Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Pieces of a Puzzle ❯ Chapter Nine ( Chapter 9 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: siberianknight 
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Supernatural | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.18.2005 | Updated On: 09.23.2005 | Pages: 5 | Words: 9.3K | Visits: 369 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Supernatural | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 09.18.2005 | Updated On: 09.23.2005 | Pages: 5 | Words: 9.3K | Visits: 369 | Status: Completed
Author's Notes: Thank you all for your patience. This is the completed chapter, and tonight I am starting chapter ten, the seating exam. It should be light-hearted compared to this chapter. ^_^
Warnings: Lots of angst and weird stuff going on. ^_^
Status: COMPLETE
-----
Heero stared blankly out the large picture window in his small apartment. In his lap were all the letters Duo had written him, each one slightly discolored from being handled over the past three years. Heero had read them over and over, trying to figure out exactly how to stop the jealousy which was stirring within him. He knew that if he had forgiven Duo, things would never be as they once were even if Duo had been completely innocent. Heero was tired of thinking, tired of crying, and tired of hurting. Aya had forcefully entered into his life, prying information out of him, stating that it was better for him to talk about it than to hold it inside himself. He had disagreed, but somehow Aya had learned everything about his and Duo’s relationship. She had worked so swiftly and discreetly that Heero never realized that he had spilled it all to her.
Aya had just left his apartment, they had been talking about where he should be placed after he graduated. She had promised to put in a good word to her captain. Heero had just nodded. He never spoke much these days, not since he and Duo had separated. The sound of the door opening and shutting caused Heero to abandon his seat and see who had entered his apartment. It was Trowa, and he had food with him. “I cooked this for you. You need to eat something more than the gruel you fix.”
Heero grunted and unwrapped the plate of chicken. He stared blankly at the food, a question on his mind, but unwilling to spill from his lips.
“He’s fine. I checked on him yesterday ... well, I saw him across the campus yesterday. He was in the arena practicing his demon arts. Looking well too, although he still hasn’t put on any meat. He’s still skinny.”
“Not as skinny as you.” Heero jabbed his fork into the grilled chicken and took a bite. He didn’t taste the food as it slid down his throat.
“Hey.” Trowa sighed and sat in the chair across from Heero. Trowa and Quatre had been Heero’s only contacts outside of school, until Aya had entered into Heero’s life. They had fed him and given him a place to stay until he and Duo were back together. However, the two had never reconciled, Heero had never tried. Trowa knew better than to push Heero into going to Duo, but Quatre sadly had not known. He had tried again and again to get Heero to at least go and see Duo to let him try and explain everything, but Heero had simply glared at the blond man. He was so angry that he couldn’t see past that one moment, the moment when he realized that Duo’s arm was around the girl he had been caught kissing.
After a year of Quatre’s nagging, Heero had found his own place and moved. He was almost ready to graduate, he was now a seventh year student and had completed most of the courses required to graduate. The one thing left for him to do was to attempt to find his zanpakutou within his soul. Heero was determined to be one of the few students who could accomplish this feat prior to graduating from the academy.
“Heero,” Trowa frowned as he looked upon his friend. Heero’s hair was in desperate need of a cut, and he had some stubble on his chin from neglect. “If you don’t get a hold of yourself, you’re not going to be able to hear the voice of your zanpakutou.”
“I know, Trowa.” Heero stressed Trowa’s name out of annoyance. This was yet one more thing that he was tired of, being told to let go and to find his center. Damn his center and letting go, he wanted to be miserable. After all, in Heero’s mind he deserved it for being reluctant in speaking with Duo. Now he knew there was no hope. He had heard people talking about Duo and Laurie; their words had crushed Heero, and told him there was no chance now of the two of them fixing everything. It was over.
Heero rose from his seat and walked over to the door. He picked up his asauchi*. “I’m going to meditate. Stay if you want.” Heero walked out the door. Trowa stared at the door wondering if Heero would ever be like he was before. He had changed so much from the silent and angry child, and now he was returning to his previous self. Trowa knew he had to do something.
-----
Heero walked solemnly to the same spot he always went to whenever he planned to meditate. There was no one around, only animals. He felt that it was the one place where Duo’s ghost wouldn’t haunt him.
Heero began as he had for the past year, a deep steadying breath and a slow exhale as his eyes drifted shut. He had come very close more than once to finding his inner world, but every time he had lost his concentration. Usually it was because a familiar presence had disrupted his peace. Though, the source of the presence could never be found. Heero cleared his mind and allowed himself to look inward. Soon he became very calm and focused, he was very close to reaching his center once again. Then just like every time before, that same feeling of someone being close to him broke through his trance.
Heero refused to pay attention to the nagging feeling in the back of his mind. He was going to do it this time. He would find his inner world. A bright light flashed and suddenly Heero found himself in a wide open field. Beautiful wildflowers littered the landscape, gently bending with the soft wind. He looked around amazed at how peaceful and beautiful it was, and that was when he spotted it. The dark cloud over a mountain in the distance. What appeared to have once been a beautiful and serene place was now horribly marred and dark.
Heero’s feet began to move toward to the scarred area of the field. A knot began to form in his stomach; he knew that he was heading toward an area which housed unpleasant things, but there was a strong possibility that his zanpakutou was there. The closer he came to the darkness, he began to smell burnt wood and grass. Heero was amazed at the destruction of everything, and the fact that it resembled his home in Rukongai.
The area before Heero was that of the second house in which he and Duo had spent their teenage years living. It was the place where Heero had confessed his feelings to Duo, and where they had lost their virginity. A solitary tear slipped from Heero’s expressive blue eyes as he gazed upon the wreckage of the house.
“Sad, isn’t it?” An all too familiar voice spoke from behind Heero. Heart racing, Heero turned to face the person who had spoken.
*****
Trowa knocked on Duo’s dorm room door; he was greeted by a sleepy and yawning Duo. “Hey Trowa. C’mon in.” Duo moved away from the door to allow Trowa inside. “So what’s up?”
“Duo ... I know I haven’t said anything to you about this, but -- Heero’s miserable.” Duo’s eyes lit up when Trowa spoke Heero’s name. He had been intending to see him for the past week, but with the busy schedule Duo was leading, it had been impossible. “He needs you. Desperately. He still loves you.”
“Funny. He sure doesn’t act like he’s in love with me.” Duo slumped into a chair and concentrated on the floor. He refused to allow Trowa to see the tears which were threatening to fall from his eyes.
“Duo, he -- messed up. It’s not my place to tell you what he’s told me in confidence, but I think you should go and talk with him.”
“I’ve been planning to. I’ve just been too busy studying for my final exams.”
“I understand that. I do. But I mean it when I say that he still loves you.”
“I still love him too.” Duo’s voice cracked as the tears he had been holding at bay finally fell. “I never stopped. I didn’t cheat on him -- everything was just a horrible misunderstanding. I wish to God that I could change it all, but I can’t. And I’ve told Heero that, but he never responded. Never, Trowa. There’s no way he still loves me. I was never important to him I guess. I just wasn’t ‘his soul’ as he always liked to say.”
*****
Heero stared at the source of the voice. His long hair was free from its usual braided prison and he was wearing what looked like an old styled priest outfit. The length of the black overcoat hugged his trim body and accentuated his form in a very appealing manner. “Duo ...” Heero breathed. He was so shocked that he wasn’t sure how to respond. Why was Duo inside of his soul? Was he part of this dark twisted scene or something more ...?
“Surprised?” Duo chuckled softly. “I knew you would be. You probably had no idea that you had done this to yourself.”
“Huh? How --?”
“How? Hmm ... maybe it’s because of your ignoring Duo’s feelings. His pleas to you to try and work everything out. Or maybe you’re asking how I’m here.”
Heero’s brows drew together in a scowl of concentration. He was starting to think that possibly his mind was beginning to play tricks on him. “Why are you here?”
“You mean to say that you’ve been meditating for the past year and you don’t know where you are?”
“Duo, I know where I am ... this is my soul, my inner world. But what I don’t understand is why you’re here.” Heero slowly approached the image of Duo, who quickly stepped farther away from Heero.
“My name is not Duo. I am not the man whom you love. My name is ...” Heero strained to here his introduction, but failed. He clearly heard the man speak, but he was unable to make out any words. The Duo-look-alike shook his head and chuckled softly. “You have to open up your heart and look deep within. Then you will be ready to hear my name.”
“How? I’ve been doing this for a year. I was hoping that I could be one of the few who was able to reach shikai before I graduated.”
“From what I hear, that’s an unheard of feat.” The man walked around looking at the charred building. “It’s in your reach, Heero. All you have to do is open up to me. That’s all.” He turned and smiled at Heero. Flames flared up around Duo and Heero screamed as the fire engulfed the two of them and became a red-hot wall between the two.
Heero’s eyes flew open, Duo’s name on his lips. He panted and shook himself as he realized that he was back in the outside world. “Why? Why did that happen ...? Who was that?” Heero’s head was pounding and he was beginning to feel sick. He decided that he had trained enough for one day, and would head back home.
