Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Pull Up For The J! ❯ If I Ain't Got You ( Chapter 36 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Manga-Chick 
There are never endings...just beginnings...and COLLEGE!
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Hentai | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 09.21.2005 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.7K | Visits: 288 | Status: Completed
There are never endings...just beginnings...and COLLEGE!
Anime/Manga: Gundam Wing Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Drama / Hentai | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 09.21.2005 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.7K | Visits: 288 | Status: Completed
Pull Up For The J!
Epilogue
“If I Ain’t Got You” Alicia Keys
After that night at the dance, things became quite clear for Trowa Barton.
He and Quatre Winner were not going to get back together.
At least in this point and time. He realized this during the pinnacle of the dance, when he reluctantly agreed to a slow dance with Sylvia. With his hands on her waist and her body pressed against him, her arms wrapped awkwardly around his upper chest, he realized to the beat of Alicia Key’s “If I Ain’t Got You” that he wasn’t going to be holding Quatre in the same way. Whether it was just a temporary mode of feeling, or if this was just a closed chapter in their lives, Trowa knew he wasn’t going to have the blond back.
That revelation had made him cold inside, stark realization rendering him numb. Mistakes had been made, but in the end–they were just two different people that ended up choosing different things. Quatre had loved him–for that, he’d been sure. It was just that so many things had happened to separate them, and the resulting consequences of their actions was going to continue to affect them both. Quatre had been right, though–if they got back together, so soon after what had transpired, they would end up angry and constantly accusing each other of everything under the sun.
In the end, now, Trowa realized that Quatre had been right all along.
It was good for them to be separate. Constant accusation, constant suspicion, constant insecurity–these things did not help or make a relationship. Trust, understanding and compromising did. They had none of these things now, and it looked as if they weren’t going to...Quatre would leave for Laramie without moving back into Trowa’s embrace, and for that, Trowa felt utterly saddened.
Well...he had accepted that Quatre wasn’t going to get back with him–it was just in the way he kept himself from the boy, the way he kept himself busy with other things. If he were so desperate to come back, Trowa would know for a fact that they wouldn’t be apart this night. But in the resulting end, would they even be happy? That was the thing–he knew that Quatre still harbored insecurities and doubts from the resulting actions of Trowa’s cheating.
It wasn’t the right time. But when would be the ‘right’ time come?
Because he hadn’t an answer to this question, he sighed lowly, holding Sylvia close. Well...if that was the resulting end...he should, himself, move on. After all, keeping himself in the sorrows of yesterday wasn’t going to solve anything. And who knows? The future promised a great deal of things, and perhaps a second chance loomed, with far greater purpose, later on.
Having decided this, Trowa filtered out his thoughts on the blond and concentrated on the girl in his arms.
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
Sylvia was in a state of happiness–female intuition had alerted her that Trowa had come to a conclusion of things, and she was pretty sure that it involved his ex; whether it was for the fact that he now felt more about her than Quatre, or just that he was going to forget all about Quatre, and focus in on her. Which was the same thing, right?
But that night, at the dance, she was happy to realize that she now had Trowa all to herself. She couldn’t help but grin continuously at that thought.
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
“So...no more Boom-Boom?”
“...No more Trowa, if that’s what you’re trying to ask,” Quatre answered with a disgusted stare in Felicia’s direction. The pair of them were warming up before a game against Sageville, and they had just finished exchanging insults with Justin and his friends on the other end. “That just came out of no where, didn’t it?”
“Yeah. Well, kinda, seein’ as blonde himbo Noventa’s all over him, and lookin’ all smug about it...Just had to make sure...”
“Hey, it bothers you more than me,” Quatre muttered, trying not to look.
“Well...shit. Friends are friends in this biz, so all I’m doin’ is watching out for your gay ass.”
“My gay ass is absolutely fine, dammit.”
“I’ll say,” Triton commented as he walked by.
Quatre threw him a disgusted expression, and resumed shooting.
Felicia snickered, and folded her arms behind her head. “So...guess what?”
“No. If it doesn’t involve me and getting laid, then I don’t want to hear about it.”
“Why are you guys so fuckin’ obsessed with gettin’ laid?” she whined, dropping her head. “Straight, gay, bi–it don’t fuckin’ matter! You’re all fuckin’ horndogs!”
“Damn skippy...”
“Anyway, no. that’s not it. Remember the night of the dance? Well...Max asked me out.”
“To where?”
“IDIOT! As in...er...askin’ me to be his...ah...girlfriend.” Felicia’s face burned a bright red as she found the ceiling very interesting. Quatre turned to look at her, skeptically taking in her appearance.
“I knew he was gay,” he muttered, making another shot.
“I’M NOT A GUY! I’m one hundred percent female!”
“Whatever. That’s what they all say...so...do you use ducktape or do you just tuck in the hole?”
“ARGGGGGH! But, no, my dear lovely gay friend. So...I guess we’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend... I guess.”
“Did you guys do it?”
“NO, and if we did, I ain’t giving you any details! Probably, you’ll masturbate to what I’ve described, an’ I’ll get all skeeved..ew,” Felicia shuddered, wincing. Quatre laughed, shaking his head as he focused on his warm-ups. “Besides...a lady has to wait. We ain’t like guys, humpin’ or blowin’ on the first piece of meat that comes along...”
“Hey! I have standards! I’m just not using them right now. I’m pretty much desperate...a fuck is a fuck is a fuck is a fuck...right?”
“Thus, Triton...”
“Fuck you. Go to hell.”
Felicia laughed uproariously, then ventured over to bother Paul, whom she had a slight crush on because the guy was absolutely gorgeous dressed in blue. She’d seen him at the dance, and it wasn’t as if she were cheating if she were flirting with another guy...besides, she had a feeling Max liked it.
Quatre glanced after her, then frowned as he focused on the rim. Really, it wasn’t any of his business, but he thought that those two–Max and Felicia–weren’t destined to be with each other very long. They were much too different. Which made him think about himself and his situation with Trowa–Trowa had been so different from him, and even today, they still were. Sure, they compromised on things and what not, but the resulting ending was the same–they’d been just too different.
