

"Please?" Quatre turned on the big puppy-eyes and the pout, accurately reproducing The Look. Said Look always rendered WuFei into a little puddle of goo.

With a sigh, he walked into the room, shutting and locking the door. "Fine. But we will be *quiet*, do you hear me?"

*

"HEEEEEEROOOOOO!"

The voice from outside jolted Heero awake. He was slumped on the floor, covered in a blanket (courtesy of WuFei) with one arm around Quatre. WuFei must have left sometime before. <Oh well,> Heero thought muzzily, <we'll have an orgy with all of us later.>

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"KILL HER, KILL HER!" Quatre screeched, waking up quite suddenly and looking furious. And adorable. "KILL THAT BITCH NOW!"

Heero stared at the quiet, kind boy. "Q-Quatre?"

The blonde blushed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude--oh no, Heero, if she comes up here looking for you..."

In a flash, both boys untangled themselves from the damp (from the sweat) comforter and hurriedly pulled on their clothes. Quatre noticed Heero lacked underwear.

"You took my advice, didn't you?"

"Damare," Heero grunted.

"What?"

"Shut up!" He fled the room and went downstairs....just in time to run into Relena, who was wearing her usual pink suit, pink clips, and pink heels. All this pink was a big shock to Heero's brain and he tried to think straight, not realizing that she'd latched onto him like a leech.

"Oh, Heero! You must have forgotten about our six-month anniversary yesterday! I bought a gift for myself in your name, though, so don't worry!"

Heero blinked and stood there for a moment. Finally, he nodded his head. "Relena, I have something to tell you."

"Yes, Heero?" Purple eyes shined in adoration at him.

"I hate you."

"Oh, Heero!" She gave a tinkling little laugh. "You're so funny! I know you don't mean that." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and he nearly threw up. "Actually, I'm here to see Quatre. Is he around?"

"I'm right here, Miss Relena," Quatre said politely, looking just a little bit disheveled from his...actions earlier. Heero found out that Duo was right--Quatre was a dirty little slut in the sack.

"Oh, Quatre! I just came to return the CD I borrowed."

"You borrowed one of my CD's?" Quatre's polite little smile was erased and he had a strange glimmer in his eye. Heero knew that Destructive Quatre was about to play.

"Yes. Your Marilyn Manson CD. But I kind of broke in a couple of days ago, so I figured I'd give it back." She handed him the two-piece CD. "I knew you wouldn't mind since you're such a nice pers--"

Without even thinking about it, Quatre backhanded her as hard as he could across the face, causing her to cry out and fall down. With unabridged fury, he glared down at her. "Christ on a cracker! Did you push your tampon in too far? 'Cause you've got some *serious* brain damage!"

Relena looked up in horror at the infuriated Desert Prince, then glanced over at Heero who was looking slightly amused. "Heero! He hit me! What are you going to do about it?"

Heero looked at Relena, then over at Quatre. "This." He shook Quatre's hand. "That was a nice hit, I'm very impressed."

Relena stood up and started to cry. "You watch! You'll be sorry when I'm dead! YOU'LL AAAAALL BE SORRY!"

With that, she left. Quatre bit his lip, now back to his usual sweet self. "Oh dear, I think I may have been a little out of control. Do you think there's still time to apologize?"

"No."

"Oh. Oh boy, I feel so bad..."

"Don't. We all hate her anyway. Besides, it's not like she'd do anything drastic, you know."

* THE NEXT DAY *

"Heero?"

"Yes, Duo?"

"Have you seen the paper today?"

"Yes."

"The obituaries?"

"No."

"Ah."

Pause.

"Why?"< br>
"Because...uh...Relena's dead."

Four more pairs of feet hurried into the den, where Duo was sitting with the paper. They all squeezed onto the couch beside him, a tangle of limbs and hair.

"Ouch! That's my braid!"

"Weaklings, do NOT touch my rear!"

".....Is that Quatre on my back?"

"Oh! I'm sorry, Trowa, I didn't mean to!"

"QUUUIIEEEET!" Duo shouted, finally getting their attention. "Now. It appears that Relena was found dead yesterday by a SWAT team with gas masks. She had apparently tried to shove tampon after tampon into her...ah...you know, hoping to explode, but instead she just got a horrible infection and died from it. It says here that some of the men with gas masks passed out....I wonder why?"

The others looked at him in confusion. Trowa sighed. "Duo, think about the *smell*."

".............EEEEEEWWWWW!"

"Exactly."

"Well, her funeral's later today. Do you want to go?"

"No," was the collective reply. Duo grinned.

"We can...show our "respects" to her, you know..."

They all looked at each other. Each nodded.

"Cool. Let's get ready."

*

Later that evening, before the funeral could start, all five boys stood in a line (wearing dark suits, of course) and looked down upon the face of that she-devil, Relena Peacecraft.

Quatre glared at her. "That bitch broke my most favorite CD. She can't be forgiven for that." When no one was looking, he unzipped his pants.

"Quatre!" Trowa hissed. "What are you doing?"

"I'm showing how much I respect her." With that, he peed on her coffin. Walking away, Quatre felt much better.

Trowa stepped up to Relena, his head bowed. As much as he couldn't stand her, dying by bacterial infection from too many tampons was pretty bad. All that pity fled when he saw what was clutched in her hand.

It was the one thing he was addicted to, the one thing he needed just to survive. He would gladly sell his soul for a lifetime supply of this sacred substance.

Relena had stolen his strawberry PEZ. Trowa looked to the left. Trowa looked to the right. He stole his PEZ back and, as an added insult, unzipped his pants and peed on the coffin, much like Quatre had done. This done, he walked off.

Heero was next in line, looking down at the face of his stalker. Without even thinking about it, he peed on her coffin.

Duo grinned at the large stain on the side of the mahogany box. It was interesting that Quatre had started such a trend. Leaning close so he wouldn't be seen, he peed on the coffin too, for no reason than to start a tradition of peeing on evil onnas' coffins.

WuFei stared as the braided boy left to stand with the other three. He looked around to make sure no one was watching, then leaned close to Relena. He stared at her for a moment, then spat on her face.

"You are the devil of all onnas," he whispered. "May you burn in the almighty fires of Hell for all eternity." And he, like his predecessors before him, pissed on Relena's coffin.

*

"Hey, everyone?" Duo asked once they were back home.

"Yes, Duo?" Quatre said, encouraging him to speak. Duo blinked and a light shined on him, making him look like a strange angel.

"Guys, I learned an important moral today."

"And what's that, Duo?"

"Never piss too close to a coffin. I think I have splinters."

*

OWARI

*

A/N: There. It's done. Sarah's happy, she's on the phone. I'm going to post. Please read and review. I think I may die because my fingers are about to fall off. If you don't read and review, I'll get all the boys to piss on you. Ignore any typos, I don't feel like proof-reading. And seriously, if you DON'T review but you read, I will somehow find out and they WILL piss on you. I promise.

Have a nice day.