Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Poisoned Memories: Ghost and Shadows ❯ Chapter 7 ( Chapter 7 )

Poisoned Memories

Story 1: Ghosts and Shadows

 

Author's Notes: My beta and I have decided that, since I finished this only a week after I finished the next part of The Road to Kindness, and she got it betaed one DAY later, this is a sign that the Apocalypse is coming. So, you know, go buy a helmet or something.

 

Part 7

 

 

Shi awoke with a jerk that was so violent, his long and awkward body almost fell off his bed. He could feel that he was covered in sweat, even though it was cold outside. His room was pitch black, too black, but every now and then, there would be a flash of lightning from his window, giving him frightening glimpses of shadows and sharp corners of his room that were unfamiliar and unpleasant when coupled with the darkness. Worst of all, though he knew he had just been dreaming, he could smell that smell from his dreams, thick and metallic, like a handful of pennies. The smell from that day when he had killed that kid, the smell of blood…

Three days had passed since then, but he still dreamt about it, every single night. It was dark, but he could smell that nauseating stench of blood and violence, something that wasn't actually real, but he could put a name to it and recognize it. He could feel his fists hitting something that felt wet and mushy, like mix between raw hamburger and a wet sponge. He would hear screaming then, and would wonder in the way that someone could wonder in a dream, all fuzzy and unsure, if the screaming had been happening all along or if it had just started, then, always at that moment of wondering, he would be able to see. He would look down and realize that it was Eirie whom he had been beating, viciously like a rabid animal, and with that realization would come one that the screaming had been coming from him.

The details would change every now and again, but every night since that day, he had dreamt that he had killed his little brother and once he realized that, he always awoke like this, panting, his heart racing, and covered in sweat. He couldn't shake it, no matter how hard he tried. His parents had forgiven him for what he had done and Eirie didn't even really get why Shi's actions were bad, but Shi didn't think he would ever forgive himself. It didn't really matter how he felt about his actions, though. As long as the people he loved forgave him, he knew that he could survive it. But there was still one person who hadn't forgiven him.

Well, that wasn't fair. It wasn't like Vel blamed him or hated him for what he had done. Truthfully, he hadn't seen the other blonde since that day, during school. After the dead boy's parents had cornered them in the hospital, Shi's parents had become terrified about what would happen to Shi when he went back to school, how his classmates and teachers would treat him. Shi had thought about it at great length, too. He was already teased about his height and his eyes, what cruel things would his classmates say about him being a murderer, too? His father had told him that he had to go back next week, but that a few days away from school would help cool tempers and rumors, but Shi really thought that his father was more worried about his health than what other people thought.

He wasn't angry about it. Shi didn't feel like going back to school. Ever since he had come back from the hospital, he had felt tired. Even when he woke up in the morning or after he had lunch, times when he usually felt energetic, he just felt like he was dragging himself through the day, like how he had been right after his grandfather had raped him for the first time. He had no energy and he wondered if it was because he was so afraid of Vel's reaction to what he had done. He had so much fear in him, fear of his classmates, fear of his grandfather, fear of his parents, and now this, he wondered if his heart was shutting down. It was like the game system he and his brother played with, when it got too hot, you were supposed to turn it off. Maybe that was what was happening to him, he was too sad, too angry, too filled with bad things, so now he was tired and could barely feel a thing.

Shi had never had any reason to enjoy school. That was for boys like Eirie, boys who were good at things and liked to learn. The only things Shi had ever been good at, he didn't need to go to school to do them. As far as he was concerned, time away from school was a blessing. He got to play with Eirie and his parents all day long, watch TV, play video games, whatever he wanted. His parents were acting kind of weird, though. They watched him constantly and bought him things out of the blue. Not big things, but little things like comic books, ice cream, and stuff like that. Things that he loved, but not expensive.

He didn't care for the pricey toys that other kids did like game consoles and shiny gadgets. Shi was just as happy to read his comic books with Eire as he was to play the newest video game. It made him realize that his parents were really worried about him and they were trying to make him happy. It made him feel guilty, remembering what Dr. Harris had said in the hospital and how his mother had held him tight, near tears with knowing that there was something wrong, but Shi was too scared to tell her anything. He tried hard to act like he had before he had met his grandfather, but it seemed like the more he tried to act happy, the sadder his mother and father got.

He tried to do nice things for them, too. When his mother told him to clean his room, he did it without a single complaint. He even washed all the dishes one night while his mother had been on the phone. When she had realized what he had done, she had hugged him tightly and that had felt good, but she was still worried about him. He was trying so hard to make them think that everything was ok, trying not let the darkness inside his heart out, but it snuck up on him all the time. It seemed like the harder he tried not to let it bother him, the worse it made him feel and the more he thought about his grandfather. Cree was coming by on Saturday again and if Shi wasn't so anxious about Vel, he would have been scared to think of what his grandfather was going to do when he found out about what Shi had done.

Shi's father had somehow gotten Vel to agree to bring Shi his homework every day after school. Shi could hear him when he rang the doorbell, talking cheerfully to his parents. Shi's mother had explained to him that Vel's mother had heard about what had happened and refused to let Vel come play with him, so Shi only had those little windows of time to speak to his best friend, but he was too scared to go down and see him. Every day, Shi would think `today is the day' and would feel enthusiastic and confident, but the second the doorbell rang about two o'clock, it felt like his stomach was sinking down into his intestines and he couldn't bear it.

He couldn't stand the thought of Vel hating him, scorning him, and really, he wouldn't blame him if he did. But he missed Vel terribly. Every time he heard his voice, his heart and his head would ache. His stomach would twist into knots and there would be this little voice inside of him screaming to stop being such a chicken, to just go downstairs and tell Vel that he hadn't meant it, to kill that kid, but his fear would rise up and swallow him whole. It had been eating at him since that day, this intense need to see him, to kiss him, to joke around with him again. Why did he have to be such a coward?

