Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Pop is Dead ❯ Prologue

* warnings: extreme stupidity, lack of plausible plot, outrageously bad ending *

Treize Krushrenada knew a good pair of platform shoes when he saw them. In fact, it was his elevated physical stature that helped to ensure his place among OZ's Most Eligible Bachelors, four years in a row. Few people knew his secret.

Come to think of it, most people thought Treize was dead.

Wufei had a very sour expression on his face, and he came tromping over to the mirror with his shoulders hunched and his arms folded.

"Ehhhxcellent," Treize cooed, and he tapped his white-gloved fingertips together. "You look most becoming. We cannot fail in this mission."

Treize and Wufei were competing together in the Miss Adorable Uranus pageant.

"Why do I have to wear the dress?" Wufei grumped. "Since when am I some kind of whiny little uke? It's not fair!!" He stomped his tiny, glittery, strappy heels.

"Height rule, darling," Treize said, waving a hankie around for effect. "Number one rule of homosexual coupling." He stood taller and put his hand upon his chest. "Centuries of tradition stand ready to fall; do you have the desire to overthrow them, Chang Wufei? can you bear those consequences?" One long eyebrow twitched dramatically.

"Do I even have to answer that?"

"Plus the age rule," Treize pouted. "Age rule is super-important too."

"No wonder there's so much confusion with those two," Wufei pondered. "Heero and Duo, same height, same age... How do they decide?"

"I said no." Heero glowered at the road ahead. He tricked me. The little fucker *tricked* me. I am going to make him pay...

"It's on the way! It's totally on the way. Besides, I'm driving. Hehe..." Duo twisted the steering wheel quickly and slid his boyfriend's favourite built-from-a-kit-by-hand car around a couple of old farts going 10 miles over the speed limit. "Watch this Heero. Remember how this bridge is always icy by this time of night?"

Heero shut his eyes. "I can't believe you tricked me into coming to this pageant. Next thing you're going to tell me you've entered us into it." There was no reply, just the squealing of the wheels as Duo tried to hydroplane over the bridge for fun. "And then, you're going to say that you have an outfit for me. And you're going to make me wear something involving chains, or pantyhose-" his words were momentarily inaudible as a passing semi blared its horn at the swerving car "-and I was just getting to the good part in that damn Harry Potter book, it's your fault for making me read the first one, you knew about the addiction microchip that's loaded in those things."

"Oh, we have a very good reason for competing," Duo smirked, "I hope you remember a certain challenge that took place on the Maguarnacs' casino satellite last summer, hmm?"

Heero's lip twitched. A hazy memory danced before his eyes, a memory involving monkeys, and a flying carpet, and Duo puking in a potted plant, and lots of Maguarnacs laughing at him. Little glimmery lights began to twinkle, and a curtain was pulled back over a stage, where Treize Krushrenada was curled up in a pooling cloak of black sable. The coat was thrown aside and Wufei emerged from between Treize's pale thighs, coated entirely in shimmering body paint. "Now that's worth the sack of sheckels to get in the door!" some Maguarnac goon crowed loudly. The haze descended once more on the memory, something about Heero and Duo waking up surrounded by monkeys and possibly in a cage.

"He'll be there." Heero held up his hand and clutched and unclutched his fist. It made him feel all comfy and secure, like he was blowing up his Gundam and killing himself and hopefully everybody in the vicinity too.

"Krushrenada," Duo nodded happily. "Except I think he entered under his married name, Chang Yum-Yum. Come on babe. I know you want to kick his sorry ass one last time."

"Wouldn't mind making that bitch Wufei cry either," Heero snarled.

"That's the spirit! Aw dang, my hair's caught in the door, not just the window." There was a loud screeching of tires and a fiery explosion as five cars around them careened into one another, trying to avoid Duo and Heero's vehicle. Duo shut the door again and put his hands back on the steering wheel and his eyes back on the road. "All righty then. Little Miss Uranus, here we come!"

Quatre Raberba Winner had on a top hat and bow-tie for the event, and the petite blonde sat in a folding chair by the main entrance to the club, greeting patrons. "Welcome, welcome," he said with a beaming smile, putting one small hand on top of the one being shook. "We have some complimentary thirst-inducing snacks tonight, please help yourself and don't forget to pick up your ballot!" There was a dull thud as somebody forced their way to the head of the line by knocking over an elderly patron and walking over his carcass.

