Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Poisoned Memories: Ghost and Shadows ❯ Part 3 ( Chapter 3 )

Poisoned Memories

 

Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows

 

Part 3

 

 

Shi woke to the sound of the telephone ringing. He was in his bed still, though someone had taken the time and effort to undress him and put him in the pajama bottoms and t-shirt he always wore to bed. That it might have been his mother who had dressed him made a brief spark of excitement shoot through him. He could hug her, he thought, he could let her hold him like she did when he was a little kid and maybe it wouldn't make anything better, but he didn't care. He suddenly felt like a little kid with a sugar addiction, not even caring if the candy tasted good, he just needed it. But then Shi rolled over to look at the clock hanging on his wall and realized that he had been sleeping for less than an hour. There was no way that his parents had come home yet, which meant that his grandfather had cleaned him up and dressed him for bed.

His grandfather had… had `fucked' him, he had seen his lower body naked, so why the thought that the man had dressed him was so unnerving and wrong eluded him. Maybe because he felt that he didn't have the right to. Even before he had raped him… only his mom or his dad was allowed to tuck him in! The brief spark of anger that went through him gave him the strength to roll out of bed. Pain lanced up his back, but he ignored it.

The phone had stopped ringing, though Shi did not know when it had stopped. He hoped that it was his mother calling and that his grandfather had not answered, so she would think there was something wrong and would rush home—Shi swiftly cut off that train of thought. It was childish, and he quickly realized that he wasn't really a child anymore. Would his mother even consider him a child, her child, if she knew? Would she make things better when she came home? Would his father? So often in his life, they had soothed him, had taken away pain. But would that be enough now? Maybe. He couldn't bear to think that it wouldn't, but he couldn't stop thinking of that possibility, either.

His feeling of love of thinking of his parents vanished as quickly as he had started to feel it, reawakening the numbness in him. The feeling scared him a little, but he didn't want to feel the way he had felt when his grandfather had been on top of him. The numbness was better. Shi walked slowly to his door and opened it. From the hallway, he heard that the TV was on. It struck him then, like a punch, that Eirie was probably awake. Panic overwhelmed the numbness in his heart and he was suddenly running down the hall towards the kitchen. His baby brother was up, all alone with their grandfather…

His grandfather's promise rang in his head, but seemed so small and pointless compared to the pain in his back and ass, the physical proof to who his grandfather really was. He would never let his brother be alone with that pervert! Shi stumbled to a stop when he reached the kitchen. His grandfather was sitting at the table, drinking a steaming cup of coffee and Shi could see through the open doorway on the other side of the room that Eirie was in the living room watching cartoons, far enough from their grandfather to make Shi's terror fade away. His grandfather was watching Eirie, not with heat or longing in his orange eyes, but looking like a grandfather watching his grandson. Shi couldn't understand it. Hadn't he said `you or your brother'? So why had he looked at Shi like that before, but not Eirie now? It made no sense to him, but he was still glad. He didn't want anyone looking at his brother like that.

“You're awake,” Cree finally noticed Shi and smiled at him. He frowned when the nine year old only looked at him, wordlessly, like a cat, in nonchalance. If it weren't for the empty look in Shi's red eyes, Cree would have thought that the boy was starting him down. He took a sip from his coffee, as though Shi's disturbing behavior was normal.

“A friend of yours called,” he told Shi, “He wanted to play with you tonight. I told him you weren't feeling well.”

Suddenly, like some great wall had crumbled and given way, Shi's heart woke at the mention of Vel. It was completely overwhelming. Hundreds of emotions flooded him all at once. He suddenly hated his grandfather and loved him, equally. He wanted to see Vel… wanted to pretend that everything was exactly the same as it had been when they had left each other that same after noon. Damn, had that really been on the same day? It didn't seem real. But he wanted to see him, he knew that much… and yet… he didn't. He loved Vel, so much that it hurt like hell right now. He wanted to hug him and let that touch lie to him into thinking that everything would be ok. But how could he see him? He was filthy now, he wasn't pure, wasn't a kid or an innocent. He had sold his soul for his brother's. How could Vel ever like him now? How could he face him now and not tell him the truth? He felt so battered… he felt broken inside and lost… and he knew if he saw those beautiful, kind violet and gold eyes, he wouldn't be able to lie. Had his grandfather known that? Had he been kind and spared him from seeing Vel now when he was too vulnerable?

The thing was, his grandfather had raped him, but he hadn't been cruel about it. He hadn't teased him or beat him. They had had sex, but it wasn't as harsh as it could have been. Cree was huge, he could have torn him apart, but he had tucked him in like a little child. Shi's conflicting feelings of hatred and love for the man warred through him. He had hurt him… but he was family. He had made him bleed… but he had been affectionate. He had broken him… but he was giving him space and time to heal. He couldn't understand any of it. Should he hate him because he was a rapist? Should he love him because he was his grandfather?

“Thank you,” Shi said to Cree, but his voice was hollow and haunted.

Cree frowned as Shi walked out of the kitchen and towards his brother. Shi sat next to the redhead, who beamed up at him happily.

“Shi!” he cheered, gleeful that he could stay up with his big brother, “Grandpa said you were taking a nap, too!”

Shi felt incredibly off balance as his brother chatted at him. All through the sex, he had told himself that he had been doing it for his little brother, but now, suddenly, here he was and his image of Eirie had paled in comparison. He had suffered to save this boy…

“Want to play a game?” Shi asked, forever playing his role as the loving big brother. Eirie nodded happily.

Shi loaded a video game into the game system they had, a racing game, since Eirie was too young for the adventure games that Shi liked. His little, red haired brother looked so happy as they played, but Shi remained silent. He felt so strange, like he was dreaming. Normally, he would tease his brother as they competed in the game, but he felt no urge to be `happy' and he felt like someone had stolen all his words. He should be relieved, should have held Eirie close in the knowledge that he was safe, but he only felt stale and shocked, like he was frozen in silence.

Eirie's bright smile vanished as he raced his brother. An hour passed, but Shi was like a statue next to him. There was something wrong, Eirie could sense that and he didn't like it one bit. Had he made his brother mad somehow? He had gone to sleep and Shi had been himself, but now he wasn't speaking or smiling or anything. His enjoyment in the game left him quickly. It just wasn't the same without his brother having fun, too. The controller fell from his little hands, gaining Shi's attention finally.

“Eirie?” he asked in confusion. What could possibly be wrong? He was playing with him, and he was safe, so why wasn't Eirie happy? Only one of them could be happy now, so why did he look so sad?

“Are you mad at me?” the child asked, tears in his eyes.

`He's hurt so easily,' Shi thought in astonishment. He wondered if he could ever be like that ever again, in tears over thinking that he wasn't liked.

Mad? Was he mad at Eirie? He wondered at that. He studied the four year old next to him. He suddenly realized that he wanted to hate him, very, very badly. Because of his responsibility towards his brother, he had torn his soul apart. It was Eirie's fault, right? He should hate him, he should yell at him, demanding to know why he always had to be the strong one?! Shi looked into his brother's deep, violet eyes.

