Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Poisoned Memories: Ghost and Shadows ❯ Part 5 ( Chapter 5 )

Poisoned Memories

 

 

I'd like to thank wind dancer1981, djargo, and lufeca for reviewing.

 

Djargo: Thanks for the review. You're very right in assuming that Cree probably did what he did to Shi to Odin, that was my intention, but since we're learning about all this from Anjaleque, I didn't want to come out and say it. I love perceptive readers ^_^

 

Part 5

 

Weren't things supposed to change? It was easy for Shi to think that as he leaned against a tree, waiting for his little brother to get out of preschool so they could walk home together, something that Shi had been doing ever since Eirie had started school. It hadn't been very long, not long enough for the season to change quite yet, anyway. It was late fall, not yet winter, though it sure seemed like it with how cold it was and all the leaves fallen dead on the ground. Only a year had passed since he had met his grandfather, a little more than that, actually. He and his family had seen two summers since that day. It would be two years this spring. He didn't know why that night when he had lost his virginity seemed to need an anniversary, but he had thought of it that way this previous spring, only a month and a half after he had turned ten. “It's been one year,” he had thought and had felt an unfathomable emptiness inside of him.

Back then, even though a great deal of time had passed, Shi had thought his lie would be like winter, everything dead and dark for a long time but, inevitably, the spring would come and everything would change. By last spring, when he had realized the day and month, he had wondered if such a thing would ever happen, or if everything would remain exactly the same, regardless of how much time passed. Sure, some things had changed; Shi had completed two grades and was now in the fifth, which meant he only had three more grades before he got to go to high school. Vel was thirteen and he only had this year before he left his best friend behind in middle school.

Shi still hadn't given that much thought, not wanting to not see Vel in school for three years, but it was also one of those things that couldn't be stopped. Eirie had just turned five that spring and, after a lengthy discussion on the subject, their parents had decided to send him to preschool. Shi thought that preschool was little more than a glorified babysitting service, but Eirie loved it there, and that was all that mattered. Shi's biggest wish was for Eirie to make some friends there, so his early school years wouldn't be like Shi's had been. He doubted another miracle, like Vel moving to their town, would occur for his brother. He really had been blessed with Vel's move, but Eirie was so shy, Shi didn't think he would make friends easily.

Taka and Eirie, unfortunately, had never really connected like Vel and Shi had, but Eirie seemed perfectly happy to just hand out with his big brother and his brother's best friend. Shi worried that he was keeping his baby brother from trying to make new friends, but he was just as worried of Eirie getting a friend that would hurt their own relationship. Was it selfish that, after all that he had suffered, he was happy to have Eirie all to himself?

While it was true that a few things had changed, mostly, things had stayed exactly the same. He and Vel were still best friends. If Shi thought about that night a year ago, when he and Vel had shared each other's very first kiss, he thought that their continued friendship, which was stronger than ever, was pretty miraculous. After the nice, cozy feelings had passed, that night Shi had lied awake in his bed, wondering if he had done the right thing. They had spent the rest of that night talking about how the other made him feel, trying to get everything out in the open.

Maybe that was why it was hard to understand why Shi hadn't told Vel about his grandfather. It felt weirder not telling the truth to his only friend than his parents, but he was just too embarrassed about it. Though Vel had said that he loved him, something that Shi still had a hard time with, when the morning had come, Shi had been so sure that Vel would take it all back. He hadn't. What was more, before they had gone down to breakfast, Vel had kissed him in such an adorable shyness, Shi's heart had burst into flames.

He still did that, kissing Vel. His mother had been the one to tell him about guys liking other guys, but he was still nervous about her finding out about this new change in their relationship. He wasn't sure he could make her understand it. He could barely understand it himself. His feelings for his best friend had existed long before he had met his grandfather, but what Cree had done to him had awoken in him a deep desperation for his Vel, for his touch, his affection, and his acceptance. How could he tell his mother how happy Vel's kisses made him without explaining why he had been so miserable before then? He just didn't want to lose this… whatever it was between them, even if it meant he had to hide it from his mother. It wasn't that big of a deal, really. He was hiding his deal with Cree from her, too. He wondered which secret she would be more pissed about. But… if he told her how much in love with Vel he was, would she really be mad?

That was something that hadn't changed, either, his love for Vel. But that only made the other things that had stayed the same seem cruel. He knew you could fall out of love with a person, but when he looked at Vel, he thought a hundred years could pass and he would still love him as much as he did now. That feeling made it hurt sometimes, knowing that that other thing hadn't changed, either. His grandfather was still having sex with him. Every Saturday he came by, just like always, like it was some sort of twisted ritual for him, like going to church was for Shi's family. Neither of his parents seemed to be suspicious of why Cree was adamant on visiting once a week and Shi supposed that was sort of a victory that he could keep a secret that big, but it only made him feel ashamed and depressed.

Cree's constant presence in his life made Shi wonder if it would ever change, if one day, he would turn around to find his grandfather had stopped haunting his shadow, or if this deal of theirs would go on forever. He was old enough to know that fifty wasn't very old, but his grandfather wasn't immortal. Still, his death seemed an awfully long way away. He supposed that he was a pretty big coward if he would rather wait for his grandfather to die instead of try to fight against him in anyway. It just made him hate himself all the more. He just couldn't make himself believe that their… relationship was endless. It couldn't be… he had to believe that it would end, and soon, or he would probably go insane. As it was, if it weren't for his family and Vel, he already would be.

Maybe that was why he was so protective of Eirie. He still loved him to pieces and like his love fore Vel, Shi's love for his little brother was as powerful as always, it had only grown with time. Every time he saw Eirie smile at him, his violet eyes full of childish innocence, Shi felt this incredible need to protect him and he never once regretted his choice. He hated that choice but he didn't regret it. He wanted to protect Eirie, even if that meant he had to let his grandfather have sex with him for the rest of their lives. He could handle the darkness the sex brought, but he could never handle the feeling that he had let Eirie down.

Shi stared down at the watch he wore on his right wrist and sighed in impatience. The watch was a cheap, little thing, but Shi wore it all the time and cherished it. This summer, their parents had sent Eirie to a day camp where they did arts and crafts and they had had to make stuff like that. The clock itself was obviously from a recycled watch, but the kids at the camp had been taught how to make the cloth straps. Grady O'Constrad, who lived the next street over and was in Shi's grade, and had also been sent there by his parents, had said the place was just a slave labor camp in disguise, since it taught kids how to make lanyards and stuff like that.

Shi wasn't so sure about that. Eirie had definitely enjoyed his time there and, though he had been the youngest, the little redhead had also picked everything up the fastest, which made Shi proud. The result was a little, silver-colored watch that had straps the color of Shi's eyes, on the left strap a golden lion had been sewn, and on the back of the clock was engraved: “For My Big Brother.” Shi had no doubts that his mother or father had paid for the engraving, but Shi definitely believed that it was the thought that counted. He also thought the watch was really cool because it was the only clock he had ever seen that wasn't digital. Even the clocks in the classrooms had digital displays.

Shi glanced over at the hill and almost sighed again. Eirie should have been here by now. His little brother had walked home with him enough times after class that Shi was sure that he wasn't lost. It was the rule that their parents had set for school. When both of their classes were done, Eirie and Shi were supposed to meet at this spot. Eirie's classes ended thirty minutes after Shi's, but the blonde didn't mind waiting for him. And now he was late. Eirie was never late, had never been late, until now, it worried him. He did that a lot lately, worrying about Eirie.