Being unable to even talk to Vel made Shi hate himself. It shouldn't be this hard, Vel was his best friend, but admitting to what had happened made Shi feel sick inside. He thought that he could handle it. He just had to make it through the weekend, and then he would know. When Monday came, if Vel was waiting to walk to school with him, then Shi would know he was forgiven and if not… no, he couldn't bear to think of that. Vel was everything. He realized, had realized a long time ago, that he was clinging to Vel just like how he clung to Eirie, but he couldn't help it. Vel could take all those bad feelings and flush them away. When they kissed, Shi didn't think about his grandfather, their deal, or his doubt about his parents' love for him. All he could think about in those moments was how much he loved Vel.

But, the closer that Saturday got, the more that need consumed him. Maybe it was the constant nightmares of killing Eirie, or how utterly tired he was, but Shi felt like he was cracking every time he thought about Cree's upcoming visit. It wasn't anything new, but he suddenly felt worse about it than he usually did. Ever since he had kissed Vel that first time, his feelings of horror about the sex had started to fade. It wasn't that the sex itself was getting any better for his mind and heart; it was that he had Vel's love to balance against it. When he could feel his grandfather inside of him, he just thought about Vel's soft smile and he could bear it.

Now, he felt like he had nothing, that he would not be able to conjure up that image. Vel kept that nightmares at bay, even before he had kissed him and had realized that he was in love, and now that he wasn't here, Shi felt like he was losing his grip. He wanted to see him so badly… he didn't even know where their friendship stood right now… Shi flinched as more lightning arched across the sky, throwing fading light into his room. He could feel the rain hitting his window. It wasn't gentle like it had been when he had gone to bed. It sounded angry, cold and furious as it hit the glass. It sounded like the rain was accusing him of being a coward. Ridiculous as it sounded, every brutal hit of the rain sent spikes through his heart.

`Why am I here?' he thought, shivering in the dark of his room.

He hated being scared. He had stopped being afraid of the dark and things that went bump in the night long before other boys his age, but he had always assumed that it was because he had been too busy easing his little brother out of his own nightmares. He hadn't had many nightmares before Cree had shown up. Shi thought that maybe one of the reasons why his grandfather affected him so much was the power that he had over him. Cree made him scared, unsure of everything. Maybe that was why it was so much easier for him to be angry. Better to be angry and beat down the world around you than to be afraid and let it control you. Though… either way, he guessed he was being controlled. And Vel… Vel made him feel brave.

When he was with Vel, he felt that he could do anything. He had the strength to kiss him, the courage to tell him that he loved him and compared to that, everything else was easy. But when Vel wasn't there, he was afraid again. He couldn't stand it. Shi went to his window, too familiar with his room to stub his toes on anything, and opened the window. He stuck his head out into the blackness of the night, feeling the wind and rain whip at his skin. From his window, he could easily see Vel's and he felt emboldened by a faint light coming from it, probably a flashlight or candle. He was probably asleep, but if Shi saw him now, Vel's mother couldn't stop him.

He could do it, Shi thought. It wasn't that long of a drop from his window to the ground and there was a window under his, so he could climb back up and Vel had one of those weird, white wood, crisscrossed things under his window where vines grew. He could climb up and down that, but would Vel be angry with him if he woke him up this late? For a strange second, two images flashed in Shi's mind, one of his grandfather's eyes and the second the way that boy had looked when Shi had finally come to his senses. He shivered. If Vel hated him, he would find out tonight. It scared the hell out of him and his heart hurt just at the thought of Vel hating him, but he felt that he had to do it this way.

If Vel hated him… he had no idea what he would do, but if he didn't… that would make some of this darkness go away. But more than any of those things, he just wanted to see him, like a siren call. Shi pulled his head back in and stripped out of his pajamas. He didn't want to go back to bed with wet and muddy clothes. Using the walls around him and the sporadic lightning to see what he was doing, Shi put on a pair of black sweatpants and a white tank top. He grabbed a dirty shirt from off his floor, too, and tied it around his waist. He thought about taking a flashlight with him, but he didn't have one in his room and the light might get him noticed. Shi grinned as he thought that he felt kind of like a brave explorer, ready to do dangerous stunts to find some rare treasure.

With that thought in his head, Shi crawled out his window, keeping it open enough that he could get back in, but not wide enough that anyone would think it was strange. He grabbed the ledge with both hands and slid down until he was hanging there, then dropped down and landed easily. The walk to Vel's house took three times longer than usual because Shi had to wait for the lightning to find his way in the dark. The ground beneath his bare feet was wet and muddy; caking his feet in dirt and Shi sunk into the ground a few times, but kept on moving forward.

Climbing up the lattice structure below Vel's window was kind of scary as the wood creaked under his weight, but Shi made it to the top, slipping on the slippery leaves of the vines a few times, and knocked on Vel's window. He had to knock three more times before a face appeared at the window. Through the rain, Shi could see his friend's bi-colored eyes widen in shock and worried that Vel would be so angry at him that he wouldn't even open the window. He realized how stupid this plan was, how easy he could get caught, or fall, but refused to give up. To his relief, Vel opened the window with a shrill, creaking sound, his window a single one where you had to lift the window up to open it while Shi's was a double and opened with a crank and was less noisy.

“What are you doing here?!” Vel hissed, but didn't seem to find Shi's unwanted, just surprising.

“Can I come in?” Shi pleaded, shivering in the cold rain.

Whether Vel pitied him because he was so wet or he didn't mind that Shi was here, Shi wasn't sure, but Vel quickly moved back, letting Shi pull himself up. Shi sat on the window sill, keeping his legs and feet on the outside, and used the spare shirt he had brought to wipe the mud off his feet. He didn't need to get Vel's room filthy. As Shi hopped into his room, Vel looked out the window at the stretch that Shi had climbed, his eyes widening further. Shi's house was long while Vel's was tall, it was impossible to fall from the second story window without breaking your ankle. He shook his head, partly in amazement and partly in disbelief.

“You're insane,” he scolded at his best friend, “You could have killed yourself!”

Shi saw the intense worry in Vel's eyes and couldn't help but grin. You couldn't worry about someone you hated, could you? If he wasn't so cold, he would have laughed in relief. Water from his long hair dripped on the floor and Shi shivered, wishing that he had had a way to bring warm, dry clothes. He realized that he probably looked silly with his golden hair plastered to his skin by rain water.