Shi smiled, a true, affectionate smile, and tackled his little brother. Eirie giggled as Shi tickled him, sweeping him up in his arms and holding him tightly.

“Dummy,” he grinned, “How could I ever not like a little cutie like you?”

“Not cute,” Eirie managed to pout through his giggles. Shi smirked and put him down, handing him his controller.

“I guess I'm still half-asleep,” he lied, “But I'll pay attention now.”

Shi watched Eirie as they returned to the game. He should hate him. Every instinct and common sense he had told him that. But right then… no, always…. he felt nothing but intense love for him. A bit of pain eased in his chest. Eirie was safe and he loved him. As long as that remained the same, everything would be fine.

 

 

*****

 

Before their parents came home, Shi tucked his little brother into bed and was confident that they would never find out that he had let him stay up late. Eirie had been wired, but had obediently gone to bed, not wanting to get his big brother in trouble. Not that it really bothered Shi anymore. He wondered if he would cry if his parents yelled at him, because he felt so tightly wound, he was sure that the slightest reprimand from his mom or dad would make him snap. Waiting for their arrival, Shi had gone to his room and had locked the door, not wanting the chance that his grandfather wanted to hurt him again. He had waited for them anxiously, wanting badly for the monster to leave his comfortable home and wanting to see his mother's kind face, his father's strong form.

His grandfather had made up his beds with new sheets and Shi wondered what he had done with the dirty ones. The man wouldn't be so stupid as to let his mother see the bloody sheets, but it was just another something that he didn't think he really wanted to know. He had slept on those clean sheets when he had blacked out after the rape, but he couldn't even force himself to sit on the corner of his bed. His familiar bed… it wasn't his anymore, he dimly realized as he stood there and looked at it. All he could see was his grandfather's thrusting body and his own bloody one…

Shi shuddered violently and sat on his desk chair instead of his bed. He sat there in the dark, having not turned on his bedside lamp, though the street lamps outside lit his room dimly enough for him to see where he was going. He didn't know what was worse, the shadows that the light would set off, or the things he would remember if he could see every detail of his room, which had quickly become `enemy territory' to him. This place had always been his sanctuary, as a bedroom was to every child, but now… it smelled and was haunting and disturbing. He sat in the dark, watching the clock on his wall, his eyes following the second hand as it lethargically traveled, ticking down moment after moment. He waited, feeling like a doll left in an attic somewhere, still and lifeless.

Shi heard the car in the driveway and the front door open, his parents' familiar footsteps in the foyer, but only felt even more frozen, unable to even breathe. His desire to see them died in his chest, stillborn. He thought of his mother's kindness and his father's strength, this time in terror. How would he greet them? Would he tell them what happened? What would they think of him? And even worse… if he did tell… would his mother protect him against her own father? He was dirty now and he was petrified that she would stop loving him because of it, that she would be happy that it had been him, and not Eirie. He didn't want to believe that the mother he loved so much would betray him like that, but he couldn't see another possibility, unable to believe in the face of his filth that she would still love him.

In the end, it was his love for his mother, even though he was sure she would deny him, and his need to see his grandfather leave with his own eyes, that made him get off the chair and open his door, following his mother's voice to the kitchen. To Shi's excitement, his grandfather already had his jacket on and was saying his goodbyes. He was glad that the man was not going to linger.

“I'll see you next Saturday,” Cree was saying.

Shi's stomach fell to his toes.

“Shi,” his mother greeted with her usual bright smile.

“What does he mean next Saturday?” Shi asked, feeling frantic.

“Your grandpa is going to baby sit you guys next weekend, too, kiddo,” his father said, smiling like his mother was.

“But why?!” Shi demanded, “Why does he have to baby sit us?!”

“Honey…” Anjaleque gasped, shocked by his behavior and the strange, wild look in his eyes, a look that had never been there before. There was something different about him, something that terrified her, but she didn't even know what it was.

Cree lightly touched her shoulder.

“Don't be hard on the boy, Anna. He hasn't been feeling well tonight. He didn't even have any pizza,” Cree said, but he was looking at Shi instead of his daughter.

“Oh, sweetie,” Anjaleque's shock melted into concern, “What's wrong?”

“… My stomach hurts,” Shi murmured and it was the truth. The thought of his grandfather coming back in only one week made agony rip through his stomach.

“Well, I'll be off,” Cree said with a smile. He squeezed Shi's shoulder as he passed him, where he had grabbed him before, but Shi did not wince, though it hurt him. Shi could not tell if it was a silent warning or not, but he didn't care.

The three of them watched Cree go, Anjaleque waving and promising to call him. As Cree finally left the house, Shi watched him. His face was void of all feeling and he was frozen where he stood. The only indication that he felt anything at his grandfather's leaving was his right hand, which was curled into a tight fist.

Inside, however, was a different story. When the door closed behind the tall man, the steel bands around Shi's heart, which until then, had kept his feelings and vulnerabilities locked up tight, cracked and shattered. For the first time since his grandfather had made that deal with him, Shi felt tears truly threaten him.

Jonathan watched his son and frowned. The boy was so quiet, which wasn't normal for Shi, who was usually happy and chatty, and he looked pale. He worried that he might be coming down with something, something that might threaten young children like Shi and, especially, Eirie.

“Maybe you should go to bed,” he said kindly, “I'm sure your mom will make you some soup tomorrow, for your tummy.”

Shi nodded, but didn't say anything, which made Jonathan worry that he was in more pain than he was saying.

“I'll tuck you in,” Anjaleque said, but froze at the way that Shi looked at her.

“Don't,” he told her, “I can do it myself.”

She nodded hesitantly, feeling hurt at his brushing her off. She watched him as he went up the stairs to his room, walking slowly, as though he were carrying a heavy weight. Jonathan hugged her from behind, wrapping his arms around her waist.

“It's alright,” he soothed her, “All boys go through this phase. He isn't being cruel, he's just getting older and doesn't want to be treated like a baby anymore. And Shi's more mature than the other kids his age.”

Anjaleque sighed.

“I know. Shi's nine, not a little kid like Eirie is. I know I can't tuck him in and treat him like a child forever,” she said with a deep sadness, “I know he's growing up faster than the kids in his class, but I just wish I had more time, before he grows up too fast. I don't want him to leave his childhood behind so soon…”

Jonathan smiled, brushing his lips against her slender neck in a gentle kiss.

“It's not all that bad. You're not losing him. He's still Shi and he's starting to become a little adult. You've already told him about `love'. Before you know it, he'll be asking about the birds and the bees, too, and is that so bad? There's a whole other world of things we can share with him. I'll miss tucking him in, too, but you can't hold him back, love.”

“I know,” Anjaleque murmured, “I just… I feel like something is wrong.”

“It'll be fine,” he comforted, “We just need to get used to this new Shi, that's all.”

