Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Nevergreen ❯ Chapter 5

Nevergreen 5/?

Dark settled fast; not the actual time, but the sense of it. Heero helped Trowa make up one of the lounges as a bed while Wufei and Duo set up another makeshift bed in the living room. It wasn't until he was standing there, with a sheet slipping between his fingers, that the reality of it all set in.

"Does he stay here often?"

"I am going to assume you're asking about Duo and not Wufei," Trowa noted dryly, tucking the sheet behind the cushions, creating an impromptu pillow. Heero merely nodded, not trusting his voice to any of the thoughts passing through his mind.

"He stays a few nights a week. He needs the break."

Heero frowned, but he was not sure why. There were several things upsetting him in such small ways that it was impossible to separate them. He knew only that a growing sense of unease was being steadily ignored by his conscious mind, and that it would no doubt lead to trouble as it always had in the past. He did not like thinking of what that man he had glimpsed did to Duo in his free time; how he destroyed his own family. He did not like thinking of the way they were breaking at least five laws he could think of off the top his head, not to mention those he was not thinking of. But he liked the idea that Duo would be there, a few rooms away, safe and happy, and…close.

That, Heero knew, was not such a good thing. He had been here, in a sense, and he thought he might have some idea what Duo could be thinking, but he had no idea bout himself. He had never seen it from this side, but now he was there…too many things were starting to make sense.

"Heero? You okay?"

Heero shook his head and nodded curtly to Trowa, finishing his end of the bed and quickly leaving the room, headed for his own small sanctuary at the back of the house. He almost made it, but he had to go through the living room, and he sensed them both as he entered the room, eyes on him and he ignored them.

His room. Looking over the things inside it looked no more his than any other place he had lived. A few bags stuffed in the cupboard. The laptop on his desk. A single shelf of textbooks. It looked like a students generic room in some boarding room…The kind of room you couldn't really hide anything in…

Heero let himself collapse on the bed and just stared at the wall. It was not as dirty as the walls he remembered and it was a long time before he could convince himself this was not that room, than time had indeed passed, and that he had the memories to prove it. In the end, it was not the color of the wall, or even the warm, lazy breath sneaking in through the open window. It wasn't even the soft buzz of the thick cloud of mozzies obscuring the moon which was a present, almost unnoticed accompaniment to the bush night.

It was the quiet presence of Duo, standing in the doorway, not speaking, just waiting to be invited in. Heero leaned back to look at him but could not bring himself to say anything. Not that he really needed to. Duo came in, looked quickly about and went for the desk chair, dropping into it as if it were in the classroom. The comparison did not sit well with Heero. Something about it just…hurt.

Duo's eyes moved lazily over the room and Heero could hear his thoughts; could see them written clearly on his face. They were the same things Heero thought when he looked around. No one lives here. They just…exist here. Move in circles around who they might be but never actually make it. It was…lacking something.

Duo's gaze fixed itself on the laptop and he raised an eyebrow questioningly. Heero just waved his hand lazily in permission and he heard the distinct click of the laptop being opened, the soft hum of it booting up, the soft light of the screen. When Heero looked over Duo looked like some ghost, part of the night and not of the world. He was staring fixedly at the screen, head cocked to the side, face unreadable. Heero could not tear his eyes away, too absorbed in Duo himself, in the way his shoulders were slowly drooping, loosening, some tension fading even as it was replaced with something else; a curiosity found only in the eyes as he turned away from the screen to look at Heero. Their eyes met and Heero felt the old agony rising, the pain that he had thought faded tearing through him, and the fear threatening to spill.

Why was he here? Why had he come? Had he run away? Was it the wrong thing? What was he going to do out in the middle of nowhere with no friends, no family, no contact with his life whatsoever? What did he hope to achieve? What had he done?

It was the name of the place…Something about the name…

Duo stood, waited for what seemed like an eternity for something Heero couldn't even begin to fathom at that point in time. Eventually, Duo sighed and leaned down, face mere millimeters from Heero's as he forced Heero to pay attention to him.

"Roads don't go anywhere, Heero Yuy. They're just roads. It's the places that matter, and the people in them." And he was gone, out the door, closing it softly behind him and while Heero could hear him talking softly to Trowa and he could sense the three of them quietly making their way around the house turning off the lights, they all seemed a lifetime away to Heero; a world apart. He was removed from them by his own thoughts and shattered dreams, and at the same time he was very much aware he was there, and not somewhere else, and that some part of him did not want to be anywhere else.