“I knew what I was doing,” he brushed off Vel's concerns.

Vel shook his head again, studying the other blonde. He had missed Shi so much… he had missed his smile, his carefree attitude, and those gorgeous red eyes of his. His mother was so cold and stern, but Shi was so laid back. He didn't judge people. Even when he didn't feel like smile, he would, just to cheer you up. Without him… Vel's life would be filled with nothing but coldness and he wondered if he would become like his mother, bitter and distant. He suddenly felt overwhelmed by loneliness and sadness, realizing how much he had missed his best friend these last few days, how worried he had been for him. He hugged Shi tightly, not caring that the water was soaking him. He had clean clothes, but no one else to hug like this.

Shi almost fell down as Vel pretty much threw himself at him, his arms coming up automatically to steady the both of them. Vel hugged him like his mother hugged him lately, so tight that it hurt, but a kind of pain that was pleasant because you knew that the person wasn't really trying to hurt you, that the pain was because of how much they loved you. Vel didn't hate him… he was worried, just like his mother and father were. Shi was so cold, from his own loneliness and the rain, but Vel felt wonderfully warm in his arms. He had the sudden, startling thought that he could die like this, in the arms of the one he loved more than anyone else, he could happily die.

Under Shi's hands, he could feel his older friend's shoulders shake. He was crying… Shi couldn't figure out why, what he might have done wrong, so he just kept holding him until Vel stopped and let go of him. Vel wiped at his eyes, pretending that he hadn't been crying at all.

“I… I'll go get you some towels,” he murmured.

Shi watched, worried as Vel grabbed some clothes from his drawer, then fled the room. Vel was strong, and more mature than him, though he was thirteen compared to Shi's ten, but sometimes, he seemed so fragile… Shi easily put all the blame for that on Vel's mother. He wished that, when he grew up, things became less complicated, that he could solve a problem like this just by punching Vel's mom in the face or something, but Shi thought that when you grew up, problems got harder instead of easier.

Out in the hall, walking as quietly as he could towards the bathroom, Vel continued to wipe roughly at his cheeks. He could feel that he was blushing and felt ashamed of himself. He was such a baby! But he couldn't help it. He felt so alone here, in this house, with his mother and little brother. It was stupid. He had lived here for a year, so why did he still feel like a stranger here, like he was locked up in this unfamiliar place. Shi was the only thing that was familiar to him. Even his mother was like a stranger to him. He didn't want to be here. When Shi hadn't shown up at school for the last three days, he had been so scared that Shi wasn't coming back at all. Even when Shi's dad had said he would, Vel had been frightened. His life was unbearable enough, but without his best friend…

Vel didn't dare tell Shi what his mother had been saying about him, about the murder. All those terrible, cruel things… and he had said nothing. He was supposed to be Shi's best friend, was supposed to defend him, but whenever he tried to talk back to his mother, to tell her that Shi wasn't like that at all, that he was kind and wonderful, his throat closed shut. He hated her so much, for the guilt that she constantly made him feel, for shutting him out. Everything he did was a sin, was wrong. So, he tried. He changed and changed and changed so much that he couldn't even remember who he really was anymore. The only time that he could ever be himself was around Shi. It was automatic. He didn't have to second guess his actions and thoughts. When he was with Shi, he didn't think about evil and sin, he just laughed and went along with Shi's acceptance of the world around him.

Maybe that was what was wrong with Shi, though. He was so strained lately, stressed about things that Vel couldn't see. Shi accepted everything around him as it was. It was a great quality to have in a friend, but because Shi accepted everything, he seemed to believe that nothing could change, which was fine when things were good, but what if something had gone bad? What if something bad had happened and Shi believed it couldn't be fixed? Vel couldn't even begin to try to figure out why Shi was acting this way since a year ago, but he wished that he could help him. But if he couldn't even stand up to his mother, how could he possibly help Shi with something that seemed really, really serious?

He hated his mother, but he loved her, too. She was his Mommy, so he had to love her. That was why he tried so hard. He just wanted her to love him, like how she used to love him. Was that such an evil thing to want from one's mother? One of the commandments was `Honor Thy Mother and Father', right? So didn't love count? He believed her, too, about Hell. No one wanted to go to Hell, so it was just easier to change. He thought that he would do anything at all for those two things, to go to Heaven, and for his mother's love. So, sometimes, he truly envied his best friend. Shi's mother was so kind and full of unconditional love and Shi didn't seem so wrapped up in the Heaven and Hell stuff. Vel's Mom would call Shi a heathen for that, but Vel thought that Shi had it better, not worrying all the time.

He just wanted to be a good boy, a good Catholic boy for his mother. So why was it so hard to please her? He didn't want to talk back to her, but he hated her when she said those things about Shi. But still, he couldn't even defend him, because he knew, then, that his mother would never love him. He was pathetic. A worthless friend, ready to turn his back on Shi for his mother's sake. But there was nothing sinful about their friendship, so it was fine… wasn't it? Vel changed out of his wet clothes and into the dry ones, then grabbed the towels, returning to his room. Shi was standing exactly where he had left him, looking morosely at the puddle of water that had formed under his feet, like a puppy who had just been scolded.

“Here,” Vel said, handing Shi a towel and the rest of the clothes he had taken from the drawer.

“I'm just going to get them wet,” Shi said as he put the dry clothes on Vel's bed and started to try to dry his long hair.

“Then you'll have to give them back to me on Monday,” Vel said with a bright smile.

Shi's concerned expression slowly turned into a beaming smile, which almost made Vel laugh. His tall, best friend reminded him of a puppy, loyal and playful, feeling one thing with all of his being. It was like there wasn't any room in Shi's heart for two emotions. When he was happy, he would smile like that, without a doubt in his expression and would make everyone around him feel happy, too. But when he was sad… it made you want to cry. Before he had met Shi, he had hardly smiled at all. It was a nice feeling. But in a way, it just made him feel even lonelier because it made him realize what a hollow person he was.