Anjaleque nodded, but couldn't shake her feelings.

 

*****

 

The second Shi closed his door, he sat in the corner between his bed and the far wall, hiding himself. He wrapped his arms around his knees, his stomach feeling like it was ripping itself apart. Guilt joined the pain and depression. Why had he told his mother not to tuck him in? He wanted her to… wanted to feel her touch and her kiss on his forehead, he wanted her to reassure him that he was safe under her care.

But, if he felt her touch on his dirty skin, he was sure he would break. If she touched him, he was sure that he would end up sobbing and if she saw that, she would get the truth out of him. Should he tell? Would it even make a difference? In the end, if he told, would he be putting Eirie in danger? Those questions were so painful, even more painful than telling his mother not to tuck him in out of fear of her ability to make him feel weak and loved.

Shi buried his face in his knees and felt his tears finally stream down his cheeks in such an incredible, violent torrent, he wondered if he could survive it. Even the possibility of his grandfather's threat… if he told, Cree would rape his gentle, baby brother to punish him. He couldn't let that happen. Even if he had to keep this secret for the rest of his life, for his brother, he would. Even if it hurt. Even if it killed him. He was breaking into little pieces. He felt isolated from his family. How could he talk to them, knowing what had happened earlier today? He felt like this… this alien thing that would be spotted and thrown out the second he showed his true colors. His grandfather had shown him, but he was still loved. It wasn't fair!

Shi had never been this weary in his entire life. He was so tired, but if he slept, would he dream? That thought scared him, that he might dream. But he needed sleep. Maybe, if he slept, the morning would come and everything would be better. He wiped at his face, rubbing his eyes, trying to get rid of the wetness that was making his heart feel thin and vulnerable. He climbed into his bed and lied down on his back, not even pulling the sheets over him or trying to close his eyes. Tears still poured down his face and his stomach churned unpleasantly, but he refused to sob, both because he was scared of his own sorrow, and because he was scared of someone hearing him. He felt like he was lying in filth and stink, the knowledge of what he and his grandfather had done on this bed gnawing at him.

Shi lied there for two hours. He did not close his eyes, let alone sleep. He had tried to close them, but had only become shockingly aware of shadows around him that did not exist, and heavy hands on his body that were not there. His tears had stopped, but he still felt like he was crying somehow. He bit at his lip, utterly frustrated by his inability to sleep and his exhaustion. With a snort of irritation, he rolled out of bed, pulling his sheets with him. He curled up on his hard floor and instantly felt more comfortable. As long as he wasn't lying on that damn bed.

He shivered as he wrapped his sheets around him. Could he sleep this way, night after night? He didn't want to be scared of his own bed! He didn't want to sleep on this cold floor, terrified of the shadows around him and under his bed. But he was so tired…

Shi finally managed to close his eyes and though shadows still threatened his thoughts, they weren't quite so solid, weren't quite so claw like. He kept his eyes closed firmly, refusing to open them until he had slept.

He managed an hour before he was shooting awake, covering his mouth to keep from screaming, his back and rear pounding in pain. He lied there for several minutes, looking up at the dark ceiling, his chest rising and falling rapidly as he panted. He couldn't remember what he had dreamed, but it had been something horrible. He stumbled to his feet, abandoning his nest of blankets like a fox kit leaving his den and shakily left his room.

His skin was covered with sweat and he was glad he had his t-shirt on, though he didn't kid himself into thinking he was sweaty because of the warm night. He just considered himself lucky that he hadn't tossed and turned so much that he had knocked his head against his bed's frame. It didn't make any sense to him, why he felt so weak and unbalanced. It was over, he told himself. But how he had felt then had carried over somehow, it hadn't gone away. Would he feel this way for the rest of his life? Maybe he would get used to it… but he wasn't sure if he really wanted to get used to it. He just wanted his old life back, but was lost as to how to get it back.

He opened his door as silently as he could as he crept into the hall. Eirie was usually a deep sleeper. His father often joked that he slept the sleep of the `innocent' and couldn't be woken up even if there was a flood. Shi had never understood what the sleep of the innocent was, but he did now. Eirie had nothing to worry about. To him, the world was perfect. To a little kid, having a loving family, a big brother to play with, and all the cookies you could eat, if Mother was willing, was heaven. Not too long ago, Shi had been just like him. Sure, he had been a little lonely, but mostly, he had been happy. Now, all he could think about was his doubts and he couldn't stop questioning all those little things that had made his life so happy and perfect. Namely, the love of his family and friend and what the future would be like for him, mostly the future of next weekend. Never before had he put such a stake in the future. He had always thought of it as something inevitable, but something he didn't really have to worry about. If anything bad did happen in the future, his parents would make sure everything would turn out all right. He had told himself that… but he now realized he could no longer believe in it and he missed that kind of… innocence.

Their father was only half right, though. When Eirie had a nightmare, he woke up at the drop of a pin. Shi wondered if there grandfather had caused his little brother to have any bad dreams, but the redhead had seemed ok with the man's presence towards the end, which had irked Shi more than just a little. It wasn't Eirie's fault, it was Cree's, for not showing the world who he really was.

Thankfully, their parents' bedroom door was open, so Shi didn't worry about waking Eirie with it. His little brother got adorably cranky if he woke up too many times during the night. Shi stood in the open doorway for a few minutes, hesitant to venture inside of the room. Why had he come here? He couldn't go back to sleep, he felt, but standing in the darkness wasn't making him feel any better. Oddly, the shadows out here didn't bother him like the ones in his room did.

Shi walked into the room, which was dimly lit, like his own, by the street lamps outside. He frowned and felt strangely disappointed when he found that both of his parents were deeply asleep. He felt… betrayed and wished that they would wake up, but was too scared to wake them himself. It puzzled him, the need to see them awake. Hadn't he been so mean to his mother and lied to her because he hadn't wanted to see her?

His mother was lying on her side facing him. For once, her long, beautiful hair was loose and spilled over her shoulder, over the bed. His father was curled up against her back, his arm around her waist and his head resting against her neck. The way they looked, snuggling against each other, made something in his chest hurt. They looked like the young couples on the TV. They looked like they loved each other. No, not just loved each other, but were in love with each other. That evidence of their love made the pain grow sharper and more real, even though Shi knew that it was not physical. He felt like he would start crying again, but forced them to stay deep inside his heart.

He wanted to tell them. He wanted to tell them all of it, about the darkness that his grandfather had awakened in him, about how scared he was and how much he hated… hated himself. He wanted to beg that all he had wanted was to protect Eirie, that was noble, right? So why did it hurt so much? They would still love him because he had saved Eir', right? Right? He wanted to say those things. His breath caught in his throat and he stood there in the dark, frozen, just like he had been ever since… that moment.

 

 

“Now, why don't we give the guy a break, for your mother's sake if nothing else.”