It was the name of the place…Shivering, Heero rose. He looked over at the laptop and spent several minutes staring at the image of them on the desktop, together and smiling. It had somehow made its way there once again. Heero didn't bother looking for the picture of the wheat field. He would see it soon enough. He did not bother to go through his door, not wanting to have to explain what he was doing. He just had to go. He had to see. Had to be there and know why he had come. And it had to be now. Pulling on the joggers he had shoved in his closet, he pushed the screen out of the window and jumped into the yard, making his way along the side of the house to the gate.

"Baa."

Heero looked down at the lamb and shook his head. It cocked its head at him and baa'd again before bounding away to play in the moonlight. Heero watched it for a full minute before his hands opened the gate of their own accord and his feet walked through.

He was sure someone must have heard him go into the garage; the grating of the old rusted door as he hauled it loose was not something easily ignored, but no one came to see what it was. Had they somehow managed to miss the door, then the soft purr of the BMW as it came to life would have done the trick. Heero rubbed his hands over the steering wheel, familiarizing himself with not only the car, but the person he was when he drove it. He liked this car; hell, had loved it before the existence of the Ute had been so abruptly brought to his attention. There was just something about it…the smell of the leather, the softness of the seat, the hardness of the wheel…It all combined to say rich bitch, but he wasn't rich. It all combined to say stuck-up snob, but he wasn't stuck-up. It all combined to say a lot of things, but in the end all it was was a contradiction, and that contradiction was Heero Yuy. He had forgotten that when he locked his car away in the garage…He'd only been there three days and he had already forgotten.

What did that mean? Did one forget things so quickly in the Bush? Is that how time slowed, how you lived a thousand lifetimes without ever knowing it? It was so slow you forgot, and in the forgetting were born again? Heero wanted to forget…but he was forgetting the wrong things. He knew before he could forget he had to remember something.

And it was the name of the place…

He backed the car out quickly, aware of a shadow over the window of the lounge room. He thought it was probably Wufei and was disappointed with himself for wishing it was someone else. Were wishes dollars…But they're not.

The night gives the Bush an entirely new meaning. Daytime beyond the Blues is all gold and sky; a wicked parody of heaven belied by the drought and fear of constant failure within its people. But at night the sky turns black as pitch, ruled by a moon made of haunting burnt umber, distorted by nothing, the stars too bright and multicolored as they wink above a landscape of ghost white gums and pale fields of wheat. It is a darker world, filled with secrets that rip themselves open and spill themselves all over any trespasser that dares think he might belong. And Heero Yuy knew he was that trespasser as he forced the car up a gear to speed faster through the dark.

Shadows shifted sullenly, reaching out to graze the sleek length of the vehicle, the heat haze still roaring off the road, burning the undercarriage, probing the thick metal, seeking more; driving deep. Heero reached forward, slamming his fingers into the stereo, randomly flicking through the stations to find something, anything, to clear the noise in his head. Static, static, static…

`Would you employ me…

Only to destroy me...'

The last lines of the song faded out and Heero stabbed at the buttons once more, trying to shut it off, not wanting to hear any more, but the right one eluded him and a new voice startled him as it blasted through the speakers at full volume. Heero stared at the stereo in disbelief. He could have sworn that was…

Spanish. Heero stabbed at the channels again and went through three more Spanish channels before finally coming across something in English.

`You're listening to 99.9, Rock FM! This is WildWill, waiting for your calls. Remember, tonight we're seeking the meaning of life. Can we help you find it? Give us a call and let's find out.'

Heero huffed loudly and glared out the window, but one of the slight rises in the lay of the land sparkled in the moonlight from the angle he was looking at and he knew instinctively he was staring at metal. Instinctively, he reached into the center console and pulled out his mobile phone, switching it on and waiting as it powered up. He blinked three times as he stared at the little screen, but every time there were two slim bars of reception.

"Fuck me…" The phone started to vibrate in his hand and the screen told him he had a message. Then it continued to vibrate and he had three messages, four, seven, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, fifteen and his little inbox was full. There were fifty nine voice messages. He just didn't want to know, so he ignored it all and dialed Telstra services.

`Jane speaking, can I help you?'

"99.9 Rock FM."

`What area is that in Sir?'

Heero looked around him and saw the low lying hills of the seven sisters not far away. He had no idea why he had taken this road, but it gave a fair idea where he was.

"Central West, area code 68."

`One moment Sir….Dialling.'

Heero waited impatiently, hoping there were no cops around as he continued to speed while talking on a mobile phone. Getting booked, however, was the last thing on his mind.

"99.9 Rock FM, this is WildWill, and who is calling us this fine evening?" Heero panicked, blinked, and wondered what had bloody possessed him to make him call and why the hell he wasn't hanging up.