*****
Trowa sighed deeply and sat on the edge of Duo’s bed; Duo was crying and Trowa knew how much he hated people to see that side of him. Duo viewed it as a weakness which could be exploited, so he had trained himself to never show his more vulnerable side to anyone. Heero had been the only person to ever see him cry. “Tell me what to do Trowa. I’ll do it. I’ll do anything Heero wants me to -- I just want him back.”
Trowa reached out a hand to try and comfort Duo, who looked no better than Heero did. Like Heero it was obvious that he hadn’t been eating properly, and his hair no longer held the bright shine it once held before Heero and Duo had split. “Come with to his apartment. If Heero wants to kill me -- so be it. I can’t watch my two friends slowly allow themselves to die.”
Duo gazed up at Trowa, his eyes were bloodshot now, and he looked small and lost. “Okay. I’ll get dressed.”
Trowa stood and walked to the door. “I’ll wait outside.”
Duo’s stomach felt like a butter churn. He wasn’t sure how Heero would react when he saw him with Trowa, and what made matters worse, was the fact that Duo had slept with Laurie. Duo shut his eyes tightly. “I’ll tell him that after we work through everything. -- God who am I kidding?! Heero’s going to hate me for what I did and never speak to me.” Duo allowed his head to hit against the wall with a loud thump. “I hate myself.”
-----
Heero laid down on his bed after taking some aspirin. He stared at the white speckled ceiling thinking about what the Duo inside him had said. There was a possibility that Heero had created that area when he believed that Duo had cheated on him, but then it could just represent a dark part of himself. Heero groaned miserably and rolled over on his side to face the window. A bird darted by, a worm in its beak, for one second Heero wished he was a bird, that way all he would have to worry about is worms. There would be no pain, no love, no Duo ... but that would make him even more pained.
Heero drifted off into a fitful nap, his dreams consisting of nothing but Duo. A persistent knocking sound broke through one of the more disturbing dreams and awakened Heero. “Who is it?!” He called out angrily, still laying on his bed.
“Trowa.” Trowa waited for Heero to open the door, but that never happened. “Heero, open the door!”
“I don’t want to see anyone.” Heero had walked to the door and was peering through the peephole. He saw Trowa standing, rather impatiently, and then he saw Duo. His heart leaped into his throat and then fell quickly into the pit of his stomach. Why was Duo with Trowa? Had he told Duo everything? Why Heero had not spoken with him? With a deep sigh, Heero opened the door. “Duo can come in. You back to Quatre.”
“Okay. Don’t kill each other.”
Duo laughed derisively. “If it happens it’ll be a mercy killing.” He walked past Trowa and sat in one of the chairs surrounding Heero’s small kitchen table.
Heero quietly thanked Trowa and then shut the door. He stood there, his hand resting on the handle for a few moments. “Why are you here?” Heero finally asked in a softer than normal voice.
“To say I’m sorry. And that I love you ... I always have.” Duo hoped that by saying that up front, then Heero would be more receiving of anything that came later. He was hoping that since three years had passed, those three words would be all it would take to gain Heero’s forgiveness. Even though Duo knew that was only a dream.
“You can love someone and treat them like shit, Duo. I’ve come to realize that.” Heero still wouldn’t face Duo. He was afraid that if he turned and looked into those large indigo eyes that he would crumble, and he needed his strength to ask Duo about Laurie.
“I wrote to you ... did you not read the letters?”
“I read them. All of them.”
“Then why the hell didn’t you respond?” Duo stood and walked over to Heero. He gently placed his hands on Heero’s arms and forced him to turn and look at him. “Answer me -- please.” Heero looked up reluctantly, and he saw the signs of Duo’s previous bought of tears. He steeled himself against the pitiful expression on his love’s face. Heero had to get through this, if not the two of them would never be truly happy again.
Heero breathed deeply before calmly explaining to Duo. “Because I didn’t think I was ready to forgive you. When I showed up ... your arm was around her. The two of you looked very cozy.”
“I know. I -- I didn’t think. She said she was cold, and I offered her my cloak. She refused and said that we could share. I’m not trying to put the blame on Hilde. I’m the guilty one because I didn’t think about how that would look to you. Or to anyone for that matter! But Heero -- I don’t love her. I don’t feel anything for her! I love you!”
Heero averted his eyes once again from the pain he saw on Duo’s face. “What about Laurie? What is she to you?”
“L-laurie ... how did you ...?”
“I heard rumors. They said the two of you were dating.”
Duo sat back down at the table. He hadn’t expected to have to talk about Laurie so quickly. “We were. But we broke up, because I still love you.”
Heero grunted, for the first time Duo was unable to read the meaning behind the sound. “How long did you date her?”
“About seven months.” Duo took in a shaky breath. “Heero -- I ... I slept with her.” He glanced out of the corner of his eye to catch Heero’s reaction to his confession. With a tight chest, Duo continued. “We’d been dating for six months, but we had known each other for about a year. She wanted a more intimate relationship. I considered it, but I could only think of how much I loved you and I wasn’t ready to give you up. But, the day that it happened, I saw you and Aya together. For some reason I got this crazy idea that the two of you were now a couple.” Again, Duo glanced at Heero. It was impossible to have any idea how he was reacting to what Duo was telling him; Heero’s face was stone-still and his eyes were downcast. Duo plunged onward. “I thought if I moved forward in my relationship with her, that you would be a distant memory. That I’d forget about you -- but it didn’t happen. I was so empty, so lonely. I knew then that you were the only one I loved or would ever love. I can’t change what I did Heero. It happened. And I know that --”
“That what?” Heero’s voice was low and held a dangerous edge to its timbre. “That I would be upset. But somehow completely forget it? Forget that you slept with someone else. When I did nothing. I was going to come back to you Duo, when I was ready. But,” Heero’s laugh was soft, but Duo could sense the mixture of depression and anger. “I need to be alone, Duo.”
“Heero ... please, just --”
“NO! Get out -- now.” Heero’s body was trembling from his repressed anger. Duo lingered one second more, before slamming the door behind him. Angry, hurt, and confused, Heero picked up his asauchi and left for his meditation spot.
-----
Duo wandered the campus for about an hour before he finally decided to head back to his dorm room. He wasn’t sure what to do. Heero now knew what had happened between himself and Laurie, but the problem was that Heero was furious with him. Duo was uncertain as to whether or not Heero viewed what happened as yet another form of cheating, or if he had just simply been hurt.
The pain Duo had seen in Heero’s eyes haunted his restless sleep that night. After attempting to go back to sleep for what felt like the millionth time, Duo decided to meditate and practice reaching within himself. He was going to have to do this sooner or later if he ever wanted to advance within the shinigami rankings, and now seemed like the perfect opportunity. He needed a good solid distraction from the hurt and confusion welling within him.
Duo sat in the center of his room with his eyes closed. He reached deep within himself, and very quickly found himself next to the ocean. The soft roar of the waves crashing upon the pebbled beach filled his senses. Duo slowly opened his eyes and what met him was not a beautiful relaxing beach, but a horrible nightmare. The sky was churning and held a hideous green tint. Far off in the distance, dark gray clouds churned in and out of each other angrily. Rain fell on the dark blue-green water causing the frothy foam upon the surface to swirl in menacing patterns.
“This looks like hell.” Duo whispered softly as he bent over to pick up a dark pebble. As he righted himself, he had the distinct feeling that he was being watched. Turning around slowly, Duo somehow knew who it was that was watching him, even before he saw those dark blue eyes gazing at him from under a mop of messy chocolate brown hair. “Heero. Why are you here?”
“Wondering why you’re hating yourself so much.” Heero’s voice was soft and helped ease some of Duo’s discomfort.
“Because I hurt you -- more than once. Everything’s my fault ... there’s nothing I can do to change that.”
Heero slipped off of the rock on which he had been seated. “And so you hate yourself?”
Duo shrugged and glanced out at the ocean. “I suppose I do. I hate myself for hurting you.”
“I don’t think that Heero hates you. He still loves you -- but you need to let go of this anger. It’ll only destroy you, but if you allow it to consume you ... there’ll be nothing left for Heero to love.” Duo was puzzled as to why Heero was referring to himself in third person. He was also wondering about his outfit of immaculate white. Heero was sporting an open white oxford shirt and very tight white pants. The brilliant white against Heero’s skin made him appear to be much darker than usual. Heero smirked. “You look hungry. Want something to eat?”
Duo blushed and looked away from Heero. “No. I’m fine.”
“You don’t know who I am ... do you.” Heero followed Duo’s gaze and joined him in staring at the dark clouds in the distance.
“You’re not Heero ... but yet you are.”
The laughter which spilled from Heero’s mouth was music to Duo’s ears. He hadn’t heard that sound in so long that his heart constricted with sadness. “Intuitive. You catch on quickly. Just like always.”
“You’re my zanpakutou -- aren’t you.” Duo turned and gazed at Heero. It was the only explanation, the man standing next to him was the physical incarnation of his soul cutter sword.
“Yes.” The answer was spoken softly, and Duo had to strain over the sound of the waves to hear. So this was his zanpakutou, how ironic. His true love, his soul mate, was the person who basically represented his soul’s fighting spirit. “If you’re wondering why I look like Heero, it’s quite simple really. You love Heero more than anything else, and you garner much of your strength to live and to fight through him. As he does you. So it’s only natural that I look like him.”