It wasn't even just about their grandfather anymore. Of course he still worried about him. He worried that his grandfather would go back on his word and hurt Eir'. It wasn't like he had any reason to trust the man. He worried that one day, he would screw up and Eirie would have to pay for his failures. Maybe he wouldn't even realize that he had screwed up, maybe he would just come and Eirie would be… Shi shivered. If his anxieties over Cree weren't bad enough, he now felt himself overwhelmed by a crippling fear of… everything. If Cree was bad, who else could be bad? He couldn't stop thinking that. Cree was their grandfather, someone they were supposed to trust. Who else that they trusted were really… evil? That thought ate at him late at when sleep refused to come and he lied awake, staring at the ceiling. Who else wanted to hurt his brother?

A teacher, a friend of the family, a neighbor, their doctor, their classmates… was there anyone he could actually trust? Well, there was Vel and his parents, but that was a given. No matter what happened, no matter how jaded he got, Shi would never believe that Vel or his parents would ever cause him or his brother this kind of pain. And there was other stuff, too, like what if Eirie was hit by a car or Mr. Perkins' vicious guard dog got lose and Eirie, who loved animals and was ignorant of the beast's history of biting kids, tried to pet it? These were all things that were completely out of his control, but thoughts and worries about them drove him half mad. He knew he couldn't protect Eirie from half the things he was worried about, but that fact only made his anxiety worse.

He knew that these worries weren't just because of how much he loved his little brother or even because his grandfather had opened his eyes to how terrible and dark the world was. Another reason why he was so overprotective of Eirie was because of all he had sacrificed to keep him safe. If anything bad happened to Eirie, anything at all, it would render Shi's contract with their grandfather pointless, and he… he just couldn't handle that. He had traded his soul for Eirie's, so he could go on protecting him. He didn't want to know how incapable, how weak he really was.

`Fuck,' Shi thought as he looked at his watch, feeling oddly guilty at the sight of the lion on the strap.

He never said the four letter word out loud, his parents had taught him better than that, but he had no problems thinking it. Actually, it seemed like he was swearing in his head an awful lot lately. Screw it, he thought to himself, not feeling an inch of guilt over the harshness of his thoughts. If Eirie wouldn't come to him, he was going to go to Eirie. He didn't even consider the possibility that he might not find his brother. He couldn't accept that. Shi hated running, but he did so now. He had only started to hate it recently, when he had reached a height that running made his long legs ache. He was still great at sports, but his record time on the track had slowed over his reluctance to run, which had annoyed his gym teacher, but Shi felt like he lacked the words to explain the aches. It wasn't like he was going through a growth spurt or puberty, so he thought that no one would believe him if he said his legs hurt when he ran.

That his school and Eirie's were separated by a hill was annoying, Shi thought. If they weren't, it would be an easy thing to see Eirie exit school and walk towards him. After today, Shi vowed, he would go right to the kindergarten's entrance to meet him, not halfway with a hill separating them. How could he look after his brother with such an obstacle in his way? He was being silly again, he realized. Eirie was fine, he was just being protective; he would be fine.

Once Shi made it over the hill and down again, it was only a five minute run to Eirie's school. He spotted his familiar red hair before then. Despite all of his self-assurances, Shi felt the clamp around his heart release him when he saw his little brother leaning against a tree, his green backpack tossed to the side. Then, as Shi got closer, he realized that Eirie wasn't leaning, but was trapped against the tree by three boys, clearly Shi's age or older. One of the boys had his hand on the back of Eirie's neck, holding him still. Shi felt a strange heat rip through his gut when he saw that the three boys were laughing. How could anyone possibly laugh at Eirie when he looked like that, so utterly terrified? That heat grew and grew until Shi thought it would rip him apart.

When he got close enough to recognize the boy holding Eirie as the one when he had hit a year ago, the steel band returned to his heart, harder and tighter than before. The familiar boy took out a lighter, a flame bursting from it that danced dangerously close to Eirie's hair that was almost the same color… That terrifying heat inside of Shi erupted and consumed him, the rage mating with a horrible fear and something else that was darker, something that was screaming…

 

…

…

…

… Darkness, it felt like he was wrapped up in utter blackness. He could feel a strange buzzing in his head, which was just plain odd, since he could only feel it, not hear it. His heart was pounding in his ears, but he couldn't hear his own breathing, just that sound of his heart beat, like some sort of primal drum. Off in the distance, he heard a woman crying, but that didn't matter. He heard people, adults, screaming his name, screaming at him to stop, but they were muffled, like they were coming from a different world. His vision had been reduced to a pinprick of reality, but that reality was dangerous and he couldn't make himself focus on it. He didn't want to. Someone grabbed his arm and Shi lashed out at them. They quickly went away and he let it go. They weren't the threat. He was taking care of the real threat…

“Shi, stop it!” Shi heard his little brother screaming.

Eirie… he was ok… he was safe… not hurt… he had saved him… Something in Shi's head snapped violently, painfully, and he was thrust back into the fullness of reality.

The first thing that came to him was the sound of the birds around the clustering of trees, singing. The sun was shining brightly, so different from the darkness he had been emerged in just seconds before. Then, he saw his hands. They were furious fists, covered with so much blood, his fingers were caked together and he had to work at them for a few seconds to unclench them. It wasn't just blood, either, but chunks of… of…

“Shi!” Eirie's voice was the only thing that kept Shi from vomiting as realization started its brutal assault on his consciousness.

It was Eirie's sweet, young voice that made Shi look down. For the first time, Shi noticed that he was kneeling on the ground, not standing up. The knees of his jeans were ripped and stained in drying mud and… and blood. The blood on his hands was still hot… hot and wet… Slumped against the tree was proof of everything he couldn't remember. It was hard to recognize the boy he had fought with a year ago, the boy that had tried to burn Eirie's hair… but Shi knew it was him. His face, hair, and neck were drenched in blood. His face was mangled, swollen and distorted by powerful blows. Shi couldn't see cracks in the boy's skull, leaking more blood and brain matter, but he knew they were there. He knew, and there was only one reason why he could know that…

`I did this,' the thought thundered in his brain.

He stared at his hands, feeling numb all over, but his heart beat seemed to be screaming in his head. Everything around him was gray and wrong, silent and… and numb. He had done this. The bloody… thing lying there was his fault. He had killed someone. He… he was a murderer! Vel's voice saying that he wasn't a bad person came to him. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god… what had he done? How… how had the darkness gotten this big? How could he have? He wasn't this kind of person! He wouldn't hurt someone, not really… that wasn't who he was… No, that wasn't who he had been, before, but now… was this what he had become, a mere animal, killing and eating and destroying, not caring about anyone? But he did care…

“Shi!” he heard his brother calling for him a third time and felt someone with small hands tug at his shirt insistently.

Shi felt something else inside of him snap and he shoved his little brother away from him, hard enough to make Eirie step back a few feet, but soft enough that the five year old didn't fall.

“Get away from me!” Shi yelled at him, terror filling his heart.

