Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ notice ❯ Puzzle ( Chapter 4 )

Title: Puzzle

Overall Rating: NC-17 for mature themes. Not for the impressionable.

Chapter Rating: NC-17

DISCLAIMER: The series Gundam Wing and the characters therein do not belong to me. I'm just putting them in different situations to see how they react.

Chapter Summary: Heero finds out what is happening with Duo.

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"Let's get out of here. We need to talk." Duo just nodded meekly as I took his hand and led him back to table.

As we said our good-byes, Quatre caught my eye. "Keep in touch," he said. I nodded in understanding. I would keep them posted about what I found out.

We made the trip home in silence. Duo just sat and stared out of the window next to him the entire way.

When we got home, Duo curled up on one end of the couch, knees drawn up and arms wrapped around his legs. I sat at the other. I watched him for a moment. He sat there huddled and miserable. He was acting as if I was about to interrogate him. I wasn't sure where to start until I noticed the dictionary still sitting on the table.

"The guys said that you were asking for their definition of the difference between a slut and a whore." He just nodded. "Can I ask why?"

"I was just curious," he said, his voice a bit muffled. He had resting his forehead on his knees, hiding his face.

"Is that what you were looking up in the dictionary?" Another nod. "What did you find out?"

"The dictionary version was a slut was an unkempt woman while a whore was someone that slept around or a prostitute. Wufei and Quatre said the same thing that I thought. A slut was someone that slept around and a whore got paid for it. Trowa said something slightly different. He said that a whore always meant someone who would use sex, either the actual act or just flirting and/or appeal, for personal gain, while a slut was more someone who slept around for the heck of it, sort of a nymphomaniac."

This was going nowhere. I thought about all the times that Duo had gotten me to open up. I'd imagine that hardest one for him was after the Dekim Barton Incident. It was hard for me to actually verbalize my fears that I would never be allowed to stop killing. Suddenly, I an idea. "Duo, can I trust you?"

His head shot up and he stared at me in surprise. "Of course you can. You know that."

"If there was something going on, and I needed to talk to someone, I could always come to you, right? No matter how bad it may be?"

"I'll always watch your back, no matter what."

"But that doesn't work the other way? I can't be there for you, when you need me?"

Duo's head dropped again. "You're always so busy. I didn't want to bother you," he said softly.

I moved over to sit next to him. 'Unfolding' him, I draped his legs across my lap and pulled him to rest against my chest, holding him close. I told him about my eavesdropping on his conversation, what I'd observed the past week and my thoughts on what I'd seen. He had no reaction at all, until I'd mentioned seeing him with his gun.

"You were thinking about killing yourself, weren't you?"

He nodded. "I'd thought about it, but decided not to," he said quietly, "not yet anyway."

"You didn't think about what that would do to the rest of us, though did you?" I chided. I was about to continue along the same lines when I felt him shrink into himself. I paused, thinking about all the times I'd attempted the same thing. Of course, I was in a war at the time. But that was just an excuse. I wasn't 'trying' to kill myself, right? Sure, you can believe that. I knew better.

"But you don't always think of that, do you?" I asked him, my voice gentler. "Sometimes all you 'can' think about is the pain, right?"

Duo looked up at me, eyes bright with tears. "Sometimes, all I can think about is making it stop hurting."

"I know, I remember." I pulled him into a tight embrace. "But you aren't alone in this like I was."

"But…"

"No buts. You have me and the rest of the guys watching your back. You've always been there to help us. Let us help you now. Let me help, if I can. Even if all I can do is listen. Talk to me, Duo, please? Tell me what happened."

It took a few minutes, and several hitching breaths, but Duo started to finally open up.

"I've always sort of thought of myself as a slut, ya know? It's not really something to be proud of, but it didn't bother me, not really. I mean, I've ended up sleeping with almost every guy I've gone out with."

That surprised me. I tried to keep silent, to not judge him, but couldn't. "Why would you do that?"