“Is it like this for everyone?”
“No. Everyone is different -- it just depends on their soul. Look around you, what do you think when you see this area?”
“I think of sadness and raging anger and pain.”
“Clear it up.”
“It’s not that easy! You can’t just stand there and tell me to forget what I did to Heero! I hurt him. I hurt us -- that’s not just something I can stand here and forgive ... especially since he hasn’t forgiven me.”
“I can’t tell you my name then. I’m sorry. You’re soul must be free of all strong negative emotions -- you must be ready to hear my name. You must be focused.” Heero began to fade, and Duo reached out to stop him, but was too late.
Duo plopped down onto the beach and stared at the clouds. “Can I really fix my anger at myself?” He laid back and closed his eyes, focusing on the one thing that he knew he could do, and that was to win Heero’s heart back. Slowly, one by one, the clouds began to calm and the wind quieted. Duo’s determination began to grow and overtake the anger which he had been feeling only moments earlier. As he opened his eyes, he noticed that the sky was a bright blue, the sea was calm, and the wind was just a cooling breeze now.
“I told you, you could do it.” Heero was standing behind him, a grin dancing across his face.
“Heh. You were right.” Duo stood and dusted himself off. “So -- now what?”
“I tell you my real name.” Duo’s heart began to pound inside his chest. With the next few words out of Heero’s mouth, he would officially be on the path of becoming a strong shinigami. “My name is, Seikousen*.”
Duo smiled. “So that’s your name? I like it. Some how it fits.”
“Look at your asauchi.” Duo lifted his sword and gazed at how it had changed. “That is it’s shikai form.” The sword which had been plain before, now held an intricate inlay of silver. The blade itself held one flat edge and then the sharp edge slowly curved from large to small, almost like a butcher’s knife. The blade was a brilliant white and the hilt and guard were all decorated with bits of silver and platinum; lastly a silver threaded tassel hung from the end of the hilt. “Say my name and your asauchi will transform into this.”
“It’s beautiful.” Duo whispered as he moved the sword back and forth, allowing the sunlight to play across the metal. He turned to thank Seikousen, but he had already disappeared. A moment later Duo found himself back in his dorm room, his asauchi laying beside him in its new form, a simple white blade with a silver tassel hanging from the hilt. He smiled and caressed the sword. “I’ll get you back -- I promise.”
-----
Heero stood in the pile of ashes that once was his home in Rukongai. He had been standing there for a full thirty minutes, wondering where the hell the Duo look-alike was. He was going to get some answers as to why his inner world was now a chard field with what was once a small cabin now laying in ruins around him. “Duo!” Heero screamed once again, as he had done every five minutes since he had entered that world.
“Will you stop screaming. You’re giving me the worst headache.” The man was standing behind Heero, a broad smirk plastered across his stupidly handsome face. Heero was really considering punching him, but then he would have to wait for him to regain consciousness and he had been waiting long enough.
“Why are you here? And why does the place now look like this?”
“Wow. Do you do anything besides ask questions? No wonder I have a headache.” Duo began to poke through the charred remains of the building.
“Are you looking for something?” Heero followed behind him, inspecting each spot, but he found nothing of value or interest. There was only ashes wherever he looked.
“There you go again!” Duo stood and threw his arms up in the air in a silent plea. “Why? Huh? I know -- I’ll ask you some questions. Why the fuck did you not listen to what Duo had to say to you? You just cut him off ... every time, and look at yourself now!” He spread his arms wide and indicated the scorched land surrounding the two. “You did this. Not Duo.”
Heero starred slack-jawed at this Duo. Why did he do what he did? It was a very simple answer, he had pushed Duo away yet again because he couldn’t deal with the emotions he had been feeling. He needed time -- time to sort through the pain and the anger, so that he could find forgiveness for Duo. Although, Heero now realized with a bit of regret, he had waited too long. Now Duo had slept with someone else, and ... with a bit of surprise, Heero found himself agreeing with this inner world Duo. “You’re right. It is all my fault that it got this out of hand. But that doesn’t change the fact that he slept with someone that wasn’t me.”
Duo moved closely to Heero, his indigo eyes bored holes into Heero’s darker blue eyes. “Do you love him?”
“Well ... yes. I do.”
“Then you can forgive him -- right?”
“No.” The answer came so swiftly that Duo had to blink a few times before it registered that Heero had spoken.
“No!? Why the hell not!? I’m not talking about right this very moment, but later ... after the two of you have --”
“I can’t do it. The thoughts of him being someone else ... it’s all I can do to stop them in my head when I see him.”
“What? Heero, the only time you’ve seen him since he’s told you was when he told you. Now ... don’t you think that you’re jumping the gun a little here? I think you should go to him and talk. See what happens.”
“I can’t do it. It’s hard enough to look at you.” Heero’s shoulders slumped slightly as he began to walk away from Duo.
“There you go again ... running away from everything -- because it doesn’t hurt as much, right?” Heero’s back stiffened as he heard what Duo had to say. “I’m right, aren’t I. You run away from him because he scares the hell outta you. He makes you feel strong emotions that you can’t quite deal with. Right?”
“What the hell do you know about me!?” Heero turned slowly around to face his tormentor. His pain screamed from behind his prussian blue eyes; his clinched fists were the only things that stayed him from strangling this other man. “You know nothing about me!”
“On the contrary, Heero. I know everything about you. I am your zanpakutou -- and we always know about our hosts.”
Heero swallowed hard and looked closely at his zanpakutou. The resemblance to Duo was uncanny. Every facial expression, every mannerism, every freckle ... they were all there. For all purposes, this was Duo; however, Heero knew that there was much more to this than what lay before his eyes. “My zanpakutou?”
“Yes, but you have so much other pain and anger inside of you that you can’t hear my name.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I didn’t expect that you would. Well, I’m getting tired -- I think I’ll go lay down until you figure this shit out.” Duo scooted his foot around in the ashes and then laid down on his back. His eyes closed and his chest began to move softly up and down.
Heero grunted in annoyance. Why did he have to fix things, especially when they couldn’t be fixed? All he wanted was to forget what he had seen, what Duo had told him. He just wanted to forget everything. In fact ... for a fraction of a moment, Heero wished that he could erase Duo from his memory.
“I wouldn’t wish for that, if I were you. It may come true one day.”
“Stuff it.” Heero spat out angrily.
The zanpakutou spirit began to chuckle as he sat up to face Heero. “‘Stuff it’? That’s the best you can do? Come on, let it out! Yell at me! I look like Duo, and I guess essentially -- I am Duo. Yell at me. Tell me how much you hurt, how angry you are with me. It’ll make you feel better.”
“You’ll get mad at me.” Heero glanced at the spirit in a somewhat sheepish manner.
The spirit began to laugh out loud then. This was no small laugh either, it was a good hardy laugh, one that came from the tips of your toes. “You’re afraid to share your feelings with me, well Duo, because we’ll get mad at you.”
“I’m not good at confrontations.” Heero turned to face the spirit, his bottom lip protruding slightly in a delicate pout. “And since you say you know me so well, then why didn’t you already know that?”
The spirit stopped laughing with Heero’s last remark. “I don’t know everything about you. But I do know an awful lot. So, are you going to yell at me? Because telling me how you feel is the only way to set things right.” As an afterthought, the spirit added, “Oh, yeah. Don’t forget you’ll have to do it again when you see Duo.”
“Huh?”
“Well, it’s not like he’ll know what you say to me. I am after all your zanpakutou ... not his. He can’t hear my voice.”
“Then I’d rather not yell at you. There’s no point.”
“Yes there is. C’mon, Heero ... do it.”
Heero stood there contemplating whether the spirit had a point or not. He did feel like hurting something, but that was exactly why he hadn’t talked with Duo yet. However, Heero had taken too long the first time, it was best that he didn’t make that same mistake twice. After thinking for a few minutes, suddenly words began to spill out from within Heero. He wasn’t sure why, but they just continued to pour forth along with his emotions. “It’s not like I have a lot of confidence as far as our relationship goes, Duo. I often wonder if I’m what you want. If I’m interesting enough to keep you with me. If you love me as much as I love you. I seem to find myself wondering this way too often. Then that day when I saw you kissing Hilde, I snapped. I felt empty inside. Almost as if all my questions had been answered.
So then, when I came back ... I had thought out exactly what I was going to say. I didn’t want to upset you, but I did. I chose the wrong words, and then you were gone. I was so happy when you asked me to try again, to talk things through -- yet there she was. This time wrapped up in your arm and cloak. I -- I thought that you may have done that just to make me angry, to make me go away for good. I was so mad, at myself and at you. That’s why I stayed away so long ... that was why I never answered your letters. I was afraid of what you would say, of what you would do.
Today, though, when you came to my apartment -- I allowed myself a bit of hope, but I stupidly had to ask about Laurie. I wish that I hadn’t now, but I did. And it makes me feel sick to think that you were with another person that way. I -- I ... You’re mine dammit! Always and forever, mine!” Heero reached out and grabbed the spirit’s shirt collar. He was torn between the desire to punch that face which he loved so much, or kiss it senseless. The spirit gently laid his hand on Heero’s and smiled.
