Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Northern Star ❯ Northern Star ( One-Shot )

Title: Northern Star

Author: Alexa

Disclaimer: GundamW characters, likenesses, and plotlines belong to Sotsu Agency, Sunrise, Bandai, T.V. Asahi, and the Cartoon Network. The song 'Northern Star' belongs to Hole and appears on the album 'Celebrity Skin'. The story belongs to me and may not be reproduced without my permission (which will almost certainly be given, so long as you ASK!)

Author's Notes: Senior year is too much effort. I'm officially on strike until I finish this piece! This takes place shortly before Endless Waltz. Also, if you can, I seriously recommend listening to the song while reading this, because it completely fits. That is all.

Warnings: Depressing, language, references to sex, self mutilation.

***

I'm kneeling here, Milliardo. Une says there's something wrong with me because I keep coming back here. Of course, she only dares suggest that there's something wrong with a top Preventer behind closed doors, but I know they all agree with her.

And I cry and no one can hear

Hell, I think I agree with her sometimes. I mean, for God's sake, I'm talking to a dead man whose body was never found. I'm talking to a dead man when there's no chance he's alive. There is something wrong with me.

Inhale

I forget to breathe sometimes. I was thinking about you in the office the other day, imaging what you would say if you saw me now. You'd tell me I look like shit. I was so upset by that realization, I didn't know until they woke me that I'd passed out from lack of oxygen.

The blinded eyes that see

If I could force myself to, I would turn around and leave now. But I'm rooted to this spot. For some reason, I feel like you can hear me from here. I know, I know, silly little Noin with her rosary clutched in both hands, kneeling on a cold stone floor in a church somewhere in Italy. You'd think I'd gone nuts. You'd agree with everyone else.

The chaos

The world is at peace, Milliardo. The EarthSphere is calmed down. If you were alive, I would tell you that it was safe to return now. Even if people only knew you as That Crazy Man Who Tried to Blow the World Up Last Year, I would still be That Crazy Woman Who Talks to Dead Unrecovered Bodies. We could be a pair.

Bring the pitiful to me

I woke up screaming last night. You weren't there next to me to reassure me like you were, most nights, at the Academy. I remember the first time that happened. You couldn't believe me, could you? You must have thought I was crazy then, too.

Even though I'm wide awake, I will

When did it get so dark outside? There are goosebumps on my arms, and the monks are beginning to light more candles. It's nice to get back to several centuries ago, kneeling here, my knees frozen to the ground, monks lighting these huge beeswax candles and calling me Signiora Noin.

And blackest night and I wait for you

Noin was my mother's name. I don't think I ever told you about my mother, did I? I'm an illegitimate child, Milliardo. How's that? You died the lover of a bastard. Bet that would have made your sister very happy to know.

It's cold in here there's no one left

Ow. Crosses made of nails are sharp. On the upside, you never learn what a relief physical pain is from mental or spiritual pain unless you try it. Perhaps you did, Milliardo. Or would you look at the faded scars on my arms now and wonder what caused them?

And I wait for you

You did, the first time we made love. I remember your fingers on them. Here, I'll gauge a new one for you. God, that hurts, but the pain inside is a little less. I can imagine your fingers on that one too, tonight.

And nothing stops it happening

I'm afraid, Milliardo. Good Lord, I'm terrified. Are you truly dead? Have you left me all alone, forever? I loved you, you know. I thought we'd get married and have children. I suppose I should have realized you're just not the marrying type.

And I knew, I'd cherish all my misery alone

I'm afraid to die, too. What if I die and there's nothing? What if all that Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory crap is just that: crap? What if I die and there's nothing but blackness, forever? What if I die, and you're not there?

And I wait staring at the Northern Star

You weren't afraid, were you? In those last moments, was there fear? Did you look down at the Earth and feel proud of what you'd done, or terrible? Did you feel regret? I know you didn't regret me...you never truly loved me. Did you regret Relena?

I'm afraid it won't lead me anywhere

Is that a tear? Look at this, you've made me cry again. I suppose I should finally get this over with and tell you...I've had your child. He was born two and a half months ago. I know we haven't talked like this before...I was too afraid.

He's so cold he will ruin the world tonight

He looks like you. All pale hair and skin. Pale eyes, and sometimes I swear I can almost see you peeking out of them. But of course not. You're truly gone, aren't you?

All the angels kneel into the Northern Lights

No, you can't be gone. That's a silly thought from a silly woman. You wouldn't miss anything like that. Not your child. You have to be out there somewhere.

Kneel into the frozen lights

I've done my best to emulate you. I've tried so hard to do what you would have done, had you lived. I've tried so hard to fight for the causes you would have fought for. I've tried to pay for your death and the deaths of all those soldiers with my life.