"Wing."

"Well Wing, we're talking about the meaning of life tonight, so how can I help you?"

Heero thought he could drive out toward Condo, find his BMW and stand in the middle of the road while he ran over him, but he doubted WildWill really wanted to hear his honest opinion.

"Life is only important because we die, right?"

"Ah…some believe that's the case Wing, and it is a very valid observation. But yes, I think if we lived forever life would cease to have the same importance it does now…"

Heero nodded to himself, thinking the guy was a complete dip-shit and wondering why the hell anyone in their right mind would listen to his show before promptly reminding himself that he was actually talking to said dip-shit.

"Then, does love have to die before it has meaning?"

The radio channel was dead for a moment and Heero actually found himself looking down to check that it was still turned on. Confident that he had not turned it off or hung up the phone, he waited patiently, trying not to think about the question he had asked even as he strove desperately to hear the answer.

"Love is a beautiful thing, Wing. We love while we're in love and love that we loved when we cease to love. I think it has meaning either way, don't you?"

Heero didn't know. He stared at the road before him, at the seemingly endless way it rolled on before him, behind him, without him…It had no meaning. He was going nowhere. But when he was not on it; when he saw it on a map, then it seemed to go somewhere.

Just like with him…when they were together it hadn't really gone anywhere; hadn't really had meaning to him because he had not had to think about it, but once he was off the road, cast aside, stationary and locked on the outside…the road looked like it went somewhere, like it had a name and a home and…it looked like salvation, of a sort.

WildWill was talking to himself, trying to cover for `Wing's' sudden quiet, and Heero suddenly heard the disengage signal on his phone, so he hung up his end too and just drove until he reached the fat, bulbous wraiths of Yarrabandi silos. There, he pulled over, parked his car, climbed out and crawled up onto the hood, leaning back on the cool windscreen and staring at the stars as he started flicking through his messages.

We're heading over to the Den. See you there at 7? N.

Hello? Den…where are you? Noin said you were coming! She's drinking me under the fucking table…save me! A.

Heero? What's going on? Where the hell are you anyway? A.

T says you're out West somewhere. What the hell's going on Yuy? N.

Hey baby…answer your damn phone.

Hello. This is a phone. Try answering it once in a blue moon! N.

You're starting to worry me baby.

Treize won't tell me where you went…call me babe…let me know everything's okay.

Hey; the girls are worried. They keep calling. What do you want me to tell them? J.

If you don't call me in 24 hours I'm filing a missing persons report…N.

Baby…please. Call. I don't care what time it is. I'm worried. Please…just call.

Kid…you okay? J.

Okay, so I didn't file a report, but for fuck's sake Yuy, call SOMEONE! Anyone, just let us know you're alive! N.

There were more…so many more, all along the same vein. Heero deleted them all, and as more flooded into the suddenly empty inbox he deleted those too. He could not bring himself to care, and there was something incredibly liberating about knowing he didn't have to call them. That they could not find him. Hell, even if they filed the damn missing persons report he imagined it would take the cops weeks, maybe even months to find Condo, and he doubted they would ever bother to come looking for him once they realized where he was. He was beyond the Blues, beyond the line, and had pretty much fallen off the face of the world. He didn't necessarily think that a bad thing. It just wasn't a good thing either. It wasn't really anything, really.

The voice messages were similar, just more numerous and more pointless. They lacked reality somehow, so far removed from the world he laid in that they seemed a couple of lifetimes away. He felt no interest in calling them; no desire to hear their voices. Nothing drove him to be near them. Rather, he was feeling the pull in the opposite direction.

So he deleted them all and he dialed a number. Taking a deep breath, he waited for the answering machine to pick up, knowing perfectly well the old man would not bother to pick up, and he left a message. His last message.

"J. I'm not coming back. I'm tossing this phone. I'll call if I need anything. Goodbye."

Staring at the phone, Heero felt a strange grin pulling at his lips and a laugh gurgled out, spilling forth as he stretched back and tossed the phone up, high into the air, watching as it was swallowed by the night and silo together, the dull thunk of its landing echoing inside the silo walls. Heero doubted the phone would ever be seen or heard of again.

Getting back in the car, Heero grabbed the map from the glove box and stared at the scribbled lines running all over the colored landscape. It had much more colour on paper than in reality, and yet, those colours were nothing like the real ones. They lacked…everything. They lacked the places, and the people. They were just…

Heero blinked, folded the map entirely too carefully and put it back in the glove box as he started up the car. He drove back onto the road, heading the way he had come and had just revved the car into fourth when a flicker of movement caught his eye; a flash of dark beige and he slammed on the breaks.

