Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Out of My Mind ❯ Out of My Mind ( One-Shot )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Cherry Blossom: Omigod, omigod…Matteo! What the hell did you make me do?!

Matteo: It's okay. Just relax. It's just a yaoi lemon. Nothing to be afraid of. You've done lemons a million times before.

Cherry Blossom: Not yaoi lemons!! What if I get it all wrong? What if it's terrible!!!

Matteo: Look, would you calm down? It's no big deal. If it sucks you can just take it down again. Okay? Just don't panic.

Cherry Blossom: Oh god, oh god…I really shouldn't have done this…

------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------------

WARNING: This is a YAOI LEMON!!! And for people who don't know what that means let me break it down for you. GUYS. HAVING. SEX. WITH. GUYS. Got it? Good. If you don't like that type of thing go away. I don't need flames from stupid people.

This is kinda dark and angsty. Plus it's an 05x? No I'm not gonna tell you who it is, you have to read. Nyaa. : P

This is my first yaoi lemon. So if it stinks, tell me and I'll…probably cry ;_; Booooooooooooh!

DISCLAIMER: For the last frikkin time I DON'T OWN GW!!!!!!!! Stupid lawyer scum…

The song is by Duran Duran. It really helps if you listen to it while reading ^__^

------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Out of My Mind -by Cherry Blossom

---------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------

It was raining on the first day he came to me. I remember the gentle sound of the drops hitting the roof, the almost stifling heat that comes with June humidity not lessening at all with the summer rain. The others had gone, left us behind while they went off to complete a mission. That's nothing new for me. I'm always getting left behind. It's probably because I work better without a group. The Solitary Dragon, heh. I suppose it's a fitting nickname, though I wish to God that it wasn't true. I've been alone for most of my life. The others all paired up fairly quickly, flaunting their affection at me, although I know they aren't conscious of how much it hurts me. They're probably not even aware of the pain that shoots through me at every intimate caress, every affection-laced gesture, every word dripping pure honey from their lips. Jealousy is a weak emotion. I am weak. I know this and I have accepted it. I just wish I had someone I could call my own…someone to call lover.

::Light a candle

Lay flowers at the door

For those who were left behind

And the ones who've gone before::

He had always intrigued me, the way a smile never quite left his face, the way he didn't let the death that surrounded him take away his spirit. There were just so many things that drew me to him. For one thing, he was beautiful. His hair was thick and silky, bangs falling over his face, brushing his cheeks in an intimate caress I envied. I've often imagined what it would be like to run my hands through that lacy mass in my weaker moments. His eyes were like liquid pools, shining with happiness when he laughed, darkening with anger when he fought, and sometimes misting over with a deep pain when he thought no one was looking. Oh how I wished I could be the one to soothe his hurt. But he has chosen another, and so I watch from a far, wishing, dreaming…

::But here it comes now

Sure as silence follows rain

The taste of you upon my lips

The fingers in my brain::

We were the only ones in the safe house. There was this tension that I couldn't name, an accumulation of the weather and general restlessness. Plus I could tell that he was upset about being left behind. Or rather the fact that his lover had left him behind. He wasn't used to that yet. I wasn't surprised by it. When the one you love is a cold and basically emotionless person you have to come to expect that they will disappoint you eventually. He doesn't deserve him, doesn't deserve his love. Then again neither do I. But dammit I wouldn't leave him behind, wouldn't deny him the simple gift of human contact like he does. I would worship him. I already do.

::Ever gentle as it kills me where I lay

Who am I to resist?

Who are you to fail?::

I went to my room to avoid him, to hide my loneliness and shameful longing from him. His perfection was so tempting, so deep was my desire that I couldn't stand to be in the same room, or risk giving myself away. I left him looking forlornly out the window where his lover had disappeared over the horizon and deftly shut the door to my room, closing the blinds to keep out the garish sunlight. In the dim heat of the room, I collapsed on my bed, trying to find a semblance of sleep that would let me dream of him, and it worked for a little while. Only in sleep could I touch him like I wanted to. Only in sleep would he arch under my hand, head thrown back against the coverlet while I coaxed sweet sounds from his throat. Only in sleep could I tell him that I loved him and hear the words back in that soft, lilting voice.

::Got to get you out of my mind

But I can't escape from the feeling

As I try to leave the memory behind

Without you what's left to believe in?::

Lost in my daydreams, I didn't hear when he opened my door and walked over to my bed. I was too consumed in the illusion of hot hands trailing over my bare skin that I didn't notice when he slipped his hands underneath my shirt. I did notice when his cool, velvety lips were placed against mine and my eyes snapped open immediately, startled by the sensation. He hovered over me, lips parted and glistening from the moisture he took from my mouth, eyes full of a need that I couldn't have ignored even if I had wanted to. His hands pulled at my tank-top, desperately trying to get at the warm flesh underneath as he said, a pleading note in his voice,

"I need it. Please Wufei, let me…"

I couldn't say a word; my shock was so complete. I couldn't be entirely certain that I wasn't still dreaming. But he seemed to take my silence as assent because his hands never stopped their questing underneath my shirt and his mouth returned to mine for a kiss so full of hunger and passion that I couldn't help but respond when he gently nudged my lips open with his tongue so he could explore inside. By the time his mouth had moved on to taste the skin of my neck, I was helping him remove my clothing, lifting my back up off the bed so he could pull the shirt off. While I fumbled with the buttons on his own shirt, his hands made their way over my chest, pausing to pinch and play with my nipples, first one, then the other, over and over again. I moaned and tore at his shirt, ripping the buttons off in my haste to get to the creamy smoothness of his own flesh. Smiling at my exuberance, he replaced the hand at my nipple with his mouth, licking and sucking with an intense fervor that made me gasp and tremble beneath him. I had never imagined it would be like this! This intensity, this urgent need that was building up inside my chest, it was wonderful and frightening at the same time. Somewhere in the back of my mind I acknowledged that this was wrong, that he was already sworn to another, but the sensations he was eliciting from my lonely body were too exquisite, too tempting and I found that I didn't care anymore whether this was right or wrong. I needed him, dammit!