And they paid, I cry and cry for you

I'm so tired of paying, Milliardo. Can you stop the world for me? I'm tired of people waving pictures at me as I walk into buildings, trying to imprint upon me the faces of their children, brothers, sisters, husbands or wives that died during the wars. I remember all those faces, and each time it's one more soul I have to live for.

Ghosts that haunt you with their sorrow

I tried to kill myself. Not recently...don't worry. I'm better now. I took a knife to my wrists the day they found a chunk from your ship. It was five months after you'd died, and that whole time I'd hoped you were still alive, maintained a brave face for everyone else.

I cried 'cause you were doomed

You're in Hell, aren't you? That's why you don't answer me. I've wished and prayed for a sign that no matter what reality you were in now, you were happy. And I haven't gotten any. I'm so sorry, love. I'm so sorry...

Praying to the wound that swallows

You never understood the pain of being illegitimate, of feeling unwanted. But you've passed that on to your own child. I'm hoping my love for him will keep him from undergoing the pain I've had. Would you have married me the next day, if you'd come home?

All that's cold and cruel

No, you wouldn't, would you? I was just another one night stand for you, wasn't I? A one night stand with a longer shelf life. You never loved me. You prefered to die, rather than come home to me in a peaceful world.

Can you see the trees, charity and gratitude

I saw a photo from the end of the second World War. It was taken in New York City, in the US Area, Earth. A man, a sailor, leaning a beautiful woman back in a passionate embrace, their lips together in a loving kiss. I always fantasized that that would be us.

They run to the pines

The candles around me have burned out. I probably should have been home an hour ago. Oh well, Une in babysitting, and she'll be fine if I fill you in a little more, right? Of course she will.

It's black in here blot out the sun

There's blood on the floor from the cut I gave myself a while ago. Hm...looks deeper than I meant it to be. That hasn't happened in years. I'll have to be more careful next time.

And run to the pines

I like to think that if you were home now, we'd be crowded around the fireplace, drinking eggnog and eating pie, laughing with our son. But you're...

Our misery runs wild and free

...dead...

And I knew, the fire and the ashes of his grace...

Oh God, deliver me.

And I wait staring at the Northern Star

This isn't happening. THIS IS NOT MY LIFE.

I'm afraid it won't lead you very far

You're laughing now, aren't you? You're saying...

He's so cold he will win the world tonight

"Noin, you silly girl. Kneeling in a freezing abysmal church in the middle of some peasant town on Earth praying to a dead man who isn't there. Go home to your child and warm yourself."

All the angels kneel into the frozen lights

You're in Heaven laughing at me, aren't you? You're looking down at me from your fluffy white clouds, mocking me with my silly struggles and cuts bleeding down my arms.

Feel their hearts they're cold and white

You never did care, did you? You were always laughing at me, laughing at the silly peasant girl Noin.

And I want you

But you were so beautiful. You were beautiful inside when you tried. You were beautiful when you died for the world, the world that you yourself almost obliterated.

And blessed are the broken

So of course you went to God. You went to Heaven because you died in a way I will not, when my turn comes. You died without fear.

And I beg you

You never loved, so you had nothing to lose. You bastard.

No loneliness, no misery is worth you

You're alive, aren't you? Alive, on some tropical island, being served by some blonde triangle bimbo who is as attractive as you are, and about as emotional. I knew there was something wrong with me - you never did call me by my first name.

Oh tear his heart out cold as ice it's mine

Well, fuck you. I hate you. You weren't worth the suffering, the pain you caused. You freak. Never come near me or my son; I'll kill you. I hate you, you God damned fucking manwhore.

And I wait praying to the Northern Star

I'm sorry, that was inappropriate. My Lord, forgive me for taking you name in vain repeatedly tonight. It's been an excessively trying time for me.

I'm afraid it won't lead you anywhere

I've looked for you, Milliardo. I've been all over the EarthSphere, and I've begun looking on the colonies, but you're so damn hard to find. Are you looking for me?

He's so cold raining on the world tonight

No. Of course not. No love for Noin.

All the angels kneel into the Northern Lights

I'm going home now. I have son to care for. I came here tonight to finally bury you. I can mourn you now, but I have to accept your death. You're gone.

And I pray begging to the Northern Star

I have to move on. I have to accept.

I'm afraid it won't lead you anywhere

I must. This is my lot, miserable as it is.

He's so cold he will rule the world tonight

You know, if you'd lived you would have been famous for being the man who saved the Earth. Would that have been enough to make you live? Please come back.

All the angels kneel into the Northern Lights

Milliardo...God, I hate you sometimes. You were always so damn obstinate.

Kneeling to the frozen lights

Strangest thing just happened. Standing in the doorway of this church, massaging my sad knees, a star went out.

Feel their hearts they're cold as ice...

I love you.