Shi was his light and when he left, Vel felt like his world was filled with darkness and shadows. It made him realize that he was only really happy when he was with the other boy. What did that say about him? He felt like there was nothing inside of his heart, that his mother's coldness had stolen away any kind of emotion and humanity. When she smiled at Taka, he felt completely isolated. Being with Shi was great, but it made him feel inferior, that Shi could feel so much, but Vel could only feel anything when he was around. When Shi wasn't around, Vel felt like he was walking around without a heart. If his mother could just smile at him like she did at Taka… would he smile and laugh like Shi did?

But even if he could think that, lately Shi had changed. Vel couldn't figure out why, but he had. He still laughed and smiled, but there was something off about it, something that Vel couldn't quite place. It worried him for several reasons. It made him wonder if something like happiness was real, or if you could only have it for a short while before you became like Shi, smiling and looking like he was going to cry at the same time. But Vel still thought a sad smile was better than no smile at all. Even if Shi had something bad in his life, he still had his family. As long as Shi had that, he could smile, he could be happy. Vel just wished he take that darkness from Shi's eyes.

Vel's white skin turned bright red as Shi started to peel off his very wet shirt, giving Vel a brief peak of skin before the older boy turned around, giving him some privacy. Vel felt like he was going to burst into flames as that slight second worth of seeing Shi's naked upper body refused to let go of him. It stayed in his vision even as he looked away, his heart racing in his chest. Shi had no shame at all, just… undressing like that! But why should he? Vel realized. They were both boys, so undressing in front of each other wasn't a big deal. If Shi had been born a girl, it would have been different, but he hadn't, so why did it bother Vel so much? It wasn't like he was disgusted; it was the opposite of that. He had wanted to really look and that wasn't right.

There was something deep inside his heart that demanded that he look back at his friend and then there was a voice in his head that sounded sort of like his mother, telling him that such thoughts were bad. You weren't supposed to look at your best friend's nakedness, even if you had kissed before. Even if you had kissed a lot. Vel clenched his eyes shut, in case his heart got the best of him and he did turn around. He didn't know which voice to listen to, his heart or his head, if it was ok to look or if it was a sin. Then there was that other voice, asking almost accusingly, why it should matter, what the voice in his head said, why it mattered at all to him.

Vel finally turned as he heard a wet splat from Shi putting his soaked clothes on the window sill. Shi looked strange, standing there in his room wearing his clothes. For some reason, it made his heart ache, though that feeling didn't make any sense to him. It wasn't a big deal. Shi's clothes had been wet, so he had offered his own. Nothing significant or important about that at all, so why did his heart feel this way? That feeling grew as Shi sat on his bed and lied down, his long legs hanging off the bed and the tall blonde looked up at the boring, white ceiling. Vel, without a word, sat down next to him.

Shi's eyes slipped closed and Vel studied him, wondering if the red eyed boy would fall asleep. It was late and there were dark circles under Shi's eyes, but Vel knew where they had come from and it had nothing to do with how late it was. Though Shi had attempted to dry his hair, his golden bangs still stuck to his skin. He looked… not cute. Though Shi was only ten years old, Vel still couldn't think of him that way. He was handsome and Vel could very easily see the man that was just waiting to emerge from the boy. Now, in this town, Shi was looked down upon because of his eyes and his height, and now, because of what he had done… but Vel didn't think that would be the case in eight years, when Shi finished with school and would go off to college.

Shi would leave this stupid place and would find a path for himself. People would attract to him, like Vel had done. They would feel at ease with his kind, but strong nature and would smile and laugh with him as Vel did. But these people wouldn't be Vel, they would be complete. They would have nice families, like Shi did; they could smile on their own and wouldn't doubt everything that they did. And Shi would realize that and he would move on. It wasn't just Vel's own doubts and fears, he could just see it happening. Shi wasn't the type to wait for someone to catch up to him. No, he was more like the type to grab the person straggling behind him and pull them along. But Vel wasn't sure if he could be pulled along. The thought of that happening, of Shi moving on, made his insides hurt so very badly.

Vel looked away from him, hating himself for feeling this way. It shouldn't matter to him what would happen a decade from now. Now, right now, Shi was his. That thought almost made him smirk with selfish pride and he tried to dispel the feeling hastily. Pride was a sin, he knew that for sure. You should only feel pride in your love for God, not that your friend only had eyes for you, a smugness against people from a possible future. But the thought filled him with relief. Even if Shi would outgrow him in the future, for now, they had each other. That was enough.

“About what happened…” Shi said suddenly.

Vel looked back at him. Shi's crimson eyes were open, but he was looking at the ceiling again and still not at him. He looked scared, nervous, nearly brimming with anxiety.

“I know,” Vel said quickly, not wanting to hear that sad, hopeless tone.

Hadn't he already told Shi that he would see him on Monday, and that he didn't care about what had happened? Well, he guessed that just because Shi could give him his clothes back on Monday, it didn't mean that Shi thought Vel didn't think the worst of him. He didn't. Shi wasn't a murderer. He had killed someone, but he hadn't meant to. Vel knew that, even if Shi had killed that boy maliciously, Vel would have forgiven him for it anyway. He didn't think that there was anything that Shi could do that he wouldn't forgive him for. Shi looked over at him at his words, for which Vel was grateful.

“Your mother told me what happened,” Vel confessed.

Shi's eyes widened in shock and he sat up.

“Mom told you?” he whispered, not sure if he should be happy or hurt.

Shi trusted his mother to get the facts straight, to not lie or try to make things worse, so it was probably a good thing that she had told Vel what had really happened, but it made him feel weird, almost like a betrayal, but not quite.

“My mom told me that something had happened with you when I got home from school. I'm not sure what she said, or how she had found out so quickly, I guess I kind of freaked and tuned her out. Or maybe I just knew that whatever she said about you was probably gossip or an outright lie,” Vel said.

“You didn't believe her?” Shi asked in confusion, “But she's your mom.”