Shi looked around at the people surrounding them. The other two boys were gone and Shi wondered if they had run away or had been taken away by one of the teachers that were circled around the grisly scene. He didn't care. They were gone, which meant he hadn't killed them, which was good. And why should he have? They weren't the threat. He shivered at the familiarity of that thought. He glared at the various teachers. What the hell were they thinking, letting Eirie run up to him like that?! They knew how dangerous he was! They were the adults, they supposed to take charge! They were supposed to protect Eirie… like he had…

Was that why… or was that just an excuse? Had he killed the boy to protect his brother, or was it just because of that rage he had felt? Would it have mattered who he hit, or would any body do to appease that anger? Would he have hurt Eirie? Would Eirie's teachers have pulled him off in time or would they have just done what they were doing now, stood there, staring at him like a bunch of stupid cows? Where the fuck had they been when those boys had been harassing his brother? Could he have done it? No… could he do it? Could he kill Eirie? Could he hurt him like he had just hurt this boy?

No! A voice inside of him screamed in denial. He could never hurt Eirie! If he could, then what had been the point of sacrificing himself like that? If he could hurt him, why not just give him to Cree to begin with? But that was back then, such a long time ago, when he had been a different person. If he could kill someone… wasn't it logical that he might hurt his baby brother? Or maybe even Vel… No, no, no, his mind chanted back at him, he could never… but he was a new person, someone capable of murder… would it really happen? Would he become his grandfather, a man capable of hurting his own family?

Shi couldn't stand the wide-eyed, scared look his little brother was giving him and he tore his eyes away from him. There was only one other place to look and Shi's crimson eyes drifted to the corpse on the ground. Suddenly, horribly, as fast as a reel of a movie being changed, the bloodied, dead boy became Eire. The thick blood was almost indescribable from his brother's red hair and the eyes that had been swollen shut just seconds before were wide open. The flat, staring, dull violet eyes were a mockery to Eirie's usually brilliant ones. The image of his baby brother's battered body, broken and dead by his own hands, hit Shi like a car. He did throw up then, but he didn't have the time to feel embarrassed as darkness claimed him again.

 

*****

 

When Shi opened his eyes again, it wasn't the darkness he was expecting. Instead of blackness, or even his dimly lit room, pure, brilliant white light invaded his vision and he had to squeeze his eyes shut again to escape it. For a few blessed minutes, all Shi could think about was that white light, and all he could concentrate on was trying to get his eyes open without the light searing them. He once again had that sensation of being struck by something as the sleepy fuzz that had been constricting his brain loosened and his memories hit him. Had it all been a dream?

Was it just his guilty conscience from hitting that boy? A year had passed since then, but that long stretch of time didn't really mean anything to Shi's heart. His parents and Vel probably thought that that incident didn't plague his thoughts anymore, but that wasn't true. The truth was, the distance between that moment and now, was useless. He still thought about it all the time, that anger, what he was capable of, who he was… Who was he? That question weighed on him constantly, and it was a question whose answer eluded him every time. He just didn't know.

Was all of this… this messed up reality just a dream like all those others where he saw his self doing terrible, violent thing like this? Terrible things… not because he wanted to protect anything, but because he liked it. Because someone had to pay for the darkness, and it felt so good to make something else hurt. Was that what this was? But this wasn't his room, or even Vel's or Eirie's, this was a room devoid of color and life, a room out of his nightmares, even when he knew that he wasn't dreaming. And his hands hurt, they felt skinned and bruised, and he could still taste the bile in his throat… He tried to cling to the idea that his killing someone was just a very vivid dream, but it faded as more and more things became more detailed to him. This was no dream, no matter how much he wanted it to be. He finally started to look around; though he stayed in the bed he was resting on.

When Shi was five, he had fallen out of a tree in their backyard and had broken three ribs. His parents had taken him to a room like this, to make the pain stop, to make things better. But this didn't make any sense to him. He wasn't hurt; there was nothing to be made better. He had done something wrong, something awful. So why was he at the doctor's and not jail? Bad people went to jail, that was one of the most basic lessons he had ever been taught, so why was he here? That he wasn't hurt was obvious at the lack of machines that had been in here when he had broken his ribs, but he was obviously at a hospital. Shi sat up and discovered that nothing was holding him down. He had seen that in movies before. If a bad guy was hurt, he was still taken to a hospital, but he was tied to the bed. Shi's freedom only confused him more. Why was he here?

When Shi swung his legs over the bed and tried to stand, he felt relieved to realize that he wasn't wearing one of those stupid gowns. He still had on his own clothes, but they had taken his shoes and socks for some reason. The linoleum floor should have been freezing under his bare feet, but Shi barely felt it. What should he do? Should he try to find his parents? They had to be here, somewhere. They had to tell your parents when you did something like this, didn't they? He wanted to see them, because he was scared and lonely in this room, and his parents always made him feel better. But this time was different, this time he had done something so bad, he knew his parents would never forgive him.

His mother would cry and his father would yell… or worse, they wouldn't even want to see him. How could he face that when he needed them so badly right now? They were probably ashamed of him. How could they not be? And what about Vel, what would he think about this, about being best friends with a cold-blooded murderer? At that, a deep guilt filled him. He felt everything, his dreams, his hope, his life, was spiraling out of control. Did he even want to see anyone, knowing how ashamed they were of him? Eirie was safe and that one, single, wonderful fact was the only thing that was keeping him together. He didn't remember much about what had happened, but he did remember the lighter and knew he had saved his little brother's life.

And wasn't it just a little bit strange that, though he hated himself for what he had done, he was also very happy and relieved that Eirie was no longer in any danger. Hell, he was proud. It felt like the first time in a year that he had actually done his duty as a big brother and had protected him. With his grandfather, it just felt like he was holding the wolf at bay. It felt like he wasn't really doing anything to save his brother. Cree was still around, and the most that Shi could do was attempt to keep the man away from Eirie, but really, what could he do if their grandfather wanted to hurt his brother? So, he felt relieved and proud about something that he should only feel horror and repulsion about. It confused him, made him feel like he was being torn in two directions.

No, it was more like four directions because at the same time that he wanted more than anything to see Eirie and his parents, he was scared. He hated letting down his mother and father, couldn't take their contempt. He just wanted to stay here, if it meant avoiding them. And then there was Eirie. He wanted to see him so very badly, to see that he really was safe, but he kept remembering the look his little brother had given him when he had pushed him away. What had that look been? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Betrayal? He didn't know. No matter how many times he remembered it, he couldn't figure out what Eirie had been feeling right then. His heart hurt every time he thought of it, the pain heavy and thick at the thought that he had done more today than murdering someone. He had scared the hell out of Eirie. It was bad enough that Eirie had seen someone die; he had seen his big brother do it. What if he had damaged something precious? Eirie's innocence; their relationship? What if Eirie hated him? That pain threatened to disembowel him. He needed Eirie, how could he keep going if the person he had sold his soul to protect didn't love him anymore? He wouldn't stop what he was doing with Cree, even if Eirie hated him, but it made him want to break down and cry like a little child.

He couldn't lose his family, Shi thought as he walked slowly to the bathroom. He could survive anything, just not… not that. The people he loved were all he had to cling to, to keep him human. Otherwise… he was just an animal, too angry and hurt to survive. It he lost them now, he would rather be dead, and that would be kinder. Shi suddenly found himself standing in front of the large mirror in the bathroom and stared at his reflection. For a few, terrifying moments, he didn't recognize the boy who was staring back at him. He was a stranger, an alien thing looking at him. The only tying more hateful than not being able to recognize his own reflection was when he did, when it all came rushing back to him with the understanding that the strange thing with the terrible red eyes was him, that he was only looking at himself.

