Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Promise To An Angel ❯ Contemplations ( Chapter 1 )

Disclaimer: I don't own the Gundam boys. I am only playing with them for a bit. If you have any questions or comments feel free to email me at bhollan2@hotmail.com

WARNING: DARK!!! ANGST FILLED. Death of a major character, possibly even two major characters. I so can't believe I did this. Really I never thought I would be one to do this but, I was in a major league depression when I wrote this and I think it is reflected in my writing. I hope no one is offended and if you are please keep it to yourself. Thanks.

This is also a Yaoi fiction, so if you don't like that type of thing then please do not read. I will not accept any flames for this fiction. Not telling pairings. You'll have to guess. ^_~

Rating: NC-17

Dedicated to my cousin, Lone Wolf who passed away in January. I will always think of you as my guardian angel. With Special Thanks to Winter Skye who helped proof this for me. You're the best. ^_^

Promise To An Angel

By Wildfire's Flame

Standing alone in a steamy hot bathroom, surrounded by mist, a boy, barely a man really, contemplates the items he has laid out in front of him. Glancing up, the boy peers into the depths of the normally shiny mirror that is reflecting a hazy image back to him. Angrily, he takes a towel to wipe away the condensation on the mirror, and then shudders as he sees his ashen and sunken face staring back at him. Dark circles mar the skin beneath the normally vibrant, intense eyes. Pale well-muscled abdomens are clearly defined in the mirror. Lazily, the boy trails a hand down over his chest, stopping when he reaches the white towel that is about his waist. The towel begins to slide down his slender hips causing the boy to irritably jerk the towel back up. Glaring at himself in the reflective glass, he frowns, shifting his attention to the inanimate objects in front of him as he carefully commences picking them up one by one.

A razor, its blade brand new and shiny. The bite of it sharp as he lays the blade against the fair skin of his wrist and gently pushes in. A single red welt appears and the boy blinks in mild surprise. He hadn't really expected the razor to do much damage, anyway. Shrugging, he shakes his head and tosses the razor into the bathtub. It would never do. They would find him before he could finish his task.

He knew Quatre would especially be wondering what was going on with him. The blond always could tell when something was wrong, and things were definitely wrong now. It would only be a matter of time before Quatre figured out who he was feeling and what they were planning. He had to be gone before that happened. He had to be. He just couldn't take the stress anymore. The kind looks, the sympathy he saw in everyone's eyes. It was killing him.

Picking up the next item, he frowned thoughtfully before shaking his head. He didn't want to sleep as taking a whole bottle of the little blue pills would make him do. He just wanted to die. It was that simple and yet not . . . Idly, he decided what the hell? It certainly couldn't hurt him any more than he was already. Popping open the tab, he poured a handful of the small potent drugs into his trembling hands.

Wait a minute? Trembling? What does that mean? I'm not afraid of Death. I've danced with it many a times but yet, I hesitate. Why? What could possibly be holding me back? But I know. I really don't want to cause more grief as my death will undoubtedly trigger. Poor Quatre, first he finds Duo murdered in one of our supposed 'safe houses' and then he had to tell me about it. I think it nearly broke his heart to do so. I don't know if I can bear to have him go through it again. But I am so miserable and so alone. Duo left me all alone . . .

A few tears slide down over my sunken cheeks. I don't even notice them as I am too busy tossing back the small blue pills. I don't take many; I know that is not how I really want to die. I'm not one for going out without a sound. I need excitement. I thrive on it. Funny, I know I won't be thriving for much longer . . .

My vision is already beginning to swim. I guess maybe I took more of those pills than I thought. I am not even sure what they were, all I know is that Duo used to take them. They were his once upon a time . . . I miss him. Can you tell?

Grimly, I shake off the awkward dizziness and pick up the long thin sharp knife that I typically hide in my boots. Holding it up, I let the light from the bathroom shine on its gleaming blade. It seems to wink at me as if it is the right choice, but I know it is not. Quatre would hear me screaming long before I died if I went that way. Oh, I know what you are thinking. But yes, I would too scream. I bleed just like everyone else and I can die just like my lover did. So I am very capable of screaming even if it might only be in my own mind . . .

Lightly and almost reverently, I run the sharp blade over my skin, causing several shallow cuts which I ignore. Blood doesn't faze me anymore. I have seen too much of it already in this war including the blood of my braided lover.

I sigh as I think about him. He was so full of life and energy and hope. He was my reason for surviving this far, though I never told him . . . I didn't want to give the boy an even bigger ego than he already had. He could be damn near impossible at times . . . but that was why I was in love with him. I don't think I ever admitted that to him. Sure we had mind numbing, knock your socks off, soar you to the far reaches of the galaxy, sex but love? That was the one subject we never broached, probably because of our hope that if we didn't admit to it existing then it wouldn't hurt as bad if something did happen to one of us. We were wrong, and now it kills me to think that I never will get to tell him. My Shinigami is gone, all but forgotten.

You know he died protecting me and the others? Yeah. After Quatre found him that miserable winter afternoon, I kind of went into shock. I couldn't think, I couldn't hear. My whole body was totally numb and in denial. He couldn't possibly be gone. He wouldn't leave me behind, but he had. He had no choice. His shell of a body couldn't contain his spirit any longer. Sometimes I sense him. I think he is near right now, but I digress . . .

TBC . . .