The roo rebounded off the bonnet, legs kicking wildly as it slipped on the metal, landed the wrong way and skidded under the wheels, the car bucking and grinding as it tried to right itself, the carcass flying out the back, bouncing and then shaking as it lay in the middle of the road.

Heero put the car in park and just sat, breathing heavily as he stared at the roo in the rear view mirror. It was still kicking, making a piteous hollow noise as it drew in and exhaled its last breaths. In and out, in and out…Heero could almost hear the breaths as he watched the chest rise and fall and rise and fall and…

And he growled as he got out of the car, grabbed his pocket knife from the cup holder and stalked back down the road to the roo. It was far too simple to open its throat and let the thick hot juices flow over his fingers. He watched it dribble out, segue over the warm tar as the chest finally stilled and the black eyes turned glassy and empty. He allowed himself to stare a while longer before he grabbed hold of the legs and hauled it off the road, dumping it far enough away that every car that passed would not get a nose full unless the window was down.

He moved to the front of the car then, critically analyzing the damage, estimating he owed himself a new bonnet and bumper grid at the very least. Sighing heavily, he got in and just drove away, heading for the distant lights of a town he was starting to find familiar, and as far away from his life as it was possible to go.

The house was dark when he arrived, the lights out. Heero didn't put the car in the garage, but left it on the street, knowing it would need a clean and a trip to the nearest car dealership. He idly wondered if the insurance company had ever had a BMW hit by a roo…probably. In some other town no one had ever heard of. It amused him somehow.

"You're rather late…or early I suppose."

Heero turned to face Trowa quietly, wondering why he had not noticed the man was there. Waiting for him. In the gutter. Trowa seemed perfectly oblivious to Heero's disgruntled self, nodding his head toward the side gate and walking through it, not waiting to see if Heero would follow. Because of course, Heero did, though he could not say why. He was…out of balance tonight. Looking for something that could not be found in any place he was familiar with. Looking for a something on a road that led to nowhere.

Heero scanned the yard as he closed the gate, catching sight of Sandstone under his bedroom window, licking the bricks. He smiled to see it, but continued to follow Trowa to the back fence, where they crawled up the thin metal to sit on the edge overlooking the paddock of pale wild oats and the river at the bottom of the hill, filled with its dark willow trees that swayed gently in the water currents. The night was…dark, and filled with shadows. It was a reflection of how he felt; of his own uncertainty.

"I'm sleeping with Quatre."

Heero's gaze narrowed as he watched the oats shift in the light breeze. He had known, of course, but had not expected Trowa to tell anyone, least of all him. But then…Duo knew, didn't he? And Wufei…Was this Trowa's way of welcoming him completely to the group, or something else? Was he expected to share his own secrets? Heero was more than a little dismayed to realize he didn't mind that idea.

"I was listening to the radio as I went to bed."

Fuck! Heero couldn't help but look over, suddenly snared by Trowa's eyes; both of them and he realized Trowa had his hair brushed back behind his ears, pale face glowing in the moonlight and he looked…alive, as he rarely did during the day. Was this the Trowa Quatre got to see? Heero could not know but he thought he liked the man he could see…It took a little of the sting out of the revelation.

"I was sixteen when we got a new Phys Ed teacher," Heero said quietly, looking down at his feet and the oats brushing against the soles of his shoes.

Trowa smiled sadly, looking up at the moon and the wide, gaping craters in it. The burnt colour had faded, leaving it grey and desolate. Melancholy moon as it hung over their heads.

"Duo isn't you."

Heero smiled sadly. "I know." He looked up then, sharing Trowa's view of the sky. "But the fear is the same."

It was Trowa's turn to smile as his hand snaked out and caught a santa claus that floated by, the small whisp of white fluff held momentarily as Trowa closed his eyes before releasing it. Heero waited until his eyes opened once more.

"What did you wish for?"

Trowa just smiled and shook his head. They both knew the rules. So they sat together in silence and thought about their wishes as the sky slowly lightened, the fake dawn sluggishly staining the world as the sun prepared to rise.

In time, Trowa reached over and touched Heero's shoulder as he leapt down off the fence.

"Don't let him be afraid forever, Heero." And he sauntered off toward the house, leaving Heero to wonder just which `him' Trowa was referring to as the sun broke over the horizon and send beams of light into the waking world.

And Heero could not help but wonder why the artist who loved to see the sun set had not stayed to see it rise over the land that while not green, was nonetheless all the colors heaven was meant to be.