He was sure that they broke up for different reasons that would, in the end, turn out to be the same. But what was done, was done. There was no magical button that would declare them officially clean and the slate wouldn’t be cleared. They had to work on what was given to them as a result of their actions. Really, it was no big deal for him–he’d broken up with Trowa a long time ago. But now and then, he still thought of the other boy’s opinion, and what it meant to him. He couldn’t quite hide that fact.
With a low sigh, he lined himself up and shot his last warm-up ball. They may have moved in separate directions, but he still thought of Trowa in that aspect from time to time. He should call Jake, and have the guy straighten him out again. At least he met someone that was able to give him a boot in the ass to have him going in the right direction, from having learned from his own past mistakes.
He smiled at that thought and followed his teammates off the court floor.
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
A month passed. Since that night’s epiphany, Trowa felt much more comfortable being a friend of Quatre’s, and not of a chasing ex. He felt a little happier–a little more relaxed. He could enjoy the blond’s company better this way.
Along this route, he was set to start rehab after the semester ended, so he was going to be sticking around in New Park for awhile...with the help of Sylvia, he had located a center that would help him surpass his addictions and prepare him for a better future without drugs. Currently, he was attending a counseling program that aided him (while working with his school schedule) in going clean–although the process was sometimes frustrating, as the call of drugs was strong and it was a difficult trail to travel, he was set on overcoming these cursed addictions and improving himself.
It was worth it–the support coming from his friends was constant and very helpful(though Drake Bellows and his other ‘friends’ constantly accused him of being a ‘quitter’ and a sissy for going this route. This was expected, and he grew to thinking of how much he pitied them for allowing these things to take control of their lives). Sylvia was more than ready to keep him on the clean path, and helped weather out the bad times in between.
He grew to appreciate her efforts, and grew to like her even more. Eventually, there was a point in which he could comfortably say that he was over Quatre. The blond didn’t arouse the same feelings that he had when they had first broken up, and Trowa was even more happy to realize that the blond’s dealings with other boys (even though he suspected Quatre was not dating or even seeing anybody at the moment, due to his focus on the game) did not bother him anymore. He could even joke around about it, and not even feel offended at the resulting issues. And best of all, Quatre didn’t take offense and joked right back.
For once in his life, Trowa felt stable and hopeful. He was headed into rehab; his artwork had once more resumed their lifelike quality once more; he had a very supportive and understanding girlfriend; the sales from the tape was continuing to keep him comfortable when it came to money; and he had a very good friend in his ex. Things were going great.
He continued to watch Quatre play, finally realizing that the blond felt good by the support he received from his friends in the bleachers–Trowa was able to understand that, now, after having experienced this sort of support in himself regarding his drugs.
So, when he and Sylvia traveled to Stanton to watch Darken face off the team once more in their stride to the State Championships, he was rather surprised when he found himself confronted by someone he didn’t even know very well.
He was just finishing a cigarette outside the gym, his hands trembling with withdrawal from meth, when he heard someone walking over to him. He didn’t pay attention to it, at first, because he figured it was just another smoker, and focused on the burning end of his cancerstick. On the last exhale and elimination of his cigarette, though, he realized that he was being approached. He looked up to see a familiar guy coming to a stop beside him, dressed in the home team’s colors and jersey, and recognized it as Quatre’s friend, Jake.
The guy was a little intimidating, Trowa realized, as he looked down at him. It wasn’t that Trowa feared him physically–after all, Jake couldn’t have been more than six feet tall and was built in a firmer form than Quatre’s skinny frame–it was just that the expression on his face warned Trowa that some words were going to be exchanged. He remembered their last confrontation when the guy made fun of how he looked, and stiffened, preparing himself.
“So,” Jake started, crossing his arms over his chest. “I hear you entered rehab.”
Trowa shrugged. Personally, it wasn’t any of Jake’s business, and he felt a little miffed that he knew. Not saying anything, he hunched his shoulders, jamming his hands into his coat. It had recently snowed, and it was colder than a witch’s tit outside.
“That’s real good, man. I know how that can get. But I want to get some things straight with you, first, all right? Is that cool if we talk?”
Trowa shrugged again, feeling no need to talk just yet. But he was curious as to what the guy was going to say.
Jake pinned him with a solid stare, looking unfazed by the cold. “I know you guys had a big ole thing going on, an’ that you got a new girl, but the thing is, Winner still thinks he has to impress you and all that. I realize that it’s none of my business, and I could care less what the hell you two had, but I have to admit that I want him to do good. He’s got a real good future ahead of him, but the only way he can go is if he gets a scholarship. Athletic, by the way. Not academically–I’m not that entirely stupid. So...I was just wondering...are you going to fuck things up with him again?”
“What?” Trowa asked, annoyed at the question. He narrowed his eyes as he glared at the other boy.
“I was just asking if you were going to fuck things up with him. For some fuckin’ reason, he takes your opinion entirely too seriously.”
“First of all, it isn’t any of your business what we had. And second of all, who the fuck are you to run around, demanding this and that behind his back?” he snapped. “For the record, things are going good. Entirely good. There’s nothing to fuck anything up–!”
“I know that he still has feelings for you! And it’s difficult to move on, I admit it. I just want to make sure that he’s going to do all right!”
“...Yes. Yes, things are going to be fine. There’s no reason why things should be fucked. Things are good,” Trowa muttered, yearning for another cigarette. “And if he still has feelings for me, that’s his end. Not mine. I already accepted what happened, and I’ve moved on. I can’t help what he feels. And it’s not like I’m encouraging it.”
Jake looked unconvinced, but he nodded anyway. He stared at the sidewalk, covered with ice and salt, and ignored the sounds of the activity within the gym. He then looked back at Trowa, frowning. “I don’t want to sound mother hennish–but I’m just looking out for him, is all. He has no less sense than my son, and he’s going to fuck things up for himself if he continues this pity act. I was kind of wondering if you’d help kick his ass into gear.”
“I wouldn’t call it ‘mother hennish’,” Trowa muttered, digging out another cigarette.
“Hey, I don’t swing that way, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Jake snorted, fiddling with his earring, then taking it out. “Sometimes, it’s hard to hold onto friends. Especially when they start changing on ya. In case you’re wondering, he’s not the only one I’m watching out for. I just had to drag my ex friend down into the pavement because he was acting shitty about Felicia...Drake has a mouth that I just had to punch because it gets so fucking smarty. I know what it feels like to have your friends abandon you, so I try really hard to keep the ones that I make. Winner happens to be one of them.”