::And I could be so sorry

For the way it had to go

But now I feel your presence

In a way I could not know::

Through the haze of my pleasure I felt his hands reach for the tie of my pants and loosen them. I moaned again and his mouth came up and covered mine, capturing my cries between his lips. His body was warm against mine, his mouth hungry and insistent. His skin was smooth and slick with sweat. His hands were everywhere, everywhere…I couldn't breathe…Oh God, yes…

No, this is wrong/Don't care/Wrong/Need it/Please/Wrong/It's too late, too late…

"Ah-! Wufei…"

"Nnnn…"

::And I wonder

Do you ever feel the same

In whispering darkness

Do you ever hear my name?::

That was the first time. He didn't speak a word to me afterwards and I didn't bring it up either. It was shameful and dishonorable and I knew it. He didn't love me. He was just frustrated and lonely. No one loves me. I am destined to be alone. I know that.

Nothing changed. When the others came back we acted like nothing happened. He went to his love. I was left alone. It was exactly the same. The weeks went by. I kept my mouth shut. It was for the best, really. I had no desire to hurt him by divulging his hour of weakness. He deserved to be happy. I wanted him to be happy. But I couldn't help dreaming of that afternoon, of his sweat-soaked skin, of his lips and hands and body pressed against mine, of the aching sweetness that he evoked within me…I couldn't help wishing…I thought that it would never happen again.

But when they left us behind to complete another mission, he came again to my room. And I could not refuse him. My weakness astonishes me.

::Got to get you out of my mind

But I can't escape from the feeling

As I try to leave the memory behind

Without you, what's left to believe in?::

It's like a ritual thing. Every time they leave him behind he ends up coming to my bed. And I let him touch me, let him drown his loneliness and mine in the pleasure of orgasm. Afterwards I always felt guilty but my desire overrode the guilt and I waited longingly for the next mission to come, so we could be together again. The only time I felt real was when I was in his arms. The only time I felt alive was when I heard his heartbeat outside my own. He was using me, and I didn't care. I wanted it. I welcomed it.

::How could you dare

To become so real

When you're just a ghost in me::

It's raining again. I hear the pit-a-pit on the roof above my head. Through my window I see the storm clouds rolling in and it mimics the feelings in my heart. He's coming, I know he is. We are the only ones in the house. He's stayed away longer this time. His guilt is finally catching up to him. But I know he will succumb to his desires sooner or later, surrender to the loneliness. I am wearing nothing, lying face up on the bed, the breeze from the open window cool on my bare skin. I am waiting…waiting…there. I hear his footsteps in the hall. Just outside my door. A little closer…

The door swings open to reveal him. His shirt is already unbuttoned and he tosses to the floor as he strides over to me. There are no words, no tender exchange of endearments before he pulls me to him and takes my mouth. I don't mind. It is enough that he is here, that he is touching me. The emptiness slowly fades away into passion as he touches me, gently stroking my hardness, slowly and then…faster, harder, squeezing, almost…breaking…almost…and then he pulls away. I reach for him, pleading with my voice and my eyes for release. He watches, a smile playing over his lips. And then the smile disappears as he roughly shoves my legs open and slides a sweat-coated finger inside of me. My vision blurs and I cry out, arching my back towards him. He stretches me slowly, entering a second finger, and then a third. I writhe on the sheets, begging him to finish it. Oh God, finish it, please…

He lifts my hips and positions himself just in front of me, not entering, not moving, teasing me.

"Please…please, I need…"

"Tell me."

"I want you…inside me…please!"

"Yes."

Tearing pressure inside of me/ pleasure/ spiking upwards/ building within/ so beautiful/ so fierce/ the stars/ I can see them/ thunder /inside/ pressure/ sweet pain/ sweet/ I feel/ I feel all of you/ I feel/ so good/ sensations/ wave of pleasure, breaking, rising, breaking/ can't breathe/ can't think/ just you/ only you/ love you/ love you…

"Oh God…"

::And I've got to get you out of my mind

But I can't escape from the feeling

As I try to leave the memory behind

Without you, what's left to believe in?::

Exhausted, I lay back in the circle of his arms, resting my damp head against his shoulder, listening to his heartbeat. The rain has stopped and there is this thick silence in the room. I can hear him breathing.

"Quatre, I love you."

He doesn't answer. I know he won't. He loves Trowa. I'm only a substitute, a tension reliever. That's okay. I really don't deserve more than that. I am weak.

I close my eyes and snuggled deeper in his embrace, knowing that when I wake up he will be gone, back to his lover's bed. Back to Trowa. I'll be alone once more. But for now, he is here with me. I am wrapped in his arms, and I can pretend, just for a moment, that I am not alone in this world. And I sleep.

::Here in the back of my mind

Deep in the back of my mind::

Owari