 

The pain in his chest exploded inside of him and he felt like it had moved up to his head as it started to throb. How could he have been thinking about telling his mother that her father had raped him and had threatened Eirie? His mother loved her father! And now they had made up after their fight and she was happy. There was no way that he was going to take that away from her. Not for anything in the world. If she found out… she would be devastated. And, after all this time of missing her daddy, would she even stay on his side about this, or would Cree lie and say that Shi was making it up? Wouldn't she want to believe him instead? And wouldn't she hate Shi for making up such a lie? In the end, he didn't think it mattered, he just couldn't hurt her. He now knew what it felt like to be betrayed and hurt by someone you were supposed to love. He would never do that to her.

“Shi, baby, what's wrong?” his mother's clear, worried voice roused Shi from his thoughts.

His mother's voice had also woken his father as she sat on the edge of the bed and he yawned widely. Shi immediately felt guilty for waking them up for nothing. He also immediately came up with a lie in his head, but paused. He had never lied to his parents before today. Whenever he got in trouble, he had never been able to lie about it, he had always confessed. When had it become so easy to lie to his parents? He had confirmed his grandfather's lie that he had a stomachache earlier so readily and now, he was ready to lie again, and for what? It only made him feel guilty and the lie hadn't made his parents any less worried about him.

“I had a bad dream,” he confessed in a small voice.

Anjaleque was opening her arms to him out of instinct before she even remembered the talk she and Jonathan had had about Shi growing up. To her surprise, he hugged her and buried his head in her stomach, already so tall at nine years old, she was sure he would be up to her chest in just a few years. She was scared to think of what would happen when he went through his first real growth spurt when he became a teenager. She smiled to herself as she realized how tightly her son was holding her, like his life depended on it. It reminded her of when he had been Eirie's age and he had hugged her the same way. It made her worry about him and his nightmare, but at the same time, she just felt so happy that he wasn't a rude, mature, avoiding teenager yet. Not so grownup, then.

She hugged him back, drawing him closer to her, and gently stroked his hair like she always did when he was distraught.

“It's ok, baby,” she soothed.

Shi closed his eyes as he could feel his mother's warmth all around him. He wouldn't cry, he told himself, but he could feel it in his chest and knew that, sooner or later, it was inevitable. Even if he was sick of crying like a dumb little kid. He felt his father's hand on his shoulder and for a moment, he was reminded of his grandfather's large hand, and how there were bruises on his hips in the shape of that hand. The thought was fleeting, but he immediately hated himself for even thinking that there could ever be a comparison between the two men. He looked up into his father's green eyes.

“I'll get you a glass of water,” he said in a tone filled with paternal love and left for the kitchen.

Shi sat beside his mother on the bed, blushing darkly as she hugged him to her side, but it had nothing to do with embarrassment. He loved them, both of them. He loved that his mother could hold him like this, not even annoyed that he had woken them up, and was willing to comfort him. He loved his father for trying to make things better. The love for them filled his heart with extreme heat and made his anxieties seem small and stupid. Would they really hate him just because he had tried to protect his brother? And yet… it was because he loved them so much that he could never say it, and his fears would not leave him. He couldn't risk it.

He knew now, with absolute clarity, that he would never tell his mother. Not ever. Because it would break her heart and he never wanted to be responsible for that. He felt broken, consumed by darkness and fear, but he would keep it locked up, deep inside his heart, even if his inability to ever release it was already making this strange… hurtful anger build up inside of him. There was no justice, no fairness. His grandfather had done something wrong, something evil, and he would never be punished for it. No, it was even worse than that. He would continue to do that evil thing to him, until he grew bored of it, over and over and over, and there was nothing anyone would do to stop him, let alone punish him for it.

Shi had lived his life, previously believing that there was a system of right and wrong in the world. Like most children, he had lived in a world that put bad guys in jail, while the heroes that put them there were graciously rewarded for their noble deeds. But not anymore. That world was long dead and sitting there, watching it die and crumble around him had awakened this strange rage in him, as though he felt affronted that no one had bothered to tell him that such a world could exist. Could he even survive here? He wasn't sure he wanted to find out.

Shi finished the glass of water that his father gave him, and it did help a little. He made to go back to his room, back to bed, but didn't. It was almost like a magnetic pull, but he would have gone to his little brother's room, even if there hadn't been. He needed to see him, to make sure he was safe. He knew that he was, he had been the one to tuck him in again, but he suddenly needed to be with him.

Sure enough, Eirie was still fast asleep, Mr. Jellybean clutched in one little hand. Shi got into the bed with him, like he often did when Eirie had nightmares, though this time, it had been him who had had the bad dream. He hugged Eirie tightly to him and his little brother made a cute, little whining noise, but snuggled up to him. His little body was warm, comforting, and familiar. Most all, it was safe. The realization of that made his tears finally burst out of him. As long as Eirie was safe, he could survive anything. Even this.

It was Shi's sobs that woke Eirie up. He blinked his violet eyes in the room that was dimly lit by his nightlight and looked up at his brother, whose face was contorted in deep sorrow that sent Eirie into a panic. His brother didn't cry. This wasn't right. He wrapped his arms around Shi's neck.

“Shi, what's wrong?” he asked frantically.

Shi's red eyes were even redder after crying so hard. He hugged Eirie tighter, but made sure that he could not possibly hurt him.

“It's just a bad dream,” he murmured to the little redhead, “Everything will be better in the morning.”

Eirie settled, not realizing that Shi had been talking to himself.

 

*****

 

“Are you ok?” Vel asked as the two of them ate their lunch together Monday in the school's cafeteria.

Shi nodded, but didn't say anything. Vel frowned at him. His best friend had been acting strangely ever since this morning. He hardly spoke, which was weird for Shi, who always said hi first, and he wasn't even eating his lunch. Their seemed to be a dark cloud that followed him everywhere and Vel really didn't like the weird look in Shi's eyes. He couldn't help but be worried about him. For some reason, the sad expression on the other blonde's face made Vel's stomach twist into knots.

“Are you still sick?” he tried to get Shi to talk to him. He remembered how his supposed grandfather had answered the phone on Friday and how suspicious he had been. He had talked to Shi hours before, so how could he have been too sick to answer the phone? But Shi was still acting like he wasn't feeling well, so maybe it had been that bad.

Shi shook his head again.

“I'm fine,” he murmured, “I'm just tired.”

He didn't tell Vel that he had spent the entire weekend tossing and turning on his bedroom floor, unable to sleep because of nightmares and his fears. He was just so happy, being with his friend. It was giving him all the contrast he needed between the old world and this new one he had found himself in. Vel still cared for him… his brother was safe… his family was still intact… these were the only things that mattered to him anymore.

But it was so hard concentrating during school and trying to pretend that everything was fine, that it was just like it had always been. Being around his brother had helped, the proof that he had done well, and his smiles had always made Shi smile, even if he felt like he had nothing to smile about. Going to school had been much harder than dealing with his family. Just seeing Vel again, knowing what he had done that Friday night and feeling dirty and ashamed, had been painful, but also wonderful, because Vel had somehow managed to make some of the darkness go away just by being there. Once again, he wondered if he could survive these strange feelings. He didn't even feel like eating. It was actually a massive relief to be at school, so he didn't have to force himself to eat.