“Yeah...I’ll bet.”
“Think all you want about it, drag queen. Your opinion is nothing to me, but when it comes down to him, then I have to step in. That’s all I have to say.”
“You know,” Trowa started as the other guy started to walk away, “He’s just as shitty as I am. He’ll lie right to your face and pull the act right out from under you. He’s not perfect.”
“No...but I think in my case it’s not the same big deal,” Jake confessed. He lifted an sardonic eyebrow. “I don’t want to fuck him. There’s a big difference between us in that aspect.”
“Whatever,” Trowa muttered, narrowing his eyes.
Jake just chuckled and walked off, leaving Trowa to think about things in another aspect. Yes...yes, Trowa may have been the one to move on...but had Quatre?
...But then again, that wasn’t his problem to deal with. He had his own share, and he was doing his own battles. Holding Quatre’s hand through things shouldn’t be part of them. And if he was still looking for Trowa’s opinion on things, then...Trowa couldn’t help him there. While he was surprised on one end that Quatre felt that way, he was not bothered.
It wasn’t his battle.
He had his own.
He had to live his own life–he couldn’t take care of Quatre.
But he could still be his friend.
He smiled as he finished his cigarette, stomping on it to kill the ashes. Then, he walked back into the gym. To support his friend. Perhaps that was all he could do from now on.
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
Hiiro looked up from his homework, glancing over at Duo across the table. The two were studying for upcoming exams, and since that Valentine’s Day dance, they had been practically inseparable. They still hadn’t come out with their real reason as to why they were together constantly, and he knew people were whispering about it. No one had seen them kiss, nor touch when they knew they weren’t seen, but...Hiiro was growing tired of all the secrecy and suspicion. Girls continued to ask him out, and he was getting tired of saying ‘no’ all the time. It was as if they couldn’t take the word seriously, and worked even harder to try and hook up with him. The only person he wanted was Duo, and he wasn’t sure how to broach the subject, knowing that the other was wary of coming out, as well.
Meanwhile, Duo’s mind was racing frantically as he tried to keep himself focused on his work. He really hadn’t noticed it before, but something was horribly (or magnificently, whichever) different for him ever since he formed a tentative relationship with Hiiro. He noticed boys–a lot of boys in a wholly different way than he had before. Suddenly, Brad was attractive when he quirked a grin, and boy, Sam had a really nice ass when he wore his gym shorts, and he couldn’t exactly leave out Max Sheridan–no, that boy made Duo’s entire system race with forbidden excitement, and this sudden notice of guys in this way made him incredibly confused.
Had he always liked guys and hadn’t really noticed it before? Or was this...just because of Hiiro? Well, one couldn’t exactly change over night for one person–could it? He was straight before, he was sure of it. But he had to think–had he really had a fulfilling relationship with the girls in the past? He couldn’t even remember having fantastic sex with any, and all of them left him feeling a little...unfulfilled. Had this chance with Hiiro somehow straighten him out? Set him on the right path? That he was actually gay, and not straight?
He wanted to talk to Hiiro about it, but he wasn’t sure if his bestfriend/boyfriend would be offended by it. He looked over at Hiiro, a thoughtful frown on his face. Hiiro looked up at him, matching his stare with those blue eyes of his, and Duo found himself unable to look away. His frown left, turning into a smile, and the two suddenly grinned at each other.
“What are you smiling about?” Duo asked him slyly.
“I don’t know. What are you smiling about?”
“Nothing...you think we can do this?”
“Do what?”
“...You know...this...”
Hiiro studied him for a few seconds, then lifted a shoulder. “I can do whatever it is that you want, Duo.”
“Then...you won’t mind...I mean...we’ve known each other for a long time, and...it ain’t like it’s... completely unknown.”
“Yeah...but your parents...we are talking about the same thing, right?”
“Yeah. Ordering pizza for lunch?”
“...Duo...”
“Sorry, sorry, I was just joking. But...yeah. We are. I want people to know, Hiiro. I mean...what do we have to lose? If people don’t like it, then they weren’t really our friends to begin with.”
“...Yeah...” Hiiro turned his eyes to the side, glancing at their classmates.
He looked at Sylvia Noventa, who was busily coloring her fingernails black with a Sharpie marker, and at William and Travis, both of whom were looking over a Playgirl, and at Quatre Winner, who was drooling onto the table he was napping over, Felicia Passage carefully drawing a penis on his exposed cheek. He looked over at their teacher, at the way Middie Une was busily gabbing away with Samantha Neilson and Dorothy Catalonia.
Then he looked back at Duo, and shrugged again. “I’m game.”
Duo grinned, and left his seat. He took the one next to Hiiro, who ducked his head shyly, both of their faces turning color as they realized what they were about to do. Cautiously, Duo leaned forward, touching his lips to Hiiro’s, looking for an answering touch of his own. Hiiro leaned into the kiss, blocking out what he knew were incredulous stares and sharp gasps, and lost himself in Duo’s kiss. It felt perfect, fit just right, and tasted even better than before.
Something bounced off his head, and he heard annoyed grumbles, but he didn’t care. When he and Duo separated, they grinned at each other cheesily, then looked around the class. There were some that were staring at them in disbelief, others in casual indifference, but otherwise, what had just happened hadn’t even been a big thing.
Duo touched his cheek, then ran his thumb over his chin. “See? It wasn’t so bad, now, was it?”
“No. Not at all...”
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
As the season ended (ending with a rather frustrating third in the district, after having lost to both Stanton and Duncan Jones) in early March, the countdown to Quatre’s imminent move back to Laramie began. He tried taking Jake’s advice to heart, to enjoy every day and instance as much as he could, but he kept finding himself continually depressed in that he was leaving it all behind. He knew that what he had here in New Park wasn’t going to be the same as it was in Laramie. Everyone there was more close-minded, more occupied with what their society deemed, and he knew, from past instances, that his homosexuality was going to be a big problem.
While that in itself was bothersome, knowing he’d be going through various troubles because of what other kids thought and what the adults perceived, the fact that he was going to leave all this behind bothered him to no end. He knew Lana and Rashid’s troubles, and could understand why this was happening–he just kept hoping for a miracle.