"You know, I didn't know myself until recently. I just did. Then I think I figured it out."

I just waited for him to continue.

"I've always done what was 'expected' of me. I was a street rat on L2. It was 'expected' that I would steal to survive. I did. Then I was found by Dr. G. I was 'expected' to fight in the war, and win. I did, that, too." I could feel his grin against my chest. "Ok, so I had help with that one," he conceded. "But I still did what was expected of me. It was the same when I went out. They sort of 'expected' me to sleep with them. It didn't always happen, but mostly. A couple of them just wanted to go out with me, nothing more." He paused again.

"I guess I'm sort of a pacifist when it comes to me…to my own wants or needs." He made a sound that wasn't quite a laugh. "Move over Relena, here comes Shinigami."

I smiled at that, remembering the thought I'd had before. I had to tell him. Later. I didn't want to interrupt his train of thought.

"Anyway, like I said, being a slut didn't really bother me that much. But I'd never felt like a whore until last week."

I waited, but the silence continued. "What happened?"

Duo took a deep breath, then sighed. "I guess it really started with Robert. He'd invited me over, strictly for sex. Going out was never mentioned. I was supposed to meet him at 10:10, exactly, and be gone by a quarter of 2. We'd have 'about four hours for our love-making' was how he'd put it. I know it sounds strange, but he had all the right excuses. He told me that he used to be in a relationship with his roommate, but they weren't anymore. The apartment lease was in both names, so he couldn't be thrown out. He wasn't working at the moment, but he was looking, and couldn't afford a place on his own, so he was staying there. He kept emphasizing that he wasn't in a relationship with his roommate anymore. I figured I could handle that. I could understand. I didn't mind him having a roommate. Why should I? I do after all. The specific timing sort of rubbed me the wrong way, but I have to admit, the things he said he wanted to do really turned me on, so I was going to go for it.

"Then I met the guy from the club. We'd talked a bit that day and he asked me out. I thought that since I hadn't been with Robert yet, I would go out with him. I was thinking about 'dating' him and 'sleeping with' Robert. I don't usually do something like that, it's always been only one at a time, but the guys at work kept suggesting that I "play the field" while I could, so I thought I'd give it a try.

"I wasn't planning on having sex that night, I really wasn't. I just thought we'd go out, have a good time, and that would be all. I was wrong.

"It started out ok. We met at the designated location as planned. Then I followed him to his place to "leave my car in a safe place". I thought it was a good idea at the time. Then we took his car to the club. It wasn't bad, for a country place. There was a live band that was pretty good. I didn't know any of the songs, but the music was great. We sat right by the stage, at the bar surrounding a sunken dance floor. The positioning was perfect. I could watch either the band or the dancers. You know how I love to dance, so I kept watching the dancers trying to figure out the steps." He chuckled a bit. "I'll never figure out country dancing. Too many steps to remember. The guy I was with kept his distance while we were there. We danced once, but mostly just sat and listened. After a while he asked if I wanted to get out of there. I admit I was a bit disappointed, ending the date so early, but agreed. As we drove I thought about asking where we were heading to, but didn't. We ended up back at his apartment. I was really disappointed then. I figured I'd done something wrong. Maybe he didn't like me after all.

"But he didn't walk me back to my car, he headed inside. I just followed, not really sure what to expect. Looking back, I guess I should have known, but I didn't at the time.

"Anyway, he poured me a drink then started fiddling with the TV remote. He said that he'd just gotten a new satellite dish and wasn't quite sure yet just how the thing worked. He was perched on a chair at the time. I'd sat on the couch, in the middle to sort of leave things open in case he wanted to snuggle while we watched TV. He finally figured things out and turned the TV to a country station. I figured that I would spend a few minutes being totally bored, then make an excuse to come home. After all, I wasn't expecting anything, right? Neither one of us had made any advances. He'd never touched me, except to dance that once, and I hadn't tried anything. Not that I was aware of, anyway.

