Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Post Mortem Ceremony ❯ One-Shot

I really hate funerals. I hate hearing about funerals, I hate going to funerals, and I have instructed my family that if they dare to give me a funeral when I die I will haunt their collective asses for eternity (not my exact words but you get the idea). All I want is a small memorial service where someone will sing "Kaze no Uta" from Fushigi Yugi, after which my ashes will be thrown in the eyes of all my former enemies MWUAHAHAHA!!

WARNINGS: OOCness, somewhat sacrilegious as it mocks the so-called sanctity of a funeral (although I wonder about that sometimes considering how some of my brothers and sisters in New Orleans do their funerals…), and ranting; but you must've been expecting that considering whose funeral this is.

Additional Note: The inspiration for this fanfic came from the first episode of Yu Yu Hakusho, an old Gundam Wing/Sailor Moon crossover fic, and an odd conversation I had with a friend of mine about whether or not you were forced to attend your own funeral after you died.

Okay enough of that. Time for the real fun!

Post Mortem Ceremony

By Kaori

Chang Wufei was pissed off; being dead might have something to do with it…

The translucent winged girl hovering next to him giggled.

Okay… scratch that… it had everything to do with it. If he wasn't dead this wouldn't be happening right now. The girl had stopped giggling and was now rolling around in mid-air laughing her head off. "ONNA! THIS IS NOT FUNNY!" Wufei yelled at her. The girl just glanced at him and started cracking up again. "Injustice…"

"The only injustice here is that we missed the first twenty minutes of your funeral because you refused to believe that you're dead!" The girl laughed. "And how many times do I have to tell you not to call me onna? My name is Isharo!"

"You're still an onna."

"And you're still dead."

"Urusai! Why don't you take me to the afterlife or whatever and be done with it?" Wufei growled.

"Because you have to attend your own funeral. It's the rule."

"More like cruel and unusual punishment."

"Ssh! Trowa's about to give the eulogy."

"Good. At least I know Barton will honor my memory. If I ever find out who let Relena sing a solo I'm going to spend the rest of my afterlife kicking their ass once they die."

Trowa had taken his position at the podium overlooking Wufei's casket. His face was as expressionless as always with the exception of his eyes. His eyes were shimmering with unshed tears and his shoulders were shaking. He stood like that for a good fifteen seconds before bursting out into raucous laughter…

"I'm sorry!" Trowa snickered, trying to get himself under control. "Hoo… let me try that again."

"BARTON!!!" Wufei roared. Isharo covered her ears.

"Damn, those guys are lucky they can't hear you." She muttered as Wufei screamed obscenities in every single language he could think of. Wufei stopped mid-rant to glare at her.

"Well, ranting when no one can hear you kind of defeats the purpose."

Trowa had finally calmed down enough to speak so now he was giving the eulogy. "Wufei…" Trowa began. "Wufei was…well a pain in the ass." Various degrees of agreement come from the congregation. "I mean let's face it, between him and Heero…" There was the sound of a gun cocking but Trowa ignored it. Heero knew damn well if he shot him, Quatre would cry even more than he was now and Heero'd never hear the end of it from Duo who would have to console the blonde. "…we hardly ever got to have any fun. Although the fights he had with Duo were very entertaining and I shall miss them." Wufei blinked at that.

"What?" Isharo asked.

"I think I'm going to miss those fights too." Wufei said. "Making Maxwell run for his life was one of my favorite things to do."

"You're demented."

"I'm dead and I'm being forced to watch my own funeral, I think that gives me the right."

"And he was always ranting about something." Trowa continued. "I think that, more than the constant belittling of women, annoyed the hell out of everybody else. The guy would not give it a rest. It was always `Injustice!" this and `Nataku' that and `Omae wo korosu!' No wait…that's Heero…" Again the sound of a gun cocking. "All right, Heero I'll stop. Put the gun away you're scaring the priest. Anyway, I suppose I will miss Wufei… despite the fact that he was a raving lunatic." Trowa stepped down from the sanctuary and went back to his seat. The priest then asked if anyone had anything they wanted to say before they began the procession to the gravesite.

"I've got something I want to say!" Someone piped up.

"Somebody kill me now…" Wufei moaned, then made a face. "Oh wait, I'm already dead. Damn. Why did cousin Ho of all people have to be away from the colony when it blew up? WHY??!!!" Wufei's cousin, Ho Ren., walked up to the casket and scowled at it.

"Why'd you have to die like that, huh?" Ren said accusingly. "Why couldn't you have died honorably like the elders did, or it least live to a respectable old age and then die. But nooo… you had to be a liu mang (1) and get run over by a truck carrying ladies' undergarments!" he sighed dramatically. "Oh the shame… the dishonor…"

"He acts like I did it on purpose."

"You were always a disappointment. First you dishonor us by running out at your own wedding, then you bring even more shame by fighting in the Marimeia army, and now this. At least you won't be able to bring any more dishonor to your family." And with that he went back to his seat.

"I shouldn't be surprised." Wufei said to Isharo. "Ho Ren never has anything good to say about anybody, but it still hurts."

"There's one in every family." Isharo shrugged. "But most have the decency not to say things like that at a funeral. It looks like Duo has something he wants to say."

"Oh joy…"

"Wufei," Duo said. "I'm going to miss you. I'm honestly going to miss you chasing me around, waving your sword at me, and screaming about how many pieces you were going to chop me into once you caught me. I'm going to miss you falling asleep on the couch with a book on your face, and I'm going to miss the bantering. I'm going to miss you but I'm not going to cry… I'm not going to cry because I can't."

"Wow. That's the nicest sentiment anybody's given you through this entire funeral." Isharo stated. Wufei nodded, touched at Duo's little speech.

"I can't cry until I stop laughing about how you got killed!" Duo snickered. "Seriously, it's got to be one of the most ironic deaths in history!"

"MAXWELL!!!!" Wufei screamed. Isharo started cracking up again.

"And I still haven't figured out how that lacy, pink bra managed to land right on your chest; perfectly positioned no-less. Anyway man, I'm glad that for once, you were able to make me laugh. Even if it was the first, last, and only time. Catch you on the flipside Wu-man!" and he left the podium laughing for all he was worth.

"I'm dead and still he mocks me!"

"You realize this is karmic revenge for having that stick up your ass for most of your life." Isharo snickered.

Nobody else got up to say anything so the four remaining Gundam pilots, Zechs, and Sally Po (because they couldn't find another guy) prepared to carry the casket to the graveyard outside.

"I would like to leave now." Wufei said, wearily.

"Yeah okay. You're not required to stick around for when they bury you. Besides, now that the ceremony is over, it's time for you to meet your ancestors so they can rant at you and whatnot."

"Wonderful." Wufei deadpanned. "Will I ever get a moments peace?"

"That is entirely up to you." Isharo said cryptically. "For the time being though, you're going to have to put up with your relations." And she grabbed Wufei's hand and dragged him to his final reward.

~Owari~

1) The standard curse/insult in Mandarin Chinese, I think. I don't speak Mandarin but my Chinese friend is always yelling that when he gets upset. The spelling is phonetic.