But it never came.
The school year came to a pleasant end–he’d kept his grades up, enabling him to pass onto his senior year with a B. Ramos had come through with many applications and recommendations into various colleges, most of which Quatre had his eye on, but the one that really captured his interest was NPU. While their men’s team was ranked rather low on the nation’s list, it was just the fact that he considered New Park his home. He’d still keep the other options in mind, of course, and thanked the coach for his coming through.
Everyone kept asking him if he were going to stay there the whole year, or come back to visit–but he doubted that. He could only hope to keep in contact with them via phone or some other means.
He was happy to hear that Felicia had a reason to stay in school–seeing her and Max together made him feel odd, in a way–he was happy for his friend to be happy with someone. For once, she was too occupied with Max and herself rather than trying to set him up with everyone under the sun. And as he stood by, he could see that Max was good for her–he kept her out of trouble and in line. So, that was a good ending for him, in the way of seeing if his female friend was all right.
Trowa and Sylvia were still going strong, and it was apparent that she was good for him. Quatre was happy for his ex. Trowa was doing well with his quitting the drugs, and was staying in the right direction he should be. Of course, that tape kept coming up, and it was hard to hear what other people had to say about it, but in the end, Trowa had gotten over his previous embarrassment of the thing and just took it as a profiting allowance that kept him pretty happy when it came to money.
So Quatre was happy about that.
As for his other friends, Justin finally confessed that he really liked Jamie, but the military student wasn’t about to reveal his preference in a homophobic setting and lose all that he’d earned in terms of respect and loyalty, so that relationship fizzled. Justin whined and complained about this fact to Quatre over a few beers one night, but was graced a couple of weeks later to a classmate that confessed his own feelings to Justin, so Mr. Ogre was happy in the end.
As for Triton Bloom, Quatre continued to regret what happened, but really had to chalk it up to a case of misfortune and inopportune bad luck. The senior had pursued him to a point, but it was obvious that he was taking Quatre’s rejection rather badly. To get back at the junior, the senior began spreading rumors and off-hand comments that started to drag down Quatre’s own reputation (what sort he had left after that damn tape), but Quatre didn’t want to lower himself to that level, and kept mum about things (even though he did end up kicking the senior’s ass in the dormitory when Triton pushed him too far, but admin hadn’t heard about it, and Quatre was satisfied with the results afterward, when seeing the senior trying to explain his black eye to his friends). Quatre had heard that Triton had been accepted at NPU, and was slated to play for the men’s team, but he wasn’t too worried about that. College changed a lot of people and a lot of things–it wasn’t like high school. Triton was the type to forget and settle his whorey sights on other things once he found himself distracted by another love-interest. Also, rumor had it that he found a girlfriend in some Roseville senior anyway.
Middie Une became the hot topic of the day one April night, when she had to be rushed to the hospital for severe dehydration. Her eating disorder was discovered, and was severe enough to have her placed in a nearby institute–Quatre was smug about that as well. It seemed, after she had left, that her so-called friends were now spreading rumors about her, declaring that she was behind Jared’s treacherous plans against Quatre. Of course, this wasn’t confirmed, as rumors were rumors–the only ones that knew the truth could only breathe a sigh of relief, and Trowa was saved from that instance. But, of course, from what Quatre heard of the girl, she was now being forcibly fitted with feeding tubes as the result of her denial and dwindling health. What goes around, comes around, he supposed. But Felicia was pissed about it–she’d rather she had the chance to ‘fuck the girl up’ with her fists, and was pissed at Quatre for keeping a few things secret. Of course, her silent treatment lasted a mere four hours.
As for Jared, the boy was currently serving a prison sentence for his conspiracy. Quatre didn’t find out anything more after that. It was as if the boy had just disappeared into the system, but the blond found himself a little iffy whenever little presents still found their way to him, and he made sure to check his socks and clothing all the time for anything telltale.
The surprising relationship between Hiiro Yuy and Duo Maxwell had the school in an uproar–it was unexpected, surprising, and was the topic for days on end. Relena had been shocked and aghast, but no one really paid too much attention to her, simply because many knew her relationship with Dorothy Catalonia. But it was a good match–it was obvious. The pair were simply enamored of each other, and Quatre rubbed it in with every instance he got. How dare they make fun of him and belittle him when they had the same thing going for each other all this fucking time?
As for Jake Trip, Quatre found a valuable friend in the guy. As far as Quatre was concerned, the guy was levels above his own experiences and mistakes, and he sought out the guy’s advice for things that he found taxing. Of course, he didn’t mention how he viewed his friend, because he was sure Jake would make fun of him for it. While Jake was valuable in the ways of listening and advising, the guy made sure to add a few teasing barbs and jokes on Quatre’s benefit, and Quatre hated when he started behaving like a child under the older boy’s words. Still, he continued to talk to the guy, and still cringed whenever he saw him and Michael in person. The little boy idolized him now, and pained his father in the way of expensive ‘must-need’ basketball jerseys and basketball shoes–the exact same as Quatre’s, of course. So, if Jake ever gave Quatre a hard time over something, Quatre made sure to bring up his son’s idolization of him, and usually, the older boy gave up with a snotty comment or scowl.
But all in all, things were ending on a rather good note by the time his Day arrived. He didn’t have to worry that his friends were doing badly, or that they needed him (he knew they did as much as he needed them, but this was just how it goes), and could go back to Laramie, knowing they were okay.
The day came when he had to leave, and he was very sullen about it. Nothing could bring him out of his mood, knowing that he had to leave everything behind once more; his friends, his home, his everything. It was just the same as it was when he had to leave Laramie behind, only...different. Trowa and Felicia had come along to see him off, and both were just as upset as he. Only, they didn’t want the other to know, so their goodbyes were stiff and forced as Quatre had to leave them behind as he entered the security section, his things being wheeled out of sight by a worker.
As he stared out the window of his commercial flight out, he felt completely depressed and rejected. Leaving behind all that he’d grown to love and now having to re-do things all over again? It was torture, and he hated it. He swore right then and there, that as soon as he was able, he was going to settle down in one place and never leave it again. Maybe for an occasional visit here and there, but never anything like this. As New Park City slowly became something in the distance, buried within a dark cloud of smog and thunderclouds, he vowed to come back.