All he could think about was how many days, how many hours, how minutes, how many seconds before he had to see his grandfather again. He told himself that it was just exhaustion. He had slept about ten hours between Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and he was starting to feel like he was on some terrible rollercoaster that would never stop. He felt sick to his stomach all the time. When he was at home, he forced himself to eat because he didn't want his parents to think that there was something wrong with him, but he felt so horribly sick afterwards. The only thing that didn't make him feel that way was water. So, he drank and drank and drank, to try to fool himself that he was putting something inside of him that would make him less hungry.

He felt angry all the time now, too. When he was around his family, it wasn't so bad, just a dull roar inside of him, but when he had gone to school, it had awoken in him, like a ferocious beast. Every look from his peers had sent waves of it through his heart and he had wanted to hurt them, to put them in their place so they wouldn't look at him anymore! He hated this new part of himself. He didn't want to hurt anyone, right? He wasn't that kind of person… but now… he just felt this rage inside…

Shi got up to dump his lunch into the trash and bumped into another boy.

“Watch where you're going, blondie!” the boy jeered at him and strode off.

Shi's hand curled into a fist and his anger was so great, his entire arm shook with it. He was suddenly overcome with the desire to chase after the boy and beat him to a pulp. It was only Vel's hand suddenly on his arm that stopped him from doing it. And suddenly, just like that, the worst of the anger started to ebb off at his friend's presence.

“Shi, it's ok,” Vel insisted, scared by the sudden emotion in Shi's eyes, that had seemed so dark only a few seconds ago. But once that fiery emotion was gone and the darkness came back in them, Vel found that he was actually more scared by the darkness than the anger. Why was Shi so sad? He couldn't figure out why he had that look.

“Thank you,” Shi said and for a moment, Vel thought that the old Shi was back, even if he couldn't figure out why Shi was thanking him.

They left the cafeteria with Shi thinking about his shaking fist and the clock in his head that was still ticking down the seconds until Saturday.

 

*****

 

When Saturday finally did arrive, Shi was such a mass of nerves, he couldn't eat or sleep, even drinking didn't help it. That week had been bad enough. He had failed his math test on Friday because he had been too anxious about the weekend to study or sleep. His dad had been upset, but to Shi's surprise, he hadn't yelled at him, he was just worried that Shi was coming down with something serious. His mother had wanted to take him to the doctor's, but his father had wanted to wait until he was sure Shi was getting sick. Shi was glad. He didn't want some strange man poking and prodding him. Doctor's visits had been unpleasant in the past, but now… he didn't know if he could sit through one anymore. He just couldn't go through the motions of class anymore, his mind distant and unfocused. Vel knew there was something wrong, Shi realized, but his concern only made him happy. He thought that, if he lost his friend now, he might break even more than he already had.

Saturday greeted him with intense nausea and a strange chill that Shi knew had nothing to do with any illness. His body shook as he lied on his bedroom floor, thinking of all the things his grandfather was going to do to him when he came. His heart pounded violently even as he lied perfectly still. When he finally got up that morning, it was to vomit. His dad had heard him and, to Shi's immense relief, had decided that he and Anjaleque would stay home, worried about him. That relief had shattered when Anjaleque had welcomed Cree into the house anyway, saying that they could stay home together. To Shi's surprise, his grandfather hadn't seemed at all put off by this, which confused him. Had his promise that they would do this more than once been a bluff? Hope crawled sneakily into his heart and died when his grandfather suggested taking him and Eirie outside for a little fresh air.

It had been warm that day, so when their grandfather told Eirie to stay by the swings while he and Shi talked privately, Eirie had been happy just to swing and play in their back yard. Shi had known what was going to happen even before Cree had led him to the shed where his father had the yard tools. Cree had locked the door behind them and Shi's private hell had repeated itself. Well, it wasn't quite a repeat. This time, Cree had used more of the slippery stuff and he hadn't bled like he had the first time, but it had still hurt.

When they had finished and Eirie had greeted them by the swing set, Shi had thought that he would burst into tears, but he was used to pushing them down by then. They had gone inside and Shi had immediately found himself in the bathroom again, dry heaving. His mother had been alarmed by this and had tucked him into bed, his grandfather leaving early. For the first time since he had been Eirie's age, she had sung him to sleep and for the first time in over a week, he slept in his bed. It was inevitable, his subconscious had finally realized, and he had to get used to sleeping in this bed or he would probably go insane from fear and lack of sleep. It was a good thing to start sleeping there, anyway. Sooner or later, his mother was going to find out, he realized, and he didn't want her to stop tucking him in at night just because he was scared of her finding out that he was sleeping on the floor. When he woke Sunday, he learned that Cree would likely be visiting every weekend. This time, instead of the violent reaction of that week, he just felt numb again and accepted it.

It had almost made him laugh. He was in hell and he had better get used to it, because things wouldn't ever get better. Then, after much begging and pleading from Shi to his mother who thought he had the flu, Vel visited to play and Shi grabbed his light through the dark clouds that was his new life, thinking that without him, he would lose his mind. By Monday, the residual nausea of being in a state of fear for so long had finally worn off, but school wasn't any better than staying at home. His hell followed him wherever he went now. There was no stopping it.

He went to Math on Monday and found that his father had called his teacher and had explained Shi's illness to him. His teacher was willing to let him make it up and Shi vowed that, this time, he would try as hard as he could, so his dad would be proud of him. What unsettled Shi more than the dark feelings that his grandfather had awoken in him was the fact that, as the days passed him by, he was starting to see what had happened as less shocking and more… a part of his life. You weren't supposed to feel that way, were you? But he did. He still had nightmares, but they weren't as vivid. Damn, but… he was getting used to all of it.

The only thing he wasn't getting used to was the anger. It wasn't bad at all when Vel was around, but sometimes, the feeling took him completely by surprise. Still, he was able to smile now, and that went a long way to keep Vel from asking Shi questions that he was neither ready to tell the truth about, or lie about. He didn't realize that Vel was still worried about him, though that feeling faded a little when Shi sat down at lunch with him and ate his food, unlike last week.

“You want to hang out Friday?” Vel asked as he undid the top of his pudding cup. Well, it was really Shi's pudding cup, but Shi had gotten so frustrated with Vel's poor quality lunch, he had begged his mom to give him two of them and she had conceded.

Shi nodded his head vigorously. A day with Vel was exactly what he needed.

“How about a sleep over at your house?” Vel suggested.

He would never admit it out loud, but Vel hated his home. Nothing had changed since they had first moved there. His mother still wouldn't talk to him unless he did something that she found immoral. The only time they were ever physically close to each other was when they were sitting at the pews in church. His mom dragged them there all the time, at least four times a week. She made Vel go to confession while she taught Taka how to pray `properly'. When he was forced to walk down those long rows up to the booth, and was affectively trapped in the small box, he would look back and see her holding Taka's hands together, them smiling at each other, and feel a terrible bitterness inside.