Vel shook his head. This was something that Shi couldn't understand. Mrs. Matthews was perfect. She loved Shi and Eirie and her husband. She was beautiful, kind, patient, and understanding. No kid in the entire world could wish for a better mother. Vel was quite sure that Shi had never had any doubts about his mother telling him the truth. He probably viewed her words like the words of God, full of honesty and love. There were moments when Vel wished he could just run away from his own mother and live with Shi. He hated himself for those moments.

“My mom hates you,” Vel pointed out, “Your family is Protestant, your mom's a lot younger than her, you swear and play violent video games. You're my only friend and since she won't let you come over here, she doesn't know what we do when we're together, so she settles for thinking the worst. She knows that she can't stop me from being friends with you as long as we live in the same town and we like each other. She thinks you're the worst kind of influence on me.”

Shi nodded along with all of this like he was agreeing with Vel's mother's beliefs, like he could see how he was a bad influence.

“No,” Vel snapped at him, even though Shi hadn't said anything, no longer caring about trying to keep his voice down, “You don't understand! None of that is true! I wouldn't be surprised if she knew that it wasn't true and just wanted me to believe that it was! She just doesn't want me to have friends. She doesn't want me to be happy,” his tone was terribly bitter, but there was a part of him, that same part that still loved his mother, that asked him if he really meant that, if he really believed it.

Shi put a reassuring hand on Vel's arm and the frantic worry in his eyes was enough to soothe the older boy's pain a little.

“Hey, don't say that,” Shi pleaded, the darkness in his heart at his own problems accepting Vel's like it was an old friend, “As long as you don't believe all that stuff, I don't care what she says! I mean, if she's so mean that she would say all that just to keep you from having a friend, then me being a bad influence in her eyes has got to be a good thing! Besides, we're still friends, right? So what she thinks and what she says doesn't matter. What matters is what you think. I can take her hating me, but she shouldn't take it off on you like that.”

Shi hadn't said that he was overreacting or that he couldn't mean that… that Vel couldn't really think that his mother hated him that much, that he was just being childish or immature. Vel was… relieved. It meant so much to him, his friend acknowledging his problem, understanding it. Didn't people get that when you said stuff like that, that they didn't really mean it, what they were really saying was that they didn't have a problem? To just `get over it'? But Shi wasn't like that. He believed him and trusted him.

“Your mother realized it, too,” Vel said softly, “After I heard that from my mom, I ran over to your house, but you weren't there. I think you were at the hospital or something. When I came back later, but your mom said that you were sleeping. She didn't want me to think the worst of you because of something that my mom might have heard. She said that people would gossip and she didn't want me to believe anything but the truth.”

Shi looked at the floor. So Vel knew everything. He knew that he had flipped out, had lost control and had let his rage consume him. That he had killed someone. What was worse, Vel thinking that Shi had killed someone out of spite, or Vel knowing that the person sitting next to him right now had absolutely no control over himself? That he might snap at any moment? Even if Dr. Harris said it was highly unlikely for that to happen, Vel didn't know that. Shi's head shot up at the feeling of Vel's hand on his.

“It's not your fault,” Vel assured him.

Vel's eyes were so kind, there was no accusation in them and it made Shi feel weird, like the air around them was soft and warm. He wanted to kiss him, to hug him. His other hand shook slightly. Just to know that Vel wasn't disgusted in him made him accept what he had done just a little bit more.

“But it is fault,” he murmured, “I killed him…”

“That's not true!” Vel protested, “You didn't mean to do it! You didn't even know what you were doing! You didn't kill him, not really.”

“How can you say that?” Shi demanded, “Even if I can't remember what I did, I know I did it! It was my hands that killed him, my skin covered in his brains and blood!”

Shi seemed to become even paler and Vel worried that his best friend might actually throw up.

“Saying it's your fault, that you should be punished for it, that I should hate you for it, is like blaming someone for breaking a lamp when they were sleep walking. How can you blame someone for doing something when they weren't even conscious of doing it?!”

“This is more than just a broken lamp,” Shi muttered, “I took someone's life from them, I killed someone's kid. How can I move on from that?”

“You just can,” Vel insisted, “Because that's what people do. Either that, or just give up. You can blame yourself forever and destroy yourself, or you could kill yourself. When my mom cheated on my dad and he found out about it, she never forgave herself. She let it eat at her and it ruined everything. I don't want to see that happen to you, too!”

Shi shook his head. He didn't want to be like Vel's mom. But wasn't he already half way there? He had destroyed himself; he just hadn't let it spread to his family and friend. But this was different than what his grandfather had done to him. He couldn't die, couldn't just give up like that. He still had Eirie to protect and besides, he just didn't want to die, didn't want to let this consume him like the rapes had. He didn't have much left to give up anyway. He leaned his body against Vel's arm, loving the feeling of his warmth. If Vel was strong enough to live with his mother, he could be strong enough to live with this guilt.

“I love you,” he said in a soft voice.

Vel almost gasped with the immense happiness that filled him at those words. He knew… he had known for awhile, how Shi felt for him, but it was completely different from hearing him say it. Love… it wasn't just two friends who happened to like to kiss, this was something deeper… That friendship was still there, but there was something lying under it, something intense and hot, something that the both of them were to young and inexperienced to acknowledge. Did this mean that they were boyfriends? Wasn't that wrong? A man should love a woman, right? But he loved Shi and Shi loved him. Was that a sin? He didn't know and at this moment, he wasn't sure if he cared. It was just Shi and him, so it wasn't wrong… God couldn't hate him for these wonderful feelings… could He?

Vel moved his arm and wrapped it around Shi's waist, leaning forward to press his lips against the other boy's. As usual, Shi's lips were warm, though now they were slightly wet from the rain. His heart felt swollen, like it was going to explode with all the feelings filling it. For once, he felt whole and he thought it was the best feeling in the world.

 

*****

 

Angela Collins had always slept well during thunderstorms, a quirk that she had had even as a child. But even so, not even she had been able to stay asleep as the thunder had gotten louder and louder, the storm coming closer and closer. She found herself restless often lately, especially in the dead of night like this. She had spent almost twenty years sharing a bed with her husband in the only house they had ever owned. This bed was smaller than that one. There had been no need for her to sleep in one bigger. Not anymore.