"Weiner-chan! I love your outfit! Hug?!?"

"Dorothy, how lovely to see you again," Quatre trembled, and he stood up and let her rub her hard, pointy little tits all over his body. She squeezed Quatre's ass cheek and tapped his shoulder affectionately with her fencing sword. It should perhaps be noted at this point that aside from the bow-tie and top hat, Quatre was also wearing a thong and ballet slippers.

"Still dating that Barton person?"

"I'm afraid so," Trowa said calmly, and he steered Quatre away from the tall young woman. "If you'll excuse us, we have some details to take care of backstage."

"It's been a real pleasure," Quatre squeaked. Trowa marched him away. Dorothy's lip quivered. According to the height rule, she had just as much right to that little blonde whore as clown-boy did. She smoothed her long eyebrows into fetching curlicues and hauled her date, Relena Peacecraft, into the club.

Trowa ushered his partner into the manager's office and shut the door. "Babe. What is going on?"

Quatre turned bright pink in several places. "You have to be kidding me! Trowa! I am not at all attracted to her! Those weird stories you found on the computer were ALL LIES!"

The taller brunette's shoulders shook slightly as he sat in the leather chair. "No, no... I know how much you like to take it up the butt. It hadn't even crossed my mind. What I was asking you about are these last minute entrants. There's something funny going on here."

Quatre parked himself on Trowa's lap. "God I love it when you talk dirty."

"Quatre..." Trowa smiled at the cute blonde. "Don't try to distract me. It's Heero and Duo, isn't it? I mean, who else would sign up as Shiny Shiny, Shiny Boots of Leather?"

"Lots of people have a leather fetish," Quatre said, and he straddled Trowa's lap and snuggled into his lover's chest. "Just like some people are into clowns."

"You make everything sound so filthy, how is that possible?" Trowa kissed Quatre's willing lips. "You look so innocent, but you're so totally, completely, unbelievably perverted..." He slid Quatre's thong to one side and inserted a finger into his boyfriend's ass.

The blonde sucked on Trowa's neck and bit his ear. "I didn't say anything perverted, babe, you just have a dirty mind... and a really hard cock..." All thoughts of Dorothy Catalonia and her pointy little tits evaporated as Quatre pulled Trowa's dick out of his pants.

There was an unpleasant exchange before the contestants took the stage for their introductions.

"Do you really think you have a chance with those tired old rags?" Treize tittered. "That looks like something out of history class!" He dusted his Napoleonic epaulets and put his snuff box back in his pocket. "Come, Wufei. To the new millennium!" Treize took one small step for mankind and face-planted on the floor.

"Wow, I'm really sorry," Duo said with a big grin on his face. "This thing just has a mind of its own sometimes." He slid his enormous, blood-stained metal scythe back out of the way.

"For your information," Heero snarled, "these are not our costumes. I just happen to be wearing the same spandex bicycle shorts and tank top today."

"Hmm, very intimidating," Wufei said, adjusting his tiara. "Didn't you learn anything from our last encounter? Or do you need to spend some more time with your fellow simians?" He strutted over and looked down his nose at his fellow pilots. "Hmm, and wouldn't you know, according to the height rule you're both my bitches." His big brown eyes narrowed hungrily.

"Honey, I think we need to go now," Treize said worriedly, and he took Wufei by the arm and swept him away. He turned his head around at the last minute and stuck his tongue out at Heero and Duo.

"Oh, we are going large," Heero said, narrowing his blue eyes at their backs. "It is on, girlfriend." He snapped his fingers and jerked his head back and forth. Duo blinked at him and began to suck his thumb.