She was punishing him and rewarding Taka, he had realized on night. He had to confess sins he had never even committed while his brother got to ask God for things, like they were good friends. When he told the priest on the other side of the booth that he didn't have any sins to confess, he was always scolded for lying and in the end, would just lie about stealing and swearing so he could leave the claustrophobic cage. At the end of these sessions, Vel would think that, if this was what religion was about, then he hated God. He would then swiftly pinch his arm so hard, he would end up bleeding, because his mother told him that turning ones back on God was the worst sin of all, and such thoughts were evil. He didn't want to be evil. More than that, he didn't want his mother to think he was evil.

She hated him and he knew that, so he would do anything for her to make her love him again. He sat quietly in church and thought of time when she had loved him instead of thinking about how great God was. Was that a sin, too? He couldn't keep track of all the things that were sins and things that were good. It even seemed like one thing could be both good and evil at the same time. It just made his head hurt, but his mother loved going to church and talking about God's greatness, so he went without comment.

Going to Shi's house was the most wonderful thing in the world. There were no crosses, no mothers with cold looks, or little brothers who were lavished upon while he was expected to always be loving and protective of him. Shi's mother was always kind to him and kissed him on the cheek and made his favorite foods, even if her own children didn't like them as much. Why couldn't he have a mother like that? That was all he wanted, a mother who loved him, a father that would look at him like Shi's father looked at his sons. Oh, but he wasn't jealous of Shi. He loved him too much to ever be jealous of him. You weren't supposed to be jealous of your friends anyway. He was pretty sure that that was a sin, too.

“No!” Shi shouted.

Vel stared at him with wide eyes. Shi loved it when he slept over. Of course, Shi was acting so weird lately… it hurt him to realize that whatever was going on, Shi wasn't telling him. Yeah, that hurt, considering that Shi told him everything and never lied.

“What I mean is,” Shi immediately back pedaled, his heart pounding at the thought of Vel meeting his grandfather face to face, “My grandfather is coming over Saturday, so you can sleep over Saturday night when he leaves, but not Friday. He'll probably show up Saturday afternoon.”

Vel sighed at the explanation.

“Your grandfather visits an awful lot, doesn't he?” he asked.

His relatives never visited, but even if they did, they wouldn't visit three weekends in a row. Shi shrugged at the comment.

“You don't like him very much do you? Why not?” Vel questioned.

Shi didn't like talking about his grandfather, so Vel knew that he was poking the bear with a sharp stick, but he was genuinely curious. Shi didn't like his Aunt Ursula, either, but he had never been shy about letting Vel knowing what it was about her that he found so irritating.

“He's a jerk,” Shi answered tersely.

“A jerk?” Vel raised one white-blonde eyebrow, “But he seemed so nice on the phone…”

“Well, he's not,” Shi snapped, “He's mean.”

“Ok, he's mean. Why don't you just tell your mom not to let him come around again if he's mean to you?” Vel left it at that.

If Shi said that his grandfather was mean, then he was mean, that was all there was to it. Shi stared at him in shock.

“You believe me?” he whispered.

Shi's voice was so small and in awe that Vel found himself starting back, shocked at the change in his best friend. He nodded slowly.

“Of course I believe you, why would you lie?” he pointed out.

Shi swallowed roughly. He had been so scared of no one believing him if he said anything bad about his grandfather, he had never considered that someone, especially Vel, would believe him.

“She loves him,” he said meekly, “I mean, that's her daddy, so of course she loves him. I can't hurt her like that.”

“I guess not,” Vel mused.

He had the same problem. He thought that his mother would feel a lot better if she started dating again. If she found someone to love, she would stop obsessing about his father, he was sure of that. But he also knew that, if he brought up the subject, it would just hurt her, and he didn't want to do that.

“Hey, you wanna see a picture my little brother drew?” Shi suddenly asked excitedly.

He was so sick of all these depressing things. He didn't want to think or talk about his grandfather anymore. Vel nodded and Shi took a piece of paper out of his book bag that had been packaged with care. Vel stared at it in surprise.

“This is beautiful,” he murmured.

On the paper, Eirie had drawn the field behind their house in perfect detail and vibrant color. Well, as perfect detail as a four year old could manage, but it was done much better than other four year olds could have drawn it. The hundreds of butterflies fluttering above the high grass were also done in excruciating detail that made Vel truly appreciate the care and beauty that had been put into it.

“Isn't it?” Shi said with a big grin, “He's going to be big one day! I mean, he's always drawing, but when he really puts effort into it, it's amazing. I wish I had a talent like that.”

Vel smirked.

“You'll find a talent one day,” he said.

Shi snorted.

“Yeah, right. I'm not smart or talented in anything. So I can play sports ok, so what? I don't want to be a stupid jock,” he pouted.

Vel laughed.

“Shi, there are kids twice my age who would kill to be a jock. High school sports are serious business. You could get a scholarship or something…” he tried to point out.

“I don't care,” Shi protested, “Sports are pointless. Who cares if you score a goal? Sure, winning is nice, but it's not important. But Eirie's drawings… he could be in a gallery when he's grown up. He could really make people feel things! Art is more important.”

“Hey what's this?” a snide voice came from behind Vel and the picture was plucked from his fingers.

“Hey, give it back!” Vel demanded, whirling in his seat.

The boy that he had had a confrontation with weeks ago about his relationship with Vel was standing there, the picture clutched in his hand and a superior smirk on his face. Shi got to his feet, his rage awakening and hissing.

“Give it back,” he growled, storming up to the boy, “That's my brother's, so you'd better give it back!”

The boy cruelly waved the drawing at him.

“Oh, poor baby. Did I steal your beloved brother's pretty picture? If you love him so much, why don't you marry him? Though, I guess your wedding night would be pretty sick!” the boy shoved Shi back.

The rage came full force, in a way that he hadn't felt since the night Cree had raped him. He had had plenty of fights in the last two weeks, so bitter and angry about his fate, he no longer was able to control his feelings, but he had never before wanted to hurt someone so much as this boy.

 

“I thought I made things clear, either I do this to you… or your brother.”

 

 

Shi didn't even realize that he wasn't breathing anymore, his heart racing wildly in his chest. He… he wasn't like his grandfather, was he? They were related by blood, so there, inevitably, were things that were alike about them, and that sickened Shi thoroughly. Were they alike in… that, too? Was that what this boy was implying? That he loved his little brother so much that he wanted to have sex with him? Was that why his grandfather had done it? Because he loved him so much?