“That was good. You showed enough emotions to make Duo see why you did what you did. -- At least I think you did.”
“I can’t say that to him.” Heero let go of the spirit’s shirt and walked away from him. Rain began to pour down onto the two, washing away the soot and ashes.
“Heero ... he loves you so much. I can tell by your memories of him. Please, Heero -- please forgive him, and try to start a new relationship with him. You can’t go on living like this.”
“Why? What’s the point? I messed up twice, and how am I supposed to keep my jealousy at bay? I know that’s what caused the problems in the first place -- but I can’t tell it to go away, it’s part of me.”
The spirit sighed, this was proving much more difficult than he had originally expected. “At least you can recognize that you have that jealousy. It could be worse, you could be blaming Duo for everything.”
“But if he hadn’t --”
“Okay, now you’re being an ass. Look, yes Duo made some mistakes ... but it’s not like he set out to cheat on you.” The spirit began to walk around Heero, his arms crossed against his chest. “Yes, he did kiss another girl while you were dating, but from what I understand -- she kissed him. Not really his fault. Then you caught them with his arm and cloak wrapped around each other. Yes that is his fault ... and somewhat stupid, but he said he was sorry -- and that it wasn’t because he liked her that way. Am I right?” Heero grunted affirmatively and looked away from his zanpakutou. He decided that he hated the fact that it looked so much like Duo. “So,” the spirit continued. “I feel that you should go and have another talk with him. Maybe say to him what you said to me.”
“I will. But not now. I’ve got you here and I’m not leaving until I get your name.”
“Stubborn little bastard.” The spirit said quietly to himself.
“Yes, I am.”
The spirit winced slightly when Heero spoke; he hadn’t meant for him to hear that. “Okay, look ... let go of your anger, and then you might be able to hear my name. But you have to believe in yourself and me before you can do so.”
Heero sat down on the ground and began to meditate. He was very determined now to rid himself of the negative feelings inside so that he could go back to Duo. He wanted to fix things, and he began to believe that he could forgive Duo. Heero thought back on all the good and fun times which he and Duo had shared. There was no way he was going to just let those go without a fight. He would win him back.
Slowly, the rain began to clear up and bit-by-bit the run-down house returned to its original state. The sun came out and shone down onto a beautiful field, which now had no charred or burning area within it. “You did it, Heero. I think you’re ready to hear my name.”
“I am.”
“My name is Shikousen**.”
Heero began to laugh softly. “Why am I not surprised with that name? Funny how you almost expect certain things from certain people ... and you have no idea why.” Heero lifted his asauchi and inspected its transformation. The blade was a steely black with what looked like an onyx inlay running along the sword. The hilt and the guard were of antique gold; a black and gold tassel hung from the end of the hilt. The blade was large; it was flat on the dull side and the sharp edge curved down from large to small.
“Your zanpakutou is one of two. It has a twin called Seikousen. Alone it’s one of the most agile and powerful zanpakutou in existence. However, if used alongside of its twin -- they are near to unstoppable.”
“Thank you. I’ll look for its twin.” Heero smiled to himself. He knew who had the other zanpakutou, and he would find it very soon.
-----
Heero walked to the quad the next day to meet Duo. As he neared the central area of the academy, his stomach began to grow taught. Heero was terrified he may find a similar scene to what met him the last time he had agreed to meet Duo in this spot. He rounded the corner next to the central building, and the scene before him broke his heart.
Duo was standing in front of the same tree that Heero had shoved him against in anger. His hair was out of its braid and pulled back loosely in a simple que. In his hand was a large bouquet of daffodils, Heero’s favorite flower. He looked just as nervous as Heero felt, and just as heartbreakingly beautiful as Heero remembered.
Heero’s steps quickened steadily as he walked toward Duo, who was beginning to fidget and was looking in the opposite direction from which Heero was approaching. His heart felt as if it was going to burst out of his chest. What if Heero had decided not to come? Duo wouldn’t have blamed him, but he longed to be able just one more time to touch Heero, to talk to him, and to tell him how much he loves him. “Duo.” The voice caused Duo’s heart to skip a beat. He turned slowly to find Heero standing behind him, a gentle and welcoming smile on his face.
Duo fought the tears which stung his eyes back and forced a smile onto his face to hide his raw emotions; but Heero saw those feelings shining brightly within those eyes that had haunted his dreams for the past three years. The eyes which had always looked upon him so gently and tenderly. How could he have ever doubted Duo’s love?
Duo shoved the flowers at Heero. “I -- I got these for you.” A soft blush lit up Duo’s cheeks as Heero’s hand brushed his.
“Duo,” Heero tenderly placed a hand over Duo’s and squeezed lovingly.
“Huh?” Duo looked into Heero’s probing eyes. He knew that Heero could read everything that was there.
“I want to try to work through this.” Heero looked down at their joined hands and the bouquet which was becoming slightly crushed. “I love you. And I was an idiot to think that you didn’t love me as much. I thought that maybe I was something that amused you for a short time, but you had started to become bored with.”
“You’ll never bore me.” Duo tentatively reached out to stroke Heero’s silken hair. He rested his palm against Heero’s cheek, who then leaned into the open hand. Heero’s eyes drifted shut as he breathed in the scent that was Duo. For a breathless moment the two men stood there touching and holding one another. It was a feminine voice which broke through their momentary bliss.
“I see the two of you have made up.” Heero and Duo turned to find seventh seated shinigami, eleventh gotei, Akimori Aya, standing with her arms crossed and sweet smile on her cherubic face. “I’m glad to see that. I was sent here with an invitation from my captain. He would like it if you sat for the entrance exam into the eleventh.”
Duo and Heero glanced at each other, completely stunned that the strongest guild would want them. “Sure.” Duo agreed with a large grin and a handshake. “Thanks Akimori.”
“My pleasure.” Aya bowed slightly and then left the two boys behind.
“Wow, Heero ... can you believe it?! The eleventh has requested for us to take the exam on their behalf. That rarely happens.”
Heero agreed softly. He was too busy watching the sunlight dance and play within the indigo depths of Duo’s eyes. There was one thing that he loved most about Duo, and that was his happy nature. Of course, that happy nature wasn’t always the true feelings within Duo, but for the most part -- it was. Heero had always been able to lift his spirits with just one moment of Duo’s smile and laugh. Duo made him feel alive.
-----
One month had passed since Duo and Heero had decided to work through things. They were living together once again, and happy just as before, possibly even more, now that they knew what it was like to not be with one another. Their final exam was this day. It was a blustery Fall day, with the winds blowing the dead leaves in circles around their feet.
There were several hundred students who filed into the exam building. The first test was the reiatsu, or spirit pressure, test. Each student was to release their reiatsu as much as possible and then repress it as much as possible. The students were then given a number grade which indicated the level of release and repression of their spirit. Heero did extremely well in this part of the exam; Duo on the other hand, faired well, but not as good as Heero. This amused Heero to no end when Duo told him his score.
“Stop laughing Heero. I can’t help it if I don’t have as great control over my body as you do.”
“I could’ve told them that.”
Duo’s eyes widened and a very light blush colored his cheeks as he realized that Heero had just made a subtle sex joke. “Not funny.”
Heero snickered. “I like the way your body gets excited at the smallest thing.”
“It only does for you.” Duo gently reminded.
“I’m glad.” Heero glanced at Duo, love burning intensely with his dark eyes. The misery he had felt for the past three years had all vanished now, leaving only tender and powerful emotions toward Duo. His Duo.
The next exam was a demon arts test. Each student was to demonstrate their knowledge of the demon arts. Here Duo faired better than Heero, but only slightly. In fact, Duo outdid everyone on this part of the exam. The worse part for him was the next stage. The written exam. It was very hard for him to concentrate on answering written questions for extended periods of time. Sure if they were asked to him aloud and he had time to think, there would be no problem, but there were at least two-hundred questions on the exam and there was a time limit. One hour to complete the whole test. Duo was panicking, and Heero was on the other side of the room from him.
Duo looked over at Heero, who gave him a reassuring smile. At least Heero knew that Duo was getting worried. With a deep breath, Duo plunged into the test, forcing himself to stay focused on the questions long enough to answer them all. With one minute left, he completed the final question. He was confident that he had answered everything correctly and that he was going to graduate with Heero.
*****
Trowa, Quatre, Duo, and Heero all stood before the podium where Zechs Marquise stood giving his congratulatory speech to all the graduates. He wished them luck on their placement exams, and that he felt confident that all who stood before him were going to be great shinigami and achieve great things.
They had all graduated and were moving on toward a new and better future. They were going to be the protectors of wandering and helpless souls, and of the humans down on Earth. Heero reached over and squeezed Duo’s hand as Marquise said his final words to the shinigami before him. In a silent gesture of love, Duo returned the squeeze. The two had no idea that from somewhere in the crowd of spectators, a person’s nails were digging into the tender flesh of their hands, angered at the display of affection between the two men.