He hated it. It was ugly and awful; those eyes the color of the blood that stained his clothes that not too long ago, had covered his hands. The pale skin, the long limbs, the long blonde hair… he hated all of it. It should die. He should die. It was a monster and he wanted nothing more than to destroy it. It was him… he understood that, and he hated it. He shouldn't exist, not like this. He didn't want to be this person anymore, he was just so tired of it… but it was a part of him now, forever, even if it was ugly. Before he even realized what he was doing, Shi slammed the sides of his fists against the mirror. The flat surface cracked in a spider web, but didn't shatter. He felt the sharp edges of the cracked glass slice his hands and he looked at them in a daze. Blood dripped down his hands and arms, dripping on to the white floor.

White, white, white… everything was hideously white, not like pretty snow, but like nothingness… like his head and his heart. At the sight of the crimson spots amongst that white, Shi nearly laughed out loud. It felt comical, like a `screw you' to those pure white tiles, to the hospital, even to Cree. A pointless "fuck you" to his grandfather, a man who thought he had the world in the palm of his hand. Cree's world was as pristine, perfect, and empty as the while of the tiles that he had just made imperfect. That world had rules and an order that Cree not only excelled in, but hungered for. He thought, just because he held power over the people in his life that that meant that he was master of his world, but that world was a lie.

It was because of his grandfather that Shi had come to realize that the real world was wild, chaotic, and raw, not ordered. There were no rules. In such a world, the only part of Cree that was `real' was his power. In such a world, a boy who hated seeing people hurt, and who only wanted to do good, had killed another human being out of bitter anger. Where was the order in that? But Cree's unwavering power had turned him into this. Shi studied the contrast of the dark crimson on his pale skin. He couldn't really see the cuts under the blood, but he should be crying with the pain, right? But it didn't really hurt, not in the way he was used to.

It was strange. It was like the pain, though sharp and throbbing, had lifted something terrible from his heart, but now that the pain was starting to fade, that burden was starting to return, too. It was almost as though… as though the pain in his heart had been eased by the pain in his hands. Those cuts had made him feel good. No, it wasn't really the pain, but the relief. How could he feel that way, just from hurting himself? Pain wasn't supposed to make you feel good…

Shi suddenly caught his reflection in the mirror again and had that insane urge to laugh once more. The cracks in the mirror fractured his reflection into hundreds of himself. Wasn't that just perfect? It was exactly how he felt. Because of what he had agreed to do with his grandfather, he was cracked, fractured, but not broken. Wouldn't it be easier if he were? Then, someone would be forced to fix him, wouldn't they? Because broken mirrors shattered all over the floor, but cracked ones just… hung there, useless, ready for one more blow to send them crashing down… and wasn't that what he was doing, walking around wounded, just waiting for that one last blow… Would anyone bother to fix him, though, or just throw him away like so many shards? It would be so much easier… things that were broken stayed broken and useless and were usually thrown away. Maybe if the broken thing had once been beautiful, some kind, sentimental soul would try to fix it, but it was hard work, and he had never been beautiful…

Shi took a hesitant step away from the mirror and watched as his reflection vanished from its surface. It made his heart ache and feel hollow at the same time for some reason, but it was a relief, too. He didn't want to look at it anymore. He already felt like he was unraveling, constantly, he didn't need the reminder in front of his eyes. That was just another reason why the cracked mirror struck him as so damn funny. His soul wasn't just cracked, he felt like he was pulled in different directions. He felt like his heart had as many faces as his reflection. He felt hate, love, confusion, terror, righteousness, strength, vulnerability, pathetic, relief, anxiety, rage… and that was all just directed towards his grandfather and their deal, that wasn't even taking in consideration for his conflicting feelings about Vel, his brother, his parents, his classmates, his eyes, his height, Aunt Ursula and all the other relatives that had stopped visiting as soon as his grandfather had shown up. Not to mention how he felt about all those secret little things in the past that his mother never spoke of.

Shi thought that, considering his grandfather's rude intrusion into his perfect little life, he deserved to know everything that his mother remembered about Cree. After everything he had suffered and everything he had lost… didn't he deserve that much? He wanted to know about their fight, why his mother had refused to see him for nine whole years. Had she known? That thought was so terrible, so… so unthinkable, Shi shuddered where he stood. He couldn't bear to continue thinking that that his mother had known of her father's evil and had allowed him to enter their home. No matter what, he wouldn't believe that of her. But still… he wanted to know; he wanted to know if there had been some sort of clue, if his grandfather had always been like this, or if there was something else going on.

Could a man just… become evil? It had to be true; otherwise, it meant that Shi had always been coming to this, that this moment had been inevitable. But he hadn't been like this, so angry, so willing to do violence just to ease the pain in his heart, so it must be possible to just, once day, wake up a monster. Shi slowly exited the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bed. He wanted to know these things, but at the same time, he was terrified of what the answers would be. So many different feelings inside his head… he really shouldn't be so surprised that he felt like he was going insane.

Shi didn't know how long he sat there, staring blankly at the wall, his blood dripping onto the sheets, which were as annoyingly white as the rest of the goddamned room, but when someone knocked on the closed door, his entire body flinched violently, as though he had been punched in the face. He waited, frozen for several seconds, wondering what he should do. Why was anyone knocking? If he just stayed quiet, or told them to leave him alone, would they go away? Adults never listened to kids, but why bother knocking anyway? To Shi's extreme annoyance, the door opened before he could think of anything to do.

That annoyance quickly turned to confusion as, instead of the police or even his parents, two women walked in. They both had dark grey eyes, but beyond that, they looked nothing alike. The first one in was wearing a pink outfit like the nurses wore and she carried nothing, unlike the other woman who held a clipboard. The nurse looked as young as his mother, her ash blonde hair pulled into a loose ponytail. At the sight of her hair, Shi suddenly felt a powerful longing for his best friend. He thought that, if he saw Vel now, his heart might tear apart in pure need and desperation for his comforting touch. The other woman was much taller than the nurse and was middle aged, though not as old as most of Shi's teachers. Her dark brown hair was short, but it hung around her face instead of being close to her head. She wore a long, white coat, like the doctors did, but Shi didn't think that she was a doctor.

For one thing, the older woman didn't stride like a doctor, like the hospital and its patients belonged to her, like a queen in a castle, who knew more than anyone else. The woman walked like someone who had confidence, who knew what she was doing and had every right to be there, but she was still just a guest and lacked any pompousness. She didn't have a stethoscope hanging from her pocket or around her neck, either. Also, the clothes under her coat were drab, cheap looking and Shi thought that this meant she didn't make as much as a doctor. Immediately, he was on alert. He would have known what to expect from a doctor, but he had no idea who this woman was and that set him on edge.

Shi wasn't very good at a lot of things, but for as long as he could remember, he could see things, miniscule details, that few other people noticed. His dad said that he had `eagle eyes', whatever that was. A leaf that was a different color from all the others on the tree, that Mr. Abbley from next door never recycled, but his wife always did, that Vel's bangs on the right side of his face were slightly longer than on the left, almost to the point that they were covering his beautiful, golden eye… he always had the urge to run his fingers through those bangs, or brushing them aside so his fingers could graze his cheek or forehead.

It seemed that his stupid, red eyes were only good for such observations, but the skill itself was pretty useless. He couldn't think of single way to use it in the `real world', unless he sought a job in bird watching. But even that was pointless because he could never remember all the names of those birds anyway. Eirie was good at stuff like that, though. Eirie was good at all kind of things… Shi was sure that their parents considered his little brother the better child. Eirie could draw, he was friendly and cute, he could memorize things easily, and he was kinder, better than Shi could ever hope to be. And yet he wasn't jealous. He should be, but he wasn't. He had accepted the fact that Eirie was a better person, that he deserved to be a better person, the second he had sat down to play video games with him that day and had realized the extent of his love for him. That day… he had been glad to take up arms and sacrifice himself for his baby brother, as long as he could protect that light inside of the little redhead, that shining brilliance.