It ate at his heart. This boy didn't know the lengths he had gone to protect the little brother that he loved. He didn't know how hellish school was for him, not just because he couldn't concentrate or that he was jealous of his classmates, who had remained the same, unchanged. He couldn't concentrate, not because of his nightmares, though that was a small part of it, but because of his intense fear of his grandfather coming after Eirie while he was at school. He couldn't stop thinking of that, hating school because he couldn't be there to protect his brother. He counted down the seconds when he could see his brother again, when he had to see his grandfather again, when he could see Vel… he was always counting down time, hoping that the unpleasant moments would just pass him by. So how dare this boy assume to know anything?! He was hurting… always hurting… and he was so sick of it… why couldn't someone else be in pain?

The boy was falling backwards to the floor before Shi had even realized he had punched him in the face. Blood poured out of the boy's nose and he curled up on the ground, crying over the force and pain of the blow. Both Shi and Vel were in shock over it. Shi saw the blood and felt panic wrap over his heart. He had punched him. Not just a little tap, either, but he might have broken the other boy's nose. He had… struck someone. He was no better than his grandfather…

“Shi, breathe,” Vel ordered and Shi realized that he had grabbed him by the arms.

“Matthews, principal's office!” a nearby teacher screamed as he ran over to tend with the fallen boy.

Shi stared there in shock, hating himself, but rage still curled and slithered in him. It told him to make another boy at the boy for his slight, to kick him until his ribs broke and he was smeared with blood…

Bile rose in his throat. What was happening to him? He wasn't like this and yet… and yet… it had felt so good. For once, someone else was hurting and it wasn't him. He felt happy, having taken his revenge, and sick at the same time.

“Matthews, now!” the teacher yelled.

“Shi, c'mon,” Vel pulled Shi away.

 

*****

 

Shi sat outside of the principal's office on one of the uncomfortable chairs as the principal talked to several witnesses to his assault. The man had already questioned him, as well as scolding him harshly for punching the other boy. He stared at his shoelaces. Vel was in there, too, but Shi couldn't hear what they were talking about, he could only guess. He was going to be expelled, he just knew it. His parents were going to be so disappointed with him and Vel… Vel had to hate him, be embarrassed by him. Would he not want to be friends anymore?

Anxiety tore through him, replacing his anger. He hadn't meant to hit him… but he had. There was still that feeling of triumph in him that he hated, but the violence had felt so good, and that scared him. The door to the hallway swung open and Shi looked up, paling when he saw his mother and father, with Eirie in tow, walking towards him.

“Dad…” he started, but found that he had nothing to say.

Sorry didn't seem to be good enough. He was suddenly terrified of his father's disappointment in him. He couldn't bear to lose his love. Eirie didn't seem to realize that something bad was happening and jumped onto Shi's lap.

“Hi, Shi!” he cheered.

Shi watched his parents as they went to the door. His father had a strange look to him and Shi felt his heart sink. Then, his mother smiled at him and it lifted again. Wasn't she supposed to be angry at him?

“We'll talk to you as soon as we're done,” his father said, but there was no anger in his voice.

Shi's eyes followed them as they disappeared inside the office. His eyes then met Eirie's and he hugged him, not sure what to think or feel about all of this.

 

*****

 

Anjaleque and Jonathan sat silently next to each other in the principal's office as the man explained the situation to them. Vel sat on another chair, looking massively uncomfortable. Anjaleque fidgeted as the principal told her that her child had hit a classmate.

“I'm sorry, but I just can't believe that Shi hit someone without… some kind of reason!” she protested the principal's interpretation of her son as some kind of bully.

The principal snorted at her naiveté.

“Mrs. Matthews, I know this is shocking, but other boys witnessed the fight. Your son brutalized another classmate, not in self defense, but for the pleasure of it! I'm afraid expulsion is the best action-,”

“That's far too harsh,” Jonathan said coolly, “Shi has never done anything like this before, there is no reason to expel him.”

“I've talked to several boys about the fight,” the principal protested, “He had no reason for doing it. I can't have someone like that at my school. Your child is a loose cannon!”

“He took Eirie's picture,” Vel murmured, his shy voice breaking through the tense atmosphere of the room.

“Excuse me?” the principal asked in a bored tone.

Vel looked at him, pushing past his shyness for his best friend's sake.

“He took the picture that Eirie drew from Shi. Shi tried to get it back, but the boy, he said… he said something nasty to him, about taking his little brother as a lover and Shi hit him.”

“The other boys never said anything about that,” the principal said skeptically.

“That's because those boys hate Shi,” Vel snapped at him, anger making him bold, “If you knew anything about him before you condemned him, you'd know that everyone in this stupid school except for me hates him!”

Anjaleque paled at this bit of news.

“Is he being bullied?” she asked in shock.

She knew that Shi only had Vel for a friend, but she had never considered that his classmates might actually not like him. Vel shook his head, making Anjaleque feel only a small bit of relief.

“No, but they aren't nice to him, either. Or me, because of our eyes… I'd fought with that boy before, he's in my grade, that's why he picked on Shi today,” Vel informed them.

“And you think that makes it right that your friend hit another classmate?” the principal asked, calming down in the face of these new facts.

Vel shook his head.

“No, but Shi doesn't think it was right, either. You didn't see him afterwards,” Vel told him, “He was so shocked by what he had done. If you're trying to teach him a lesson, or protect the other students, well, he's already feeling guilty over it and he won't do that again. I've known him for years and I know when he's learned a lesson.”

The principal seemed to think over what Vel was saying and sighed heavily, wiping a hand over his face.

“He's been confrontational lately,” Vel continued to try to convince the man, “I think there's something wrong with him. I'm not saying that's an excuse, but expelling him isn't going to help him.”

“So you noticed it, too?” Jonathan mused, almost to himself.

“Vel, you're absolutely sure about this?” Anjaleque asked, thinking about her own observations of her child's behavior.

Vel nodded.

“He was his old self last Friday,” he told her, “But after that… he's just been so tense and quiet lately. His head's been in the clouds, too. He's just… not like he usually is.”

“Has he gotten into a lot of fights lately?” Jonathan asked.

Vel looked over at the principal nervously, not wanting to lie to his friend's father, but not wanting to make things worse for Shi, either.

“Yeah, but nothing like this,” he tried to explain, “I mean, he's just yelled and acted really, I don't know, edgy or something. But he's never let people bother him before like he does now.”

Anjaleque bit her lip and wondered how all of this could have gotten past her. Yes, she had known that there was something… different about Shi, but she had just attributed it to him growing up, not to something that might be abnormal or bad. But if Vel said that there was something wrong with Shi, she had to trust his judgment. She knew that parents only saw a part of their children and the rest belonged to their friends. She had been the same way growing up. It worried her, that Shi could do something like this. She was supposed to be angry at him, but she wasn't.

She could understand why someone would have hit the boy for what he had said, she just couldn't understand why Shi had done it. What Vel had said was true, Shi was usually very gentle and kind. Sure, he had his temper tantrums and got frustrated easily, but she had never seen him be violent before and this… incident scared her. She was just worried about him, not mad. Maybe it was because she was his mother, but she wasn't even sure if she should punish him for this. Shi knew that what he had done was wrong and he was probably confused and hurting… there was something in her heart that was telling her that punishing him for this was not the right thing to do.