*Sei-kou-sen - literally meaning Life Ray of Light, Duo's zanpakutou has some interesting abilities that you will later see. Life=sei Light (a ray or beam)=kousen
**Shi-kou-sen - literally meaning Death Ray of Light, Heero's is obviously a leathal zanpakutou. Death=shi Light (a ray or beam)=kousen
Legal stuf ... Bleach and Gundam Wing don't belong to me, they belong to Kubo Tite, Hajime Yadate and Yoshiyuki Tomino respectively.
geovisit();
Warnings: Lots of angst and weird stuff going on. ^_^
Status: COMPLETE
Heero stared blankly out the large picture window in his small apartment. In his lap were all the letters Duo had written him, each one slightly discolored from being handled over the past three years. Heero had read them over and over, trying to figure out exactly how to stop the jealousy which was stirring within him. He knew that if he had forgiven Duo, things would never be as they once were even if Duo had been completely innocent. Heero was tired of thinking, tired of crying, and tired of hurting. Aya had forcefully entered into his life, prying information out of him, stating that it was better for him to talk about it than to hold it inside himself. He had disagreed, but somehow Aya had learned everything about his and Duo’s relationship. She had worked so swiftly and discreetly that Heero never realized that he had spilled it all to her.
Aya had just left his apartment, they had been talking about where he should be placed after he graduated. She had promised to put in a good word to her captain. Heero had just nodded. He never spoke much these days, not since he and Duo had separated. The sound of the door opening and shutting caused Heero to abandon his seat and see who had entered his apartment. It was Trowa, and he had food with him. “I cooked this for you. You need to eat something more than the gruel you fix.”
Heero grunted and unwrapped the plate of chicken. He stared blankly at the food, a question on his mind, but unwilling to spill from his lips.
“He’s fine. I checked on him yesterday ... well, I saw him across the campus yesterday. He was in the arena practicing his demon arts. Looking well too, although he still hasn’t put on any meat. He’s still skinny.”
“Not as skinny as you.” Heero jabbed his fork into the grilled chicken and took a bite. He didn’t taste the food as it slid down his throat.
“Hey.” Trowa sighed and sat in the chair across from Heero. Trowa and Quatre had been Heero’s only contacts outside of school, until Aya had entered into Heero’s life. They had fed him and given him a place to stay until he and Duo were back together. However, the two had never reconciled, Heero had never tried. Trowa knew better than to push Heero into going to Duo, but Quatre sadly had not known. He had tried again and again to get Heero to at least go and see Duo to let him try and explain everything, but Heero had simply glared at the blond man. He was so angry that he couldn’t see past that one moment, the moment when he realized that Duo’s arm was around the girl he had been caught kissing.
After a year of Quatre’s nagging, Heero had found his own place and moved. He was almost ready to graduate, he was now a seventh year student and had completed most of the courses required to graduate. The one thing left for him to do was to attempt to find his zanpakutou within his soul. Heero was determined to be one of the few students who could accomplish this feat prior to graduating from the academy.
“Heero,” Trowa frowned as he looked upon his friend. Heero’s hair was in desperate need of a cut, and he had some stubble on his chin from neglect. “If you don’t get a hold of yourself, you’re not going to be able to hear the voice of your zanpakutou.”
“I know, Trowa.” Heero stressed Trowa’s name out of annoyance. This was yet one more thing that he was tired of, being told to let go and to find his center. Damn his center and letting go, he wanted to be miserable. After all, in Heero’s mind he deserved it for being reluctant in speaking with Duo. Now he knew there was no hope. He had heard people talking about Duo and Laurie; their words had crushed Heero, and told him there was no chance now of the two of them fixing everything. It was over.
Heero rose from his seat and walked over to the door. He picked up his asauchi*. “I’m going to meditate. Stay if you want.” Heero walked out the door. Trowa stared at the door wondering if Heero would ever be like he was before. He had changed so much from the silent and angry child, and now he was returning to his previous self. Trowa knew he had to do something.
Heero walked solemnly to the same spot he always went to whenever he planned to meditate. There was no one around, only animals. He felt that it was the one place where Duo’s ghost wouldn’t haunt him.
Heero began as he had for the past year, a deep steadying breath and a slow exhale as his eyes drifted shut. He had come very close more than once to finding his inner world, but every time he had lost his concentration. Usually it was because a familiar presence had disrupted his peace. Though, the source of the presence could never be found. Heero cleared his mind and allowed himself to look inward. Soon he became very calm and focused, he was very close to reaching his center once again. Then just like every time before, that same feeling of someone being close to him broke through his trance.
Heero refused to pay attention to the nagging feeling in the back of his mind. He was going to do it this time. He would find his inner world. A bright light flashed and suddenly Heero found himself in a wide open field. Beautiful wildflowers littered the landscape, gently bending with the soft wind. He looked around amazed at how peaceful and beautiful it was, and that was when he spotted it. The dark cloud over a mountain in the distance. What appeared to have once been a beautiful and serene place was now horribly marred and dark.
Heero’s feet began to move toward to the scarred area of the field. A knot began to form in his stomach; he knew that he was heading toward an area which housed unpleasant things, but there was a strong possibility that his zanpakutou was there. The closer he came to the darkness, he began to smell burnt wood and grass. Heero was amazed at the destruction of everything, and the fact that it resembled his home in Rukongai.
The area before Heero was that of the second house in which he and Duo had spent their teenage years living. It was the place where Heero had confessed his feelings to Duo, and where they had lost their virginity. A solitary tear slipped from Heero’s expressive blue eyes as he gazed upon the wreckage of the house.
“Sad, isn’t it?” An all too familiar voice spoke from behind Heero. Heart racing, Heero turned to face the person who had spoken.
Trowa knocked on Duo’s dorm room door; he was greeted by a sleepy and yawning Duo. “Hey Trowa. C’mon in.” Duo moved away from the door to allow Trowa inside. “So what’s up?”
“Duo ... I know I haven’t said anything to you about this, but -- Heero’s miserable.” Duo’s eyes lit up when Trowa spoke Heero’s name. He had been intending to see him for the past week, but with the busy schedule Duo was leading, it had been impossible. “He needs you. Desperately. He still loves you.”
“Funny. He sure doesn’t act like he’s in love with me.” Duo slumped into a chair and concentrated on the floor. He refused to allow Trowa to see the tears which were threatening to fall from his eyes.
“Duo, he -- messed up. It’s not my place to tell you what he’s told me in confidence, but I think you should go and talk with him.”
“I’ve been planning to. I’ve just been too busy studying for my final exams.”
“I understand that. I do. But I mean it when I say that he still loves you.”
“I still love him too.” Duo’s voice cracked as the tears he had been holding at bay finally fell. “I never stopped. I didn’t cheat on him -- everything was just a horrible misunderstanding. I wish to God that I could change it all, but I can’t. And I’ve told Heero that, but he never responded. Never, Trowa. There’s no way he still loves me. I was never important to him I guess. I just wasn’t ‘his soul’ as he always liked to say.”
Heero stared at the source of the voice. His long hair was free from its usual braided prison and he was wearing what looked like an old styled priest outfit. The length of the black overcoat hugged his trim body and accentuated his form in a very appealing manner. “Duo ...” Heero breathed. He was so shocked that he wasn’t sure how to respond. Why was Duo inside of his soul? Was he part of this dark twisted scene or something more ...?
“Surprised?” Duo chuckled softly. “I knew you would be. You probably had no idea that you had done this to yourself.”
“Huh? How --?”
“How? Hmm ... maybe it’s because of your ignoring Duo’s feelings. His pleas to you to try and work everything out. Or maybe you’re asking how I’m here.”
Heero’s brows drew together in a scowl of concentration. He was starting to think that possibly his mind was beginning to play tricks on him. “Why are you here?”
“You mean to say that you’ve been meditating for the past year and you don’t know where you are?”
“Duo, I know where I am ... this is my soul, my inner world. But what I don’t understand is why you’re here.” Heero slowly approached the image of Duo, who quickly stepped farther away from Heero.
“My name is not Duo. I am not the man whom you love. My name is ...” Heero strained to here his introduction, but failed. He clearly heard the man speak, but he was unable to make out any words. The Duo-look-alike shook his head and chuckled softly. “You have to open up your heart and look deep within. Then you will be ready to hear my name.”
“How? I’ve been doing this for a year. I was hoping that I could be one of the few who was able to reach shikai before I graduated.”
“From what I hear, that’s an unheard of feat.” The man walked around looking at the charred building. “It’s in your reach, Heero. All you have to do is open up to me. That’s all.” He turned and smiled at Heero. Flames flared up around Duo and Heero screamed as the fire engulfed the two of them and became a red-hot wall between the two.
Heero’s eyes flew open, Duo’s name on his lips. He panted and shook himself as he realized that he was back in the outside world. “Why? Why did that happen ...? Who was that?” Heero’s head was pounding and he was beginning to feel sick. He decided that he had trained enough for one day, and would head back home.
Trowa sighed deeply and sat on the edge of Duo’s bed; Duo was crying and Trowa knew how much he hated people to see that side of him. Duo viewed it as a weakness which could be exploited, so he had trained himself to never show his more vulnerable side to anyone. Heero had been the only person to ever see him cry. “Tell me what to do Trowa. I’ll do it. I’ll do anything Heero wants me to -- I just want him back.”