And yet, the bed still seemed too big to her. Even after a year of moving here, it was not home to her. She would often roll over and be shocked out of sleep to find nothing next to her but the edge of the bed. It might have been this that had woken her and not the thunder, but she couldn't be sure. In such situations as these, she had learned a long time ago that trying to find sleep again was impossible, so she rolled out of the pitiless bed and walked to the bathroom. She hated this house, all wood and aged fixtures; they even only had one bathroom. There weren't enough windows and not enough light, though that just meant that she had less to clean.

It was to be expected. When Steven had divorced her, he had somehow managed to take most of the money, too. He paid enough for alimony, but with two growing boys, it was never really enough. And then there was Vel, hanging out with that dirty Matthews boy… even in the lonely hallway, Angela sneered. Now there was a heap of trouble! No doubt Shi Matthews was the kind of boy who would fall into the world of motorcycles, rock and roll, and drugs, dragging her Vel down with him. Not that it mattered. In a way, Steven had been right, Vel was hardly his child. No, Vel had abruptly changed from their first born child into a wild boy that blatantly disobeyed her and messed around with a savage like Shi Matthews. He had turned into her, when she had been cheating on Steven, filled with sin and with no care about it. She easily saw the slut she had been in him.

She had tried to set him straight. He went to church with her and Taka, did the dishes and cleaned his room, said please and thank you like good boys should, but she could still see it in him, her own festering sin. It had started when she had cheated. She had noticed it a little, that her son's hair had been getting long, but when her husband had figured out what was going on, she had forgotten about it. Now that sinful hair was almost as long as the Matthews' and she was sure that troublesome boy had had something to do with that. But no matter what she did, Vel just wouldn't see the light. What he needed was some discipline, but she was weak.

Angela shook her head in irritation as she saw that at some point, Vel had thrown his clothes on the floor. Yes, discipline was exactly what he needed. Why couldn't Vel be like Taka? Her second son was still pure, still innocent, as all children should be. But Vel had changed, teenage-years already corrupting his young soul. What he needed was more prayer and confession that would make him see that how he was acting was wrong, it would set him straight. She shouldn't have sent him to public school, but someplace stricter, somewhere far away from the Shi Matthews of the world. She picked up the clothes, chucking them in the hamper, noting with confusion that they were wet.

What had Vel done now? Had he put too much water in the bath tub? No, that couldn't be it. She had taken her shower after him and the bathroom had been clean then. She shook her head. It didn't make much sense, but she was tired to care. Too tired of this life, of worrying, of watching Vel, of missing her old life…

“You don't understand!”

Angela froze as she heard a pained voice, almost shouting. This late at night, no one should be awake, not even her. If Vel had the television on… she followed the sound of two voices down the hall and quickly realized that the sound wasn't coming from a television, but from her son and someone else whose voice she didn't recognize. The closer that she got to Vel's room, the more her anger grew. How dare he have someone in his room at this hour?! It just reaffirmed everything she thought about her son, that there was no good in him.

“I love you.”

Angela froze just outside of her son's bedroom, putting her back to the wall just by his door, feeling as though her blood was freezing at the sound of Vel's voice. What… what was going on?! She knew that the other voice was a boy's, so how could Vel say that? It must have been a mistake. She had heard it wrong, that was all. But… how could Vel ever say those words with such conviction; such… softness? She had never, ever heard him speak in such a tone, a tone that sounded so adult. Her anger was quickly dispersed by curiosity and shock. She peeked through the cracked door just in time to see her older son kiss…

The fury came back in a terrible wave, sweeping through every inch of her. Her hands curled into fists so tight, her long nails dug into her palms and she cut herself. Blood dripped down her skin and onto the floor, but she didn't even notice it. The only thing stronger than anger in her gut was disgust, utter disgust at watching the two boys kiss like two young lovers would, not curious kids. Like it was… serious. And as they separated, the Matthews boy looked at her son with such a loving expression, she felt like throwing up. That was how a girl was supposed to look at her man, not a boy. How dare they! And in her house… with her baby sleeping innocently a few rooms over… It made her sick.

She would march in there; then they wouldn't have those nasty looks on their faces, that would show them! How could her own son sin like this!

`How dare they do that, look like they love each other even more than Steven and I…?'

No, it wasn't love. It was perversion. It was sickness. Fags went to Hell, but that would take too long… Vel needed to learn now. She would show Shi Matthews the kind of Hell he was headed for… No, that would only cut off one head of this hydra; she would have to cut off them all. She smiled to herself. And she knew how. She knew what Vel needed, what he wanted, and, as his loving mother, she knew how to give it to him. She couldn't fix him, but she could save Taka, she could punish Vel, and more importantly, she would punish that blonde freak that had perverted her son…

“You should go,” she heard Vel whisper to Shi, “The storm's getting worse.”

Angela watched the two of them, her light brown eyes cold and calculating. Shi looked out the window where the rain had started to come down harder and lightning arched over the sky. On the opposite wall, Vel had a poster of some movie that Angela had never seen. Its red color reflected off the window, giving the very strange and disturbing illusion that the lightning itself was a deep red. It made it look like the lightning was made of blood. Shi's eyes had lost that soft quality and he was now studying the lightning with a look that Angela couldn't catalog. If Shi hadn't been a mere ten years old, she would have called it anxious or haunted, as though he thought that the lightning meant something.

“Yeah, I guess so. Though, I might get electrocuted,” Shi said with a nervous laugh that obviously upset Vel.

“Don't say that!” Vel scolded, having a look of doubt, as though he might suggest that Shi stay after all.

`Over my dead body,' Angela thought angrily, hating the concern that her son was showing to the pervert.

Shi opened the window and grabbed his clothes from the window sill. That was when Angela realized that Shi was wearing her son's clothes. She remembered the wet clothes she had found in the bathroom and her insides squirmed. What had they had done?! The worst sort of images came to her. She watched greedily as the hateful boy swung his long legs out the window.

“Be careful,” Vel urged, “Don't slip.”