She looked out the tiny window to the waiting area and saw Shi, tickling Eirie, the both of them having bright smiles. She smiled, too. Whatever was bothering Shi, he acted like his old self when he was around his baby brother. Maybe that was why she hadn't noticed his behavior while to Vel, it had been obvious.

Anjaleque looked over at her husband and saw the same conviction in her husband's eyes. They needed to talk to Shi about this, not yell or ground him for what he had done. Maybe they would have to, but not until she was sure that there wasn't something deeper going on with him.

“I'm not a counselor,” the principal told them, “But I suggest you take Shi to see one. In the meantime…” he sighed again. Jonathan thought the man had a habit of doing that when he was frustrated or confused, “I won't expel him, but you do realize that this is a serious matter?”

Shi's parents nodded in agreement.

“I have to give him two days' suspension. He attacked another student. Regardless of his motives, he has to learn that violence is not acceptable here. That's as lenient as I can be. I highly suggest you sort out whatever problems he's having before he comes back,” the man advised.

“Thank you,” Shi's father said in gratitude, relieved, not for his sake, but Shi's.

Vel released the heavy breath he had been holding in and collected his things, leaving the office. Shi was still sitting on the chairs outside of the office and was playing with his little brother. Seeing the two interact with each other made Vel smile despite the tense feeling he had had in the principal's office. Even before the divorce, he and Taka had never had a relationship like Shi and Eirie did. They truly loved each other. Vel believed that, if the same thing had happened to Shi's family, Shi would continue to love his baby brother, just as much as he did now. But such a thing would never happen to Shi's parents. They loved each other too much.

He was just a bystander, an outsider, but Vel saw the proof of their love every time he visited Shi's home. His own father had been distant from his mother and she had been lonely. Now, she called her actions weak and evil, but Vel easily understood why she had had the affair. If you were lonely enough to do something like that, it had to be pretty painful. He should hate her for driving apart their family and he did want to hate her, but she was still his mother and he knew that he loved her. He even wanted the relationship Shi had with Eirie with his own little brother, but being around Taka hurt too much.

Shi looked up as Vel approached him, moving Eirie from his lap to the chair next to his. Eirie pouted a little, but took the sudden lack of attention well, staying quiet as Shi regarded his best friend with hesitance, his eyes sad and pensive.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Shi asked in a small voice that didn't suit him.

The question reminded Vel of the incident a few weeks ago, when Shi had thought he had hated him when Vel had only been preoccupied with his father's visit. He snorted, dismissing Shi's anxieties.

“Don't be stupid,” he said, “I mean, if was pretty amazing. You knocked out a kid three grades above you with one hit! People'll be talking about it for weeks.”

The silly thing was, Vel did think it was impressive. He hadn't said it to the principal, in fact, he had no plans of telling anyone about his feelings except for Shi. Shi wasn't a tiny, little kid, but he wasn't huge, either, just tall, yet he had broken the boy's nose in a single punch. Of course, Shi shouldn't have hit him in the first place, Vel agreed with the principal on that and his anger had scared Vel, but it had also been a little bit cool to watch, like a movie where the shy kid who was always bullied stood up to the mean kids and actually won. It was a scenario he had fantasized doing himself, but Shi had actually done it!

Vel hadn't told Shi about it, but he was already a little bit of a legend among the younger kids. Shi Matthews, the nine year old who had knocked out a renowned twelve year old bully with one blow. It was the sort of story that little kids, especially ones that were used to being picked on by the older ones, latched onto gleefully. Of course, this story wouldn't make Shi any friends. If anything, it would fuel the rumors that Shi was aggressive and scary, which wasn't fair. Vel didn't really care beyond the fact that Shi didn't deserve that, he knew that Shi wasn't like that at all. It was true that he had been tense and argumentative lately, but Vel was sure that if that boy hadn't said that nasty thing about Eirie, Shi never would have punched him.

“It wasn't cool,” Shi murmured, “It was just scary. Scary and wrong.”

Vel was taken aback by his ashamed tone and tried to put himself in Shi's place. To have done that much damage in a moment of brief anger, with only one hit… he probably would have been scared, too.

“Shi, it's not like that,” he tried to comfort his friend, sitting down in the other chair that was next to him.

Shi blushed, which only confused Vel.

“You aren't a bully,” Vel pointed out, “That kid was, though. You know that. Remember a couple of weeks ago? He was always doing stuff like that, and not just to me.”

“But I didn't mean to hit him,” Shi protested, “I was just so angry… I didn't even know what I was doing until he was on the ground, crying. And there was all that blood… how could I do something like that? How can anyone not even know what they're doing, have no… control… What if I do it again and I can't even stop it?”

Shi's voice got a horrified tone to it and Vel panicked at the sound of it. He grabbed Shi's arms, forcing the other boy to look at him.

“You aren't like that! Everyone gets angry, everyone does things that they regret, that doesn't make you a monster. You're sorry for what you did and that makes a huge difference. You might get angry again… but this time, I know you'll hesitate. You won't do the same thing twice because you get that what happened is wrong. Do you get it? Besides, you've got me watching your back,” Vel pointed out.

Shi's look turned hopeful.

“Then… you're not scared of me?” he asked.

Everyone else was scared of him, had been long before now, just because of how he looked, so why wasn't Vel? Vel shook his head.

“No. Never. There is nothing you can do that will ever make me hate you or be scared of you,” he said with conviction, “And you'll make sure that I won't do something like this again?” the darker blonde asked.

“I promise,” Vel vowed.

The door to the principal's office opened and Shi's parents came out. She tensed. He waited for his father to yell at him, for his mother to look at him in disappointment. His mother walked up to him and, to Shi's shock, she was smiling. That smile told him all that he needed to know. He was forgive, at least to the point that his parents didn't hate him. He still expected to be punished, though.

“Ready to go home?” she asked.

Shi nodded. He had been ready to go home from the moment that boy had opened his stupid mouth. He was a bit scared of the talk with his parents that was inevitable, but right now, he would rather be anywhere than school.

“We'll drive you home, too, Vel,” his father offered and Vel nodded in gratitude.

“Thank you, sir,” he said.

Jonathan chuckled, always amused at Vel's respectful attitude towards him.

Jonathan brushed his hand over Vel's silken hair and Vel blushed darkly. The affectionate gesture filled his heart with warmth at the same time that it caused him a deep pain, reminding him of his own father for a brief moment. Shi hopped off the chair, helping Eirie off his. His mother offered Shi her hand to hold. She didn't expect him to hold it. Maybe if he had been Eirie's age, but no nine year old boy wanted to be seen holding his mother's hand by his classmates. To her surprise, he took her hand without any hesitation. Feeling his hand in hers, she still couldn't believe that this affectionate boy had done what everyone had said he had done.

 

 

End Part 3