Trowa reached out a hand to try and comfort Duo, who looked no better than Heero did. Like Heero it was obvious that he hadn’t been eating properly, and his hair no longer held the bright shine it once held before Heero and Duo had split. “Come with to his apartment. If Heero wants to kill me -- so be it. I can’t watch my two friends slowly allow themselves to die.”
Duo gazed up at Trowa, his eyes were bloodshot now, and he looked small and lost. “Okay. I’ll get dressed.”
Trowa stood and walked to the door. “I’ll wait outside.”
Duo’s stomach felt like a butter churn. He wasn’t sure how Heero would react when he saw him with Trowa, and what made matters worse, was the fact that Duo had slept with Laurie. Duo shut his eyes tightly. “I’ll tell him that after we work through everything. -- God who am I kidding?! Heero’s going to hate me for what I did and never speak to me.” Duo allowed his head to hit against the wall with a loud thump. “I hate myself.”
Heero laid down on his bed after taking some aspirin. He stared at the white speckled ceiling thinking about what the Duo inside him had said. There was a possibility that Heero had created that area when he believed that Duo had cheated on him, but then it could just represent a dark part of himself. Heero groaned miserably and rolled over on his side to face the window. A bird darted by, a worm in its beak, for one second Heero wished he was a bird, that way all he would have to worry about is worms. There would be no pain, no love, no Duo ... but that would make him even more pained.
Heero drifted off into a fitful nap, his dreams consisting of nothing but Duo. A persistent knocking sound broke through one of the more disturbing dreams and awakened Heero. “Who is it?!” He called out angrily, still laying on his bed.
“Trowa.” Trowa waited for Heero to open the door, but that never happened. “Heero, open the door!”
“I don’t want to see anyone.” Heero had walked to the door and was peering through the peephole. He saw Trowa standing, rather impatiently, and then he saw Duo. His heart leaped into his throat and then fell quickly into the pit of his stomach. Why was Duo with Trowa? Had he told Duo everything? Why Heero had not spoken with him? With a deep sigh, Heero opened the door. “Duo can come in. You back to Quatre.”
“Okay. Don’t kill each other.”
Duo laughed derisively. “If it happens it’ll be a mercy killing.” He walked past Trowa and sat in one of the chairs surrounding Heero’s small kitchen table.
Heero quietly thanked Trowa and then shut the door. He stood there, his hand resting on the handle for a few moments. “Why are you here?” Heero finally asked in a softer than normal voice.
“To say I’m sorry. And that I love you ... I always have.” Duo hoped that by saying that up front, then Heero would be more receiving of anything that came later. He was hoping that since three years had passed, those three words would be all it would take to gain Heero’s forgiveness. Even though Duo knew that was only a dream.
“You can love someone and treat them like shit, Duo. I’ve come to realize that.” Heero still wouldn’t face Duo. He was afraid that if he turned and looked into those large indigo eyes that he would crumble, and he needed his strength to ask Duo about Laurie.
“I wrote to you ... did you not read the letters?”
“I read them. All of them.”
“Then why the hell didn’t you respond?” Duo stood and walked over to Heero. He gently placed his hands on Heero’s arms and forced him to turn and look at him. “Answer me -- please.” Heero looked up reluctantly, and he saw the signs of Duo’s previous bought of tears. He steeled himself against the pitiful expression on his love’s face. Heero had to get through this, if not the two of them would never be truly happy again.
Heero breathed deeply before calmly explaining to Duo. “Because I didn’t think I was ready to forgive you. When I showed up ... your arm was around her. The two of you looked very cozy.”
“I know. I -- I didn’t think. She said she was cold, and I offered her my cloak. She refused and said that we could share. I’m not trying to put the blame on Hilde. I’m the guilty one because I didn’t think about how that would look to you. Or to anyone for that matter! But Heero -- I don’t love her. I don’t feel anything for her! I love you!”
Heero averted his eyes once again from the pain he saw on Duo’s face. “What about Laurie? What is she to you?”
“L-laurie ... how did you ...?”
“I heard rumors. They said the two of you were dating.”
Duo sat back down at the table. He hadn’t expected to have to talk about Laurie so quickly. “We were. But we broke up, because I still love you.”
Heero grunted, for the first time Duo was unable to read the meaning behind the sound. “How long did you date her?”
“About seven months.” Duo took in a shaky breath. “Heero -- I ... I slept with her.” He glanced out of the corner of his eye to catch Heero’s reaction to his confession. With a tight chest, Duo continued. “We’d been dating for six months, but we had known each other for about a year. She wanted a more intimate relationship. I considered it, but I could only think of how much I loved you and I wasn’t ready to give you up. But, the day that it happened, I saw you and Aya together. For some reason I got this crazy idea that the two of you were now a couple.” Again, Duo glanced at Heero. It was impossible to have any idea how he was reacting to what Duo was telling him; Heero’s face was stone-still and his eyes were downcast. Duo plunged onward. “I thought if I moved forward in my relationship with her, that you would be a distant memory. That I’d forget about you -- but it didn’t happen. I was so empty, so lonely. I knew then that you were the only one I loved or would ever love. I can’t change what I did Heero. It happened. And I know that --”
“That what?” Heero’s voice was low and held a dangerous edge to its timbre. “That I would be upset. But somehow completely forget it? Forget that you slept with someone else. When I did nothing. I was going to come back to you Duo, when I was ready. But,” Heero’s laugh was soft, but Duo could sense the mixture of depression and anger. “I need to be alone, Duo.”
“Heero ... please, just --”
“NO! Get out -- now.” Heero’s body was trembling from his repressed anger. Duo lingered one second more, before slamming the door behind him. Angry, hurt, and confused, Heero picked up his asauchi and left for his meditation spot.
Duo wandered the campus for about an hour before he finally decided to head back to his dorm room. He wasn’t sure what to do. Heero now knew what had happened between himself and Laurie, but the problem was that Heero was furious with him. Duo was uncertain as to whether or not Heero viewed what happened as yet another form of cheating, or if he had just simply been hurt.
The pain Duo had seen in Heero’s eyes haunted his restless sleep that night. After attempting to go back to sleep for what felt like the millionth time, Duo decided to meditate and practice reaching within himself. He was going to have to do this sooner or later if he ever wanted to advance within the shinigami rankings, and now seemed like the perfect opportunity. He needed a good solid distraction from the hurt and confusion welling within him.
Duo sat in the center of his room with his eyes closed. He reached deep within himself, and very quickly found himself next to the ocean. The soft roar of the waves crashing upon the pebbled beach filled his senses. Duo slowly opened his eyes and what met him was not a beautiful relaxing beach, but a horrible nightmare. The sky was churning and held a hideous green tint. Far off in the distance, dark gray clouds churned in and out of each other angrily. Rain fell on the dark blue-green water causing the frothy foam upon the surface to swirl in menacing patterns.
“This looks like hell.” Duo whispered softly as he bent over to pick up a dark pebble. As he righted himself, he had the distinct feeling that he was being watched. Turning around slowly, Duo somehow knew who it was that was watching him, even before he saw those dark blue eyes gazing at him from under a mop of messy chocolate brown hair. “Heero. Why are you here?”
“Wondering why you’re hating yourself so much.” Heero’s voice was soft and helped ease some of Duo’s discomfort.
“Because I hurt you -- more than once. Everything’s my fault ... there’s nothing I can do to change that.”
Heero slipped off of the rock on which he had been seated. “And so you hate yourself?”
Duo shrugged and glanced out at the ocean. “I suppose I do. I hate myself for hurting you.”
“I don’t think that Heero hates you. He still loves you -- but you need to let go of this anger. It’ll only destroy you, but if you allow it to consume you ... there’ll be nothing left for Heero to love.” Duo was puzzled as to why Heero was referring to himself in third person. He was also wondering about his outfit of immaculate white. Heero was sporting an open white oxford shirt and very tight white pants. The brilliant white against Heero’s skin made him appear to be much darker than usual. Heero smirked. “You look hungry. Want something to eat?”
Duo blushed and looked away from Heero. “No. I’m fine.”
“You don’t know who I am ... do you.” Heero followed Duo’s gaze and joined him in staring at the dark clouds in the distance.
“You’re not Heero ... but yet you are.”
The laughter which spilled from Heero’s mouth was music to Duo’s ears. He hadn’t heard that sound in so long that his heart constricted with sadness. “Intuitive. You catch on quickly. Just like always.”
“You’re my zanpakutou -- aren’t you.” Duo turned and gazed at Heero. It was the only explanation, the man standing next to him was the physical incarnation of his soul cutter sword.
“Yes.” The answer was spoken softly, and Duo had to strain over the sound of the waves to hear. So this was his zanpakutou, how ironic. His true love, his soul mate, was the person who basically represented his soul’s fighting spirit. “If you’re wondering why I look like Heero, it’s quite simple really. You love Heero more than anything else, and you garner much of your strength to live and to fight through him. As he does you. So it’s only natural that I look like him.”
“Is it like this for everyone?”