Shi just grinned at him, then disappeared out the window, Vel sticking his head out and watching him go, not seeming to care about getting wet. When he pulled his head back in, his expression was devastatingly sad. She hated that look on him even more than Vel's concern for his `friend'. She felt like she was looking at a complete stranger, not her son, not her Vel. This was not the quiet, patient, obedient little boy that she had raised. It was like something nasty had possessed him, had taken his form just to spite her. She heard about it all the time on the news, good Catholic mothers finding out that their children were… that way. They always said “that way”, but she knew what they really wanted to say.

Perverse, evil, sinful creatures no better than animals that had turned their backs on God. They lived prideful, diseased lives while their good mothers spent their lives praying for their salvation. It was always the same story, some Godless boy or girl would lead these poor children astray, tainting them, like how the Matthews' boy had tainted her own child. She snorted bitterly. Shi Matthews, with eyes so red, it was as though God Himself had marked him as a warning to everyone, eyes like the devil. She had thought that when she had first seen him, but hadn't wanted to think such a thing about a child.

Vel pulled his window shut and sat on his bed, looking down at the floor. Angela didn't realize it, she couldn't possibly have realized it, but Vel was sitting where Shi had been sitting only minutes before, comforting his sudden intense loneliness with the feeling of his best friend's fading warmth. With his right hand, he clenched his medallion, always hanging around his neck, because it was the most familiar thing in his life, besides his family, but compared to the warmth of the sheets he was sitting on, the gold was cold and hard.

Next to Vel's door in the hallway was a window that looked out onto their yard. Angela watched it to track Shi's movements as he ran back to his house. She almost hoped that a bolt of lightning would strike him down, but to her disappointment, he made it back to his home without even slipping in the mud. Finally, she let her fury consume her and shoved the door open. Vel flinched so hard at the sound of his door hitting the wall amidst the silence between thunder claps that he almost fell off the bed. Vel's heart clamored in his chest at the sight of his mother's cold, severe stare.

She had seen. He didn't need to ask that stupid question. If she hadn't seen him kissing Shi, she wouldn't look so angry. But what if she was just mad that Shi had been in his room so late? He could hope for that. Yeah, he could hope, but it was foolish thinking. As she looked at him like that, like he was a piece of filth under his shoe, instead of her son, for the first time in Vel's life, he was actually afraid of his mother. But… he hadn't done anything wrong, had he? Kissing Shi wasn't bad, it couldn't be a sin. Nothing that felt so right could be a sin.

But then why did his mother look so furious? So disgusted? That was what really hurt. He could take her anger, but her disgust… it made him feel like he wasn't even human. And if kissing his best friend wasn't a sin, then why did he suddenly feel horrible, like he had done something wrong? His body shook in fear, his more primitive instincts screaming at him to run, but he couldn't. This was his mom. She wouldn't do anything to hurt him. Even if she didn't love him like she used to, she wasn't a bad person. Anything she did, she had to have a reason for it. Even if she hadn't been paying a lot of attention to him lately, she still fed him and took care of him.

“How could you?” she said accusingly, her voice almost a low growl.

Lightning flashed through the window and onto his mother's face, her shoulder-length blonde hair, a little bit darker than his, turning white with the harsh light. It made her look old. Old and tired. For a moment, guilt struck him. Had he made her look that way? Had he done something so terrible that he had drained her of her life? He had always believed that the divorce had been his fault. His parents had stopped loving him. The way he looked had put a wedge between them, making his father doubt his mother. If it hadn't been his fault, then his mother and father would treat Taka the same way they treated him. He knew it was true because no one had ever told him differently. He saw kids on TV thinking those same things; that a divorce was their fault, but then their parents would assure them that it wasn't, that they both still loved them. No one had ever said that to him.

“How could you do something so…” Angela couldn't even finish the sentence, feeling choked up in her anger.

“Mom, I just-,” Vel tried to explain, tried to tell her how he felt about Shi even as his throat was trying to close up in fear.

“Shut up!” Angela snapped.

Vel flinched, his fingers convulsively clenching his medallion and cutting his finger on it.

“Do you want to go to Hell?!” she demanded, his voice rising, “That must be it; you want to go to Hell! Kissing another boy… Men don't like other men in that way! It's sick! A perversion! Do you understand?! God will send you to roast in the flames of Hell for this, Vesper!”

“Please don't call me that,” Vel murmured, feeling like his mother's anger was literally stealing away his voice.

He hated his name. Had always hated it, as soon as he had realized what it meant. Morning Star. Bringer of Light. Something pure and beautiful. His father had once told him that they had picked out a different name for him, but when he had been born, his hair had been such a brilliant gold, and both of his eyes had been that color, too, before his other eye had changed when he had grown older. In Elementary School, Vel had had to look up the meaning of his name for an assignment. He had read that `Vesper' meant `Morningstar', and had felt so proud. But under that description had been one word: Lucifer. Ever since then… he couldn't bear to hear his full name.

Both of his parents had brushed it off, saying that it didn't mean anything. His father had later explained to him that once, Lucifer had been a beautiful angel, God's favorite, and that was how he saw Vel. That had been a very long time ago. How fitting was it that now his father couldn't even look at him? It almost made him laugh in bitterness. His father had loved him once, just like how God had loved Lucifer, so maybe the name did fit. Now, seeing his mother like this, it made him remember how concerned she had looked back then when he had told them what his name really meant.

As far as Vel was concerned, he had been blessed when Taka came along. It had been his little brother who had given him the name `Vel', because at the time, he hadn't been able to pronounce his `s's. His mother knew how much his full name bothered him, but right now, she didn't seem to care. Or maybe she was using it maliciously. He winced as his mother grabbed his hair and pulled him to his feet, feeling her long nails scrapping his skin.

“It's because of you that your father left us!” she accused viciously.

Vel looked up at her with wide eyes, hearing his own thoughts echoing back at him, but they were painful coming from his mother.

“He must have seen the evil in you!” Angela ranted, “That's why he wanted Taka, but refused to take you! He knew what you were! He left you with me to punish me!”

“Mommy, please…” Vel begged, tears forming in his eyes.