He would come back, and he would stay, no matter what.
Epilogue
“If I Ain’t Got You” Alicia Keys
After that night at the dance, things became quite clear for Trowa Barton.
He and Quatre Winner were not going to get back together.
At least in this point and time. He realized this during the pinnacle of the dance, when he reluctantly agreed to a slow dance with Sylvia. With his hands on her waist and her body pressed against him, her arms wrapped awkwardly around his upper chest, he realized to the beat of Alicia Key’s “If I Ain’t Got You” that he wasn’t going to be holding Quatre in the same way. Whether it was just a temporary mode of feeling, or if this was just a closed chapter in their lives, Trowa knew he wasn’t going to have the blond back.
That revelation had made him cold inside, stark realization rendering him numb. Mistakes had been made, but in the end–they were just two different people that ended up choosing different things. Quatre had loved him–for that, he’d been sure. It was just that so many things had happened to separate them, and the resulting consequences of their actions was going to continue to affect them both. Quatre had been right, though–if they got back together, so soon after what had transpired, they would end up angry and constantly accusing each other of everything under the sun.
In the end, now, Trowa realized that Quatre had been right all along.
It was good for them to be separate. Constant accusation, constant suspicion, constant insecurity–these things did not help or make a relationship. Trust, understanding and compromising did. They had none of these things now, and it looked as if they weren’t going to...Quatre would leave for Laramie without moving back into Trowa’s embrace, and for that, Trowa felt utterly saddened.
Well...he had accepted that Quatre wasn’t going to get back with him–it was just in the way he kept himself from the boy, the way he kept himself busy with other things. If he were so desperate to come back, Trowa would know for a fact that they wouldn’t be apart this night. But in the resulting end, would they even be happy? That was the thing–he knew that Quatre still harbored insecurities and doubts from the resulting actions of Trowa’s cheating.
It wasn’t the right time. But when would be the ‘right’ time come?
Because he hadn’t an answer to this question, he sighed lowly, holding Sylvia close. Well...if that was the resulting end...he should, himself, move on. After all, keeping himself in the sorrows of yesterday wasn’t going to solve anything. And who knows? The future promised a great deal of things, and perhaps a second chance loomed, with far greater purpose, later on.
Having decided this, Trowa filtered out his thoughts on the blond and concentrated on the girl in his arms.
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
Sylvia was in a state of happiness–female intuition had alerted her that Trowa had come to a conclusion of things, and she was pretty sure that it involved his ex; whether it was for the fact that he now felt more about her than Quatre, or just that he was going to forget all about Quatre, and focus in on her. Which was the same thing, right?
But that night, at the dance, she was happy to realize that she now had Trowa all to herself. She couldn’t help but grin continuously at that thought.
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
“So...no more Boom-Boom?”
“...No more Trowa, if that’s what you’re trying to ask,” Quatre answered with a disgusted stare in Felicia’s direction. The pair of them were warming up before a game against Sageville, and they had just finished exchanging insults with Justin and his friends on the other end. “That just came out of no where, didn’t it?”
“Yeah. Well, kinda, seein’ as blonde himbo Noventa’s all over him, and lookin’ all smug about it...Just had to make sure...”
“Hey, it bothers you more than me,” Quatre muttered, trying not to look.
“Well...shit. Friends are friends in this biz, so all I’m doin’ is watching out for your gay ass.”
“My gay ass is absolutely fine, dammit.”
“I’ll say,” Triton commented as he walked by.
Quatre threw him a disgusted expression, and resumed shooting.
Felicia snickered, and folded her arms behind her head. “So...guess what?”
“No. If it doesn’t involve me and getting laid, then I don’t want to hear about it.”
“Why are you guys so fuckin’ obsessed with gettin’ laid?” she whined, dropping her head. “Straight, gay, bi–it don’t fuckin’ matter! You’re all fuckin’ horndogs!”
“Damn skippy...”
“Anyway, no. that’s not it. Remember the night of the dance? Well...Max asked me out.”
“To where?”
“IDIOT! As in...er...askin’ me to be his...ah...girlfriend.” Felicia’s face burned a bright red as she found the ceiling very interesting. Quatre turned to look at her, skeptically taking in her appearance.
“I knew he was gay,” he muttered, making another shot.
“I’M NOT A GUY! I’m one hundred percent female!”
“Whatever. That’s what they all say...so...do you use ducktape or do you just tuck in the hole?”
“ARGGGGGH! But, no, my dear lovely gay friend. So...I guess we’re officially boyfriend and girlfriend... I guess.”
“Did you guys do it?”
“NO, and if we did, I ain’t giving you any details! Probably, you’ll masturbate to what I’ve described, an’ I’ll get all skeeved..ew,” Felicia shuddered, wincing. Quatre laughed, shaking his head as he focused on his warm-ups. “Besides...a lady has to wait. We ain’t like guys, humpin’ or blowin’ on the first piece of meat that comes along...”
“Hey! I have standards! I’m just not using them right now. I’m pretty much desperate...a fuck is a fuck is a fuck is a fuck...right?”
“Thus, Triton...”
“Fuck you. Go to hell.”
Felicia laughed uproariously, then ventured over to bother Paul, whom she had a slight crush on because the guy was absolutely gorgeous dressed in blue. She’d seen him at the dance, and it wasn’t as if she were cheating if she were flirting with another guy...besides, she had a feeling Max liked it.
Quatre glanced after her, then frowned as he focused on the rim. Really, it wasn’t any of his business, but he thought that those two–Max and Felicia–weren’t destined to be with each other very long. They were much too different. Which made him think about himself and his situation with Trowa–Trowa had been so different from him, and even today, they still were. Sure, they compromised on things and what not, but the resulting ending was the same–they’d been just too different.
He was sure that they broke up for different reasons that would, in the end, turn out to be the same. But what was done, was done. There was no magical button that would declare them officially clean and the slate wouldn’t be cleared. They had to work on what was given to them as a result of their actions. Really, it was no big deal for him–he’d broken up with Trowa a long time ago. But now and then, he still thought of the other boy’s opinion, and what it meant to him. He couldn’t quite hide that fact.