“No. Everyone is different -- it just depends on their soul. Look around you, what do you think when you see this area?”
“I think of sadness and raging anger and pain.”
“Clear it up.”
“It’s not that easy! You can’t just stand there and tell me to forget what I did to Heero! I hurt him. I hurt us -- that’s not just something I can stand here and forgive ... especially since he hasn’t forgiven me.”
“I can’t tell you my name then. I’m sorry. You’re soul must be free of all strong negative emotions -- you must be ready to hear my name. You must be focused.” Heero began to fade, and Duo reached out to stop him, but was too late.
Duo plopped down onto the beach and stared at the clouds. “Can I really fix my anger at myself?” He laid back and closed his eyes, focusing on the one thing that he knew he could do, and that was to win Heero’s heart back. Slowly, one by one, the clouds began to calm and the wind quieted. Duo’s determination began to grow and overtake the anger which he had been feeling only moments earlier. As he opened his eyes, he noticed that the sky was a bright blue, the sea was calm, and the wind was just a cooling breeze now.
“I told you, you could do it.” Heero was standing behind him, a grin dancing across his face.
“Heh. You were right.” Duo stood and dusted himself off. “So -- now what?”
“I tell you my real name.” Duo’s heart began to pound inside his chest. With the next few words out of Heero’s mouth, he would officially be on the path of becoming a strong shinigami. “My name is, Seikousen*.”
Duo smiled. “So that’s your name? I like it. Some how it fits.”
“Look at your asauchi.” Duo lifted his sword and gazed at how it had changed. “That is it’s shikai form.” The sword which had been plain before, now held an intricate inlay of silver. The blade itself held one flat edge and then the sharp edge slowly curved from large to small, almost like a butcher’s knife. The blade was a brilliant white and the hilt and guard were all decorated with bits of silver and platinum; lastly a silver threaded tassel hung from the end of the hilt. “Say my name and your asauchi will transform into this.”
“It’s beautiful.” Duo whispered as he moved the sword back and forth, allowing the sunlight to play across the metal. He turned to thank Seikousen, but he had already disappeared. A moment later Duo found himself back in his dorm room, his asauchi laying beside him in its new form, a simple white blade with a silver tassel hanging from the hilt. He smiled and caressed the sword. “I’ll get you back -- I promise.”
Heero stood in the pile of ashes that once was his home in Rukongai. He had been standing there for a full thirty minutes, wondering where the hell the Duo look-alike was. He was going to get some answers as to why his inner world was now a chard field with what was once a small cabin now laying in ruins around him. “Duo!” Heero screamed once again, as he had done every five minutes since he had entered that world.
“Will you stop screaming. You’re giving me the worst headache.” The man was standing behind Heero, a broad smirk plastered across his stupidly handsome face. Heero was really considering punching him, but then he would have to wait for him to regain consciousness and he had been waiting long enough.
“Why are you here? And why does the place now look like this?”
“Wow. Do you do anything besides ask questions? No wonder I have a headache.” Duo began to poke through the charred remains of the building.
“Are you looking for something?” Heero followed behind him, inspecting each spot, but he found nothing of value or interest. There was only ashes wherever he looked.
“There you go again!” Duo stood and threw his arms up in the air in a silent plea. “Why? Huh? I know -- I’ll ask you some questions. Why the fuck did you not listen to what Duo had to say to you? You just cut him off ... every time, and look at yourself now!” He spread his arms wide and indicated the scorched land surrounding the two. “You did this. Not Duo.”
Heero starred slack-jawed at this Duo. Why did he do what he did? It was a very simple answer, he had pushed Duo away yet again because he couldn’t deal with the emotions he had been feeling. He needed time -- time to sort through the pain and the anger, so that he could find forgiveness for Duo. Although, Heero now realized with a bit of regret, he had waited too long. Now Duo had slept with someone else, and ... with a bit of surprise, Heero found himself agreeing with this inner world Duo. “You’re right. It is all my fault that it got this out of hand. But that doesn’t change the fact that he slept with someone that wasn’t me.”
Duo moved closely to Heero, his indigo eyes bored holes into Heero’s darker blue eyes. “Do you love him?”
“Well ... yes. I do.”
“Then you can forgive him -- right?”
“No.” The answer came so swiftly that Duo had to blink a few times before it registered that Heero had spoken.
“No!? Why the hell not!? I’m not talking about right this very moment, but later ... after the two of you have --”
“I can’t do it. The thoughts of him being someone else ... it’s all I can do to stop them in my head when I see him.”
“What? Heero, the only time you’ve seen him since he’s told you was when he told you. Now ... don’t you think that you’re jumping the gun a little here? I think you should go to him and talk. See what happens.”
“I can’t do it. It’s hard enough to look at you.” Heero’s shoulders slumped slightly as he began to walk away from Duo.
“There you go again ... running away from everything -- because it doesn’t hurt as much, right?” Heero’s back stiffened as he heard what Duo had to say. “I’m right, aren’t I. You run away from him because he scares the hell outta you. He makes you feel strong emotions that you can’t quite deal with. Right?”
“What the hell do you know about me!?” Heero turned slowly around to face his tormentor. His pain screamed from behind his prussian blue eyes; his clinched fists were the only things that stayed him from strangling this other man. “You know nothing about me!”
“On the contrary, Heero. I know everything about you. I am your zanpakutou -- and we always know about our hosts.”
Heero swallowed hard and looked closely at his zanpakutou. The resemblance to Duo was uncanny. Every facial expression, every mannerism, every freckle ... they were all there. For all purposes, this was Duo; however, Heero knew that there was much more to this than what lay before his eyes. “My zanpakutou?”
“Yes, but you have so much other pain and anger inside of you that you can’t hear my name.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I didn’t expect that you would. Well, I’m getting tired -- I think I’ll go lay down until you figure this shit out.” Duo scooted his foot around in the ashes and then laid down on his back. His eyes closed and his chest began to move softly up and down.
Heero grunted in annoyance. Why did he have to fix things, especially when they couldn’t be fixed? All he wanted was to forget what he had seen, what Duo had told him. He just wanted to forget everything. In fact ... for a fraction of a moment, Heero wished that he could erase Duo from his memory.
“I wouldn’t wish for that, if I were you. It may come true one day.”
“Stuff it.” Heero spat out angrily.
The zanpakutou spirit began to chuckle as he sat up to face Heero. “‘Stuff it’? That’s the best you can do? Come on, let it out! Yell at me! I look like Duo, and I guess essentially -- I am Duo. Yell at me. Tell me how much you hurt, how angry you are with me. It’ll make you feel better.”
“You’ll get mad at me.” Heero glanced at the spirit in a somewhat sheepish manner.
The spirit began to laugh out loud then. This was no small laugh either, it was a good hardy laugh, one that came from the tips of your toes. “You’re afraid to share your feelings with me, well Duo, because we’ll get mad at you.”
“I’m not good at confrontations.” Heero turned to face the spirit, his bottom lip protruding slightly in a delicate pout. “And since you say you know me so well, then why didn’t you already know that?”
The spirit stopped laughing with Heero’s last remark. “I don’t know everything about you. But I do know an awful lot. So, are you going to yell at me? Because telling me how you feel is the only way to set things right.” As an afterthought, the spirit added, “Oh, yeah. Don’t forget you’ll have to do it again when you see Duo.”
“Huh?”
“Well, it’s not like he’ll know what you say to me. I am after all your zanpakutou ... not his. He can’t hear my voice.”
“Then I’d rather not yell at you. There’s no point.”
“Yes there is. C’mon, Heero ... do it.”
Heero stood there contemplating whether the spirit had a point or not. He did feel like hurting something, but that was exactly why he hadn’t talked with Duo yet. However, Heero had taken too long the first time, it was best that he didn’t make that same mistake twice. After thinking for a few minutes, suddenly words began to spill out from within Heero. He wasn’t sure why, but they just continued to pour forth along with his emotions. “It’s not like I have a lot of confidence as far as our relationship goes, Duo. I often wonder if I’m what you want. If I’m interesting enough to keep you with me. If you love me as much as I love you. I seem to find myself wondering this way too often. Then that day when I saw you kissing Hilde, I snapped. I felt empty inside. Almost as if all my questions had been answered.
So then, when I came back ... I had thought out exactly what I was going to say. I didn’t want to upset you, but I did. I chose the wrong words, and then you were gone. I was so happy when you asked me to try again, to talk things through -- yet there she was. This time wrapped up in your arm and cloak. I -- I thought that you may have done that just to make me angry, to make me go away for good. I was so mad, at myself and at you. That’s why I stayed away so long ... that was why I never answered your letters. I was afraid of what you would say, of what you would do.
Today, though, when you came to my apartment -- I allowed myself a bit of hope, but I stupidly had to ask about Laurie. I wish that I hadn’t now, but I did. And it makes me feel sick to think that you were with another person that way. I -- I ... You’re mine dammit! Always and forever, mine!” Heero reached out and grabbed the spirit’s shirt collar. He was torn between the desire to punch that face which he loved so much, or kiss it senseless. The spirit gently laid his hand on Heero’s and smiled.
“That was good. You showed enough emotions to make Duo see why you did what you did. -- At least I think you did.”