Dorothy was already drunk by the time Treize and Wufei came on stage, and got thrown out of the club for heckling and throwing peanuts. Meanwhile, Relena got trapped in the ladies' room with a giant rugby player named Mary Sue. The sounds of her screams were muffled by the loud disco music playing in the club. Quatre descending from the ceiling on a golden wire, having added little angel wings to his get-up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I hope you're ready for our last two contestants!" Loud hooting and hollering ensued, and Quatre could have sworn he saw some Maguarnac hats in the back row. "All the way from the recycling plant on a rock that used to be the L5 colony" - there was more hooting - "shout out to my homies from the L5!" - Quatre could have sworn he heard a monkey shriek - "it's my pleasure to introduce: Master Bates and his Chinese Love Snake!"

"Thank you, thank you," Treize bowed. He marched on stage and snapped to a stop, clicking his heels together and saluting. He began to march in place and shouted at the audience. "Are you ready to ruuuumble...!!"

"Oh, this is just putrid," Heero observed. "Are you with me this time, Duo?"

Heero's boyfriend tossed his long braid over one shoulder and snapped his leather gloves on. His expression was savage. "If we lose to them again, it's going to be me this time detonating the place."

"But I thought we were going to detonate the place either way," Heero pouted.

"Oh, cheap trick," Duo snarled, "look... I didn't know we were allowed to perform oral sex. He's swallowing Krushrenada's sword!"

Heero's laugh was hollow and bitter. "We'll just have to step up the special effects on our end then." He strapped several camouflage-covered packs around his thighs and roped ammunition around his upper body.

"Here... hold still. Look up. Don't sneeze!" Duo lined Heero's eyes with black kohl and then he backed him against the wall and kissed him passionately. "Heero," he sighed, "whatever happens, you know that I love you."

"Babe. If you keep rubbing against me there, it really is going to explode... the wick got sorta chewed up, I need to replace it..."

The audience was stamping their feet and going wild. Duo and Heero eyed each other. This was it. The moment of truth. Heero grabbed Duo's hand and pulled him in for a quick peck on the cheeks. Duo's heart swelled.

"Wow, that was incredible! I've never seen two humans do that before! Come on, give our snake charmer and our sword swallower another hand!"

"Traitor," Heero snarled.

"Quatre always liked to please everybody," Duo said, pursing his lips thoughtfully.

"What could possibly top that, ladies and gentlemen? Oh, why thank you... a gift from somebody outside the club? How sweet... somebody please take this away immediately and flush it down the toilet, make sure it's dead first ... Our last act of the evening, the sweet symphony of hard leather striking soft bare flesh-"

"Did you write this?" Heero peered at Duo, who blushed lightly.

"Err no. I told you. Quatre's a people pleaser."

"I give you ... the twin demons of death ... the Shiny Boots of Leather!"

The lights in the building went out and the audience began to mutter anxiously. Just when Trowa was going to go and see if the fuse box had been tampered with, there was a blinding explosion of light, and the melodious strains of Miyavi played over the speakers.

Duo stood in the centre of cascading fireworks, the golden highlights in his long hair shining. Fake blood dripped from fake welts all over his chest and stomach. His ankles and wrists were decorated by tightly wound rough ropes, his hair was loose and his expression wild and animalistic. "Nooo!" he screamed loudly, and dropped to his knees. "No, no more, please, no more!"

The audience clapped politely, and somebody, probably a Maguarnac, put both fingers in his mouth and whistled.

"Betrayers!" Heero shouted, marching on stage with machine guns in both hands. There was a bit of mumbling and jostling and are those things real? from the crowd. "Whores of OZ and Romefeller!"

"No more war!" Duo rocked back and forth. "It keeps raping my ass and it hurts to shit! How can we end this war, o saviour of the colonies?"

"Easy..." Heero ripped off his shirt, displaying the explosives strapped all over his body. "We blow up the whole motherfucking club!"

There was a mad scramble for the door, and somebody, probably a monkey, threw a banana at the stage.

Duo laughed maniacally and pawed all over Heero's bulging crotch and thighs. "Do it, do it, kill everybody! Everybody! Everybody! DIE!!!!"

Their music switched over to a Britney Spears track and Heero and Duo prepared to do their pop-lock choreography, but discovered that the place was empty.

Heero frowned and picked up the mike. "Um, hey? That was just the first part of our act. It's a trilogy... kind of a symbolic tribute and.. .we worked kind of hard on it for the last ten minutes..."

Duo lay on his back on the stage and played with the fake blood all over his nude body. "Ooh, sticky."