With a low sigh, he lined himself up and shot his last warm-up ball. They may have moved in separate directions, but he still thought of Trowa in that aspect from time to time. He should call Jake, and have the guy straighten him out again. At least he met someone that was able to give him a boot in the ass to have him going in the right direction, from having learned from his own past mistakes.
He smiled at that thought and followed his teammates off the court floor.
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
A month passed. Since that night’s epiphany, Trowa felt much more comfortable being a friend of Quatre’s, and not of a chasing ex. He felt a little happier–a little more relaxed. He could enjoy the blond’s company better this way.
Along this route, he was set to start rehab after the semester ended, so he was going to be sticking around in New Park for awhile...with the help of Sylvia, he had located a center that would help him surpass his addictions and prepare him for a better future without drugs. Currently, he was attending a counseling program that aided him (while working with his school schedule) in going clean–although the process was sometimes frustrating, as the call of drugs was strong and it was a difficult trail to travel, he was set on overcoming these cursed addictions and improving himself.
It was worth it–the support coming from his friends was constant and very helpful(though Drake Bellows and his other ‘friends’ constantly accused him of being a ‘quitter’ and a sissy for going this route. This was expected, and he grew to thinking of how much he pitied them for allowing these things to take control of their lives). Sylvia was more than ready to keep him on the clean path, and helped weather out the bad times in between.
He grew to appreciate her efforts, and grew to like her even more. Eventually, there was a point in which he could comfortably say that he was over Quatre. The blond didn’t arouse the same feelings that he had when they had first broken up, and Trowa was even more happy to realize that the blond’s dealings with other boys (even though he suspected Quatre was not dating or even seeing anybody at the moment, due to his focus on the game) did not bother him anymore. He could even joke around about it, and not even feel offended at the resulting issues. And best of all, Quatre didn’t take offense and joked right back.
For once in his life, Trowa felt stable and hopeful. He was headed into rehab; his artwork had once more resumed their lifelike quality once more; he had a very supportive and understanding girlfriend; the sales from the tape was continuing to keep him comfortable when it came to money; and he had a very good friend in his ex. Things were going great.
He continued to watch Quatre play, finally realizing that the blond felt good by the support he received from his friends in the bleachers–Trowa was able to understand that, now, after having experienced this sort of support in himself regarding his drugs.
So, when he and Sylvia traveled to Stanton to watch Darken face off the team once more in their stride to the State Championships, he was rather surprised when he found himself confronted by someone he didn’t even know very well.
He was just finishing a cigarette outside the gym, his hands trembling with withdrawal from meth, when he heard someone walking over to him. He didn’t pay attention to it, at first, because he figured it was just another smoker, and focused on the burning end of his cancerstick. On the last exhale and elimination of his cigarette, though, he realized that he was being approached. He looked up to see a familiar guy coming to a stop beside him, dressed in the home team’s colors and jersey, and recognized it as Quatre’s friend, Jake.
The guy was a little intimidating, Trowa realized, as he looked down at him. It wasn’t that Trowa feared him physically–after all, Jake couldn’t have been more than six feet tall and was built in a firmer form than Quatre’s skinny frame–it was just that the expression on his face warned Trowa that some words were going to be exchanged. He remembered their last confrontation when the guy made fun of how he looked, and stiffened, preparing himself.
“So,” Jake started, crossing his arms over his chest. “I hear you entered rehab.”
Trowa shrugged. Personally, it wasn’t any of Jake’s business, and he felt a little miffed that he knew. Not saying anything, he hunched his shoulders, jamming his hands into his coat. It had recently snowed, and it was colder than a witch’s tit outside.
“That’s real good, man. I know how that can get. But I want to get some things straight with you, first, all right? Is that cool if we talk?”
Trowa shrugged again, feeling no need to talk just yet. But he was curious as to what the guy was going to say.
Jake pinned him with a solid stare, looking unfazed by the cold. “I know you guys had a big ole thing going on, an’ that you got a new girl, but the thing is, Winner still thinks he has to impress you and all that. I realize that it’s none of my business, and I could care less what the hell you two had, but I have to admit that I want him to do good. He’s got a real good future ahead of him, but the only way he can go is if he gets a scholarship. Athletic, by the way. Not academically–I’m not that entirely stupid. So...I was just wondering...are you going to fuck things up with him again?”
“What?” Trowa asked, annoyed at the question. He narrowed his eyes as he glared at the other boy.
“I was just asking if you were going to fuck things up with him. For some fuckin’ reason, he takes your opinion entirely too seriously.”
“First of all, it isn’t any of your business what we had. And second of all, who the fuck are you to run around, demanding this and that behind his back?” he snapped. “For the record, things are going good. Entirely good. There’s nothing to fuck anything up–!”
“I know that he still has feelings for you! And it’s difficult to move on, I admit it. I just want to make sure that he’s going to do all right!”
“...Yes. Yes, things are going to be fine. There’s no reason why things should be fucked. Things are good,” Trowa muttered, yearning for another cigarette. “And if he still has feelings for me, that’s his end. Not mine. I already accepted what happened, and I’ve moved on. I can’t help what he feels. And it’s not like I’m encouraging it.”
Jake looked unconvinced, but he nodded anyway. He stared at the sidewalk, covered with ice and salt, and ignored the sounds of the activity within the gym. He then looked back at Trowa, frowning. “I don’t want to sound mother hennish–but I’m just looking out for him, is all. He has no less sense than my son, and he’s going to fuck things up for himself if he continues this pity act. I was kind of wondering if you’d help kick his ass into gear.”
“I wouldn’t call it ‘mother hennish’,” Trowa muttered, digging out another cigarette.
“Hey, I don’t swing that way, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Jake snorted, fiddling with his earring, then taking it out. “Sometimes, it’s hard to hold onto friends. Especially when they start changing on ya. In case you’re wondering, he’s not the only one I’m watching out for. I just had to drag my ex friend down into the pavement because he was acting shitty about Felicia...Drake has a mouth that I just had to punch because it gets so fucking smarty. I know what it feels like to have your friends abandon you, so I try really hard to keep the ones that I make. Winner happens to be one of them.”
“Yeah...I’ll bet.”