It was because of this weird skill that he was able to know that the woman that was slowly approaching his bed was definitely not a doctor or a nurse, or anyone else that he could imagine had a reason to be here. In the end, he supposed that it didn't really matter who she was. He was in trouble, the sort of trouble that he had never imagined that he would ever be in. How could he have? Who, in their sane minds, would look at their future and imagine themselves in this situation? But no matter who this woman was, sooner or later, he was going to get punished for what he did. It was what was supposed to happen. Bad people got punished. There was a small, furious voice deep in his head that hissed to him, saying that his grandfather had never been punished for ruining his life, and that was perhaps the very root of all that anger inside of him now. But he couldn't bring himself to even consider the possibility that he might be beyond punishment, too. He didn't have his grandfather's power, or his luck. Maybe some bad guys didn't get punished, but that was only because they were big, like his grandfather was, and not just in stature. Shi wasn't that kind of person.

But still, it made his chest hurt. He was sorry for what he did, but he knew that his grandfather had never felt any sort of regret, or even pity, for what he had done. So why was it his fate that he had to go to jail, while his grandfather got away with everything? It just wasn't fair! That knowledge, the image of his grandfather's smirking face, and the phantom of his punishing cock, made the rage boil intensely inside of his heart. With it, came that spark of fear that he might unleash it, that he might hurt someone again. To his shock, just as quickly as it had burned him, his anger vanished in the face of that fear. He couldn't understand it… Vel had tried to help him control his anger and that had seemed to help, but why was it so easy to wrangle a hold over his fury now, when it had been useless the second he had seen that boy try to hurt his little brother? Why hadn't he been able to find that calm center, why had not even a second passed before he had… he couldn't remember, he only knew that very little time had passed between seeing that flame and killing that boy.

The nurse, her badge said Scott, approached him slowly and Shi wondered if she had been told of what he had done. He wondered if she was thinking that he was dangerous and might leap at her at any second. He wondered if she thought he should just be locked up or shot like a wild dog and that she shouldn't have to be here, in a closed room with him. Then, that hesitation quickly vanished as the nurse gasped loudly in the hollow sounding room and rushed to his side. Shi immediately flinched from her as she knelt down, unsure of what she was doing. When she gently touched his slashed up hands, he let go of the breath he had been holding in. Of course she had just run over here because of his wounds. She was a nurse after all, it didn't matter who he was; it was just her duty. But her concern, duty or not, made something ease a little inside of him.

“I thought you said that they had already cleaned him up?” the brunette said tersely.

“They did!” Scott defended, “His hands weren't like this earlier…”

The brunette sighed. Shi looked from her back to the nurse, who had pulled an aid kit from somewhere and was already wiping alcohol on his cuts. He could barely feel it, which he thought was odd. When his mom did this, it burned like hell. Maybe he was getting numb on the outside like he was inside.

“How did this happen, what did you do?” the nurse pressed in a tone that was so severely annoyed, Shi hesitated to answer her.

“What happened?” the brunette said in a much kinder voice that made Shi relax.

“I slipped,” he lied.

It was pretty lame, as far as lies went, but it was the only one that he could think of at the moment. He wondered what they would do if they found out that he had done it to himself. Prisoners got last requests, didn't they? Would they take away that privilege if they knew he had done this to himself? A last wish… it probably wasn't even something that he deserved, but if he could have one thing before he was arrested, he wanted to see his family one last time. ; even if they didn't want to see him. He wanted to tell Eirie how sorry he was, he wanted to tell his parents that he loved them, so much that that love hurt sometimes, and that he hadn't meant to do this. That he just wanted everything to go back to normal and that he had tried, so very hard, to not be a bad boy. But it was in his blood now. How could you fight against something that was inside you? And still, he had tried, but when he had seen that flame… Shi was so sure that the brunette woman and the nurse would never believe such a stupid lie, and the look in their eyes told him that they didn't, but to his surprise, the brunette smiled at him anyway.

“I see,” she said and Shi very much suddenly wanted to know who this woman was, “Well, your wounds don't look very serious. Do they hurt much?”

Her voice was kind and Shi realized that this woman actually cared that he was bleeding, unlike the nurse, who was just doing her job. He was positive that the brunette knew he was lying because she didn't ask where he had slipped or why, but she didn't press the issue, which confused him further.

“It doesn't hurt,” he told her, and that was true.

The cuts stung a little, but the pain was quickly turning into nothing, and why did that make him feel kind of sad, like something good was leaving him? He caught the irritated look Scott threw the other woman, but whoever the brunette was, the nurse seemed hesitant to scold her. The brunette glared at her, annoyed by her attitude.

“You can leave now,” she said to the nurse coldly.

“Absolutely not,” the nurse snapped, “I was told to stay here, to make sure-,”

“I am well aware of that,” the brunette said in a short tone, “But I have no use for you. Go and tell his parents that I'll be done shortly.”

At the mention of his parents, Shi perked up a little. Oddly, when the nurse stepped out, he felt a little bit better. It felt more comfortable with just him and another person, and this woman had been nice to him so far, which was much more than he deserved.

The brunette got on her knees in front of him and took his hands in hers; examining the light swath of bandages the nurse had wrapped his wounds in. When she bent to inspect the other woman's work, Shi realized he could see her cleavage. It wasn't very much, but Shi had never been impressed by the size of a woman's breasts. Maybe it was because of his age or that was the sort of man he would grow up to be, but Shi didn't like the big ones anymore than the little ones. He had always liked how the soft curves of breast looked, what little bit he had seen, and he was just as fascinated with Vel's back. He had seen it a couple of times, when they went swimming at the public pool in the summer, and the firmness and strength of it had excited him. He was sure that, with time, that childish excitement would turn to adult lust, but lust, the thing that made his grandfather hurt him with eagerness at times, was frightening and Shi wasn't sure if that was something he should look forward to.

Still, the excitement was ok, it wasn't something frantic and violent like lust, it just made him feel warm and made him want to study every inch of that exciting thing. At this moment, though, it was the touch of the woman's hand on his arm that made him blush. His face felt red hot and Shi wondered how the sight of her cleavage couldn't do that, but just a little touch could. It wasn't something that was alien to him, though. It was like the difference between seeing a pretty girl in a bikini during the summer and having Vel hold his hand. The girl was almost always pretty, and he liked that, but for some reason, Vel's hand on any part of him made him feel like he was going to combust. Logic said that seeing a pretty girl almost naked should feel nicer than just holding hands, so it shouldn't make sense, but it did. Shi thought that it was because he was in love with Vel. Girls were nice to look at, but he had never been in love with any of them before.

Love, the upperclassmen liked to joke, was just something that girls had made up to seem classier than boys, but Shi thought, if you believed that, then you hadn't ever been in love before. One older boy had told Shi and his other curious male classmates that love just meant fucking, it wasn't anything more complicated than that, but girls hated the word `fuck', because they thought it was crude, so they made up a different word for it. But Shi couldn't believe in that. He and Vel had never had sex, and Shi thought that it wouldn't be a terrible thing if they never did, but even if they didn't, Shi wanted to be with him. He often thought that he could die happily if he spent the rest of his life with Vel. He felt that too strongly to think of it as anything but love.