"He moved to sit next to me and put his arm around me. We sat there for a minute, just watching the TV. I looked up at him to make my excuses, when he kissed me. I was totally surprised at that. He hadn't even come near me for the past few hours, and now he was kissing me?

"I wasn't sure what to do. He was obviously expecting me to kiss him back, so that's how I reacted. I was just so used to doing what was 'expected' of me after all. I could handle a make-out session. No problem. The next thing I knew, he had me by the hand and was leading me down the hall. Yep, the bedroom. I started to get an idea of what was next.

"Things didn't exactly happen as I thought they would. We didn't end up tumbling onto the bed immediately. No, we stood there next to it, just kissing for a while. I remember thinking that things were more comfortable on the couch, but didn't argue.

"I worked it out later. I won't argue or fight, just go along. But I won't go back. That's why I said that I probably wouldn't see the guy again. Strange, huh? A Gundam pilot that won't fight back?

"Anyway, we stood there, kissing. Then his hands came into play. They started roaming. He pulled my shirt off, and started sucking on my chest. It felt good, until he started twisting my nipples. That hurt. But he would stop, so again, I didn't argue. Things progressed to what was essentially, a mutual masturbation session. I wasn't really comfortable at all. He was just enough shorter than me that my back started to hurt.

"You could have just left," I pointed out softly.

Duo didn't answer for a long while. I was afraid that he thought I was judging him.

Finally he continued. "I don't know why I didn't. Sure, my body was reacting to what he was doing, but I didn't really want to be there. What was going through my head and what was coming out of my mouth were two totally different things. I remember him asking me what I wanted. I was thinking I wanted to go home.

"Then I heard a breathless voice say 'you'. It was me. I'm the one that said that."

Duo turned a tear-streaked face toward me. "I don't know why I said that. I didn't want him. I didn't want to have sex with him. I didn't."

I thought a moment. "Maybe because you knew it was what he wanted to hear," I said quietly.

Duo thought about that for a minute, then nodded. "Maybe so. It was what he 'expected', huh?"

I just nodded.

Duo settled back against my chest.

"What happened then?"

"We ended up on the bed, continuing with the mutual masturbation. I decided to try giving him a blow job. I enjoy giving them and thought if I could get him off quickly, maybe then I could go home. So I did. He didn't seem to mind.

"I used every trick I knew trying to get him off. Licking and sucking his cock, deep throating, fingering his ass, sucking on his balls, everything. I was beginning to wonder if he would ever come when he pulled me off of him and kissed me again. Then he asked me if I was 'clean'. I knew I was, so I automatically said yes.

"The next think I knew, he was slamming into me. I had been so shocked by his question that I'd totally missed him prepping me. He'd done a good job, thankfully, since it didn't hurt. Finally, he came. I guess I did too, or at least he thought I did. I just remember snuggling for a bit after.

"I remember thinking I just wanted to go home, so I got up and started sorting through the clothing. He just laid there watching me, making jokes about which articles of clothing belonged to whom

"That's when I felt dirty. I had rarely spent the entire night with a guy, but they would at least walk me out, ya know? Say good bye. He did manage to drag himself up enough to throw on a pair of shorts to walk me to the door. From there, I was on my own. I really felt like at least one of us should have been paid for the experience. I just wasn't all that sure which one.

"I couldn't get home fast enough. I was desperate for a shower. I could smell him on me and it was making me sick."

Duo was silent for a time. I just waited him out.

"Since then, it was all I could think about. Life continued, but pretty much on automatic. I still feel dirty. I should have left immediately. I should never have gone with him into his apartment, I know that. But I did. I let him use me. And I still had that sex date with Robert. I was going to do the same thing…again.

"I hated myself for letting that happen. I hated myself even more for even thinking about allowing it to happen again. I was glad I ran into Robert that day. I was glad that I cancelled that particular experience. Maybe I'm not a total whore. But now, I'm having a hard time living with being a slut, also. I feel so dirty, Heero. I just want to be clean again."

TBC