“Think all you want about it, drag queen. Your opinion is nothing to me, but when it comes down to him, then I have to step in. That’s all I have to say.”
“You know,” Trowa started as the other guy started to walk away, “He’s just as shitty as I am. He’ll lie right to your face and pull the act right out from under you. He’s not perfect.”
“No...but I think in my case it’s not the same big deal,” Jake confessed. He lifted an sardonic eyebrow. “I don’t want to fuck him. There’s a big difference between us in that aspect.”
“Whatever,” Trowa muttered, narrowing his eyes.
Jake just chuckled and walked off, leaving Trowa to think about things in another aspect. Yes...yes, Trowa may have been the one to move on...but had Quatre?
...But then again, that wasn’t his problem to deal with. He had his own share, and he was doing his own battles. Holding Quatre’s hand through things shouldn’t be part of them. And if he was still looking for Trowa’s opinion on things, then...Trowa couldn’t help him there. While he was surprised on one end that Quatre felt that way, he was not bothered.
It wasn’t his battle.
He had his own.
He had to live his own life–he couldn’t take care of Quatre.
But he could still be his friend.
He smiled as he finished his cigarette, stomping on it to kill the ashes. Then, he walked back into the gym. To support his friend. Perhaps that was all he could do from now on.
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
Hiiro looked up from his homework, glancing over at Duo across the table. The two were studying for upcoming exams, and since that Valentine’s Day dance, they had been practically inseparable. They still hadn’t come out with their real reason as to why they were together constantly, and he knew people were whispering about it. No one had seen them kiss, nor touch when they knew they weren’t seen, but...Hiiro was growing tired of all the secrecy and suspicion. Girls continued to ask him out, and he was getting tired of saying ‘no’ all the time. It was as if they couldn’t take the word seriously, and worked even harder to try and hook up with him. The only person he wanted was Duo, and he wasn’t sure how to broach the subject, knowing that the other was wary of coming out, as well.
Meanwhile, Duo’s mind was racing frantically as he tried to keep himself focused on his work. He really hadn’t noticed it before, but something was horribly (or magnificently, whichever) different for him ever since he formed a tentative relationship with Hiiro. He noticed boys–a lot of boys in a wholly different way than he had before. Suddenly, Brad was attractive when he quirked a grin, and boy, Sam had a really nice ass when he wore his gym shorts, and he couldn’t exactly leave out Max Sheridan–no, that boy made Duo’s entire system race with forbidden excitement, and this sudden notice of guys in this way made him incredibly confused.
Had he always liked guys and hadn’t really noticed it before? Or was this...just because of Hiiro? Well, one couldn’t exactly change over night for one person–could it? He was straight before, he was sure of it. But he had to think–had he really had a fulfilling relationship with the girls in the past? He couldn’t even remember having fantastic sex with any, and all of them left him feeling a little...unfulfilled. Had this chance with Hiiro somehow straighten him out? Set him on the right path? That he was actually gay, and not straight?
He wanted to talk to Hiiro about it, but he wasn’t sure if his bestfriend/boyfriend would be offended by it. He looked over at Hiiro, a thoughtful frown on his face. Hiiro looked up at him, matching his stare with those blue eyes of his, and Duo found himself unable to look away. His frown left, turning into a smile, and the two suddenly grinned at each other.
“What are you smiling about?” Duo asked him slyly.
“I don’t know. What are you smiling about?”
“Nothing...you think we can do this?”
“Do what?”
“...You know...this...”
Hiiro studied him for a few seconds, then lifted a shoulder. “I can do whatever it is that you want, Duo.”
“Then...you won’t mind...I mean...we’ve known each other for a long time, and...it ain’t like it’s... completely unknown.”
“Yeah...but your parents...we are talking about the same thing, right?”
“Yeah. Ordering pizza for lunch?”
“...Duo...”
“Sorry, sorry, I was just joking. But...yeah. We are. I want people to know, Hiiro. I mean...what do we have to lose? If people don’t like it, then they weren’t really our friends to begin with.”
“...Yeah...” Hiiro turned his eyes to the side, glancing at their classmates.
He looked at Sylvia Noventa, who was busily coloring her fingernails black with a Sharpie marker, and at William and Travis, both of whom were looking over a Playgirl, and at Quatre Winner, who was drooling onto the table he was napping over, Felicia Passage carefully drawing a penis on his exposed cheek. He looked over at their teacher, at the way Middie Une was busily gabbing away with Samantha Neilson and Dorothy Catalonia.
Then he looked back at Duo, and shrugged again. “I’m game.”
Duo grinned, and left his seat. He took the one next to Hiiro, who ducked his head shyly, both of their faces turning color as they realized what they were about to do. Cautiously, Duo leaned forward, touching his lips to Hiiro’s, looking for an answering touch of his own. Hiiro leaned into the kiss, blocking out what he knew were incredulous stares and sharp gasps, and lost himself in Duo’s kiss. It felt perfect, fit just right, and tasted even better than before.
Something bounced off his head, and he heard annoyed grumbles, but he didn’t care. When he and Duo separated, they grinned at each other cheesily, then looked around the class. There were some that were staring at them in disbelief, others in casual indifference, but otherwise, what had just happened hadn’t even been a big thing.
Duo touched his cheek, then ran his thumb over his chin. “See? It wasn’t so bad, now, was it?”
“No. Not at all...”
#20#20#20#20#20#20#20
As the season ended (ending with a rather frustrating third in the district, after having lost to both Stanton and Duncan Jones) in early March, the countdown to Quatre’s imminent move back to Laramie began. He tried taking Jake’s advice to heart, to enjoy every day and instance as much as he could, but he kept finding himself continually depressed in that he was leaving it all behind. He knew that what he had here in New Park wasn’t going to be the same as it was in Laramie. Everyone there was more close-minded, more occupied with what their society deemed, and he knew, from past instances, that his homosexuality was going to be a big problem.
While that in itself was bothersome, knowing he’d be going through various troubles because of what other kids thought and what the adults perceived, the fact that he was going to leave all this behind bothered him to no end. He knew Lana and Rashid’s troubles, and could understand why this was happening–he just kept hoping for a miracle.
But it never came.