“I can’t say that to him.” Heero let go of the spirit’s shirt and walked away from him. Rain began to pour down onto the two, washing away the soot and ashes.
“Heero ... he loves you so much. I can tell by your memories of him. Please, Heero -- please forgive him, and try to start a new relationship with him. You can’t go on living like this.”
“Why? What’s the point? I messed up twice, and how am I supposed to keep my jealousy at bay? I know that’s what caused the problems in the first place -- but I can’t tell it to go away, it’s part of me.”
The spirit sighed, this was proving much more difficult than he had originally expected. “At least you can recognize that you have that jealousy. It could be worse, you could be blaming Duo for everything.”
“But if he hadn’t --”
“Okay, now you’re being an ass. Look, yes Duo made some mistakes ... but it’s not like he set out to cheat on you.” The spirit began to walk around Heero, his arms crossed against his chest. “Yes, he did kiss another girl while you were dating, but from what I understand -- she kissed him. Not really his fault. Then you caught them with his arm and cloak wrapped around each other. Yes that is his fault ... and somewhat stupid, but he said he was sorry -- and that it wasn’t because he liked her that way. Am I right?” Heero grunted affirmatively and looked away from his zanpakutou. He decided that he hated the fact that it looked so much like Duo. “So,” the spirit continued. “I feel that you should go and have another talk with him. Maybe say to him what you said to me.”
“I will. But not now. I’ve got you here and I’m not leaving until I get your name.”
“Stubborn little bastard.” The spirit said quietly to himself.
“Yes, I am.”
The spirit winced slightly when Heero spoke; he hadn’t meant for him to hear that. “Okay, look ... let go of your anger, and then you might be able to hear my name. But you have to believe in yourself and me before you can do so.”
Heero sat down on the ground and began to meditate. He was very determined now to rid himself of the negative feelings inside so that he could go back to Duo. He wanted to fix things, and he began to believe that he could forgive Duo. Heero thought back on all the good and fun times which he and Duo had shared. There was no way he was going to just let those go without a fight. He would win him back.
Slowly, the rain began to clear up and bit-by-bit the run-down house returned to its original state. The sun came out and shone down onto a beautiful field, which now had no charred or burning area within it. “You did it, Heero. I think you’re ready to hear my name.”
“I am.”
“My name is Shikousen**.”
Heero began to laugh softly. “Why am I not surprised with that name? Funny how you almost expect certain things from certain people ... and you have no idea why.” Heero lifted his asauchi and inspected its transformation. The blade was a steely black with what looked like an onyx inlay running along the sword. The hilt and the guard were of antique gold; a black and gold tassel hung from the end of the hilt. The blade was large; it was flat on the dull side and the sharp edge curved down from large to small.
“Your zanpakutou is one of two. It has a twin called Seikousen. Alone it’s one of the most agile and powerful zanpakutou in existence. However, if used alongside of its twin -- they are near to unstoppable.”
“Thank you. I’ll look for its twin.” Heero smiled to himself. He knew who had the other zanpakutou, and he would find it very soon.
Heero walked to the quad the next day to meet Duo. As he neared the central area of the academy, his stomach began to grow taught. Heero was terrified he may find a similar scene to what met him the last time he had agreed to meet Duo in this spot. He rounded the corner next to the central building, and the scene before him broke his heart.
Duo was standing in front of the same tree that Heero had shoved him against in anger. His hair was out of its braid and pulled back loosely in a simple que. In his hand was a large bouquet of daffodils, Heero’s favorite flower. He looked just as nervous as Heero felt, and just as heartbreakingly beautiful as Heero remembered.
Heero’s steps quickened steadily as he walked toward Duo, who was beginning to fidget and was looking in the opposite direction from which Heero was approaching. His heart felt as if it was going to burst out of his chest. What if Heero had decided not to come? Duo wouldn’t have blamed him, but he longed to be able just one more time to touch Heero, to talk to him, and to tell him how much he loves him. “Duo.” The voice caused Duo’s heart to skip a beat. He turned slowly to find Heero standing behind him, a gentle and welcoming smile on his face.
Duo fought the tears which stung his eyes back and forced a smile onto his face to hide his raw emotions; but Heero saw those feelings shining brightly within those eyes that had haunted his dreams for the past three years. The eyes which had always looked upon him so gently and tenderly. How could he have ever doubted Duo’s love?
Duo shoved the flowers at Heero. “I -- I got these for you.” A soft blush lit up Duo’s cheeks as Heero’s hand brushed his.
“Duo,” Heero tenderly placed a hand over Duo’s and squeezed lovingly.
“Huh?” Duo looked into Heero’s probing eyes. He knew that Heero could read everything that was there.
“I want to try to work through this.” Heero looked down at their joined hands and the bouquet which was becoming slightly crushed. “I love you. And I was an idiot to think that you didn’t love me as much. I thought that maybe I was something that amused you for a short time, but you had started to become bored with.”
“You’ll never bore me.” Duo tentatively reached out to stroke Heero’s silken hair. He rested his palm against Heero’s cheek, who then leaned into the open hand. Heero’s eyes drifted shut as he breathed in the scent that was Duo. For a breathless moment the two men stood there touching and holding one another. It was a feminine voice which broke through their momentary bliss.
“I see the two of you have made up.” Heero and Duo turned to find seventh seated shinigami, eleventh gotei, Akimori Aya, standing with her arms crossed and sweet smile on her cherubic face. “I’m glad to see that. I was sent here with an invitation from my captain. He would like it if you sat for the entrance exam into the eleventh.”
Duo and Heero glanced at each other, completely stunned that the strongest guild would want them. “Sure.” Duo agreed with a large grin and a handshake. “Thanks Akimori.”
“My pleasure.” Aya bowed slightly and then left the two boys behind.
“Wow, Heero ... can you believe it?! The eleventh has requested for us to take the exam on their behalf. That rarely happens.”
Heero agreed softly. He was too busy watching the sunlight dance and play within the indigo depths of Duo’s eyes. There was one thing that he loved most about Duo, and that was his happy nature. Of course, that happy nature wasn’t always the true feelings within Duo, but for the most part -- it was. Heero had always been able to lift his spirits with just one moment of Duo’s smile and laugh. Duo made him feel alive.
One month had passed since Duo and Heero had decided to work through things. They were living together once again, and happy just as before, possibly even more, now that they knew what it was like to not be with one another. Their final exam was this day. It was a blustery Fall day, with the winds blowing the dead leaves in circles around their feet.
There were several hundred students who filed into the exam building. The first test was the reiatsu, or spirit pressure, test. Each student was to release their reiatsu as much as possible and then repress it as much as possible. The students were then given a number grade which indicated the level of release and repression of their spirit. Heero did extremely well in this part of the exam; Duo on the other hand, faired well, but not as good as Heero. This amused Heero to no end when Duo told him his score.
“Stop laughing Heero. I can’t help it if I don’t have as great control over my body as you do.”
“I could’ve told them that.”
Duo’s eyes widened and a very light blush colored his cheeks as he realized that Heero had just made a subtle sex joke. “Not funny.”
Heero snickered. “I like the way your body gets excited at the smallest thing.”
“It only does for you.” Duo gently reminded.
“I’m glad.” Heero glanced at Duo, love burning intensely with his dark eyes. The misery he had felt for the past three years had all vanished now, leaving only tender and powerful emotions toward Duo. His Duo.
The next exam was a demon arts test. Each student was to demonstrate their knowledge of the demon arts. Here Duo faired better than Heero, but only slightly. In fact, Duo outdid everyone on this part of the exam. The worse part for him was the next stage. The written exam. It was very hard for him to concentrate on answering written questions for extended periods of time. Sure if they were asked to him aloud and he had time to think, there would be no problem, but there were at least two-hundred questions on the exam and there was a time limit. One hour to complete the whole test. Duo was panicking, and Heero was on the other side of the room from him.
Duo looked over at Heero, who gave him a reassuring smile. At least Heero knew that Duo was getting worried. With a deep breath, Duo plunged into the test, forcing himself to stay focused on the questions long enough to answer them all. With one minute left, he completed the final question. He was confident that he had answered everything correctly and that he was going to graduate with Heero.
Trowa, Quatre, Duo, and Heero all stood before the podium where Zechs Marquise stood giving his congratulatory speech to all the graduates. He wished them luck on their placement exams, and that he felt confident that all who stood before him were going to be great shinigami and achieve great things.
They had all graduated and were moving on toward a new and better future. They were going to be the protectors of wandering and helpless souls, and of the humans down on Earth. Heero reached over and squeezed Duo’s hand as Marquise said his final words to the shinigami before him. In a silent gesture of love, Duo returned the squeeze. The two had no idea that from somewhere in the crowd of spectators, a person’s nails were digging into the tender flesh of their hands, angered at the display of affection between the two men.
*Sei-kou-sen - literally meaning Life Ray of Light, Duo's zanpakutou has some interesting abilities that you will later see. Life=sei Light (a ray or beam)=kousen
**Shi-kou-sen - literally meaning Death Ray of Light, Heero's is obviously a leathal zanpakutou. Death=shi Light (a ray or beam)=kousen