His heart hurt. It throbbed as though something hard had struck it. How could she say those things? He knew that she didn't love him… but… why did she have to say that? Even if it was the truth, couldn't she let him pretend that it wasn't?

“You're evil,” she hissed at him, “An evil, dirty, perverted little boy! You deserve to go to Hell! I wish that I had never brought you into this world, then this family would have been spared! One less sinful devil in the world!”

Vel started to cry then. He couldn't help it. They just started to roll down his cheeks, fat and hot and wet. Angela's angry glare intensified and she struck him across his face at the sight of those tears. Vel's head whipped to the side and a red bruise started to form on his pale skin, but it only made him cry harder.

“Stop crying!” she demanded, “Why are you so pathetic?! Only girls cry! But I suppose that your kind do also, don't they? Do you think you're a woman now?”

Vel put a trembling hand to his wounded cheek and shook his head violently, trying hard to stop his crying.

“I'm not bad…” he whispered, “Please, Mom, I'm good, aren't I? I didn't do anything bad, I promise…”

Her son's conviction that she had not sinned made her even more furious and she struck him again on the same cheek. Vel backed away from her, his eyes wide in shock at her violence, unable to believe that she had hit him, not once, but twice.

“You're a whore,” Angela said, “Just like your father. So quick to just give me up… he probably had a bitch on the side,” she spat, “So willing to walk into the arms of sin, just like you! I see how that boy looks at you! I know his kind! And you just followed him into perversion, but don't think you can fool me into thinking you're an innocent, little lamb! So willing to walk into the fires of Hell. Is it worth it, Vesper; is that little slut worth being tortured for all eternity?! Is it worth the pain you have put me through?! To see you kiss that bastard?!”

Vel's entire body was shaking in fear and emotional distress. He wasn't bad… he wasn't bad… he had done everything she had ever wanted him to do… every little thing… things he never wanted. He had wanted to play baseball with the other boys, but his mother had wanted him to go to church. So, he had gone to church. Had prayed when he had just wanted to sleep in. Had confessed to things that he never wanted to tell anyone about when he had just wanted to watch cartoons. But it hadn't made her happy. It hadn't made her love him. Worse… he was going to go to Hell? To that place that made all the people in church quake with fear? No… he was just a kid… he hadn't done anything wrong… but his mother had said that he had, and she knew about this stuff, the sin stuff.

God hated him, just like his mother did. Just like his father did. Only Shi loved him. Was that because Shi was bad, too? A saint couldn't love a sinner, right? No… that wasn't right, Shi wasn't bad. He loved him, too… but that was a sin… Vel was vaguely aware of a sharp pain in his head from his rapid, swirling thoughts. It felt like there was a storm in his head and in his heart. Was his mother right? Had he been taking a one way path to Hell ever since he had met the other blonde boy? Or was it Shi's fault? Had Shi intentionally led him astray? Even if it wasn't intentional, Vel knew that he never would have disobeyed his mother and now he was, because of his feelings for another boy.

Being with Shi was bad. Loving him was bad. So, he was bad, and he was going to burn forever for it. But how could he stop? Every time he saw Shi, his heart burst with happiness and love. But if he loved Shi, then his mother would never love him. He didn't want to be the kind of man that women like his mother would look down upon, would secretly laugh at and hate when they thought he wasn't looking or listening. Maybe Shi could take that, but he couldn't. He loved the other boy, but… but… one day, Shi would outgrow him. He would find someone else to love. Shi was like that, always full of life, but Vel had nothing. Shi had his family and a future, but all Vel had was his mother. If he didn't have her love, then what did that turn him into? He didn't want to feel this way for the rest of his life.

His heart was splitting in two. He loved Shi. And he loved his mother. He wanted to be a good boy, but he didn't want to be alone. Then, a horrible thought dawned on him. If he was going to Hell, then so was Shi. His heart twisted in fear and self-loathing. He wouldn't let that happen to either of them. He couldn't, could he? If he did, it would just be because of his own selfishness, because he couldn't give up the one ray of sunshine in his life. But if he did, Shi would be saved and Vel would get what he had been wanting for a very long time. Vel looked up at his mother, his tears stopping, but still feeling like he was crying somehow.

“I don't want to go to Hell,” he whispered, “I don't want to hurt you and Taka anymore. I'll do anything…”

The anger melted from Angela's face. If anyone else had been there, they would have seen a sinister expression of triumph replace that anger, but Vel only saw a softened, loving expression. The expression of a real mother. She knelt on her knees in front of him, kissing his reddened cheek. It hurt, but Vel didn't care. It was the first time she had kissed him in many, many years. His mother held him tightly and he rested his head on her shoulder, but instead of feeling comforted in her embrace, he felt cold inside. He couldn't understand why.

“Oh, Vel,” she soothed, “You are a good boy, aren't you? Yes… that boy must have led you astray… But that's his fault, not yours. I'm sure that, if you sever all ties to him, everything will go back to the way it was before. We must punish the sin, not the sinner, as the good book says. If you do that, you will surely save yourself.”

Vel knew that he should feel relief at her words. There was still hope for him. He didn't have to go to Hell. He could make his family better again. But he didn't feel anything. There was a sharp pain in his chest, but that was all.

“If I do that,” he whispered in a pained tone, “Will-”

`You.'

“-God love me again?”

He felt his mother nod.

“Of course He will,” she said softly, “Of course He will. You'll do it, won't you?”

It sounded more like an order than a statement to Vel. He could feel tears streaming down his cheeks again and he knew that his mother could feel it, too, with the way that they were wetting her shirt, but she didn't hit him for it this time. His heart felt like it was cannibalizing itself, eating and twisted and decayed. He wanted to scream, scream, and scream. There was something sick inside of him, but he didn't think it had anything to do with this sin that his mother had told him about. It was different than that. He felt like this might be what it felt like to die.

“Yes.”

 

 

 

End Part 7

 

 

Ugh, I just depressed myself. It's a good thing Incubus is next. I need something less dark and stifling. And the next part of Poisoned Memories is going to be, like, a thousand times worse.