The school year came to a pleasant end–he’d kept his grades up, enabling him to pass onto his senior year with a B. Ramos had come through with many applications and recommendations into various colleges, most of which Quatre had his eye on, but the one that really captured his interest was NPU. While their men’s team was ranked rather low on the nation’s list, it was just the fact that he considered New Park his home. He’d still keep the other options in mind, of course, and thanked the coach for his coming through.
Everyone kept asking him if he were going to stay there the whole year, or come back to visit–but he doubted that. He could only hope to keep in contact with them via phone or some other means.
He was happy to hear that Felicia had a reason to stay in school–seeing her and Max together made him feel odd, in a way–he was happy for his friend to be happy with someone. For once, she was too occupied with Max and herself rather than trying to set him up with everyone under the sun. And as he stood by, he could see that Max was good for her–he kept her out of trouble and in line. So, that was a good ending for him, in the way of seeing if his female friend was all right.
Trowa and Sylvia were still going strong, and it was apparent that she was good for him. Quatre was happy for his ex. Trowa was doing well with his quitting the drugs, and was staying in the right direction he should be. Of course, that tape kept coming up, and it was hard to hear what other people had to say about it, but in the end, Trowa had gotten over his previous embarrassment of the thing and just took it as a profiting allowance that kept him pretty happy when it came to money.
So Quatre was happy about that.
As for his other friends, Justin finally confessed that he really liked Jamie, but the military student wasn’t about to reveal his preference in a homophobic setting and lose all that he’d earned in terms of respect and loyalty, so that relationship fizzled. Justin whined and complained about this fact to Quatre over a few beers one night, but was graced a couple of weeks later to a classmate that confessed his own feelings to Justin, so Mr. Ogre was happy in the end.
As for Triton Bloom, Quatre continued to regret what happened, but really had to chalk it up to a case of misfortune and inopportune bad luck. The senior had pursued him to a point, but it was obvious that he was taking Quatre’s rejection rather badly. To get back at the junior, the senior began spreading rumors and off-hand comments that started to drag down Quatre’s own reputation (what sort he had left after that damn tape), but Quatre didn’t want to lower himself to that level, and kept mum about things (even though he did end up kicking the senior’s ass in the dormitory when Triton pushed him too far, but admin hadn’t heard about it, and Quatre was satisfied with the results afterward, when seeing the senior trying to explain his black eye to his friends). Quatre had heard that Triton had been accepted at NPU, and was slated to play for the men’s team, but he wasn’t too worried about that. College changed a lot of people and a lot of things–it wasn’t like high school. Triton was the type to forget and settle his whorey sights on other things once he found himself distracted by another love-interest. Also, rumor had it that he found a girlfriend in some Roseville senior anyway.
Middie Une became the hot topic of the day one April night, when she had to be rushed to the hospital for severe dehydration. Her eating disorder was discovered, and was severe enough to have her placed in a nearby institute–Quatre was smug about that as well. It seemed, after she had left, that her so-called friends were now spreading rumors about her, declaring that she was behind Jared’s treacherous plans against Quatre. Of course, this wasn’t confirmed, as rumors were rumors–the only ones that knew the truth could only breathe a sigh of relief, and Trowa was saved from that instance. But, of course, from what Quatre heard of the girl, she was now being forcibly fitted with feeding tubes as the result of her denial and dwindling health. What goes around, comes around, he supposed. But Felicia was pissed about it–she’d rather she had the chance to ‘fuck the girl up’ with her fists, and was pissed at Quatre for keeping a few things secret. Of course, her silent treatment lasted a mere four hours.
As for Jared, the boy was currently serving a prison sentence for his conspiracy. Quatre didn’t find out anything more after that. It was as if the boy had just disappeared into the system, but the blond found himself a little iffy whenever little presents still found their way to him, and he made sure to check his socks and clothing all the time for anything telltale.
The surprising relationship between Hiiro Yuy and Duo Maxwell had the school in an uproar–it was unexpected, surprising, and was the topic for days on end. Relena had been shocked and aghast, but no one really paid too much attention to her, simply because many knew her relationship with Dorothy Catalonia. But it was a good match–it was obvious. The pair were simply enamored of each other, and Quatre rubbed it in with every instance he got. How dare they make fun of him and belittle him when they had the same thing going for each other all this fucking time?
As for Jake Trip, Quatre found a valuable friend in the guy. As far as Quatre was concerned, the guy was levels above his own experiences and mistakes, and he sought out the guy’s advice for things that he found taxing. Of course, he didn’t mention how he viewed his friend, because he was sure Jake would make fun of him for it. While Jake was valuable in the ways of listening and advising, the guy made sure to add a few teasing barbs and jokes on Quatre’s benefit, and Quatre hated when he started behaving like a child under the older boy’s words. Still, he continued to talk to the guy, and still cringed whenever he saw him and Michael in person. The little boy idolized him now, and pained his father in the way of expensive ‘must-need’ basketball jerseys and basketball shoes–the exact same as Quatre’s, of course. So, if Jake ever gave Quatre a hard time over something, Quatre made sure to bring up his son’s idolization of him, and usually, the older boy gave up with a snotty comment or scowl.
But all in all, things were ending on a rather good note by the time his Day arrived. He didn’t have to worry that his friends were doing badly, or that they needed him (he knew they did as much as he needed them, but this was just how it goes), and could go back to Laramie, knowing they were okay.
The day came when he had to leave, and he was very sullen about it. Nothing could bring him out of his mood, knowing that he had to leave everything behind once more; his friends, his home, his everything. It was just the same as it was when he had to leave Laramie behind, only...different. Trowa and Felicia had come along to see him off, and both were just as upset as he. Only, they didn’t want the other to know, so their goodbyes were stiff and forced as Quatre had to leave them behind as he entered the security section, his things being wheeled out of sight by a worker.
As he stared out the window of his commercial flight out, he felt completely depressed and rejected. Leaving behind all that he’d grown to love and now having to re-do things all over again? It was torture, and he hated it. He swore right then and there, that as soon as he was able, he was going to settle down in one place and never leave it again. Maybe for an occasional visit here and there, but never anything like this. As New Park City slowly became something in the distance, buried within a dark cloud of smog and thunderclouds, he vowed to come back.
He would come back, and he would stay, no matter what.