“This will probably heal very well,” the brunette's voice broke Shi from his thoughts.

The woman was still smiling kindly at him which was just as confusing to him as her touch. She didn't know him and he didn't know her, but her fingers were warm on his bandaged arms and hands. She was touching him lightly, gently, as though she actually cared if she hurt him. And here she was, smiling at him, like he hadn't done anything wrong. Did she now know what he had done? Or maybe this was some kind of trap. Maybe they had told her to be extra nice to him so he would tell the truth. Well, if it was a trap, it was pointless. He had no intention of lying.

“Shi, I'm Doctor Harris,” she introduced herself finally.

That this woman knew his name unsettled hi ma little, even though it made sense.

“You don't look like a doctor,” Shi voiced his thoughts.

Instead of being offended, Harris chuckled. She made a mental note not to treat the longhaired boy like a child. In her line of work, she had met a lot of children like Shi. Little kids with eyes like adults. His family doctor had informed her that Shi was quite intelligent and a bit precocious, but this went beyond a child who was a bit bright. Shi was like all those other kids she had spoken with who had been forcibly matured far beyond his years. She didn't know what had happened to him, but his eyes…

“You're very perceptive,” she remarked, trusting him to know what that word meant and sure enough, he didn't look confused.

“And you're right, I'm not that kind of doctor, I'm a different sort,” she explained, “Other doctors heal the wounds people have on the outside. I heal invisible ones.”

“Invisible?” Shi asked in confusion.

“Yes. Sometimes, we have wounds that no one can see. We can feel them, as painful as any other wound, but others only know about them if we talk about them,” she clarified, “Visible wounds are easy to take care of with bandages, but the wounds I take care of are a lot harder to treat. I have to use words, and the right words are very hard to find.”

“Oh,” Shi said, his red eyes shining with clarity, “You're a therapist.”

“That's right,” Harris said her smile even brighter.

She hated her job sometimes because she ended up liking a lot of the kids under her care. She was a therapist appointed by the hospital to assess the mental condition of “troubled” kids, so her job often forced her to treat children who had done things like torture the family pet, hurt themselves, or even worse. It wasn't such a bad job, since sometimes she truly got to help these kids, but most of the time, there was little she could do and it broke her heart. It was the same now. When she had been told that the police wanted a psych evaluation on a little boy who had brutally killed one of his classmates, she had expected to meet a hardened child with no respect for others who would insist that he had done nothing wrong.

Instead, she had gotten Shi, who seemed so meek, like he was expecting someone to come along and strike him. What was worse, his bright intelligence, thoroughly lacking an over inflated ego, made him likeable. It was easy for Harris to lump him into the small group of kids she had met who needed someone to talk to who would listen to his fears and feelings like an adult instead of a child more than a firm hand or discipline. What little bit she had been told about this case was that the police weren't, thankfully, thinking juvie. In her personal and professional opinion, sending a boy Shi's age to a place like that was stupid, but she did realize that this situation was more serious than a boy who picked fights relentlessly. Or at least, that was the police's opinion. In hers, a boy like that was more dangerous than a boy like Shi.

A ten year old, with no previous record of violence beyond one tiny incident over a year ago, did not just randomly go around killing other kids out of the blue. Either there had to be some hidden incidents in his past, which Harris didn't think was the case, or something drastic had happened. This was what the police wanted to know, if Shi was the kind of boy itching for a fight and would snap at anyone, in which case, they would probably lock him up in a mental institution, or if this was just a shocking, one time thing. Harris couldn't equate the shy boy in front of her as a rabid bully, but he didn't look capable of killing at all, either.

“Wait,” Shi suddenly said, the clarity edging off into confusion, “I don't have any `invisible wounds'.”

`Liar,' a voice said in his head that sounded a lot like his own.

“And even if I did,” Shi shot back at the voice, “What does it matter? I killed someone! No matter what I say, they're sending me to jail, so why should I say anything?”

Harris fought against a sigh of frustration. How long had he been sitting in this room believing that, in any moment, the police would come storming in to take him away from his family? They should have called her earlier. It was no wonder the boy was so nervous and shy, he was probably a wreck. Her eyes strayed down to his bandaged hands. Those cuts were an obvious sign of guilt. Almost all of the boys she had sent to juvie had felt nothing but pride towards their actions, but Shi obviously felt terrible about it, if he felt the need to hurt himself like that. She didn't know is she should tell the police of it, or even if Shi would do it again.

“Did someone tell you that?” she asked him.

Shi shook his head.

“I did something bad and I would be punished for it,” he said like he was spouting the most basic truth in the world.

“You think that what you did was wrong?” she asked.

Shi gave her a look that said he thought she was being very stupid.

“I killed someone!” he cried out and Harris thought that he sounded like he was about to burst into tears, “Even if he was a jerk, he didn't deserve to die!”

Harris made a note of that on her clipboard. It wouldn't sound like much to a cop, but to someone in her field, Shi's self-hatred in the face of his actions meant the difference between someone who wouldn't do something like this again and someone who didn't care, or worse, had enjoyed it.

“You didn't want to kill him,” she summed up his feelings.

Shi shook his head violently.

“I hate him, but I didn't want to hurt him,” Shi murmured sadly, “I don't want to hurt anyone… especially not like that.”

“Then can you tell me why you attacked him?” Harris finally asked the most important question, “The teachers that witnessed it said there was no build up, you attacked that boy with enough force to kill him right away.”

“What does it matter?” Shi demanded, “What difference does it make why I did it?”

He couldn't wrap his head around the idea that the reason had any importance at all. His punishment was going to be the same, so what difference did it make?

“Well, Shi, sometimes, what we do isn't nearly as important as why we do it,” Harris told him, “Sometimes a person's reason makes a huge difference towards the consequences of their actions.”

Shi looked terribly confused at her words and it made Harris' heart ache at Shi's inability to take the idea that he might not be punished at face value. Shi was like a lot of abused kids she had met, incapable of believing in the good, but expecting the bad. If anything good did happen to them, they believed that they didn't deserve it. But Harris had met Shi's parents and couldn't put that stigma on their shoulders. When Shi's mother had been told what he had done, her first words were not questions about how Shi could have done such a terrible thing. Instead, she had asked, on the verge of tears, if her baby was hurt and what they were going to do to him. If Shi was being abused, it wasn't by his parents, she was sure of that.

“But I don't get it,” Shi said, “If you do something bad and you get caught, shouldn't you get punished?”

It was the second time Shi had said something like that and she wondered if that concept of punishment held a higher significance to Shi than Harris was seeing.

“Not necessarily. One night, a man breaks into a store and steals a TV because he doesn't want to pay for it. On the same night, another man breaks into another store and steals a TV that is the same price as the other one, but he does so because he was told that, if he didn't, he will be killed. Both of these men have stolen, so shouldn't they be punished equally?” she questioned.

Shi immediately shook his head, the answer obvious to him.

“The second guy didn't want to steal anything, he had to do it to save himself, so he shouldn't be punished so badly,” then it suddenly dawned on Shi what Harris was trying to get at, “But this is completely different!”

“Because you killed someone,” Harris inferred.

“Yes,” Shi responded, like that explained everything.

“You think that murder is completely inexcusable? What if it was the same situation as I explained before and someone had to do it to save themselves or something precious to them?” the brunette pressed.

Shi hesitated, considering her words.

“But… what I did is inexcusable,” he whispered.

“So you think that other bad things are excusable if someone is sorry, or didn't mean to, but the things you've done aren't?” Harris asked, truly disturbed by Shi's views.