"We either won, or we lost," Heero squinted. "I'm not exactly sure. One thing is certain."

"We're going to have a gratuitious sex scene now?"

"Well that, and also ... he is still out there somewhere."

Maybe closer than you think... shorty... Wufei chuckled.

Heero carefully stacked his explosives, grenades, bullets, machetes, squeezy stress-relieving alien head, and his Swiss army knife on a chair. Duo sat patiently and ran his hands all over Heero's back, squeezing and rubbing his boyfriend's smooth skin.

"Right on stage good for you?" Heero asked. "Oh wait, look who I'm asking."

Duo laughed and tossed his hair girlishly.

He's gotta be the uke, Wufei thought feverishly. I knew it. Heero is all man, just like me.

"I hope you didn't forget the lube in your little pack," Duo cooed, running a finger down Heero's belly. "We wouldn't things to get too rough..." He licked Heero's mouth and began to kiss his way down.

Heero looked around warily and then laid back, cramming his shirt under his head for comfort. He spread his legs and let Duo suck and lick his penis. He loved his boyfriend's long hair; it swept over his stomach and thighs like silk, but it tickled where the very ends touched the skin. Duo yanked it out of his way and relaxed his jaw, swallowing Heero's dick and working it with the muscles in his throat.

Ukes deep throat, Wufei nodded, definitely a hallmark of the uke.

Duo bobbed his head up and down and then he held Heero's hard cock at its base and slurped loudly on the tip. Heero groaned and spread his legs further apart. "Oh that's good," he said, "oh Duo... mmm, don't stop..."

Hush! Wufei frowned. Semes aren't supposed to talk during sex! Unless it's something butch like *spread it whore* or *quit crying you slut*.

"You want more?" Duo sucked on his fingers, sitting on his haunches, and then to Wufei's horror, he slid them into Heero's ass. Duo resumed sucking cock, playing with Heero's ass at the same time, and the dark-haired pilot started to writhe and trash around like a bitch in heat. Wufei frantically tried to figure it all out. Just when he thought he had it all fixed in his mind, how Duo was an "uke-acting seme" and Heero a "seme-acting uke," he saw Duo straddle Heero's lap and slide himself on to his boyfriend's dick.

Oh, I give up. Those two obviously have not read the handbook.

Duo leaned over on top of Heero, groaning. "Ohh, Heero," he flung his head back, riding his lover, grinding his ass down and jacking himself off wildly. "Oh fuck!"

"It's like he's in charge, but it doesn't make any sense, wah, Treizie, I'm confused," Wufei rested his head on his wife's chest.

"Ah, Duo, oh... Yeah... harder..."

Treize dusted off his epaulets again. "It would appear that your young friends have abandoned all sense of decorum. I am outraged. Come, Wufei. Let us retreat to our underground lair."

"But we don't have-"

"Come, Wufei."

Relena came staggering out of the bathroom. "I'm never going online again."

Heero kissed Duo and hugged him close. "You know, it was my turn to get fucked."

"Was not."

"Was so. You owe me two now." They shared another kiss and then resumed squabbling.

"I guess you guys win by default," Quatre announced hesitantly. "We fleeced everybody on the entrance fee, so we made plenty of money even though we were hoping to sell more over-priced, watered-down drinks."

"I don't know if the Adorable Uranus competition has ever successfully been completed anyway," Trowa commented drily. "Last year there was a monkey fight and all hell broke loose."

"Hell..." Duo whined. "I miss my Helly poo."

"It is a hollow victory," Heero said, pacing the stage. He clenched and unclenched his fist a few times, and Duo was really super-glad he'd already disconnected the detonating device. "KRUSHRENADA!" Heero bellowed. "Come back here and fight like a man!"

"Don't worry babe," Duo purred, sliding his arms around Heero's chest. "There's always the Sweet Baby Pleiades competition. All we have to do is find some oversized lollipops, some slouchy socks, and a parasol, and we're in like Flynn."

"Yes, and more fake blood," Heero's eyeball twitched.

"We'll get you Chang Yum-Yum!" they declared as one, fists raised to the heavens. "And your little Wufei too!"

the end? ~_^

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