Shi crossed his legs on the bed.

“But… no one forced me to do it,” Shi said stubbornly, “So… what I did… how can it be anything but wrong?”

“That's what I'm here to find out,” Harris told him, “The reason why you did this.”

“Maybe I'm just a bad person,” Shi retorted.

“Your parents don't think so,” she said softly.

Shi seemed to completely freeze where he sat on the bad at the mere mention of his family.

“Do you really think you're bad?” Harris asked in a quiet, sad voice.

Shi nodded. It was too easy of a conclusion to come to, remembering the past year, the rage, the angry thoughts, hitting that kid, then killing him… if those actions weren't of a bad person… whose actions were they? Hadn't he thought that when he had looked at himself in the mirror? Wasn't that the reason why he had hurt himself? Because he was bad… and bad people should be punished. He had to believe in that… he had to believe that… one day… all bad people would be punished… even the ones that seemed infallible. Even if that meant he was one of them… He didn't notice the worried look the therapist shot him or that she was writing on her clipboard again.

“Why don't you tell me what happened today?” she asked softly.

“I-I don't remember a lot of it,” Shi confessed with a shrug of his shoulders.

Harris frowned. She had heard that excuse from a lot of kids. They thought that, if they said that they didn't remember what they did, they couldn't possibly be punished for it. Most of the time, with enough constant questions, these kids came clean and told her that they remembered everything, but not always. With some of these children, Harris slowly learned that they were telling the truth. For some reason, they had blacked out during those events and could only remember small pieces.

She didn't think that Shi was lying. The whole point of saying he couldn't remember would be to hide his guilt, but he had already admitted to it and was miserable because of it. His ideas of what should happen to him in punishment were probably much harsher than anyone else's. But if Shi wasn't lying, that didn't bode well for him, either. Usually, people who had black outs like that had witnessed something terrible and had post traumatic stress disorder.

“Well, let's start with what you do remember,” She suggested, “And piece the rest together later.”

“There really isn't that much to tell,” Shi told her, almost shyly, “I was picking Eirie up from school.”

“Do you do that often?” Harris asked.

“Every school day,” Shi responded.

“It must be annoying,” she guessed, “Having your parents make you wait around to pick up your baby brother and walk him home. I'm sure you'd rather be off playing sports or being with friends your own age.”

Shi almost laughed at that. He didn't even have any friends his own age. Even if he did, he was sure that Eirie was better company. He could easily say that he didn't like anyone in his grade. Instead, he just shook his head.

“My parents don't really make me do it,” Shi said.

Truthfully, he wasn't sure if it was something his parents would make him do it. He had never said no and he didn't intend to. Actually, he would be doing it whether they had brought it up or not.

“It's not a chore or anything,” he continued, “I like hanging out with my brother and it's my responsibility to make sure he's safe.”

Shi's sense of duty impressed Harris. Most boys his age threw around words like `responsibility' just because their parents used it frequently while they really viewed such responsibilities as burdens. Shi, on the other hand, seemed to take it more seriously. He even said the word like it was something important. She smiled at him.

“You must love your little brother a lot,” she said softly.

Shi nodded.

“Of course I love him, he's my little brother,” he said like he considered any alternative to be ridiculous, “And he's fun to be with. I don't mind looking after him or anything like that. Even if I didn't like it, I'd feel even worse if he got hurt because of me. Big brothers are supposed to make sure their siblings are safe.”

Harris chuckled a little.

“I suppose that's true, but not every big brother is like that. I have a brother who is six years older than me who used to push me around all the time when we were kids. One time, we were playing on this little bridge over a pond in our back yard and he pushed me over the edge,” she said, “Fortunately, I was a good swimmer or I would have been in trouble.”

Shi stared at her with wide, shocked eyes and for a moment, Harris was mesmerized by their rare color.

“But… why would he do that?” Shi demanded, horrified at the thought of him every doing something like that to his own little brother, “Didn't he love you?”

“Oh, I'm sure he did,” she said with a fond smile, “Not all big brothers are like you, Shi. Some of them feel that their little siblings are annoying, burdens that their parents have forced upon them. My brother was sorry for what he did, but he never apologized because he was the older sibling and was far too proud to admit that he was wrong. A lot of big brothers are like that. Shi… sometimes, the people we love can hurt us very badly, but it doesn't mean that they don't love us.”

Harris' words sent a painful cold through his heart, like sharp shards of ice. The people in his life could hurt him and love him at the same time… he wanted to deny the ambiguity of that, but he couldn't because he had suspicions that he had always known it was true. Was Cree one of those people? All the pain and wrongness he made him feel… did he really love him? And did Shi love him back? It was true that Shi hated him for his actions, but there were times when he thought that his grandfather could see him like no one else could and he might just… he might just love him.

And whoever said that love was anything but ugly and painful? His love for Vel and Eirie was painful. He had even tried to hate Eirie for what he had had to do to protect him, but he couldn't. What if Cree was the same? What if, through all his attempts to hate him, he really… Cree was family. When he visited he brought toys and treats and other nice things for them. Last weekend, Shi had caught Cree trying to talk his parents into buying him a dog. Not he and Eirie, but him. He had always wanted a dog, a big one, like a German Sheppard, which was the breed Cree had been discussing. But how could his grandfather had known about that?

He couldn't understand things like that. What they were doing together was so wrong, so wrong and painful, Shi had believed that Cree had to hate him, then he did weird things like buying him his favorite ice cream, or letting him stay up late to watch a movie he had wanted to see for weeks, and sometimes he would even kiss him like his dad did.

Was it possible? Whenever Shi acted annoyed that he was coming over, his mother would say stuff like, “your grandfather loves you very much,” and he would scoff and think, `no he doesn't, not really. If he did, he wouldn't make me do nasty things with him.' But deep down inside, Shi wondered why Cree treated him so kindly when his parents weren't around. When they were alone, he could drop the act, but when they weren't having sex, he was his grandfather, that was how he acted.

Now that he thought about it, he thought that Cree liked him a lot better than he liked Eirie, which was weird. Eirie was cuter than him, better behaved, and just an all around better kid, but whenever they made a mistake or misbehaved, Cree would yell at Eir', never at him, even though he was the older one, which meant he was responsible. Was that the reason why he had made the deal with Shi instead of his little brother, because he loved him more? He had always thought that the idea that Cree might love him, not hate him like he usually thought would make things better. If his grandfather loved him, that was good and it would make the pain not so bad. But it only made his heart hurt worse.

“Shi?” the therapist's voice was thick with worry for the sudden, dark expression in Shi's eyes.

The longhaired blonde was a terrible liar. Those sharp, expressive eyes of his gave him away, making it easy to tell if he was lying or telling the truth. When he had spoken of his guilt, he had been sad and afraid. When they had talked about his brother, then hers, he had looked happy, then horrified. When she had tried to explain the differences in various wrongs, he had been inquisitive. But now… the look in his eyes now was something else entirely, something scary.

“What's wrong?” she asked, putting a hand on his arm.

Shi seemed to snap out of his strange mood and met her eyes again.

“Nothing,” he said.

It was obviously a lie as when he had said that his wounds were because he had slipped. Before, she hadn't pressed because she hadn't wanted to startle him so early on. Now, she was scared of the answer, and what his reaction might be. It was her job to ask such questions, but that didn't mean that she had to like the answer she got.

“So, you were waiting outside your brother's school for him,” she tried to continue, “Did that boy see you there?”

Shi shook his head.

“I was waiting down the hill. I always wait there for him,” he told her, “I waited awhile for him, but he didn't show up,” he got a confused look on his face, “Eirie's always on time and I knew… I knew something bad had to have happened. So, I ran over to his school…”

Harris' hand, which had been taking notes on what Shi was telling her, froze and she stared up at him in just as much confusion.

“You were sure that something bad had happened? Was there some clue you saw?” she asked.

“N-no,” Shi stammered, suddenly unsure of himself, “It wasn't like that. He was just late, that's all…”

“You had no reason to assume that your brother was in trouble, but you ran for him,” Harris said with a frown, “Eirie's fairly young, isn't it easier to assume that he was held up talking to a teacher or classmate, or even that he had lost something or something else like that?”

Shi's fingers clenched at his pants. He hadn't considered any of that, but she was right… why had he flung off the handle like that? Just because of the mere possibility that his baby brother could be hurt?

“I… I didn't think of any of that,” he confessed, “All I could think was that he was hurt, that he was in trouble.”

“Why would you think such a thing?” Harris asked softly.

She suddenly felt like they were hitting on something very vital, but she wasn't quite sure yet why it was something so important.

“I guess I'm a little overprotective of him,” Shi murmured, “It's all I think about sometimes, what if Eirie got hurt because I wasn't there for him? I love him and he's so little and trusting… what if something bad happened to him? I could never let that happen…”

His hopeless expression almost broke her heart and she suddenly understood. He had panicked. The mere thought of his little brother being hurt had given him a panic attack, enough for him to run all the way to the school for him.

“Do you think that you would do anything to protect him?” she asked almost in a near whisper, “If you thought that your brother was in danger, you would do anything, because you love him and feel responsible for him?”

“Yes,” Shi said fiercely, “Eirie can't defend himself, it's my responsibility. He relies on me; he trusts me, I can't let him down.”

Shi's words chilled her. The idea of protecting his little brother, no matter what, was indeed cute and sweet, but it was the way he said it that disturbed her. In Shi's mind, Eirie was the one who mattered. He didn't mention that he wanted to protect Eirie because it would hurt him if something happened to his little brother, only that he loved him and it was his responsibility. She had only met a child Shi's age who would phrase things without a single trace of normal ego once before, a little boy named Sean. His mother, who had been addicted to heroin, had been frequently selling her seven year old to men for a quick fix. Harris had thought that she could help Sean get over his demons. She had had two weeks of sessions with him, right before he slit his arms from elbow to wrist and bled out in the child service's bathroom. That she was seeing even a glimmer of that sad, hopeless boy in Shi was beyond disturbing.

“And was he hurt? Your brother?” she asked after taking a couple of deep breaths to calm herself.

“I… I remember…” Shi said airily, like he was caught in the memories he was telling her about, “I remember seeing Eirie. I was running down the hill, so far away from him, but I saw him. That boy… the one I killed, a couple others, had him up against a tree. I wasn't sure what they were doing… but I saw the lighter. That boy had it and he was holding it so close to Eirie… I saw the flame and I could hear Eirie screaming… I was so far away, but I could still hear him,” a few tears escaped Shi's iron control and dripped down his cheeks, “then… then everything went black, like I fell asleep and the next thing I knew, I was hitting that guy, only he wasn't alive anymore. All these people were around us and I was covered in blood…”

Shi bent his head almost until it reached his lap, his painfully arched back shaking as his golden hair fell like a waterfall, obscuring his face from Harris' eyes.

“I don't know,” he sobbed, “I don't remember what I did!” he was almost screaming now and Harris nearly jumped to sit on the edge of the bed with him, wrapping her arm around his shaking shoulders.

“Shi, it's alright,” she tried to soothe him, her mind already painting the things that Shi couldn't remember.

“How can you say that?” Shi sniffed, “I don't remember. I know I killed him, but I can't remember why! How can anything be alright? I didn't mean to kill him… but I did! What if I do the same thing to Eirie?!”

“I don't think you will,” the doctor's voice was comforting and Shi finally looked up at her, his hand coming up to wipe at his watery eyes.

“But how do you know?” he demanded in desperation, ready to cling to any reason to believe he wasn't the sort of monster he thought he was, that he wouldn't hurt the ones he loved.

After all, hadn't that been what Dr. Harris had said? That you could hurt the people you loved?

“Shi, I think I know the reason why you attacked that boy so viciously,” Harris said.

The conviction in the woman's voice gained Shi's full attention and for the first time since she had walked into the room, Shi looked at her in hope. It made her want to do everything she could to make sure that this didn't end badly for him.

“You just told me that you would do anything to protect your brother,” she reminded him, “And when you saw that flame, you knew that he could die. I think you did what you did to protect him. You didn't stop until that boy was dead because, in your mind, he was still a threat. If this wasn't true, you would have attacked those other boys as well. If you had just wanted to fight someone, it could have been any of them, but you focused on that one boy, because he was the one with the lighter. Even after he was dead, he was the only one you hurt. There's a reason for that,” she gave him a kind smile, “I believe you when you say you love your brother. But sometimes, that love can be a curse. Love can make us be kind, but it can also make us do ugly things to protect the ones we love. This isn't your fault, you hadn't meant to fly off like that, but I don't think you had control over yourself at that moment.”

“But if I didn't have control, how can I stop it from happening again?” Shi asked.

“You only acted that way because your brother was in lethal danger. I think, if the situation arouse again, you wouldn't be able to stop yourself again. But I must also remind you that such a situation is rare. I don't think you'll ever do this again, unless you feel that the ones you love are in a danger like that,” she told him, “And it might be possible to control this aggression you've displayed if we can find out why you feel so overprotective of your brother.”

Shi seemed to completely brighten at all of this. He felt something immense release his heart.

“I won't hurt Eirie, then?” he asked, “And… I might be able to stop it?”

Harris nodded.

“With more talks like these, I think we might be able to manage that,” she said.

Shi finally managed to smile at her and continued to wipe at his tears, feeling comfortable enough to also feel embarrassed at her seeing him cry. He wouldn't hurt Eirie… that was all he wanted to hear. And… he had protected him, that was what the doctor had said… so that wasn't evil, was it?

“Feeling better now?” Harris asked softly, realizing the relief that Shi was feeling.

He nodded happily.

“I'll get your parents then, they'll be happy to see you,” she said, standing and starting to make her way towards the door.

“They… they want to see me?” Shi asked in a small voice.

Harris stopped walking and looked back at him in shock. Her expression turned sad.

“Of course they want to see you. Did you think they wouldn't?” she asked, feeling her heart clench.

“I thought… I thought they'd be mad at me… that they wouldn't ever want to see me again,” Shi muttered.

“Your mother has been very worried about you,” she assured him, “All she wants is to know that you're all right, and your father has been demanding to see you ever since you were brought in.”

Shi's smile found its way back and Harris left him like that, hoping that he would be smiling again once she brought his parents to him. Even though he was smiling, she still felt a tightness around her heart. There was more, something that had happened to awaken this rage in Shi that had nothing to do with a school boy with a lighter, something deeper and darker that she had yet to discover. And then there was the issue of what was going to happen to him… she had all she needed to back up her recommendation for the police when they showed up, but would it be enough?

 

 

End Part 5

 

Also, for those that don't watch these things closely, The Road to Kindness has been updated, a lot. Heh. Why do I feel like I wrote a lot lately? I can't even keep track with this stuff anymore.